The Harland Highway - 538 - Harland Highway Christmas Party, with Harland as Santa.

Episode Date: December 19, 2013

The humility of fame, decking your car out for Christmas, and Harland is ordered to play Santa at the Harland Highway Christmas Party. Jingle my Twingle!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ho, ho, no, no, no, I'm not Santa Claus. I tried to trick you right out of the gate. I'm not him. I'm not Santa Claus. Although today, actually, I take that back. I am Santa Claus. And I'm not looking forward to this, gang. I think you heard my last podcast.

My boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants me to attend the Harland Highway Christmas party downstairs. And I guess I'm the guy that has to dress up like Santa and all these people. from the podcast Get to come and sit on my lap Tell me what they want for Christmas. Great. Not looking forward to it. It's not going to go well.

I can tell you right now. Ugh. Also, we are going to talk about humiliation. You know, sometimes on this show I talk about the perks of being well-known or a little famous or celebrity-ish or whatever you want to call it. and, you know, I talk about getting recognized and stuff like that.

Well, let me tell you about a story that was the other side of that where I got humiliated by my notoriety. Okay, you're going to love this. I didn't love it, but you're probably going to love it. I kind of loved it. I'll talk about it. Also, we're going to talk about things you put on your car during the Christmas season. Kind of weird.

But then again, isn't it always weird? Because you're right here on the weirdest place in the world. The Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-oh

And there's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth You need many years of therapy Many, many, many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you

Listen, lame, brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Oh, welcome to the show, everybody. And if you detect a little, a lack of enthusiasm in my voice, yes, it's true.

I'm not thrilled. And I hate to start to show off this way, but if you listen to the last. last podcast, my boss, Mr. Featherstone, said that I have to go to the office Christmas party today, and I got to sit in as Santa Claus, and all the people from the show have to sit on my lap and be able to tell me what they want, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada. So that's later on, thankfully. I still have a little time here.

And on the theme of running on, you know, kind of like lack of enthusiasm or feeling like, bleh, you know, very often when I do the podcast, I talk about some of the upsides of show business, the perks, running into famous celebrities, getting to do special things. People say, Heidi on the street. Well, I want to tell you about an experience. that happened recently that was completely the other way. Very humbling and very kind of depressing,

if I'm being honest here, ladies, and gurgle-blurgens. So I'm in a situation where, you know, most of the time you get recognized or people say, oh, I love what you do. And it feels real good. And so here I am. It's a bright sunny day. I'm driving in my truck. I'm going right down Hollywood Boulevard.

Right past the man's Chinese theater where all the footprints are in the cement and the stars and all the tourists and, you know, they're just walking around hoping they'll see a celebrity, somebody famous. It's one thing to see the little stars on the sidewalk, but they can see someone famous. Oh, boy. And one of the things that you'll see if you ever get to the downtown part of Hollywood, there's like about 10 million and 33 of these star tours. vans and buses and cars and whatever and what they do is they pick up tourists they fill up a van with about you know 20 30 people and a lot of the times the vans have no roof picture of van with its roof cut off so it's just like the open back seating and everyone sits in the back and there's a guy up front on a little microphone and he's a he's a knowledgeable well-seasoned guy who drives around and

He's probably been instructed to look for celebrities, you know, if you see him in the street or in a vehicle. Right, he's got the little headpiece on. It goes from his ear to his mouth, like the drive-thru, like a microphone thing. And they've got the truck full of people. And they're driving all over the place. Okay? So here's me.

I come pulling up to a red light. rated Hollywood Boulevard and La Brea. Very famous intersection. That's just right smack in the middle of Hollywood. You can't get any more central. There's LeBreya, Hollywood Boulevard, and then Highland. And in between LaBreya and Highland is like all the footprints, the famous theaters, the Highland Hollywood Center where they shoot American Idol.

I mean, it's the place. Jimmy Kimmel is shot right in there So very famous area So I'm driving I come up to a red light My windows open It's a nice sunny day And I pull up right beside

One of these open vans One of the Star Tour vans Okay, it's a sunny day And I'm in a big pickup truck So I'm not sitting below I'm like right at the same level As all the people in the van

and this van's full there's all these tourists in there there must have been I don't know 20 25 people 30 something like that and just as I pull up the guy on the steering wheel

the guy driving the tour around through his little drive-through headpiece his microphone he's like and here we are at Hollywood and LaBrere Boulevard very famous Boulevard and now let me ask you

Has anybody seen anybody famous yet? Anybody encountered anyone famous yet? And I'm sitting there, and because I'm right beside them, I'm like, I'm pretty much in the van with them. You know what I mean? I'm like right there, and I couldn't resist. And I yelled, yeah, I have. I've seen a famous guy.

And everyone in the van looks over at me, okay? Like I'm eye level with them. and the guy doing the tour looks over at me and he goes, oh yeah, okay, that's good, buddy. He starts joking it up with me and I'm thinking any second he's going to click in and go, oh, my God, it's Arla Williams. And then I'm thinking some of the people in the van

are going to go, oh my God, it's that guy. Well, here's where it gets really sad, ladies and gentlemen. This is where I almost jumped out of my truck and let the Hollywood Stewers wag tours wagon roll over my head. Not one damn person in that whole van or the guy driving

the mini the van recognized me. I go, yeah, I'm famous. The guy looks like, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. I'm sure I recognize you, pal. And all the people were just looking at me like, who's this weird Hollywood creepy guy in a truck?

and you've got to remember I go from a guy who gets recognized daily like all the time all the time I'm not even exaggerating it's just it's just a fact so I'm kind of a shy guy about it I'm not a guy who draws attention to it

I'm not a guy that goes looking for it I'm never the guy that walks in the room goes hey look at me I'm the opposite I'm the guy who hides under the baseball hat I'm the guy who, I'm not comfortable with that, but I thought, you know, I'm right here. God bless, I've been given the ability to be in some movies and TV and have a little recognition.

These people are on a tour. It's like being on safari. You go to Africa. You look for a lion. Oh, there's a lion. Oh, my God. So I'm like a famous guy. And I thought, okay, I'll give them a little thrill.

You know what I mean? It was like me giving back. I'll expose myself in the name of, you know, good vibes. Oh, God. So here's me, yeah, I'm a famous guy. They look over, nothing, nobody, not even the guy driving. And I just sat there and I started laughing. I was like, oh, my God.

I thought I was going to make these people's day. And now I'm just depressed. and I just ruined my day. But not really I did, and I actually was laughing about it quite hard. Now, here's the caveat. And I don't even know what that means, but I've heard it said before. Maybe I should have said, here's the caviar. Excuse me, sir, your caviar.

Yes, put it down, Charmers. I'm telling a story about depression and being alone in the world. Yes, sir. So whatever, if that, it sounds right. Right? So here's the caveat to this story. I should probably look it up. You know what? I'm going to look it up right now. Caviot. I'm going to finish the story, but I need to know what caveat means.

You're probably way ahead of me, as always. Let's see. Caviot. A notice. Certain actions may not be taken without informing the person who gave the notice, a warning or provisio of specific stipulations. conditions, or limitations. Oh, so. So you know what?

Forget it. Forget I said caveat. What I meant to say was caviar. No. I just, you know, listen, everyone who listens to my podcast knows, especially Veronica Rossi, that I throw words around and I often don't know what they mean. or that they don't fit in place. But I just roll, man.

I just let stuff roll out of my mouth. And if it sounds right, I say it. You got to admit that sounded right, right? Well, actually, this story's not very pleasant, but there is a caveat to this story. Obviously, I just looked it up totally the wrong word, but I do that a lot. And I love it when you guys.

pick pick me off for that fun boy I'm not making myself look or sound very good today but I don't care I'm laughing won't you please join me so here's the angle to this story

okay let me give you some backstory before I pulled up in my truck I was playing racquetball I don't know if you've ever played racquetball but I played for like two

hours full bore probably five or six games full games and if you're thinking oh whoopie do well no i have a running bet going with my buddy who i play with who's very competitive and we made a bet that the first guy to win 15 games wins and the loser has to pay for six movies and snacks for the buddy and so we are playing at full Octane, okay? We are going because we do not, none of us wants to buy the other idiot friend six movies, okay? And in Hollywood, there's a really nice theater called the Arklight

where they charge 15 bucks a movie plus snacks, plus parking. You're looking at 25, 30 bucks a pop times six. Oh, yeah. I'm a big roller. So I came right from there I was driving down to go back home and you can imagine the amount of sweat Okay

My hair looked like I just got out of a hot tub or a swimming pool Just dripping my hair is all matted down You know that look when your hair's sweaty And it's all parted all over the place And it's stuck to your forehead You look like you've been in a in a Mexican interrogation room for five days. Why don't you tell us what caveat means, Signor?

I'm telling you, I don't know what caveat means. It's clear you don't know what it means. Can we offer you some caviar? I'll take that. So I've got this matted out hair. I'm a little unshaven, and it's sunny. It's Hollywood, California. So I've got these big-ass, funky, the two-way,

mirror reflective sunglasses. Not the kind of cops wear, but these things have big, wide, crazy rims. They're like my goofy driving glasses, okay? So, just so I'm not super humiliated here about my fame or lack of fame, I was probably very hard to recognize, okay? I had the glasses, I had the hair. but then you'll say you know a lot of people recognize me because of my voice have kind of a slow drawly voice and very nasally as you all know which you all hate

I'm sorry God gave me a deviated septum would you like to climb inside my face and fix it please no okay then shut your gobble hole um so that's part of my excuse why well of course recognize me look at me my hair's all crazy you can't see half my face my eyes are covered there you go I won't have known it was the Harlan Williams right hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. count and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out so there you go those are the trappings of of being well known being famous if you will some days you ride high and everyone points to you and you're the guy they love and other days are like huh who what's that who is he what i don't know what that guy is what the hell so there is it is that's the teeter totter that's the seesaw very humbling and uh i found it rather humorous and i thought i got to share it with the pavement pounders welcome to my world

cat hat in french shot chapu his spanish elgato in a sombrero in shurban i'm a cutta in a hoot And don't you know, I'm a guanka in a bunker quunk. An Eskimo? You're a guanka in a bunker quank in Eskimo? Right. He's a guanka in a bunker quank in Eskimo. Is that not a bunker quunk, yonats is a bunker quunk. Bunker, bunka, quank, bunk, a yes, and needy, that is so.

He's a quanka in a bunker, quunk in Eskimo. Okay, well, here I am, ladies and gentlemen, And during that little song, I slipped upstairs. Roger informed me through the window that I've got to attend the Harland Highway Christmas party. And I'm in this ridiculous Santa suit. I don't even know where they got it. It looks like they found it in a dumpster at Denny's. It's got stains on it.

It kind of smells. But here I am. They got a chair set up over there across the room. And I, according to my boss, Mr. Featherstone, I have to go sit over. there to help boost morale here around the Harland Highway and everyone gets to sit on my lap tell me what they want for Christmas so I'm walking over here I go sitting excuse me yeah excuse me I've got to get to the chair thank you sit on the chair here and here I go okay it's kind of comfortable big red chair with a big looks like a king's thrown almost they got candy cane

set up all around me and Christmas trees. Actually, I've got to say the lights look very nice and some presents around the ground here and little things all around. So here I am. I'm just sitting here. I'm looking out, people mingling, hanging around. And, okay, somebody's coming over.

Somebody's coming over and they're walking. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. it's Dr. Debbie Timer, the life coach. Oh, my God. Hello, Dr. Debbie. How are you? Hi.

How are you, Santa? I'm your life coach. Dr. Debbie Thimer. Yes, Merry Christmas. Are you... God, your breath smells like garlic. Yes, I've been over at the table there. I've got some wonderful food set out,

Arland. Some crab poppers with garlic. Some pumpkin pie with garlic. and some cinnamon knots with garlic. Well, yeah, I can really smell it. Well, I don't need attitude. Okay, well, Merry Christmas. To you two.

Did you want to tell me what you want for Christmas? Because that's kind of why I'm here. Well, you know, let's not push things, okay? Well, you are sitting on my lap, and it's getting, you know, it hurts a little bit. Are you calling me a fat fucker? No, Dr. Debbie, no. No, no. Look, there's a little line forming there,

and I should probably hear what you want for Christmas, and, you know, keep things moving. Okay, I understand. Well, first of all, I'd like a brand new fridge with an ice machine and five racks inside the freezer, six racks inside the fridge. I want a vegetable crisper and a meat tenderizer. Okay, that's kind of big and expensive.

And that's kind of a lot of words and a lot of fucking attitude. Okay, I'm not giving you attitude, Dr. Debbie. I'm just saying Christmas time, you know, smaller gifts might be more appropriate. I haven't finished yet. I want a brand new microwave oven. I want a brand new fireplace. And I want a brand new black Lexus with rear-ampositraction. Double-ride whims.

Double-wide rims. Okay. And an eight-cylinder super turbo-charged fuel-injected engine. Um, are you sure you're not missing the spirit of Christmas? And are you sure you're not being a nosy fuck? Okay, you got to watch the language. There's kids at this party. Go fuck yourself.

You white-bearded, Denny-stained, low-range. Geto Santa. I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer and I'm a life coach. I've got a brain. I went to school. I studied at Harvard. I get what I fucking want. You old, fat,

bearded bastard. Okay. You need to... We need to move it along here. Fuck you, asshole. Okay. Next, please. Thank you, Dr. Debbie. Eat my pussy. Whoa! What was that? You heard me.

kneel down old St. Nick, and suck my bearded reindeer, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, get her out of here. Next, who's next? It's me. Who are you? It's me, Cinnamon Boy! Oh, God, what are you doing here? I'm part of the Harlan Highway team, and I thought he'd come and sit on Santa's lap.

Oh, God. Don't oh, God, me. Oh, Cinnamon Me! Because I'm Cinnamon Boy! And I love cinnamon! Stop it! you're not going to do that now you're going to tell me what you want for christmas and get the hell off my lap i want cinnamon because i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon stop it you can't have cinnamon for christmas how do you even wrap cinnamon

what am i going to put a bunch of powder and you know and wrap up some powder i don't care how you do it just give me double c i n o m a o n what the hell does that spell. Sima-b-b-m-em-in! Get out of here, kid. Can I get you a drink, Santa? Well, actually, you know, I wouldn't mind a drink. How about some nice apple cider, Santa? You know, that sounds pretty good.

Nice and hot? Okay. With the little apple in it? Sure. And how about a stick? What do you mean a stick? A stick of cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon, boy!

And I love cinnamon! Get out of here! Next! Holy God! Idiot! This is the worst thing I've ever done. I heard that. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, doc, no, doctor me. I'm your boss, Mr. Featherstone. I meant to say, sir, how are you? I'm good, and it's a good thing you showed up in this Santa suit. Well, sir, no, what are you doing? I'm sitting on your lap, Sandy Claus. No, sir, you're... Are you calling me fat?

I was about to. Ow, ow, ow. You're crushing my legs, sir. I don't care. I pay the bills for this building. I pay the bills for your prod-prast. Podcast, sir. Whatever.

I'm going to sit on Sandy Claus's lap, and you know what I'm going to do for Christmas, Sandy Claus? Well, you're probably going to give me a list of all the things you want to do. Well, there's one thing I want to do. What's that, sir? Oh, what was that? I just farted on Sandy Claus. Why would you do that, sir?

I've always wanted to fart on Sandy Claus. Oh, that is disgusting. Sir, that just smells like eggnog and yule cake. Exactly. What? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh.

Don't act like you've never had a yule log before, Howland. It's Harlan, sir. Whatever. What do you mean I've had a eweilog before? Probably had a big fat Yule log Down to those funny bars you go to downtown I don't go to the funny bars Don't get lippy with me

Sandy Claus Sir I do not go to the funny bars Downtown okay can you please stop that What about that one down on Main Street Which one? The slippery apple cart The slippery apple cart Yeah Never been there

there, sir. Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Sir, I think you better get off my lap. There's a line up here. I've got to see everyone from the podcast the way you told me. Let me give you one more thing before I go.

What? Oh, God, sir. Yeah, now I can add it to my list that I fought it on Sandy Claws. It's probably all stuck in your beard and whatnot. Would you please get off me, sir? I bet you never say that to your guy, friends. Stop it with the gay references. That's insulting to me.

It's insulting to gay people. I'll tell you what's insulting to gay people. What's that, sir? Your clam-baked, rusty lillolonium deep-fried Sandy Claus beard. That's what. That's what I call a ball-tickler. A ball-tickler? You heard me, Sandy Claus with your dirty gray beard

full of ketchup. Sir, you got... Yeah, I can just picture that thing. Tickling some Christmas elves balls. Stop it, sir. Ah! What? Uh-huh.

Get out of here. Next. Next. Good Lord. Who the hell is next? Hello, senor. Oh, my God. My gardener.

It is me, Senor Fuentes. What? Why aren't you at home? well sir i put the christmas tree up in your living room like you asked me to okay and i hung your balls seor what do you mean you hung my balls you told me to hang your balls all over the tree seor don't say it like that like what seor like you hung my balls all over the christmas tree well that's what i did seor you said hang my balls all over the christmas tree make them nice and shiny seor Okay, don't talk about my shiny balls. Well, they are shiny, seigneur. They are blue and gold and purple, and some of them are even green.

I don't have blue, purple, and green balls. And gold, signor, don't forget your gold balls. They're Christmas ornaments. I thought you said they were called Christmas balls. Well, they're that too, but you're making them sound like they're your Christmas ball, senor? Yes. Well, they are Christmas balls, senor.

Yes? And who owns them, signor? I own them. That makes them your Christmas balls, senor, shiny and dangling and hanging all over the tree. All right, what do you want for Christmas? I would love a new leaf blower, senor. All right, you got a leaf blower, get out of here.

You want me to go home and rearrange your balls, signor? What do you mean, rearrange my balls? You don't move your shiny balls off. over the Christmas tree. Get out of here. Senor, I'm just talking about picking your balls off the tree and moving them around. Get out. Stop talking about my Christmas balls. They are lovely, shiny, purple Christmas balls, Signor. Get out! All right. That's it. I'm taking this beard off. I need to take a break.

We're going to take a break. I'm going to go back up to the studio. I got to do a real show here. I'm taking a break. I'm going to. I'm going to up to the studio to do some show oh god go to a commercial roger i'm going upstairs it's a world of celebration joyful yule tight expectation where peace and love are felt throughout the land it's an eminence chunky candy season moms and sands know the reason the milk chopin milk in your mouth not in your Your milk chocolate joy for everyone Oh, this is so much better. Everyone's downstairs.

I'm alone up here. I'm taking this stupid beard off. Ow! Stuck to my chin. I don't have a chin. Ow. Good Lord. There's stains on my pant.

Who the hell was sitting on me? Disgusting. I'm never doing that again. I'm not even going back down there. oh god anyways i guess it's all part of the christmas thing and here's another part of the christmas thing that i i find kind of interesting and amusing if you live in a big city it stands out more than if you you know if you live in a smaller kind of rural community but it's always fun around christmas time you see people driving around with trees on the roof of their vehicles right that

There's people with SUVs and, you know, land rovers and station wagons and minivans driving around. And how often do you see folks in the city doing anything connected with nature? Yet here they are driving around with like a, you know, six, seven, eight foot tree on the roof. It's like, holy smokes, look at that. That guy's driving through the downtown core. And there's a what on his roof? Oh, yeah, a tree. guy's got a tree on his roof and I'm talking about Christmas trees of course and it's just kind of funny to see it's kind of out of context like try to picture any other time of year some guy with his uh you know is his Escalade or his uh you know Chevy Trailblazer or as a Ford Explorer imagine you see some guy driving around downtown with a birch tree on his roof or a giant pine tree or something.

It's just an odd, odd sight when you think about it, but it's also actually very Christmassy. Whatever I see it, I'm like, oh, tree on the roof of the Escalade, Christmasy. Oh, so cute, so Christmase, so Fort Escalade. Or whatever, whoever makes them. So that's kind of fun. And then some people do go other ways with their vehicles.

Some people put like a Christmas wreath, on the front of their car on the grill or a big red bow or some people stick deer antlers out of the windows I'd feel really bad if someone got in a major car accident right and they had a wreath on the front of their car and you know the two cars collided and just got mangled together the wreath flew up in the air and floated down and landed on the car on all the cars

Everyone's squished and dead And there's the wreath Okay, too morbid Maybe Maybe it was real Christmasy And then I had to go there Yeah, not good, Har Um, geez

Can you just Keep your mind off of the Morbid stuff for two seconds, guy? Yeah, I guess so. Thanks. Well, anyways, again, I'm sorry you had to suffer through me having to do that ridiculous Santa Claus stunt. My boss, Mr. Featherstone, made me go down to this stupid Christmas party,

and I had to be santa and all these idiots sat on my lap. Never again. But anyhow, I got through it. I'm here, and, you know, I'm just winding down. I'm going to have a glass of apple cider. With cinnamon? Oh, no, what are you doing here? I followed you up to your studio.

to make sure you got your cinnamon because I'm cinnamon boy and I love cinnamon get out all right that's it I got to go I got to go gang I'm stressing out here that idiot's out in the hall looking through the stop peeking through the window cinnamon boy oh god he's creepy he looks like an elf a demented deliverance elf uh anyhow folks uh Thanks for being here. Happy holidays, of course. Let me make a few little announcements here before we get gone. I want to tell you about my new year coming up. I am going to be in Orlando, Florida, at the Improv, January 2nd through Sunday the 5th. And then the following week, I will be at the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California. That'll be January 9th. to January 12th and it's going to be great going to have a lot of fun bust out a bunch of new

material in the new year uh so come out and check the kid out doing his shows um check out my website harlowe williams dot com you want to jump on and join my youtube channel because there's going to be a lot of fun videos coming this year this is this is the year of me making videos so it's going to be a lot of funny videos uh coming to you just uh go to harle uh subscribe to my youtube channel and um and get in on the uh on the hilarity um also while you're at harl williams dot com check out our store harlewiams dot com merch store full of books music videos t-shirts all kinds of stuff um you can order there and we'll send it out to you tell your friends about the harlan highway make sure you check out all things comedy

That is the podcast network, which my show is featured on, as well as at my own site, Harlem Williams.com, obviously. Check out all things comedy.com. And, hey, what can I say? It's been fun. I'm going to go steam clean my Santa Claus pants. And that's it. We are done for this show.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I know you're all getting ready. Happy holidays. is it for you that don't celebrate Christmas but to the rest of you, Merry Christmas. And until next time, everybody, make sure you leave a great big bowl of chicken chau main under the Christmas tree.