The Harland Highway - 541 New Years SUICIDE. One of the worst New Years ever.

Episode Date: December 30, 2013

On today's show we discuss New Years eve and holiday wrap ups. Harland's boss, Mr. Featherstone organizes the WORST New Years event EVER. Helping a Pavement Pounder deal with his twins. Putting an end to racism in 2014. Auld lang my sign!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Okay, enough. You sound like a singing sheep. Hey, folks, Harlem Williams here. This is our last podcast of 2013. God, another year gone by. I don't like it. I don't like how time goes by. It's creepy.

We're all one minute, one hour, one day closer to the end. And that's not the way to start a podcast, but I'm just trying to say if the hands of time are listening, stop. Just let us live forever. Okay, I'm obviously in Dreamland. But this is our last show before the end of the year. We're going to be talking about New Year's Eve and New Year's parties and trying to get everything together,

kind of mopping up after the holidays. And then this isn't going to happen, but I've heard rumors through. Roger, who's waving to me through the glass. He's holding up a sign saying, Happy New Year to you from Roger, my producer in the booth. He's telling me that my boss is trying to get some kind of ball-dropping, happy New Year outdoor event,

because we're not going to be broadcasting the night of New Year's Eve, so he's trying to get a jump on it, and it's not going to happen. You know, my boss, Mr. Featherstone. So let me just keep it small and simple. Happy New Year from the Harland. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-oh As classic I will find you My mom always said

You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen late brain Let an expert show you how to do this.

The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Ba-da-Bum, hey, gang, welcome to the show. It is me, Harlandio. Do you have New Year's plans yet? What are you going to do for New Year's? That's always a dilemma, isn't it?

It's like you have all these choices. It's either you go and have. hang out in a big crowd and everyone's yelling and getting drunk and it either feels a lot of fun or it feels really impersonal because you don't know everybody or it's a lot of fun energy and it's a lot of a lot of merriment and happiness and then the other thing you can do is just kind of have a small little party at your house a little you know intimate party with a small group of close friends or the other thing you can do is, you know, you can just have it alone. I hope not. Or you could have a little romantic New Year's with your friends or your

girlfriend or your boyfriend or your wife or husband. But it's always kind of a tricky thing. You know, you always feel kind of obligated to do something. I think it's the one, of the year where it's like you're forced to party you know most parties you don't you don't um plan them out that much it's like oh yeah we're going to jim's house for the barbecue dude you're like hey let's go to carroll she's having a little um you know like wine and cheese party but new year's it's like okay where where are we going to go to part we have to plan a party we have to buy tickets to a party we have to rent the hotel room we had it it's sometimes it feels very forced that's the only downside of it um now here at the harland highway

um we are not actually on the air um on uh you know new year's eve we're going to miss it by a day but my boss uh roger's been telling me my my boss mr featherstone wants to do some kind of thing today and i'm like well how are we going to get a crowd today how are we going to How are we going to get people to celebrate? You know, Mr. Featherstone apparently wants to do the ball drop thing or some kind of countdown or whatever. And I don't know. I don't know how we're going to pull it off.

So I doubt anything's going to happen here today as far as a New Year's ball dropping celebration. Maybe a bunch of us will get in the control room here and sing Old Langzine or something, but I, folks, come on, there's not going to be like a crowd in the street chanting and, you know, doing that kind of thing, doing the countdown. But anyways, at least maybe his heart's in the right place. So whatever happens here today,

I hope you guys have a great New Year's Eve. I hope you have a lot of fun things planned for the new year. Here's something I'm going to recommend, I'm going to suggest. I think I've done this before, but I think it's a healthy thing to mention. Try doing something out of the box. Try doing something in 2014 that kind of goes against what you normally do. A lot of us in life have patterns. We have routines.

So I would challenge you to, don't do anything, you know, it's going to end your life or anything, but I would challenge you to maybe go to an exotic place or try a new hobby, learn to ride a motorcycle, learn to shoot a bow and arrow. I don't know. I don't know what that would be. But maybe this is the year to go out of your way.

Don't wait for something to come your way. Push yourself and stimulate yourself. and maybe find something that's a little out of your comfort zone, out of your box, but you think you might like it, you know, like skydiving or kayaking or a swingers club. I don't know what you're thinking, but it might be interesting to pepper something into your year that's outside of your routine. Just a suggestion, just a thought. And what? Oh, hang on.

And it looks like we are getting... Roger wants to play a phone message. Okay, put it through. Who's it from? It's from one of the pavement pounders. All right. Roger wants me to play this message from one of the pavement pounders. Patch it through, Roger.

Harlan, I have a question for you. Why will my twin boys not go to sleep? I don't know what they want. They're just screaming. What do they need? Oh, okay, Raj, that's the phone call. Okay, well, wow, suddenly I'm giving out parental advice. Let me see.

Try this, and I don't know if it will work. I'm just going off the top of my head here, but children love adventure. I don't have kids, but kids like adventure. So why don't you try this? Figure out what their favorite chocolate bar is, okay? Kids love chocolate bars or whatever, chips or whatever, some kind of treat. Keep them hidden in the house somewhere. And every time your twins act up and won't go to sleep,

go down in the basement or somewhere obscure and hide a chocolate bar for each twin behind the furnace or in a cubbyhole or under the couch or something, some out-of-the-way hidden place, okay? And go into your kids' room, if it's at nighttime, and go into the twins and go, oh, my gosh, kids, I just got a phone call. Have your cell phone handy. Say, kids, I just got a phone call from a stranger, okay? And he's telling me he hid something down in the basement.

and he wants you guys to help me find it. So make a game of it. You know what I mean? So suddenly these kids are invested in some kind of adventure within your house. Gets their hearts pumping, gets them all excited, gets some of that energy out. And so you pretend you're like using the GPS or something and you find your way or you read clues. Text letters to yourself on your phone, okay? Or have your wife text little known.

She could be in on it. Maybe she's in another room texting. Go down into the basement. Look behind the furnace or whatever. You know what I mean? So these kids think this is happening in real time. So you guys go down together. This whole thing only takes 10 minutes.

You guys go down. The texts keep coming. Look behind the furnace. You look behind the furnace. There's two chocolate bars. There's a little note with each chocolate bar that you had typed out. and it has their names on them. And it says, Eddie, Billy,

I left these here for you. Do not let your parents take them away from you, but you cannot have them until morning. You have to go to sleep and be quiet or you cannot have them until the morning or something like that. So you make it into a little game, you make it a little fun.

and the kids are, now there's something at stake. If they don't be quiet, if they don't go to sleep, they don't get the chocolate bar. And you can create this guy into a fictional character like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. You have to do a little bit of acting, but it makes it fun for you too. And you're like, I don't know who this guy is.

How's he getting in our house? But he's texting me. And he's, you know, sending these messages. And this way you can make it fun for you, make it fun for the kids. Hopefully, I think nothing shuts a kid up faster than candy. So if you say, hey, guys, I can't give it to you. The guy in the messages says, I can't give it to you until tomorrow. And if you're not quiet, he says, I can't give him to you.

and you know see if that works it's a silly idea but it's full of imagination and who knows could be a lot of fun other than that just pull out a baseball bat and reenact a scene from the shining and tell your kids kids twins go to sleep or i'm going to bash your well you know you don't want to go that route um what okay hold on rogers away leaving at me through the booth. What? No. I haven't figured out the ball drop thing and the crowd thing for New Year's.

We're still a few days out. How am I going to get a crowd to do a countdown and chant and it's not going to happen. Can I finish my podcast here, please? Thank you. Wow. Oh, God. So anyways, going back to the holidays here. We're in that in-between zone, between Christmas and New Year's.

And now comes kind of the sad dilemma where you have to start thinking about taking down your stuff. You know, your Christmas tree is probably a little dried out by now, looking a little e. And yes, you know, you keep the stuff up right past New Year's. Because, you know, even though it's Christmas, New Year's not Christmas, it's still fun to have the tree lit up on New Year's and you're still in that holiday zone. But it's always sad when you've got to start taking it

down. It's like, oh, all this joy, all this cheer, all these wonderful lights, all this merriment. Let's just put it in a box and shove it in the attic. Let's stuff it in the basement. Crinkle it up, roll

it up, crunch it up, put it in a box. Cover it and dust and get rid of it for a year. Sad. Me no like. Me no like-y-like. But here's something I do like. New Year's resolutions, okay? And here's one of my resolutions. We're going to stop racism, okay? We're going to wipe that crap out. I want to put an end to racial stereotypes in the new year. Okay?

I don't want to hear any more of these racial stereotypes. You know, white people can't dance. Oh, yeah, we can dance, okay? Just because we bash into a fridge or we trip over a table or bang into a pole. So what? We can dance. And I want to stop this whole thing about the black. people, this horrible stereotype, black people with their, the black men with their little

teeny tiny penises? Uh-uh. Cut it out, guys. And Mexican people, come on. If I hear one more person say that a Mexican doesn't know how to overstuff the back of a pickup truck with gardening supplies, I'm going to flip out. Knock it off. Okay? And Dutch, uh, Dutch, people pulling the blankets up over your head at night and farting enough enough with that let's just stop but Asian people I don't want to hear one more person say Asian people can't drive okay let me tell you something I got hit by four different Asian people last year Hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And every one of them, when we got out of our cars to exchange insurance information, every single one of them in the most sincere voice said, It's not my fault. So enough with all this racial,

stereotyping. White people can dance. Black men do not have tiny penises and all the rest. Just fill it in and stop it. Shame on all of you. Horrible. Horrible.

What? Now, what does he want? Okay, now, apparently Mr. Featherstone's coming down to the studio. Why? He's found a solution. to the whole New Year's Eve countdown thing. I don't want him in here.

Oh, here he comes. Oh, hello. Hello, Mr. Featherstone, sir. Hello. I just said hello, sir. Yeah, well, I didn't like the way you said it. Now, here's what we're going to do. What do you mean?

Here's what we're going to do. I want you to do this. Howland's Highway. Harland's Highway. New Year's Eve. ball drop thing sir there's no ball drop there's no we don't have that kind of stop interrupting me okay i see your gums flapping it looks like a zebra eating on a bundle of hay what does that even mean sir just listen to me now i was just watching

CNN and it looks like just down the street there's a guy up on a ledge about to commit suicide oh my god that's horrible not really what do you mean well what i want to do there's a big crowd out there okay yes sir i want you to take get down there and i want you to start chanting and i want to do a countdown what do you mean a countdown like a new year's eve countdown like the ball drop what are you talking about sir you're gonna go down there and you're gonna count down that guy off the ledge and he's gonna drop well are you telling me you want me to push, you want me to urge this guy on the ledge who's trying to commit suicide to jump?

That's right. So we count him down. So it's like he's committing suicide and it's, and he jumps to his death. And it's like the ball drop in Times Square. Exactly. There's already a big crowd down there, and it's totally free. I want you to take your little pod crass equipment down there, and I want you to do it. this and I don't want you to stop at any

of your funny little bars on the way down there. What funny little bars? You know the ones you go to with your guy friends? I don't go to funny little bars, sir. Oh really? Yes. What about the digital synthesizer? What do you

mean the digital synthesizer? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Sir, I can't do it. I'm not going to assist in a suicide so that you can make a New Year's Eve entertainment spectacle out of it, you're going to get down there and start the New Year's Eve countdown before this guy jumps and we lose a golden opportunity.

Sir, this is very unorthodox. And so is some of the stuff you do with your guy friends? I don't do stuff with guy friends, sir. Ah! Sir? Ah! I don't think I can do this, sir. Well, have you ever done this?

What, sir? Have you ever farted on the side of a chipmunk's head? Sir, I do not fart on things. You should try it sometime. You just get a little chipmunk out of the forest and fart on the side of his head. Sir, I'm not... You're going to do what you're told,

or there's not going to be any 2014. I'll shut down the shop like a Chinese hall house shuts down its front doors after chop, chop, bang, bang. what the hell does that even mean chop chop bang bang yeah you wouldn't know because you're with your guy friends stop it sir now get down to the suicide thing and i want a new year's eve countdown as this guy's jumping off the building sir this is sick move your hairy ass there gringo now that's a little racist sir up yours what i say get down there and make it fast tarantula live Sir, tarantula lips.

Hurry up. Are you still here? Sir? Are you still here? Okay, I'm going, sir. You better get going. I'm going. I'm halfway out the door, sir.

I don't think you need to call me tarantula lips, sir. I'll call you tarantula lips. Get going, tarantula lips. Good, there he goes. Do what he's tall for once. Roger, can you hear me in there? Roger? Yeah, listen, uh, make sure you get you got to be.

Get all the sound equipment. I want this thing patched in. This is going to be the best New Year's guide drop ever. All right. Let's do this. All right. Patch it in live down the street. Yeah.

All right. By the way, is this guy ever had a guy in his studio here? You know a guy. All right, hook it up. Hello? Hello. Can you hear me, Roger? Okay.

Folks, this is quite unexpected. This is Harlem Williams. We are, God, we are live just down the street from the podcast studios. And just as my boss, Mr. Featherstone, told me there is, in fact, a man. It looks like he's up on a, like a 34th floor window ledge. And you can hear the crowd here, people screaming. There's pandemonium. The crowd just seems to be getting bigger and bigger.

People gathered on the street. You can hear the police on their bullhorns, ladies and gentlemen. And this is just all wrong. We are here for all the wrong reasons. Most people are here for a man's life to be saved. But my boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants me to whip this tragic event into a New Year's Eve. dropping of the ball type of event. He feels that we can get ratings for the show,

that we can create a spectacle here, and we already have a gathered crowd, and we certainly hope that the gentleman, who's clearly distressed up on the ledge, does not jump, and it looks like he's moving around up there. Oh, my God, he's tiptoeing towards the very ledge, and he's moved back.

Step back again, his back against the wall, his arms flat against the wall. This is terrible. It looks like there's a bit of a wind kicking up up there, way up there. A horrible event. The crowd getting bigger and bigger, as you can hear, all around me, ladies and gentlemen. And clearly not a New Year's Eve event. My boss, Mr. Featherstone, who did you call my name? Oh, Mr. Featherstone, sir.

That's right. Well, what are you doing here, sir? You think I'm going to miss the New Year's Eve guy drop? Well, guy drop. Well, it's not a ball dropping. It's a guy. Well, sir, we certainly hope he doesn't drop. Well, maybe you don't.

I need some ratings for your crappy prod-prast. It's a podcast, sir. Yeah, whatever. Sir, we do not want the guy to drop. Well, I just one less guy for you to get you greasy bananas. Peel hands on? Sir, I do not have greasy banana peel hands. That's not nice.

Is a man about to jump to his death up there? I wouldn't think of it like that. Well, how would you think of it, sir? I would think of it is we got a large audience here, a live audience for the New Year's Eve Guy Drop. The first annual... The first annual. That's what I said.

Hopefully every year we can get a big crowd like this. Sir, this is really, really... really insensitive. Know what this is, it's really, really good business. We've got a crowd. We got a guy who wants to die anyways. Why don't make something out of his life? In his final seconds, he can be our ball drop, or as I call it,

the Holland Highway Guide drop. Sir, I'm not, I don't know if I want to be privy to this. I'll tell you what you'll be privy to. You'll be privy to farting on the side of that tax. cab over there if you don't go through with this sir i don't fart on things yeah well i do you ever fart on a fire hydrant while a dog's taking a leak sir this is hardly the time or the place to be discussing farting well well we're about to have a guide drop is that what you wanted to say sir this is just a horrible no-win situation oh it's a win all right it's a win when we get this

crowd whipped up. Now I'm going to start getting them going because this guy looks like he's about to jump. Let's start the countdown. Here we go. Come on. Let's go, everybody. Ten, nine. Sir, please don't do this.

Eight. Sir, stop the counting. Five, four, three, two, one. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, sir. He jumped.

Yeah, listen to this. I got a band to come down here. You hear that music? Are you kidding me, sir? You got a band to play? A guy just jumped to his death. Hey, I told you, it's called the guide drop, okay? I'm sure you've done a lot of guide drops in your day. What does that mean, sir? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Oh, my God.

Hey, listen to this. I actually got these guys to play New York, New York. Listen to this. what are you sir this isn't new york it is tonight and there's one less guy to sing it with the crowd but here we go sir this is i'm in shock i'm dismayed i'm saddened i'm sorry that our listeners have to hear about the the guy drop sir please don't call it that all right the guy jump and go splat splat how about that you know what sir i'll stick with guy drop i thought you would. Happy New Year there, Howland. What's that, sir? I said, happy New Year. Come here.

Sir, what are you doing? There you go. I just gave you big New Year's kiss. Sir, you didn't have to stick your tongue in my mouth. Did I do that? Yes, you did, sir. Well, I did? Yes. Well, it's not like I go to those funny little bars that you go to. You know, that's another thing, sir. How come you

know about all these funny little bars that I've never heard of. What are you saying? Well, I just find it interesting that you know all these bars, and then you kiss me on New Year's Eve. I didn't kiss you. But I just... I didn't kiss you, right? Right, sir. You know my wife Carol, don't you?

Yes, sir. Ah! What? Ah! Sir, can I go back to the studio, please? There's a dead guy over there. Oh, my God. He's splattered all over the place.

Happy New Year, Howland. Say Happy New Year to all your listeners. I don't want to do it here, sir. Not at the Guide Drop. You're going to do it, and you're not going to go back to a studio. Happy New Year, everybody. Thank you for attending the first annual guide drop here at the Harland Highway. There you go.

Happy New Year. I'm going to get back to the... office happy new year sir happy new year everybody i'll i'll meet you back at the studio roger if you're listening on the are you there yeah you throw to a commercial give me time to get back to the studio happy new year everybody Okay, Roger, I'm back. Yeah, I'm back. Cut the commercial.

I'm back, and I'm not feeling good, ladies and gentlemen. Good Lord. Look, I know I'm not allowed to speak out against the administration here, but that was very unacceptable in my mind, okay? I just want you people to know that I don't stand by the idea of an annual guide drop off the ledge of a building. A human life has been lost. A human being has been expended.

It should have been a sad, horrible moment where society, and people hung their heads low in sadness, in shame, in sorrow. And instead, we turned a man's final seconds into a joyous celebratory event, welcoming in a new year of life on the back of a guy who was dying in midair. And as my boss said, went splat-splat. very insensitive term, by the way, all over the pavement. So I'm just saying for the record, I don't endorse it. But nonetheless, we did have a pretty good time out there, Roger.

I mean, the crowd really seemed to get into it at the end. But that regardless, never again, never again. And unbelievable. The lengths that this networked, this student, studio will go to to get ratings to, uh, it's just pandering, and it's at the expense of other human beings. I kind of like the Frank Sinatra touch at the end, too, the New York, New York, even though we're, okay, look, let's, let's move on.

Happy New Year, everybody. Uh, let's talk about the new year. Um, if you want to see me live, and I hate to use the word live in the context of, the first annual Harland Highway Guide drop. But I will be live. We're talking January 2nd to January 5th in Orlando, Florida. You can catch me at the improv. Go to Harlan Williams.com to get your tickets.

Just click on the comedy tour link, and you can order your tickets. And then January 9 to 12, if you're on the West Coast, I will be appearing live at the Improv. in Irvine, California, in Orange County. Great, great club. Again, just go to harlornwilliams.com and click on the tour schedule. While you're in there, check out the Harlem Williams store. Don't forget to, well, you're on harlewilms.com.

Please subscribe to my YouTube channel. The button's right there on the page. There's going to be a lot of funny videos coming up in the new year. I promise you. You don't want to miss them. A lot of homemade, crazy videos. There's going to be a new show coming out that I'm doing called The 60 Second Talk Show. There's going to be a show called Harlem Williams Daily Smile.

There's going to be an incredible new web series that I've created that's actually not comedic. It's post-apocalyptic. It's called The Australian. This is the first announcement I've even made about it, but it's pretty heavy duty. So I'm going to tell you more about that as we get into the new year But if you don't subscribe to Harlan Williams YouTube channel When you go to my site You're going to miss all these amazing videos

So please make sure you put that on your to-do list You can follow me at Harlan Williams on Twitter You can join the Facebook page for the Harland Highway And all that fun stuff So once again ladies and gentlemen and this is the last time I'll be talking to you in 2013, which sounds weird. But I do, regardless of the first annual guide drop,

and if we have to do this every year, I don't know. This sounds like I don't even want to get into it. Anyways, I want to wish you and yours a very, very, very happy new year. Here's the all good things. Thank you for being here and joining me. at the Harland Highway again for another year. It means so much to be able to come into your lives and share and hopefully make you laugh and think and talk and scowl and all that stuff.

So thank you very much to all the pavement pounders who listen. Tell your friends. And don't forget you can hear the show on all thingscomedy.com where there's other podcasts that are very funny and that's it that's all I got for now ladies and gentlemen don't forget I'll be on Conan O'Brien

on January 7th promoting my new movie back in the day which you can now pre-order so go on Amazon and all that and look for back in the day the movie and that's it I'm getting out of here

I'm going to go down and see if I can help clean up down the street happy New Year to all of you, and until next year, chicken. Chalmayne, baby.