The Harland Highway - 543 - Harland's new movie BACK IN THE DAY. Dreams, hairs, shopping carts

Episode Date: January 6, 2014

Harland talks about his new movie BACK IN THE DAY, also, dreams, hair, and being a kid. Also exciting new YouTube channel. Bend my blend-er!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Jumping Corn Dogs. How are you, ladies and gentlemen? This is Harlem Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway. Happy New Year, since we're still at the beginning of it. And welcome, welcome, welcome. Great show today. We're going to be talking about all kinds of nutty stuff.

We're going to be talking about your dreams, the dreams that we have. We're going to be talking about our childhood memories. We're going to be talking about the. the Harland Highway question of the day. And today's question is not pretty. Ew, it's kind of disgusting and gross. But it is something that all of us have to deal with. So we're going to be getting into that in depth.

Like I said, flashing back talking about things that make us feel like a kid again. Our nightmares, our dreams will be investigated. And we're also going to take a pavement. pounder phone call today. And then towards the end of the show, I'm going to tell you about my exciting new movie that's coming out called Back in the Day. It actually comes out today. And I'm also going to be telling you about all the content on my YouTube channel that I

want you guys to subscribe to because you don't want to miss the content I'm going to be putting out in 2014. I'll tell you all about it down near the end of the show. But for now, let's get started. This is the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway Hey-yo There's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy

Many, many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway.

You know where you never know what you're going to get is in dreams. What the hell are dreams, man? Just bizarre. What a bizarre world to be in. You know, you fall asleep and you're at the mercy of your mind, your imagination. your whatever the hell they are i don't know where they come from how they work but think about it like your body goes down your body shuts down your breathing slows down your heartbeat slows down everything slows down the blood circulating through your system

slows down your blood pressure probably goes down everything everything shuts down except your mind. Your mind actually accelerates. Your mind starts having these vivid images and these vivid little movies playing out in your head. And it's almost like when you're awake, you're in charge of your mind. You're like, okay, mind, we're going to the store. We're buying soup.

We're buying cereal. Then we're going to drive home. Then we're going to watch the news. Then we're going to make dinner. then we're going to go to the bridge club, and then we're going to play tennis. Right? You control your mind. You don't go anywhere or do anything unless the mind is commissioned by you.

It's almost like a trained dog. I'm going to step on the gas and I'm going to go faster. I will tell my brain to step on the gas and my car will go faster. I'm going to put my finger in my ear and pick this chunk of wax out. But it's almost like when you go down, when you go to sleep, it's almost like, remember when you were a kid? You ever do this? You ever sneak the car keys and sneak into the garage and sneak into your parents' car and go driving around? What, me?

No, I never did that. I'm just saying to you. My parents are listening. I would never. But it's almost like your brain just goes, okay, daddy's asleep. I'm going to go out and play. I'm going to go on a drug trip. I'm going to do LSD.

I'm going to do ecstasy. I'm going to go to a horror movie. I'm going to trip out, man. It's like your brain just goes on a field trip. Suddenly you have no control. Suddenly the brain's like you're flying, you're going underwater, you're turning into a giant piece of bacon. You've got polar bear arms and you've got flamingo legs.

you're a woman, you're having sex with a gorilla, you're roasting on a barbecue. There's an angel throwing lawn darts in your neck. I don't know. It's twisted. It's like a bad kid. You know, let's wait till mommy and daddy go to sleep, and then we're going to go berserk.

Or it's like the parents go on a trip, and the parents are like, okay, now no parties, well, mommy and daddy are away. Yes, mommy and daddy. Of course not. We're such good children. Second the door closes. Right?

It's like a jungle. So what the hell is our brain doing taking over? Why doesn't it shut down? Shouldn't it be resting? I mean, our brain is probably our most active organ. or muscle or whatever it is. It just keeps rolling all day long. Probably nothing works more continuously than the brain.

And, well, I'd say maybe the heart. The heart's nonstop, but the brain just keeps churning, man. And so you'd think at night it would, it of all things would just want to shut down. Like, oh, God, what a, what a day. The things I've seen. The things I've heard, the things I've processed. You know, it's like a secretary being run around by an overzealous boss.

Come on, Mildred, give me those photocopies. Hurry up and send the facts. Where's my damn reports? I want my coffee yesterday, Mildred. Right? So you think that damn brain would just go, I'm going to sleep, man. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to sleep. but instead it kicks in and goes on this wild party. It looks like it gets on a brain party cruise barge. Just goes out to the Caribbean and goes berserk all night. It's probably why we get old. You know, our brain probably gets so tired because it never rests. I bet if the brain just slept at night, we'd live longer. And then the worst part is, you know,

brain your dreams can bring you bizarre stuff that can take you into like incredible like fantasy world let's face it everybody probably some of the best most outrageous bizarre sex any of you has ever had is in a dream

I mean how many of you have uh you know made it with uh your matinee idol or with a cyborg or with Mount Rushmore I mean the the people you've probably mounted in your dreams.

I don't even want to know, you perverts, you dirty people. God! But I think the worst place the dreams can go is when you have a nightmare, man. When you go into a horrible nightmare, I had one recently. It was the most bizarre thing. I was at some club or some social setting. And there was this girl I was talking to.

There was a bunch of people milling around. There was a big crowd. This girl was like, okay, she's going to be here any minute. Don't look at her. Don't get near her. She's a bad person. And for some reason, there was this tiki doll standing in the doorway with a kind of a grass skirt type of, but it was made out of threads. And all of a sudden, this girl comes in, and she kind of goes right to the tiki doll and starts plucking fibers out of this tiki dolls like gown or whatever it was.

And the girl I was talking was like, don't let her do that. Don't let her do that. She uses that stuff for voodoo. She's pulling the threads out of the skirt. She's going to use them in voodoo curses. And the way this person was picking at the threads, all I could see was the back of her head. And she was picking, pulling, but like really,

it's almost like in fast motion. Like you remember, remember that movie, The Ring, when the girl crawled out of the well? And it felt like she would walk, But, like, there'd be little portions of her walk that didn't exist. So she'd, like, accelerate a little faster than normally. And so that's what was happening here. And I'm looking at this girl.

I'm like, what the hell is going on? Then all of a sudden, my dream has me laying down on some kind of couch in this room. And this girl turns around from the tiki thing and just makes a beeline right from my rib cage. And she starts pecking at my ribs, like a chicken pecking at my ribs. like a chicken pecking at the ground I could feel her like pecking into my ribs I was like oh my God she's trying to peck into my soul she's trying to open my ribs and get it and I can feel it

it literally felt like someone was like like knocking on my ribs with their fist and I was terrified like I couldn't get her off she was again she was pecking really fast really fast and all of a sudden I popped up awake and I was like terrified and I grabbed my rib cage and it felt like it hurt and it felt real and I was looking around the room and my heart was full of fear you know you know that

scary fear when you're a little kid and you're terrified because you didn't understand the world you didn't understand what was real and what wasn't so if you heard a ghost story or you thought you saw a monster or something you reacted in a very scared way I woke up just like terrified and it was the dumbest thing but whenever you're dealing with like the devil or something and get to your soul. I think that's why the exorcists scared so many people because the devil's like, you know, or evil is kind of a real presence in the world.

And so people relate to that. They get scared. So anyways, welcome to my nightmare, Alice Cooper. So there you go. Just talking about weird stuff. Maybe this podcast is a dream because we do go to some weird, scary places in this podcast. That's what I'm talking about.

I'm dreaming right now. None of this is real. Okay, I got it. This is all a dream. Okay. Well, let's go to a commercial and let's see if when I come back, we're out of the dream. Boo! Ah!

Ladies, when you've got a, you know, east infection, Monastak cures it just as effectively as the leading prescription. And it starts to relieve that itch and burn four times faster. No wonder, doctors recommend it most. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Yeah, here it is. The question of the day is, are you ready? And I hope someone has the answer.

What in the name of holy hell is an answer? is an ingrown hair. What the hell is going on there? You got hairs that want to go the other way? Oh man, I'm not going out there, man. It's cold out there. Are you kidding me, man? I don't know why you guys are going up there on that scalp

because I'm going the other way, man. I'm staying inside. It's cold. It's winter out there, man. What's wrong with you, motherfucker? Are you fucking crazy going out in that cold? I'm growing in the other way, man. What the fuck is wrong with you, people?

Are you fucking crazy, man? Let's fucking freeze my ass out there. I'm going inside. I'm an ingrown hair, motherfucker. Wow. Either they're stubborn or they're smart or they're dumbasses. Which way do I grow? Everyone else is growing.

out, I'm going to grow in. What the hell? And what happens when they grow in, when they decide to grow into your body, I'm glad all the hairs don't do that. Can you imagine if we had hairy insides? Imagine that, all our hair growing in to our body? We'd just be walking tickle machines. Everyone would be walking down the street, giggling, oh, it tickles, oh, stop and stop it. Oh, stop and stop, tickling.

But what happens is when these little monkeys start growing inside on other parts of your body. Like you'll just get a random one on your face, like on your neck for men who have whiskers, you'll get one on your neck or on your chin, even on your cheek sometimes. Sometimes you'll get one on the middle of your leg You could get one in your groin area And you're like, oh my God, I've got mushroom crabs Oh my God, what is that big red welt What is that big red pill?

Oh great, I've got the herpes I haven't had six in 24 years But somehow I got immaculate herpes Oh my God Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Right? It's crazy. And then not only do they grow in, but they get all big and red. And then a lot of times I hate to talk about it, but they get all pussy. They're like supernova zits.

You're like, what the hell? And sometimes if you look into, you can almost see through the skin, you can see the hair coiled up inside there. Oh! It's like, wait a minute. That little guy's not coming out of my skin. He's hiding under my skin, that little weasel. And it's almost like you ever see when they hold up a chicken egg to a light.

You can see the embryo inside. kicking around and moving, you can see the outline of the skeleton and the body of the bird. That's what it's like with the ingrown hair. If you look at it close enough, you can actually see the little rascal coiled up under your skin. And you're like, oh, you son of a, how dare you grow the other way? Who do you think you are growing the other way? And then inevitably you have to pick at it. You're like, you're coming out here.

You are coming out You are joining the club Your hair You're supposed to keep me warm What are you doing? Growing inside Slacker So then you pick away at it

Or you pop it or whatever I know this is gross But live with it You've all done it Stop looking at me Like I'm like some kind of Grossout Queen I'm the grossout queen

Everybody get your pussy pimples out let's begin to pop pop pop pop there you go everybody squirt your puss all over the kingdom i am the gross out queen god i wish that was a real queen now i want to meet the gross out queen um so yeah so then you go through the bloody mess and then sometimes you have to reach in and actually pull the hair out it's all curly and it's like delivering a baby it's like you know you pull your own flesh open and you pry out this little hair it emerges into the world for the first time the zip breaks and all the embryonic fluid goes everywhere oh god shut up what do you want shampoo and condition are great so there it is that's my big

question of the day. I know a lot of doctors listen to the podcast, so please Docs, phone in and tell me what in the name of sweet and sour Nellie Frittato lasagna sauce is an ingrown hair. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. My name's Wyatt Luce. I listen to your podcast all the time. I heard John, Dave, Shely, and Chainsaw, the type of nudge.

Anyway, I've been hearing you talk about, like, drinking from the hose and going out and the sprinklers and everything, feeling like a kid again. What you need to do is next time you're grocery shopping, ride the shopping cart through the aisles, like at the scooter, like you used to when you were a kid, just haul ass. It brings back so many memories.

All right, man, love the show. Bye. Oh, wow, Wyatt. Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt. I want to try it. Yeah, I love the story. sound of that. Holy smokes. Yeah, Wyatt's referring to, I did a show a little while back where I talked about activities

that make you instantly feel like a kid again. And one of the ones that I had brought up was when you drink from the garden hose. You go out, you pick up the hose, and you drink out of the end of the hose. And for some reason, that just made me instantly turn like nine years old again. so the whole shopping cart thing oh i like that i like that a lot man um i think we've all done the uh shopping cart adventure haven't we we've we've we've all at one point in time uh goofed around in that shopping cart and one of one of my favorite places to do it was i used to like to uh get get get out in the parking lot or you can really make a run for it you know you get your groceries out

in the parking lot and your cars way at the other end of the parking lot and you just get up ahead of steam and you jump on that thing and you just surf, man. You're like the silver surfer on a silver shopping cart surfing through the parking lot. And then someone backs out and hits you.

But yeah, and there's something really nice, Wyatt. Something really nice about the way they shine those floors up in the grocery stores, right? The tile floors. Oh, those are sweet, man. Those are sweet, shiny floors just made for skating around.

You know, since you can't wear roller blades when you're grocery shopping, you definitely, definitely, definitely got to get up in that shopping cart and roll around. Because those floors just make it so inviting. And I think all of us remember, too, probably doing the bumper cars you ever do that where you get a couple of guys in a shopping carts and you you're bashing to each other that's always a treat um and even like like uh why it said even as you're older you know it's fun to just if you're if you're doing your groceries one day and uh you know you're in an aisle by yourself just give that card a little nudge and jump up on there

and, you know, go flying back the frozen chicken, past the frozen chicken tenders and surf on past the frozen Brussels sprouts. Huh? Just glide on by the tables full of apples and pineapples and beans and onions. It's really, it's like surfing through a farmer's field. But good call, man. Wyatt, good call. I like that feeling like a kid again by getting in the old grocery card.

Here's the only danger element to that, okay? These things can go a little off balance sometimes. They're not the most balanced contraptions in the world. So be careful you don't tip over. And the biggie, keep your fingers in the cart, kids. I wonder if Wyatt ever crunched his fingers into another card or into the wall because you're hanging on and that does not feel good. Your bone and flesh crunched between a wall and the metal, the metal basket.

That's some hard, cold metal crunching your fingers there, gang. So there are some safety tips to Wyatt's childhood flashback. but I'm with Wyatt, man. I totally agree. Good call, Wyatt. Thank you for calling in, man, taking us back to the day. And speaking of taking us back to the day, I have to talk about this, ladies, and snartled Ergens.

My new movie back in the day comes out today. You can get it on Amazon. You can get it on, you know, look around on all the purchase sites where you can download movies. Unfortunately, I don't have the exact address, but I think it's on Amazon and all those places. You can just go on YouTube or Google and type in download back in the day directed by Michael Rosenbaum, starring Michael Rosenbaum, Nick Swartson, Morena Baccaran, Sarah Colonna, Isaiah Mustafa. uh myself and it's called back in the day because it's a movie about going back in the day it's about some some uh some grownups going back to their high school reunion and kind of reconnecting

with all the people from their past and um you know starting to act the way they did when they were younger when they were kids back in the day uh and it's it's a really really fun kind of, it's kind of like old school meets animal house type of movie and some really funny moments, some really fun stuff. And I think you'll get a big laugh out of it. So check it out. It's coming out on demand today. And then I think in another week, it's showing up in theaters.

That's how they're doing stuff in Hollywood nowadays. they actually release movies on the Internet before they put them in theaters. It's just everything's getting weird. But that's the way it is. So check it out. And then I will be on Conan O'Brien tonight. I will be on Conan O'Brien tonight actually promoting the movie.

And you can check that out. I think we're going to show a clip. And it should be super cool, man. Should be super cool, man. even watch it while you're sitting in your um shopping cart picking your ingrown uh hairs how about that um so good times uh for that it's always fun to be on conan who knows what's going to happen on conan um also i want you to if you want some real funny uh clips i want you to go to my website harlowe williams dot com and please subscribe to my youtube channel because a lot of

funny videos are going to start coming real soon. And if you subscribe to my channel, all these homemade videos that I've been making secretly in my secret locations over the last few years, I've actually been building up quite a library of videos that nobody has seen yet. They're going to be exclusive on my YouTube channel. So all you have to do is go to my website, hit subscribe, you'll see the YouTube logo, And then every time I put up a new video, it'll just automatically come to your email or your phone or your Twitter account or whatever. And a lot of fun shows.

I've got a show called The 60 Second Talk Show. It's probably the quickest talk show there is. I literally do a minute-long interviews, but very informative, very groundbreaking, good interviews. I've also got a show called The Daily Smiley. where they're just quick little clips where if you're having a crappy day, click on the daily smile and hopefully there's a little video there of me

saying something that'll put a smile on your face. That's a lot of fun. You know, I always think of people at work or on their lunch break and I'm like, ah, man, and having a bit of a gloomy day. And then boom, all of a sudden, the daily smile comes through and hopefully I give them a little laugh,

cheer up your day a little, which would be nice. And then a much darker, darker video series that I've been working on for a number of years, and this one isn't even comedic. These are like little short movies. It's called The Australian, and it's a post-apocalyptic,

very violent, dark look at the human race after most of us drop dead. And I'm going to tell you more about that when we get closer to putting it up there. But if you're not part of my YouTube channel, you're going to miss it all and you don't want to miss it all. It's going to be a lot of laughs and a lot of cool stuff. So I can't stress it enough. And while you're at my website, please check out our store, harlan Williams.com, videos, DVD, shirts, music, all kinds of stuff.

Artwork. And also join me at Twitter at Harlan Williams on Twitter. join our Facebook page. Just becoming part of this pavement pounder community, ladies and gentlemen. And as far as seeing me do some stand-up, well, let's see, what do I got coming up? I do have. I do have. I'm going to be out in New Brunswick doing a thing called the Hubcap Comedy Festival. It's a huge comedy festival out there.

there. I'm going to be performing at a giant theater out there. I'm going to be doing a show. My opening act is a very funny guy, John Wing Jr., who you might have seen on America's Got Talent, this last season. He was one of the stand-up comedy finalists. And so a lot of really great stuff going on. So check out my stand-up comedy schedule at Harlewilms.com, and that's it, man. I am out of breath.

I got to go pick my ingrown hairs. I got to, man, I got to go get my ingrown hair on, man. So there you go. That's it, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for being here. Tell your friends to get on the highway. We got to go. And until next time, pick your ingrown hairs and chicken chowmaine, baby.