The Harland Highway - 544 - Dennis Rodman and North Korea, dangerous pets.

Episode Date: January 9, 2014

Let's figure out what Rodman is doing in Korea, Dangerous pets for sale, rituals at ATM's and Harland's YouTube channel. Blinkety blank stank!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Take my breasts away. Damn, down, down. No, it's not take my breasts away. It's take my breath away. And I hope I take your breath away in 2014. That's my plan. I just want to overpower you guys with this podcast and take your breath away.

Hey, everybody, welcome to 2014. Great to be here with you. Another year of fun and madness. Let's get going. We are going to be talking about Dennis Rodman as an ambassador to Korea and the United States. What the heck's that all about? I've got some interesting theories about the whole Dennis Rodman thing going on. Also, we're going to be talking about you and your ATM experience.

Yeah, your weird, suspicious behavior when you go to the ATM. Also going to be talking about my strange trip to the pet shop. There are some very interesting and dangerous animals being sold at the pet shop. I'm a bit confused and a bit scared, but it's also kind of funny. And then lastly, I'm going to be talking about my YouTube channel. I want you all to subscribe to my YouTube channel. I'm going to be putting up all kinds of new content, original programming this year. I'll tell you about it later in the show.

but let's get started, 2014 on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway. Hey-oh. There's glasses. I will find you.

My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many. Fucking years of therapy. I will kill you. Well, I! Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this.

The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Well, well, well, welcome to 2014, lurdies and nerdl-durl-dirtleys. What an exciting time, exciting year happening here. Who knows what's going to happen? Who knows what madness lies in the hearts of men? But I'm excited.

I'm glad you're back for another year, another season of the Harland Highway, full of new and wacky, wonderful things, events, stories, ideas. And I'm just happy you're here. I'm excited to kick off another year of life. Don't quote me on that Because you never know if you're going to make it to the end But I'm going to try and be here for the whole year

You don't know what's going to happen But I kind of kicked things off In a weird way I went over to a pet shop the other day I was over at some building somewhere Doing some business And the parking lot that I had to park in

was attached to a there was a pet shop in front of one of those big peck co places I was like oh man I'm gonna go in and look at some puppies or something you know I want to go look at some little collie dogs or a baby St. Bernard

or a Sharpay all crinkled up like an old chocolate bar wrapper or maybe some kitty cats or some birdies right so I go in and I start looking around, and I see the exact opposite from cute. The first thing I run into is a glass cage or a glass fish tank with no water in it, but it's full of rats.

I'm like, rats? What the hell? Where's my cute little poodle puppy? What's with the yellow golden-teethed rats here? And you got to remember, you know, pet shops cater to kids a lot. It's always the kids that want the pets. And it's like, Daddy, I want a rat. I mean, always spend our whole lives, like, being completely creeped out and grossed out by rats.

And here they are selling for, like, 50 bucks a pop. It's like, yeah, yeah, I don't want the, don't give me the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, dash hound poodle. Instead, give me that rodent over there that helped spread the bubonic plague through 15th century Europe. Give me the rat. I'll take a rat, please. Can I get some black death on that rat, please? I mean, aren't these the animals that we put cheese in rat trap and the rat traps snap on their faces. That cheese wasn't so good after all. Yeah.

I remember I lived at a house once here in California. I was renting a house and there were rats, man. There were rats. I didn't know until after I rented it. But sometimes down in the kitchen I could hear some things being chewed. And I could hear footsteps running around and stuff, and I'd find holes and bags. And I remember I bought some rat traps.

And I remember my ex-girlfriend would be there. We had these rat traps out. We'd be upstairs sleeping. One time we were in a dead sleep. And it must have been two, three in the morning, and we just heard snap! And we both, like, popped up out of our dead sleep. and we just looked at each other

and at the same time I swear to God we just both went rat we just said rat at the same time it was so funny and so we ran down into the kitchen and sure enough man there was a rat that was probably the size of a puppy

I mean this thing was big man and its face was like smashed right into the rat trap and it was like a pool of blood it looked like it looked like when you see a murder movie and they shoot a guy and he falls to the ground and you just see the pool of blood slowly creeping out from under his body.

That's what this looked like. It was messy and gross. I'm like, why does a kid want a pet rat? I remember my little sister had one back in the day and it's always a little odd because they got teeth, man. They got some big teeth, even the pet ones. Who's to say they're not going to bite you

and attack your face and eat your face off. But then it got worse. It went way beyond the rats. All of a sudden I went around the corner, and here was another tank filled with, like, scorpions. I'm like, wait a minute, what? It's like, okay, let's spend, you know,

a couple of weeks childproofing the house. We don't want our kid to bang his head on the coffee table, but, gee, why don't we go ahead and buy him a black African scorpion with a poison dart sticking out of his ass? How about that treat, Billy? And then I go, I keep walking, and I see, like, snakes, these big, like, giant, like, pythons. And I'm like, okay, we won't let Billy play with the Lego because it's a choking hazard.

But let's go ahead and buy him a nine-foot-long Burmese Anaconda. Let's see. Let them put that around his neck and play. So I don't know. They got some odd choices going over at the old El Petto El Chapo. But I'll tell you, there's one thing I did like. They had these cages full of mice. There was a bunch of mice.

And even some of the rats and there's some guinea pigs, all these rodents. Who wants rodents? But anyways, these cages were, they'd be packed. They'd be packed full of rodents. And there'd be like, you know, there'd be like 50 mice in a fish tank or 20 rats in a fish tank. And the one thing I did like is, you know, obviously they're clean and they're fuzzy because they're, you know, they're living in wood chips. but here they are they're all cuddled up together

they're all sleeping together in a bundle like one mouse has his face on another mouse's belly and another mouse has his head resting on the back of the other guy's head and another guy's got an arm throwing over and there's a guy laying spread eagle and there's someone laying across his body and it's just like

it was like the warmest, fuzziest, softest place on earth I was like, wow, I want to sleep like that. Like, why don't humans just bundle up like that? We got families. Why don't we all just bundle up together and lay together? No, no, no, no. What am I saying? God.

Disgusting. But I guess what made it nice with the mice is that, you know, they're all furry and soft and they look so cute. And you can see their little rib cages going up and now when they were breathing. and aw cute oh stupid little leaping mice so yeah that was my adventure to the the pet shop and yeah I saw a few little birdies I didn't see any kitties I didn't see any puppies I saw some fish

saw tarantulas what that is selling tarantulas nothing worse than a spider than a hairy spider okay like aren't spiders creepy enough And then you got taranches. They're growing hair. I mean, these trances have more hair than my bald uncle Larry, man. So what's up pet shops, man? You got to dial it down a nacho.

Okay, you're up here. I need you down here. Okay? Enough with the killer animals in the pet shop. I'll just take a little Siamese kitty cat. Thank you very much. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. All right, switching gears.

I think it's time we talked about this Dennis Rodman, North Korea thing, man. What the heck? You know what? It's weird he's going over there. It's weird he's hanging out with Kim John. But you know what I think it is, man? I think it's more of this Argo stuff. Remember that Ben Affleck movie?

the Ben Affleck movie Argo where they pretended they were making a science fiction movie and it was all a ruse to smuggle American diplomats out of Iran and they filtered them through the Canadian embassy and blah blah blah but it was this big like elaborate you know kind of phony put on production that the CIA they threw together, claiming they were, you know, they were shooting a sci-fi movie, and that was kind of their cover for sneaking the Americans out of Iran. And now I'm thinking that, you know, Dennis Rodman,

it might not be by accident that this oddball pairing of, you know, this radical out-there basketball legend, is paling around with one of the most tyrannical world leaders there is. It's just so odd. It's just so out there that it reeks of Argo. I mean, what are the odds of Dennis Rodman chumming around becoming Pally with this crazy boxed-in,

communist world leader who, you know, is keeping his country in the dark ages. Suddenly he's paling with this six-foot-nine NBA great. So part of me thinks, you know, the government could be behind it. I don't know. This is just a theory. I don't know if it's a conspiracy theory or not. I just think it's a theory. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. That may be as much as we look at it and we laugh at it and we think it's ridiculous and, you know, it's stupid. I don't think it goes beyond reason to think that, you know, maybe, and this is just an extreme possibility, or maybe it's not. Who knows?

But maybe this whole Rodman thing is being watched very closely by the U.S. government. Who knows, maybe the U.S. government kind of secretly made it happen, and maybe they're involved. Maybe they're involved in a very covert way. And, you know, obviously there's been no real success in diplomacy between North Korea and the United States in forever. And sometimes things in life come through the most odd channels. And as much as you roll your eyes and you roll your head back and go, what is this? First of all, we think Rodman's crazy. Everyone thinks he's a nut, and he's an eccentric guy, definitely.

But what if to get through to an eccentric world leader, like Kim Jong-un, you need someone just as eccentric from our side? And what if, and, you know, air quotes around what if, what if it is something this radical, this kind of out of left field that makes the difference. You know, in life it isn't always the logical solution or the logical choice that leads to a solution. Sometimes you go way outside of the box on things.

Sometimes you find a red herring, you have an anomaly, you have a fluke. You know, if you look at the world of engineering, You look at the world of aeronautics, space exploration, automation, industry, technology, medicine, surgery. I mean, you could probably create a list that goes from here to the moon with mistakes that actually turned out to be the proper thing in order to make the thing work. So whether my theory of Rodman actually, you know, being part of a government covert operation, as ridiculous as it seems, is real or not, who knows?

But outside of that, just you have to go, gee, what if a guy like Rodman goes over there and he's chumming around with this madman. And the madman goes, you know, I really like this Rodman guy. And by the way, this Rodman guy is American. And gee, I wonder if other Americans are like Rodman. I wonder if everyone's this friendly or everyone wants to be my friend or, you know, sometimes it just takes a little crack to open a door.

You've got to start with a little crack before a door open. and what if what if rodman's friendship is enough to change somebody's mind you know it's always these little things little miracles little little momentum shifts little unexpected things it's it's like it's like you guys have you ever dated someone or you know you've been friends with someone for years or you meet someone you're like this is the last person in the world I thought I would ever fall in love with or want to be their boyfriend or girlfriend. There's no way I saw this coming.

There's no way I was going to go out with Sally. She has a crooked nose and I don't like her laugh. And now I'm madly in love with her and I can't get enough of her. And the world's wonderful. So what if Rodman is the catalyst? What if Rodman is the portal to opening relations? to the United States and North Korea. It'd be kind of funny.

It'd be kind of, it'd actually be kind of very cool. It's kind of like you ever watch these YouTube videos and you see, they'll show like a Siberian tiger in the same cage with a golden retriever. Or you'll see a pit bull nursing, a kit, Like there's these two oddities that don't belong together, yet somehow they become very accepting and loving and affectionate with each other, and somehow it just works.

You don't know how, you don't know why, but somehow it just works. And maybe this bizarre union of these two nutbags leads to something somewhere down the road. And if it did, you know, imagine if North Korea was freed and opened up. And one day there's a giant statue of Dennis Rodman in the town square. It's like a tribute to the guy that changed the course of North Korean and American history. There's a giant bronze statue of seven-foot-tall Dennis Rodman with rings in his face. Holding hands with three-foot-two-foot-tall Kim John Ung, who's wearing his black funeral parlor

Sportswear blazer. So anyways, there you go. Food for thought, and all I can say is you go, Dennis. I love him. I love the guy's awesome. It was so easy how they were so honest. That about a dictator who presides over prison camps allows millions to starve and is threatened to destroy the United States. Amazingly, Rodman now has more first-hand impressions of Kim than any other American.

There is nobody at the CIA who could tell you more personally about Kim Jong-un than Dennis Rodman. And that in itself is scary. What we've got here is failure to communicate. And speaking of suspect behavior, Are you suspicious when you go to the ATM machine? Are you like me? Do you stand there and you kind of look around? Do you feel like a spy?

You ever see those spy movies where someone's like sitting at a table and someone walks by and drops an envelope and keeps going? You know, you approach the ATM machine. You don't want anyone to see your password. You're like, you look around a little and then you pooh-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-poop, right? And then you go to get all your money. And then you finish, you finally finish. And it says, thank you.

But you're suspicious of the machine. You're suspicious of technology. You're like, I better, no, someone's behind me. I better, did I press all the buttons? Am I really done here? I always had a habit just press like cancel or end or stop. I always kind of press that last button. Even though the machine, a big screen comes up,

thank you for your transaction. Have a Merry, Merry Christmas. Good day or whatever. I'm always like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know you're still online. I know the guy behind me is going to take all my money out of my account. I see what you two are up to. I get it.

You're like a living money robot. And even though you're telling me I'm all finished, The guy behind me knows that you're going to leave my account open and give him a whole bunch of money, my money. And then the real funny thing is after all this suspicious behavior and you finally leave the machine, and you always do that one thing where you take one or two steps away and look back, do that quick look back.

Wait a minute, did I forget everything? Or, hey, I caught you. I can stop giving my money to that guy. You always have that little misstep when you leave. But after all this suspicious behavior, after all the mistrust, what do you do? You just grab your money and you never count it. How many times have you counted your money from an ATM machine? If you get 100 bucks out or 200 bucks, it says, just please take your cash.

And this wad of money slides out. And you just like grab it and stuff it in your wallet or your purse. and you're gone you don't you don't know you don't know how you don't have crazy like bill feeling fingers and uh all of a sudden you're just out of there and you didn't even count for all you know the machine did keep an extra 20 or 40 or 60 so it's kind of a goofy exercise and being suspicious when at the end of the whole exercise you kind of don't give a crap it's like the act of taking money is more intense than actually walking away with the money that you never count. And I'm sure it's always accurate.

Oh, yeah, you know, computers never go wrong. Technology never has glitches. I'm sure you always got every cent you typed in. Now you're going to be all paranoid. Now you're going to be like, oh, wait a minute. I'm going to start counting from now on. Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, what, what, what, what, what, what? Just one more thing to be paranoid about.

Hey, I want to tell you guys about something really cool. I want to get you guys all up and running on my YouTube channel. Here's why, because I'm going to be putting up a lot of original content this year, and it started already. It started on, I guess, about, two days ago, two or three days ago, I put up the first piece of brand new content. It's a new talk show I'm doing, and it's called the 60-second talk show, and it's very quick. It's usually about 60 seconds.

Maybe a little runs a little bit longer now and then, but straight around the six. So if you don't want to stay up late, if you don't want to stay up all night and watch an hour of Letterman or Leno or Kimmel or whoever, if you just want to a quick little talk show fix like 60 seconds worth this is your talk show so here's how you get it you have to go to my website harlowe williams dot com

and subscribe to the youtube channel you'll see you'll see a button on the bottom of my web page there and it's you'll see the youtube logo and just go on there and click on subscribe and there's no trick you're not being charged

for anything there's no gimmicks there's no it's just uh you get free access to uh my crazy content and every time what happens is once you're a subscriber every time i post a new 60 second talk show or some of the other uh content i'm going to be putting up this year you automatically get notified and then you can decide whether you want to watch it or not that's all but i wouldn't want you to miss this stuff because uh you know if you like my bent sense of humor on this show then i'm I'm guessing 2 plus 2 equals 9, and you'll like my wacky videos as well. And it's not your typical talk show.

I mean, I don't have the biggest celebrity guests on my talk show, but I have some very, very, very interesting guests. And, for example, my first guest on the first show, I interview a flat-screen television. Unbelievable, provocative, in-depth interview. It's me one-on-one, no-holds barred, with a flat-screen television. So make sure you check it out. And while you're on there, look around.

There's some other fun videos. There's my stunt show that I do, Fislang. There's some cartoons of me. There's some fishing videos. I don't know if you like fishing, but there's some videos of me fishing with the Fonz. Winkler. We did a fishing show together and all kinds of fun stuff and there's going to be more crazy stuff coming. I'm going to be putting out a movie in segments later this year. I'm doing a new web series. It's actually not even comedic. It's quite dark and it's a post-apocalyptic type of

web series called The Australian, which I've been secretly working on for the last number of years. I'm ready to unload it on the world. So, yeah, you don't want to miss it. Hit the YouTube button at Harlandwilliams.com so that you're the first to see the new postings. And by the way, I'm going to put something up every week. So every week you're going to get something fresh to kick off your week or enlighten your week. So I don't want you to miss out. So there you go.

And that brings us to the end of the show. That was kind of a topic more than it was an announcement, I guess. That's the way I like to look at it. But let me make some announcements. Now, if you want to see me do stand up live this weekend, I will be in California at the Orange County Irvine Improv. You can go to my website. While you're there getting your YouTube subscription,

you can click on my stand-up comedy schedule and you will see that I am going to be at the Irvine Improv. You can go on there, find a link to buy your tickets. And then later this month, the end of January, my first trip to the Atlanta Improv. That's going to be January 23rd through the 25th. And the Irvine one is January 9th to the 12th. So it's Thursday through Sunday.

Look forward to seeing you there. That's going to be a lot of fun. Don't forget my brand new movie is out on video on demand. It's called Back in the Day with me, Nick Swartson, Morena Baccaran, Sarah Colonna, Isaiah Mustafa, Michael Rosenbaum. It's a real funny, you know, high school reunion type coming of age movie. And I think you'll really get some good laughs out of it. A lot of real funny stuff in that movie.

So you can order it at iTunes or it's coming to select theaters around the country. Take a look on the Internet and see if it's coming to your town. And also check out Harlem Williams.com. Check out the store. Always some fun, exciting merchandise for you guys to peruse and pick up if you're so inclined. And that's it. I'm going to leave it right there. I hope you guys have a great, great, great 2014.

As I said at the top of the show, looking forward to getting it going with you guys. Let's have some laughs. Let's have some fun. And let's rock and roll. So there you go, 2014. Here we go, the Harlan Highway. We'll see you next time. And until then, chicken chalemain, baby.