The Harland Highway - 545 - Harland on CONAN, sleeping disorders, drunk idiots.

Episode Date: January 13, 2014

Hear a clip from Harland's interview with Conan, how to overcome sleeping disorders, and a woman gets drunk in the worst possible way. Drop my crop!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm on a Mexican radio. No, I'm not on a Mexican radio. Yes, you are, Signor. No, I'm not, Senor Fentez. Yes, you are. No. Sorry, Signor. Thank you.

I'm on a podcast. You're on a podcast. This is the Harland Highway, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show. What a treat. We are going to be taking a desperate call from a desperate pavement pounder today, who's having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. And I'm going to try my best to help her through this window of agony

and try and recommend some solutions. And maybe some of you are suffering from the same thing, having sleep difficulties. Hopefully I can shed some light, maybe offer some suggestions. I am, Dr. Harlan. No, I'm not a doctor. Also, we're going to be talking about my latest appearance on Conan. I did Conan O'Brien the other night.

I'm going to play a little clip for you so you can join in on the laughter. And then a really crazy, wacky news story about a drunk chick who got involved with some elephants, okay, and some electricity. I'm going to leave it right there, and you're going to have to listen to this damn podcast to figure it out. But don't worry, it's worth it. This is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I will look for you. Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

The Harland Highway. Hey-yo. There's glasses. I will find you. My mom always said, you can't handle the truth. Many years of therapy. Many, many, many, many. fucking years of therapy

I will kill you listen lame brain let an expert show you how to do this the harland highway you never know what you're going to get it's the harland highway yeah it is it is the harland highway and I got to tell you gang

what a fun way to start off the year I had I don't know if you guys caught it but the other night I was on Conan Conan O'Brien and uh man it was a blast it was a i always i always have such a fun time doing his show and if you want to check it out uh you can go to conan's website uh team koko dot com that's the name of his website team koko

dot com and uh just so much fun you know me and conan have a good uh good chemistry together we always have a good laugh and uh you know it's just a blast so uh Let me play a little excerpt of one of my favorite moments on the show. Conan was asking me about, you know, my love of the outdoors and things like that. And so I told them about something I did that involved me and the great outdoors. Have a listen. I ruined my back. My back's incredibly sore.

I got the shingles. You ever get the shingles? I did have the shingles once, yeah. Doesn't it hurt? Yeah, it hurts like crazy. you get yours i got mine at home depot i think we're running real tight on time here pal you're the one that said you had them this guy over here this guy no one knows my name tonight this guy over here now this is a true story about you you you used to be a park ranger back in

the day oh yeah man i love the love the outdoors love the nature uh i saw just You watch nature shows? Sure, sometimes. I saw one recently. This blew my mind. One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. A bald eagle skimming over a lake, right? Skimming over a lake.

Its big yellow hands come out with the talons on it, the claws. Wham pulls up a salmon. Yeah. Salmon. No, no. There's a silent all in salmon. I learned that in school. So check it out, shitty, shitty bang, bang.

This eagle, the giant claws come out, whack, pulls a salmon up into the air. Salmon. Most beautiful thing I've ever seen, I got, I want, you know what, Daddy needs that for him, huh? Do you want it to do this? I want that moment. How could you have that moment?

Here's how I had that moment, guy. I went out to a lake, I drove out to a lake, I rented a hang glider. Oh, my God. Okay? It doesn't have there. I stopped at 7-Eleven. I bought myself a bag of bugles. I put those little witch hats on my fingers. I glided over the lake. I didn't get a salman. But lucky for me, there was a little North Korean boy kayaking. Oh, God's sake. Wham! Right in the eyes.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Harlan, how did you know he was North Korean? Well, his kayak was pointing north. Oh, for God. Were we in vaudeville together? Because I don't remember. I don't know. Who the hell's vaudeville?

He. Oh, lots of fun. I enjoyed calling him chitty, chitty bang, bang. I don't even know where that came from. But in case, obviously, you couldn't see. it, but the joke is that when I talked about the bugles, I held up my fingers and kind of mimed sticking a bugle on the end of each fingertip. I think something we've all done as kids and then your hands look like their giant eagle claws. So that was kind of the visual side of the joke. But like

I said, if you want to see it, you can always go to team cocoa.com and check it out. And And by the way, I was on the show promoting my new movie back in the day, which is available on video on demand at iTunes. And then I think it's coming out next week in selects theaters across the country. So a real fun comedy film about going back to high school for the high school reunion and getting into all kinds of trouble. It's myself, Michael Rosenbaum, Nick Swartson, Marana Baccaran, Sarah Colonna, Isaiah Mustafa, real fun cast, and real fun movies.

So please check it out. All right, moving on, people. Moving on. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay, here we go.

I guess New Year, you think things are going to be different, but they're not. People are still bazonkers. How about this story? A woman in Denver, okay, wanders into an elephant cage at the zoo. She's completely hammered and wanders into the elephant cage at the zoo. Okay? How drunk do you got to be to wander into an elephant cage? And here's the real kicker.

Not only did she wander into the elephant cage, but she got electrocuted on the electric fence in the elephant cage. That kind of dumbass. Now, I don't know if you've seen an elephant lately, but those things are pretty damn big. Okay? So you've got to figure what kind of voluble.

are you using to stop a friggin' elephant? I hope this lady was fat, I got to say. I hope her body was able to absorb the electricity. Because that is just, that's crazy. Maybe she was just too drunk. Talk about being fried. She was literally fried. So the cops had to come

And take this nutbag to the hospital She wanders into an elephant exhibit That's designed to house up to eight Asian bull elephants In addition to A greater one-horned rhinoceros clouded leopards, Malayan tapers, fishing cats, small clawed otters, and flying foxes. This elephant's home has six interconnected habitats and more than a hundred gated passageways. So this drunky opened herself up to getting attacked by not only elephants, but rhinos and leopards.

and tapers and fishing cats, flying foxes in her hair. I mean, what a nut job. What are you drinking? What are you drinking when you wander into an elephant tank? You dumbass? And there's that old saying, too, you know, it could be very deceiving because there's that old saying

when you drink too much, you start to see pink elephants. It's like an old drunk. monkey's tail. And maybe you get in with the elephants and you're so hammered and you start seeing elephant, real elephant, you're like, oh boy, here I go. I had too much to drink. I can see elephants. I can see that.

They're not pink, but they're, they're, you know. It's crazy. Listen to this. Denver police trying to figure out how a woman got. inside the elephant enclosure at the Denver Zoo last night. Police and paramedics found the woman during the Denver Zoo Lights events. They say she was extremely intoxicated. The first call came in as a possible electrocution.

The woman was taken to the hospital to be treated. Nut bag! So there you go, gang. Ease up on your Jack Daniels and your booze. Slow it down. You're up here. I need you right here. Don't want, don't be wandering into no.

elephant electric electric fence enclosure cranked up on booze. That's your New Year's resolution. Ease up. Ease up, Nellie, on your drinking habits. We don't want you to get electrocuted or trampled in the new year.

Hello? Hello? Hi, Harlan. This is Cindy from Portland, again. And I have only recently become aware of your podcast. I can't believe it took me this long to find it. But now that I have, I'm a constant listener going through and getting all your older episodes and listening to those. And so I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy it. I am such a fan. And I was wondering if maybe you could also help me figure out

how to get rid of my insomnia. I have been having this problem for about three months now. I don't have any trouble falling asleep, but I have trouble staying asleep. And it's not like I wake up and I'm worrying or I'm thinking about things in particular. And I've tried all the natural remedies. I've tried sleep, not hardcore sleeping pills, but something that's a little bit more mild and nothing seems to be working. I'm just kind of, I'm really, really tired.

So if you have any suggestions on how to sleep through an entire night, I would love to hear it. Enjoying, listening to you on your podcast, keep doing what you're doing, and hope to see you soon. Bye. Oh, my Cindy, my poor, poor Cindy, you do sound tired. I can hear it in your voice. Ugh, it's the worst. It is the absolute worst when you can't. sleep the way you want to sleep and um you know i i think one of the things that's happened that

happens and i don't know how old you are but uh i found this in my own life and talking to friends i find that as you get older your body just doesn't want to sleep as much i mean i'm a guy who used to be able to literally sleep 10 12 14 hours straight and uh and it was beautiful It was amazing. But I've discovered the older I get, once you get up over like, you know, you're probably your early 40s to mid-40s, I've realized that I'm having trouble sleeping. Just like you, it's harder for me to get even eight hours. It's like six hours is a good night for me now.

And this could be on a day where I have nothing else. to do i got nothing the next day it could be a sunday i don't have to be anywhere and i'm like man i can sleep in and uh it's just becoming harder and harder but um that isn't to say every night is like that for me but i do have those nights it sounds like you're going through it a lot so here's some advice okay i don't know if it'll work or it won't work but you asked for you know ideas for here it is um one thing you can try and i'm not a doctor so check in with your uh your medical team before you do this but one thing you can try is exercise i'll tell you what man when you get your body moving when you get the motor running when you're burning energy when you're burning

calories when you're on the treadmill when you're playing racquetball or tennis or even lifting some weights, and I'm not talking about power lifting. I'm just talking about a routine where you go to the gym and put in an hour or two a day or every other day. I'm telling you, your body needs time to heal. Your body needs time to recover from all that vigorous activity, and it demands sleep. So I don't know if you have an exercise routine that you do, but that's my first. first suggestion, and the benefits are multiple. A, you're probably going to sleep a lot better,

and that's actually scientific. That's something that they've done a lot of studies on, and you'll notice it. You'll notice your body needs the downtime, and you sleep kind of deeper and stronger and longer. That's been my experience. So I'm not only citing, you know, things I've read about this sleeping result, but it's also, personally, I've experienced it. And if you can introduce a mild or vigorous exercise routine into your life, I think you will start to see your body search for sleep. And next to that, here's some other things if you don't want to try exercise, but I strongly suggest it.

Again, check in with your physician before you do anything like that if you feel like it's something new to you or you're uncertain about it. Then next to that, here's something that can be interesting. I've learned this because I spend a lot of nights in hotels because I travel and I do my stand-up shows. And when you're in your hotel room, you know, you can always hear footsteps in the hall or room service or a baby crying a few doors down or whatever. And what I've started to do is I turn on the fan in the room, like the heating or the cooling system, and it creates that white noise. It's just like a shh-h-you- know that thing.

And what's good about it is it's a steady, consistent hum. And I'm one of these guys that if I'm sleeping, sometimes I anticipate hearing a noise like birds singing in the morning or construction or horns honking or a siren or, you know, any type of noise that just comes naturally out in the environment. So what I do now is I turn on a little fan. you can buy these little fans for like 20, 30 bucks, just an oscillating fan

and just get that white noise going in your bedroom, just the shh, and that could help. That might just mellow, even everything out, and your brain doesn't have to think or imagine that it hears a noise or anticipate noise in the night, which I think sometimes gets people perky and pops them out of their sleep.

So that's one suggestion. That's a second suggestion. A third suggestion is, and this is a weird one, but this really works for me, and I don't know why. It's an odd one, but there's a soundtrack out there by a composer named Vangelis, and he did the soundtrack for the movie Blade Runner. And the soundtrack consists of probably about 11 or 12, very soft, very, like, mellow, haunting, esoteric pieces. And then there's like, I think there's two or three kind of loud, more aggressive pieces. And so what I did is I dumped the, I dumped the, I dumped the, the CD into my editing system here and I took out the loud pieces and I just left in the

soft pieces and I'm telling you not only does that thing get me in a deep sleep but it puts me out I've probably played it 300 times before I go to bad and I think only on about four occasions do I remember hearing the last song? I'm usually out before I even get to the third song. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. and I think it's a combination of, A, just the beauty of this music and the softness, and it just lulls you to sleep quite nicely, at least it does for me.

But I also think it becomes a psychological switch where my brain goes, oh, there's the Blade Runner, time to go out. And it's amazing how, you know, and I'm not a guy that likes to listen to music or have noise when I'm going to sleep. I'm not a guy that likes to leave the TV on or, you know, to me that's distracting. So it's surprising to me that I'm able to sleep by putting on a CD. But I'll tell you what, man, it works for me.

So I'm just trying to help you any way I can. So if you want to get the Blade Runner soundtrack, you can probably download it on the end. internet. And if you have a friend who has an editing system for their computer, I recommend you cut out the louder songs. And again, there's only like three of them. And man, it does the trick for me. And then the last one I'll give you. And this one might be harder to achieve if you don't have a partner, if you're not married or you're not dating somebody. But I think we all agree that a good aggressive round of adult activities before you lay your head on the pillow

somehow really knocks you out. That might be the best sleeping aid of all. But unfortunately, you know, you're not always in a position to have that at your fingertips. So maybe it's a combination of all of this. There's the old, there's the old, there's the old white noise there's the old getting a lot of exercise there's the blade runner soundtrack and there's adult fun time

before you shut your eyes so Cindy I hope something in there helps you out I hope something in there works for you and I hate to be a guy to recommend pills and sleeping juice and

whatever it is, sleeping medicine. Because that stuff, that stuff, A, I think, you know, who knows what else it's doing to your body and your brain. I'm not a big guy on artificial pills and, you know. And then I've heard stories, nightmare stories about people, you know, getting addicted. And then I've heard stories about people who, yes, they end up getting the sleep.

But then when they wake up, they feel zoned out all day because there's kind of a residual effect of this stuff getting through their brain, getting through their blood. And it's, you know, they say that a lot of people I've talked to say they got the sleep, but they don't feel good the next day. And I'm like, that's not a good payoff. You should always feel good after a good long night, a sleepy poo. Sleepy poo.

So there you go. Let me play you just a little bit of the, soundtrack from Blade Runner as we go out here and see if it appeals to you and hell maybe it just puts you right to sleep here's about two minutes of one of the tracks and then uh at the end of the show after all the credits roll I'll play another little piece and I'll just let it run and uh you can try and fall asleep to uh one of the beautiful songs uh from composers Vangelis. Here it is. Check it out. We're going to be able to be.

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Oh man. Oh man. Isn't it nice? listen to all the little whistles and beeps and a lot of this most of this I think is all synthesized I think it's all electronic I don't know I don't know if you like it I love it and I'll tell you man the whole album like once you like I said you cut out those three kind of fast-moving pieces. The whole album is this. I mean, it's different sounding. Each song is different, but it's got that ethereal kind of dreamlike, kind of otherworldly vibe. I think it's one of the best

soundtracks I've ever heard. And it's interesting once you start listening to this soundtrack a lot, and then you go back and actually watch the movie and you hear all these beautiful pieces in the movie it's uh it's it's like a bonus treat bonus treat so anyways uh there you go i hope that helps cindy and like i said at the end of the show after i talk uh go through some credits i will uh i'll play a full a full piece i don't have the copyright or anything to these songs but this i'm just playing them as an example for you guys um and uh And, you know, maybe it's something you go out and buy. If anything, I guess I'm helping to promote the Blade Runner soundtrack.

But, you know, I'm kind of showcasing it for a special reason. And I hope Vangelis isn't upset that I'm telling people about his music so they can go to sleep. But it's magical, it's tranquil, it stirs your imagination. and just laying in bed in the dark and hearing this. Oh, and P.S., it's an amazing soundtrack to give someone a massage to, and if you're so inclined to go to another sensual level, trust me, it is a wonderful soundtrack to go there with, too. Hello!

Got a little naughty at the end. Oh, ho! Charles. Oh, Nelson. Oh, all right. Anyway. All right, let's get to these announcements so I can put some more Vangelis on for you. And you can enjoy that.

So what are we up to? What are we up to here, gang? Let's see. Okay, so let's talk about stand-up comedy coming up. Great stuff going on. This Tuesday, tomorrow night, January 14th, I'm going to be doing a show at Largo, Largo, which is a great kind of alt-stand-up comedy theater in Los Angeles. It's on Las Yenega Boulevard, right by Beverly. And what a show.

It's going to be me, Al Magigal, and Bill Burr slamming it out. And it's kind of a special show, because as I've told you before, My podcast is on a podcast network called All Things Comedy, which I urge you to check out. And Bill Burr and Al and myself are all on this network. And so this is a stand-up comedy show to kind of promote All Things Comedy. And it's going to be great, man. And there's a few other guys and gals on the show. I don't have their names off the top of my head.

But go to All Things Comedy.com, and you can get all the information on the show. I'm going to be tweeting it out as well. So make sure you join my Twitter account at Harland Williams. And you're going to have a blast. That's going to be a great show. So there's that. And then later that same night, if you can't make it to Largo, I'm going to be over at the improv on Hollywood, on Melrose Boulevard in Hollywood, doing a 10 o'clock show over at the improv. So Largo is at 8.30. and the improv is at 10 o'clock.

And then on Thursday, the 16th, I'm going to be doing a show in Las Vealus at another alt kind of theater. It's kind of a funky little room up over the top of a Chinese restaurant, and I don't have the name of it handy. I'm going to find that, and I'll let you know on Thursday. And then January 23rd through the 25th, You can catch me in Atlanta at the improv there.

And then later in February, February 8th, Moncton, New Brunswick, at the Hubcap Comedy Festival. Oh, my God, that's going to be in a huge theater. John Wing Jr. is going to be on the show with me. He was one of the finalists on America's Got Talent this past season. Amazing comedian, good friend of mine. and there you go. Those are the stand-up comedy dates. Again, I urge you to join my YouTube channel.

Subscribe, go to harlornwilliams.com, look for the logo for YouTube, and subscribe to my channel. I'm going to be putting out a lot of original video content this year, and I don't want you to miss it. Starting with the 60-second talk show, yes, I do a talk show that's 60 seconds long, and some of the guests are outrageous. I mean, last week my guest was, I had a,

what did I have? I had a flat screen TV was my guest. And I think this week's guest is a, I'm interviewing a bottle of terriaki sauce. So just some incredible guests on the show. You're going to love it or hate it. I don't know, but check it out. Also, you can check out for Schlang on there, which is my crazy stunt show.

You can see some Harland cartoons on the YouTube channel, original Harlan cartoons. I'm going to be putting up a post-apocalyptic series called The Australian very shortly, which is far from comedy. It's actually a dark look at life after the lights go out for human beings. and these are these are uh this is a series i wrote and direct and uh and produce and uh you know i'm excited to present that to you so a lot of cool stuff coming out on my youtube channel but you won't get it unless you go to harloweems dot com and subscribe and then uh the videos will come to you automatically and you can choose to look at them or not look at them but i don't want you

to miss the boat also um while you're in there check out harlo williams.com the store we've got lots of fun merchandise for you and uh lastly check my stand-up comedy schedule to see if i'm coming to a city or town near you so there you go gang um i'm going to wrap it up here i'm going to play one more song for you this is a beautiful song uh from the blade runner soundtrack um and uh hopefully it's something that uh helps you have a nice long sleep. Uh, so as we fade out, at the end of this, uh, podcast, um, enjoy the beautiful, sleepy sounds of bright blade runner.

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