The Harland Highway - 547 - HARLAND LIVE in an attic, enough with the SORRY!!!

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Harland does a live stand up show in the attic of a Chinese diner, Also when is the SORRY stuff going to stop? Turn my urn!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here I come, walking down the street, got plenty of sun. Wait a man, I'm not walking down a street. I'm rolling, I'm rolling down a highway, the Harland Highway. Hello? This ain't no street. This be a highway, player. Oh, leave back. Hey, everybody, you are, in fact, rolling down the Harland Highway with yours truly.

Me, Harland Williams, your host, your chauffeur, your sexy date to the press. if you will. Great to have you here. I hope your 2014 is off to a roaring, a racious start. And fun show today. We're going to be talking about apologizing. There's way too much apologizing going on out in the world today.

And I've ranted about it before. And I'm going to rant about it a little bit more this time. Not too much, but just enough. Because all the apologizing reminded me of something kind of fun from my childhood that I think might give you a little laugh. Also, a special treat. I'm going to take you live inside a very kind of dingy, dark comedy set where I went and did like a stand-up comedy routine, way off the beaten track, in a very unusual setting. Kind of my workout rant room. Hope you enjoy it.

Let's get going. It's the Harland. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-yo

And as classic I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy

I will kill you Listen late brain Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Hey, I just want to say sorry for this podcast. You know, before we even get started, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry because there's probably going to be something in here that, you know, offend somebody. And I'm not even going to say anything offensive, but because everyone's so eagerly looking. for a reason to make someone apologize for anything nowadays. I'm going to say sorry right now, and I'll say it all the way through the podcast if I have to. Are we sick of people saying sorry yet, everybody? Holy crap. I think I did a podcast on this about a year and a half ago,

and I was like, oh, man, what's with everybody saying sorry? And it's just getting worse and worse and worse. Everybody and their sister is saying sorry publicly on TV, on Twitter, on Facebook, on the news. I mean, good Lord. Who cares? I'm tired of sorry. Sorry doesn't do anything. We live in a world full of dysfunctional people who are constantly making mistakes,

who are too dumb or too stupid to have any type of social filter who don't understand that it's inappropriate to tweet the N-word. Apparently Madonna last week tweeted the N-word, but apparently it was supposed to be in a funny, you know, really cool complimentary fashion you know what

don't be dumb enough to tweet the N word and don't be dumb enough to even say or think the N word what are you thinking there's never a right time to use it why would you want to use it anyways

you know what there's a dictionary with hundreds of thousands of words in it. Can you please choose an alternate word or make something up? You know, even more stupid than all these people having to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for having an opinion. I'm sorry for saying stupid things. I'm sorry for speaking my mind. But what's really frightening to me is these people of people, people of authority, people of position, people of status in life, in society

are so dumb that they're tweeting these things that most kids with good manners knows not to say even in private conversations. So how are all these celebrities so stupid? How are all these politicians and CEOs and, and people of prominence. How are they so stupid that they keep having to apologize? Because, you know, first of all, before you Twitter and tweet and twat,

whoops, sorry. I said twat. Sorry. Sorry. I hope. Whoops, sorry. Just think. Think before you jump, man.

I'm not going to go on about it because it's, I've been on this road before and I know you've heard it and I'm not telling you anything new you know but it reminds me of when I was a kid there was this old sketch that Carol Burnett did and there's a game called Sory and her and her she did a skit where her and her family played sorry and it drove everybody nuts and I think we're living in a world now where we're just playing a giant game of sorry. I was thinking that maybe we ought to have a little fun tonight for change and play a little power game.

Hey, you remember sorry? You remember how we used to sit for hours and play sorry? How why don't we do that? Oh, it's too light. We're already doing that. Every day. Every day someone says sorry. Every day, every minute, every hour.

Some dumb celebrity or some stupid sports figure or some dumb-ass politician or some news broadcaster saying sorry You pick up this little bell and you ring it and you say Sorry Celebrities should have to go right back to where he started see you pick up the bell You go sorry

Sorry Sorry Celebrities should have to wear A bell around their neck or Anyone who's idiotic enough To make a stupid tweet. I'm tired of the apologies.

Can we just have I don't know. Should we just have people ring a bell? It's like when you put a bell on a cat so you know where the cat is. Maybe we know where the idiots are. They just have a bell around their neck ringing all the time. Sorry.

Yeah, man. That's the game we're playing in life. Thanks to social media. It's just a big game of sorry. Okay, I'm not really sorry. Yes, I am. I'm sorry. I said I'm not sorry.

Hey, let's, I want to play you guys something. When I'm kicking around Hollywood and I'm not, you know, I'm not on the road doing my stand-up shows or I'm not at a theater, a comedy venue somewhere. What I like to do is kind of go to these local clubs around Hollywood and work on material. I just kind of throw stuff at the wall. I experiment.

I try concepts that I think are going to be funny. And on this night, I went to some crazy comedy club, way on the east end of Hollywood. and it's kind of like kind of the trendy artsy area and someone was running a comedy club but not it wasn't even a club it was a room up above a Chinese restaurant it was still part of the Chinese restaurant but I guess they had an upstairs area that really wasn't used for much so it was a very small venue I think it only held about a hundred people maybe or 90 people and it was crazy because there weren't even enough chairs

so people were sitting on the floor and in chairs and even the stage, well there wasn't even a stage I was just on the floor and there was a microphone and people were like literally sitting around me at my feet. It was like a hippie love inn. It was wild. And so I don't ever go to these nights

expecting to do real well because I do a lot of new material, a lot of new ideas. I kind of riffed with the crowd, hoping I find ideas. That's how comedians do it. They write, they experiment. And so on this night, I didn't have a particularly great night, and it was a bit weird being upstairs in a Chinese restaurant

where people were eating downstairs. I mean, this place was so crowded. I couldn't even wait in the room and watch the show. I had to go down and sit in the Chinese restaurant and wait until someone came and got me. I could hear the show overhead because the room wasn't closed off. And so I just waited until someone came down and got me. And here I go. I thought I'd share it with it because I think there's a few funny moments in here that I like.

It's not all gold, but I think you'll be the judge. That's comedy. So I thought I'd share it with you, gang. here it is harland williams live last week in the attic of a chinese restaurant here we go this next comic i've probably spent like a good semester of college quoting some of his lines from the movies he was in uh he's a fucking hilarious guy please welcome to harlan williams Okay, gang, thanks for that nice round of applause. Boy, it's nice to be doing comedy with the scent of egg drop soup all around.

Honey, garlic, spare rib, scent of there. There's a guy over there eating some honey-fried cactus sticks. What a treat to be here. Good to see everyone. I went to the pet shop just on the weekend. Last weekend you ever go to the pet shop, anyone here? Petco. You look like a pet co guy. He looked like a pet co guy. I went in with my little niece to grab a puppy. I love puppies. What's your favorite dog, sir? French bulldogs.

You got a flare for the exotic. I went into Petco, and they didn't have puppies. It was a bizarre guy. They had a fish tank full of rats. And my little niece wanted a rat. And I'm like, boy, there's a wonderful pet to have around the house. You know, a golden tooth rodent, you know, spread the bubonic plague and wiped out most of Europe in the, you know, 13th century gang. You want to Google that.

That century is pretty accurate. You know, these things that were host of fleece or that carried a horrible disease. They called it the Black Death. Were you aware of that, young fellow? Yeah. Well, you don't have to laugh. Billions died. Millions of people died in 14th century Europe.

And we got a crazy nut up here laughing. here laughing that they died. With the smell of bamboo terriaki chicken in there. Up here, pretending we're all flowers in the attic. So we didn't get the rat, certainly attention on a show. Didn't get the rat, but we went around the corner, my sinister friend. And what we saw next, man, was a scorpion. This pet shop, for some reason, was selling scorpions.

And, you know, pet shops are primarily for kids, folks. And here I am thinking, holy smokes. Holy, you know, food court delicious crab dip from a seafood stand. You know, what's the deal behind the scorpion? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, what do you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, childproofing your house? Let's get Billy a black African scorpion with a poison dart sticking out of his arse. Okay, you didn't like that one. How about this?

I went around another corner with this pet shop guy. You're going to like this because I knew you like shakes. You're on another corner, and there's a fish tank with snakes in it, like snakes. And I'm thinking, wow, what a treat here. I mean, let's not let Billy play with the Lego because it's a choking hazard. Why do we get Billy a 14-foot-long, you know, Burmese Python? I'll let him wrap that around his neck when he's watching, you know, Rogers Romperoom. And then the problem with getting him back.

12-foot Burmese python, ma'am. You know this. Then you've got to start buying gazelles. Well, I didn't really want you to laugh like that. It's throwing me off. You're a guy leaving. Are you sensitive about? You're sitting down.

Okay. So then you've got to buy gazelles to feed the damn snakes because you know you're going to run out of kids real quick. Okay? I'm telling you're mocking me, sir. I'm pretty sure that guy's mocking me all right. I haven't in a big mock, but somehow I enjoy it. You're mocking laugh.

I'd like to have you come over when I'm showering. I stand just outside the door and laugh at my gnarled penis caught a lawn more propeller when I was 14 and bent and scarred. See? He wants to laugh of my gnarled, fucking landmine penis. He's a plant. That's my, he's my guy. I brought him in here. Say hello to Eddie. I don't know if any of you can see through my shirt. shirt, but underneath this shirt, ma'am, I have a star

of David. Are you familiar with that? Are you Jewish, ma'am? Um, no. You weren't sure, though. There was a moment from it. Who are you? And do you want

to see my gnarled Peter? Any Jewish people here, let's be honest, where are you? Are you a Jewish guy? What's your last name? Is it a traditional Jewish name? It's Wolfson. Wolfson? It's a little unusual.

That is weird. I like it as the word wolf in it, though. You know, I have some gazelle at my house. I come over and feast. Did you wear a star, David? No, I don't. I wear it in my heart. In your heart?

Oh, that's nice. I'd be really weird a few. Someone took an x-ray of you. Fucking your heart had points on it. I'm not Jewish. But I wear a star David. Does that make you mad? Here's why I do it.

Because the Jews were a persecuted people, so you've kind of got to be on your guard all the time, subconsciously in the back of your head, right? Sure. So the star of David is no mistake. I figured out that it's actually like a ninja star. So I wear a star of David whenever I travel in case shit go down. On Southwet Ella, I just get that thing out and whack, huh?

Hit someone right in the esophagus with a star of David, huh? You're the only one laughing. It's funny, right? These people were Jewish. Fuck even that guy would be going on. That's how I know me and you are the only Jews in the room. Ma'am, you're sitting beside me? Do you enjoy my milky thighs? I'm just going to have some fun topics for you guys tonight.

Oh yeah, here we go. What I want to do is switch gears for a second gang. for a second gang and have someone in the audience pick a topic. Because this has been all me, this is selfish. I stand up here, bathed in the reek of sesame chicken. Anybody want to throw out a topic for me to do a joke about? What is your trouble? I heard pizza though.

But you're running the show. You're not allowed, because you know pizza is a, it's a... It's got to be from some of the locals from up in the hills here. Family. What? Your family. My family. There you go, man.

My family, which are human beings, like you, who believe in the existence of a greater force, maybe God, maybe an energy, right? and that God, that energy, created the cosmos. The cosmos, which goes on for infinity, that none of us in this room are able to comprehend. So therefore, ma'am, thanks to that topic, I can't do a joke. Let's get to people. pizza. Is that the light? You're holding up the light?

How much time do I have, like, technically? Like three or five minutes. How long? Three or five minutes. Three or five? My dealer's choice? Okay. Okay. Anybody here, like, nature shows? Guy, you're all dressed up like Paul Bunyan's stars, your old brother, Eddie? What's your favorite? animal out in the world. No, no, not a domestic animal. I need a wild...

Is this loud enough, man? Because you were looking at me like you just saw a little koala wandering through the eucalyptus with fucking leprosy on its body. Guy, what's your favorite wild animal? Raccoons. Why? And I think I already know the answer. Because what? They're hilarious. They're hilarious. In other words, you're saying you'd rather be standing in front of a dumpster right now instead of watching me because I'm just funny raccoons are fucking hilarious well you really know how to hurt a guy I love nature shows my friends sitting all alone with you I just bought a new shovel at home depot look in your arms

I'm watching a nature show the other day so sir, okay? One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. A bald eagle, gliding over the surface of a lake. Okay? A bald eagle, sir. All right.

It wasn't completely bald. It was like a comb over eagle. Flying over the surface of a lake. Gets its big yellow hands out, right? Big talons. Wham. Pulls a salmon. right out of the water.

That's right, Salman. Salman has a silent L, ladies and gentlemen. I know that, because I learned that in school. Pulls the salmon up out of the water, and I thought, man, I want that moment. I want that moment for me. So here's what I did. I drove up to a lake, little fella.

I rented myself a hang glider. I stopped in at 7-Eleven. I bought myself a bag of bugles. I put one of those little witch hands. on each finger. I glided over the surface of that lake. Wham! I didn't get a salmon.

But lucky for me, there was a little Korean kid kayaking. Great in the fucking eyes. Brought them on the house of pies over there. What do I got? About five? All right. I'm going to end it up, folks.

want to say this. It's a new year, 2014, and coincidentally, the dinner number 14 downstairs is out of this fucking wall. God bless you. Thank you so very much. Thank you. Okay. Okay. So there it is. There it is. As you can hear, not the best night for me. But, you know, I do it by design. You know, when I go into a town or a city and I'm like the headliner and I have to do an hour-long show, I crank the energy up to like a 10, an 11 out of 10, man. I just, I bring it. You know what I mean? but when I do these shows I purposely kind of tone the energy down to like two or three

and I know it seems counterproductive or counterintuitive but I kind of I kind of go up there in a real low key mode and I kind of present the material

at the lowest kind of octane if you know what I mean and that way I don't feel any pressure I'm not performing, I'm not making facial expressions, I'm not moving around stage. If you watch me at the real clubs, I shouldn't say the real clubs, but when you watch me at a big, you know, A-list headliner club or at a theater, man, I'm moving every muscle of my body, I'm moving around the stage, I'm raising my voice, I'm making facial expressions, my arms are flailing, my legs are gone.

When I do these nights, I literally just stand there motionless at the microphone, and I just kind of keep the energy like right about here you know i keep it very just kind of you know inside and kind of just you know you know what i mean and the reason i do that is it's kind of a technique i use where i throw out new material and i go if they're laughing at it at this level right here like down here and and something's clicking i go okay i got something there and then i can build on it and build on it and then when I think it's ready I'll throw it up when I do you know one of the big hour-long shows that I do but I find it kind of neat to to work on a real low level and see if I get a bump out of people and and also by not raising the energy

and not adding showmanship to the performance it's just about the words at that point They're not laughing at my demeanor. They're not laughing at my energy. They're not laughing at my physicality. It's all about just, what are the words? And I go to myself, if the words can elicit laughter, then it's only going to get better as I start to layer it with physicality, with facial expressions,

with energy, with movement, with life, yada, yada, yada. So there you go. A little peek behind the curtain, if you're interested. I don't know if you are, but if you're not, at least hopefully you got some laughs out of there somewhere. Again, I just thought it was really funny that I was up in the rafters of a Chinese restaurant. That's the beauty of comedy, man. You just, you know, you just end up in the weirdest places doing the weirdest things. So if you guys that go to a cubicle every day or an office, you know,

Take comfort in that. At least you're not standing in the attic of a Chinese restaurant with fish tanks bubbling down below you. All right, well, that kind of brings us to the end of the show. Kind of a little special treat there. I hope you enjoyed it, folks. And speaking on my stand-up comedy at Full Tilt, yes, at Full Tilt, check me out this weekend in Atlanta.

Atlanta, Georgia at the improv, I'll be there Thursday through Saturday, January 23rd through the 25th. It's going to be a really good time. And then two weeks after that, February 8th, I will be in Moncton, New Brunswick, up in Canada, in the Maritime Province of New Brunswick, doing the Hubcap Comedy Festival on Saturday, the 8th. It's going to be a great show at a great big, giant theater. I will not be performing at the level I did at the Chinese restaurant, trust me. And also I'm going to be working there with a real good guy, a good friend of mine, a guy named John Wing Jr.,

who was one of the finalists on America's Got Talent this last season. And then later in February, mid-February, February 13th to the 16th, you can catch me at the Ontario Improv, not Ontario Canada, Ontario, California It's a city just outside of Los Angeles And all these shows Please go to Harlandwilliams.com And you can get your tickets there

Also you're at Harlem Williams.com Please hit the subscribe button To my YouTube channel As I said And have been saying I'm putting out a lot of wacky videos That I've written and produced And act in and blah blah blah

And they're really just to entertain you Hopefully you'll find them kind of kind of kooky and funny. But you can't see them unless you click the subscribe button, including there's a new show I've got out called The 60 Second Talk Show. And wait to you see my guest this week. My guest this week is President Barack Obama, okay? So that's a big show.

The 60, I'm interviewing them for 60 seconds. Make sure you tune in. But you have to hit subscribe. And there will be all kinds of other great videos showing up throughout the year, all for you to enjoy. So there you go, gang. You can always write me at Harlan Williams.com. Or if you want to leave a voicemail, you might even get on the podcast. All you got to do is dial 323-739-43.

That's 3-2-3-739-43. It's just a voicemail. you won't have to talk to anyone, and you can leave a message. And if I like it, I'll throw it on the air, baby. So, again, I'm sorry. There's the bell. I'm sorry for this whole podcast. I'm sorry for living.

I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry for everything. But there's one thing I'm not sorry for. And that is, until next time, Chicken, Chalming. Baby? Sorry.