The Harland Highway - 548 - LESBIAN BONER, Drive Thru madness, beer can idiocy.

Episode Date: January 23, 2014

Harland has a confusing run in with a lesbian, Harland goes thru the drive thru LIVE, and lastly, what is with the way we drink beer? Enough already! Boob my lube!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a night, sweet September. It's not night time. You don't know that it's nighttime. People can be listening in the day, so stop singing about night. Nothing worse than scolding myself at the beginning of the podcast, but sometimes I have to. Today we are talking about some very good things. Harland, me, is going to go on a little take you on a trip through the drive-thru. I'm going to be going through the Wendy's drive-thru for you, so that should be a lot of fun. Also, we're going to be talking about I got hoodwinked.

I got duped by a lesbian. I pulled a lesbian boner, and wait to hear what went down with the whole lesbian boner thing. It's pretty funny. It's pretty interesting. And then later on in the show, I'm going to give a verbal lashing to these innovative people at the beer companies who keep reinventing the opening in which the beer comes out and goes into your mouth. It is like enough already, okay, with your stupid openings.

Here's something you can stick in your openings. And you know what it is? It's this podcast. It's the one, the only, Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway

Hey-o And there's glasses I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth You need many years of therapy Many, many, many fucking years of therapy

I will kill you Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. Who made for Hollywood? Let's only football on the Hollywood.

We're in the office for your young companion. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Can I just say this right out of the gate, gang? I've pulled a giant lesbian boner. what's with the silence i pulled a giant lesbian boner i don't mean boner like what you're thinking you sickoids come on boner let me look up the the dictionary the dictionary says boner noun one an informal stupid mistake two vulgar slang an erection of the penis okay

I pulled the first one, although most of us have probably pulled the second one. But in this case, I pulled a lesbian boner, number one, informal, stupid mistake. Let me tell you how I pulled a lesbian boner. Oh, God, what a world. So here's the deal. There's this new movie I'll call Ride Along. And so a buddy of mine is that. the writer of Ride Along.

He wrote a movie I did called Sorority Boys. He directed a movie that I was in called Employer the Month. And believe it or not, I'm talking 10 years ago, 10 years ago, him and a producer from New Line sat down with me, and this was a movie that originally they were talking about me and Will Ferrell doing. Now, these were preliminary discussions. We had some lunch meetings. We had some creative meetings.

When I say we, I mean, me and this writer and the guy from New Line, Will was not involved at that time, but he was the other individual that they were looking at for this. And boy, oh boy, that would have been fun. But that being the case, many of you might not know this, but in Holly Weird, scripts are like corpses coming back from the dead. They're like zombies. If you were to track the history of every script in Hollywood, you would see that many of them get pitched and they get written,

and then they sit on the shelf for 10, 12, 15, 20 years, and then someone pulls them out and goes, oh, I like this. It's the most frustrating, annoying process on planet Earth. Instead of someone just looking at a writer's idea and going, I get it, this is funny. let's make it. For some reason, it works in Hollywood where nobody jumps out of the gate and goes, what a great idea, let's do it.

They put crap on the shelf, they waste time, they delay, they. So anyways, this writer friend of mine came up with, and his name's Greg Coolidge, by the way, if you're interested in looking at the rest of his credits, he came up with this idea 10, 11, 12 years ago. And, you know, let's be honest, back in those days, I had a little more heat doing the movies. You know, you get a little older, you don't have as much heat. I mean, Will Ferrell does.

I didn't get quite the heat that he got, but, you know, I'm doing okay. God, I don't think many people have the heat Will Ferrell has, but in any case, My point is that I went to, I got invited to the premiere, which was at the big Chinese theater. You know, the famous theater in Los Angeles with the footprints out front, the concrete footprints, Marilyn Monroe and Jack Nicholson, and, you know, they're all there. Humphrey Bogart. It's quite a historic Hollywood place. It's probably, you know, the premier historical.

Hollywood place. When people come to Hollywood, they want to see the man's Chinese theater. And it is a great theater. It's great to be there, great to go there. It's really got that feeling to it that not many places in Hollywood. Well, that's not too. But it really does have that old nostalgic Hollywood feeling. So it was exciting. I got my ticket. I go there. And, you know, I'm walking up the red carpet and getting ready to go into the theater. And all of a sudden, I bump into a producer buddy of mine. It's a guy I haven't seen in a couple of years,

and I'm like, oh, hey, buddy, hey, how you doing? And he goes, oh, hey, how you doing, Harlan? Great to see you. Hey, listen, my daughter's here somewhere, and she loves you, and she wants to say hi. And I said, absolutely. So I turn around. I start talking to some other people, you know,

because I'm Mr. Social. Mr. Hollywood. Oh, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So I got to forget about him for a few minutes, and then all of a sudden I get a tap on my shoulder. There he is, hey, my daughter's here, hey, and I turn around, and here is this beautiful woman.

I'm talking. This girl was like a 10 out of 10, okay? And I think she was about maybe 20. between 25 and 27 maybe. I'm just guessing, but it looked like that's what she was, her age range was. She was in a tight black dress, long, long, dark, shiny hair, big red lipstick.

I mean, this girl was gorgeous, okay? And I give her a great big hug and la-a-la-a-lada, great to see you, blah, blah, blah. and she turns and there's this person standing beside her who has very short, short hair, kind of like if Conan O'Brien's hair was like 20% shorter. Okay, it was like kind of buzzed over the ears but still had the big kind of quoth

and it was red like Conan O'Brien's and blue eyes and this person had kind of a very similar feeling. face to Conan O'Brien, but more boyish. Okay, the person was younger and kind of a real boyish, looks strong jawline. And this person was wearing like a kind of baggy, blue checkered shirt and kind of loose jeans and boots. And this beautiful girl I'm hugging turns and goes, oh, hey, I'd like you to meet. And I go, oh, is this your boyfriend? And she looks at me and she smiles, she goes,

uh, my girlfriend. And I'm like, what the hell? I, I mean, I almost thought it was a joke at first. I'm looking at this, this girl, I guess. And I'm going, there's no way. And, uh, she's like, yeah, it's my girlfriend. And then the girlfriend shakes my hand and's like, hi, I'm Charlize her. I don't even know the name.

And I'm like, Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, so here I am, and I'm like, oh, oh, wow. Okay, so you're, okay, hey, I hope I didn't offend you, but I thought you were a guy, obviously. And everyone was kind of smirking and smiling a little bit. Nobody really got upset. Now, I can't tell you how they felt inside.

But here's the deal. You're going to say, well, Harlan, did you feel bad? did you feel embarrassed and the answer is no not one bit i mean it was a little awkward but i didn't feel bad because you know this this girl it looked to me like she did everything in her power to look like a male okay the the haircut was definitely a a male haircut it was a boy's style haircut no if fans are butts about it i've been around women my whole life it's rare you see see a woman get her hair cut the way that this girl had cut her hair okay so that's number one full-on boy cut all right two this boy cut made her look like a boy because she already had kind

of a boyish face like a she looked like a young like 22-year-old farm boy and a good looking kid but uh looked nonetheless like a boy and this haircut did nothing but accentuate the boyish looks okay then you cut down to the shirt everyone else was kind of dressed up nicely it's a premiere and this this girl had kind of a grungy it wasn't a sloppy or messy shirt but it was kind of a baggy shirt that looked kind of like a country farm boy would wear it's kind of blue and white checkered small little checkers and like baggy jeans like they just got off a tractor and kind of like work boots and obviously this shirt was baggy enough where there was no chest definition okay there was no lumps bumps mumps or grumps you know there was no none of this uh my lady lovely

lady lumps it was as flat as uh you know a uh a fat guy's face pressed against a uh a mcdonald's window You know what I mean? It's just like completely, you know, ambiguous. So although it was a little awkward that I called this girl the boyfriend, at the same time, I was like, I'm not going to feel bad about this. This chick did everything in her power. It's almost like Halloween.

Like if someone said, I'm going to go out dressed as a boy. What do I need? Let's see, I better cut my hair like a boy. I'll dress like a boy. I won't wear any makeup. I'll look exactly like a boy. And guess what, sister, you pulled it off. You got me.

Like, even when you told me you were a girl, I still couldn't believe it. Like, I was looking up and down, and I was like, I was more shocked about having to believe that it was actually a girl than I was about, you know, kind of the discomfort of saying calling a girl a boy but anyway so this this girl the lesbian girlfriend kind of had a little bit of a smirk on her face kind of like i got the sense that she was amused by it and then it happened a lot and it had to have happened a lot because i'm a pretty perceptive guy and boy oh boy did she get me now here's the other part and and and this is where I get mad at gay people, okay?

You know, do whatever you want. But this is me being selfish, and I think a lot of people. Okay, like I said, this girl was beautiful. My friend's daughter was like a stunner. Like, I was like, wow. Oh, oh, blessed me to be able to take that girl out on a date, right? And so I've talked to girls about this. I've talked about other guys about this.

It's like, great, you're gay, whoopi do. But you know how mad it makes us straight guys and straight girls? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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mean, when we see a beautiful girl and we know she's off the market because she's going out with another girl, okay, we get it, that's your sexual orientation. Good for you. Have at it, but oh, God, why? Why? And I've talked to girls, and it's no secret, a lot of good-looking men are gay. And I've talked to girls and they say it drives them nuts. It's like they meet a gorgeous dude and find out he's gay. And they're like, are you kidding me? That chunk of meat, that 10 out of 10 dude with the perfect body and the tall, statuous, damn it, why did he have to be gay?

And there's guys that think the same thing, man. And there's nothing you can do about it. Gay people are gay, straight people are straight, but there's no reason there can't be envy. and I'll tell you what, it works the other way. I'm sure there's gay guys and gay girls going, oh, I wish that guy was gay. Oh, God, do I want to? Oh, no, oh, Charles.

Right? Like, you don't think Ellen DeGeneres looks at, you know, Angelina Jolie and goes, oh, God, do I want those torpedoes in my mouth? I mean, it works all ways. That's just human desire. But anyway, so that was it. That was my story on the big red carpet.

I pulled a big lesbian boner. And it won't be the last time if you know what I mean. Hello. Oh, oh. Speaking of Hollywood, I was out motoring around the other day, and I got a fix. I got a fix for a frosty. How many of you love the old Wendy's chocolate frosty, huh? Aren't they the best things in the world?

Every now and then you've got to go get a frosty. And now I've put the seed in your head. How many of you are like, man, I want a frosty? I'm going to bet that within the next three days a bunch of you go and get a frosty because you probably haven't had one for a while and you're like, I kind of forgot about those but I could really go for a chocolate frosty.

Visualize it right now. That big, thick glob of chocolate. Nice and cold and multi-flavored and you get the spoon and you shovel it in your mouth and you're like, mm, like whatever you're doing right now Are you sitting at your desk? Are you laying in bed?

Are you jogging? Especially if you're working out. I want you to picture that frosty. Oh, man. Are you pissed off? Picture that big, fat, delicious frosty right now. No matter what you're doing right now, wouldn't you much rather be doing it with a frosty in your hand?

We're just getting a chest. Chocolatey, Frosty. Oh, I'm driving you crazy. You're going to go get one. A bunch of you are going to do it. Admit it. Admit it. And I want you to tell me.

I want you to admit it. You've got to write me at harlownwilms.com. Or you've got to call me at our voice message machine and tell me 323-739-4330. I want to hear about you giving in to the Frosty. 323-739, 43330. Anyways, I had a frosty fix, and I went through the drive-thru, and I thought, you know, I'm going to have a little fun. So I put on this real effeminate voice, just this real effeminate kind of sassy voice. And I went through the drive-thru with a friend and ordered up some frosties.

Yeah, I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot. I had a little fun, but maybe it'll entertain you. Check it out. Harlan gets a frosty. Hi. Hi. Hello?

Yes, my second order? Yes, could I get a chocolatey frosty please? Can I get a medium chocolate? Are they really, like, what do they like? It's ice cream. It's full of ice cream. Yes, yes, aspirin. Oh, I could use an aspirin. I've got a headache.

Okay, give me a medium chocolate frosty. Okay, anything else? Hang on, my friend wants one. Can you hold on just a second? Okay. I'm just gonna ask her, is that okay? Okay, let me know you're ready. Okay, I'll be right back with you.

Hang on. What would you like? Small chocolate frosty. And could I get one small chocolate frosty, please? Okay, anything else? Hang on, just a sec. Okay. In a cone, the small one in a cone.

Okay, so you want a medium cup and then a waffle cone, right? Yes, a waffle cone. Do you have pancake cones too? No. Just waffle? Yes, anything else there? That'll do it. I'll see you in just two shakes of a twinkle, okay? Good to see. Thank you. Thank you so much.

God, she hates me. Hi, how are you? How are you? Dang. Oh, is that the waffle cone? Oh my god, I love it. Thank you. Let me get my wallet out, doll. Oh my god, that waffle cone looks fantastic.

Oh, here we go. American Express? Okay, here you go. Thank you. Oh, exciting. Can I get a spoon, too? Oh. Jeez.

Can I get one extra spoon, Love Bug? My friend likes to spoon it out of the waffle cone. Thanks, Love Bug. See you real soon. We'll be back soon. Tata to Teele-Tot. Oh, my God. She's dead to the world.

It's so wrong. It's really right. Oh, God. What a jackass I am. I am just a hundred percent jackass. You know what? I went in earlier into the dictionary to look up Boner. Now I'm going to go into the dictionary and look up jackass and see if my.

names there. Let me see. Jackass. Oh my god. Here we go. I regret this already. Jackass. noun. One, a stupid person. Yep, that's me. And then two, a male ass or donkey. Yeah, that's me too. Oh, well, you got to have fun, right? And at the end of it, I got to have. I got to have fun. I got to Out of chocolate. Frosty. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. And speaking of drinks, can we just stop with the redesigning of the retarded beer bottles and beer cans? I mean, is this how dumb we are as a human race that we're mesmerized, were enchanted by the way in which a beer goes into our mouths.

I mean, good Lord. Oh, what, they made a wider rim. They made a vortex bottle. They made the new pop top. They made the new spout. I mean, what's the big new innovation? And now our beer comes in a dog dish. You can lay down on the floor and lay down.

Lapped your beer like a baby basset hound. Yes, it's the new Budweiser Light doggie dish. If you can't get beer in your body fast enough and become a dumb drunk, try our new doggy dip. You can now pour beer right into your toilet and drinking right out of your toilet. Flush. I mean, listen to this stupid commercial. Some beer bottle won an award for a vortex inside of it. Do you know what a vortex is?

You know what? Let's pull up the dictionary. This is like the dictionary show. Let's pull up the vortex. Here we go, vortex. A mass of whirling fluid or air. especially a whirlpool or a whirlwind. Okay, so when you drink your beer,

do you need a whirling motion? Do you need your beer to be swirling around? Do you need a whirlpool in your mouth? What the hell are they talking about? And yet here we go. Somehow this managed to bedazzle consumers. It's literally like jingling car keys in front of a monkey. You know, look at the shiny stuff.

Jingle, jingle, jingle. Take a listen to this commercial. It'll blow your mind. Like a whirlwind, a stunning example of OI Innovation has hit the U.S. market. The new Miller Light Vortex bottle features internal embossing in a spiral swirling pattern. This new twist on the standard 12-ounce glass beer bottle creates marketplace differentiation and provides consumers with a unique drinking experience. On behalf of Miller Coors, oh, I would like to thank GPI for awarding the Miller-like vortex bottle

for this Clear Choice Award. I think we can all agree that the unique design of the vortex bottle has clearly been a market differentiator, especially with its never seen before internal grooves. Again, I would like to thank GPI for this Clear Choice Award. Cheers. Congratulations to the 2010 Clear Choice Awards winners. What? An award?

Okay, let's discuss a vortex. A vortex in nature is dangerous. A vortex in a whirlpool or a wind funnel or I believe a tornado at its core is a type of vortex. You're talking about a strong, powerful force that causes things to churn around in a circular motion. Okay. Now, let's look at the beer bottle. Okay, the neck of a beer bottle is about three inches long, maybe, two and a half inches. And they go to all the trouble.

It probably costs them a fortune to cause these little, I don't know, perforations inside the neck of the beer bottle in the glass. and you got to go, how much does a mouthful of beer vortex when it's passing through two and a half three inches of, like, goofy glass? Like, are you kidding me? What? It picks up enough momentum that just it's swirling around. And when it gets in your mouth, it's swirling around. Oh, I don't need to brush my teeth, man.

I got the vortex. Yeah, I just drink four gulps of beer before bed And it comes swirling out And just swirls around in my teeth And takes all the green slime off them that's growing there Because I'm a redneck dumbass That's like, good night, Nellie Frittato You're not getting any vortex

And second of all, whoever thought of a vortex Is anyone listening, drinking, going, you know I just wish drinking was more fun. I wish I could drink a glass of milk or a Coke or a beer and it would just swirl around, swirl around into my mouth like I was caught drowning in a whirlpool or I was, you know, like the Wicked Witch of the West. I was spinning around in the tornado and the Wizard of Oz.

That's how I need my mouth to feel when I swallow a beer. because I'm a dumbass. Holy God. So congratulations on your award. First of all, it scares me that there's an awards program for this kind of stupidity. And then secondly, like, you know, if you're one of these people out there

that gets duped by this crap, please do me a favor. Grab the hair on the back of your head and quickly smash you. your face into a brick wall. Okay? I mean, good night. Nelly Frottado.

How about a dumbass award? And here's the thing, that the vortexing has nothing to do with it. As I'm sure you know, it doesn't change the way the liquid is transported into your mouth. What it is, it's a gimmick that has nothing. to do with the quality of the beer, the taste of the beer, the enjoyment of the beer. It's like a silly gimmick to try and get your attention. It's like designing a car and going, hey, look, we put three headlights on the front instead of two. Now the third headlight serves no function, but we got your attention and we tricked you.

Boy, oh, boy, man. I got to say it's outright insulting. I'm insolting. I'm incensed. It's like, come on. You've got to be smarter than that, man. Anyways, enjoy your friggin beer, and I hope you don't bump into any of the flying monkeys

from the Wizard of Oz. Well, you're drunk. for us and bring me that girl and her dog. Do what you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed. They'll give you no trouble, I promise you that. I've sent a little insect on the head to take the fight out of them.

Take special care of those ruby sickers. I want those most of all. Now fly! Fly! Fly, my pretties. Fly! Well, we got to fly out of here. We are at the end of the show.

We were vortexing right out of the end of the show here. All right, so there you go. What a show. What a nutty world we live in. But if you want more nuttiness, here come the announcements. Come check me out in Atlanta. At the Atlanta Improv. I'll be there starting tonight.

This is Thursday, January 23rd. And I'll be there through Saturday, January 25th. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday night at the Atlanta Improv, man. Come and check that out. It's going to be a real good time. And then starting in February, early February 8, you can see me in New Brunswick. Moncton, New Brunswick, on the east coast of Canada at the Hubcap Comedy Festival. and mid-February

February 13th through the 16th I'm at the Ontario California Improv So please come and check those dates out And you can go to my website Harlan Williams.com and get all the information Just click on the stand-up comedy tour schedule And you can actually get your link

And go right to the web pages of these clubs and book your tickets. And while you're there, be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel. Just click on the subscribe button at the bottom of the web page. And you'll get all my latest wacky videos, which we've been doing a lot of. And I don't want you to miss out on those. They will be coming to you if you subscribe. And while you're there, check out the store, harlornwilliams.com,

where you can buy all your Harland Williams merchandise, You know, artwork, t-shirts, DVDs, CDs, all kinds of stuff. Check it out. And also check out all things comedy. That's atc.com. That is the podcast network where you can find the Harland Highway, along with many other funny podcasts, Bill Burr, Jake Johansson, Al Magigal, people like that. Please go and take a look around and subscribe to.

some of those and that is it ladies and snartle blargins uh we are out of here hope you had a great time we'll see you next time on the harland highway and until then vortex a big bowl of chicken chowmaine right down your throat chicken chowmaine baby