The Harland Highway - 549 SENIOR FUENTES invades again, CHARITY questions.

Episode Date: January 27, 2014

Harland's annoying gardener Senior Fuentes invades the studio, is charity sometimes a bad thing? And a nice phone call from a NEW Pavement Pounder. Crab trap my trap flap! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Holiday. Okay, I'm not Madonna, although I am keeping the baby. Hey, everybody, it's Harlem Williams. That's who it is. And you are riding down the Harland Highway. How are you?

How are you? How are you? Today we're going to talk about some interesting things. We're going to talk about a crazy phone habit that all of us have, that you might not even know you have. I'm going to expose it, and you will blush like a little baby. because you'll be like, oh, my God, I do that. And we're going to discuss cell phones versus home phones.

Also, a really nice phone call coming in today from one of the pavement pounders, a new pavement pounder. A really kind phone call that I want you guys to hear. Put a smile on my face. And he had some kind of cool ideas for the show that we'll talk about. Also, we're going to be talking about charity. Charity, charity, charity. Can it be a bad thing sometimes?

Can it send the wrong message sometimes? Can it be wrong to be charitable at certain times? I'm going to tell you about something I stumbled across that makes me ask the question. And then, of course, later in the show, I'm not happy about this. Senor Fuentes, my gardener, is coming by. Who knows what that idiot wants?

Oh, well, what can you do? This is the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-o And it's classic

I will find you My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you

Listen, lame brain. Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. All right, it's dilemma time. It's you're standing at the crossroads, and you're deciding what is the right thing to do.

And here's what I'm talking about, okay? And this could be a toughie. But let's see what you guys think. I'm over at this great restaurant the other. day. I really like it. It's this place called Panera bread or Pantera bread or Pandora's box of bread, the bread box. It's a chain. They're all over the country. I think it's called Panera bread or something. I know somebody's going to correct me, and I know that someone lives in Western Canada, probably. But for now, let's just say it's Panera bread. Okay?

And it's a great place. I like to go there. You can grab a nice fresh salad. You can grab a nice sandwich. You can grab baked goods. I mean, they have fresh squished lemonade. I mean, it's really a nice place. It's good quality food.

I really like it. And one of the things they do that I like is they give a lot of their profits to charity. But here's something that through a curveball, all in my face the other day. I went to Pantera or Pantera bread or whatever it is. I ordered my food and then, like a good little sheep, I went to, you know, the little waiting area where you're supposed to get, you know, you pick up your order.

And there's a big plaque on the wall right there. And it says Panera bread has donated $5 million. this year to charity. And part of me was like, oh, man, good for them. Good for Panera bread. Way to go, guys. But then I started looking at the people behind the counter working away, and I realized, you know,

when you're working at a place called Panera bread making sandwiches and ladling soup, Chances are you're not getting into the six-figure digits with your paychecks. Okay, chances are you might be hovering around minimum wage. I could be wrong, but even if you're not, I can't imagine that the good folks, the good hardworking folks, I'm not denigrating the employees there. I think they're great.

But what I'm saying is, you know, you're probably not making a ton of money. okay let's be honest and you come in every day and let's say you make eight bucks an hour let's say you make 12 bucks an hour let's say you make 15 bucks an hour I don't know either way after taxes and cost of living and gas in the car

you're not going home with a lot your yearly nut isn't a lot okay and then I got to ask how do you feel you walk in and the place that employs you as a giant sign-up that says, you know, out of all our profits we made, we just handed $5 million to charities,

whether it be a soup kitchen or a cancer house or a feed-the-starving walruses. I don't know what the charities are. but I kind of put myself in the shoes of the Pandera-Bred employees, and all of a sudden I got a little itch under my collar. I was like, okay, great. I'm so glad that we got a few homeless people off the street. Now, I'm making $28,000 a year.

I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment, and I can't get a new radiator. belt for my 1974 Prius, I'm real glad you gave $5 million away. You know where I'm going with this? So at what point do you go, hey, hey, hey, wait a charity's a good thing. It's great to give charity. But when you're handing off $5 million, and your employees are only make an X amount of money?

I don't know. Here's where I hit the crossroads, guys. I'm like, do you give that money? Do you divvy up that $5 million and give your employees a little more to live to have a good life and say, hey, if you guys want to donate some of your salary to charity, we're giving the extra money to you. And if you find it in your heart to give some of that to charity, so be it. Or do you keep your employees at kind of a base salary

and just start throwing money off to everyone willing to, hey, here's someone for the, here's something for the war vets, here's something for the blind, here's something for the elephants on the elephant plantation and Bengali, here's something for parachutists that forgot to pull the rip cord, here's something for the rare seaweed owl, that lives in the water.

And, you know, we all love charity. We all give to charity. But I don't know. Do you think Panera bread should kind of do that on the sly behind everyone's back? Like, you know, give that $5 million but not tell everyone? Is that sign rubbing it in the faces of the employees a little bit? Or, and here's where we're at the cross, you just go, hey, screw it. I'm glad they're giving $5 million.

that's very generous that's great that's charity good for them i don't know i don't know this is the question here this is the big this is a brand new i'm a panera bread making a charity sandwich i'm slapping down a piece of a whole wheat five grain bread i'm slapping on an employee that makes 23 grand a year i'm putting a piece of cheese or over that person. I'm slapping down $5 million. I'm putting a pickle and a tomato on that. And then I'm putting a big question mark

over the pickle and tomato, putting mayonnaise on the question mark, and then slapping another piece of Panera five-grain, whole wheat, wonder bread on top and slamming a giant toothpick right down the middle to hold it together. That's what I'm doing. So what do you think, gang?

What do you think? I don't know. I'm going to throw it to you guys. It's a toughie. It's a toughie. And I'll leave it right there. Enjoy your Panera bread sandwich. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.

Hello? Hello? Hey there, Mr. Highway. I just wanted to say that, I was never really a fan of you. I mean, I thought you were funny in all, your movie roles, but I never really knew you did stand-up comedy or had a podcast or anything. So I heard you on the Brian Callen Show a few days ago,

and I thought you were just fucking hilarious. So I ventured out, found your podcast, and I got to say, man, thank you for inviting me up my day. I just came back from a holiday in Vietnam, and I've been jet-lagged for, like, three days. And the only thing that's keeping me sane at night is listening to your podcast. So thank you, and just keep making funny shit, man. like when you talk about current issues.

That Dennis Rahman shit the other day, that was hilarious. And I totally agree with all your points. And I also just heard the first part of the Jim Carrey interview. Funny shit. I love your interview questions and how a lot of them are just, like, silly and not serious. It makes for, you know, great improv. So, all right, have a great 2014. And I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

And, oh, by the way, try to get Bill Burr on your podcast. That would be hilarious. I mean, take care. Peace. Well, how about that, man? Thank you for, what a kind, nice phone message. That gentleman didn't leave a name, but he sure did leave me with a big smile on my face.

Some very, very kind words. And thank you so very much, my friend. I'm glad you found my podcast, and you found my stand-up comedy and everything else you mentioned. You know, it's interesting with me. It's been a bit of a weird thing throughout my career because I started in stand-up comedy. And, you know, I'm a guy who's had an HBO comedy special.

I've had three or four or five Comedy Central specials. I've had numerous other specials. I've been on Letterman five times. I've been on Conan 30 times. I've been on the Tonight Show 20 times. And it's amazing to me the amount of people that don't know that I do stand-up comedy. A lot of people just think I'm an actor. And they don't realize that I've been doing stand-up comedy way longer than I've been doing acting.

I got into the acting game late. I didn't get into acting until, like, the early 90s. And I started my stand-up career in the early 80s. And stand-up is something I, still do to this day all the time so i'm glad you found me and i'm glad you found the podcast more importantly and that's that's the key to telling your friends about it spread the word all you pavement pounders listening because i love the sound of the excitement and the enthusiasm in that guy's voice it sounded like wow here's this fun thing that keeps me entertained makes me laugh

and i didn't even know about it and guess what episode we're on ladies and gentlemen this is number 549. Our next episode will be 550. So for all you pavement pounders, the only favor I would ask for you guys is to make sure you tweet or

Facebook or tell your friends about this podcast. And not that I want to get tons of listeners. I mean, the more listeners, the better, but, you know, the reason I do this is just what exactly this gentleman said to pop a little entertainment and

and some fun and goofiness in your life, maybe a few serious topics here and there to debate, kind of like the first one we did on this show, the charity thing, you know, kind of a more serious topic asking the question about charity. So, hey, thank you so much for your gracious and complimentary call. I truly appreciate it. Thank you very much.

And I'm glad I'm able to give you. you something in return. If you want to leave a message, and it doesn't have to be complimentary, this one was, but you can leave whatever you want. You can tell me I suck. You can tell me a story. You can tell me a joke. You can sing.

You can dance. Whatever you want. We have a phone message line. The number's 323-739-4-3-3-0. That's 323-739-43-30. Call today. and if I like your message, I will play it. And when I say I like it,

that doesn't mean it has to be positive or fluffy or good. I just mean if there's something compelling in it, bad or good or funny or stupid, I will put it on. But sometimes I get calls with people, you know, they're just like, hey, man, I like you. You know, what am I going to do with that stuff? So, you know, I pick good ones, bad ones.

Give a call. I'll give you the number one more time. 323-739, 43330. And, again, thank you for calling in, my mysterious friend. And with that, let's just, let's get back to the funny. Let's move on, player! What? No, no, no.

No, no. Oh, Roger. What is he doing here? Oh, for God's sake. Get him out. Get him out. What in the name of hell? Hello, senor.

What are you doing here? I am your gardener, senor. What? I am your gardener, Senor Fentes. I know you're Senor Fentz, and I know you're my gardener. I'm doing a podcast. This is where I work. This is where I work, Señor.

What are you slurring your words for? I am plastered, senor. You're what? I'm plastered. You're plastered? Yes, signor. You told me to plastered your wall when you left this morning. No, I didn't tell you to plastered my wall.

That's what I heard, senor. I said, plaster the wall. I did, senor, believe me, after two bottles of tequila, I am completely plastered, signor. Signor, signor, frances. Ooh, he, hoo, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hi. He, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, stop it. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, senor, you can't yell so loud. My head is spinning around, Señor. Oh, oh. Well, what? Are you kidding me?

You come into your drunk. God, your breath smells. That's a tequila, senor. because you told me to get plastered. I didn't tell you to get plastered. I said, plaster the cracks in the wall. I pissed on the wall, senor, you are correct. You did what?

I pissed on the wall. I said plaster the wall. Peace, plast. Who cares? It's all the same, senor. Oh, my God. What are you doing here? Well, I finished getting plastered, senor, and I didn't know what else you wanted me to do.

Do you have any strippers in here at all, Señor, or maybe some shot glasses so I could keep getting plastered the way you pay me to do? I don't pay you to get plastered. There's no strippers. Now, I could get sued if people think that I told you to get plastered. Well, if Sue's the name of the strippers, Signor, bring her in, I would like to drink tequila off her big pancake-sized areiolized. Don't say aeroly's. I'm live on the air. Well, I'd like to be live in her hair, if you know what I mean, senor.

The hair on her little chihuahua. Don't say chihuahua. I'd like to lick the hair on her hairy little chihuahua, senor. Stop the noises. You're not licking anyone's chihuahua. What about the ariola and then the chihuahua, signor, like a double feature? Stop it! Roger, get him out of here.

Get him some aspirin. Get him the hell out of here. He's completely plastered. Exactly like you told me to do, senor. I'm senor Fent. Oh, God. You smell like an old fish tank. Oh, I like to smell of fish.

You ever get a chihuahua that smells like fish, seigneur? What? Yes, that's a hairy chihuahua. Hee, hoo-hoo, he. Hairy chihuahua! Hey! Oh, my God, he's throwing up all over the floor, Roger. Get him out!

Hairy chihuahua! Oh, God! Get him out! Good Lord. My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. Roger, A, I don't want my gardener in here, and B, I don't want him when he's hammered. Yeah, okay, plastered.

No, it wasn't my fault. I told him to plaster the cracks and the outside deck, not to get plastered. I'm not getting sued. I'm not response. Just don't let him in here anymore. And speaking of something else that I guess I'm sorry for is, and maybe we should all be sorry for this, why do we do this? Why do we do the old thing where we phone our friends and we phone their homeline and they're clearly not there and their answering machine comes up and we do this?

Did you hear it? Did you hear it? Listen one more time. See, someone calls me at home and tells me they're going to call my cell phone. They leave me a message to tell me they're going to call me on another phone. And we all do it. Why? Why do we do it?

Do we feel guilty? Do we feel guilty calling and not leaving a message? Are we just as human beings compelled to have to? to say something? Do we want to reassure them? I mean, clearly we're not, they're not there. So why are we telling them what we're going to be doing? And then chances are if we call their cell phone four seconds later, they're going to

pick up. Now, when they pick up, you go, oh, hey, buddy, hey, I just left a message on your cell phone. And sadly, guess what? Yes, we do that too. It's like telling people of actions they're never going to. going to do. That's like, let's say you were going to your buddy's house for dinner that night, and dinner was at seven, and at two o'clock, you called your friend, and you said, hey, buddy, I'm going

to see it for dinner tonight, but right now I'm driving to 7-Eleven to pick up a bottle of coke, but I'll see you tonight. It's like, it's like, why do we do it? why don't we just when you when you phone and nobody answers and you get please leave a message for holland williams i just in your mind you should go oh well he's he's clearly not there click but instead what do we do it makes no sense that's like if you're driving in a car with your mother and you turn to your mother and you're clearly going down the street and you say hey mom i'm driving the car and she looks at you and she's got this dumbfounded expression on her face.

She's like, are you my son? Are you having mental problems? I know you're driving the car. I'm in the car with you and we're driving. Yeah, Mom, but I just wanted you know I'm driving the car because I'm driving. Okay. And then you stop the car, you get out of the car, slam the door. And then you open the door again and go,

hey mom I just got out of the car and slammed the door and I just wanted you to know so I'm going to be slamming it again and then I'm going to walk into the mall but before I buy anything in the mall I'm going to run back out and let you know that I'm in the mall I know what you're doing you're a mental case why don't you run over your own head and put the car in reverse so it's very odd it's a very odd thing and how many of you do it? How many of you do it? And why do I have a feeling some of you, because I asked you earlier to call the Harlan Highway hotline, why do I have a funny, sneaky feeling that some of you are going to call the Harlan Highway Hotline and leave? Hey, Arland, you're not there. I'm

going to call you on yourself. I know. I know one of you smart asses will. That's okay. I set myself up. In fact, if you do, I'll probably get a friggin' laugh out of it. So there. So just one of the odd habits, maybe we've got to change it. And I think we're getting to the point where, you know, a lot of us might not even have home answering machines anymore. Or if we do, we're phasing them out.

Because how many of you listening have gone from using your landline 100% of the time to buying a cell phone and then kind of using your landline like 70% of the time down to 50% down to 30% I use my landline like 10% of the time now. It's kind of creepy.

And I miss that old landline. There was something comforting about it. Is this just me or when I'm sitting on the couch in a conversation, I find something comforting. It's like a nice warm cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream on the top. When I'm sitting on my couch with my landline,

it just feels warm and homely, and I feel like I can just talk forever and it feels good. Whereas when I got the cell phone, I feel like, oh, my God, I've got this radiation battery right beside my temple. I'm going to lose service, any second, it's not as clear, it's not as loud, it's not as, I feel like my chin's going to press

on a button and disconnect me, you know, it's just not a, the home phone conversation is warm and fuzzy, and the cell phone conversation is tentative and insecure. That's the way I feel. And so I enjoy it. I enjoy it. I actually, you know, this is true. I get a little bit excited now when I hear my home phone ring. When a call comes in on the home phone in my head, I go, oh, yay, a home phone call.

Oh, yay, nice. Oh, cute. Oh, sweet. Oh, going to cuddle up on the couch with a blankie. Going to roast marshmallows and put my feet in a bucket of hot water while I talk. on the home phone cute gonna get a stand in the shower a nice warm shower wash my hair while I'm talking on the home phone yay okay that was a bit disgusting but do you guys find the same thing I don't know that's what I'm finding the cell phone seems a bit cold and

impersonal but we're getting used to it I guess I don't know maybe it's the shape. It's like the home phone is kind of big and kind of rounded. It fits in your hand. It feels like you're holding something. Whereas the cell phone, it's like you've got a cracker pressed up against your head. Oh, my God, I got this saltine. I got a piece of Melba toast on the side of my face. It's thin. It's kind of awkward. It's clunky. The home phone is robust and has weight and gravity. It's, oh, it's a phone. But you know what?

I'll call you and talk to you about it more. And if you're not there, I'll let you know. And I'll call you back on your cell. Okay, see you. Bye. And speaking of bye, oh, my God, look at this. We're down to the end of the Shishishish Show. My goodness.

My goodness, Tom does fly. Oh, Tom does fly, player. Well, let's get to some announcements here. First of all, make sure you listen to ATC. That's all things comedy.com. That is the podcast network where you can also find the Harland Highway. I urge you to tell your friends to listen there and check out ATC for other fine comedic podcast, Jake Johansen, Bill Burr. And a post note to my friend who left the message earlier, the kind message.

At the end of his message, he said, hey, you should get Bill Burr on your podcast. well guess what because you asked my friend i'm going to call bill burr i was just hanging out with bill the other night i'm going to call bill up and tell him i need him on my podcast so uh that's something to look forward to i will personally call him up and uh try and get bill burr in here in the next couple of weeks uh depending on our schedules it's hard to it's hard to nail comics down because we're always motoring around doing shows but I will get him in here and we will have him on the podcast very soon just because you asked. So like I said, last time put your phone calls into 323-739-4330, and I will listen to each and every one of them, I promise you.

Or you can write me at Harlanwilms.com and while you're there, check out my comedy stand-up touring schedule. You can look at it. your tickets online. Go to our comedy store. It's right there. All kinds of Harland merchandise. Also subscribe to my YouTube channel while you're on the page. All you've got to do is click a

button. It says subscribe right at the bottom. And you will get all the wacky videos that I'm putting out this year. It's already started. The 60-second talk show, all kinds of fun stuff. So please jump

on board the the fun times. And let's see if I got any comedy dates coming up for you, gang. Looks like I'll be in Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada, on the eastern seaboard for the Hubcap Comedy Festival. That's Saturday, February 8th, a huge theater with a special guest, John Wing Jr., who was one of the finalists on America's Got Talent last year. Really funny guy.

And then February 13th through the 16th, I will be in on Ontario, California, not Canada, Ontario, California. It's a city just outside of Los Angeles doing stand-up comedy at the improv from February 13th to the 16th. So there you go. There you go. It's all good. It's all good. So that's it.

That's all we have time for today. Flirtle Blurgens and Skagirdle Durgens. Hope you had a good time. Again, please tell your friends about the highway. way let them get in on the fun don't hog it to yourselves share the laughter and uh until next time chicken chamein baby and um oh by the way try to get bill burrow on your podcast that would be hilarious all right man take care peace