The Harland Highway - 550 - A new kind of PERVERT! A new kind of MURDER!

Episode Date: January 30, 2014

Some strange stories are covered today involving perverts and murderers, also, drone technology to shop online. Buzz my wuzz!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. How many times can I say it? Too many. I'm already annoyed. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway. What a show we have today. It's kind of a weird show. Like, we're going to be talking about a variety of things, including Internet technology and the process of ordering. consumer goods online. There's a new development where it looks like they're going to start using drones to deliver internet orders. We're going to discuss a murder. There's been a murder, one of the most bizarre murders you'll probably ever hear about. And let's just say it involves underpants.

Okay? It's a bizarre underpant murder. And then if you don't think that's crazy enough, then we spiral into another story where there's a pervert on the loose. Yes, here in the United States, can you believe it? Police are looking for a strange pervert that's driving around, roaming the streets, and you'll never guess what his perversion is. It's going to freak you out and make you never want to eat lunch again. But enjoy this meal.

This is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway I will look for you Does your mother know what you're doing for a living? The Harland Highway Hey-o There's glasses I will find you

My mom always said You can't handle the truth Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Many years of therapy Many, many many Fucking years of therapy I will kill you Listen lame brain

Let an expert show you how to do this. The Harland Highway. You never know what you're going to get. It's the Harland Highway. I'll tell you what you're going to get. We're going to get wacky right out of the gate is what we're going to get. I can't wait to report on this story here. This is just out of control, bizarre, sad and yet hilarious.

So let's get right to it. It's a Harland Highway crows. Crazy news story. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay.

Here it is. This is... This is nutty. Okay? This is a real nutty story. Here's the headline. Oklahoma man accused of killing stepfather. Are you ready for this?

With an atomic wedgy. Oh, God. Are you kidding me? An Oklahoma man is being held on suspicion of murdering his stepfather by giving him an atomic wedgy. Do you know what an atomic wedgey is? Here it is. It says, please said this guy, Bradley Davis,

got into a drunken family fight with his stepfather, where he grabbed the stepfather's underwear, pulled it over his head, and suffocated him with his underpants. The stepfather was found dead at his home, and it said that the defendant grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an atomic wedgy. And I guess, you know, you got to wonder, was it the atomic wedge or was it the horrifying stink inside the underpants? I mean, that's a big wedg you when you pull a guy's ginchies right up over his whole friggin' head. That takes a bit of strength, man. And that is like you are trapped in a volatile environment right there.

I mean, when you have your own underpants over your head, you come face to face with everything that you've done to those underpants. I mean, there could be a little Hershey squirt, there could be a little Newman's own lemonade, there could be some guys that just got off the submarine, and I think you know what they're called. That's right. Seamen, okay? There could be a puby hair in there that gets in your eye. I mean, what are you breathing in, skin flakes from your ball sack?

Oh, God. no thanks who wants an atomic wedgy over your head I mean just bizarre here take take a listen here's the actual news report that was filed on the news and uh it makes me laugh when the reporter actually has to say the words

atomic wedgy have a listen I can't imagine how you do that to your step father choking with his underwear 33-year-old Brad Davis is under arrest for taking a high school prank to a deadly level. Investigators say Davis and his 58-year-old stepfather, Denver St. Clair, were drinking together inside the family home a few days before Christmas. According to the police affidavit, tempers flared when St. Clair began speaking ill of Davis's mother, and a fight broke out.

Davis claims his stepfather swung first, but the domestic dispute intensified when Davis knocked his stepfather unconscious, grabbed his underwear. and gave him a, quote, atomic wedgey. His underwear was pulled up over his head, and the elastic band was around his throat. The medical examiner reports the cause of death was a combination of blunt force trauma and asphyxiation. And with the blunt force trauma, you know,

that's the whole, I mean, that's a whole other issue too. So one of the two, either or, you know, it was bad. After the fight, Davis called 911 to report what happened, but police believe he tampered with the crime scene to make it look like he killed St. Clair in. self-defense people knew him and then to be killed like that it's just outrageous this is like something you can't even imagine wait what you can't imagine atomic wedge are you really telling me it's hard to believe that i mean come on man this is the united states of america it's probably

way overdue that someone i got killed by an atomic wedgey And where does the word atomic come in there? Atomic is like a very scientific word. How does Atomic get mixed in with the word wedgy? Where did that happen? Did that get brewed up in a laboratory somewhere? There was a bunch of scientists working on the cure for cancer, and they got bored one day.

And one of the nerds was like, Hey, Cecil, watch this. I'm going to go give Fred a wedgy. Yeah, well, why don't you give them an atomic wedge since we've been working on them their atomic molecules all day long? Yeah, that's what I'll do, thanks. Atomic wedgey! I don't know.

The two don't go together. Something very scientific up against something that sounds like something a dumbass would do. And just so you know, with this news story, if you can see the footage of the news story, yes, when they say the fight took place in a home in Oklahoma, not trying to stereotype, but they showed the home, it's in the woods, and it's not so much a home as it's a double-wide trailer. Okay, that's the home. I don't see a double, an atomic wedgy murder happening in upstate New York or in the Hamptons. Excuse me, Chalmers, would you please step over here? Why, whatever for, Carlton?

Well, Chalmers, I'd like you to bend over. I'd like to grab your underpants. My goodness, what's happening? Would you mind, Chalmers, if I gave you a, Atomic Wedgie till you died to death? Well, absolutely, Carlton. It sounds smashing. Please grab my undies and rip them up my crack.

What the hell? I mean, how do you die from an atomic wedgy, a high school prank? What's next? Your Honor, my client is guilty of murdering his sister with Nugis. He Nugied her to death Yes, and my client is innocent of the wet willie caper He absolutely did not lick his finger And stick it too far into that person's ear

Who's deceased and has the soggy ear full of saliva No I mean, wow Your Honor, my client is guilty of gluing someone to the toilet seat I'm sorry, he wants to confess but he couldn't make it to the courtroom today because he glued himself to a toilet seat. So there you go, man.

Wacky, freaky world. And just be careful when giving yourself or anyone else a giant wedgy. Okay, so now you're going, well, gee, that's a great story, Harland. But how do you top it? You know, how do you top the atomic wedgy murders? Well, let me just answer that with three words. Swiss cheese pervert.

Yeah, that's right. You heard me. I mean, I'm going to keep rolling here on these wacky stories, man. We got us a Swiss cheese pervert. I mean, if you thought the atomic wedgy was funny, listen to this. The police are searching for what they're calling the Swiss cheese pervert. Okay?

This is a story that comes from a woman who claimed she was approached by a guy who apparently has a Swiss cheese perversion. It says that the woman was sitting at a light On a busy road in a place called East Falls Don't know where that is She said he told me he liked to put Swiss cheese On his private area Yikes

So she recorded the incident with her smartphone And I'm going to play that for you in just a minute here but she asked the guy why he had Swiss cheese in his car and if you can see the footage of the phone this guy's a big fat job of the hut looking guy like holds up he's holding up a big giant chunk of cheese Swiss cheese with the holes in it and everything

so I you know I think we can kind of surmise that maybe it's the holes. The holes in the cheese. I mean, that's a lot of holes. I mean, not to be crude, ladies and gentlemen. But let's be honest, any man could go and hire a prostitute. And, you know, excluding nose holes and ear holes, you've pretty much got probably three holes if you're dirty enough.

that you can pay for. You know, you got your two holes down below and your one hole right up under the nose. And with a brick of Swiss cheese, my God. That's a John's delight right there. That's like being with, that's like being in an orgy. you've just got holes all over the place there's a hole there here's a hole there here a hole there a hole everywhere a hole old mcdonald had a whorehouse hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me

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Have fun. Don't throw your back. And the, you know, you got your tight holes, you got your loose holes, you got, I mean, it's going to smell. Probably smell a lot like, and pardon my French again, probably not that dissimilar in smell from a dirty old whore standing on a street corner in the glow of a motel six sign. I've never been with a whore, but I can imagine maybe a dirty, trampy street whore might just smell like a block of Swiss cheese

and who knows a whore like that might even have more holes maybe bullet holes and cellulite holes golf holes I don't know so this guy's just all over the Swiss cheese

and I guess he's driving around town looking to you know How do you advertise in the paper? And Joy walks on the beach, love singing in the choir, and really love sexual intercourse with Swiss cheese. A must.

Please respond. I mean, how do you find that person to fill your life? Yeah, I just can't find a girlfriend, man. When am I ever going to meet a girl who likes to have sex with cheese Swiss cheese Good night, Nelly Swiss cheese frittato

Wow So let me roll you this story here I mean I didn't think we could beat the atomic wedgy But the old Swiss cheese pervert Oh this is gold This is more golden than the cheese Let's play the clip, and it's friggin' hilarious. It was here on Henry Avenue.

That's where she says the guy pulled up next to her, pulled out Swiss cheese, and then exposed himself. It started at a stoplight in East Falls. And he told me to lower my window. So as soon as I look at him, he pulls off this big block of Swiss cheese. You can clearly see it, and then they question him. Why do you have Swiss cheese in your car? If you couldn't make it out, Priscilla makes it clear. He told me, I like to put Swiss cheese on.

my private area. Photos reveal a clearer picture of the suspect. She says he's maybe 40, bald, obese with a goatee. Now I am freaked out since I know it wasn't just a joke. Police are taking this seriously. The suspect drives a black four-door car, possibly a Chevy Impala or a Toyota. And there have been sightings and incidents in Philadelphia and Montgomery County. What some people think this is a joke, but it's no laughing matter. That's why Milk Martelac and the Mayfair Town Watch are doing their own investigation. They spoke with several victims and working with police. This is not just a Mayfair thing. This gentleman has been all over the place doing this,

and I characterize his acts as very disturbing. A creepy memory she'll never forget. Why do you have switched in your car? A suspect that is still out there. But what if he said that to, you know, a minor, that's scary. So I think he should be taken off the streets, and I think they need to take it a little more serious. And the Philadelphia Police Special Victims Unit

is currently investigating if you have any information as a result in his case, Please call them. Live in East Falls, Keith Jones, NBC10 News. Yeah, if you have any information, if you've seen a guy riding around with a big block of Swiss cheese on his knob, please call the police. I love it how in the news story, the girl asked to say,

well, he told me wanted to put the Swiss cheese on his private parts. I don't think that's what a pervert who's into Swiss cheese is going to say. I don't think he probably phrased it that way. And I hate to be rude and blunt. But let's get into the real world. She probably said, Why do you have Swiss cheese in your car? Uh, because I like to put it on my cock.

And I like to ride it up and down. And I like to, I like to fuck Swiss cheese in the front seat of my Prius. That's why. Okay? You want to watch? You got a George Foreman grill? I'll make you Panani.

I'll make you a Panani intercourse sandwich. How about that? That was probably what he said. Again, please forgive my brashness. But I don't think a big bald guy with a goatee and sweating and holding up a big chunk of cheese and rubbing it on his lap is going, I like to put it on my private parts.

Yes. No, no, no. This guy's... Did you hear the word in the story, pervert? I don't think perverts have any etiquette. I don't think perverts are in the business of being polite. I think pervert is probably... I think once you go around the bend with a brick of Swiss cheese,

I don't think there's much left in the being appropriate department. Yes, I like to put Swiss cheese. on my private parts I like the feel of it on my epidermis and my genitalia no no no this purve and again

I hate to be dirty but he's probably as dirty I like to grind that fucking cheese from behind and do it doggy style oh I like to fuck that Swiss cheese until it yodels yololo he he

yo lo lo hoo hoo Oh, yeah! I like to fuck that Swiss cheese and all its holes until it yells, Riegelo. Rer, Riegel. Yeah. God, just horrible.

Oh, yeah. Come on, come on, take it, Swissie. Oh, yeah, baby, that's it. Take it, Swissy. Yeah, let me hear you. Let me hear you, Swissy. Oh, oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, baby, let's do it again.

Come on. Come on, let me hear you bark like a cheddar melt. Oh, come on, Swissy. Uh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Sweet, Donna! Okay, okay, enough. I'm worn out. I'm worn out.

I'm all cheesed out. So anyways, just be careful out there. There's all kinds of pearls. Who knew there was a cheese pervert? Good Lord. So sad, so scary. Let's talk about something positive here. Let's talk about ordering stuff online.

Have you seen these new... Amazon's talking about drones? They're talking about having drones deliver stuff to your house, which I think is brilliant. And basically, what they do is, get these small drones that have like four or five propellers on them. They look like little helicopters, and they can only pick up, you know, X amount of weight. But basically, it's all computerized.

I saw this thing on 60 minutes where they process an order, and I think it's got to be like 15 pounds or less or eight pounds or less. It can't carry too much, but there's a lot of stuff that's eight pounds or less. You know, DVDs, books, medicine, who knows what? Swiss cheese. Anyhow, so this is a technology that they're developing, and I guess the thing picks up the small package. It's programmed through GPS. It flies, I'm guessing at low altitude,

because you obviously don't want to put drones up into the atmosphere where commercial airlines are flying. so I'm guessing it would be like a low altitude flight and you know they'd drop stuff off at your house and I think it's all within a 30 mile radius I don't think the drones could fly from like Los Angeles to New York but I think from what I saw in this report it would be like a 30 mile radius of delivery

and it sounds good It sounds futuristic. It sounds cool. But then you got to think, you know, a low-flying drones, probably not flying that fast. And we are in a gun culture. And you got to figure there's going to be guys on the ground running around with laundry baskets and guns going,

hey, man, there goes a drone. Looks like it's carrying an iPad. Blanc. Oh, there goes a drone. Looks like it's got a new digital. digital camera you know people are going to be run around with laundry baskets and mattresses shooting drones out of the air getting free free goods can you imagine trying to fly something that's got some some value through the air you don't you don't think kids

are going to be throwing rocks at the low flying drones hey look at that guys hey there goes some videos and some, it looks like a box of Viagra flying through the air. Boop! But it seems like more and more of us are getting comfortable with ordering stuff online. And actually, on that note, I want to mention to you guys. And this is kind of cool.

If you go to my website, harlowewilms.com, we have a little link now where, as you know, I kind of do this podcast and, you know, don't make anything off it. But here's a neat way that, you know, I can profit share. If you decide you want something on Amazon, when you go to do that, go to my website, harlough williams.com, and you'll see a link to Amazon. And all you have to do is click on that link. So if you're going to buy something from Amazon, go to harlomwilums.com.

click through our Amazon ad at the bottom of the web page, and it takes you to Amazon. It doesn't cost you anything extra, and, you know, it helps keep the Harland Highway rolling. It gives us a little kickback on the side. You know, so if you feel like helping out and you're going to Amazon anyways, you know, go through Harlan Williams.com, and it takes you right there as if you just typed in Amazon but they make a note of it and they send us a little a little something something it isn't a lot but if a lot of people do it it helps uh you know it helps pad the podcast a little and helps me put stuff towards the show and blah blah blah so i'll thank you in advance if you're

willing to do that because as you know uh we're coming up on uh we're going to be coming up on 600 episodes soon and i'll tell you what as far as money made on this podcast, and believe me, I don't do it for money. If I did, I would have stopped a long time ago. I think I made $1,000 once doing a

TiVo ad. And I did TiVo because I actually like TiVo, but they gave me a thousand bucks to plug it a bunch of times. And that's it, man. Can you imagine 600 podcasts, and I love doing it? I will keep doing it,

whether I get money or not. But if there is a way to help out a little bit, then I'm not going to say no to that because, you know, this takes a lot of work. It's time-consuming. It takes a lot of energy. And believe me, it's time well spent. Don't get me wrong.

I love doing it. But, you know, if you do happen to go to Amazon to buy something, go through harlomwilms.com. There you go. Little plug. I mean, you can get your Swiss. cheese get your atomic underpants whatever you know i just realized i dedicated the whole show to those crazy stories but why not i think they're worth it i think those two stories were really really

worth it today i mean what a crackpot world we live in man well it wasn't just two stories we talked about the whole uh you know the new drone technology ordering stuff online i tell you man And I just love the technology that's happening. People are saying, oh, it's dehumanizing us. It's desensitizing us. We're getting too wrapped up in technology. Yeah, we are, but you can't stop it. So instead of standing in neutral and pretending we should just stop it and go backwards,

it's like I get excited every day when I read the news about the next thing. It just seems like everything's becoming so automated and digital. and the things our phones can do and the things are computers and our TVs and our cars and it really just really starting to feel like we're getting into that modern sci-fi world that we always saw pictures of when we were kids. You know, the Jetsons and, you know, people floating around their homes

with bubble helmets on their heads. And it feels like we're finally getting into that type of world where things are becoming automated and robots are starting to appear and are these devices that do stuff for us. It's kind of exciting. So I dig it, man. I dig it.

I dig it, man. I really, really dig it. Well, anyways, that brings us towards the end of the show, gang. Thank you for being here, as always. I love doing the show. Love having you here, the pavement pounders. Let's do a few announcements here. I will be in Moncton, New Brunswick.

That's on the east coast of Canada. New Brunswick is one of the maritime provinces, of course. And I'm going to be doing a great comedy festival there, the Hubcap Comedy Festival. And that's February 8th, Saturday night. And you can get tickets online. Just go to Harlan Williams.com and click on my stand-up comedy schedule. And the link will be right there.

Also on the show with me is my old friend John Wing Jr. He was one of the finalists in last season's America's Got Talent, one of the stand-up comedian finalists, super funny guy, great guy. Also, February 13th to the 16th, I will be at the Ontario-California improv, not Ontario Canada, Ontario-California improv. doing stand-up there. And later on, at the end of February, I'll be in San Diego, at the American Comedy Company, San Diego, California.

That's going to be February 27th to March 1st. And did I mention the dates for Ontario? It's February 13th to the 16th. And be sure to go to Harlow Williams' do. and check out our store if you want to get some fun merchandise. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel there because I'm doing a lot of kooky videos that I don't want you to miss out on.

Join the Twitter parade at Harland Williams. I'll also be shooting the videos to the Twitter. So if you just want to join the Twitter, that works too. But it's a lot more stuff at my YouTube channel coming out that you don't want to miss. Be sure you go to, be sure. You go to ATC, All Things Comedy.com. That's the podcast network where you can find my podcast, along with other funny people like Bill Burr, Al Magigal, Jake Johansson's, real funny podcasts on there, right next to mine, of course, and there you go, man.

So we're all wrapped up. We got all our announcements out of the way. and I'm going to head to the deli, and you know what I'm getting, man. I'm getting some Swiss cheese and a big bowl of chicken. Chalmaine, baby!