The Harland Highway - 551 - How many steps to get SEX? Also, I love lint!

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

How many steps does it take a person to get to having SEX? My obsession with LINT. And people who like to direct traffic. Cupcake my bupcake!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I love you, truly, truly, okay, enough. You know, I love you. That's why we do the podcast, because I love you. I just love you. It's a love fest here. Welcome to the podcast, the Harlan Highway podcast. I am Harlan Williams, your hostess with the Mostis. And what a show today, my friends.

We're going to be talking about you ever get people trying to direct you while you drive And it's annoying as all ass hair Well, we're going to get into that world Also, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to ask you about a weird thing that I have A weird kind of habit that I have that I don't know if it's a hobby or if it's an obsession or I don't know what it is. But I'm going to ask you about it. I can't even tell you about it, but it's weird.

It will be in the question of the day. And also we're going to talk about sex and hooking up. And how do you hook up nowadays? And what is the protocol? And where is it at? Where is it emotionally and psychologically? And how is it done compared to how it was done years ago when I was a kid? We're going to find out real sexy on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I fit the wrong week to quit smoke. I'm funny how. I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you. Like I took the wrong week. You could drink. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

I buy that for a dollar. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

It's like I picked the wrong week to quit. I'm fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week. Quit sniff and grue. Oh, yeah, there it is. The new intro, the brand new intro.

I hope you like it, gang. Uh, you know, I try to replace them every so off. You know, put together a new intro to keep things fresh. But enough about the new intro. You either like it or you don't. It's what we got for the next little while. I like it. But more importantly, I think we better get right to the Harlan Highway question of the day.

The Harlan Highway Question of the Day. Okay, here it is. The question of the day is, why? Do I, Harland Williams, enjoy taking lint out of the lint trap? What? I know. It's very strange. You know that lint trap in your dryer?

And, you know, you pull it out and it's just full of fuzzy wuzzies. Look at all the fuzzy wuzzies in my lint trap. Oh, I got fuzzy wuzzies. It's like a fuzzy wuzzy diaper in there. Oh, my God, look at it. It's like Elvis's sideburn in the lint trap. Good Lord. Heaven's to Murgatroyd even.

Look at all the lint, in the lint trap even. Like, look at all the lint in the lint trap scoob. Like, look at all the lint scoob. So, I don't know what it is, but there's something about it. and it just occurred to me the other day when I was cleaning it it's kind of fun isn't that stupid

it is like a trap it's like a minot trap it's like a bear trap it's like a beaver trap it's like a wolf trap it's like you set a trap and then you go away and you wonder and you get

you go what did I get my trap because a trap is like a sneaky thing right you catch things in a trap and when you set a trap it can even be psychological it can be a prank on a friend it can be a glue on a toilet seat or water bucket over the door it's a trap and so there's a level of anticipation when you set up a trap and i didn't even realize i'm setting up a trap for lint who cares about lint i should be figuring out how to trap more dollars in my wallet or uh you know trap a victorious secret model spin a spider web and see if i can catch one where she flies into it

with her wings what am i doing i'm sitting around trapping lint what's the upside to that well here's the upside i like it i like i like opening the lint trap and going Gee, I wonder what it's going to be like. Ooh, my lintrap. Oh, I wonder how thick it's going to be. Gosh, Wren. I wonder what my lintrap looks like, Wren. Stimpy, you idiot.

Gosh, I wonder what color my lintrap will be, Lynn. Like, I always wonder what color. It's always different. Sometimes it's purple. Sometimes it's white. Sometimes it's red. Sometimes it's half and half. It'll be like white at the top and then beautifully fade into like a blue or a purple. Sometimes a yellow. It's like a rainbow trap is what it is. Oh, oh, oh, look at my rainbow trap. I washed my jeans and my sweater and my undershirt and my underpants. And look, somehow I trapped a rainbow. And what's that yellow color that used to be in my underpants? All right.

I don't know what the tribal thing was. And then you've got to go, how big is it? Because sometimes your lint, your lint, it only comes like halfway up the lint trap. Or sometimes it fills the whole thing. Or sometimes you forget to clean out your lint trap. and you let it ride for like three or four loads of drying. And your lintrap, you open it up and it's like,

oh my God, Santa Claus's beard. Oh, my God. I did some laundry and now I've got Santa Claus's beard. Oh, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Lintrapp. Oh, ho, ho. It's crazy, man. But it's beyond the vision.

it's the texture I like there's all these things that go on I like touching and it's soft it's like rubbing a teddy bear's bottom Heaven's to Murgatroyd He's rubbing a teddy pair's bottom Hey boo boo-boo

Yogi bear here Or it's like Stroking Elvis's sideburn Or I don't know It's like little baby hair Somebody threw a baby in a dryer its little fuzzy white hairs came off and made me a baby scarf.

Ooh, it's cold outside. I better put on my baby hair scarf. Oh. Boy, this is getting weird, isn't it? Who knew I'd get so excited about my lintrap? But here's the real piazza de resistance. Here's where the lintrap not only is beautiful and fuzzy, but it's a challenge it's like a Rubik's cube

it's a physical challenge wherein you have to grab the lint you have to peel Elvis's sideburn out of your limp trap and you get you got to try and you have a challenge it's like can I pull the lint the lint scarf off in one one pull can I do it without breaking the lint scarf little lint blanket

If there's a mouse in this house, I'm going to find your little nest and give you a lint blanket. That's right. So you pull the lint out, and you try to get one big piece. It's like slowly pulling off a band-aid. Got it. I got a lint. It's a four-footer. Oh, my God.

a four-foot lint scarf right here. Holy Christ, I got a seven-foot Santa Claus beard. Somebody give me an award over here. I got a nine-foot Elvis sideburn lintrap here. It's a Christmas miracle. I got Sandy Claus's beard here. Oh, oh, oh. But it's that texture in the fingers.

And then here's the sad thing. just you throw it away in the garbage you just throw it away this wonderful soft like i mean if you could knit a blanket out of this stuff if you could sew it together and make a lint shirt or a a lint business suit something it's just a waste it's like you know it all came from your clothing so in reality it's little pieces of your clothing it's like if you threw your shirt and your jeans and your underpants and your socks and a blender and made a smoothie, the lint trap makes lint smoothies.

Now, you don't throw a smoothie away, so why are you throwing your lint away? That's a fine, healthy lint smoothie right there. You gobble that up. But then there's also, here's the negative side of the lintrapp experience. when you peel your Elvis side burn out of the lint trap or whether your lint trap's round

and it's like a lint pizza or a lint pancake. Whatever shape your lint trap is, that's the other thing that come in many shapes. Wonderful, lint shapes. Oh my God, look at my lintrap. It's an octagon. Oh, my God. I'm going to make a lintagon.

Who wants a lintagon? You can throw it like a karate star. but when you pull the lint out if you do it in the light you can see all kinds of little lint fairies come up little tiny particles and molecules of floating lint up in the air

floating baby hairs up in the air going up your nose and then you you got to wear like a SARS mask to remove the lint from your lint trap it's a little weird all the it's like suddenly it's a biohazard he's removing the lint from the lint trap oh my god there's a lint cloud floating around his face he's just taking three deep breaths and oh his lungs have closed up he's having a seizure and he's having a lint attack he's dead well wrap him in lint and put him in the ground So there you go, gang.

That's my big question. Are you guys attracted to your lintchap? And maybe it's something you never thought about. But now the next time you do your linting, when you go to your linting, your weekly linting or whatever it is, maybe I'm made up a new word. Going to do the linting. La, la, la, la, my favorite hobby.

Next time you do your linting, think about it. Don't force yourself to like it, but while you're doing it going, is there something oddly pleasurable about this? It's just, it's one of those mundane tasks you never think of, but yet it's, there's something so tender and soft and gentle about taking lint out of the lintrap. My fingers are all soft and fuzzy. It makes my mind all soft and fuzzy. I don't know.

You know, they have those things at IKEA, those ballpits, where the kids jump in all the balls. We should have lint pits in our home, where you just throw the lint. Instead of throwing it in the garbage, make a big, like a sandbox and fill it with lint rags, lint scarfs. Whenever you're having a bad day

or you're depressed or you're upset, or you're frustrated and you're mad, I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it. I'm going to jump into my lint trance. You just jump in your lint and roll around. Just roll around like Winnie the Pooh and honey. La, I'm just a little black lint crowd hovering over my lint bin.

Oh, bother. Oh, stuff and fluff. Yeah. So there you go. Weird question of the day. If you want to share your lint thoughts with me, which is something. I never thought I'd say in my life. Hey, you guys want to get together and talk lint or, uh, what's up?

It's the 12 days of lint, man. Let's get together and let's really hash out this lint stuff. We need to, you know what, we need to sit down and we need to have a lint talk right now, okay? Okay. So, if you want to leave me any thoughts on your lint, whether I'm the only weird, maybe I, we need lint's anonymous or something you can leave me a phone message at 323 739 43330 and maybe you just want to comment I want a whack job I am for my little pleasures or maybe you want to tell me about your little pleasures maybe you have a weird little pleasure that is so off the beaten track like my lint

thing I would love to hear what you guys are like obsessed with or something that seems ridiculous but yet you like it. You derive pleasure from it. Maybe you like changing your oil in your car or truck. You like cleaning the oil off your dipstick. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Here we go. No. I don't know. I'd love to hear if you guys have an odd little thing that turns your crank. You can call me. 323-739, 43330. Come on, pavement pounders. Don't leave me dangling out here like I'm the weird one. You're listening to my podcast. You've got to be weirder than me. So let's hear it. Or if you're too ashamed to leave a voicemail and you want to just write me, you can write me at harlanwilliams.com. And let's hear what you have to say about weird, linty things.

So there you go. That's the Harlan Iway question of the day. Why do I like lint? highway question of the day all right moving on um let's talk about hooking up that's right i said it hooking up we've all done it you've all done it at least most of you have done it I think. And if you haven't, you should. But let's talk about the process, the art of hooking up.

Because I think it's changed a lot. It's changed a hell of a lot. It's gone from an endeavor or a practice or a ritual, whatever you want to call it. of maybe kind of segueing into having sex, having the full experience of hooking up with another individual. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Harland, have fun. Don't throw your back out. I think back in the day when I was growing up,

there was this thing called, you know, getting to the bases. And basically it's like you'd take a girl out, you'd date her, maybe second or third date you'd kiss. That was like first base. Second base was you got your hands on some boobage. third base was you got your hands on some of that magical area between the legs and getting all the way home was the intercourse ladies and gentlemen yes the intercourse um and uh it was a it was a big deal you know and often you'd hear guys

hey man how'd you do on the weekend like did you get to a second base to get to third base and getting to home base was a big deal. I mean, you know, when I was growing up in the 70s and the 80s, God, I'm old. It was a thing, you know, it was a process. You know, I think not for everybody. Some guys and girls got lucky and got what they wanted right out of the gate. But I think for most youngsters, it was a little more of a, you know, a step-by-step sex program.

And I think the whole art or the whole concept of getting to the bases is probably dead. I mean, nowadays, I think people, like, hook up immediately. A buddy of mine made me aware of an expression, DTF. And pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen. but DTF are the code words for down to fuck, okay? And my buddy of mine told me that there's times when he just text girls or he meets girls online or whatever. And after a few short conversations on the cell phone or the computer, they're just like, hey, DTF. I mean, he's told me that it's been that brash and I go, what are you talking about?

That's not really just, dude, what are you behind the times? That's what everybody's doing. Nobody, like, goes through the dating process anymore. It's DTF. Hi, I just met you online, DTF? Okay, I'd love to DTF. How about Motel 6? Well, they will leave the light on for us.

T, L, O, F, why, leave the light on for you to DT. F. God. So, I don't know. It's a funny place in the culture where we're at. And, you know, there's probably still the odd bird that refers to getting to all the bases out there. But I want to give you a little flashback moment that I think's nostalgic. It's fun. It's kind of cool. And it's probably the only time where maybe rock and roll intersected with baseball. in a sexual way. And there's a great song that came out in the 70s, and I know I'm dating myself here, but I think you'll appreciate this. I think you'll like this.

It was by a guy named Meatloaf, big fat guy, and his name was Meatloaf, and he did a song called Paradise by the Dashboard Light, which implies, you know, having sex in the car or whatever. But the song's really about this couple. It's a duet, and they're singing about getting it. on and you know he he wants to get it on and she's like well i'll let you but are you gonna love me forever you're gonna marry me and that's kind of the way it was back then if you're kind of like

you didn't do it unless you really love somebody that was the mindset it's like well we can't have sex unless we love each other whereas today it's like um hey there's a janitor's closet over there. Do you think we could go get it on? Yeah, okay. So I want to play this little clip, and it's a really cool clip because it's, like I said, it's where rock and roll meets baseball, and they got an actual baseball announcer, I believe, to overlay this play-by-play in the middle of the song, and obviously it's referring about the step-by-step process.

of a guy making it all the way home to have sex. And let's play it. And, you know, I'm just going to play you the part. This is in the middle of the song. And I'll play you this part and then tell you about the rest of the song on the other side. Here it is the play-by-play. Young men in the 70s and the 80s trying to get to home base as featured in Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatlow.

tonight tonight we're gonna go all the way tonight we're gonna go all the way in tonight tonight okay here we go we got a real pressure cooker going here down nobody on no floor bottom of the night there's to wind up and there it is a line shot up the middle look at them go this point is really flying drowning person and really trying to get on now he's not letting up an all he's gonna drive for a second ball is bottled out and center and here comes the throw and what a throw he's going to slide in head first here he comes he's out no wait safe safe that second base this kid really makes things happen out there batter steps up to the place here's the trench and he's going and what a jump he's got he's trying to third in the throw

it's in the dirt safe that turn only cow's going to make making a pretty big lead out there almost garren him to try and pick them off picture glass and go wind up and it's fun and One of the down the third base line and two is back, squeeze the time. Here he comes three players going to be close. Here's the throw. Here's the play in the place. Holy cow, I think he's going to make it. Stop right there.

I've got to know right now. Before we go any further, do you love me? Will you love me forever? Do you need me? Will you never leave me? I got a no. Okay. So there it is.

And, you know, like I said, it's uh it's uh you know you got to love me before you get to the goodies and so my question is do do you guys still feel like the whole love element should be in play before you get nasty or naughty with uh the person you're with or is everyone just in a place where it's like Ah, screw it. It's like turning on the TV and watching a show. You decide to get naked and you go at it and you say good night. And, you know, maybe we'll do it again.

Who knows? I don't know. But you got to admit there's kind of a charm and an innocence and a... I don't know. A bit of chivalry. to the whole, you know, working your way up there, wooing a woman, taking her out on dates. I mean, most kids are probably like, God, all these,

God, this is the seventh time I've seen her. Why haven't we done it already? Why can we have just done it that first night when I picked her up at her parents' house and we just ran in her tool shed and did it in the wheelbarrel? God. How many McDonald's Big Macs and fries do I have to sit through before I get some?

Doesn't you know my pimples are popping? So there you go. And if you want to check out the rest of the song, it's actually a really cool song. Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf. Might be worth a download. It's a lot of fun. And on top of it, it's a kick-ass song. So there you go.

I'll take a little break here, and I've got to make some phone calls and see if anybody's DTF during the break. Roger, throw to a commercial, buddy. Fresh is a walk through the woods on an early spring morning. Fresh is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise. Fresh is simple with summer's Eve, the most convenient disposable douche you can buy. This exclusive one-piece unit means a. nothing to assemble and it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water the solution doctors recommend with summer's eve freshness has never been simpler i'll tell you what is simple though

minding your own business is simple this happened to me the other day and let me know if this has happened to you wild cats um you ever have one of these situations where you're driving you're driving around and maybe you accidentally roll through a stop sign or you took a turn too quickly or you went over a speed bump too fast or something related to your driving skills and there's someone like standing on the side of the road or there's someone in another vehicle and they go berserk they start waving their arms and miming stuff and yelling and you can't go through that stops on like that. Suddenly they're like driving school teachers or they're the police.

They're the citizens police or something. This is what happened to me the other day. I was going down this road in a community and they put speed bumps up, which are the most annoying things on the planet. If I lived on a street and there was a speed bumps, a bunch of speed bumps put up, I'd move, man. I'm like, I don't want to, every time I come home, I don't want to, like, go through an obstacle course with my car. I just want a nice, smooth ride and pulling my driveway.

I don't want to, I don't want to have to slow down and speed up and go over a giant bump and then down again. I'd rather have my kids get hit by a car than go through this. So anyways, I'm going through this community. And, of course, whenever there's speed bumps, they're like, speed bumps ahead. speed limit three right they think because there's speed bumps they want you to like slow down like go negative they're like speed bumps ahead please put your car in neutral get out and push it down the road until you get through the speed bumps we cannot have you going fast and what's interesting is speed bumps are very different some speed bumps are tight and high and rounded and you really do have to slow down when you go over them or you're going to, like, rip out your undercarriage. And then some speed bumps are a joke.

They're like five feet long, and they're kind of flat, and they're almost not that much difference from going up over a little hill. They're smooth, and they don't really cause much impact at all. So I was in one of those neighborhoods where they had the great big speed bumps that were like five feet long, and I'm like, well, I'm not going to slow down to 20 miles an hour. So I'm cruising over these speed bumps that probably double the speed at 40.

I'm in a big SUV. And I'm like, whoop he do, wamp, wamp, wamp, I'm going over them. And here's come some guy in his truck pulling out of his driveway. Or some guy in a, it was like an electrical vehicle. Like some guy was doing some contract work at someone's house. and he pulls out of the driveway. He's coming out face first, so he's not backing out. He's coming out with his front end first.

And he sees me coming, and he sees I've got a little bit of speed. I'm not like tearing through the neighborhood, but I'm probably going a little bit faster than I should. And I come up towards the speed bump, and suddenly I see this guy with a beard, this older guy in a beard sitting in his yellow electric truck. And it's like, suddenly I'm watching a production of Shakespeare in the park. I mean, I've never seen so many antics and mimes and body language.

It's like this guy was auditioning for Cirque de Soleil, as he's like waving his arms and pointing, and he's exasperated, and he's like, he's yelling and his face is contorted, and he's pointing out his window. And I felt like if I could just go inside his truck in that moment, I would hear, Hey, what the hell you know? There's a speed bump here. What are you doing? Slow down.

Oh, my God. There's children in the neighborhood. You're going to screw up your truck. Come on, slow down. What are you doing? Right? I can almost hear the guy yelling and screaming, and he was so worked up over this little speed bump. And I'm just, I got so annoyed.

He's like, come on, dude, chill out. Who are you? What are you, the director of planet Earth? What does God drive an electric truck? Settle down there, Nellie Frittato. God, the hell. It looked like this guy. It looked like a vein in his temple was going to pop

and, like, blood was going to start spurting out. He was just going to be, like, having a convulsion and a seizure on the front seat. Well, I wailed over a speed bump that was, way too big. His arms flying around, almost like, you know, like if you were standing in a, in a field and a plane was coming in for a crash and some guy stood up in the field and started waving his arms going, no, no, don't crash here, no! It's just like ridiculous reaction from this guy.

So everybody, just calm down. It's not like you can change it. It's not like, you know, once you kind of come up on these people, the moment is there. Like, you've already got your speed, you've already got your intention, you've already got your momentum. It's not like you can just like slam on the brakes in that nanosecond. And also you're confused by the person. Wait, why is this person, who are they, who is this? Why are they yelling and waving?

And then by the time you commit your heinous act, You figured out, you go, oh, that's some weirdo who's got a pickle up his butt. Mr. Aynol here doesn't want anybody having any driving infractions, at least not on his street. And then you go, that's that guy. Well, too bad. I've already passed you, dude. Have fun yelling. I'll see at the stroke ward at our mother of St.

Traffic Cone. How about that? so everybody just relax if you got a real problem if someone's like tearing through your neighbor at 900 miles an hour with their car on fire and their

head is like a flaming skull and there's a baby tied to the roof screaming with a pitchfork through its belly okay call the police or something but outside of that m y O B. Mind your own business. And P.S. Are you a DTF?

Life itself seems lunatic. Who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical as madness. To surrender dreams, this may be madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness. The maddest of all. To see life as it is and not as it should be. Yes, I totally agree, old boy.

Well, that brings us to the end of the show with a ranting, raving, you know, crazy traffic thing. But let's talk about what's coming up. Oh, my gosh, oh, my golly. Hey, don't forget you can catch me this Saturday. Okay, if you're on the east coast of Canada in New Brunswick, in Moncton, New Brunswick. be flying out there to do a comedy festival called the Hubcap Comedy Festival and going to be doing a great big theater out there. You can go to Harlan Williams.com and get the ticket information on my stand-up comedy schedule. John Wing Jr. will be on the bill with me and it's going to be

a really good time, really good show. So get your tickets. It's probably going to sell the hell out. and we're going to have a blast. Also, the following week, if you're in Los Angeles, I will be at the Ontario Improv, not Ontario, Canada, Ontario, California, which is just outside of Los Angeles. I'm going to be there February 13th to the 16th, doing the old stand-up, so please come on by and catch the kid doing a schtec.

down there we're going to have a really good time and then what else is coming up boy oh boy I guess in early late February I'll be down in San Diego at the American Comedy Company in San Diego that's that's going to be February 27th to March 2nd I love that club great club down there great crowd Great city. So come on down to the American Comedy Club in San Diego at the end of February the 27th. Again, all these comedy dates you can find on my website at Harlan Williams.com. Well, you're there.

Check out the Harlan Highway store. We have DVDs. We have music. We have artwork. We have T-shirts. All kinds of wild stuff. So please get in there. and buy some stuff that'll make you laugh, Lurdles and Nertl Blurgens.

Please subscribe while you're there to my YouTube channel. All you've got to do is hit subscribe, and we are working on a lot of goofy, funny videos. It's totally free. You can hit the subscribe button on my website page, harloweems.com, and you'll get all these wacky videos. Also, while you're there, you're going to see an Amazon link uh if you happen to be wanting to buy anything on amazon go to harland williams

dot com and get to amazon by clicking on it through my website and uh they actually kick us back a few little bucks and that just helps you know throws a little bone our way here at the harland highway to cover uh some expenses and stuff as you know i don't really have sponsors so uh that would be a you know big help to uh to make a get a little bit of dough coming this way. And so, yeah, Amazon.com at harlom-Williams.com. Click on the link. Tell your friends about the highway, ladies and gentlemen.

And, you know, we want to get everybody on here listening, having a laugh. And also check out all things comedy. ATC.com. That's the Comedy Podcast Network, where you can also find this podcast, along with many other ones. And there you go. That's all we have time for today, ladies and gentlemen. And make sure you check out my new movie.

Back in the day, you can download it on iTunes. Really funny new movie about a high school reunion. And me and my buddies getting into trouble there. So check it out. And until next time, I'll see you by the dashboard light, having a big bowl of chicken. Chalmy, baby? Here he goes to three players.

I want to be close. Here's the throw. Here's the play in the face. Holy, now I think he's going to make it. I've got to know right now. Before we go any further, do you love me?