The Harland Highway - 552 - Harland gets pulled over by a COP. Samuel E. Quouk reads love letters.

Episode Date: February 6, 2014

Did Harland get a ticket from the police or not? Tune in to find out. Samuel E. Quouk drops by and reads his horrible love letters, and Harland recommends a classic Christopher Walken movie. Muffle my tuffle! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. Who sings about spices? I guess Simon and Garfunkel did. Cinnamon nutmeg, paprika, and cilantro. I don't know. Why does parsley, rosemary, and time get picked? Anyways, welcome to the show, ladies, and fnurtle doggins. Great show.

You are going to hear me get pulled over by the police once again and let's see what happens will i get a ticket won't i get a ticket will i get thrown in jail won't i get thrown in jail i don't know i recorded my police pullover and uh you get to hear it and see what the uh what the outcome was um also i've heard rumor that a really horrible guest is going to be here in studio samuel e qualk the the writer guy apparently quote writes love letters. More like Hellraiser letters. So I'm not sure if he'll be here or not.

I hope not. And then we're going to read a letter from a pavement ponder. And it's going to be a fun show. Plus, I'm going to recommend a really cool horror movie from the 1970s starring Christopher Walkin. It's a great movie. We're going to talk about it. And much more here on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week, quit smoke. I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you. Like I picked the wrong week, quit drink. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice, steak. Fish? Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny?

Funny how am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha Pintasai. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quick shit and do. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's start the show Lurtles and Blurtled Durgens with a letter. Let's dip into the minute.

Just one letter. I'm not going to go through all of them. Let's see what we got. We got, here we go. This is from Kyle Wright. Kyle Wright. Harlan, Buddy. I love you, buddy, and can't wait to see what project you're going to dominate.

If you could do one thing for me and many others, I must assume, bring in my fave poet Samuel E. Quowke. Oh, God. No, no, no, no, no. Kyle Wright, you're Kyle wrong about that. what else does he say here uh mr featherstone is on my list so is cinnamon boy charles parsley lost my shit when i first heard him do the london olympics keep up the good work my canadian brethren from another gremlin then brackets you wrote i'll leave the comedy to you well that

wasn't bad kyle uh canadian brethren brethren from another gremlin doesn't really rhyme but sort of, in a Canadian way. And then, of course, being Canadian, he says, thank you very much. You know, us Canadians try to be very, very polite. That's how we're raised. And then he writes, pavement pounder, Kyle, in Vancouver.

Hey, thank you, Kyle. Thank you for the letter. I'm glad you liked the show. Glad you like the characters. But no, no, no. We'll not have Samuel Quout on. He's not a poet. But he, you know what I don't like the guy?

A, he's creepy, okay? He claims to be like some kind of like, maybe he is poetic and he seems to think he's some kind of wordsmith. He thinks he knows how to pen romantic letters is I think what he says. And so we've had him on for some Valentine shows and various things like that. And I hate to say it, but he sounds more like a sense. serial killer or something to me. I mean, his love letters always start fine and dandy and mushy and flowery, and they spiral into these nightmarish horrific scenarios where I just find the guy a complete creep.

And no, I'm sorry, Kyle. He will not be on the show anytime soon, if ever again. There's way better guests. There's way better people than Samuel E. Quowke. But thank you for writing in. I appreciate the letter. Folks, don't forget, you can write into our mailbag at harlomwilms.com. Or if you're shy about writing, and you'd rather leave a voice message,

323-739-4330 is the way you want to go. The ice is going to break. By the way, you've got to watch that movie. Here's my movie pick, okay? If you want to see a well-put-together movie, like just a, it's kind of like a slow-moving movie, but it's really cool, and it's one of these movies where all the pieces fit, everything comes together,

everything seems very real. It's not like movies nowadays where they just cut away from scenes. You know what? We don't need to show that part again. They won't remember. Yeah, let's cut from the guy. guy on the bulldozer to the beach scene in Acapulco.

It doesn't matter. People don't care. They just want to see bulldozers and they want to see beaches and then they're happy. Who cares about the middle stuff? But watch the Dead Zone. It's a movie based on a book that Stephen King did. And really done well. Christopher Walkins, the star.

And I've got to say. He does a really good job. I mean, he does a really, really good job as the lead actor in the dead zone. I know I'm not doing a very good voice of Christopher walking, but the ice is going to break. Do you know who I am? There, those are just little snippets. But watch the movie on many levels.

One, it's kind of scary and creepy and interesting, but watch the subtlety of Christopher Walkins acting. He keeps everything really low and kind of down and gentle and quiet. And it's just, man, it's just the sign of a mature, seasoned actor, which I hate to say we don't have a lot of these days. I mean, this guy, watch that movie and just enjoy the pace of it. and there's these great scenes where he has his ability to shake people's hands when he touches people or things related to people.

He has visions. He has these kind of premonitions. He can see the future of these people that he comes into contact with. And there's just some really neat scenes. And like I said, everything pieces together so beautifully. And as you're watching the movie, you feel like you're reading a good book or you're involved in a story. It's what I would call careful and methodical and well-thought-out mature filmmaking.

It's a David Kronenberg movie. Kyle, if you're still listening, a Canadian director. And really worth the watch. So there you go. Check it out. And here's something that's worth the listen, I guess. I yours truly got pulled over again. I think about a year ago I got pulled over. I think I told you the story.

I was on a residential street in a city street between two street lights that were literally probably, I don't. I don't know, 500, 400 feet apart. Maybe about 400 feet apart. It's one of those grids like in New York where every 400 feet you're at a light again. So in between the lights, a cop pulls me over because I changed lanes and didn't put my signal on. It's on one of the last podcasts from last year. And I recorded the cop coming to the window. And the guy gives me a ticket.

And, you know, I was in with like, it was rush hour, morning rush hour. Every car around me was buzzing around. Nobody who uses their signal when they're changing lanes in a busy city street during rush hour? It's not many. So the guy pulled me over and he gave me a ticket. And I was like, you know, most of the time when I get pulled over, not most of the time, but I'd say 50, maybe 60% of the time, the police recognize me. And a lot of the time they let me off.

I know you're probably like, you a bastard. Why can't I be let off? Well, go do a bunch of movies at the police like, and then you'll be let off. That's what it is. I had a cop let me go once. He goes, Mr. Williams, I'm going to tell you straight up. The only reason I'm letting you off is because in our house, we love watching Rocket Man. My son loves that movie.

He said it. He goes, that's the reason I'm letting you off. Okay? So here I am. I'm touring around. I'm down on some back road. Like, I am in, like, forest country, okay? And this was not too long ago.

And I'm driving a rental car, okay? I got one of these big, like, Chevy Tahos, the big, like, SUV, like, with a leather seats, it's a high-end SUV. And I'm not going to use this as an excuse, but sometimes when you're driving, A, a car that you're not familiar with or rental, You're not really familiar with the quirks and the habits and you're not used to the la-di-da, la-di-da thing and the feel. And also, I find with these big, big vehicles, they're engineered so well that, and they're so big, and the engines are so powerful, you kind of forget how fast you're going or you don't realize how fast you're going. You're kind of wailing down the road.

Okay, so here I am, as God is my mother. Wait, what? Is God my mother? I don't know. I mixed up the saying there, but as God is my mother, Harlan, your dinner is ready. I was on a back road through a pine forest. It was probably about a 20-mile stretch.

I think I passed two cars the whole time. Nothing there but trees. Okay? I didn't even look at the speed limit sign because I'm like, what's the point so i'm wailing along and as i'm getting closer to the first town on this forested like road um the sign the sign says you know it's warning you've got to slow down and i see that and i start to slow down but at this point i'm already going pretty fast

and all of a sudden a car comes around the corner wasn't a cop hidden or anything. It was a moving vehicle came at me and I could see it was a cop after a little bit and I go, oh, there's a cop. Well, lucky I started to slow down as I was coming into this town but sure enough, he lights

me up. He goes flying past me, does a U-turn, comes around, gets him behind me and pulls me over. And I'm like, oh God, come on, man. So he gets out of the car

and he walks up to the passenger window, which kind of threw me off a little. I'm sliding down the power window on my driver's side. He comes walking up on the passengers. I'm like, oh, okay, let's play, you know, let's play hide and go seek. Let's play, what's that game you do when you walk around the chairs and the music stop?

Musical chairs. So I slide down the window, and here's this. this younger officer, probably in his, I'd say, early 30s, and a friendly-looking guy. Before I can say anything, he goes, give me your license. I go, yep, here it is. And then he holds it up. He looks at me. And before he even looks at my license, he goes, no way, you're Harlan Freaking Williams.

And I went, yes, sir. And I said, hey, man, I'll be honest with you. I was slowing down as you pulled me, as you lit me up. He goes, I know, I saw you slowing down, but you were still way up here at this number. And I said, oh, man, you got to give me time to slow down. And he goes, yep, you were up there. And I said, I said, you know, this isn't an excuse, but I got this big truck. And of course, it's an excuse.

So he goes back and does his thing. And I'm thinking, oh, man, he recognized me. that's usually a good sign right it's like oh the guy he lit up he was happy he's like oh my god there's harlem williams you know and so uh i'm thinking oh maybe he's gonna cut me a break but then he's back there for a while he's sitting in his cop car and he's i guess he's fired up the computer and blah blah blah and and so uh now i'm thinking oh man does he is he seeing that's that ticket i got a year ago for doing the the lane change without the light does he think i'm uh I'm a maniac behind the wheel.

So he comes back and I'm like, you know, I'm going to flip on the old, I'm going to flip on the old recorder and just listen, you know, capture this conversation and see where it goes. So let me play it for you right now and join me in those tense last moments. It's like a game show where I'm waiting to see what the verdict is. Is he going to slap me with a ticket? Is he going to let me go? Hit the Jeopardy music, Raj.

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. All right. There's all your stuff back. Just giving you a warning on it today.

You are. Dude. Thank you, man. All right. Oh, you're the best. I apologize. Yeah, just try and keep her under control, man. Yeah.

All right. I really appreciate that, man. I apologize. Thank you so much. It's, you know, it's like I play a cop in a lot of movies. I'm like, I should know better. I should know better. All right.

Thank you for cut me a break. I appreciate it. I'll be on it, man. All right. Thanks. Take care, man. Thank you. Well, there you go.

Looks like I won that round of Jeopardy. And, you know, I'm not going to tell you where this was or the, the name of the officer or anything like that because I don't want the guy to get in trouble um and he won't I mean there's nothing wrong with giving uh people warnings I mean don't don't make I don't want to make it sound like I'm the special person here oh I'm the only one that gets warnings no no no no lots of people get warnings um and uh I've I've had them you know back in the day before I was even into movies and stuff I'm just saying a lot of times I get that little added extra edge, okay, which I don't mind.

You know, sometimes, you know, when you're well-known, you're eating a meal and you get bothered and people come to your table and want to take pictures and it can be frustrating and stressful because people know who you are, and that's not a good fun element to being well-known. But then there's the good side where sometimes when you're well-known, you get a little bit of leverage. It's kind of like, I think it happens with a lot of beautiful people.

Good looking men, good looking women. I have a sneaky feeling they get cut a lot of breaks in life too. So this is my little moment of being a haughty. And, you know, in my defense, if you're sitting there going, oh, God, look at this guy getting out of a ticket because he did a stupid movie. Well, you know what, if you really break it, down you got to think about it it's a crazy stressful world law enforcement is a grisly occupation i mean i'm telling you man i used to work for the cops okay back in the day and

uh i can tell you even in in my capacity limited capacity working for the police uh i saw and was exposed to incredible things and i'll tell you this and this isn't a knock on the police or on humanity, but when you're a cop, when you're a police officer, you are exposed to the lowest common denominator of human behavior and human evilness and human cruelty and you are running up against the vile sector of humanity when you're dealing with the criminal element and murders and suicides and oh my gosh there's a lot of psychological uh elements of play on on uh our men and women of law enforcement so if in my own defense i can say you know if if something i did alleviated some of that if something i did with my movies put a smile on their face made

them laugh and this is their little way of saying hey man thank you for that thank you i appreciate the humor, the laughter, and that's what they tell me a lot, you know, so I'm not, I'm not just making this up. I hear that from them, and that makes me feel good. And I'm not an entitlement guy. I'm not a guy that goes like, okay, well, when I get pulled over, I expect to be let go. Not at all, man. I'm willing to pay the piper.

I'll pay what's due, but if I get a little leg up or a police officer, you know, gives me a little, you know what, go ahead, because you gave me something in my life that meant something to me or gave me some happiness. You know what, I'll take that, ladies and gentlemen. I think you would too. Anyone sitting there rolling their eyes or being skeptical, I think you would take that little advantage.

Because we all know getting tickets is nauseating. It's, you know, embarrassing, it's humiliating. it's upsetting it's depressing it's it's expensive all that stuff so there you go a good ending on this round and um you know let's hope uh and i i really was sincere when i said i got to watch it because sometimes i i uh you know i forget what the speed limit is just like everybody and you kind of start looking out the window and hey look at that bird over there man you know you're suddenly a pass an indie racing car on your suddenly you're you're whipping past dale erinhardt junior or whatever his name is i don't know racing guys emerson fitopaldi

you know you speed by that guy i clearly don't know racing but those are two of the names that popped into my head all right let's move on man let's move the h on now if you're in a receptive state i'll recapitulate okay so i want to get into a very important topic this whole legalizing the marijuana thing is something this is something what hang on this whole why are you waving roger hold on my my producer roger is waving through the glass at me what who's here no no he's not no no no no no we're not having him in here. What do you mean? He's... Oh, God. No, don't let... Don't send him in. Samuel E. Quoak is not coming in here. Where is he? Oh, God. Hello. Oh, God. What are you doing here? I'm here to read one of my romantic letters,

if you don't mind. Yes, I do mind. I just finished talking about you. Oh, how pleasant. No, it wasn't pleasant. I don't want you here, okay? Well, I've been instructed by your boss, Mr. Featherstone. Oh, God. To come down here and read one of my romantic letters. Do you mind? What is that? This is my romantic letter, if you don't mind. My boss sent you down here to... That's right, Mr. Featherstone, a very fine gentleman of high character and more... Don't give me a list of where that guy is. I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon.

What do you want? I'm here to read one of my romantic letters to the audience. Oh, God. Roger. Do your mind, please. All right, well, hurry up and don't make it creepy the way you do. Do you mind. Would you mind?

giving me an introduction please no i'm not giving you an introduction please don't say please like that please stop it i don't like that please give me an introduction do not say please that way please would you mind please ladies and gentlemen here he is with his flower and it looks like kyle right is getting his wish. Yes, hurry up. Okay. Here to read one of his romantic letters, quote unquote. Is romantic writer?

Thank you. Thank you very much. Is romantic writer-poet, linguist, Samuel E. Quoak. Thank you very much. If you don't mind, I'll get started. Go ahead! Thank you. Dear Bertha,

It's winter time now, and I'll never forget the time we snuck away to the log cabin behind everybody's back. We were at a social function in the village, and all the people were clamouring around. You could see their breath hanging in the air in the cold February afternoon. I winked at you from the cart, and the horses got a little bit restless as if they recognized what was about to happen between us. You stealthily snuck away and climbed onto the back of the horse-drawn cart, and we slipped away down the country lane up to the old log cabin by the lake. Okay, and? Do you mind? and I'm getting my papers ready.

All right, you're in a... You're in a horse-drawn cabin. I'm in a horse-drawn carriage, sir. Do you mind? Go ahead, guy. Hurry up. I'll never forget as the snow began to fall through the pine trees,

as we slid silently through that forest road, covered in a white blanket of cold, icy slagulence. They were... Hold on, what is slagulence? Do you mind, please? If you do not understand words, that's not my problem. Slegelance!

Yes. Go ahead, Guy. Thank you very much. And then, we finally came around a bend, and there it stood. the log cabin beautiful picturesque snow stacked up on the roof like little children forming a human pancake at a play yard we slowly stopped the horses and you and I got out of the sleigh I swept you up in my arms and took you in the front door the air was cold inside and crisp but that didn't stop me from laying you down down on the bearskin rug where I ran back outside and began to chop firewood for the fire. I picked up the old axe from the porch. I set up some logs and started to split them, one, two, three, four after the other until we had a small stack as I went to bring the axe down on the last log.

I guess my hands were wet from the snow and the axe slipped from my grasp. It flew through the air. twirling, twirling like a ferris wheel on steroids. It smashed through the glass window, and I heard a large, loud, painful scream. I burst through the front door after running through the snow like a snow leopard with athletes' feet. I burst into the room, and there you were. My dear Bertha, standing in front of the fireplace with a large axe wedged in the middle of your skull. blood dripping down both sides of your nose onto your lips and all over the back of the bare skin rug

I could see your mouth hanging open in a silent scream your eyes wide with shock as okay whoa whoa whoa guy do you mind please yes I mind you're chopping firewood right yes and the axe your hands are all wet from the snow and slippery yes exactly and the axe goes flying out of your hand through the window yes it's smashed through the window and it lands in your girlfriend's face yes do you mind if i finish please

this is getting creepy already just like i said do you mind hurry up guy you make me oh thank you very much. As you stood there, frozen in fear at the front of the fireplace, the act hanging in your face, suddenly your brain seemed to reboot itself and you came alive, understanding the horror of your situation. You started stumbling around, screaming, and accidentally your foot went right down the throat of the giant grizzly bear's mouth of the bear's skin rug. His giant canine fangs puncturing through your boots.

You were unable to move. You were blood squirting from between your toes. You were screaming with an axe in your face and your leg in the mouth of a dead grizzly bear. You lost your footing and you stumbled into the wall. You smashed the wall with such reverberation that an elk's head that was hanging up above started to quiver on its stand. It shook loose. it careening from its high perch on the wall near the rafters. The antlers speeding towards your exposed body

and then like a watermelon stuffed into a cannon. The elk's antlers pierced through your rib cage and your chest plate. You couldn't scream because blood was gurgling out of your lungs. A giant deer head, the second largest of the deer family, the mighty elk. his whole head and his rack of antlers riddling your body as if being stabbed 700 times by the Duchess of Duke Street.

Okay, cut it out! I'm sorry. Are you... First of all, the Duchess of Duke Street? Who is that? Well, I'm afraid if you... No, I'm afraid you're going to stop, Guy. This is just...

She's got an axe in her head. Her feet are stabbed with grizzly bear teeth. She trips into the wall and a taxidermied elk head falls down and stabs her whole body up? Are you kidding me, Guy? Who wrote this Hannibal Lecter? Do you mind if I finish my romantic letter, please? Roger, do we... Rogers's holding up Mr. Featherstone's pitcher.

All right, hurry up, guy. up. This is vile. As you stood there with a giant elk's head sticking out of your chest, a grizzly bear on your leg and an axe in your face. You passed out, you fainted

and hit the gun bucket that was up against the other wall. A musket fell out and 1847 Civil War musket from the Spanish Armada. Somehow it must have been left loaded when it was purchased at the antique auction. The black gunpowder igniting in the chamber,

a giant cannon fodder ball coming out and blasting your rib cage off, bouncing off the wall, and hitting you in the back of the head like John F. Kennedy himself. And, all right! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That is pushing it too far.

So now she trips on a musket, and somehow it's loaded and it hits her in the ribs and then goes to her body bounces off the back wall and takes the back of her head out like, did you say John F. Kennedy? I told you, sir, I'm a fancy writer.

No, you're done. Get out of here. I've not finished yet. Out! I want you out. As your head fell open, your tongue wiggled up your nose and crisscrossed across your beagle eyes, your beagle eyes. Stop! What are you saying, beagle eyes for? Get out of here! Get out! Your legs curled up like Turkish toffee and started kicking your own breasts. Get out! Get them out, Roger! Your legs were like scorpion stink. Get out! Can you believe that guy, Roger? What the hell? That guy is disturbed, man.

Never again. Never again are we having this. guy in the studio. As she stumbled outside, a wild pack of coyotes and smelled the fresh blood pumping out of a body, their eats grabbed an appendage and ripped her apart. Get out of here! Their fangs sinking into a white, soggy blood-drenched flesh. Get out! What?

In the name of humaneers, What, in the name of humanity? Roger, never again. Unbelievable. I am so sorry, ladies and gentlemen. That is, that is, that is just unexcusable. Wow. I feel sick.

I'm going to have to end the show here because I feel queasy. I feel disturbed. and that's just horrible. I don't even think my Elvis-sounding cop friend who let me go would tolerate this kind of talk. Yeah, just try and keep her under control, man. Right? Didn't the cop that pulled me over sound like Elvis a little bit there?

Obviously, I'm doing anything to divert my attention from that horror show we just heard. Roger, I got to go up and talk to Featherstone about it. this guy you know other people get great guests on their show they get you know Brad Pitt and Conan O'Brien and George Clooney I get these care I get cinnamon boy and Samuel E. Quoak and who knows who else I got to fix something here anyhow if you want to laugh instead of throw up this weekend I will be at the hubcap comedy festival in Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada, Saturday, February 8th, going to be a great show. Go to my website, Harlan Williams.com, and you can click on my

stand-up comedy link, and you can get all the info and check while you're there if I'm coming to your town or city in the near future. All my, most of my dates are up there right now. We will be adding more, obviously, but check it out. please. While you're there, check out the store, Harlan Williams.com, buy all your crazy merchandise. And don't forget while you're at Harlan Williams.com to click subscribe down at the bottom. You want to join my YouTube channel. Putting up a lot of funny original YouTube programming, a lot of videos, crazy stuff. And when you subscribe, they come through to you automatically and you're the first to see them. So make sure you do that. It doesn't

cost to anything, and hopefully you get some free entertainment, just like this wacky podcast. But if you want to contribute to the podcast, there's a way you can do that. We have an Amazon.com link at Harlowwilliams.com. And if you're thinking about doing some shopping online at Amazon, just go to Harlowo Williams.com and click on the Amazon link on my page. It gets you to Amazon just the way as if you clicked and typed in Amazon.com. But the upside is we get a little kickback. We get a little like, I don't know, two, three bucks or something.

Every time somebody clicks through and there's a purchase made or something. So it helps cover our nut here at the Harlan Highway a little bit. As you know, we don't have any sponsors. So every little bit helps. That would be appreciated. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. And also, don't forget, February 13th to the 16th, I will be in Ontario, California at the improv.

That's going to be a blast. And then at the end of February, February 27th to May 1st, March 1st, I will be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co. Really great club. You've got to check that out. What else can I tell you, gang? Make sure you go to ATC.com, all things comedy. My podcast can be heard on that podcast.

Network, along with some other funny ones, Bill Burr, Al Magigal, some really, really funny guys. Jake Johansson's on there. Love that guy. And so check it out, man. Check that action out. And we are done, man. Sorry we had to end on such a gruesome note, but, you know, that's my podcast. What can I say?

So please tell your friends And thanks for being here everybody And until next time Chicken Chalemaine Baby Yeah just try and keep her under control man Man