The Harland Highway - 555- - Harland goes to DINOSAUR WORLD, and Dr. Ascot returns.

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

Harland travels back in time and walks amongst the dinosaurs, a call from a friendly Pavement Pounder, and an unexpected visit from Dr. Ascot. Sweet heavenly tonsil meats!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I keep your picture upon the wall. It hides a messy stain that's lying there. I don't know how the stain got there, but it's okay. Hey, welcome to the Harlan Highway, ladies and gentlemen. So good to have you here. It's just Wonderbar. What a show. What a show, what a show.

We're going to have a great time today. Today I'm going back in time How about that, gang? How many podcasts do you listen to where your host goes back in time? Yeah, I'm going back to visit with the dinosaurs on this podcast. Wait to you here. I've got some live recordings of a time from a different time and a different place. Unbelievable.

Also, we're going to take a call from one of our pavement pounders here today. a voicemail from the Harland Highway answering machine. And sadly, sadly, I believe Dr. Ascot will be coming by for me to do my on-air therapy session because the powers of B think I'm unstable and if I don't do the therapy sessions on the air, they have to shut me down. I'm a liability.

So put your swimsuit on. We're going back in time. Jump into the time machine here. At the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harlan Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you.

It's like I picked the wrong week, quit smoking. I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you. Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar.

It wasn't we had three. dinner tonight well we had a choice steak fish yes yes i remember i had lasagna what do you mean funny funny how am i funny like i picked the wrong week when i'm fed of me she's got a thought for samantha think of the harland highway it's the wrong week christmas drew her doctor grant my dear doctor satchel welcome to jerusalem park Okay. Okay, Roger, cut it off. Roger, cut it off. Okay, I wasn't exactly in Jurassic Park, but let me tell you where I did go.

Oh, and it was just like Jurassic Park. I went to, I was peddling around in Florida, and I'm going down a highway in the middle of nowhere, and all of a sudden I see a big billboard for dynamic. I'm like, oh my God, they got a big statue of a T-Rex, like a, you know, 80-foot-high statue of a T-Rex. I'm like, oh, man, I got to get myself to Dinosaur World. Are you kidding me? So that's what I did. I pulled off the highway.

Gats to go to Dinosaur World Player. and I get out at Dinosaur World and, you know, you walk in and immediately you're confronted with a gift shop, just full of stuffed toys on one side of toys and plush toys and dinosaurs and puzzles and plastic and rubber toys. They don't look really all that well made either. There's dinosaur toys where the detail's really good, and you're like, oh, wow. And then there's dinosaur toys where you're kind of like, yeah, this one has crossed eyes, and there's like a blob of paint all over its nose. So then on the other side of the gift shop, and this gift shop's huge.

It looks like a Home Depot in there. It's more like the scientific side where they're selling like fossilized. dinosaur bones and raptor claws and all this cool stuff and I drift over and I'm seeing all these fossils still in the rock and then I look closely and there's one of those little tiny gold stickers about the size of a tic-tac says made in China and I realize all these like fabricated fossils are just like made out of like plastic they're like fake dinosaur foxes and It's like, I'm not sure you get bragging rights when you have a fake dinosaur It's like, hey, look at this. This is from, it's not from the Jurassic era. It's not from the Paleozoic era, but it is from just last year out of a warehouse in China where kids made it.

Yeah, this is a rare Chinese plastic, this raptor claw. Don't get it away from that candle, it'll melt. You can't look at it that close. So I go out into Dinosaur World, and I'm not expecting live dinosaurs. It's a dinosaur. But I'm expecting, you know, big giant statues. And I got them. There were, like, big giant statues of dinosaurs all over the place.

And they kind of had them, you know, all in this wooded area, this Florida-like swamp land. So it looked very authentic. All the dinosaurs were nestled, you know, in the woods and next to rivers. and swamps and there was cypress trees with moss hanging off them and uh all very authentic now again the giant dinosaurs again if you're going to open a world called dinosaur world and your main attraction of the dinosaurs you might want to hire a good artist the dinosaurs uh were mixed some of them looked good some of them looked maybe like they were downs,

dinosaurs, you know, from the Down syndrome period or something. Like their faces were a bit wide, maybe their eyes a bit too close together. Something looked off, okay? And I'm not knocking down syndrome, kids, but there's no other way for me to describe to make a comparison.

Like these, you know, a down person syndrome person looks the way they look, and that's the way it is. That's the way God made it. And these recreations of dinosaurs, they looked off. They looked kind of, some of them looked down syndromey, okay?

Um, and then a few of them were like worn out. There were like holes through them. But for the most part, I'd say they did a pretty good job. And they had them in good poses. And they had them like nestled in, in the jungle.

So it was kind of neat to walk through them. and I guess they were scaled up to size, so you kind of got a good feeling of how massive these things are. I mean, just gigantic animals, like, you know, seven times the size of a full-grown elephant. You know, just insane. But here's where this swampy Jurassic world took a weird turn. I think if you're going to create the ambiance of a,

place in time that's a hundred million years ago. I'm pretty sure they didn't have freeways back then. And here's where it got a little unauthentic for me is I'm standing there under the belly of a giant T-Rex, and I can see 18 wheelers and people and convertibles going by in the background. It's like the highway. was literally about 100 feet from the perimeter of dinosaur world. So here you're supposed to be in this throwback world

and trying to imagine what it's like to walk amongst the dinosaurs. And there's the Florida rush hour going by. Some guy in an 18-wheeler delivering cabbage to Walmart. Well, I stare at a woolly mammoth and a velociraptor. I mean, nothing takes the edge off of the threat of a T-Rex bearing down on you. Then when you see a convoy of Priuses, dodge neons, and smart cars go by, it just kind of pops the bubble on the whole illusion. And let me play a little recording of kind of how it sounded.

I decided I'd take an audio sample of me stepping back millions of years, hundreds of millions of years, into Dinosaur World with a modern-day freeway right behind their asses. Well, here I am at Mysterious Dinosaur World. And I don't know if I'm. if you can hear the Jurassic Highway in the background. There's an 18-wheeler, just behind the Dilapidon's head. We're right beside a major highway,

and I'm literally standing underneath a family of, I don't know what they're called, Deropadons or something, They're looking way up. These things, their necks are taller than like 40 drafts. And there's some little baby ones here. I got to tell you, nothing like standing in the shadow of dinosaurs with a major freeway going by in the background. It just really drives home the whole Jurassic era.

Um, yeah, I'm, I'm worried not about being killed by a dinosaur. I'm worried about a car careening off the road and hitting a brontosaurus in the neck. Okay? All right. So there it is. There I am in the middle of dinosaur world with the traffic going by. And one of the things that, uh, that really threw me off when I got into this place, as well as the convoys going past

was when I first got in, you know, most theme parks you go to Disneyland, you got Mickey and Minnie and Pluto and Donald Doc and goofy. They're all in these really immaculate costumes. You go to Knottesbury Farm and it's the Peanuts Gang and Scooby-Doo. You know, they really take the time and the effort to make great costumes. I go into this place and almost indefinitely. Instantly, I see a person, a woman in a dinosaur costume, if you can call it that.

She was wearing roller skates, had a rubber mask of a T-Rex on, had this horrible body suit, and then a tail that was hanging but didn't even look attached to the body. and like these scaly gloves. And it just, it looked worse than a half-assed homemade Halloween costume. And I'll tell you that it looked like a sickly, horrible dinosaur. It looked like leukemosaurus or something. It looked like a, if a dinosaur had leukemia, this was it. This was Maximus plurbius leukeas.

hemiosaurus or something. I mean, this thing looked like it was dying of cancer. And just horrible. And she rolled up on a bunch of kids, and the kids were just looking at her like, what the hell's going on here? What are you? And then she, you know, I start walking through the park

and somehow she, you know, I'm the only one walking through this place because there's hardly anyone there. Somehow she gets in behind me and is like rolling behind me. And I'm like, I can hear you. your roller skates, Leukemiosaurus. Stop, what are you sneaking up on me? Like, and then we get on like this wooden bridge with a bunch of two-by-fours,

and she's like, kick-k-k-k-k-k-starts clacking along. It's just horrible. So, you know, not a top-notch attraction. It's interesting. I think a kid would be mesmerized by it. But as an adult, and you look at artistic quality and the craftsmanship. It's kind of a low-end place. I'd say the forest, the jungle, whatever it was,

was done better because it grew naturally, I guess, than the actual carvings or, you know, whatever they were. But one final interesting note that I thought was kind of ironic and really cool is as I stand in there looking at these giant lizards in this wooded area all of a sudden on one of the posts there were a bunch of posts lining the walkway sitting there clung to one of the posts was a real lizard

a little tiny guy probably about three and a half inches long like a little gecko or something I don't know the species but I thought I just stood there and I looked at and I reached down and touched it And it kind of skittered away. And I thought, wow, what a, what a weird planet we live on. You know, to go from lizards that are the size of apartment buildings.

And now here, and they all died, but yet here's this little tiny guy, the length of a cigarette. And he's still living and breathing and doing his thing. And by the way, what's he thinking in dinosaur world? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy.

I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harlan.

A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You got to figure this kid's delusional. He goes, gee, someday I'm going to grow up and be just like these guys.

Right now I'm just a little boy. but one day I'm going to be 95 feet tall. I can't wait. I want to be a dentist. I'm going to grow up and I'm going to be big. I'm not going to be this tiny little guy forever. Oh no. Just wait.

I can almost feel my bones growing. Can't wait. Why don't you guys ever talk to me? Is it because I'm too small? And why are you always in the same spot all the time? Why am I the only one moving around in here? What's happening? Oh, well, it doesn't matter.

I'm going to be a giant one day. Yeah, right, kid. Probably going to get eaten by a blue jay in about half an hour. So there you go. My little trip to dinosaur world, I recommend it. I'm not going to dump on the place, but it is a little, it's cheesy. It's not your high-end Disney World type of craftsmanship, but it's a fun amusement. It did effectively take me back in time

and make me think of being in that world, that prehistoric world. So I'm grateful for that. I'm a dinosaur fan. So check it out. Dinosaur world down in Tampa, Florida. Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sartre, welcome to Jurassic Park. Hello. Hello?

Yo, Harlan, Tony from Milwaukee. I've been listening to your show for a long time now, But I got caught behind. I ended up falling off around October, so I missed like three months. Now I'm trying to get all the last three months in. And I was just going to call and say that. You know, every time I'm feeling shitty or whatever, thinking about how things aren't going great in life or whatever,

I listen to your show and I always get a great laugh. And, I mean, you're the man, dude. Just keep doing what you're doing. Also, I listened to your, one of the podcasts where you're talking about, link, and I was cracking up the whole time, but I listened to most of your podcasts as I'm laying in bed before I go to sleep, and I had a dream that I was in a public bathroom, and I pulled a brick-sized piece of lint out of the paper tall dispenser, and I ended up waking up, really getting a good laugh about it, so I just want to call and let you know that your stuff really resonates, man. So, all right, take care, buddy. Well, I will take care, buddy. Thank you, Tony, from Milwaukee. What a wonderful phone call.

Thank you so very, very much. Glad it resonates with you. Glad it puts a smile on your face. That's the whole thing behind this podcast, man. I love to know that there's people out there listening and out of nowhere. you can make them laugh and have a good time. So thank you so very much for that feedback. And as far as your dream goes, holy smokes,

that's a heavy one, man. Maybe the next time I'm with Dr. Ascot for one of my sessions, I'll ask him about it or bring up dreams because a brick-sized chunk of lint. I mean, if I'm interpreting that, Tony, it means that maybe you want to live in a house of lint. It's like the first brick. It's like Eskimos, when they cut out a brick of ice in the snow.

You've somehow got such a passion, such a love for soft, fluffy, wonderful lint that you're starting to dream about constructing a lint house. Brick by linty brick. and uh i mean god help you if it rains you're going to absorb so much water if it gets windy or think of the the invitation to the mice and the rats who want to nest in your soft little brick exterior and interior and oh but oh god what a warm fuzzy little house i mean you wouldn't be able to have a fireplace because you'd burn down in about three seconds but uh

whew i like it well thank you for the call tony uh keep on listening tell your friends about the harland highway and uh hey man we'll keep uh we'll keep grinding away here putting a smile on your face as you're falling asleep wait what i listen to most of your podcast as i'm laying in bed before i go to sleep well okay okay uh fair enough if i if i can uh make you you go to sleep with a smile on your face that's good enough for me buddy keep on listening thanks again and if you want to call and leave a message for yours truly

it's easy to do uh you don't have to talk to anyone it's just an answering machine so you can leave uh whatever comment you want go to 323 739 43 30 and uh and i'll be there i'll be there uh well i won't be there but my voice will be there telling you how to leave a message in case you don't know how to leave a message hello alland what what are you doing here i heard you call my name arland what i didn't call your name dr ascot i heard you talking about dream anxiety arland okay but i wasn't

i heard you say i'll talk to dr askott i heard you say i'll talk to dr Scott, about my dream anxiety, Arland. Okay, I did say that. Quote, unquote. What? Quote, unquote. Don't say quote unquote to me. Quote, don't say unquote to me, unquote.

Stop with the fancy word games. Holland, tell me about your dream anxiety, Arland. Are we going to do this? right now? Arlen, you know you have to do your on-air therapy sessions. Yes, but I wasn't planning for it right now. As Isosceles once said, Arland, now is as good as ever. Isosceles?

Yes, Alan, a Greek philosopher. Isn't Isosceles like a measuring tool like an isosceles triangle? Carry on, Arland. Well, God. God, what is... Carry on, Holland. Don't drag my name out. Holland.

All right, my dreams. Let's get this over with. Yes, Holland. Tell me about your dream anxiety. Well, I have dreams at night like everyone else, I guess. Exactly, Holland. And I guess in them I feel like there's no sense. of grounding, there's no sense of points of reference, they're so ambiguous and strange

and delusional that I feel helpless in my dreams. It's a common theme, Holland. Well, I just I feel discombobulated and I wake up panicky and even when I'm in the dreams I feel panicky

and insecure and I understand all and that's because life is a very complicated scatter process, Holland. Well, I guess I could agree with that, and your dreams just exemplify all the scatteredness in your real-life, Holland.

Um, okay, I'll buy into that, Dr. Ascot. Exactly, Holland. Life is like a crab cake. What? A crab cake? Life is like crab meat, Holland. And you have to bring it all together and push it all into one pile, Holland, like a crab cake. Well, that's an interesting analogy.

I guess, yeah, we've got all kinds of different things going on in our lives, and life can get fractured, I guess. Exactly, Holland. And if you bring everything together, compress it into a pile, like a delicious crab cake, Holland. Yeah, like a crab cake with lemon juice on at Holland. Well, let's not get too elaborate here, but, okay, I think I see that. You see, Holland, life goes around and around in a circle.

Well, okay, I've heard that said before. Around and around, like a delicious, deep-battered calumari ring, Holland. Well, like a circle, there's a lot of things that are a circle shape, but none more delicious than a lightly browned, deep-battered, fresh calumari ring, Arland. Well, okay, it's a ring, I get it. A calumari ring, Arland. Okay, a calamari ring, God! You see, life can be a prickly affair, Arland.

Yes, I agree with that. It's very, very prickly, like a sear. in alland at a delicious seafood restaurant um okay it's prickly but at the end of the day alland life is like a cocktail one must drink it up yes okay there you're on to something a cocktail a delicious shrimp cocktail alland well okay hold on big plump juicy tiger shrimp from the bottom of the Caspian Sea, Alland. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, all, all, Holland.

What is with all the seafood references? I'm not sure what you mean, Arland. Well, you keep saying life is like a crab cake and a deep-battered calamari ring and a delicious shrimp cocktail. From the bottom of the Caspian Sea, Yorland. Okay. It's prickly like a sea urchin?

Yes, Holland. Life is like a big giant seafood buffet, Holland. Okay. A big seafood buffet. I thought you just said buffet. I changed it to buffet, Holland. It's buffet. Buffet.

Buffet. Buffet. Buffet. Buffet. buffet, Alland. Oh, and what is that foam box on your lap? What, Arland?

There's a big, it looks like a takeout box on your lap. Well, I'm glad you asked, Arlen, let me just pull this open. What the hell is that? Nothing, Arlen. Now, let's continue. That looks like a lobster. Arlen, let's continue with your

therapy. Tell me more about your discombobulated, delicious red snapper dreams. Red snapper dreams? With a nice marmalade song. What's with all the seafood? Why is there a lobster on your lap? Olin, let's not let my dinner last night at the seafood buffet distract us.

Wait a minute. You went out to a seafood buffet? Buffet, Olin. You were at a seafood buffet last night? Oh, yes, Olin. you can eat. And you bring your leftovers here? It's just a lobster

Holland, a delicious three-pound lobster from the Atlantic coast. I don't care where it's from. Are we doing therapy here? Are we reliving your meal at the buffet? Bufet. At the buffet! Holland, I'm doing no such thing.

Would you pass me that melted butter, Holland? What do we... You're not even... You don't even care about my dreams. You're just... You're just getting off. You've got some kind of seafood buffet fetish. Buffet, Alland.

Do you have me those nut crackers, please? What do you mean? Thank you, Allent. Now, let's continue. What is that? Please continue with your dreams, Allend. Your deep-fried fish and chips dreams. What are you cracking the...

Don't eat... lobster while we're talking? Holland, I'm on my lunch break. Are you telling me you came in here to eat your leftovers for lunch and pretend it's a therapy session? Holland, mind? I'm trying to eat

the tail. Get out of here. Holland. Get out. Go eat your lunch in the cafeteria. The chairs are much nicer and softer in your studio, Holland. You... Get out of here! I'm not letting you... sit here and eat your lobster.

Stop cracking that stuff. Stop it? Holland, I'm not cracking it. I heard it cracking. Holland. There it is again. Stop it. Get out of here.

Holland, it is really nice in here to eat seafood. Get out! Go to the cafeteria! Using my time to pretend you're doing a therapy session so you can eat your damn stupid seafood. seafood buffet leftovers. Buffet, Allent. Get out!

Would you like a shrimp Papa, Arland? Get out! Holy God! What a moron. Roger? Thanks a lot for letting them in. I knew something was up.

Today wasn't my on-air therapy day. And suddenly he's here, right on Q, talking about pretending life is like seafood. So the guy can sit in my nice leather chair in my studio and eat is unbelievable. Can you just give me a heads up next time, please? What a dork. I apologize.

I'm going to end the show. I'm too irate now. And there's like, it smells like a fish tank in here, Roger. All right, let's get to some announcements. Again, I'm sorry for that. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Ascot. Let's see. What's going on?

This weekend, if you're kicking around Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, I'm going to be doing a show Saturday night, February 22nd, at the Melrose Improv on Melrose Boulevard, legendary improv, one of the original comedy clubs in the country. And lots of legends going in and out of there. great club eight o'clock show i'm going to have like three special guests on the show and uh it's going to be a lot of fun so uh go to harlan williams dot com and get your tickets uh or just click on my uh stand up schedule or go to uh improv dot com to get tickets and uh make sure you get them

because it's going to be packed pack it i say um and then what else can i do The following week, the following weekend, that'll be February 27th through Saturday, March 1st. I'll be in San Diego, California at the American Comedy Co. Incredible Club. Great city. Come on down and catch me ripping it up down there. That's going to be a great time. And then if you're in Dallas, if you're in good old Dallas, Texas, March 3rd. 13th through March 16th, I'll be at the Addison Improv, Addison Improv in Dallas, Texas. Again, you can see all these dates on my website at Harlan Williams.com.

Also go to ATC.com, all things comedy, which is the podcast network where you can find my podcast. It is good, good stuff. A lot of other funny comedians on there with podcasts. and uh what else make sure you subscribe when you go to my website subscribe to my youtube channel because we are posting lots of silly silly videos for your enjoyment and once you subscribe you'll be notified of any new videos that go up and uh it's it's a good time man it's a really good time okay yeah it's really cool um what else what else what else what else uh check out the store at harlornwilliams.com

and if you want to write to me, if you want to leave me an email, you can write me at harlunewilms.com or if you want to leave me a voicemail about anything, 323-739, 4330. That's 323-739, 4330. And eventually, if I like them, we put your calls and letters on the show, as you heard earlier in this show. show we played a pavement pounders call so you might get on there it's all about what tickles my fancy i don't uh pick and choose uh you know with any discrimination it's just uh whatever kind of catches my attention i'll put it on there uh love hearing from you guys love having you here at the show thank you so much for being here be sure to tell your friends

send them a link or uh whatever to the harland highway podcast love to get people last and being exposed to Dr. Ascot? Oh, and get out of here. I've got some deep fried cod fillets, Alland. Get out! So that's it for today, gang. I hope you had a great time. I'll see it, Red Lobster.

And until next time, chicken chamein with extra shrimp, baby. Now you're really getting into the groove, Arland. Get out!