The Harland Highway - 556 - VIAGRA gone WRONG, phone calls from listeners.

Episode Date: February 20, 2014

Viagra is used where it shouldn't be used, phone calls from the Pavement Pounders, and a special sitcom announcement. Grab a grunch!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bubba bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, hello, ladies and gentlemen, it's Harlan Williams. You are here on the Harlan Highway podcast with me. So happy you're here from the bottom of my heart. So happy. What a show we have for you today? Well, we're going to give you some giggles, some stuff to think about, what have you? we're going to be taking some of your phone calls. We have some real interesting calls. People were quite fascinated with the whole lint thing. I admitted I came out the other week and said I have a thing for pulling lint out of the lint trap. And boy, oh boy, a lot of people jumped on the lint bandwagon. So we're going to be taking some of their calls, listening, and, you know, discussing. as well as a few other topics.

We talked about LOL and using the N-word, things like that. I got some phone calls about that. And we're also going to be talking about a very, very strange horse race, okay, where something was very horny about a horse race. Way to you hear this story. Also, a special announcement about my TV show. Did my sitcom come back, or did it not? I'm going to let you know at the end of the show.

Buckle up. This is the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week. Quit smoke.

I'm funny how. I mean, funny like I'm a clown. I am usual. Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking. I make you laugh. I'm here to feel. fucking amuse you You're riding down

the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight Well we had a choice Steak Fish Yes yes I remember I had lasagna

What do you mean funny Funny how how am I funny It's like I picked the wrong week To quit am fit of me She's got a thought for Samantha To say Welcome to the Harland Highway Get the wrong week

Quit shit and grew Then I'll use that voice That you find annoying And say something like yeah intelligent input, darling, why don't you just have another beer then? Then you'll call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed and I won't give a shit. Hello? You know, Holland, you're right about the lint coming out of the dryer.

It's oddly satisfying when you get to pull it off and it's one single contiguous sheet of lint off of that screen and it's nice and flat and pristine now i live in an apartment building so i get various colors of lint now there's another very little known use for lint and that is you can take an egg crate and fill it with molten wax put the lint in each one when it dries when the wax hardens you just made some really nice little fire starters Lint Firestarters. And if you get different colored lint, why, you know, it can just be really festive.

And thanks for your podcast, Arlen. I love it. Well, thank you so very, very, very much. And who knew there were so many uses for Lint? Well, he gave us one example. But when I did my whole podcast about Lint the other week, I didn't realize there was a bunch of lintophiles out there. That's right.

lintophiles. It's a new word. I got a lot of calls and letters from you folks, from the pavement pounders. Oh, my gosh. There's people that like the lint the way I do. It's very weird. But the concept of putting lint in an egg carton, an empty egg carton, and dripping wax

and making lint smoothies or whatever they're called, or lint I don't know, lint treats, if you will, and using them to start a fire. I mean, that's a lot of work, maybe, to start a fire in your fireplace. I mean, I would probably just throw a match. I don't know if I'd, you know, follow a lint recipe and, you know, go to all the trouble of laying them down in egg cartons and, you know, pouring hot wax. and don't you have to light a candle to create the hot wax? Wouldn't it just be easier to take the match you were using

to light the candle, to do all the dripping, to just throw it in the fireplace and light the fire? You know, whatever. I like the creativity, though, I must say. But my goodness, one thing did weird me out about your call. listen to what you said here and this did not sit right with me I live in an apartment building

so I get various colors of lint no no no no no no no wait wait wait wait wait wait wait when I talked about pulling the lint out of your lint screen I said your lint screen lint is very personal lint lint is a collection of all your little fibers and

filaments and dust bunnies and all the little they're all little pieces of you your clothing your skin your scent your all these clothes were up against your body you can't you can't have a lint blanket made with other people's lint oh oh that's like taking a shower and someone else's shower. That's like eating off of someone's plate after they've finished eating. No, no, no, no, no. Bad, bad boy. Bad, bad lint boy.

You're a bad lint boy. You go to your lint egg carton and you cover yourself in wax, you bad little lint boy. No more of that. That's, I don't know. There's something unsanitary about pulling other people's lint. It's got to be your own lint. At least that's my rule. Maybe you want to contest me on that.

It's a sanitary thing. I don't want you touching other people's lint. Ew. Ew. Oh, wah. But I do like, I like the idea of a rainbow lint pad. The excitement in your voice.

I get all kinds of different colors. of Lent. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, listen to this.

I live in an apartment building so I get various colors of Lint. Oh, yeah, man, various colors

of Lent. Various colors of Lint. Oh, my God. It's a Lint rainbow. Oh, oh, it's a

look at it. Look at it. It's a lint rainbow. Whoa, that's a full rainbow all the way. Double rainbow.

Oh, my God. It's a double rainbow all the way. It's Lint, dude. Whoa, that's so intense. It's lint. Whoa, man. Wow.

Dude. Whoa. Dude. Whoa. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Woo.

Dude. Oh. Wow. It's lint. Dude. Yeah. Oh. Oh, my, oh, my God, look at that.

It's starting to even look like a triple rainbow. Lint. Oh, my God, it's full on. Double rainbow all the way across the sky. Oh, my God. Okay, settle. It's lint from your lint trap. Oh, my God.

Dude. Oh, God. Come on, dude. What is this mean? It's lint. It's from your trap. Oh, my God. Really? It's a lint rainbow.

It's so bright. Stop it. Oh, my God. It's so bright and vivid. Stop. Oh, come on. Come on. It's a lint rainbow guy. It's so beautiful.

Oh, no. Stop it. Don't cry. Oh, no. No, please, don't, it's just lint. Please, please don't, it's just, it's not even your lint, it's apartment lint. It's not even yours. Just stop.

Let it out. Oh my god. You're okay? Oh my god, it's a double complete rainbow. Lint rainbow. Oh, my front yard. Oh, come on. Dude.

It means someone did their laundry. Okay? Too much. Tell me what it means. Someone did their laundry. Relax. You okay? Oh, my God.

breaths. It's so intense. I know. Take some breaths. Remember, it's just Lint. A bunch of people did their laundry, okay? That's what it means. You okay?

Oh, my God. Yeah. Are we done? Dude. There are his colors of Lint. Okay. That was too intense. No one should get that worked up over Lint, but surprisingly, we got other calls about Lint,

and you got to hear them. People love Lint. Hello, Arland, this is Brian, and you invited me to a linting bee or linting discussion as opposed to a quilting bee or quilting discussion. And I understand that you have a little bit of a lint fetish, which is fine. It gives you a sense of accomplishment to pull lint out of the dryer because it is as if you, as if you, You have gone over your clothes with a fine-tooth comb, and literally, and you have accomplished the collection of the rent from the clothes. So it is a sense of accomplishment, I am sure, and is a cheap one.

It's a very cheap sense of accomplishment. And one tip, if you use the fabric softener sheet, that you put into the dryer. If you use that, it assists greatly in removing B. Lent from the Lent trap. And also, one thought in the great philosophy of Lent is that Lent is organic and Lent is not litter. Lent is just organic, just as cotton is organic. So set your lint free. Take your fabric softener sheet and remove the lint,

giving yourself a sense of accomplishment for going over your clothes with fine to come and then walk outside and set it free. Just rip off small pieces and let it go into the wind like you're setting the urn. the assets from the arm free and just contemplate life while you are doing this so I hope that adds to your linting bee experience

wow how about that man holy smokes um set your lind free it's like that movie free willy where they they let the giant killer whale free they they busted them out they busted them out of the aquarium and set them free out into the ocean

and and just by the nature of the word trap lint trap the poor lint is trapped and you're setting it free you're releasing it from the trap and you're throwing it up into the wind and it's twirling through the air and it's getting sucked into the jet engine of a passenger jet with 300 people on it and it's clogging the rotors and the passenger jet is starting to smoke the engines are on fire people are screaming

they're losing air pressure the jumbo jet is careening towards the earth oh my god lint lint so be careful where you release your lint okay and uh by the way

it's not it's not a cheap It's not a cheap hobby. Okay, you mentioned at the beginning, Brian, that it's cheap, it's free, it's not. Do you know how much a dryer cost these days? Like $4, $600. I mean, lint's free if you get some scotch tape and manually pull the lint off your clothing.

But to catch it in a professional lint trap setting, hell no you're gonna pay some money for that lint but i like that set your lint free okay so listen to this next clip and replace the word whale with lint and the name willie with linty listen to the trailer for free linty hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the

offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Imagine if the world you lived in, the space you breathed in,

and the freedom you pleased in. played in was suddenly taken away they tried to kill him Warner Brothers proudly presents Let's free Willie, he's got a family out there, I heard him The most unexpected friendship of the year I gotta look out for Willie and I gotta do what's best for him

understand If you don't get Willie into water soon he's gonna die Nobody steals a whale We got in a hurry. It's not doing so good. Don't let that wheel get away. Go and I go. The greatest adventure of the summer.

Free Willie. Free. Linty. So there you go. Thanks for your feedback about Lint. I'm glad to know I'm not the only creepy guy in the world who gets off on Linty. or delinting or whatever it is. But enough about linting.

Let's move on to something even nuttier. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay. Put on your buck teeth and your apple pie. and this story is crazy.

Okay. This is a story about a horse trainer who took like race horses and gave them Viagra. What? Yeah. Hello, horses. An accomplished New Mexico racehorse trainer has been suspended for 16 years and find $40,000 after four of his steeds tested positive for Viagra.

Holy God. First of all, has anyone here, not to be crude, but has anyone here seen a horse penis? Okay, some of them are bigger than small trees, okay? like take the length of your arm and cut your hand off and it's as long as the rest of your arm yeah so take your hand you cut off and cover your eyes so this guy I guess there were three or four horses

in this guy's care and here's the names of the horses My Dancing Angel Bikini Bombshell and Dynasty Edition These horses tested for the active ingredients of Viagra

the human erectile dysfunction drug and it was after they had ran for trials in some races and one of the races had a purse of a million dollars and you're thinking, well, how did they catch the guy? Well, here's how often have you been to the racetrack and seen a horse charging down the track with a giant

that looks like a hockey stick hanging between his legs. I mean, these guys are well-endowed, okay? These horses have it going on. I mean, it's just crazy. It's like a kickstand. It's like a poor horse. If it stayed erect,

it could just balance on it. it could like put the tip of its penis on the ground and lift all four of its legs like it's jumping over something and it could just balance on its wiener it's it's hard viagra-laced weiner and running can't be safe i mean that that's got to be horrible running you imagine charging down the track at 40 miles an hour with a four and a half foot long penis bouncing up and down on your undercarriage. That's like driving an old truck with a loose muffler, and it's just hanging. But worse, it's almost like these Japanese warriors, the guys that commit Harry Carey, you know?

I have brought much dishonor to your family. I am shamed. I shall now take my samurai sword. and impale myself and take my own life. Right? Right? I mean, that's pretty much what you're doing to a horse with a giant horse heart on.

You got him running down the track. It's one wrong move. And that guy, that horse stabs himself right through the chest. Because that biagra penis ain't going nowhere. here comes honeysuckle coming down the guy here comes bikini row here comes dynasty's treasure here comes little baby wally here comes here comes dynasty's treasure oh my god oh my god hold on dynasty's tread just put a penis right through his own chest it's coming out

his back oh my god he's just committed hairy carry oh the poor little devil So, uh, yeah, that's just inexcusable. And a horse doesn't know. Like humans could take a Viagra and go, all right, here we go. I'm going to get it on tonight. A horse is like, oh, what the hell's going on? Did someone Velcro a cucumber to my abdomen?

What is, what is that down there? What is that bouncing feeling? Um, So I don't know. It's just bad. You can't give animals stuff that humans take. It's just not right. You ever see people that, you know, they feed their dog beer

and they blow marijuana smoke in the face of their cat, giving it a contact high? Come on, animals don't stand a chance against just having humans. human medicines and drugs imposed into their system. That just ain't right. That just ain't right. So leave the horses alone. I mean, you know, they're dangerous.

A horse with a eight-hour hard-on is like pulling a giant sailfish out of the sea, putting legs on it and letting it run through the street. you know this giant sailfish with a big sword on the front of their face that's that's what letting a wild horse run around with a giant hard-ons like so dummy up and uh enough enough with giving the horse the viagra Hello Hello

Hey Harland This is Mike from Portland, Oregon And I was just calling to tell you That I was listening to your latest episode Where you talked about LOL And I was cracking up laughing So hard at work

Listening to that I just couldn't even contain myself And I listen to your show all the time It's very funny But I mean usually I can use, you know, keep my professional composure. I couldn't hold it in. I was busted up laughing, listening to you talk about texting and all that.

And also, you went on to talk about listening to rap music or other music where they use the N-word a lot. And I also happen to find that pretty offensive. And, you know, I wonder how it is socially acceptable this day and age, 2014 that this that word is acceptable to use and how it's so I don't know it's interesting that you know it's not considered imposing on another culture when it's embraced you know so openly by everybody you know when exactly like you said it's it's a bad word to use you know it's a negative word, and I don't know why it's so openly used in music today. So, anyway, it was thought-provoking. Thank you for your work. You're hilarious. Keep it up, buddy.

Oh, well, thank you, Mike, from Portland, Oregon. What a good voicemail. I'm glad you got a laugh out of the LOL. I finally feel like I called people out on that stupid, abbreviation L-O-L-L laugh out loud and yeah I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue

on the N-word it's true I feel like you know just because one group of people feel they want to use a negative word as a form of expression

and if that negative word is attached to their culture Is it time maybe that that culture goes, gee, we're okay with saying it, but maybe other cultures don't want to hear it. You know what I mean? It's kind of like having a little respect, like talking too loud in a room. Like you might be at a library or a party, and you might be like talking really loud, and you may be fine with it talking loud, but maybe everyone else in the room is like, God, I wish that person wouldn't talk so loud.

And of course, the use of the N-word in literature and historical reference and so on and so forth, I don't think it's a word we ever get rid of because it's important. It's important to remember that that was a derogatory word that was used to suppress a race of people. it needs to be remembered for that but to glorify it and use it as a punchline I don't know if you're allowed to impose that

on other cultures I don't know if white people and Asian people and Dutch people and German people and whoever should have to be exposed to that word when we don't like it

most of us don't like it just as much as black people don't like it. Maybe worse, because at the end of the day, the word stemmed from white people. It was white people that probably came up with that horrible word and used it against black people. And so maybe we want to get beyond it too. Maybe some things are just left behind.

And if there's some black people that don't want to get beyond it, I have to question why. We know what happened in the history books. We know what a horrific time slavery was. But that's gone, and I think that word should be gone. I don't think there's any excuse you can give me that makes it okay to use it outside of what I said in a historical context or in a debate or someplace where you have to use some intelligence

to understand the word and the ramifications. of the word. But just to throw it up in a song and throw it around and call people the name and, eh, unacceptable. Let's get over the N-word and move on. Is it not in anybody's wheelhouse to maybe call someone something nice?

Like, hey, sugar lips, or, hey, gorgeous. What's up, gorgeous? You know, or if you're trying to use the word to identify something, there's got to be a replacement word. If you're using the N-word to substitute for the word thug or criminal, then use thug or criminal. If you're using the N-word as a compliment, which I find ridiculous,

then find words that sound like a compliment. If you're using the N-word to drive home a point that, you know, the N-word was used against us and you're never going to forget, well, leave it in the history books, man. There's better things you can come up with to perpetuate more harmony and more interconnectivity between the races. Sometimes you don't just leave a wound open and pour salt in it all the time. So there you go.

I don't know. What do I know? I'm just saying in my heart I wish that word would go away and we could just get on with people being people and not digging up that old hurtful stuff. I don't like it. I don't like seeing that word used against African-American people. people. It hurts me as a white guy. I feel hurt by it. I don't like it. So there you go. Thank you for your phone call. Um, and, uh, you know, good times, good debate. As you said at the end,

they're thought provoking, which I guess it is kind of, right? You know, so it's, uh, good to talk about it. Um, but, uh, let's end there. Let's, let's, let's leave it thought provoked. If that's even a term. You are now officially thought-provoked. Okay? And speaking of thought-provoked, why don't you come out this weekend to the Melrose Improv on Melrose Avenue in Hollywood, California

on Saturday night, February 22nd at 8 p.m. I'm going to be doing a show with some special guests, and it's going to be a great stand-up comedy show, right in the middle of Hollywood at the Melrose Improv. So go to Improv.com or HarlanWilliams.com to get your tickets at Harlanwilms.com. And also the following weekend, that will be February 27th through to March the 1st. That's Thursday through Saturday.

I'll be in the gorgeous city of San Diego at the American Comedy Co. A great club, a great city. Love it down there. I love the fans. So please come out. You can, again, go to Harlan Williams.com, reserve your tickets. Just go into my stand-up schedule and get your tickets because that sucker's probably going to sell the hell out. And then last announcement here, March 13th through March 16th,

I will be in Dallas, Texas, at the improv at Addison. Addison, Texas, is just outside of Dallas. And then this is the first you're hearing of it, ladies and snurdle glargans. I've got a little announcement that I'm quite pleased with. It looks like my sitcom package deal has been picked up for a second season and so right after Dallas I will be immersed in shooting season two of package deal my Canadian sitcom unfortunately it doesn't air in the States but the good news is now that we're going into a second season

the odds of an American outlet buying the sitcom and airing it down here just went up quite a bit. So hopefully you'll be seeing my Canadian sitcom down here in the U.S. of A real soon. I'll keep you posted on that. But nonetheless, I'm very excited that I'm going to be getting back to work on that and producing some really fun, funny television. I'll keep you abreast of that situation. Again, check out Harlan Williams.com.

Check out the store. You can buy merchandise. You can browse around. Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel while you're there. So you can catch all our wacky videos we're putting out on the net. Also go to ATC.com, all things comedy.com, which is the podcast network. You can find this podcast. There's a bunch of other hilarious podcasts on that network.

Jake Johansson, Bill Burr, Al-Magigal. Some real good stuff, gang. so please check that out and that is it man that is all I have time for today I'm going to go out and run my horse and I hope he doesn't get stuck on the fence as we're jumping over it that's it for now thanks for being here at the Harland Highway thanks for your phone calls you can always call me at the show and leave a message if you want 3-2-3-739-433-30. That's 3-2-3-7-39-43-30.

The number's on the website at harlo-williams.com, or you can write me at harlololwilms.com, and you might get on the show. But until then, tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Thanks for being here, pavement, pounders. And until next time, chicken, chal-me, baby. You said I must eat so many lemons Because I am so bitter I said I'd rather be with your friends, mate, because they are much fitter

Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive And I must admit that I was a bit scared But it gives me thrill to wind you up My fingertips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation I don't know that I should let go, but I can't. And every time we find, I know it's not right, every time that you're up there and the smile, I know I should forget, but I can't.