The Harland Highway - 558 - Emptying the SPAM folder, and Harland's live stand-up.

Episode Date: February 27, 2014

Going through the crazy SPAM folder in my computer, Harland does some live stand-up. And do you have mystery items in your house?? Close you clip clop! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, sweet, heavenly hashtags. Hello, folks, Harlem Williams here on the Harlan Highway with you. Welcome to the podcast. Glad you're on board. We got a good show for you today. We're going to be getting into some bidsness, some cool old bidnit. What are we got for you? We're going to be playing a couple of live stand-up clips from some of my shows.

I hope you enjoy those. What else we are going to be talking about spam? I finally had to go through my spam folder in my email. There was like 3 million spams, and I'm like, ah, I don't want to look at these, but I want to clean them out. I don't even like seeing that they're in there, even though I don't look at them. They go to my spam box.

So I went in there to clean them out, and the wide variety of wacky spam things was just too much. I got to share that with you guys. It's just too ridiculous. And then also I'm going to give you a homework assignment. Is there stuff in your house that you don't know the origin of it? Like is there items and objects in your home and you look at them and go, where the hell did this come from, man?

I'm going to get you to dig around in your homes and come up with those goodies because I found one I think you're going to really laugh at. Hopefully you need to laugh because this is, The Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me

Out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week I'm smoke I'm funny how I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, quick drink I make you laugh I'm here to fucking amuse you

You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight. Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. Just got a thought for Samantha. Please decide. Welcome to the Harland Highway. If you get the wrong week, quick sniff and do.

Oh, yeah, everyone thinks they're animals so smart, don't they, huh? My buddy Larry taught his dog, the stupidest dog trick I've ever seen in my life. Tought his dog to play dead. Huh? I go to his house the other day. I'm walking up his walkway. He's like, hey, look, my dog's dead. Ha ha, he he, he. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. His phone rings.

He goes in the house to get the phone. Well, he was on the phone. I buried his dog. He comes out a few minutes later. Where's my dog? I said it was dead. I buried it. He's like, you moron made me grab a shovel,

help him dig it up. We get to his dog. Dog sits up in the grave. All I can think. I think it was Night of the Living Dead. So I smashed it in the face with my shovel. I killed his dead dog all over again before it could suck my brains out. There you go.

Little stand-up, little of the kid rocking it live in the stand-up world to kick off the show. You know, stupid dogs, stupid pets. But here's something even stupider. And I'm going to take you on a journey today. we're going into my spam box. I don't know if there's anything stupider than getting spammed. I mean, I got to say one thing that Google at Gmail are good at is somehow they know when spam is spam. Because 99% of my spam goes to my spam folder now.

There was a time when I was on AOL.com. Who does that anymore? and I would just get the spam mixed rate in, but Google the geniuses of Google have somehow figured out how to separate it. So I went into my spam file. I looked as like 150 spams. I'm like, God, I haven't had a spam in so long.

I'm going to go in and see what's going on. So here's a, I'll run down a few of what's in my spam file. Okay? Here's the first one. H.R.B. Affiliate. Prepare, print, and e-file free. Don't know what an e-file is. It sounds like an email. And guess what? I've been doing it free for 15 years, 20 years, whatever. Who are you guys?

Here's the next one. One ink. Ink and toner sale, up to 85% and off. yeah 85% off what how about 85% off when I give this creepy unknown company my credit card and 85% of my bank account is missing yeah nice try um here's one the next one heart attack fighter that's the that's the heading scientist discover pill that prevents heart attacks Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that type of important medicine, one of the leading causes of death probably on planet Earth, has been kept a secret, and the sleazy low-life con artist world of spammers somehow got the foot up on the rest of the world, somehow outbid the pharmaceutical companies,

somehow slipped by the FDA, and figured, hey, we've got the cure for heart attacks. Why don't we spam it out? I mean, we're ahead of the curve of spammers. And then next week, if you buy our pills, we'll send you the cure for cancer. Would you like that, ladies and gentlemen? Good Lord.

Here's the next one. Permissier approach. I don't even know what permisslier approach. P-I-M-S-L-E-U-R. Never heard that word. Permisslier approach. Can barely say it. And then here's the tag.

Begin expressing yourself in a foreign language in under two weeks. Find out how. Well, how about we start with... I figure out how to express myself enunciating your name, permisslier. Yeah, let's see. Hey, honey, you want to go to China? Yeah. Okay, we're going to have to learn Chinese.

Well, we only have two weeks before our trip. Don't worry. I got it. The good folks at Team Pemislier have us covered. It only takes two weeks, apparently. Oh, fantastic. Let's order right away. Did you say permisslier?

Yes. I haven't seen your permisslier in months. Okay. So there you go, folks. If you want to learn a new language in just two weeks, the spammers somehow have you covered, the geniuses. Here's the next one. Lasic Vision Institute.

Are you ready to improve your site? Get Lasic info. Well, if I, needed to improve my site, I wouldn't even be able to read your goofy little email heading here. It's small print, and so you're asking the wrong person. Let's go to the next one. Premier Care.

$1,000 off, walk-in tubs. Are they right for you? gee now that you think of it you know I'd love a walk-in tub oh yeah wait isn't that called a shower don't you walk into your shout what do you mean a walk in tub what is it like that that torture chamber who dini had it's like a stand-up tub

you walk into like nine feet of water standing up or it's probably like this this old thing for the old People, where you go in, it's like a saloon door. Howdy? Give me a whiskey and some Mr. Bubble. You sit down in the water and the thing fills up and you got like a barn door on your bathtub. I don't know. Don't these guys at Spam know how old I am?

I'm not a senior. $1,000 off. How about F-off? How about that? F-off to your walk-in tub. Let's go to the next one. Tax Defense. Remove IRS tax penalties.

Yeah, because I want a guy on spam going over all my financial documents. I want a guy on spam to go through all my tax records, have my credit card numbers, my bank account files. Oh yeah I'm surprised I didn't put that one out there myself Dear spam Is there someone that could dip into all my personal finances And help me get a 10% rebate on my income tax

Yeah I don't mind giving you all my information Spam Low Life spam creepy con artist spam Let's do the next one of these aren't these great Aren't these just, what scares me is there's people that probably buy into them. They wouldn't put this stuff out if there weren't people out there that got hooked. I feel so bad for people that answer these things. Here's the next one.

Reverse mortgage. New reverse mortgage options for seniors. I don't know. If you're a senior, do you really care about a mortgage anymore? Do you really need to be reversing stuff? Like, I feel like when you're a senior, which is like 65 and up, aren't you just kind of at a place in life where you're retired and you get a pension or you get a check from the government

and everything's just like, you know, I could go any day now. I'll just pay what I can pay. I got enough to pay my mortgage. I got enough to eat. I get enough to put gas in my car. why do I want to start fuddling around with things? If I die and there's a bunch of stuff that's untaking care of, whoopie-do, that's on my kids.

I don't need to go around reorganizing and patching things up. Screw that. I'm going surfing and having a cigarette while I do it. I'm going to ride the waves with a marlboro light in my mouth and a martini in the other hand. Someone wants to mess around with my mortgage? Good luck. I don't care.

I got eight years left. But I find that they target the old people a lot because old people are confused or they probably, once they get them on the phone, these spammers probably start to mess with their minds and mix them up and old people are a little more vulnerable. Not all of them, but some of them. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast.

Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So I don't know about the whole reverse mortgage thing. Here's the next one. J-Date. What the hell's J-Date? Find friends at J-Date.

well what is it is it a date or are we friends is this like a dating service was like we're not doing anything i'm just i just it's one of those things where i just want to be friends you can take me to dinner we can go to a movie we can sit on your couch and watch the fire crackle and when you go to touch me when you go to reach up my sweater hey hey we're just friends we're j date friends this that that's what they promised me on their dating site just want to be friends no physical stuff no emotional chat you may

you may fall in love with me but I'm going to tell you every time just friends how about this one uh Garcinia Cambogia Slam what Garcinia Cambogia

Slam it sounds like a a boat cruise to Cambodia Garcinia, Cambodia, Slim, start melting your fat away naturally. 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Oh, yeah, there's that old 100% satisfaction guarantee. What does that mean? Start melting your fat away naturally. So if it's naturally, why do I need you?

What are you going to tell me? Please send us $100. We'll send you an envelope. You open the envelope, there's a picture of a treadmill. Okay. I'm satisfaction guaranteed like the other way. Like I'm satisfied. You guys are asswads.

Here's one. The Wilshire Restaurant, Silent Disco Party tonight. At Wilshire Restaurant with 80s versus 20s. What? Okay, I don't know if I want to go to a disco party that's silent Yeah, it's a disco party We're not having any music And if you could just whisper, we don't want to disturb anyone

Excuse me, disco party, the 80s versus the 20s I think they missed the mark by quite a few decades The 80s was not disco The 70s were disco, man. The 80s were like hair bands and new wave bands. Disco was done by the 80s, man. Disco, the 70s was disco, and the 20s was like Benny Goodman.

It's like guys with their clarinets up there, big band guys. Rock and roll wasn't even invented yet, let alone disco. So I don't know where this one's coming from. Let's go to the next. spam heading here. Myra Magori. That sounds like a jam you'd find in a country store. Would you like an ice jar of Myra Magory? It's seedless, you know.

But this doesn't sound seedless. Mila Magory, bad Mrs. Myra Magory, and in caps, never sleeps at night. And then Dash promise to show. Now, I'm not opening any of these spam. I'm just reading you the headline. So it goes, promise to show. I'm guessing Myra Magori, who never sleeps at night.

It's either someone has a pet owl. Okay? And they named it Myra Magory, never sleeps at night. Or it's like some kind of porn site where some woman with really big bags under her eyes is doing something. I mean, you don't sleep at night, lady. You probably look like a crack addict. That's what I want to do. Click on a sex site.

And there's some chick with narcolepsy, masturbating with a vibrator. Oh, what? Ridiculous. Oh, let's do a couple more here and then get out of here. This stuff just creeps me out. Here's the next one. Wide open spaces.

Angler catches potential world record brown trout. In brackets, video. World record trout and big bass giveaway. Okay, what? I go from naughty Myra Magori masturbating in her sleep to a guy offering me a giant brown trout. What's going on here, spam? There's another one.

Movie screening tonight at movietickets.com. Hi, Harland. As a valued member, movietickets.com customers, we are pleased to invite you and your guest, and I didn't open it. And of course, you got to have one of these ones. Tilly Seffick, I don't know why her name's there. Here's her heading.

Sweet Lord, let him come unto me. My name is Tilly. I am from Russia. Huh? What? Sweet Lord, let him come on to me. My name is Tilly. I am from Russia.

Who knows what that is? It's either the second coming, which I doubt. I don't think Jesus is going to reemerge in Russia. Maybe. and Tilly? What, I have no idea. How about this one? Miriam Muhammad.

Very urgent from the hospital. Very urgent from the hospital. Please endeavor to use it on less privileges, orphanages, and then it stops. So clearly coming from probably a third world country where someone's, thinks there's something urgent at the hospital where we need to please endeavor to use it on our less privileges. You know, that person needs to get on spam and go to the Learn the Language site in two weeks because this person ain't talking any language.

Here's one. Mr. Sawyer Stanley. Okay, sounds like a farmer. Here we go. Fund transfer to you. Hello, my dear. I hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I'm about to, and I'm not opening it. So first of all, Mr. Sawyer Stanley's calling me dear.

Hello, my dear. Fund transfer to me, huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's the biggest one of all where they promise to, you know, send you money. and oh, we got $10 million we want to send you, but in order to get you the 10 mil, you've got to send us $30,000 so we can clear up the paperwork

and clear the bank and all this. Don't fall for any of it. So that's it. I'm going to stop there. It's too ridiculous to keep going. But, you know, thank you, Gmail. I don't know what Internet service you're on. But I got to say, Gmail does an incredible job of sifting this.

stuff out because it's not like I open it when it comes to my regular email but it's such a pain it's like oh man there's another one so good job and all you spammers get a life man can you stop trying to con people get up they work hard or they fall on hard times or they're just not interested leave us alone we don't need your trickery and your wizardry and all your stupidity. There's enough stuff that piles up in people's lives without being inundated with this crap tax and giant trouts and Martha McGinty

and learning languages and getting a walk-in tub and penis enlargement, Lasic. You don't have to lose your hair. Well, maybe you're maybe. making me lose my hair. Leave me alone.

Anyways, that's it. I'm going to get out of the spam box here, but I thought I'd share with you, as I'm sure you've already got your own, and just kind of talk about these ridiculous idiots. So there you go. Let's move on, Raj. Come on.

Birds everywhere clogging up the sky. You should put ceiling fans on clouds. Get rid of those birds. Fucking try to watch a nice sunset. A fucking heron goes by and clogs it all up. Get out of there. Trying to watch the sunset.

Crows. Do we need crows for God's sakes, huh? Dig this. I'm laying in bed the other morning and having a groovy little sleep. Sunbeam comes through my window. Flinkers my little eyes open. All I can hear out in the garden is the

merry song of every bird in the bird kingdom it's like and then all of a sudden what the fuck is that? What is he so pissed off at at 6 in the morning man? It's like going to a beautiful opera on a Saturday night, right? Ave Maria! Ah! We hate crows. We hate them so much we've been in scarecrows.

Scarecrow's don't scarecrows. They attract homeless people. Think about it. guy wandering down the road. There's some clothes in a field full of food. What could be better? It's up a crow's going to be scared by a scarecrow. They're fucking flying over the same time every year.

Hey, there's that guy again that's still in the exact same position. He's been in for 43 years. Real scared of that guy. How do they fucking talk to each other? Imagine them trying to whisper in a library? Ah! Oh, ah! How do you get romantic with your chip crow?

Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. The annoying crows. Good Lord. Speaking of annoying, I want you guys, Every now and then I give you guys homework, okay?

Like a freaky old school teacher. I issue a homework assignment for the pavement pounders, and this one, I think, is going to be pretty funny. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to look around your house, your apartment, wherever you live, your barn, your underground root cellar. Take a moment, walk around, look at all your stuff, and see if you can find one item

where you go, where in the hell did this come from? Okay? Pick it up, whether it's a ball, it's a plate, it's a book, it's a figurine, I don't know what it is. But you go, I don't know where. this is in my house i have no idea where it came from where i got it how it got my house and i want you to share it with everybody i want you to write in to harlem williams dot com

or phone and leave a message and tell us what that item is okay 323 739 43330 and the reason i want you to do it because this happened to me just recently. I'm wandering around my house. I'm doing a bit of cleaning. And I come across this great big, fat book, and I have no idea where it came from, how it got in my home, who put it there.

So let me tell you the name of the book. It says, To Romance with Love, a cookbook for lovers and those who want to be. And on the cover, a really bad illustration of a young man and a young woman in a kitchen. They're kissing, and the guy's holding like a wooden soup spoon in his hand. She's got a sparkling diamond on her finger,

and then in the background, there's like, it looks like a meatloaf in a fry pan. Okay? It's pretty, it's pretty creepy. and then inside it's weird it's like it's illustrated like a kid's book there's like these really bad drawings that look like a guy from who flunked out of art school you know did the artwork and then you get into some of the uh some of the recipes oh my god a night to remember is one of them appetizer shrimp skewers salad mixed greens chicken frances

and then there's a little a little quote here your love delights me my treasure my bride your love is better than wine your perfume more fragrant than spices song of Solomon 410

yikes I mean there's all kinds of weird quotes and here's they set up a menu called I Got You Babe. And there's another quote, A happy man marries the girl he loves. A happier man loves the girl he marries.

And here's some more titles, This Magic Moment. Here's another menu, Endless Love. Another one, How Deep Is Your Love? Can you feel the love tonight? I mean, it's a little. a little weird. Now here's where it gets weird. I don't cook. I can't cook where the hair's ass. So not only is it peculiar that I would have a cookbook in the house, but also that I would have one like a cookbook for lovers. If I ever cooked for a girl, it would be over, man.

The relationship would be done. How about a cookbook for breaking? up i would like burn a speckled trout and put like frozen peas on it and so there you go so anyways what what cracks me up is i i can't figure out how it got here and the only the only thing possible that i can think of is i have a pool up at the house and i got this really friendly pool guy and every year at christmas he leaves me very odd gifts he leaves me very odd gifts he leaves me a little pile of gifts which are greatly appreciated he'll leave me like a candle one year he left me a bunch of pencils he left me uh he left me a calendar with puppies on it uh a bottle of wine and it's very thoughtful it's very generous but but the gifts are are i think they're more just

a token of him saying here's a gift versus you know versus going out and really looking for a gift that suits me. Not that I want them to, but I think maybe this book of cooking for lovers might have come from my friendly pool guy, which maybe is even a little weirder, but he's got a good heart and God bless him, but I'm not sure. that's what's funny about this i'm not sure where this damn thing came from so that's your homework i want you to to scour your house your home just inside don't go out to the garage don't go you know it's got to be

in your house it's got to be that one item that you're like where the hell and you've got to totally draw a blank on it or it doesn't work so there you go that's your homework i want you to write in harlore williams dot com Tell me what you discovered, because I think we're going to find some funny things from you guys. Or leave me a voicemail 323-739-4-3-3-0. And don't forget when you call it, you never talk to anyone. It's strictly a voicemail box, so you never have to worry about someone picking up and suddenly you're frozen with fear.

I've never called a podcast before. I don't know what to say. So it's always just a voicemail box. You can say whatever you want. 323, 739, 40, 3.30. So I'm looking forward to hearing from you guys. And if we get some funny ones, we'll put them up on the show. I'll put them in the upcoming podcast.

So we can share them. And maybe if you're good, I'll even cook you up a love-me-tender meatloaf. And she's all that I want, blackened catfish. but anyways let's let's uh wrap it up there that's your homework assignment um if you want to catch me doing my homework on stage being funny telling jokes talking about crows and all that crazy stuff i will be in san diego california starting tonight at the american comedy co great club great city um come on down and uh and enjoy Enjoy. Have some fun. Have some laughter.

And I hope we see you down there. It's going to be a good time. You can get tickets at Harlan Williams.com. Check on my stand-up schedule. Also, check out any other cities that I might be coming to near you. What else? Check out the store, the Harlem Williams store. Well, you're at Harlan Williams.com.

we have some really cool stuff for you to get your hands on join the YouTube channel just hit the subscribe button and any time I put up a wacky video it comes right to you you get to see it first before everyone else that's totally free oh gosh what else can I tell you

please tell your friends about the Harlan Highway make sure you go to ATC.com all things comedy that's the podcast network you can find my podcast as well as rate what you're listening to now. A lot of other funny comedians on there. And that's it, kids. That is it. And lastly, if you're in Dallas, if you're in Dallas, Texas,

March 13th through the 16th, or through the 16th, rather, in Addison, Texas, I will be working at the improv down there. there so uh get your tickets harlolubyms dot com san diego tonight through saturday the 27th of march through or the 27th of february through to march first harloliams dot com and uh can't wait to make you guys giggle that's all we got time for i got a i got a meatloaf boiling on the stove i got to go make that i get that ready for my lover and uh oh yeah as a side dish i got a great big bowl of chicken chalmy baby