The Harland Highway - 560 - Eating GARBAGE, and CHIN HO from HAWAII 5-O drops in.

Episode Date: March 6, 2014

Calls from Pavement Pounders who found strange items in their homes, a visit from CHIN-HO with Hawaii 5-O police stories, and have you ever eaten your own garbage? Bet you have. Recycle my bycycle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hey now, Pilgrims. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. This is he, Harlem Williams, your host, and I want to do a quick shout out to the city of San Diego. It's down there on the weekend doing stand-up shows at the American Comedy Co. And a lot of pavement pounders came up to me at the end of the show and told me they listened to the podcast and how much they enjoy it. So to all you pavement pounders down in San Diego, thank you for your support. thanks for coming out glad you love the show let's get to today's show though uh we are going to be doing the harland highway question of the day and it's a doozy it doesn't make me look very good

in fact it makes me look a bit disgusting but we're going to ask it either way um also we got some great phone calls from you pavement pounders regarding finding weird items in your house that you have no idea where they came from I did that on a podcast a few weeks ago talked about finding this weird cookbook in my house and I asked you guys to call in with your weird things that you've found in your house and we got some great phone calls

also I don't know why but Chin Ho from Hawaii 50 will be coming by the studio to share crime stories from the big island of Hawaii I have no clue it's ridiculous but he's here nonetheless and so are you on the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn

onto the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me Out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoke I'm funny how I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like it took the wrong week to quit drink

I make you laugh I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.

What do you mean funny? Funny, how am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamine. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I picked the wrong week, quit Shniff, do her. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. I was right. Oh, I like it what I'm right, Eva.

Most of the time I'm wrong, but this time I'm right even. So I'm so excited. I told you a story a few podcasts back about how I found a mystery item in my house. Of all things, I found a cookbook for lovers. And I have no clue how it got in my house. Okay, I was cleaning up. I was looking around, boom. And it's just an odd mystery item,

and I thought, if I've got them, you've got them. The pavement pounders have them. And so I asked you guys to look around your house, do a little homework, wander around your homes, and see if you can find a mystery item that you can't explain got there. You have no knowledge or understanding or comprehension of how this particular item,

inhabited your home. And I've got a few of them here. I've got to play you the voicemails. People called in, and this is ongoing. If you want to get in on this and you want to tell me about your mystery items in your house, I can't wait. I'll give you the phone number later, but let's get right to it. Listen to this first call from one of the pavement pounders who found a mystery object in their home.

Hey, all, it's Zach here. I was listening to your podcast today at work and that you were talking about unusual things you find in her house. Actually, last night I was cleaning up my bathroom and I found a tube of denture cream. Yeah, I was really strange because I don't have false teeth and I don't even know anybody with false teeth. So how a denture cream ended up in my bathroom is a complete mis-gridden to me, man. Just why I'd love to share that with you. Until next time, chicken chow. name baby so my god jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack i

jacqueline kennedy onassus oh my god i i what a story but i'm having the worst of scenarios now that i've heard this i remember when i was a kid i went fishing with my dad okay i went fishing with my dad. He took me up to some remote island, and we stayed at this lodge, and there was nothing to do there, and there was an old bookshelf in the lodge with books, and I remember there was a novel there. Look, the cover looks scary. It was called the, I think it was called the superintendent or the house guest or something like that. And it was about these people that bought this house and I guess there was an old guy that used to live there and he was living behind the walls.

Oh, God. It was this old creepy purve and he had, he used to live there and I guess he never wanted to leave. So when the house was up for sale, I guess he was good with drywall and wallpapering and he built this whole sub-infestructure in behind. the walls of the existing architecture of the house. And this guy would watch and listen and observe and live behind the walls of the house. Jack, Jackie, Jack, Jack in the box. I hate to freak you out.

You might want to move after I say this, but you sound like a young guy. The fact that you found a box of denture cream in your bathroom, dude you better start punching holes through the drywall jack because i think there could be a creepy old purr of living behind your walls that's just bizarre how do you get how do you get denture cream in your bathroom that's just too weird man i that was the first thought i had when you when you left that message jack and now i'm a little bit worried and now great now you're going to be laying in bed at night with your eyes open and every time you hear a little noise or a creek you're going to go oh my god that guy's behind the walls he's coming out to brush his teeth

oh my god oh my god i can't sleep he's watching me why are the eyes in the painting moving why what's that in the mouse hole why is that mouse bald oh my god why does that mouse have one eye and is it bald oh my god oh jack well great uh great mystery item man that is that is too weird but let's keep going there's more more of you called in with your uh your uh household mystery items listen to this one so i'm tim from santa barbara and i went in my garage and i was cleaning out the cabinet and i found a doggy raincoat not just any doggy raincoat a doggy raincoat a doggy raincoat specifically fitted for shih Tzu's and Toy Poodles. What the fuck is a Shih Tzu?

All right, I don't have a Shih Tzu. My neighbors don't have Shih Tzu. I've never even seen a Shih Tzu. I thought Shih Tzu was just a shitty joke. My garage. And I want to know who the hell left a doggy raincoat in my garage. All right. I wish I had to receive it so I could get, return it from fucking Petco.

But I don't. All right. I hate when bitches get wet. Wow. you hate when the bitches get wet and uh tim from santa barbara he's he's he's like a little animated man he not only found something that he can't explain but he sounded downright a little angry about it wow of all the things a doggy raincoat for a shitsu or a poodle holy smokes like that that's extra weird when you find something in your house and it's not even related to being a human

being it's it's stuff for another critter another species even that's really creepy and weird and then you look around the neighborhood and nobody has a shit to or a poodle and even if they did what did they wake up one day you know i think i'm gonna go put spocky's raincoat in tim's garage over there he left it open i'm just going to run over and put sparky's raincoat in there just so i know where it is huh so that one's really freaky i still think the dentures in the bathroom's freaky but this one goes into a whole new sub level of if you're not even a dog or a cat owner you couldn't even buy something like that by mistake like there can't even be like a weird You were out shopping one day, and instead of picking up the broccoli, you picked up the cucumber.

You know what I mean? It's like you'd have to go way out of your way to get something clothing for an animal. So, wow, that one is a little weird, dude. You might need to put some, like, spy cameras up in your garage or something. That one's a little off. unless one day you know you hear the doorbell or some scratching at the front door and it's raining and you open the door and you look down and sitting in the rain there's a little bundle of wet fur his little nose glistening he's trembling his ears are down water dripping off his little furry eyebrows his little black beady eyes staring up at you

you know those big glistening baby puppy eyes little baby black shih Tzu eyes saying it's soaking out here i'm cold i need a daddy oh tim my tiny tim no okay bitches getting wet huh okay let's go to the next one thank you for your call uh let's do one more and then we'll give out the phone number and see if we get some more you to call in with your Nancy Drew mystery items. Here we go. Hey, Harlan podcast, people. This is Jeremy from L.A. I was looking around my house and I found one of those bowls, but not a normal bowl, one of those bowls that had two compartments, one for milk and one for the cereal. I don't have any kids. I don't have any kids hanging

around my house, I would never buy such a stupid contraption. What is that doing in my house? Wow, Jeremy, that is a weird one, man. That's a, that's a, those are, like, who has that? That's like an odd ball item. It seems like every, every item we've had people call it, it's gotten weirder. Started with dentures, and it went to doggy raincoats, and now a bowl. split in the middle.

And I was like, what the hell is that? So I actually decided to go online and see if I could find it. And there's this thing online, Jeremy, called The O-Bull, Never Eat Soggy Serial again. It's a real thing. The O-Bull has changed the way we enjoy cereal. No more soggy flakes.

the ingeniously elegant, patented design of the O-Bowl keeps each bite as crispy as that wonderful first bite. It's easy. Just swoop and scoop. Jeremy. O-Bole. The original crispy bowl. It's real. How it got in your house, I don't know.

Maybe this is some kind of stealthy, undercover marketing team they've got. Maybe the O-BOL people are sneaking around and sticking the O-BOL in people's homes as some kind of a trick to get us to start trying it. That's very scary. Oh, my God. Let's see. Let's listen to a little clip here about the O-Bole.

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And we have some gadgets that can solve your problems. One being soggy cereal, Carla. I'm going to give this to you. This is called the O bowl, okay? This has a well for milk and a little area for your cereal. And, you know, when it comes to Captain Crunch, you know there's a window. There's a short window of opportunity. If it's too dry, you cut your mouth on the inside.

If it's too soggy, it's just like mushy. So you have literally like 30 seconds to get the perfect consistency. For all the people who talk about how quickly I eat, this is why, because I was trying all my life to get the Captain Crunch down before you get sages. There it is. The O ball. You know, this is one instance. where maybe you have something in your house and like an elf put it there.

Like maybe it was meant to help you. Maybe it was meant to help all of us knowing that you would call in. And there's some kind of cereal elf out there that knows we all hate soggy cereal. And there's an obol elf. It's like the elf on the shelf, but it's the oboe shelf elf shelf elf, shelf, elf, bowl health health Hugh Hefner

Wealth So there you go You know if you got it Use it Go out and buy some cereal I mean you can't wear a doggie raincoat And you can't You can't put denture cream in your mouth

So at least you found Something you can use Right So there you go man Great calls Thank you so much Ladies I need the ladies

to call in too because you know the women will find stuff even weirder than the men women will find like lady type stuff so girls if you're listening we want to hear from you about your mystery object in your house and don't make it up don't go out of your way don't don't go well i kind of know where it's it's from but i'll i'll call in just no no no it's got to be legit got to keep it real it's got to legitimately be something you're just clueless about okay so give me a call 323 739 4330 that's 323739 43330 and we want to hear about your mystery items that you find in your house again thanks guys for calling in great stuff and roger let's go to a commercial and we'll be right back after this It happened right before the presentation.

I was just so uncomfortable. I just wanted to crawl under the desk. Vagisil, the only medicated wife that will use itch and odor fast. Everything worked out great. Vagisil, now with a new look. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, here it is, and it's a little embarrassing, but I got to ask it. have you ever picked food out of your own garbage and eaten it oh god and i have to ask because i did

and i have and it's just horrible but i'm guessing i'm not the only one okay so it happened this past weekend you know we all try to eat healthy right i think most of us do anyways and um i'm at this hotel i'm doing some shows i'm trying to stay healthy trying to not get chubby or fat or anything like that and uh they have this mini bar in my hotel room and it's got hershey bars and m&Ms and pringles and i walk in the door i'm like no no no no no i'm not touching that stuff cut to two hours later sure enough there's a little six-pack of Oreo cookies sitting in there. I'm like, oh, God, you know what, I'll open it and I'll have two.

So I open the damn Oreo cookies, the little six-pack. You've seen them. You can buy them at 7-Eleven. And I eat two, and then the package is just sitting there. And a little later I ate another one. And then I'm down to, you know, there's three in the package, three in my belly. and I get mad and I go no way I'm not eating anymore I throw the thing in the garbage I throw the half-eaten pack of Oreo cookies in the garbage like nope I'm gonna be good I'm gonna be

healthy that's it cut to me going off doing my shows I come back to my room it's late I'm hungry there's no room service I'm not gonna go wandering the streets at two in the morning, guess who becomes a garbage picker? Guess who goes into his own garbage, pulls out the pack of Oreos, and eats them. Ew. And no disrespect to homeless people, but I think you've seen the homeless people out on the street opening the garbage can and picking food out. That's kind of what you feel like, even though it's your own food.

And I'll be honest, my hands in the air. I've done it in my own house before. I'm not saying this is a regular thing. I'm not saying this happens all the time. But I'm going to be honest, I have done it before where I was like, oh, I'm not eating that bag of chips or I don't want this. I'm throwing it in the garbage. And then I'll throw other garbage on top of it.

Oh, God. And this is rare. Trust me. I'm not a hoarder. I'm not a troll. It's just, you know, you have that snap moment where you go, why am I eating junk food? Why am I eating this? It's not good for me.

Garbage. And then you come home later that night or later that day, and there's nothing in your house but healthy stuff. Gee, I think I'll eat a Brussels sprout. No, wait. I think I'll have a stock of celery. Wait a minute. There's a three musketeers bar half eaten in my garbage can. rummage rummage rummage rummage where are you where are you where are you three musketeers oh there you are you are la la la la la la yeah it's disgusting

i don't know how many times in my life i've done it maybe five or six 20 what nothing 20 what The question of the day is have you, and I think I know the answer, because we're all human here, gang. I'm not like a, I'm not from Finland. I'm not like a troll, a mythical Finlandian troll that lives under a fjord or a bridge or a pile of moss. I live right in the city where everyone else lives. Am I the only animal that's plucked through his own garb? and eating his own discarded food stuffs and you got to kiss this mouth are you crazy so there it is that's the harland highway question of the day you can call in and uh let me know if you want to tell

your story it's 323 739 433 30 323 739 433 30 leave your story on the answering machine and uh you know if you don't have that one you can always tell me about the missing uh the weird item you found in your house so there it is picking up picking out of your own garbage and eating food i'm so ashamed the harland highway question of the day the harland highway question of the day so there you go roger what was that what is there someone at the door who's it is it who's in the studio why is he here why is chin ho here from hawaii five oh i don't know how he got in here well if you didn't let him in who did you want me to call security no i don't want you to call security he's a he's a cop he is security don't let him it don't let

oh god hello chin ho hello how are you welcome to my podcast Hello. Yeah, I said hello, Chin. Hello. What are you doing? I'm in the middle of a podcast officer. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Chin Ho, one of the lead detectives from the Hawaiian Islands, Hawaii 50. And wait a minute, Rogers in my ear.

Every now and then he drops by to give me a crime update from the Hawaiian Islands. Why, I don't know. Hello? Yes, hello, Chin Ho. Hello. Now, did you have some crime stories that you wanted to share with my audience real quickly? Because I am in the middle of a podcast. Yes. Okay, what do you got? You got some car chases, you got a bank robbery. Family murder. What? Family murder. Murder.

A family murder. Yeah. Okay. There's a bunch of kids, parents. Yeah. What? All of it. They were all killed.

How many? Five. The mother, the father, the kids. Everyone but the husband. So the husband lived. Prime suspect. He's the prime. I'm suspect, you know.

Yeah. Okay. Do you need a throat loggins or something? No. So, how do you know? Are you suspicious of the husband? Does he have a motive? Was there...

Forensic science? Forensics. Yeah. You used forensics. Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah. Okay, so you used forensics, and you got the father under suspicion.

What did you find through forensics? We found substance under father's fingernails. There was some substance under his fingernails. What was it? Pineapple. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Don't play the music.

Do not play the music. Roger, turn off the Hawaii 5-0. music i'm not dealing with this again turn it off turn it off god so let let me get this straight so you you look through the the the forensic microscope the family's been murdered you look under the father's fingernails and you find pineapple no no no turn it off stop it turn it off How do you know it was pineapple? Roger? Turn the damn theme music off.

We looked into the fibers of his shirt. You look in the fiber of his shirt. I thought you said it was under the nails. There was liquid in his fibers. There was liquid in his fibers. and pineapple juice come on

Roger I'm not doing this I'm not turn it up turn it off now why is it that every time I'm not even going to say it pineapple

turn it off why is it every time you say that word which I know is a native plant or fruit or fruit to the Hawaiian Islands. Do you have to play your stupid thing? Can we not just talk here?

Yes. Wow. Are you asleep? Yes. You're asleep? No. Can we wrap this up? Yes.

Were there any clues? And I don't want to hear the P word. Okay? Were there any clues around the murder scene? Yes. What? A can of juice. A can of juice, huh?

Let me guess what kind of juice it was. Does it start with a pee? No. Okay. Was it orange juice? No. Was it cranberry juice? No.

Can I get you a tracheotomy? or something? No. Was it apple juice? Yes. Oh, okay, good. For once, it wasn't the other thing where you play the stupid music.

Yeah. Okay, so you found a clue. I don't get the connection. There was a can of apple juice. Where was the apple juice? Where was this can of apple juice? Underneath a tree. Okay, there's a can of apple juice

sitting underneath a tree. A pine tree Okay, a pine tree So that makes it A pineapple Come on Turn it off Turn it up

A can of apple juice And a pine tree Roger, stop it Turn the damn Turn that Hawaiian crap off You know what, you got to go, Chin Ho. What? No, I got a show to do.

I got more crimes. You go solve your crime. I don't know why you fly all the way from Hawaii to tell us your crime stories. You got to go. Is there a vending machine in the cafeteria? Yes, there's a vending machine in the cafeteria. Do they have cinnamon buns? Yes.

Chocolate bars? Yes. Pineapple. Oh, no. Don't play it, Roger. Don't play it. I said, Pineapple.

Don't you do it, I'm looking at you. Don't you do it? Pineapple. Ah, come on. Out. Get out. Get out.

Get him out of here. Out! Unbelievable. Can we not have him back ever, please? Why the guy from Hawaii 5O comes here to tell me about pineapple? That's it. Roger, do you hear me? Never again.

Read my lips. I don't want Chin Ho in here. Never again. Yes, sir. Could you not maybe be so sarcastic when you're answering me? I have to do a show. okay yes sir jeez i'm not trying to be like uh you know king solomon here but there do have to be some rules well unfortunately uh see roger this this is why i don't like it now we're at the end

of the show we just wasted the back end of the show to talk why what podcast talks to the Hawaiian police force. People talk about news. They talk about entertainment. They talk about social, political, economic issues. We sit here and try to do our thing. And for some reason, one of the chief police guys from Hawaii 5O comes in here to tell us about crimes. It's redonculus, man.

So there you go. Sorry, folks. That's the end of the show. Wow. Let's get into the announcements at least and get out of here with a little bit of self-respect. And again, pardon my throat, I've got a little bit of one of those February-March colds happening here. So if I sound a little stuffy today, maybe I should drink some, you know-what juice. I'm not even going to say it.

But let's see, what do we got for you? What do we got for you here, gang? I want to let you know that next weekend, March 13th through the 16th, I will be in Dallas, Texas, at the Addison Improv, just right outside of Dallas there, doing some stand-up. You can get your tickets. Go to Harlan Williams.com or Improv.com and book your seats. We always have a packed house.

out there, so I want to make sure you guys get your seats. That's the Addison, Texas, Dallas, Texas Improv. That'll be Thursday, March 13th through the 16th. And then the very next day on the 17th, oh my God, I'm so excited. I start back to work on season two of my sitcom package deal, only seen in Canada. but I'm hoping that because we're doing a second season, it's going to be making its way down here. So we'll keep you posted.

I have a feeling you'll see it soon enough. Hooray! Hooray for Hollywood. Don't forget if you want to call in and share your garbage-picking stories or the weird item in your house story, that's 323-739-4330. Or you can write me at harlewilums.com.

And while you're there, check out the store, harloweems.com store, to get all your fun merchandise. We've been sending out a lot of cool stuff to comedy fans. Also, click on the YouTube channel, subscription button. There's no gimmicks. There's no hooks. There's no, you get charged, or we bug you, or we send you, you know, newsletters. All it does is if you subscribe, you get the, you get the,

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go through there and it doesn't alter your transaction with Amazon but we get a little kickback which would be nice you know to help cover some costs around here the old podcast Also check out all things comedy.com.

That's the podcast network where you can find this podcast As well as on iTunes and other places Great podcasts on there. Bill Burr and Jake Johansson, Al Magigal, people like that. So really cool stuff. And that's it, man. I hope you had a good time here. Again, I apologize for Chin Ho.

and stay away from the P-word, just stick to the C-word chicken. Chalmy, baby, with pineapple sauce. Get out, no, stop!