The Harland Highway - 561 - AUNT RUTHIE calls in, man shopping, sensetive skin.

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Harland's crazy Aunt Ruthie calls in, Harland goes shopping for clothes under an alias, a disgusting skin test for sensitivity, listener mail. Hummingbird WORD!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer loving happened so fast. Summer loving, I got gas. Oh, hey everybody, Harlan Williams here. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I am your host with the most, Harlan Williams. So glad you could come along for the ride, maybe. What a show today. today I'm going to read a few letters from you guys

I got a little feedback from some stuff so I'm going to read a couple of letters we're also going to do a little experiment that might be a little bit gross but it's an experiment that I did that involves the human body and I'm going to ask you to participate and try this experiment kind of gross

so we'll see if you can man up and do it we're also going to talk about shopping when men go shopping which i did i'm not good at it so i uh recorded some of my interactions with the um with the attendant at the clothing store and i went in incognito i used a fake name and everything and i'm going to play you snippets of that so you can hear me as a man trying to shop not good and then i think my aunt ruth he called in and left a message. I'm going to have to play the answering machine. Get ready. Here we go. It's the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. I'm funny how. I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you. Like I took the wrong week, quit drink. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harlan. Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar.

What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. That is thought for some amount of things aside. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

I picked the wrong week. Quit the wrong week. Quickness and do. I picked the wrong week to go shopping. Yeah. So here's what I want to do. I'm a guy, right? Yeah, I'm a guy. I'm a guy, and I'm not good at the shopping.

I go maybe once, twice a year, if that. I just wear stuff till it wears out, and I don't know why. I love the feel of new clothes. I actually like looking good in clothes, but I just, I find shopping to be overwhelming, and I don't really know what I'm doing half the time. so I end up just sticking with what I got till it wears out, which is never.

You know, it's hard to wear out a pair of jeans. If, you know, unless you're out like, you know, riding bulls or something, okay, your jeans are going to wear down, but just, you know, sitting in your car, sitting at your desk, watching TV, maybe doing a little gardening, whatever, you're not going to wear out your jeans for years. so anyways i go uh i go shopping and um and so sometimes it's like you know people ask me what my name is when i'm shopping and a lot of times i don't say my name because i have an unusual name harland right and so people go what's your name and i go harland and they go what how how

hairloon hair weave what no harland hey hair it's it's like my boss mr featherstone he never gets my name right so just to make it easy and simple and i kind of get a little chuckle on the inside i just tell people my name's corky and they either just look at me glazed or it makes them laugh or whatever so i went shopping for jeans and shirts and stuff uh the other day and the girl that was helping me was just as sweet as could be she's a type of girl you want to take home to your mother. She was just like cheery and smiley and cute and friendly and

what I really loved about this girl is she just felt very sincere. You know, she felt very real. She wanted to help. But she kind of got off on calling me corky. She started like kind of using the name a lot and as

we're, you know, going through the motions looking for stuff. She told me everything was 30% off and I said, well, why? she goes well because it's corky day and so I thought you know maybe maybe it'd be good to let you guys hear

what a useless idiot I am shopping for clothes and so you know I hit the record button on my phone and I picked up a little of the dialogue between me and this girl and then one of the other attendants there overheard me saying the name

corky and he got freaked out and started asking me about corky and everything was corky this and corky that so here's a little sample of corky me shopping for clothes at a uh at a clothing store here we go welcome to corkey's world oh that's good yeah what's not to love get old corkies from canada corky sure that's corky i'm corky Oh, I thought you meant from a TV show from when I was a kid.

I was like, oh, you mean corky, the kid from The Facts of Life? That's the guy. I was like, well, I was a girl. Remember was the girl who was a little bit, you know, to think? Well, I was a little bit, too, because I don't remember. Yeah. Obviously. Well, welcome to San Diego.

Yeah, I heard it's corky day in the store, right? It is. Yeah. So this one for it really nice? Yeah. This is my favorite shirt on the guys, to be honest. That's a real... I wish I could put everybody in the shirt.

Yeah. Some people like, you know, they're like, eh. I don't know why it's so hard for me to shop. Really? I just not good at it. I think it's always weird getting in and out of that change room. It's just... You know?

Yes. And so at least you went in there, right? Yeah. Yeah. So it wasn't that hard. I think for guys, it's just... a little scary going at a change room. I don't know why.

You feel like you get trapped in there? I don't know. I don't think we like to take our clothes off out in public. You know, it's weird to walk into a building and strip. Yeah. For some reason, girl... Where am I? Yeah.

What am I doing? Why am I taking my pants off in this strange building? It's weird. It is. So there you go. We got into it a little bit. And, you know, I finally got some jeans and stuff, you know. And then I go to the checkout and she kind of cared.

She was concerned. She's like, now you make sure that the jeans don't stretch out. And you better be telling me the truth. Like, she actually seemed very invested in my well-being as far as my clothing goes. So I'll play you one more little clip. This is just me at the checkout. out or you know she's kind of making sure i'm good i'm okay and then uh corkey gets on his way and uh says goodbye and i hope you are telling me the truth that they fit you snug yes they did

because they're going to stretch out yeah that's what she said yeah and if they don't fit um pretty snug you're going to have that same problem no they'll because these ones are real baggy now aren't they i look like a potato farmer yeah You think I look like a potato farmer? No, you look like corky. There we go. Corky day. Corky day.

You get a laugh out of yourself, don't do. I'm like, what am I doing? Just weird. Shopping's not easy for me. I only go like once a year. During the day I can do this, but at home I just am always working. Oh, Corby, you're such a hard worker. Yeah.

Geez. Take a break, please. Porky needs a holiday. Yes. Will it be credited or debit? Credit, please. There's my name. Okay, Corby.

I'm so glad you came in. Oh, you're the best. What's your name? Rosa. What is? Rosa. Rosa. Nice to me, too.

You're the best. Thanks for your help. I'm not very good, so you've helped me a lot. Thank you. You can always come down here. All right. Well, I'll help you this. Maybe we'll see it in a year.

Once a year, I have to. I'll look for Corky Day next year, okay? Yes, all right. You said, you have a good one. Thank you. Bye-bye. Thank you. There you go.

See, wasn't she nice? She just, everyone loves Corky. Forget everyone loves Raymond. How about everyone loves Corky? But anyways, that was just like a little slice of me attempting to shop. I don't know why I put it up here. I thought maybe it would interest you just, I don't know. It's a slice of life.

You know, I'm always talking about things and reading news stories. And maybe you're going, you know, this is episode 561 of his podcast. And what's it just like to hang out on the street with that idiot? Well, there it is. That was a little 10-minute snippet of how exciting it can be. if you hang out with Corky, you go buy some blue jeans. All right, let's move on. We got it.

We got my new jeans on. Let's keep rocking here, gang. Hello? Hello. Hey, I'm just calling to make sure you are right over there, man. I ran into Aunt Ruthie yesterday, and she said she hadn't heard from you, and you haven't posted a podcast yet, so just making sure you are all right, man. Aunt Ruthie's pretty riled up.

All right, Matt. Take care. Hello. Hello, Holland. Hello. Are you there, Angel? Hello. Holland. It's your Aunt Ruthie calling, doll. How are you? Where are you? Your Aunt Ruthie needs you, Holland. Oh, my God. I'm so upset. I'm over at the... I'm on the side of the road. I went shopping today over at the fruit market. Your uncle Harry wanted some fresh plums. You know how he likes his plums?

He gets them in his system. They get in his abdomen, Holland. They help him have his movement. You know how Uncle Harry is. He likes to have his movements in the morning, doll. His big hairy movements. I don't mean this hair on him, doll. I just mean that Uncle Harry, hairy movements.

Sorry, doll, I got some phlegm in my throat. Listen, Holland. and Ruthie stuck at the side of the road. Some of the plums fell out when I slammed on the brakes, and they rolled around on the floor. And oh, my God, all, and some of the plums went underneath the gas pedal, and under the brake pedal,

and I would press down with my orthopedic shoes, and nothing would happen that the brakes wouldn't go down. I just had a squishing noise, doll. Little angel, I heard of it. squishing noise like somebody stepped on a baby porcupine or something out the middle of the forest angel

and I slammed into the back of somebody's call and then I'm out here and I don't know who they call darling can you come out and get Aunt Ruthie? Well I guess he can't because you're in the Hollywood doing the Hollywood movies and the televisions

but oh my Christ I'm here I'm all alone I can't get Uncle Harry on the phone, probably sitting on the toilet, having a giant movement. Here I am with his plums, and this, somebody got out of the car and started yelling at me. The person I had, I think it was one of these orients, you know, they come from the Chinese town or the Japanese, the Orient, I hit an Oriental, oh my God, he looked so mad. His face was all red and sweaty, and his black hair was standing up all.

Spikies look like a fucking crazy sea edge in or something, Arland. Oh, my God, Angel, please come, come and call somebody to come and help me at the side of the road, please. I got plum sauce all over my orthopedic shoes. Okay, my car's got plum juice. It smells like a smoothie in my car, and I got an Orient yelling at me over here. Okay, stop all. Okay, I've been in an accident. I've got a plum. I got a plum in my... I've stuck in my orthopedic shoe and pulled out a plum, okay? You've got to stop honking. I'm an old lady. I smashed

into an orient. People just yelling at me for no reason. I'm honking the horn because I'm clogging up the traffic. I don't know why they get so mad that you ran Ruthie. It's just not fair. I mean, it's just me doing the shopping. I'll never forget when you were a little boy. Do you remember Holland's little angel? When we were up in Rochester for the summer, your mother left me so

she could go and give birth to your little sister Karen. Do you remember? And you stayed with me and Harry, Uncle Harry, and we took you over to the grocery store, do you remember? And there was some little kids eating a giant candy floss, just a big

fluffy candy floss. It's and you wanted one, and your mother gave us instructions. Don't buy haul in any candy. And we would let you have it. You remember, Angel, and you were crying, little tears streaming down your face over your freckles. And Uncle Harry and I turned around for just two seconds, and we heard someone screaming. And we turned around, and you were eating somebody's bun.

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Back in, I guess it was in the 70s when you were just a little, little angel. And you were eating through some ladies. his bun on her head because it stood up so tall your little angel just like candy floss it was like brown candy floss and we'll never forget you were eating that lady's fucking head you were eating the fucking hair off the head on and i don't mean to swear stop honking at me go back to your orient i don't know don't honk it me my angel ate someone's bun off the head and yeah you're gonna come over here from Korea and honk at me

with your Orient I don't think so Anyways Angel This you just You just ate this We had to pull hair Out of your throat For about three weeks

It looked like you ate A fucking giraffe Or something You know Anyhow Angel I know You're probably on the set Shooting a films

Or movies Or TVs Or what not What have you Who says Why What how Who knows? What have you?

Okay? So Aunt Ruthie's here on a cellular. I've got an electronic cellular here. And if you get a chance, Angel, call me. I got plumb sauce all over my fucking legs. I actually scraped my orthopedic shoe on the back of the Orient bumper, and he got all fucking mad at me. Fucking all red and fucking pimple-faced,

like a fucking freaked out underwater gopher or something. You've never seen a science fiction movie or whatever. Whatever have you. Okay, Angel, so try and get in touch with me. My car smells like a fucking Dairy Queen smoothie. I love you, Angel, okay? I love... Stop honking at me.

I'm kissing my nephew on the phone. How dare you? No, you go back to Japan and have a... Have a... fucking take a nap or something. With your crazy black hair and your fucking attitude. I was made in the U.S.A. Okay, Orient.

Okay, Angel, I'll talk to you soon. Aunt Ruthie loves you. Bye, Angel. God, it smells like a fucking fruit forest in here. Hello? Goodbye, Angel. Call me, Aunt Ruthie loved you. Bye, Angel.

Whoa, whoa, wild. What a wild message. Wow. But poor Aunt Ruth, I keep missing her. I guess she just calls me just when I'm busy or she leaves me these messages. I try to call her back. She never picks up. I feel so guilty that I'm not there to help her.

But what can I do? Boy, oh, boy. Anyways, that's my Ann Ruthie. She's very sensitive, obviously. Good golly. And speaking of sensitive, wait a minute, wait a minute. Here's a bizarre experiment, and I don't know if you guys are willing to try it or not, okay? I don't know if you're willing to try it or not, but it is a little weird, it is a little kooky.

You might stop listening to the podcast when I tell it to you or ask you to, I might even ask you to do it because I don't want to be the only crazy one here, okay? here's my experiment and it's a little bit gross but get over it okay it's it's kind of well i want to talk to you about how sensitive the human skin is all right it's our biggest organ and i think we forget just how sensitive our skin is and here's the experiment i want you to do i want you because i did this and i'm not proud of it i'm a little weirded out to even tell you this but i'm going to because i tend to share with you guys that's what this is all about oh god one day i was sitting here or somewhere i can't remember where and i plucked a nose hair i know yuck i just lost most

of you oh as if you've never reached up your nostril and pulled out a nose hair okay Okay, it's human. It's like me saying, oh, I reached up to my eyes and pulled out an eyelash. Okay, it's a little hair that just happened to be up my schnauz. I know, I'm grossed out too. And for whatever reason, and I think it's just human curiosity, we all do this. It seems when we pull earwax out, or God forbid a booger or an eye crust or whatever, However, a lot of times we tend to look at it.

I don't know why. We're fascinated with our own stuff that comes out of us. We look at it. So somehow, I guess my nose was really itchy, and I'm like, what the hell? Why is it so itchy up there? And I just got my fingernails up there, and I was like, plunk! And there was like this big, thick, fat, gross nose hair.

I know. I know I'm losing most of you but I've come too far I'm going to keep going you've got nose hairs too reach up your nose and feel them you're going to have to anyways for this experiment so get ready

so I pull out the nose hair and I'm looking at it under the light I guess the reason I'm fascinated with a nose hair is because how often do you look at a nose hair and I got all full of questions. I became like Curious George, the little monkey. And I'm like, why is there hairs up my nose? And look at the length of it, and it's kind of wiry.

It's not like straight. It's kind of like got little crimps in it. And it's kind of thicker than, it's kind of like coarse. It's like a thick little hair. And I can see the root on. it because you know you rip it out of your nostril and I guess you get the root I know I know this isn't easy how do you think I feel admitting this stuff to you guys but here's where it got interesting and it was because of this nose hair that I was reminded just how sensitive the human skin is

for some reason I kind of wanted to test the density of the hair because it looked thick it looked a little coarse, but nonetheless it was still a hair. So what I did is I rubbed it on the tip of my finger, okay? One of my index finger or my middle finger, I think I did it on both, and I just like kind of poked it into my fingertip, and you tell me how big is the surface of a piece of nose hair. I mean, it's thinner than a pin. it's almost non-existent it's so thin

and here's where it got amazing to me is that I was poking it into my finger the tip of this little tiny hair the tip of the circumference of the tip of that hair it was probably I don't even know if there's a measurement for it so small it was like getting the leg of an ant and poking my face

and what's amazing is I could feel it right where I was putting it I didn't have to rub it around I didn't have to move it I could feel that little tip of that hair on my finger through my skin my skin was picking it up there was sensation there was feeling and I'm like good lord I guess you kind of forget how how sensitive your fingertips are your skin in general but for my skin and the fingertips are you're using Usually, you know, it looks like the skin's always a little bit thicker on your fingertips because the fingers do a lot of work, so the fingertip skin can be a little dense, it seems like.

And how could I feel the tip of this little hair on my skin? And then I started just doing it on every finger. I was like, this is amazing. How delicate is the human skin? How sensitive is the human skin? wow like how is it possible i can feel such a you know it's just amazing and i guess it goes to like every now and then you'll feel like a little teeny tiny ant or even a piece of dust or a feather float down and land on you and your skin feels it so so i don't know if you want to try the plucking the

nose hair experiment? I can't wait to hear the calls on this. And if you do it, I do need you to call me. A, because I just want to hear how it felt to you. B, because you had the balls to do it. And C, just I don't want to be alone here and be the guy that needs to be checked into an asylum because he plucked a nose hair and did a sensitive skin test with it. You certainly don't want that from your dermatologist.

Okay, Mrs. Smith, we're going to test the sensitivity of your skin right now. Oh, lovely. If I could just pluck one of your nose hairs out, you know what? Why don't we just use one of mine? Here we go, let me rub my booed nose hair all over your skin. Oh my goodness, I can feel it. Yes, yes, lovely. Yes, lovely.

So I don't know if you would venture down that street. I don't know how far you would go to try it. But if you do, if you do try the test, I think you'll be quite amazed at just how sense of it is. Now you're probably saying, well, why didn't you just pull a hair from your head? Guess what? I did try a hair from my head. And the hair on your head is so light, it's so far.

fine unless you have coarse hair i i barely felt anything at one one finger i felt it a little bit but the nose hair is just dense enough that i was able to feel it i know this is you're like this is the last time i listen to this guy what is he's he's i tune in for a little entertainment and he's got me plucking my nose hair out to rub on my fingertips I really did this. I'm not proud. And if you want to try it, I'll be proud of you. We can be losers together.

So there you go. It's just, I find it amazing. A little scientific experiment. If you want to do it, you can call me a 323-739, 433. I want to hear about your experience plucking your nose hair and rubbing your flesh. Yeah. very strange i know or you can write me at uh harlunwilliams dot com and leave me uh leave me a message

and i think i'll close actually a few people did write me on harlem williams dot com and uh i think we're going to read just a couple of letters to close out the show here and uh let's let's go to those right now i'll read will you go and uh pick your nose Letters, oh, we get letters, we get your letters every day. All right, here we go. Let's read a couple here. Here's the first letter from Dave. Dave says, Harland, a few thoughts prompted by recent episodes of your very entertaining podcast.

First, you absolutely nailed the N-word subject. Thank you. I wish they would play that lecture in our schools. Well, hey, thanks, Dave. Yeah, I got a little animated. I got a little fired up after hitting the town one night here in L.A. And every club I went to, there was, like, all these songs with the N-word flying everywhere. And I got a little pissed.

And I guess it wasn't so much a lecture as it was just me, like, kind of spewing off about it. But I'm glad you got something out of that. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that's kind of angry with that. And then secondly, Dave writes, Rocket Man, a truly great comedy. I am a 51-year-old man with four children ages 26, 24, 18, and 15. All my kids have grown up with Rocket Man. Watched it just the other day. It gets quoted around here constantly.

It wasn't me. Well, hey, man, thank you. You know, it's so funny that movie, Rocket Man. The older I get, the older it gets, it just seems. to be growing in popularity. If you've never seen Rocket Man, I hope you get a chance to see it. It just, I don't know, it's one of those weird phenomenons where that movie just has a life. It has a shelf life.

And I think it's a tribute to how well it was done and how funny it is and how timely it is and all that stuff. So thanks, Dave. Spread the word on Rocket Man. And then Dave says, thirdly, Lint. here's one I haven't heard mentioned yet and I did a whole run about how much I love lint so Dave's chiming in here Dave says I have a water pick type shower head

there's nothing more satisfying brackets well there probably is but for the sake of argument let's act like there's not bracket there's nothing better than hitting the old belly button with a sharp jet from the water pick and having a lint ball in brackets. Best if the lint is dark in color,

save from a new black t-shirt. From the lint ball comes sliding out. And then he says that last bit needs to be read in Harland Williams' voice. Okay. And having a lint ball comes sliding out. I don't know.

I tried, Dave. So I'm glad to see I'm not the only one all. hooked up on lint. That is a good one, Dave. A little lint ball in your belly button and blasting it with your water pick. Dave closes.

He says, well, you certainly have an interesting perspective on life, and I appreciate your thoughts. Thanks for making me laugh out loud while I'm driving from place to place. I love to hear that, Dave. Thank you. You just made my day, buddy. P.S., I'm clicking through your Amazon link every chance I get

Dave oh see now that that I really appreciate Dave in case you guys didn't hear it at harlow williams.com we have a link for Amazon so if you decide you want to go buy something

on Amazon instead of going to Amazon.com go to harlewilms dot com click on our link it takes you to exactly the same place but what happens is Amazon gives up us a little kickback for you using our link and uh as you know i'm i don't have sponsors on this show

i rarely ever make a cent doing this show for five years and i just love doing it but amazon gives us a little link a little kickback so you know it's money i can put towards the production of the show and stuff so thank you so much dave thanks for the great letter all your comments. And why don't we do one more letter and we'll close everything up. Let's do one more letter. This is from Max. Here we go. Hi, Harland. I always look forward to your podcast. It never fails to put a smile on my face. Thank you, Max. I especially enjoyed hearing all the snappy banter between you and your sister. It was endearing and hilarious. Yes, I had my little sister visiting. And I got to be honest, Max, I was a little nervous about putting her on the show

because, you know, she's not from the entertainment world. She's never done an interview on a radio or anything. And I just didn't know how she was going to be. I didn't know if she's going to clam up or get nervous. But at the end of the day, it just felt like my good old sis sitting there and talking to me. And that's what I was hoping would happen. And I'm glad you found endearing and hilarious it's hard for me to kind of pick up on that stuff because she's been in my life my whole life it's it's i'm so used to her that i guess you know when you when it's with a family you don't really know what's endearing or hilarious because they're they're like uh they're like your left foot they're they're just there uh so max continues about my talk

with my sister he goes the cuban bathtub story my sister told stuck in my mind mainly because i don't know what your sister looks like. So I'm forced to imagine your goofy mug on a lady's body, soaking in a tub and licking a sponge. Yes, my sister talked about sitting in a tub, licking a sponge. Maybe you could help me out by putting up some pictures of her so I can erase this unnatural image from my mind. Anyways, thanks for the great podcast.

They always make my day. Well, you make my day by saying things. like that max thank you so much and you know what i'm i'm gonna leave you with the image of a woman's body with my face okay i i think that's that's better than what you would see um my little sister will always let's just say she looks like me with a wig that will that will keep you happy, Max. I don't want to start putting my family's pictures up on my social media. I don't think they'd appreciate it, but, you know,

there is a little bit of a resemblance. She's a lot prettier than me. I got to give her that, you know, but I'm glad you enjoyed the visit with my sister, and who knows if she's down here again, we'll get her back on. And, you know, you weren't the first one to comment about her. I got a few other emails and phone calls where people really enjoyed hearing from my sister, which I wasn't sure because, you know, we were just shooting the breeze, and, you know, I didn't know how it would go, but it sounds like people enjoyed it.

So thank you. Let's close up that mailbag. We're just doing a couple. Usually I dedicate the whole show to the mailbag, but I just wanted to get a couple in there. Keep them coming. You can write me at harlowe Williams.com. or you can leave a voicemail at 323-739-4-3-3-0. Okay.

Okay, babe. Sound good, babe. All right, awesome. Well, hey, check it out. If you are in Dallas, Dallas, Texas, this weekend coming up March 13th through the 16th, please come see me at the Improv at the Addison Improv in Dallas. tickets are at harlough williams.com or the improv.com and that one usually fills up pretty darn good

so come on out and get your tickets going and we'll see you out there also while you're on harloughwilliams.com join our YouTube channel you just click the subscribe button and you'll get all my wacky videos that I do check out the store while you're there if you want to buy some crazy merch and go to atc.com all things comedy where you can find other hilarious um podcasts and that's it man that's it um i've got to hit the trail i again i thank you for all your feedback your input

your kind words and until next time pavement pounders this is your host harle williams saying chicken chowman baby See?