The Harland Highway - 563 - Celebrity RUSSIAN ROULETTE, the vast cosmos.

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

On this show another celeb comes out of the woodwork to challenge Harland to a game of Russian Roulette, also a deep look at who we are in the vast universe. Star cluster my muster!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, bless my Benjamin Buttons, huh? Hey, it's Harlan Williams here. You're on the Harlan Highway. And what a show we have today? Pretty diverse, interesting, mixed-up show. It starts off really stupid. Doesn't it always? What?

Nothing. It starts off really stupid. And then at the end, it gets kind of interesting and deep. So you got the yin and the yang. today um today we're taking a a voicemail from a collar and that voicemail leads to a game of russian roulette and for those of you that have been following the podcast all these years i get challenged by celebrities all the time to play russian roulette i never lose they always end up dead on the floor of the studio obviously um i'm probably going to win again today so stick

I won't tell you who the celebrity guest is, but you'll know soon enough. So we're going to do that, and then we're going to jump into the cosmos. We're going to talk about the infinite, the expanding, the never-ending cosmos we live in, and how we fit into the grand scale of Earth's and the universe's design. It's pretty heady stuff. So get your head together. You are on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn

On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week, we're smoking I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I picked the wrong week, quit drinking I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams

I buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice, steak Fish? Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how?

How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamine. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. If it's the wrong week, quick you get to do. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Dude, I was just listening to your latest podcast, and you remind me of my brother. You get going on your Aunt Ruth. you think you guys get wound up in such a way that I don't even how to describe it but it cracks me up but the real reason we're calling it is because you need to need to invite Charles Nelson

Riley on your show a lot more I know he may be hard to find now but it's always a pleasure when that dude shows up so I'll see you later what? Who?

Who's here? No, I'm not expecting any guests. Who? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not playing Russian roulette. No, no, no. Those of you listening, there's been this ongoing thing

where celebrities come into my studio. For some reason, I'm really good at Russian roulette, okay? That stupid game where you put real bullets and a real gun and you put it to the side of your head and you pull the trigger, and you leave a couple of bullets out of the chamber so you could either put a bullet through your head or you could just click the trigger and nothing.

And for some reason, I defy the odds. Who? No. Just a minute. I defy the odds and I never seem to die. But everyone who's ever challenged me in this stupid, dangerous game, and I don't recommend it to anybody, they lose. And as a result, now everyone thinks I'm the top dog on the block, and so people show up at the studio and want to, they want to, like, knock me down

because I'm the champion, and I'm not even trying. I don't want to be. So I'm not playing it anymore. He's already here? Oh, great. Charles Nelson Riley's here. No, he's not. He wants to play Russian roulette.

with me? No, just tell him flat out no. What do you mean he's coming in? Don't let him in. Don't let him in. Oh, oh, Charles, uh, oh, Nelson Riley. What are you doing here? No, Russian roulette. Stuck, can you just chill? Okay, you're hyper, your glasses are steaming up, you're, oh, Charles. Nelson Riley Why do you keep saying your own name? Charles Nelson Riley. Stop it! You know what?

You might be the first guy I do want to take down with Russian roulette. Stop it! I don't want to hear your voice anymore. Now, I'm giving you a chance to turn around, O'Reilly. Charles Nelson Riley Stop it! You might have the most annoying voice on planet Earth. I'm giving you a chance to turn around and walk out that door and live.

I do not lose at this game. Now I'm going to ask you one last time, Charles Nelson Riley. Stop it! Oh, stop it! Oh, stop it! Do you, or do you not, want to play Roger, Russian roulette with me here in the studios at the Harland Highway? Do you? Oh, Charles Nelson.

Riley, Russian roulette. No, ah, oh. Gah, ah, ah, no. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Give me that, Roger, give me the gun. I can't wait to get this one started. Oh, I can't wait. Normally, I don't want anything to do with this.

Give me the gun. Load it up, Roger. Give me that gun. Here we go, O'Reilly. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Stop it. loading it up you can make the noises all you want

you better get them all out because I'm I am I'm gonna win this and these will be the last Charles Nelson Riley voices you ever make stop here we go you ready who's going first me or you

oh Charles Nelson Riley Okay, go. You go first. Put the gun right to your temple. That's it. Right to your temple, and I'm going to call it. Are you ready?

Here we go. Mao! Mao! Mao! Okay, you made it through the first round. Oh, Charles. Nelson. Right.

Oh, God, give me the gun. You are just a freak, dude. Your glasses are all steamed up, your hair's all curly. It looks like apple crisp. Give me the gun. Call it out. I've got it to my head. Mow.

Mow! Mow! Mow! Mow! Mow! Mow! see look at that back to you o'rily here put it on your temple there you go wipe your glasses off very nice okay ready now now now now now now how how now oh charles oh nelson uh uh

Riley! Shut up! Holy fuck, dude! I rarely used the F-bomb on this show, but holy fuck! Oh, holy fuck! Stop it! Give me the gun, now I do want to die. Would you call it, please?

Mow! Mow! Mow! Mow! Ah, see? Back to you, Charles Nelson Riley or whatever the fuck your name is. Ready? Mow! Mow!

Mow! Mow! Charles Nelson Riley! Oh, no! Mow! There it is. It's a foregone conclusion. Listen, can we just pause for it?

Listen, listen to that silence. Listen to that silence. Oh, my God. Just to not hear his voice. Oh, Charles. Give me the gun. He was already shot through the head. I shot him.

Yes, I shot him again, but he, I had to put him out of his misery. Charles Nelson Riley. gone. Roger, I hope you're happy. Another Russian roulette victim. I try to tell them. I try to tell you. Whatevs? Let's go to a commercial and let me clean up in here for God's sakes. Unbelievable.

There's blood all over his big goofy glasses. We'll be right back. Roger, throw to a commercial. What's the matter, honey? I don't want to talk about it. Oh, I don't feel well. I don't want to talk about it. Diarrhea. I don't want to talk about it.

Cramps. Try Donagel. I don't want to. Donagel relieves diarrhea fast. And Donagel has extra medicine for cramps. Others don't. Well, no diarrhea, no cramps. I mean, about the way I acted.

I don't want to talk about it. Donagel, recommended by doctors and pharmacists for diarrhea and cramps. Relief worth talking about. All right. Let's get to something. a little more substantiative or substantative. Substantative, I believe is the word. I was watching, there's this new series on television called The Cosmos. And I don't know if you saw this thing.

But boy, oh boy, is it puts into perspective what a small little, not insignificant. We're very significant, but what a small little grain of sand we are on a massive giant beach of infinity. Okay, this show Cosmos, which I recommend. I mean, there's a lot of television that's mind-numbingly stupid on TV. There's a news series out on Fox called The Cosmos. and it's based on a guy, a very brilliant man, Carl Sagan, who was a real guy who kind of, you know, has a vision and an idea.

I mean, a lot of it's based on science, of course, but a lot of it's based on theory and intuition and foresight. And he's basically a guy who theorizes and uses scientific fact about the, vast expanse of the universe and what our place is in the universe and through a bunch of graphics and through a bunch of computer animation they basically kind of demonstrate the endless vast universe we're living in and first of all we're this small little planet floating in orbit it, and then, you know, they expand out with the animation, and we're part of this giant galaxy with billions of stars and billions of planets, okay? And you're like, okay, there it is, the galaxy.

Okay? But then they pull out even further, and it turns out there's millions of galaxies. So the galaxy is already, like, complex enough and intricate and vast, you know, vaster than we can even almost comprehend. But then there's hundreds of thousands, if not millions of galaxies floating out in a bigger layer of cosmos. And then beyond that cosmos, they theorize that we're just, that that cosmos is encased in a bubble,

and that bubble is on a tapestry of billions and billions of other bubbles. And it's just a mindbender. I mean, you watch this show and you go, wow, how small are we? And I don't mean small in terms of what we are as humans, just small in terms of where we sit on, in the order of things, in the order of life, in the order of existence. It's really, I mean, if you can watch the first episode of this show, cosmos in the first like 20 minutes they take you on this ride through the universe and beyond

where you're just you're just sitting here going good lord hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. With all that's going on in the intricate world and the intricate universes, is there really any reason that human beings are fighting? Is there really any reason humans are fighting over patches of land

and colors of skin and different languages and territories and money and religion? And, oh, I watched this thing and I thought, they should force every human being on the planet, every form of government, communist, democratic, ruled by king, whatever. Every human being should have to sit down and watch this thing. And every human being would comprehend it, because it's simple animation, it's a simple narration, and it just kind of shows where we are in this,

endless, endless, um, you know, the world we live in. And to even try and sort of put it in perspective, let me tell you this, take a grain of sand, okay, a grain of one grain of sand, drive a boat 3,000 miles out into the ocean, and drop the grain of sand in the ocean, okay, but now imagine. that there's one million or one billion of these oceans. And I don't even know if I'm doing it justice the way they explain it, but that's where we sit. Because a lot of us probably lay out.

We go, oh, look at the stars. Look at there's the Milky Way. There's the moon. I think I see Mars blinking in the distance. There's the big dipper. Wow, what a big world. Oh, my God. It's so crazy out there.

Oh, my God. It's so big. Look at all the flashing stars, and we're just this little planet. Let's go to Arby's. Who wants to go to Arby's? Okay? It is so beyond what you can even imagine. It's like a mindbender.

And it really makes you question and throw aside all your religious beliefs, all your beliefs in general. You just go, whoa! How in the name of Nellie Frittato are we existing amongst all this trillions and billions and quadrillions of acres and miles of space? And how is every little thing on planet Earth working? How is it that we function? How is it that we exist with other creatures? How is it that when one animal dies, flies land on it?

and the flies lay eggs and the eggs turn into maggots and the maggots eat the carrion and the vultures fly down and eat the bones and the tissue and then new life forms and rain comes and plants grow and oxygen is made and the oceans are swirling with billions of species of marine life and the great herds on the great plains and ah And you look at the context of how Earth functions and how everything fits together. Okay, against the backdrop, again, go back to the imagery I portrayed, dropping one grain of sand in the middle of the ocean. And let's say on that grain of sand, all the stuff that functions on Earth is in that grain of sand. The rivers, the streams,

the trees, the fields, and not just in nature, all the things humans have done. How did we get into the mix where we're actually in a position where we're sitting on this little grain of sand and we somehow have the brain power, the thinking capacity to look out and deduce all the stuff I just described? Up until the dawn of telescopes, humans just thought all that was out there is what you could see

and then there were a few brilliant people that concluded no no it goes out it goes beyond there's more but there was no proof but then they started looking through telescopes and then they started putting the Hubble telescope up in space in orbit and looking beyond and that they can't even see to the end and yet here we are human beings on this planet

inventing fax machines and cell phones and cheers for diseases and we know how to talk to each other and we can watch television and we can invent airplanes and all this stuff that's self-contained on our little planet

and you watch this show and you just go whoa and you go you can't help at least I couldn't help going and this isn't religious This was just like, on face value, I go, there has to be a master plan. There has to be a greater meaning for human beings. Why is every other living organism on this planet incapable of even saying the word the or and?

Our nearest closest relatives, the monkeys and the dolphins, they grunt and they squeak. but we have abilities that are 10 zillionfold beyond their mental capacity. And so you go, why, why, why, why would this one creature have the ability to think, to formulate thoughts, to have knowledge, and not only to have knowledge on its self-contained environment, but to have the knowledge to look out beyond and understand, where things go and actually try to reach out there to send probes, to send satellites, to send rovers, to send spaceships out

and try and probe into that infinite infinity. Oh, it's mind expanding. So I urge you to check it out. It's a fascinating show. Like I said, that first 20, 30 minutes is just, You just kind of sit there numb on your couch going, What? Huh?

We're, and then it's like you opened the back of an old grandfather clock, and you saw all the moving gears and all the cogs and all the pieces, and you just go, whoa, how does everything work? I don't understand. What's happening? How does everything work, man? I better go catch a wave, dude. So if you're having one of those moments, and this is what was really interesting to me,

because life can be sad sometimes. Being human can be very testing. And unfortunately, we get people that end up taking their own lives or take the lives of other people, and they let their petty problems compound their lives to the point where they don't think they can recover or keep going. A romance pushes them over the edge or money problems push them over the edge. or frustration or lack of fulfillment. Excuse me. But I tell you, when you watch this sequence of how small we are,

physically, geographically, in the infinite cosmos, it's like all your problems disappear. You go, wow, I'm just lucky to exist. I'm just lucky to be alive. Screw my problems. I'm going to go stand on the edge of a rock and breathe in the air and watch a bird fly by and squint my eyes into the sun. Throw my arms in the air and go, I exist.

I don't know how. I am a thinking existing creature. I actually understand to a degree who I am and where I am. And we don't know if there's any other living organism. in this vast universe that is aware of where it is. And you realize how special we are. You realize how magnificent the human brain is. The ability to formulate thought and reason and rationale and to imagine.

Oh, my God. I'm getting all fired up. But these are some of the, these are some of the, the things that ran through my head when I watched this show. So I hope you can find it. I don't know if it's online, but it's on Fox, and I think it's called Cosmos, and I think it's called a personal journey into outer space or something like that. But it's not a sci-fi show.

It's more like a documentary based on scientific data and scientific fact, and it's really a look at our existence. It's almost like watching an ultrasound of humanity, of the universe. So anyways, I don't want to blabber on too long about it, but if you want to expand your mind, I'll watch some TV that I'm almost certain it will stimulate some very deep thoughts into your head.

I think it will push your mind to just, open up and go, whoa. And I think you'll think incredible things, and it might even inspire you to, I was sitting there thinking this is the type of footage that can inspire me to change my life, to realize how precious and how small we are, and how little time we have,

and how we all need to contribute and work together to survive, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, Charles Nelson. Sorry about that. He popped back, but I took care of it. So anyways, check it out if you want to. It's just a recommendation. And I hope it stimulates you.

So I'll leave it right there. Rod, you want to come up and clean him again? You want to come in here and clean Charles Nelson Riley up again? Thank you. Good Lord. This is what the Milky Way looks like in infrared. Every single dot, not just the bright month, is a star. How many stars? How many worlds? How many ways of being alive?

Where are we in this picture? See that trailing out our arm? That's where we live. About 30,000 light years from the center, the Milky Way galaxy is the next line of our cosmic address. We're now 100,000 light years from home. It would take light, the fastest thing there is, 100,000 years. to reach us from Earth. This is the Great Spiral in Andromeda, a galaxy next door. We call our two giant galaxies and a smattering of smaller ones, the local group. Can't even find our home galaxy from out here. It's just one of thousands in the Virgo Super

cluster. On this scale, all the objects we see, including the tiniest dots for galaxies. Each galaxy contains billions of suns and countless worlds. Yet, the entire Virgo supercluster itself forms but a tiny part of our universe. This is the cosmos on the grandest scale we know, a network of a hundred billion galaxies. It's the last line. of our cosmic address for now. Observable universe? What does that mean? Even for us in our ship of the imagination,

there's a limit to how far we can see in space-time. It's our cosmic horizon. Beyond that horizon lie parts of the universe that are too far away. There hasn't been enough time in the 13.8 billion year history of the universe universe for their light to have reached us many of us suspect that all of this all the words stars galaxies and clusters in our observable universe is but one tiny bubble in an infinite

ocean of other universes a multiverse universe upon universe Words without end Wow See Words without ends That's just a little piece of it And you know You got to see the animation

Because the animation Goes with the words obviously And you can visually see They just kind of start with planet Earth And just keep pulling back into space And And you can And you can't even get your head around it.

So check it out. There you go. I'm going to leave you hanging right there. Some food for thought for your mind. Food for your mind. So let's end up and the show on that positive note. No more Russian roulette. No more that craziness.

Let's see. Let's get to some announcements here. I'm excited to tell you. that I start my second season of my sitcom this week. Yes, sir, yes, sir. That will be a package deal. We get going on that again. My Canadian sitcom, hopefully it moves down into the States.

Fairly soon, I'll keep you posted. So because of that, I will not be doing any stand-up stuff until, like, I think it's the end of May or it might even be, yeah, It might be the end of May. I'm going over to Ireland to the Kilkenny Cats Laugh Festival in Ireland. So you won't see me around the old North America for a little while, gang. But the podcast will keep coming. Don't worry.

That ain't going anywhere. But check out Harlow Williams.com for all your merchandise at the store. Subscribe to my YouTube. excuse me my YouTube channel got a little that's slotted a bug subscribe to my YouTube

channel will you there use the Amazon link if you're going to buy stuff on Amazon and as always you can write me at Harlowwilliams.com or if you want to leave a message and praise Charles Nelson Riley or be thankful that he's gone

the phone number here you can leave a message 323-739 4330 that's 3233 3739, 43330. You might even get your call on the air. How about that, silly? But that's all we got time for today.

Keep expanding your mind. And remember that the Harlan Highway, no matter where the universe goes, we drive right through it, okay, with this podcast. So thanks for being here, everyone. We're going to split. And until next time, a great big, giant bowl of Intergalactic. Chicken Chalman, baby.