The Harland Highway - 567 - 10 reasons women FAKE ORGASMS, Harland SINGS a song to say goodbye to winter.

Episode Date: April 3, 2014

10 reasons why women fake their ORGASMS, Harland sings a song to say goodbye to winter, a boy digs up something strange in his yard. Bury a Larry!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, sweet Korean crab cake. Everybody have sweet Korean crab cake or not. Don't have a sweet Korean crab cake. I don't care. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway. Nothing to do with Korean cat crab cakes today. Today we are going to be dealing with getting through the winter. Okay, it's been a horrible long-ass winter. And today I'm going to play a song for you. I'm going to sing. a song for you. Yeah, that's right. I said it right. I'm going to sing a song for you that I think will help warm your soul and get you past this horrible winter we've had. Also, we're going to be talking about a young boy who was digging in his backyard and found something quite out of the ordinary.

Very interesting discovery this kid had in his own backyard, well, doing something a little. And then, lastly, we're going to be talking about something very important. We're going to have a list for you of the 10 top reasons how and why women fake their orgasms. Yikes! This is going to be pretty revealing stuff. So, ladies, you better be ready. Guys, you better take notes. We're going to catch you faking your orgasms right here on the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week, quit smoking. I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you. Like I picked the wrong week, quit drinking. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Make fish? Yes, yes, I remember I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how am I funny?

It's like I picked the wrong week to quit in front of me. She's got a thought for Samantha Pintasai. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Pick the wrong week, quick, shness, do. Oh, boy, here we go. This is a kind of a creepy story here. Listen to this headline. Boy digging trout pond finds 1,000-year-old remains.

yikes check it out this is in salt lake city Utah a 14 year old boy digging a trout pond in the backyard of his father's Salt Lake City home stumbled across a surprise the remains of an American Indian

who lived about a thousand years ago good night I guess my first glaring question is does anyone here remember at 14 digging a trout pond Does anyone here remember just going on a fishing trip with their dad? Daddy, can you take me fishing?

No, but if you get to John Deer and dig a giant lake in the backyard, we can fish there. I don't want to waste the gas driving to the lake up north. God. Kids out digging a trout pond? Are you serious? Does anyone here even have a coy pond, let alone a trout pond? So anyways, that's a little creepy to me, okay? Does anyone here seeing the movie Poltergeist?

Does anyone remember Poltergeist where these people built a community on an Indian grave? Uh-huh. You son of a bitch, you moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies. Did you? This son of a fish, you love the bodies, and you only move the headstone! You only move the headstone! Why? Lie!

Why? Okay, well, I hope they don't... Hope this family, because they wanted to put a trout on the dinner plate, don't have to deal with that friendly family from the poltergeist had to deal with. Dolls coming alive and trees reaching through windows, and, oh, yeah, Satan living in the... the bedroom closet. So experts from the Utah Department of Heritage spent Friday removing the remains from this

trout pond, which were confirmed by medical examiners as those of a person from a millennium ago, and investigating the site for archaeological clues after the ninth grader discovered the bones in the trout pond. A millennium ago You know anyone who's a millennium old? What a word Hey man, how old are you? A millennium.

What? You heard me a millennium. You got a problem? No, no, no, no, no. Easy. So this valley where the kid was digging the fish pond,

again, I'm still a bit baffled at that. You know, I'm glad to see he's not playing video games like too many kids are playing video games these days and we're always saying go outside do something outside but to dig up a lake that maybe is a bit too severe maybe i want that kid playing a video game but it says humans occupied this valley for up to 10 000 years um and and the the people who are the spokespeople for this situation say we do run into situations where progress or progress runs into the ancient past.

Yeah. Progress. Poultergeist. Progress. Poultergeist. If you say them real fast, they sort of sound the same. Progress, poltergeist, progress, poltergeist, progress, poltergeist. Uh-huh.

Okay. So a forensic anthropologist will analyze the remains to learn more, including this person's sex and cultural affiliation. Report will go to the State Division of Indian Affairs, which will try to determine whether the remains are linked to current tribes. And the tribe may claim the remains and perform interment rights. Oh, boy. There goes the neighborhood, man.

Yeah, I'm guessing if there's one body there, chances are there might be more. and you folks should probably start packing your bags because once they find out that sacred Indian land, you're gone. And rightfully so, man. The Indians had a very, very close connection to the planet, to the earth. And if they're buried there, there's probably a good reason. And I think that type of Indian burial,

or even Indian in general, needs to be respected. because the Indian folks were connected to the land. We just put up developments and neighborhoods and complexes and phase four and phase five, the sundown estates. But the Indian tribes, the Indian Native American peoples, they worship the land. They walked the land. They touched the land.

felt the land they connected with the land and uh so you guys might might be moving out if if uh you know the spirits of the indians now that you've now that you've opened the uh you know opened the the the the coffin so to speak that the the trout pond coffin has been opened um and it says other private property in salt lake is occasionally yield yielded native american gray The department typically receives about six reports of ancient remains statewide each year. Ooh. So who knows, you might be living on a, you might be living on a something, something. For those of you who don't know, I'd say get out in your backyard and dig up a trout pond and see what shows up.

So this family, the little boy, the 14-year-old, said he'd been working on the trout pond for a couple of weeks until he discovered what he initially thought was just an animal bone and that's never good right because whenever you find an animal bone you kick it you pick it up with a shovel you throw it you know if you're a 14 year old kid you probably start hitting stuff with it or you pick oh look at this and you maybe you throw it for your dog or something here's sparky i found a bone there's Sparky running around with Chief Dan George's femur Okay

That's no way to respect the Native Americans Sparky's running around with Big Chief Sitting Bulls scapule in his mouth Uh-uh Can't do that Got to show some respect The Trout Pond kid As I'm going to call him said

When I looked like a human skull. Then it definitely was a bit creepy, he told the TV place. I really do think there's other bones nearby, and I don't think it's that unlikely or that lucky that I stumbled across this. See? What I'm saying?

It's not lucky, man. This is Indians dealt in the spirit world. Indians were connected to the land of spirit world. I don't know. I hope, and I'm not saying anything bad about the Indians, but I hope there's no curse or any type of weird spirit that, you know, maybe this wasn't supposed to be on Earth. Son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones.

Yikes. So this family urged the public to contact law enforcement authorities if human remains are on Earth so they can be removed. professionally and respectfully. This kid's father notified the Salt Lake City Police after his son's discovery, and there was a phantom skull ghost standing at the end of his bed in a full headdress. Hello. You must get out of here.

No. Yeah. A little spooky. So be careful where you're digging your trout ponds, boys and girls. and good luck to these people and on a serious note I hope maybe these bones lead to something or maybe they lead to a clue to the past

or maybe they bring some kind of unanswered questions to the tribes that maybe lost this person or people that are buried down there but I will say this this family will not be eating trout for a long time You better just do what you should have done in the first place, bought a canoe and driven up north about four hours and throwing your fishing line in, you lazy. There you go.

Indian bones, RIP, rest in peace. And speaking of not getting any peace, there are still people around North America who are still having to deal with the wind. It's been a brutal winter. It's been a long, long, long, long-ass winter. It's still snowing and storming in some places in Canada, in the United States. It's ridiculous. It's redonculus. And, you know, everyone who's had to deal with snow and cold and ice and wind has just had enough.

So what I thought I'd do today as a little treat is, you know, every now and then I lay down a song for you guys, okay? I think I've mentioned before that I have a cousin who's a very talented musician. He's in a band called The Bare Naked Ladies. It's my cousin Kevin. And we have a little hobby band. We call the cousins, and we just get together when we can and we throw it. We've found goofy little songs, love songs, and poppy tunes, and just, I don't know. There's no genre style to what we do.

We just kind of go where we feel like going. I mean, recently we laid down a club rage mix song that maybe I'll throw up here for you one of these days. But for now, I want to play a song that hopefully warms you up, pulls you out of the winter and the cold. and remind you of a warm, soft place in the tropics. It's a mushy love song, I know. If you want to speed forward, you can. My cousin, Kevin, he lays down all the music. I write the lyrics and I sing the songs.

Some of our songs are good. Some of them are bad. Some of them are in the middle. But nonetheless, we do it just for fun. and I thought this would be a perfect time to lay down this song. It's called Tropical Horizons, and it's kind of a love song for lovers who sneak away to that tropical place that I think we've all seen in pictures, or if you're lucky enough, you've been there in person. And it's just warm, the ocean, romance.

Am I painting the picture? So here it is to help bring us out of a long, miserable, freezing winter. Here's a little song, me and my cousin laid down from the band The Cousins. And it's called Tropical Horizons. I hope it warms you right to the bounds. Here we go. Play a roj. Down on the beach where the sweet warm wind blows

The conch shell is calling and everybody knows Romance in the sunset where the sky's all pink and blue Put your hand in mine and I'll tell you that I love you Ooh Put your arms around me Whisper in my ear Can you feel the magic both of us right here? Tropical horizons under the palm tree.

Tropical horizons, sun melts in the sea. Steel drums in the distance and the sand in between my toes. Tid is drifting slowly got no idea where it goes The birds cross the clouds flying into paradise I hold you so closely your eyes like a starry night I can feel your body So glad we are here It's just a little naughty

Holding you, my dear Tropical horizons Washing over me Tropical horizon The way that it should be Tropical rises Darling can't you say Tropical rises

Fall in love with me Fall in love with me Fall in love with me Fall in love with me Tropical horizon Tropical horizon Sunset in your eyes Reflecting in your eyes

Reflecting purple skies rising down reflecting purple skies and sunset in your eyes and rising there it is there it is there. There it is. Are you there? You're in that romantic place, standing on the beach with your lover, the sun going down, birds crossing the sky, palm trees blowing in the wind, steel drums in the distance, are you there?

Did I warm me up? Did I exercise the demons of winter? May the body of Christ compel you? No, no, wait a easy, easy, easy. So there it is, a little offering to shed the winter blues for finally once and for all. A little offering from me and my cousin, also known as the smash sensation pop band, The Cousins. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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We had a blast making it. Just to give you a little background on how we came up with that song, it really just came from an improvisation. Well, how me and my cousin Kevin create our songs, and I've played a few of them over the years on this podcast, is basically he just starts playing something. And we hit the record button on, you know, our record system, and then I just start singing. I just start making up the sound and making up the lyrics.

And we shut the recording device off, and we go, Oh, that one sounds kind of fun. And we just kind of take the ones we like and develop them and go into a studio and, you know, put them together. So that's what this was. So I hope you enjoyed it. Hope it warmed you up. And here's hoping we all are eating conk fritters on a nice sunny beach somewhere real, real soon. Hey-oh!

One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Okay. Here we go. It finally came out. You knew it was going to. It's a story that's been hitting all the newspapers, all the blogs, all the blah, blah, blah. And it's basically an article states. why women fake orgasms.

And I don't know how many you ladies out there do it. But we're going to count down the top ten reasons why women fake the orgasm. And men, this is for you to, you know, listen in on as well. because, you know, your lady might be faking it and you don't know it. Or if she is, you don't know why. Then maybe you have to have a fake orgasm talk with her. So here's reason number one.

Women want to please their partner. You know how a guy will often say that if he can bring a woman to orgasm and not only turns him on to watch the pleasure he brings to his partner, but also brings him close to his own climax as well. Well, since a woman is always looking to please her man, faking an orgasm, will put a smile on his face and boost his ego at the same time. Not unless he figures out that he's faking it.

And then you're going to get the exact opposite. Okay? So be careful, ladies, because, you know, don't think us men are that insensitive. Don't think we're that gullible. um we might be able to pick it off we might be able to tell and if we feel you're faking it that could lead to some problems here's number two everyone loves a challenge women get a little thrill from being able to control a guy's gradual climb to a climax it's a

feeling of power the challenge comes and seeing how excited you can get your guy and how long you can prolong his orgasm. The fact that a woman can get her guy off with a fake orgasm whenever she feels like it can be very satisfying. Well, I'll say it again. Be careful. If you find out you're faking it, it's going to, like, crush the guy's ego.

He's going to think he's not able to get you there. He's going to think you don't think he's a good lover. I'm not speaking from experience, obviously. For those of you that thought I knew a bit too much about a woman faking it, thank you very much. Here's the third reason why women fake orgasms. One is not in the mood. Sad but true, sometimes women really are not in the mood and just want to get it over with.

And again, so as not to bruise her man's ego, the woman will simply act out of fake orgasm in order to give her partner pleasure. I don't know, that's some, that's some crappy acting. It seems like a lot of acting and fuss, and, I mean, that's some intense acting. I mean, if you're, you know, most people aren't actors. Most people just go to work and come home and watch TV and eat their dinner. It's not like you can go to orgasm acting school.

I mean, just to act out a simple scene in a play. where two people are sitting having tea is a lot of work. So imagine arching your back and grinding your pelvis and moaning and crying and praising and praising God. Oh, God. You know, I mean, it's like watching two seagulls, mate. I don't know. Is it worth all the acting?

There's not like an award show for fake orgasms. And now for the best fake orgasm, please welcome to the stage. You know, there's no Oscars given out for fake orgasm. Here's number four. Number four, why a woman fakes an orgasm. Number four, pain is not always good. Although some people get aroused when there's some level of pain during sex, Not all pain is good.

If a woman is experiencing pain or discomfort during intercourse, it could be an indication that something is medically wrong. Nevertheless, she may simply fake it to bring things to an end more quickly rather than say something's wrong and spoil her mate's enthusiasm. Well, wait a minute. If you're suffering pain or you've got some kind of ailment or deformity or condition, I mean, is sexual activity really smart at that point? Don't mind the blood all over the sheets, Gerald.

I'm loving this. Oh, did you just hear me orgasm? Who cares if there's blood all over the place? It doesn't matter. I don't care that there's a baby's leg hanging out. I mean, good Lord. Let's move on to number five. If things get too comfortable as number five,

at some point in every relationship, things get comfortable, and we start to let things go, including our own physical appearance. We might frequently skip the gym, indulge in decadent desserts, and forget too often to dress up and look nice for our significant other.

Well, all these things do, in fact, have an impact on our desire for one another. If a man gets a beer gut, that can definitely dampens a woman's fires, and she may fake an orgasm instead of hurting his feelings. Really? How about just go hide the six-pack in the fringe? Or, you know, I don't think men are that stupid that if you said to a man, ladies,

you know what, John? Your giant belly, okay, with all the hair on it, hanging over your private parts while we're making love makes me feel like I'm having intercourse with another pregnant woman your fat jiggly hairy

beer gut is disgusting it's hairy it's got stretch marks and it smells I'm not making love to you till you get rid of it wouldn't you rather do that Give the incentive to the guy to get back to being sexy

versus, well, I'll let the fat, ugly slob do me, and, you know, I'll just fake it so I can end it. Yuck! Ladies, have some self-respect for your own bodies. Your own person. You don't want a big, fat, ugly guy that doesn't even attract you having sex with you anymore. Yuck!

And it works the same thing. same way for the guys, man. If the ladies get too big and out of shape and, you know, they look like models when you married them and now they look like, you know, Rosie O'Donnell at a Golden Corral buffet, you got to say something, man, because you're just spiraling into the land of flubber at that point. Here is the number six reason women have fake orgasms. Going to bed mad, okay? One piece of advice for all couples is you should not go to bed angry.

Oh, yeah, I think we all kind of know that one, right? I think everybody's gone to bed angry. That's just trouble. Well, sometimes it happens regardless. And in order to avoid an argument, okay, in order to avoid an argument in the old saccharoni, females will often swallow their disappointment and grow through the necessary bedroom motions while pretending to enjoy it.

I mean, after you've had an argument with your significant other, isn't it hard enough to even look at them, to kiss them? I mean, how do you get it up, so to speak, when you've just had a big fight? That's the point when you're least attracted to your partner. You're like, you know, they're saying everything that goes against everything you believe in or want. Yet at that moment in time during an argument, you're like polar opposites. I mean, it's the last thing you want to do is get naked and go,

hey, Carol, you know, that was a great fight. I mean, I hate your guts right now and everything you said makes me want to puke. And I wish I'd never met you. You feel like getting it on right now? Yeah, let's take our clothes off and do it. I don't know. Then again, sometimes there's this thing called the anger blank, which can be the opposite,

where you've had a fight, and there's all this tension and hostile aggression and anger, and couples will go at it, and all that raw energy, all that angst, and all that pent-up emotion, actually comes out. in the energy of the lovemaking, and it can be quite explosive and quite erotic and quite... And I'm not speaking from experience again.

Why do you keep thinking... Stop it. Let's move on. Geez. The number seven reason women fake orgasms, lack of technique. Okay, guys, listen up. Communication is the key to success in a relationship. and communicating during sex is very important.

Yeah, text each other. Especially when you're getting to know each other's particular pleasures. A woman knows her own body. So when she tells you to speed things up or slow them down, pay attention to her, quote, coaching. Maybe give her a whistle on a striped bra. If she wants a certain position, take the hint. Make her happy and she will not have to fake it.

Okay, well, what if she has a position that the guy doesn't like? You know, that happens? Sometimes one partner likes one position and another likes another. One might like the missionary and the other might like the doggy style or 69 or whatever. The other one might be like, ooh, I hate that. So that could be trouble. The number eight reason women fake orgasms. Eight, not enough time.

Most women cannot climax within minutes. Hmm. That might be true. Many are self-conscious thinking that they are taking too long to climax, causing their partner to become tired. So the woman kicks in the theatrics so that the man can feel like he's done a good job. I think I might have had that happen to me before. And I'm hanging my head.

And it wasn't a situation where I was rushing her. I didn't care how long it took, but I could tell. I could sense that she was getting self-conscious about it in her own mind. And I can't verify she faked it, but I think she did. And here's a hint, guys. If you're feeling that or you sense that, just stop what you're doing and say, hey, baby. Just chill. There's no rush.

Let's take our time. it's cool it's cool don't you know we'll get there and if we don't get there don't sweat it you know just enjoy what's happening and you know if we don't if we don't get to the top of the mountain if we don't if we don't crest the summit of everest hey we had a nice climb and we'll climb back down and we'll try again tomorrow try and plant a flag in it tomorrow And I'll bring some oxygen and some goggles. Okay, let's move on. Number nine.

Ninth reason why women don't have orgasms. Men and women are different. Duh. Although sex encounters for men are typically great, most women will reach orgasm more easily with someone they feel a connection with. If a certain level of trust has been established, a woman will feel relaxed in the arms of her partner resulting in enjoying, enjoyable, and satisfying sex.

Nonetheless, keep in mind that women can still enjoy sex without having an orgasm. Okay. That makes sense. You know, I think that goes for men too. It always helps if there's a connection, I would think. Unless there's men out there that just like to go for, like, you know, streetwalkers and prostitutes.

They're clearly not looking for a, connection, but I think most of us, normal people, uh, crave some kind of a connection. And, uh, and, uh, you know, that certainly helps. So that makes sense. Now, let's move along to the final reason, women fake orgasms. Number 10. Not like that. It's not going to happen. Yeah, that's number 10. Not like that. It's not going to happen. all women can achieve orgasm through intercourse, some can only reach it through clitoral stimulation.

In most cases, oral sex is your best bet. How about that, guys? Forget about doing the deed. Just get oralizing. Oralize that fake orgasm oralize a real orgasm. so that she doesn't have to oralize a fake orgasm, and I know oralize isn't a word, thank you. I'm just making up words to take the edge off of this uncomfortable conversation about orgasms.

What if my parents are listening? Ew. So there it is. The 10 reasons they say, I'm not saying, you know, we don't have to agree with any of these, that women fake the orgasm. And if you think about it, it's something guys can't really do. Guys can't fake the orgasm. Well, you know what, guys can fake the orgasm, but it's a lot trickier.

Guys have to maybe do it when they're inside of their woman and pretend that they had their moment. And she's like, are you sure? And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, it's, you know, I did it inside. Like, oh, I didn't feel it. Well, you know, what can I say? I mean, you know, it's in there. Oh, okay.

Well, I guess so. So guys could do it if they're sneakier if it's dark enough. They're in a dark room. They could say, oh, yeah, it went off. I'm going to go get a towel. Well, where is it? Well, it's on the floor. Oh, yeah, you just stay there.

I'm going to go get a towel, and there's nothing there. so it is possible for a guy to fake it, but it's a lot harder because guys, you know, as we say, produce the evidence. So, you know, I think that the key to this is communicate, talk, and, you know, get to know, get to know each other and share and figure it all out. It'll be no more faking. So I hope that helps And I think we'll leave the show on that

Some valuable orgasm information for you Sound good, everybody? All right, well, let's close it up. My head's spinning. But I want to thank you for being here at the Harlan Highway today. I hope you had a fun time. You know, if you need to clear your head, go back and listen. to the song, Tropical Horizons,

go dig up an Indian grave, whatever you have to do. But thank you for being here. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway so they can enjoy the fake orgasm fun. And make sure you visit Harlem Williams.com where you can check out our merchandise store.

You can join my YouTube channel and get all my wacky videos. You just have to subscribe at the subscribe button. You can check my stand-up. comedy schedule there you can do all kinds of things click on the amazon link if you want to go shopping we get a little kickback if you click on to amazon through my website and you can write me if you have any letters or you want to tell me about your

fake orgasm experience oh i'd love to hear this and put it on the show you can write me at harlem williams.com there's a little link there to write me or there's a phone number on the home page where you can call and leave a voicemail and say whatever you want and if you want to tell us about a fake orgasm story love to hear it um and you ladies don't be afraid to call you know we we'd love to hear from the girls on this one so ladies if you've ever faked it you don't have to leave your name you don't have to leave where you live just share your story so us guys can learn from you and guys if you've ever faked a big oh hey you can call in

too and but don't you can't make it up it's got to be real so harlwilliams.com for that also check out atc.com all things comedy dot com that is the podcast network where you can hear this show as well and many other funny stand-up comedians with podcasts on all things comedy and that is it man we are going to close it up thanks for being here love you guys and we'll catch you next time and until then keep those orgasms real and chicken chalmayne baby

son of a fish that left the bodies and you only move the headstone! You only move the headstone! Lie! Lie! Thank you. Thank you.