The Harland Highway - 569 - PAINFUL science experiments, Girl action heros.

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

Are painful science experiments really needed? Are little girls really qualified to be the stars of action movies? And confessions from a garbage eater. Sawdust on my stardust!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Cooky, cookie show today. We got an interesting show today. We're going to start the show off with some science, okay? Somebody's done some really clever, inventive experimentation that could lead to a lot of groundbreaking science. I can't wait to tell you about that. You will be astounded and amazed how stupid, I mean, how informative and important this science is.

Also, I got some phone calls from some of the pavement pounders. I had done a podcast a few weeks ago about admitting to eating food out of the garbage. And I asked you guys to call in, and believe it or not, some of you, God bless you, called in and told me, shared your food garbage stories with me, so I don't feel like such the moron myself anymore. and then also I'm going to get into a topic that irks me where I find that movies are trying to make women and little girls these big tough-ass heroines these ball-busting super strong invincible heroines

in action movies now and I'm not buying it so I'm going to be talking about that I'm going to get all fired up so put your helmet on eat your snow cone shine your shoes because here we go. You are on the one and only Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week. Chris Moore. I'm funny how. I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you. Like I took the wrong week.

Good drink. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.

What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How am I funny? Like, I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamine. That is thought for Samantha thing to sign. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quick, sniff and brew. Okay, okay. Let's infuse today's show with something smart right out of the gate. Let's go scientific. on your asses right out of the gate.

And that sounds fun. Let's dip into a scientific study that I think, you know, will be of interest to each and every one of you listening. So, as we know, scientists have always enjoyed eureka moments, you know. The eureka, they figure something out or they have a brainstorm. and this was the words of a scientist named Michael Smith when of all things a bee okay you ready for this

a bee inadvertently flew up his shorts and stung him on the scrotum yes a wayward honeybee and that was the spur for the scientist to explore how pain affects humans. And he did this by forcing the bees to sting him, literally from head to toe over a span of five weeks. Oh, boy. So a fluky accident, a rogue bee flying up his shorts,

and again, guys, I encourage you to wear tighter shorts. You know, the big baggy ones where living things can get up inside to wear the buffalo rome. not a good idea I mean most shorts even if they're baggy have some meshing inside around the groin area

so that things don't come dangling out and maybe these bees are doing us a favor they're like oh no oh no oh no he is not letting his nuts hang out

oh no I'm putting an end of that maybe Maybe bees are the guardians of the shorts, and they make sure that men don't drop their chestnuts. So anyways, this became a study where the scientist wanted to find out where it would hurt the most if he got stung. He said if you're wearing shorts and doing bee work, a bee can get up there easy. Yeah, I don't know anyone dumb enough to do bee work and wear shorts. But this scientist speculated would really hurt to get stung in the testicles. Two days later, by chance, I did get stung there.

But I was really surprised that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. So in the name of science, this scientist put himself through the pain, the pain barrier. You know, so a little hard to believe, but he said this, he said, I'm being stung in the genitals again once he started the official test, of course. You know, the first bee sting on the nuts was free, I guess. He goes, the first one during the test, he recalled, it wasn't a pleasurable experience, put it that way.

It didn't worry me. I knew the swelling would go down. I mean, with you guys up there, out there, put your hand up. Love science to the point where you're like, you know what? I'm going to get a bee to sting me in the balls. And then tomorrow I'm going to grab a scorpion. And then maybe on day four, I'll have a honey badger. Have a go at my nuts.

The hell? So anyways, he did this study and he said, despite being stung in his most sensitive areas, he can confirm the worst place to be stung, rather surprisingly. And are you ready for this gang? It wasn't his

ballies. Okay? It wasn't his ballies. Guess where it was? It was his nose. He explained if you're stung in the nose and the penis, you're going to want more stings to the penis over the nose. You know, if you're

forced to choose. there's definitely no crossing of wires of pleasure and pain down there it's painful getting stung on the nose is a whole body experience your body really reacts you're sneezing and wheezing and snot is just dribbling out it's electric and pulsating okay is this guy a scientist or is this guy the gimp from pulp fiction i picture this guy going into work in the morning and putting on the white robe and doing the science stuff and at night he puts on a leather mask and spandex pants and climbs into a foot locker with his lover. Yikes. And I don't know.

Why would you want to do a test where snotts dribbling out of your face? So anyways, Michael Smith, the guy says he previously studied B.K. and he took agitated bees and forceps and applied them to 25 different areas of his body he then rated the resulting pain from zero to 10 and he did not just do it once the human guinea pig stung himself three times in each area come on dude at times you needed to use a mirror and adopt some awkward poses to get some harder to reach areas uh can you see a bum hole. Although to a bee, that probably looks like the entrance to a beehive.

He's lucky they didn't go right up. The scientist says I originally had the eye on the list. So apparently he wanted to sting his eye. But when I talked to my advisor, he was concerned I might go blind. The scientist says I wanted to keep my eyes. Yeah, good choice. You know, because you want to be able to see when you're sticking a honeybee on your bag.

Okay? I mean, you know, you don't want to miss putting an agitated honey bee on your nutsack. That's just, that'd be stupid. The findings long-term usefulness may not be obvious, but the results published in the scientific journal are certainly unexpected and thought-provoking. It turns out the more delicate parts of the body do not react as badly to bee stings compared to areas where you might expect the skin to be thicker and less sensitive. Although his testicles were the fourth worst place to be stung,

with a pain rating of 7.0, that was equally as painful as being stung in the palm and the cheek. The penis was only marginally more uncomfortable was a 7.3 rating. His nostril, with a rating of 9.0, was the most. painful with the upper lip not far behind with an 8.7. Good Lord. Maybe you might want to open your skull up and sting your brain, and maybe it will jumpstart your neurons to start clicking again, and you can realize what a dip shit you are. I mean, what's, gee, Ed, can you release the bull moose? Yeah, let them ram me into the barn wall.

No, no, I just want to test the pain. I mean, how much does it hurt to have a bull moose ram into me? He said the least painful place to be stung by a bee with ratings 2.3 was the upper arm, the middle toe, and the head. He said, getting stung on top of the skull was like having an egg smashed on your head. The pain is there, but then goes away. Michael now believes the pain map he developed could be relevant to other types of hurt and injury. He said with a healthy pinch of salt, I would say it's applicable to other types of pain.

What's entering, what's interesting is that just because you're sensitive to a place via touch doesn't mean you'll be sensitive to a place via pain. We do have a poor understanding of pain and how it is perceived. Well, no, I don't think we have a poor understanding. I think most human beings understand perfectly clear that if you put a bee on your body and it stings you, it hurts. And once again, especially on your hairy nutbag. But finally, he admitted, others may have very different sensitivities to him, Michael added.

If someone else did this, they'd probably have different locations that they felt were the worst. Whether anyone is willing to volunteer is another. matter that's exactly right this is a study that will be done by you and no one else ever again i mean good lord dude you why don't you just like uh you ever see those nature shows where bears bears get out in the woods and they just get their closet are ripping open a tree and eating honey like you should have at least tried that dude scientist dude you know at least you would got a nice snack out of the deal but just you can picture a guy standing

in a laboratory naked and here's B number one here's B number two I mean good Lord this guy stung himself all over

the body so hope you're happy I hope you figured something out I think we've just all figured out You are an effing moron. Here we are, children. Come and get your lollipops.

Lollipops. Come along by little ones. Lollipop. Ice cream, chocolate all free today. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Snow calling out from Seattle, Washington. A couple podcasts back I was listening to you actually on the way back from taking my finals over at the Art Institute of Seattle. And you brought us up an interesting question to the pavement pounders, excuse me, which is, have you ever dug through the trash for food? My answer real quickly is yes. As a matter of fact, I have. I do it on a key. when my folks actually happen to throw away donuts that they feel maybe stale when in fact they're still good.

You know, I'll take a donut that may look stale, put in a microwave, maybe he'd look for anywhere between, you know, 15, 20, even 30 seconds, take it out. It's fresh to me anyways. It's warm. Still tastes good. You know, all it basically is is just. a little ball of dough with some sugar on. Fantastic. All right, buddy. Keep it up. Chicken, chalmy, and baby.

Wow, there you go. The snow has just landed, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for the call snow. And I'll tell you what's so good about hearing this call because, my God, I just got some snowflakes in my throat. When I did the segment a few podcasts back, as you correctly stated, I thought maybe I was the only big. Billy Goat out there that had picked a food out of the garbage and eaten it.

And boy, oh boy, did I feel alone, scared, alienated, frightened, tired, and vulnerable. But God bless Snow for blowing in over the horizon and sharing his donut story with us. First of all, Snow, I'm mad at your parents, Hurricane and Typhoon, for throwing down. donuts in the garbage. You don't throw, you're absolutely right. You don't toss donuts in the garbage. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as you,

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It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

You eat them. even when they're old donuts don't go old even when they're moldy just pretend it's icing who throws away a donut not me so good for you um plucking them out of the garbage those little round delights and and i got to say snow you're a bit of a rebel i mean it sounds like you stuck the donuts from the the garbage donuts in the microwave and And you must have a big pair, and I hope a bee doesn't sting them. But it sounds like you put them in the microwave for how long? You know, 15, 20, even 30 seconds.

Whoa, even 30 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Snow, who are you? Who, what frozen weatherfront did you come from, Snow? Now, you pulled an old donut out of the garbage, and you put it in the microwave. Tell our listeners again, for how long? You know, 15, 20, even 30 seconds. Dude, you better not be snow blowing snow up my, wow. Well, hey, first of all, I'm standing here saluting you.

I have my, I literally have my hand on my forehead. I'm saluting you snow. for first of all having the courage to eat out of the garbage can and secondly for the love of donuts I'm saluting you that is that is just all around a heartwarming good story so thank you for sharing snow and uh I wonder if any more of you have any of those garbage stories hi Harland it's Jeremy from Los Angeles again so I got one for you when I was a kid I used to go to this summer camp that was a fully functioning farm.

And to reduce waste, what we would do is at the end of every meal, all the kids would take all their leftovers and scrape it in this thing called a piggy bucket, and we'd collect all those and feed them to the pigs. So I had the great idea, and I was trying to impress the girl I liked. So I thought, man, wouldn't you think it's badass if I ate something out of the piggy bucket? So I did. So I reached in, and I thought it was just like a leftover cookie, a chocolate chip cookie, and I reached him, I grabbed it, and it was covered and other juices and fluids, and I ate it.

And it wasn't a chocolate chip cookie. It was a raisin cookie. And I didn't give a shit that I ate something out of the piggy bucket, but the fact that I ate a raisin out of the piggy bucket was probably the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my entire life. Note to self, don't eat raisin. Wait a minute. I'm confused here. So you didn't mind eating out of the piggy bucket. but to eat a raisin is unthinkable, despicable, and vomit-worthy, it sounds like.

I'm not sure. I think I would probably eat a truckload of raisins before I started eating out of the piggy bucket. And let me just set something else straight here, my friend, my mixed-up piggy-bucket-eaten friend. And Snow, if you're still listening, this is for you too. There's a million ways to impress a girl. You could water ski. You could walk on the top of a fence. You could do a cartwheel.

You could sing her a song. Write her a poem. I don't know that there's that many girls that really go for the guy who eats dirty cookies covered in juices out of the piggy bucket. Man, wouldn't she think it's badass if I ate something out of the piggy bucket? Jeremy, no, N-O, okay? Women don't want to date guys that eat food out of the... You're cracking me up, man, out of the piggy bucket.

Snow? Are you listening to me? I mean, now I'm picturing snow taking stuff out of the piggy bucket and putting it in the microwave. You know, 15, 20, even 30 seconds. No, snow, no. No piggy bucket for you.

Okay, guys. Oh. Snow promised me you're not going to, you're not going to eat anything out of, Don't you're not going to eat donuts out of the piggy bucket, snow? Uh, my answer real quickly is yes. No, no, no, no, no, snow, no, no, snow, no, no, no snow, no, no snow, no, no snow. Uh, my answer real quickly is yes.

Jeremy, will you help me here? Will you tell him how bad it was for you to eat out of the piggy bucket? I didn't give a shit that I ate something out of the piggy bucket. Okay, well, Jeremy. and snow i i've tried to help and obviously i can't okay so i'm leaving it up to you guys and i guess i'm part of your group you and me and jeremy and snow and me and jeremy and me we're like the three stooges are like the three billy-goats gruff we've admitted to eating garbage food.

Maybe the three of us should just get in a truck and drive out to a garbage dump somewhere and graze. Make a meal of it. We'll wear lobster bibs and like candles and just crawl around on our knees and our hands. Me and Jeremy and snow. And we'll eat garbage. Like real piggy bucket people should. Right? Am I right, Snow?

My answer real quickly is yes. Okay, thank you, Snow. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you for your phone calls. Boy, I make new friends all the time here on the Harland Highway. And what interesting, we're going to be like a dinner club, the three of us. And if any of you out there, any of you pavement pounders would like to join Jeremy and Snow and me at the garbage dump on our knees, on our hands and knees, eating tin cans and grapefruit rinds and banana peels and diapers you are welcome it's free to join god now if you want

to phone in with any of your comments go to harloweems dot com and you will you will see on the home page the phone number right there to call in thanks for your calls guys thanks for sharing your stories and uh rog let's let's move on here i'm getting a bit of an upset stomach cheeseburger with everything coming up. All right, I want to pick a bone a little bit here. And I hope it doesn't come off as sexist, but it might. But who cares? I got to get this off my chest.

I went to see this movie called Divergent, okay? And it was one of these movies. It was kind of like a Hunger Games rip-off where it followed the story of like a 13-year-old farm girl who lived in the country and picked onions in a burlap dress, had no worldly experience, lived in a calm little farming community, and she was plucked out of obscurity and thrown into the world of high, violent, combative, highly trained militia type, special forces, men. and we're talking grown-up men, we're talking grown boys, we're talking adolescent boys,

we're talking guys that were ripped and trained in martial arts and blah, blah, blah. And the story follows as this little girl who gets thrown into the middle of this and starts to train to be a warrior like them. And after about three sessions on a gym mat, suddenly she's some kind of lethal

walking weapon and it just it just blows I mean I if I wasn't with friends I would have walked the hell out of this movie I'm sorry I just I can't take these movies

where women young girls skinny little model type girls and women who are beautiful to look at and maybe talented actresses but get thrown into this world of raw violence where men

whether you like it or not ladies if you're listening are born with superior strength to females it's just nature it's biology so you can't call that sexist that's just the way it is and these highly trained

lethal weapon men are getting you know kicked around by, you know, a 12-year-old schoolgirl with freckles on her face who has about as much muscle tone as the Pillsbury doughboy. And, oh, it just drives me nuts. Now, that's not to say there aren't women out there that can kick ass. There are.

There's women in the military. There's women in professional fighting, boxing, martial arts. Of course they can do it. But if you're going to do a movie about that, then get me a woman that looks like she could kick some ass. Don't give me a kid that looks like she shows up at my door once you're selling girl guide cookies and expect me to believe that a 12-year-old freckle-faced girl that weighs that weighs 78 pounds can kick the crap out of every guy in the, you know, friggin martial arts.

world and so here i am suffering through this movie watching this this stupid kid uh go through the motions and i was just like good lord and then on top of that they tried to center up as some kind of girl with all this superior mental ability like you're some kind of genius and clairvoyant and that never paid off and uh i guess i'm just a little tired of it feels like hollywood's really pushing the whole women as the hero thing. And I guess that's okay, but give it to me, make me believe it. Just don't throw it down there. It's like, well, here's our story.

It's a girl, and she's going to kick everyone's ass. You remember Ripley and in the alien movies? Like, now that was a fully developed heroin. That was a woman who had the means and the wherewithal and the skill and the acting ability to, you felt like she was kicking ass. Remember Terminator 2 when the mother was doing chin-ups in her jail cell and she was ripped and she was pumped and she was full of anger? that there's a woman, I believe, could kick some ass. Even Laura Croft Tomb Raider, you know?

It's like at least Angelina Jolie look ripped. You know, she looked like maybe she could kick some ass. But these are full-grown women. These are women that, you know, have experience and have some moxie. Don't give me a nine-year-old kid with freckles. and they can barely walk and they're beating up full grown men and doing roundhouse kicks

and punching them and oh man don't waste your money on this movie it's just horrible I'm just waiting for the day when they remake Dirty Harry and it's some crazy 15 year old girl like Lindsay Lohan

go ahead make my day I didn't hear you punk What? So that's my beef. I don't want to dwell on it. I don't want to keep going on it, but I am peeved about that. What I want you to do is go look at the trailer for Divergent, okay? Go online.

Go look at the trailer. I'm going to play you a little clip right now, and you can just hear by the kid's voice. 13 years old, 14, freckles, skinny. Looks like she couldn't punch her way out of a. soggy bag of potatoes and just I don't know I don't blame the actress I blame the producers and whoever wrote the damn

movie it's like come on you know if you're gonna create some guy a crazy chick hero make her worthy of my time here it is listen to a sampling of the trailer

100 years ago after the war Our founders created a system they believed would create lasting peace. They divided society into five factions. The only way you can survive is for each of you to claim your rightful place. Everyone is tested to determine who we are and where we belong. Say goodbye to your families. Are you nervous?

No. I'm terrified. You ready? You ready? You're able to control and conquer your fears. They call it divergent. You don't fit into a category. They can't control you.

You can't trust anyone. You have to hide inside a faction to survive. And this is. We will be watching. To see who you really are, I know what you are. You're afraid of heights. Everyone's afraid of something, but not you. Fear doesn't shut you down and wakes you up.

That's what makes you dangerous. She's going to kill me. We have to be ready for anything. The world is changing. You'll have to decide who you're loyal to. All of my life, I've lived by your roles. Not anymore. not anymore because i haven't even had my first period yet i mean you can just hear it in her voice

doesn't that sound like a kid don't waste your time go watch the trailer and be your own judge what do i know but anyways that's my two cents worth and i'm going to hang this show up right there before i go divergent on somebody i'm gonna i'm this close to going and eating donuts out of my garbage can Anyways That's it Let's stop right there Thanks for being here

One and all Tell your friends about the Harland Highway Please check out Harlan Williams.com Where you can write to me at Harlemwilms.com If you want to leave me an email

If you want to leave a phone message As some of our wonderful listeners Do Snow And my other new buddy Oh unbelievable and uh the phone numbers right there on the home page at harlum williams.com um also uh check out the store while you're there uh the harlem williams merchandise store you can buy some fun goofy wacky items t-shirts books CDs movies artwork

all kinds of stuff man um what else can i tell you um check out atc.com all things comedy dot com which is the another network where you can find my show and that is it man i'm going to leave it right there i'd subscribe to my youtube channel while you're at harlow williams dot com and uh click on the amazon link if you're going to be shopping on amazon that helps the uh podcast out a little bit and that's it thanks for being here pavement pounders uh it's always a pleasure and until next time you know what i'm going to say chicken chow maine baby