The Harland Highway - 570 - Harland bumps into a girl he dated 25 years ago, FOOD of the future.

Episode Date: April 17, 2014

Harland bumps into a girl he dated 25 years ago, Amazing futuristic food, and a crying Pavement Pounder. Gas light fright!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No, this isn't the Woody Woodpecker show. This is the Harland Highway. You're at the right place. There might be a lot of woodpeckers here, but welcome, everybody. I am Harlan Williams. You are rolling down the Harlan Highway with me. We got a fun show today. Oh, my God.

I'm going to tell you about an ancient soap opera that popped off. from my past. Oh, yeah, something over a quarter of a century old, an old flame, if you will, came back to haunt me. In the most unexpected time and the most unexpected place, I'll talk about that later in the show. Also, an incredible new kind of futuristic food that the world of technology is bringing to you and me.

You're not going to believe this story. it's almost unbelievable but it's actually true we're going to talk about that and then also on my last podcast I had asked you men to call in and tell me if you cried about things because we all know men aren't supposed to cry right ladies and gentlemen so we got a call from one of the pavement pounders

and he opened up he shared with us with you what makes him cry so here we go get your box of Kleenex ladies and gentlemen This is the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you

It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week to quit drink I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams I buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish.

Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit. I'm fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to sign. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I kept the wrong week.

Quit shit for good. One cheeseburger with everything coming out. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I guess it was just a matter of time in this day and AIDS that we live. live in with the technological advances and the technologies and the technologicals and the tech lollicals. Check it out. This is a little startling, but I guess I'm not surprised. A German company is printing, keyword here printing. A German company is printing food. For the elderly.

What, wow, what, whoa, whoa, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? Yeah, you heard me, uh, ladies and snagorgle flagons. Check this out, man. Talk about our technology advancing to a wild, wacky place. Oh, that is wild, wacky, printed food. A German company is working on a 3D printed food extruder. Don't know what that is, that creates. food that literally melts in your mouth allowing elderly patients with dysphagia i know i'm not saying

that right dysphagia which is the inability to swallow or to eat without choking dysphagia let's hope your girlfriend doesn't have it um but this uh this uh printing company uses molecular gastronomy to create food that can be printed using a standard extruder-based printer. I know it's already too high tech, but I think you get it. They're printing food. So here's what happens. The food solidifies and is completely edible, but when it's eaten, it quickly dissolves in the mouth. Over 60% of older patients have problems swallowing.

This could save lives by ensuring they don't aspirate food crumbs into their lungs. God, who wants to do that? Hi, I can't come into work today. Why is that? I exasperated some food crumbs into my lungs. Okay. What kind of food? Well, that's some red velvet cheesecake.

I'm having trouble breathing. Listen. Oh, yeah, you sound exasperated deep down in your lung. so here it is the product itself can be molded and extruded in different ways and you can add colorance and texturizers to make things look and taste almost like the real thing now according to this company's website the powder mixtures of sino pro series don't know what that is enable universal implementation so that both families Caregivers and professional cooks and nurses can easily make the new diets, appetizers, main dishes, desserts, and snacks can now custom fit, balanced, and also be made visually appealing above all things. A food with all your senses pleasure and enjoyment is possible again, a structured daily functioning diet can be restored. This product will be available for use in 3D printers this year.

It is a true customized food, and it's a fascinating use of technology. Holy smokes, gang. I mean, you thought those little ink cartridges cost a fortune? Can you imagine printing yourself up a lobster dinner? yeah that'll be uh six thousand dollars for the the lobster you print it up uh what what's a nice ribby steak dinner gonna cost you i mean just the colorizing and texturizing cartridges how much for a uh cartridge full of a chocolate icing and uh we all know our printers get jammed paper jams or what do you do when you get a lasagna stuck in the motor of your printer oh damn

i can't print my dinner why not ted well there's a damn cabbage roll stuck in my damn oh god now i got unplug it and take it all apart and good god there's some mint chocolate chip jammed up in the rotors good good night i should have just gone to macdonalds no you're going to print me up some food You imagine, imagine that kind of dinner date? Trying to impress a woman or a, or a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You have them over for dinner, candlelight, nice soft music. Hmm? Oh, David, this is so, so wonderful, so romantic.

Thank you, Barbara. What, I don't smell any food cooking. I thought we were having dinner. Oh, dinner will be ready in about ten seconds. I don't understand. I don't see the oven on. I don't smell anything cooking. Hang on.

Let me get my laptop. Click. What's that sound? That's your roast beef Wellington. Arriving, my dear. What? And that's your chocolate moose. I don't understand.

Would you like an appetizer? I'd love one. shrimp cocktail of course from hulet packard what so i don't know man i don't know how it's going to work out but welcome to the future holy crap printing your food i can just imagine uh someone opening a fast food joint now where you just go in and uh get your crap you can you can email your your order in and they print it up when you walk in the door so enjoy i just hope uh all your food items are numbered and collated hello hey arlin this is john calling out from seattle washington I just came back from college today, at least my first week of college today, in my fourth quarter.

I was listening to Flashback Show number 25, and on the Flashback show, you basically asked the question to all men, what is it that you basically happen to cry about? And you were like, you know, man up, be a man, call into the show, and let us all know what it is that you actually happen to cry about. You know, do men actually happen to cry more than women? probably not as much, but I certainly, for one, happen to cry a lot. I cry when it rains out here, even though I probably shouldn't. Washington State, including Seattle, is pretty well known for raining a whole lot. So I very rarely get a really nice day outside much of anything, like hiking or walking or just taking in a nice, beautiful day without it really raining.

It's very rare here, especially for me. So I cry about that. Heck, I even cry if I don't get a 4.0 GPA, but luckily for the past four quarters that I've been in my college, I've been on the deans list, or at least I made the dean's list. So I have a 4.0 GPA, and I like to attribute it to you, actually, kind of butt a little bit, give me personal motivation, and saying, you know, flashed by the horns, go all balls about it,

and just, you know, give it your best. you never know what you're worth or how much you're worth without actually giving it your best so you know there is obviously going to be some failure in there but are concerned if you don't actually you know give it your best so yeah that's pretty much what I cry about about school and I cry about the weather all right thanks have a great weekend well there we go john thank you so much for your call uh yeah you're you're right john I did do a flashback show where I talked about I opened my soul

I bared my soul to you pavement pounders and told you that sometimes yes your humble host cries uh you know I cry at various things like any human being I cry but a lot of men

and a lot of people don't cry or they cry but they don't show it they don't talk about it they don't like to admit it um and I guess I talked about one of the things that used to make me cry I used to watch this crazy show called Highway to Heaven. It used to make me cry out loud. I was just like me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, but, John, first of all,

thank you for being man enough to step up to the plate and admit you cry. Second of all, I'm glad that I was able to offer you a little inspiration along the way. That's part of what this podcast is about. I try to entertain, but also maybe enlighten a little bit, maybe in some. maybe inspire, that's good to hear, man. And most of all, you know, it's just good to know that you're tapped into your emotions. The only downside to your call is that you said you cry when it rains and you live in Seattle, which is probably, I think, one of the rainiest spots in the United States of America,

if not the rainiest spot. I've been to Seattle, man. it rains and rains and rains and rains And now I'm starting to wonder if maybe it rains Because you're crying all the time I don't know maybe it's cause and effect But boy oh boy if the rain makes you cry John You must be crying just about every day

The only good news is when you're crying in a place Where it's raining all the time it's uh no one can tell you're crying they're just like oh look at that man with the raindrops on his face someone give him a towel uh those aren't raindrops he's crying no no those are raindrops give him a towel

I'm telling you he's crying how do you know he's crying well because there's a spear through his chest oh okay um it's kind of like that old that old line at the end of blade runner when uh rutgar hower is dying

And he gives his big emotional death speech And he goes All those moments Will be lost in time Like tears In rain Time to die So yeah

You know At least you got a little camouflage for your tears But that's sad You know what John Maybe it's time to move man It sounds like you're a smart guy Sounds like you're doing great in school And maybe what you do is you finish your school

And get your degree and whatever And move your sweet butt to Hawaii or Bermuda or Arizona or Florida And, you know Last thing we want you to be is crying and unhappy and sad Um So, so you know Finish school, which you said also makes you cry Yeah, that's pretty much what I cry about

I'll cry about school, and I cry about the weather. So finish crying at school, get in a truck, and drive out of the rain, feel your tear duct start to dry as you head east, southeast, towards Arizona, Nevada, maybe straight across the country into Florida, and live a good, happy, happy, happy, cheerful life. where you're not going to get rained on and you can hang your diploma on the wall because you're all finished school and then you can get to crying about what the rest of us cry about in life our relationships, our finances,

our yada yada, yeah, whatever. So thanks for sharing. Fannie, you guys want to share, especially you men, if you want to share your crying stories, hey, you can give us a call, at harland williams.com. Go to harlewilms.com. You'll find the phone number where you can leave a voicemail the way John did. Very courageous. Thanks for

bearing your soul, John. And get some Kleenex. Get in that car and dry them tears. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and free. Fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to the this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you no matter the size. Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget.

After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. Now to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate. Okay, you ready for a funny story that happened to me today? This was kind of bizarre. Funny, tragic, sweet, all the rest of it. So, as you know, as I've been telling you guys,

I'm in Vancouver and I'm shooting season two of my Canadian sitcom package deal and we're motoring away where we're whipping through the episodes having a blast and for this new episode we're doing this week they brought in a guest star, a female guest star to play a role in the show and uh you know she uh she shows up and uh and uh she's on set and she's there for the first time and uh i introduced myself where we're standing on the set getting ready to rehearse our first scene with this guest star and uh i say to her i say oh what's your name and she says yada yada and i said oh okay and you know we milled around a bit and then i was making small talk and i said uh

Oh, so where are you from in Canada? And she goes, oh, I'm from Toronto. And I said, oh, cool, I'm from Toronto originally. I go, what part are you from? And she goes, well, I think we've met before. And I go, oh, we have. And she goes, yeah, a long time ago we hung out. And I go, we did?

And she goes, yeah, we went on a date together. And I said, we did? And she goes, yeah, it was the worst. date I've ever had in my life and I'm not kidding. That's what she said to me. Oh my God, I started laughing and my co-stars were standing with me

and my producer and the showrunner of the show and their jaws just all dropped because they couldn't believe it. They couldn't believe what they were hearing and it kind of plays into the character I play on the sitcom on the sitcom is

kind of this womanizing kind of guy who has zero respect for women and just kind of date anyone he can wherever he can however he can he's kind of a sleazy guy and here's this this uh this this beautiful actress where uh arts imitating life and she just came out with all this stuff right in front of everyone and everyone was just like dying laughing and i'm laughing my ass off and then uh and then i look at her and i go i go wait a minute did you live in this area and she goes yeah and i said did you used to be blonde and she's like yeah and i said did you do a donut commercial because you know canadians love their donuts and that's what our

commercials are about you americans get car commercials we have donut commercials duh she goes yeah yeah that's the one and i said oh my god i said you you lived like right down the street from me in fact you lived in the next apartment she goes yeah it's me and i go holy smokes i go was it really the worst date ever and she goes yeah it was the worst date of my life and i go well what happened i don't remember she goes you picked me up in your car and i'm like yeah and she goes you took me you took me downtown yeah and then she said you took me to the food court i'm like okay that's that sounds like me and you ate and i didn't have anything and i'm like okay i get that you she was a hot, young, like, gorgeous actress model girl.

And I'm like, yeah, and she goes, well, I sat there and watched you eat in the food court. Yeah? This sounds like a great date to me, by the way, so far. And then what? And then she goes, well, then you drove me back home and dropped me off and said, see you later. And I'm like, wow, that was the worst date? That sounds like I said to her, that sounds like the best date ever. and we laughed and we hugged and and uh and it was just it was hilarious man talking about a blast

from the past and i'm talking about this happened this happened probably 25 years ago man 25 years ago and and now you know me me and this girl look a little bit older and she's still beautiful and well i'm still gorgeous of course you know it's all that food court food that's made me gorgeous. So anyways, I started, like, rewinding the tapes in my head, and I go, wait a minute. I said, let me try and explain myself. And she's like, please do. And I'm like, okay.

And I said, I seem to remember all those years ago when I took you out for the date, I remember seeing you with this kind of big, like, kind of scraggly overweight guy. with long hair and a goatee or something like that. And you said you were living with him, but he was an ex-boyfriend, but you were still living with him. And then I kind of asked a few of my friends that knew her, and they said, yeah, that's her boyfriend,

and they're kind of broken up, but they're still living together. And I said to her, I said, when I heard all that stuff, it spooked me. I said, you were this gorgeous, you know, skinny blonde actress girl who was really hot and and i thought you were really awesome and i wanted you know obviously i asked you out on a date and you said yes but then as soon as i kind of saw that you were kind of still had one foot in the water and who knows how much i mean you know what you did

for all i know it could have been over but when i was younger i was one of those real like i don't know I was one of those real, like, kind of guys that, like, you don't mess with another guy's woman. And, you know, you do the right thing and you don't get involved if there's something going on. I mean, that was the moral side of me. But then there was the pain in the ass side of me. He was like, oh, man, I don't want to start liking a girl who's still kind of mixed up with her boyfriend and she's living with them. Like, ladies, this is a little love tip. Like when it's over, don't still be living with your ex.

Like for any new guys coming along, that's just a giant annoyance. That's just a giant red flag. It's like, we want to get to know you. We want to know that the coast is clear, that you're emotionally free, that you're physically free. I don't want to, the last thing I want to do is take you out for a nice dinner, a movie, kissing by the side of the lake. and then I drive you home I pull up in front of your place and we look in each other's eyes and we kiss

and we both acknowledge what a beautiful night it was it was so romantic it was just perfect oh Harland Harland what a great night I haven't felt like this in so long oh my God

when can I see you again oh this was just magical now I'm going to go inside my boyfriend Eddie staring out the window you see what i mean it's like so back in the day i was i was just one of these guys i didn't know how to handle that i didn't want to get mixed up as as beautiful and sexy as she was i didn't want to get in the middle i didn't want to have to deal with any old relationships and you know how do you get around a woman living with her ex you got to figure are they in the

in the same bed where do they sleep at night Do they ever stumble home drunk one night? No, come on, baby, let's do one for old time's sake. I mean, we live, we're both here. It's two in the morning. Yeah, okay. Let's do it, but we're not getting back together. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, baby.

So no one wants to deal with that. So I think that's what happened. And I told her, I said, look, you had this guy lingering around, and that kind of freaked me out and scared me off. And she's like, oh, okay. And then we both kind of stood there, and I kind of went into, well, what if mode? What if I had just, like, said,

screw it and gone for it or whatever? And then she said to me, she goes, she goes, I felt horrible after that date. And I go, why? And she goes, well, you're like this super funny guy. You're like this big comedian guy. And I thought that you thought I was really boring and never wanted to talk.

to me again. And I'm like, oh, they, eh, oh, they. So that's a little hilarious. How about that? Now, there's an interesting topic. You ever have an old date come back and show up in your face 25 years later, or even 10 years later, maybe five years later? So needless to say, this is a real-life thing that played out

right in my face and in front of all my coworkers. And I thought it was hilarious. But in a way, maybe it gave her a little closure because, you know, me, I didn't think about it. I was just like, oh, man, she's hot, but I'm not going to stick around. But truth be told, to be 100% honest, I have thought about her in those past 25 years. In fact, I think there was a time recently not too long ago when she entered my mind. because, you know, I always thought about, you know, how pretty she was and how nice she was and, you know, why didn't I pursue that? And so maybe, maybe this gives me a bit of closure, too, but for her, she's the one, I didn't walk away feeling bad.

I just walked away feeling confused. She walked away feeling bad, wherein she stated that she thought, I thought she was boring, which is not that. case i in fact i didn't have enough time to get to know her to know if she's boring but she's clearly not boring i mean she's done very well in the uh film and tv industry and blah blah so so there you go a little blast from the past a little a little uh quarter century old soap opera slaps the kid in the face today and everyone got to watch it a lot of fun it was unexpected as hell um but luckily she has a sense of humor about it and i had a sense of humor about it and uh who knows maybe maybe i'll just pick up where we left off and take her out on a date

later this week and drop her off at her house to her husband and kids um three four so there you go um i think that's a sweet spot to end the show right there with an with an unsolved mystery 25 years ago a stupid man has a girl out on a date takes you to a food court and makes her watch him eat egg rolls and chicken fingers if you or anyone you know know anything about this horrible date please whatever um so there we go we'll leave it there um a lot of fun and uh tune in next time thanks for being here gang uh as i said let me know if you have any weird outstanding dates that came back to haunt you phone numbers at harlem williams dot com right on the home page you can also email me at harlem williams dot com visit the store while you're there

check out my stand-up comedy schedule while you're there um make sure you click on the google the uh the amazon link when you're there it gives us a little kickback if you shop on amazon through our link um also subscribe to my free youtube channel which is there doesn't cost you assent but you get to watch my wacky videos what else can I tell you check out ATC all things comedy.com where you can find other great comedic podcasts also my own is featured there of course and that's it we are going to leave it right there

and until next time no more crying no more food courts just a great big bowl of chicken chau-mey Baby!