570 - Harland bumps into a girl he dated 25 years ago, FOOD of the future.
00:00No, this isn't the Woody Woodpecker show.This is the Harland Highway.You're at the right place.There might be a lot of woodpeckers here, but welcome, everybody.I am Harlan Williams.You are rolling down the Harlan Highway with me.We got a fun show today.Oh, my God.
00:23I'm going to tell you about an ancient soap opera that popped off.from my past.Oh, yeah, something over a quarter of a century old,an old flame, if you will, came back to haunt me.In the most unexpected time and the most unexpected place,I'll talk about that later in the show.Also, an incredible new kind of futuristic foodthat the world of technology is bringing to you and me.
00:55You're not going to believe this story.it's almost unbelievable but it's actually truewe're going to talk about thatand then also on my last podcastI had asked you men to call inand tell me if you cried about thingsbecause we all know men aren't supposed to cry right ladies and gentlemenso we got a call from one of the pavement pounders
01:18and he opened up he shared with us with youwhat makes him cry so here we goget your box of Kleenex ladies and gentlemenThis is the Harland HighwayYou just made a wrong turnOn to the Harland HighwayI am out here for youYou don't know what it's like to be me out here for you
01:41It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smokingI'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse youLike I took the wrong week to quit drinkI make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse youYou're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan WilliamsI buy that for a dollarWhat was it we had for dinner tonight?Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish.
02:00Yes, yes, I remember.I had lasagna.What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?It's like I picked the wrong week to quit.I'm fit of me.She's got a thought for Samantha thing to sign.Welcome to the Harland Highway.I kept the wrong week.
02:11Quit shit for good.One cheeseburger with everything coming out.Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.I guess it was just a matter of time in this day and AIDS that we live.live in with the technological advances and the technologies and the technologicals and thetech lollicals. Check it out. This is a little startling, but I guess I'm not surprised.A German company is printing, keyword here printing. A German company is printing food.For the elderly.
02:57What, wow, what, whoa, whoa, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?Yeah, you heard me, uh, ladies and snagorgle flagons.Check this out, man.Talk about our technology advancing to a wild, wacky place.Oh, that is wild, wacky, printed food.A German company is working on a 3D printed food extruder.Don't know what that is, that creates.food that literally melts in your mouth allowing elderly patients with dysphagia i know i'm not saying
03:36that right dysphagia which is the inability to swallow or to eat without choking dysphagialet's hope your girlfriend doesn't have it um but this uh this uh printing company uses moleculargastronomy to create food that can be printed using a standard extruder-based printer.I know it's already too high tech, but I think you get it.They're printing food.So here's what happens.The food solidifies and is completely edible, but when it's eaten, it quickly dissolves in the mouth.Over 60% of older patients have problems swallowing.
04:24This could save lives by ensuring they don't aspirate food crumbs into their lungs.God, who wants to do that?Hi, I can't come into work today.Why is that?I exasperated some food crumbs into my lungs.Okay.What kind of food?Well, that's some red velvet cheesecake.
04:46I'm having trouble breathing.Listen.Oh, yeah, you sound exasperated deep down in your lung.so here it is the product itself can be molded and extruded in different ways and you can add colorance and texturizers to make things look and taste almost like the real thingnow according to this company's website the powder mixtures of sino pro series don't know what that is enable universal implementation so that both familiesCaregivers and professional cooks and nurses can easily make the new diets, appetizers, main dishes, desserts, and snacks can now custom fit, balanced, and also be made visually appealing above all things.A food with all your senses pleasure and enjoyment is possible again, a structured daily functioning diet can be restored.This product will be available for use in 3D printers this year.
05:59It is a true customized food, and it's a fascinating use of technology.Holy smokes, gang.I mean, you thought those little ink cartridges cost a fortune?Can you imagine printing yourself up a lobster dinner?yeah that'll be uh six thousand dollars for the the lobster you print it up uh what what's a niceribby steak dinner gonna cost you i mean just the colorizing and texturizing cartridgeshow much for a uh cartridge full of a chocolate icing and uh we all know our printers get jammedpaper jams or what do you do when you get a lasagna stuck in the motor of your printer oh damn
06:55i can't print my dinner why not ted well there's a damn cabbage roll stuck in my damn oh god now i gotunplug it and take it all apart and good god there's some mint chocolate chip jammed up in therotors good good night i should have just gone to macdonalds no you're going to print me up some foodYou imagine, imagine that kind of dinner date?Trying to impress a woman or a, or a boyfriend or a girlfriend.You have them over for dinner, candlelight, nice soft music.Hmm?Oh, David, this is so, so wonderful, so romantic.
07:42Thank you, Barbara.What, I don't smell any food cooking.I thought we were having dinner.Oh, dinner will be ready in about ten seconds.I don't understand.I don't see the oven on.I don't smell anything cooking.Hang on.
07:58Let me get my laptop.Click.What's that sound?That's your roast beef Wellington.Arriving, my dear.What?And that's your chocolate moose.I don't understand.
08:15Would you like an appetizer?I'd love one.shrimp cocktail of course from hulet packard what so i don't know man i don't know how it's going to work outbut welcome to the future holy crap printing your food i can just imagine uh someone opening a fast foodjoint now where you just go in and uh get your crap you can you can email your your order inand they print it up when you walk in the door so enjoy i just hope uh all your food items arenumbered and collated hello hey arlin this is john calling out from seattle washingtonI just came back from college today, at least my first week of college today, in my fourth quarter.
09:17I was listening to Flashback Show number 25, and on the Flashback show, you basically asked the question to all men, what is it that you basically happen to cry about?And you were like, you know, man up, be a man, call into the show, and let us all know what it is that you actually happen to cry about.You know, do men actually happen to cry more than women?probably not as much, but I certainly, for one, happen to cry a lot.I cry when it rains out here, even though I probably shouldn't.Washington State, including Seattle, is pretty well known for raining a whole lot.So I very rarely get a really nice day outside much of anything, like hiking or walkingor just taking in a nice, beautiful day without it really raining.
10:04It's very rare here, especially for me.So I cry about that.Heck, I even cry if I don't get a 4.0 GPA,but luckily for the past four quarters that I've been in my college,I've been on the deans list, or at least I made the dean's list.So I have a 4.0 GPA, and I like to attribute it to you, actually,kind of butt a little bit, give me personal motivation,and saying, you know, flashed by the horns, go all balls about it,
10:34and just, you know, give it your best.you never know what you're worth or how much you're worth without actually giving it your bestso you know there is obviously going to be some failure in there but are concerned if you don'tactually you know give it your best so yeah that's pretty much what I cry aboutabout school and I cry about the weather all right thanks have a great weekend well there we gojohn thank you so much for your call uh yeah you're you're right john I did do aflashback show where I talked aboutI opened my soul
11:09I bared my soul to you pavementpounders andtold you that sometimes yesyour humble host criesuh you knowI cry at various things like anyhuman being I crybut a lot of men
11:24and a lot of people don't cryor they cry but they don't show it they don't talk about itthey don't like to admit itum and I guess I talked aboutone of the things that used to make me cryI used to watch this crazy show called Highway to Heaven.It used to make me cry out loud.I was just like me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, but, John, first of all,
11:46thank you for being man enough to step up to the plate and admit you cry.Second of all, I'm glad that I was able to offer you a little inspiration along the way.That's part of what this podcast is about.I try to entertain, but also maybe enlighten a little bit, maybe in some.maybe inspire, that's good to hear, man.And most of all, you know, it's just good to know that you're tapped into your emotions.The only downside to your call is that you said you cry when it rains and you live in Seattle,which is probably, I think, one of the rainiest spots in the United States of America,
12:28if not the rainiest spot.I've been to Seattle, man.it rains and rains and rains and rainsAnd now I'm starting to wonder if maybe it rainsBecause you're crying all the timeI don't know maybe it's cause and effectBut boy oh boy if the rain makes you cry JohnYou must be crying just about every day
12:53The only good news is when you're crying in a placeWhere it's raining all the timeit's uhno one can tell you're cryingthey're just like oh look at that man with the raindropson his face someone give him a toweluh those aren't raindrops he's cryingno no those are raindrops give him a towel
13:15I'm telling you he's cryinghow do you know he's cryingwell because there's a spearthrough his chest oh okayumit's kind of like that oldthat old line at the end of blade runnerwhen uh rutgar hower is dying
13:30And he gives his big emotional death speechAnd he goesAll those momentsWill be lost in timeLike tearsIn rainTime to dieSo yeah
13:49You knowAt least you got a little camouflage for your tearsBut that's sadYou know what JohnMaybe it's time to move manIt sounds like you're a smart guySounds like you're doing great in schoolAnd maybe what you do is you finish your school
14:03And get your degree and whateverAnd move your sweet butt to Hawaii or Bermuda or Arizona or FloridaAnd, you knowLast thing we want you to be is crying and unhappy and sadUmSo, so you knowFinish school, which you said also makes you cryYeah, that's pretty much what I cry about
14:28I'll cry about school, and I cry about the weather.So finish crying at school, get in a truck, and drive out of the rain, feel your tear duct start to dry as you head east, southeast, towards Arizona, Nevada, maybe straight across the country into Florida, and live a good, happy, happy, happy, cheerful life.where you're not going to get rained onand you can hang your diploma on the wallbecause you're all finished schooland then you can get to cryingabout what the rest of us cry about in lifeour relationships, our finances,
15:11our yada yada, yeah, whatever.So thanks for sharing.Fannie, you guys want to share,especially you men,if you want to share your crying stories,hey, you can give us a call,at harland williams.com. Go to harlewilms.com. You'll find the phone numberwhere you can leave a voicemail the way John did. Very courageous. Thanks for
15:36bearing your soul, John. And get some Kleenex. Get in that car and dry them tears.Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want tohave better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to makeyour life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shippingon your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packagedand sent discreetly for free and free.Fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.
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17:23After all, you're in your small space era.It's time to own it.Shop now at IKEA.ca.Now to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate.Okay, you ready for a funny story that happened to me today?This was kind of bizarre.Funny, tragic, sweet, all the rest of it.So, as you know, as I've been telling you guys,
17:51I'm in Vancouver and I'm shooting season two of my Canadian sitcom package dealand we're motoring away where we're whipping through the episodes having a blastand for this new episode we're doing this weekthey brought in a guest star, a female guest star to play a role in the showand uh you know she uh she shows up and uh and uh she's on set and she's there for the first timeand uh i introduced myself where we're standing on the set getting ready to rehearse our firstscene with this guest star and uh i say to her i say oh what's your name and she says yada yadaand i said oh okay and you know we milled around a bit and then i was making small talk and i said uh
18:45Oh, so where are you from in Canada?And she goes, oh, I'm from Toronto.And I said, oh, cool, I'm from Toronto originally.I go, what part are you from?And she goes, well, I think we've met before.And I go, oh, we have.And she goes, yeah, a long time ago we hung out.And I go, we did?
19:08And she goes, yeah, we went on a date together.And I said, we did?And she goes, yeah, it was the worst.date I've ever had in my lifeand I'm not kidding. That's whatshe said to me. Oh myGod, I started laughing and myco-stars were standing with me
19:25and my producer and theshowrunner of the show and theirjaws just all droppedbecause they couldn'tbelieve it. They couldn't believe what they were hearingand it kind of plays into thecharacter I play on the sitcomon the sitcom is
19:41kind of this womanizingkind of guy who has zero respect forwomen and just kind of date anyone he can wherever he can however he can he's kind of a sleazy guyand here's this this uh this this beautiful actress where uh arts imitating life and she just cameout with all this stuff right in front of everyone and everyone was just like dying laughingand i'm laughing my ass off and then uh and then i look at her and i go i go wait a minute did youlive in this area and she goes yeah and i said did you used to be blonde and she's like yeah and i saiddid you do a donut commercial because you know canadians love their donuts and that's what our
20:26commercials are about you americans get car commercials we have donut commercials duh she goes yeah yeahthat's the one and i said oh my god i said you you lived like right down the street from me in factyou lived in the next apartment she goes yeah it's me and i go holysmokes i go was it really the worst date ever and she goes yeah it was the worst date of my life and i gowell what happened i don't remember she goes you picked me up in your car and i'm like yeah and she goesyou took me you took me downtown yeah and then she said you took me to the food court i'm like okaythat's that sounds like me and you ate and i didn't have anything and i'm like okay i get that you she wasa hot, young, like, gorgeous actress model girl.
21:19And I'm like, yeah, and she goes, well, I sat there and watched you eat in the food court.Yeah?This sounds like a great date to me, by the way, so far.And then what?And then she goes, well, then you drove me back home and dropped me off and said, see you later.And I'm like, wow, that was the worst date?That sounds like I said to her, that sounds like the best date ever.and we laughed and we hugged and and uh and it was just it was hilarious man talking about a blast
21:49from the past and i'm talking about this happened this happened probably 25 years ago man25 years ago and and now you know me me and this girl look a little bit older and she's stillbeautiful and well i'm still gorgeous of course you know it's all that food court food that'smade me gorgeous.So anyways, I started, like, rewinding the tapes in my head, and I go, wait a minute.I said, let me try and explain myself.And she's like, please do.And I'm like, okay.
22:24And I said, I seem to remember all those years ago when I took you out for the date,I remember seeing you with this kind of big, like, kind of scraggly overweight guy.with long hair and a goatee or something like that.And you said you were living with him,but he was an ex-boyfriend,but you were still living with him.And then I kind of asked a few of my friends that knew her,and they said, yeah, that's her boyfriend,
22:58and they're kind of broken up,but they're still living together.And I said to her, I said, when I heard all that stuff,it spooked me.I said, you were this gorgeous, you know,skinny blonde actress girl who was really hot and and i thought you were really awesome and i wanted youknow obviously i asked you out on a date and you said yes but then as soon as i kind of saw that youwere kind of still had one foot in the water and who knows how much i mean you know what you did
23:29for all i know it could have been over but when i was younger i was one of those real like i don't knowI was one of those real, like, kind of guys that, like, you don't mess with another guy's woman.And, you know, you do the right thing and you don't get involved if there's something going on.I mean, that was the moral side of me.But then there was the pain in the ass side of me.He was like, oh, man, I don't want to start liking a girl who's still kind of mixed up with her boyfriend and she's living with them.Like, ladies, this is a little love tip.Like when it's over, don't still be living with your ex.
24:10Like for any new guys coming along, that's just a giant annoyance.That's just a giant red flag.It's like, we want to get to know you.We want to know that the coast is clear, that you're emotionally free, that you're physically free.I don't want to, the last thing I want to do is take you out for a nice dinner, a movie, kissing by the side of the lake.and then I drive you homeI pull up in front of your placeand we look in each other's eyes and we kiss
24:40and we both acknowledgewhat a beautiful night it wasit was so romanticit was just perfectoh HarlandHarland what a great nightI haven't felt like this in so longoh my God
24:53when can I see you againoh this was just magicalnow I'm going to go insidemy boyfriend Eddie staring out the windowyou see what i mean it's like so back in the day i was i was just one of these guys i didn'tknow how to handle that i didn't want to get mixed up as as beautiful and sexy as she wasi didn't want to get in the middle i didn't want to have to deal with any old relationships andyou know how do you get around a woman living with her ex you got to figure are they in the
25:30in the same bed where do they sleep at nightDo they ever stumble home drunk one night?No, come on, baby, let's do one for old time's sake.I mean, we live, we're both here.It's two in the morning.Yeah, okay.Let's do it, but we're not getting back together.Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, baby.
25:53So no one wants to deal with that.So I think that's what happened.And I told her, I said, look, you had this guy lingering around,and that kind of freaked me out and scared me off.And she's like, oh, okay.And then we both kind of stood there,and I kind of went into, well, what if mode?What if I had just, like, said,
26:14screw it and gone for it or whatever?And then she said to me, she goes,she goes, I felt horrible after that date.And I go, why?And she goes, well, you're like this super funny guy.You're like this big comedian guy.And I thought that you thought I was really boringand never wanted to talk.
26:31to me again.And I'm like, oh, they, eh, oh, they.So that's a little hilarious.How about that?Now, there's an interesting topic.You ever have an old date come back and show up in your face25 years later, or even 10 years later, maybe five years later?So needless to say, this is a real-life thing that played out
26:57right in my face and in front of all my coworkers.And I thought it was hilarious.But in a way, maybe it gave her a little closure because, you know, me, I didn't think about it.I was just like, oh, man, she's hot, but I'm not going to stick around.But truth be told, to be 100% honest, I have thought about her in those past 25 years.In fact, I think there was a time recently not too long ago when she entered my mind.because, you know, I always thought about, you know, how pretty she was and how nice she was and, you know, why didn't I pursue that?And so maybe, maybe this gives me a bit of closure, too, but for her, she's the one, I didn't walk away feeling bad.
27:46I just walked away feeling confused.She walked away feeling bad, wherein she stated that she thought, I thought she was boring, which is not that.case i in fact i didn't have enough time to get to know her to know if she's boring but she'sclearly not boring i mean she's done very well in the uh film and tv industry and blah blah soso there you go a little blast from the past a little a little uh quarter century old soap operaslaps the kid in the face today and everyone got to watch it a lot of fun it was unexpected ashell um but luckily she has a sense of humor about it and i had a sense of humor about it anduh who knows maybe maybe i'll just pick up where we left off and take her out on a date
28:39later this week and drop her off at her house to her husband and kids um three four so thereyou go um i think that's a sweet spot to end the show right there with an with an unsolvedmystery 25 years ago a stupid man has a girl out on a date takes you to a food court and makes herwatch him eat egg rolls and chicken fingers if you or anyone you know know anything about thishorrible date please whatever um so there we go we'll leave it there um a lot of fun and uh tune innext time thanks for being here gang uh as i said let me know if you have anyweird outstanding dates that came back to haunt you phone numbers at harlem williams dot com right onthe home page you can also email me at harlem williams dot com visit the store while you're there
29:35check out my stand-up comedy schedule while you're there um make sure you click on the googlethe uh the amazon link when you're there it gives us a little kickback if you shop on amazonthrough our link um also subscribe to my free youtube channel which is there doesn't cost youassent but you get to watch my wacky videoswhat else can I tell you check out ATC all thingscomedy.com where you can find other greatcomedic podcasts also my own is featured there of courseand that's it we are going to leave it right there
30:13and until next timeno more crying no more food courtsjust a great big bowl of chickenchau-meyBaby!
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