The Harland Highway - 571- Harland gets a cancer check, question of the day.

Episode Date: April 24, 2014

Harland goes in for a cancer check up, the question of the day involving cars, Harland does LIVE stand up. Sweet sltherin slacks!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My sweet Lord, Harry Krishna. My sweet lord, yeah. Okay, how about my sweet podcast? Hey, folks, we're a week behind. I'll give you an explanation when we get into it, but welcome back to the Harland Highway. Glad you are here. What a tasty treat.

All kinds of fun stuff here today. I'm going to be playing the second half of the live stand-up show. I did while I was up here in Vancouver, Canada, kind of an improvised set. We're going to play that later in the show. I promised you that a few weeks ago. So staying true to my word, that's coming up. Also, we are going to be doing the question of the day. Today's question of the day is a doozy.

It's one that you've, I'm pretty sure it's something you all want answered, and it's something you've all done, okay? and then lastly oh my god it's going to get a little more intense i went in and got checked for cancer oh yeah i'm going to tell you what i did what led to it what they found which is a little scary oh not really i don't want to alarm anybody but anyhow and i'm going to i'm going to talk about you know going in and getting checked and uh suggesting that you do it as well so you can stay healthy. But what could be better for you than the Harland Highway? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway.

I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. I'm funny how. I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you. Like I took the wrong week to quit drink. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish.

Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? Like, I picked the wrong week to quit Amphetamine. That is thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I kept the wrong week, quickness, do. Okay, okay. Settle down, everyone. I know you think I was kidnapped or I've gone missing or I'm lost in the Amazon,

which maybe I am. I'm podcasting from deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle. Monkeys and killer ants and crawling stingrays and fire wasps. No, no, no, no. I'm saying this because it's rare that I miss a podcast. You know, I do it every Monday and every Thursday. And I think we've been doing this for five years now, maybe. Good Lord, a long time.

And for those of you that have been with me from the start, thank you. And for anyone new, welcome, and blah, blah, blah. But I rarely miss a podcast. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, I try to make it happen. I try to lay down a podcast. And last week, I was just so slammed. I had so much going on. I was traveling.

I was traveling flying. I was between Los Angeles. This is between Vancouver. I'm shooting a sitcom. I'm dealing with some other issues. And I just couldn't get the time to lay down the magic, ladies and gentlemen. So here we are, and we're back on track, and, you know, hopefully this doesn't happen. But like I said, I think over the course of the whole podcast history, I don't think I've missed more than maybe.

maybe three, four over the years. So I'm doing pretty good. So please forgive and forget. And let's move on. Let's talk about important things and stop wasting our time with this. And when I say important things, I mean, how about this? The Harland Highway question of the day. Let's start right there.

Raj, what do you think? Let's get right into it, the Harland Highway question of the day. Let's do it. Highway, question of the day. Okay, here's the big question of the day. Why do we do this? What we all do it, if you have a driver's license, you've done it, then you're probably sitting there going,

I haven't done it, and I'm telling you, yeah, you've done it. And you're like, well, what have I done? And I'm like, I'm going to tell you what you've done. And you're probably like, well, I've never done it. If it's coming out of his mouth, I've never done it. And I'm like, yes, you have. And you're like, well, hurry up and tell us what we've done. so here it is my question of the day is when you are with someone in your car or you're around someone you know in your car

and let's say you're driving and you drop them off at their house at their apartment at the mall wherever and they've been in your car for who knows how long could be five minutes could be five hours who knows You've been in the car, spending time together. You drop your friend off or the other person off. And you say goodbye. They lean down into the, okay, goodbye, see you, Harlan. Thanks a lot. That was really fun.

Really had a good time at the petting zoo with the porcupines. You know, you do your big goodbyes. You hug, you kiss, you slap each other on the back. It's over. They get out of the car, slam. The car door slams. They turn to walk away, and what do you do? You get on the horn and you do this.

Why? Why do you do it? Why do we do it? And I told you you've done it. You didn't believe me, but you've all done it. You honk at your friend or your family member as they're walking away, as you're pulling away. Why?

You were just with them. You just spent time with them. You just did a long goodbye. But for some reason, you need to let them know that you're leaving again. What is the honk for? It's like, okay, this seals the deal. I was just going to park out here in front of your house. I was going to sit here with the motor running.

But I'm going to listen to this. Okay, now I'm out of here. That means it's official. Or it's almost like saying goodbye again. isn't it it's like it's an extra goodbye it's like you're you're you say goodbye you start driving away oh just in case you didn't get enough goodbyes out of me there's another one you know i'm just honking to let you know i'm leaving that i'm still here but i'm leaving you know in case you were wondering where i went eight feet ago i'm right here i'm now i'm 12 feet and

It's like, good Lord. And I'm sure the people around you never appreciate it. Because, you know, when you're driving and you hear a horn, you're like, what, what, what's that? Why are we honking? Is someone going crooked? Someone going to hit me? What, what's that?

Little of they know, it's you honking goodbye to your friend that you already spent three minutes saying goodbye to. What is that? I mean, you don't go to a party and you meet someone, and you go, hello, my name's Harlan Williams, nice to meet you, and then you walk over to the snack tray, get a shrimp popper, and then come back to the same person, go, hello, I'm Harlead Williams, nice to meet you, and then honking their fate, you know. So what's with the extended goodbye?

I think we've all done it. It's like, I get it. You're leaving. Just go. Quit telling me you're leaving. Quit. Enough with the secret signals. What, the English language isn't good enough for you.

The words goodbye can't be final. You have a need to give me some kind of a honking horn instrument. I mean, God, why not just pull an orchestra out of the back truck and, you know, some guy with a French horn and a piccolo and a tube, and they could do Tichowski's 14th concerto and just play out there on the sidewalk just to seal the deal. I'm leaving, but before I go, I want you to hear Tichowski's Beethoven's Fifth Symphony here.

So I'm just a little miffed. I'm a little confused. Why do we do it? Why do we honk after we've already said goodbye? Roger, that is the Harland Highway question of the day. The Harlan Highway question of the day. All right. It's enough with the honking.

I feel like Ruthie's going to show up any second. So there you go. There's the Harlan Highway question of the day. And let's move on to something. I promised you guys a few weeks ago I had played some live stand-up where I told you I had dropped in at a local comedy club up here.

I'm in Vancouver, Canada, British Columbia on the west coast of Canada. And I'm shooting my sitcom up here for season two. And there's a local comedy club called The Mix, and I like to drop in there and just kind of work out new material and practice stuff and, you know, sometimes I'll throw in an oldie and see if I can refine it or sometimes I'll do a newie or sometimes I'll just talk to the crowd

and see what comes out and maybe something comes out that I can use, I can keep. So I played you a segment of that stand-up set a couple of weeks ago and I promised you I'd play the back half of it in an upcoming podcast. So why not do it right now? Here we go back to the comedy mix in Vancouver, BC. And this was me just up on stage, winging it, goofing it, goofing with the crowd, seeing if I can get some laughs, find some new material, and I hope you enjoy it. This is the second half of them we'll finish it up.

Here we go. I'll tell you what's fun about being in Western Canada. Anybody here from Western Canada? Where are you, gang? Where are you from, kid? right there with the hand halfway up, unenthusband. Abbotsburg? Where's that guy? Just down that way.

Thanks, Google Maps. It's like being a cramble. What's that guy? It's like being in cramble. See how hard comedy is, sir? It's where those big fucking lights are shining here, sir. Do you have any valuable lessons today, why is that? You're a good guy.

What's your name? The guy that just yelled out Cranbrook. Over here, talking to a guy that just yelled out Cranbrook? What is it? Spock. Spock. Let me ask you this, Spock. You ever pull your nuts sack right over your face?

your face and said you're Freddy Krueger. You look, you'll. You look. Here's what I like about being out in Western Canada, man. And I think you can back me up on this, because you have a good read on me. This lady here, I said, good bead on me, gay, okay? I'm sure you've heard that saying,

them, huh? That guy's got a bead on me. Sir, he's never been in a hospital. This shit here has a good bead on me, sir. How about you? You got a good bead on me, guy? I can go with no. You're going to go with no. Have I heard this sound?

Dr. Smith to the surgery, Dr. Smith to surgery. 4 o'clock, surgery. You don't know what that is. You know, ma'am, that I like Western Canada because of the dinosaurs. I'm very close to the Drumhalla. Have you ever been to the Drumsheller and dug up for fossilized dinosaur bone? Have you ever gone down on your knees into the Drumhalla's and looked around for stentosaurus bone? Have you ever crawled around in your little schoolgirl dress in Drumhalla and looked for you?

and look for stagastolish chibious? That shot, I drink my water like a rattlesnake. It's okay. I'm going to find the bodies. I love dinosaurs when I'm getting at, my love. Me and you can talk about it later. But dinosaurs are a bit of a mystery to us as human beings. I think there's a lot of mystery over here on the wall that surrounds the extinction of dinosaurs.

How about you, guy? How do you think the dinosaurs went extinct, my friend? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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The Big Bang or something. The Big Bang. Don't be way to fuck off that. That's actually a life started, sir, okay? Never heard the word reverse, my friend? How about you, teen, Wolf there? How do you think dinosaurs went extinct, little funny? I'm going to say meteor.

Meteor, okay. There's a good guess. You're both wrong. Here's up dinosaurs when extinct. Dinosaurs were not killed by a meteor. Dinosaurs were not eradicated by the Big Bang. What she said. Dinosaurs went extinct, ladies and gentlemen, because dinosaurs were eaten by rocks. Think about it.

Every time you cut open a rock, they're over the dinosaur. And what are our fossils going to look like? look like. When the human race goes along and vanishes. We're not here forever, kid. Don't fool yourself. Sure. We're at the top of the food chain. We dominate all the other species.

Don't kid yourself again. We're here for a brief little window and then humanity. Gone. Like a popcorn farted a cinnipede. Well, what will our fossils look like, huh? How are they going to dig our bones up the future species that inhabit the earth, huh? Going to dig up bones, human beings, and bowling poses?

Human beings sitting at their computers typing, fossilized skeletons of human beings, huh? I don't know. Someone write me some material right now. Hey in China. What's that, buddy? Get it in China. Remember earlier, sir, when they said... Although that was better than what the fuck I had, wasn't it?

Give him a hand. He's real good. He's real good. I got time for one more quickie of them. Daddy's got to fly over to Tim Horton and get a hot child. and get a hot chalky and a fucking honey maple onion bunner or whatever. Let's get a topic from the crowd. This has been all made, hasn't it, guy?

Let's get a topic out of the crowd, and then I'll wrap up on that. What's that? What was that one? Oh, Joel. Oh, good. Bluebird? Tinder. Tinder.

Okay, man. Sure. Tinder. Tinder. What fuck was that? Want someone to come over and drop worms in your mouth? Yeah. Tinder.

Tinder is little shavings of wood that be used to start a lot. fire needed by human beings to generate warmth in order to survive. Human beings who have the capacity to think above and beyond any other living organism. Human beings that try to comprehend a universe so vast, so endless, so timeless, that we can never comprehend it. But because we can't comprehend it, ma'am, I cannot do a joke here. So thanks for fucking up the show. You've been great, folks.

Enjoy your other communities. Thank you very much. God bless. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thanks. there isn't it uh so i hope you like that um that was the tail end of uh the improv set i did and uh you know i'll bring some more of those to you as i lay them down i think they're kind of fun they get that real raw kind of live crowd feel and uh as you can tell not all of my bits are winners kind of don't like to really expose people to that but i thought you know what this this is my podcast these are my peeps this is these are the pay them impounders. If they can take the good, they can take the bad.

So anyways, there we go. I wanted to switch gears to something a little more serious. And, you know, this is something maybe I'm going to urge you guys to do, you guys and gals. This happened to me, I don't know, a number of years ago. I guess about four years ago. I had a friend. I was dating a girl. and she went into a dermatologist, of all things.

And she got some kind of random check, and it turns out she had like a little freckle in between her toes. You know where you're in between your toes where the webbing is, where you look at it and you realize, you know, I'm probably half frog. Because we all have those little, if you pull your toes apart, there's weird little tiny webs in there. We're either part duck or part frog or I think I might be part salamander or something.

And she had a little freckle in between one of her toes, and it turns out it was like cancerous. Okay? So, and apparently in between the toes is a very common place for like skin cancer, little cancer things to show up. I had no idea. I was totally like illuminated. I was like, what? Really? Why would cancer want to be in between your toes?

But I guess, you know, cancer's a sneaky, sneaky thing. It's a crafty old killer. And cancer's probably like, I know where they'll never look. In between the webbing on their feet. I'll hide in the salamander cracks. So sure enough, she has this little freckle. Turns out it's cancerous. And she has to get it cut out and blah, blah, blah.

So it was kind of painful for her. and, you know, a few days not being able to walk very well. I mean, feel the skin in between your toes. It's tender, man. That is some tender, tender flesh in there, because it never gets any use. You think about it. Most of the skin on your body comes into contact with something.

Your clothing, your fabric, you touch it to the wall, you press it on the ground, you lay it on the bed, your clothes touch it. when you think about it in between your toes unless you reach in there and touch it with your fingers it probably most of your life never gets touched it's probably some of the purest epidermis on your whole body because you don't really wash it ever you don't

unless you're a foot washing fanatic but it doesn't get itchy in there you never scratch in there unless you got foot fungus so it's kind of this dead zone that you want to wouldn't think to look at or inspect. So anyways, she found this little cancer thing, got it cut out, and then that got me thinking. And she said to me, she said, you know, have you ever had your body, you know, scanned?

And I go, what are you mean? She's like, well, you know, you just go in and you get down to your underpants, and the dermatologist looks all over your body for little bumps or moles or freckles or lesions. or welts or warts or whatever. And I'm like, ew. No. And she said, well, you should. And then I was like, geez, you know what?

They found like a lump in between your toes. Maybe I should. So sure enough, this was about four years ago. I go in and I get down to my skivies in front of the dermatologist, and she's looking all over me. and before I went in, I'd noticed like a little rise in my skin on my back shoulder. It's just like a little bump. It looked like it didn't have any coloration.

It wasn't brown. It wasn't dark. You always hear that, oh, the skin cancers are big brown blotches or weird blotches. So this was just like a little rise in my skin. Like, you know, I didn't even notice it. I just happened to see it because I was suddenly, a little more conscious of my body and I go into the doctor and I said oh by the way well you know I don't think this is anything but you want to look at that so she got a little thing and

she she took a little like cut out of it a little skin sample and they sent it into the lab and sure enough it was it wasn't like a lethal form of skin cancer but it was one of those things it could have developed it was like pre-cancerous or something and it could develop into skin cancer or whatever, or melanoma or whatever. And by the way, don't be deceived. According to dermatologists, skin cancer, melanomas are a lethal form of cancer.

Apparently, once you get the melanoma and it's in a full-blown cancer stage, apparently it moves rapidly, and it can be very lethal. Now, I'm not a doctor, so I'm kind of quoting what I've heard, but it scared me, man. I mean, any kind of cancer is scary, right?

But I didn't realize that skin cancer, melanoma, is like, you're in trouble if you get, you know, the real stuff, the severe stuff. It just crawls all over you like a vine. So anyway, she got this thing out, and, you know, then I had to go back in and have a little session where she just cut it out, and that was the end of it. It was gone. And then, you know, I had a first thing.

few little dry patches on my body and what they do is they get a little it looks like a welder's torch and they get uh what's that stuff called the uh the uh you know the uh oh god what is it it's like that frozen it's like that real frozen stuff if you put your hand in it your handle to like freeze instantly it's it's like a looks like mist looks like uh fog God, I feel like such an idiot. I'm not thinking of the name of it. But anyways, they concentrated in like this welder's torch, and they kind of blast it on your little dry patches,

and it kind of burns. It feels like you're being burned with a match or something, and it, like, burns off the bad patch to skin on your body. Okay? So I had a few little dry patches. I think we all do. And that was it. So all of a sudden, it's like four years later, and I thought, you know, I'm going to go in again.

You know, this is probably something I should do every year. So I go in again, and sure enough, there's like a little thing on my chest, like it felt like a zit or it felt like a little patch of sunburn. It was kind of like irritating me a little bit. And so going to the dermatologist, get down to the ginches, crunch. She takes a scalpel and cuts a piece of the... skin off, sends it in for the test. And once again, it was the same thing. It was like a non-lethal, non-cancer, you know, pre-cancerous.

It's one of those things. If you left it for, you know, seven years, it would probably blow up into something. But still, it's nice to know what you got and you get it off your body. So here's where I'm going with all this, this long-winded stuff. There's a lot of things out there. where you don't think about it. Like me, I'm a bit of a doofus. I never would have thought to go to see a dermatologist.

So what I'm saying to you guys, because I care about you, and I'm looking out for you, and I want you to be healthy and safe, if you haven't done it, it might be time for you to just set an appointment with a dermatologist, look one up on your computer, Google it, find one in your area, and go in,

And it's pretty painless. You get down to your undies, and the dermatologist kind of looks over your whole body, in your feet, on your legs, on your chest, in your scalp, on your face. And they just check for any of that stuff that could lead to problems. And boom, you're in, you're out, and the good news is if you don't have anything, you just say, okay, I'll see you next year. and if there is something that you didn't even think you might have, they can catch it.

So anyways, I know you always hear these people going on about get your colon checked and have a cancer check and blah, blah, blah. I don't know. You probably should, but this one's easy. This one doesn't involve something going up your butt, thank God. So if you've never done it, I'm just recommending it. I'm suggesting it to you pavement pounders to go in and get the old one over on your whole body and make sure there ain't nothing there that could lead to trouble.

That's it, simple. So there you go. A little tipprooney for you folks, from me to you. From Cancer Scab Willie over here to you. And I'm going to leave it there. that's a good place to go i keep it in your head that you uh you get on google and look someone up and go go to your uh dermatologist um and also while you're at it go to harlem williams dot com check out the uh the website uh please subscribe to the youtube channel just click on the button there

you can uh check my stand-up schedule you can uh you can do all kinds of things in there go to the store, buy some merchandise, all that stuff, and tell your friends about the Harland Highway, and we want to get everyone on board so they can have some laughs and go to the dermatologist. What? So that's it, folks. Once again, sorry we missed a week. I try not to let that ever happen, but I was just over friggin' loaded. So we're back on track. Hope you had some laughs here today. We'll be back on. Monday, and that is that. Until next time, get that skin checked, and chicken. Chalman, baby.