The Harland Highway - 572 - EARTHQUAKE alert, grave robbers, and letters from you guys.

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

What's with all the earthquakes lately, should we be scared? Letters from the PAVEMENT POUNDERS, and a creepy graverobber story. Yuck my muck!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hey, it's Harlan Williams here. You are rolling down the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams. That's right, it's me. It's me. Who is this, Harlan Williams? It's me. Great to have you here, everybody. A great show today, as always. Isn't it always great? No. Yes. No. Yes. Shut up. Today we are going to be talking about a very kind of disturbing story. You ever heard the term grave robber? You wouldn't think that grave robbing went on in modern life. But wait until you hear this story about this creepy grave robber.

It's just going to kind of make your skin crawl. It's so gross. Also, we're going to be talking about, earthquakes, man. There's been a lot of earthquakes happening lately, and I'm getting worried. I have a theory that something's going on. I'm going to be talking about that because it's just been happening too much. And then also later in the show, we're going to dip into the

pavement pounder mailbag. You guys have been sending me some great letters to the website, harlotwilms.com. So we're going to read your letters and hear what you have to say. It's all happening today. right here on the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway I am out here for you

You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoke I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams I buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight?

Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to sign.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quit sniff and brew. La-de-de-de-de- well, I don't want to take away from the cheery music and the cheery vibe, but, you know, I've got a little bit of a concern happening here. from Grand Central Station here at the Harland Highway. Has anyone else noticed this, that there have been a hell of a lot of earthquakes lately? Yeah, like usually there's a few a year. They're scattered all over the world.

There's been like, there's been like 20 in the last, like, I don't know how long. um it's it's kind of scary like within the last few uh you know weeks maybe months there's been a heck of a lot of of back-to-back earthquakes a lot of on the on the west coast of north america but they've they've had them all over the world and i've been kind of keeping my eye on it and i'm thinking is something up is this like a precursor to something bigger like there's always like earthquakes every year but i i haven't seen them or heard about them this much i mean it's it's a little nerve-wracking i get the feeling something's brewing they indicate another pre-shock probably before noon today and if it happened then the big one

follows in 48 hours and you got it when you got to think about it when you think about the the history the evolution of planet Earth. If you go back and look, you know, billions of years ago, everything was just one big giant continent, you know? A lot of these land masses that we know as countries these days were just all lumped together. And over the course of time, they've moved. They've physically moved and separated and shifted.

The city of Los Angeles, and it's millions of people living, loving, planning, fighting, until nature's most violent of evil forces them to battle and claw for life itself. But when you look at the old maps of the earth, it's not they shifted a little bit. I mean, these things literally, like, moved hundreds and thousands of miles. They broke apart. They swung downwards. They swung upwards. They drifted across the sea.

They snapped in the middle, yada, yada, yada. I mean, there was a lot of geographical movement going on. And you've got to think, you know, as long as I've been alive, and as long as my parents and my grandparents have been alive, you know, the geography of the world has looked pretty much the same. There might be a few new little blotches in the oceans that the, you know, the volcanoes have created. But I don't think there's been any monumental shifting of the continents or the Earth or anything like that.

So you have to figure if the Earth went through all those shifts, those massive shifts over the centuries, then you've got to figure the Earth is still moving around. And you've got to think, man, if we get it out of here, just break it out. And you got to think, man, if we get knocked on our asses by a little tiny earthquake, like a, you know, a 7.9 or whatever, which is big on the earthquake scale. But at the end of the day is just a little shake, really. Can you imagine the violent disruptions that happened when continents were shifting and moving apart?

So you've got to figure at some point in time the Earth is constantly probably moving and shifting and maybe now's the time. Maybe it's been sitting still for a couple of centuries. Maybe 10,000 years, maybe 20,000 years. Who knows? And maybe the Earth's starting to go, it's time, it's time to move again.

It's time to get rambling. It's kind of like us humans, right? We live in a house or an apartment for, a little while, I'm like, ah, it's a nice house, but I'm getting antsy. I want to move. And you've got to think maybe good old Mother Earth is still moving stuff. And when there's a big move, like when there's one of those big shifts where, like, Africa decides to put it into fourth gear and motor across and spoon with South America? because they look like they'd fit, the curvature,

the shape of Africa and the shape of South America. They're right across from each other. They're like an angry couple. The girls laying on one side of the bed and the guy's on the other. And they haven't been talking, and finally they realize it's getting cold here in the night. I'm getting lonely, so I'm going to slowly slide over

and start spooning. So what if that happens? What if that happens with other countries? What if Greenland decides, you know, it's getting cold up here? I think I'm just going to slide on into Arkansas. I'll cut down the Hudson Bay in Canada. I'll take a left turn at Niagara Falls, worm my way around Rochester,

slide right over Toledo, crunch right into the United. the middle of the United States of America. Hello, Greenland. I mean, at what point did all the countries start to get squirrely and decide to move again? I don't know, man. That's what I'm saying. I'm worried about all these earthquakes, one after the other lately.

Sadism and self-sacrifice, hysteria and mass emotion that will surround and engulf you completely. If you feel you are there. You're all going to have to help yourself. Help me. Is the giant starting to wake up and wanting to walk around and stretch? I don't know. Stay tuned, man. Earthquake Central.

Let's see what happens. here on good old restless planet earth. Who is this? My mother is dead. All right. And speaking of dad, this is a nutty story. Are you ready for this one? Okay, this is unforgivable.

Check out this headline. Please catch a woman who swiped a stuffed duck from an Ohio boy's grave. Are you kidding me? An Ohio woman was charged with stealing a stuffed duck from a 14-month-old boy's grave after police released surveillance video of the theft. What the hell is that? You know, you can probably buy a box of stuffed ducks at the buck store. You've got to be some kind of real weirdo with a death fetish or something to be sneaking into graveyards

and robbing the graves of little kids. Here's this woman, Frida K. Shade. Her last name's Shade. She's shady, all right. 54 years old. They have a picture of her. And she's just what you'd expect, okay? Kind of a big overweight woman, white woman,

the fat, roly arms, the big boobs in the gut, the oversized jeans with the big round area up front like her womb's covered up in denim the short crazy red hair the sunglasses looks like your typical white trash like fat trailer chick right and she plans to plead not guilty to the misdemeanor charge

though she admits taking the animal left on the kid's burial place lot for Easter. Okay? Now this lady's lawyer says their sympathy goes out to the deceased child and the family. But it's crazy. I mean, what's going on in a person's mind? How many of you listening have ever thought, you know, where do I get a stuffed duck?

Oh, wait a minute. graveyard how many of you have wandered into a graveyard and taken anything so shade told the investigators that she saw a loose dog at the cemetery and she feared it was going to destroy the duck so that was her that was her big phony excuse she told the cops oh yeah there was like a dog running around and she didn't want the duck to get ripped up by the dog first of all who cares you know if a dog does it it's kind of innocent and uh i don't know why i don't i don't think i've ever seen a dog in a cemetery although that's probably the smartest place for a dog to go because there's a lot of bones there boys i know you dogs like to dig up bones that's probably

the number one spot now that i think of it why aren't there millions of dogs in the cemetery good lord that there's buried bones there that's a dog's favorite treat the cemetery is like a golden corral bone buffet for dogs you get dogs that run away they wander in the streets they hide on a back alley they burrow under a under a porch someone starts selling tickets to the graveyard to the dogs so anyways this this uh cheese bag lady says she saw a dog so out of the goodness of her heart she goes and gets the duck. Although the cops say there was no dog ever seen on the surveillance video.

And the police also go on to say that the duck wasn't the first sentimental item that was stolen from the graveyard. So the cops installed the surveillance camera after the parents of the little kid reported that someone was regularly taking the toys and lights they left on the grave. So either this chick doesn't like this dead kid, who I don't think she even knew, or she's just a freak. So last Saturday, four to five hours after the young boy's parents decorated the grave, the camera recorded a woman casually picking up the large yellow duck, look around, and walk away. So the cops released the video and tips about the woman's identity.

identity poured in. Now, the cops released the video on their Facebook page, and the duck was found the next morning near the cemetery. So what happens? Shade. Not Charday. I don't think the jazz singer Sharday is walking around.

I'm a smooth operator. Ooh, there's a duck. Diamond life. Ooh, there's a little stuffed teddy. bear. No, it's not Charday. Coast to Coast, L.A. to Chicago. Ooh, there's a plastic bunny.

Why am I quacking after every animal? So anyway, Charday or Shade turned herself in to the cops. And the parents said, I'm glad she's been caught, adding that she does not buy the dog explanation that Shade gave the cops. I don't think any of us do. the parents said I think it's all a bunch of bull crap she said the family has been decorating

their child's graves since the little boy a triplet who was born a micro preemie I don't know what that means and had a number of medical problems died during a nap in 2007 I don't mean to laugh yikes

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discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, that's a little bit odd. You're a little boy at the beginning of your life. You're probably healthy as a bullet and you die during a nap. Yeesh. I mean, I I picture old guys shoveling the driveway or cutting down a tree and dying of a heart attack or a stroke, but a bouncy little boy lays down for a nap and goodbye. That's sad. I guess it has something to do with this micro-premy condition.

I don't even want to look that up. Micro-premy. It sounds like one of those specialty beers, doesn't it? Yeah, bartender, give me a couple of micro-premies, please. Huh? Oh, they died? Okay. Well, then forget it. Give me a bud. I don't know. Not to make fun of a dead little kid, but just some odd circumstances here.

So the surviving siblings participated in the ritual and were upset by the thefts. Each incident that happened caused anger and then depression at the thought of not being able to put something on the grave of the dead child without someone taking it, the mother said. The mother plans to attend the lady's next court date and said that if she could speak to her, quote, I would just ask her why and tell her a little more about my son

and what she's doing to us and to his brother and sister. Well, that would be kind of cool. You know, that's the way it should be. People should be able to go up and confront. confront people and express to them the hurt and the pain that they're causing. Because I think a lot of people don't factor that in when they commit crimes, when they steal, when they abuse the system, they hurt other people. They don't really realize, well, maybe they do and they get off on it,

but maybe a lot of the times they don't realize how deeply they're affecting another human being until they're confronted face-to-face with that human being. Remember that old saying, do unto others as thou would have done unto thineself? Try and live by that, man. And don't, don't, if you're all like, oh, that's religious, isn't that one of the Ten Commandments? I don't care what it is. I don't care if Satan wrote that, okay? That's a good motto to live by.

Do unto others as thou would have done unto thine self. Why do stuff to other people that you would never want done to you? That's not hard. Maybe everyone should wake up every day and just recite that. Instead of the Lord's Prayer or singing the National Anthem, just get that. Everyone should have it tattooed on their back of their hand. I bet the world would be a much better place. So anyways, they caught this chubby grave robber,

and hopefully now this little, Micropriene, he can rest in peace. And this family can start putting little presents back on the grave. And everyone can get on with their life, except for the, you know, the micropriene. He can't get on with his life, but he can at least look down from heaven and see a duck on his grave. Maybe he can't look down from him.

Maybe he's napping in heaven. That's probably not good because you don't want to nap and die in heaven. Okay, enough, enough, enough. And by the way, again, I think the big thing that came out of this story is we learned that if you ever run out of dog food at the house, just take Pepper or Skipby out for a walk and let them off leash in the graveyard, man. It won't take them long to dig up some very, very delicious bones. So there you go. That's our wacky, wacky news story for today.

Rodge, let's move on, man. Letters. Okay, you want to do letters? Yeah. You got the mailbox? Okay. Yeah, let's do it. Let's read some letters from the pavement pounders.

Okay, here we go. Good call, Rod. It's a good idea. Let's go to our mailbox. These are actual real letters from you guys, you listeners, you pavement pounders who listen to the show. Let's dip into the letters here. What do we got? This is from Brian.

He says liquid nitrogen. Oh, okay. So he says, glad to hear that you're okay and you're doing fine. Love the show. You rock, dude. We'll see you when you visit San Diego again. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Brian.

I was talking the other day about going and getting like my body checked at a dermatologist, you know, to check for anything, you know, walnuts, coconuts, cancers. lemon meringue pies, welts, onion rings, whatever grows on your skin. And I was talking about how they get this canister of whatever it is, and they kind of zap your little dry patches on your skin or anything that looks suspicious. And I couldn't remember what was in this canister in a liquid nitrogen. and they zap you when it dries up anything that looks like it could be suspicious and it just like two days later just falls off like a greasy scab.

I know. I don't like talking about this stuff, but the whole point of the thing was to try and get you pavement pounders to go in and see a dermatologist just to make sure there's nothing hidden on your body. Sometimes these little cancer things or pre-cancerous things uh could be obvious little uh bumps or lumps on your on your epidermis hey man your epidermis is showing uh remember that one when you were a kid

uh so anyways if you get the chance go in and see a dermatologist and just get a quick drive by it takes like 10 minutes they look over your body make sure there's nothing there that can ultimately kill you is that a bad thing that i want you guys to live? How many podcast hosts urge their listeners to live? I'm urging you to live. All right. Let's move on to another letter here. Here we go. This is from Jesse from Alaska. Ooh, Alaska. God. I wonder if winter's over up there, if it ever ends. Here we go. Jesse from Alaska asks, Hi, Harland. In your new intro on the Harlan Highway right after. after looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

Somebody says, blank thing to say. And it's driving me nuts trying to figure out what that line is. Can you please tell me? Thanks, chicken chamein, baby. Oh, my gosh. All right. So that line comes from a comedy movie that's called Bruno. and it was done by the same guy that did, you know, that it's a sexy time.

And the line is, that is such a Samantha thing to say. And basically, Bruno plays this gay-like fashion guy. And he goes out into the bushes and goes camping with a bunch of rednecks down in the southern United States. And they're all sitting around the fire. And Bruno asks each and every one of them which member of the girls from sex in the city they are. And, you know, they get really mad. These are real guys.

And one of them, Donnie, says, I'm not any of them. And then Bruno says, that is such a Samantha thing to say. It's hilarious. If you've never seen the movie Bruno, it's, it's hilarious. It's outrageous and it's a really a funny moment in the movie. So there you go. Sorry that it drove you nuts. And now you have the answer that you are looking for. What else do we have? Let's keep going here, Raj. Let's see. What do we have? Here we go. This is from Darcy. Darcy says, Harlan, just found your podcast. Genius.

Oh, well, thank you, Darcy. Who's the genius? Me or you? It sounds like you're the genius for finding... Hey, Harlan, just found your podcast, genius. I think you're the genius for finding it. I'm no genius. Just to ask anybody that knows me. I ain't no genius.

You go on to say, have eaten out of garbage on quite a few occasions. Okay, I did a podcast a few. weeks ago asking people if they've ever eaten picked food out of a garbage can or out of the garbage and quite a few people surprisingly called in which i'm glad about because i didn't want to be the only loser that did it so darcy goes on to say uh have eaten out of the garbage the trick is spray windex on the chocolate cake chocolate bar cookies as you're throwing it out usually end up taken a few more bites before spraying it. Knowing no buybacks,

L-O-L. My brother and his girlfriend figured out the Windex thing works great. Or flush, I flush what I'm not supposed to be eating now. Respect. Wait a minute. Darcy, I'm a little confused. You throw food in the garbage, spray it with Windex, and then take it out and eat it again? I'm not sure what you're saying, but listen, there's a lot of steps to eating food out of the garbage.

One is it's dirty just to eat it out of the garbage. And two is you're not doing yourself any service by spraying toxic window cleaner on the garbage food. I'm not sure what the windex accomplishes, except slowly poisoning yourself. Wow, so for all of you who like to eat food out of the garbage, please don't spray it with household chemicals. Yeah, I'm going to eat this omelette I found in the garbage, but if someone could just spray some pledge on it first, yeah, I want it to be sparkly clean and have a hint of lemon. Let's move on. That one scared me a little bit.

Don't eat window cleaner, okay? Some of you pavement pounders. A little odd. Brendan Thibodeau. That's a cool name. I wonder if that's French-Canadian. I don't know. Thibodeau.

He says to me here in the Harland Highway Mailbag, awesome comedian, bro. Thank you, buddy. My favorite movie you played is Rocket Man. Best wishes to you and your success. Well, isn't that? Nice. Thank you so much. I got to tell you, man.

I know I've talked about this before, but boy, oh boy, Rocket Man just still resonates with folks out there. That movie just does. It's one of those movies that just kind of has stood the test of time, which I'm so happy about. If you've never seen it, I would love you to get your hands on it. I think you'd like it. Anyways, let's keep going here. Let's see. Harland, the stand-up was killer.

Okay, he's talking about a few shows back. I played some live stand-up where I work out my material. I goof around with the crowd. So he goes, the stand-up was killer. I can help a little. The knock-knock joke was a great idea, but the audience was telepathed, the punchline. I don't think you mean telepath.

I think you mean telegraphed. If it was telepath, I could just walk out on stage and not have to open my mouth, which would be quite the stand-up show. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Harlan Williams. Yay, he's great. So the audience was telepath the punchline. Here's a better punch, and you can use it. Okay, so before I tell you his punchline,

let me tell you what the joke was. I was talking about, the joke was saying that laughter is the best medicine. And I was like, can you imagine if doctors lived by that rule and you went into the hospital and the doctor came out and, you know, using laughter as the guidelines, said to the guy, hey, Mr. Smith, knock, knock, who's there? You're a who? you're going to be dead in three weeks. You've got a brain tumor.

So Bob's telepathic version was knock, knock, who's there, not you in a week because you'll be dead. And then Bob says it's quicker to the punch. Love you, Bob Turner. Well, you know what, Bob? You know what? I'm not going to criticize because you might be right there. I think Bob actually does have a legitimate cause there.

And I don't know why you wrote to me, Bob, because you could have just telepathically sent this letter to me. But, you know, sometimes you got it right. But yes, I will take your suggestion to heart, and I might even try that one up on stage and see what happens. Good call, Bob Turner. Thank you. see now I got you guys writing my material for me but that's okay

I can live with that it's like a freebie for me it's like a free I just got a free joke from a pavement pounder I'll take it I will take it damn it let's see here's another letter this is from who is this from Gioci it's a cool name too Giosi. Hello, my name is Giozzi. Can I make you a pastrami sandwich? Giosi says, hi, Harlan. I am a fan from Montreal and loving your podcast, especially Aunt Ruthie. Oh, thank you, little angel. We listen religiously, L.O.L. Thank you.

You obviously didn't hear my episode about L.O.L. I said, we got to stop using LOL. But maybe you just put that in there because you did hear it. Hmm. Interesting. Good little subtle burn on me, GEOC, unless you didn't do it for that reason, and then I got to say stop doing it, L.O.L. GEOC goes on to say, love seeing you in Montreal for the Just for Last Comedy Festival. Hope you come back to the city soon. I hope so too. I love it out there. Montreal, great city. They have an incredible comedy festival every summer. If you haven't been to it, you should go. It's unbelievable.

Josie says, my sister makes some wonderful family crests, and we wanted to know where Williams originates. Is it Welsh, German, or Scottish? Well, I believe Williams is Welsh, but I know that my dad's side of the family has a touch of German in there as well. So I think Welsh, for starters, and German, and I think a little Swedish or something in there, too. So, interesting.

Yossi says, we would love to send you the gift once you confirm the right descendant. Hmm. Well, I just might follow up on this. Congrats on Season 2 of Packaged Deal, which is my Canadian sitcom. Sorry, America. Hopefully you get it down there soon.

Look forward to the new episodes. Well, thank you, Giosi. Very, very cool letter. I never really thought about my family crest before. That's an interesting topic on itself. I wonder what mine would look like. Like most people have like lions and unicorns and knights with spears. Mine would probably be like a guy with no chin and an ostrich or something crazy.

Some guy holding a cheeseburger at the drive-thru. and, you know, skipping in leotards or something. I can't imagine my family crest is all that, you know, decadent. All right, Roger. Why don't we do one, two more letters, and then we're out of here, okay? All right, here we go. Let's see. Who do we got?

Sean McInoe. Sean, now there's a Scottish crest, if I ever heard one. Sean McInoe. Hey, Harlan. Guy Fries makes me cries. He was just so upsetting. The movie E.T. always gets me at the end. Love your work. Brilliant stuff. Truly, Sean McEnoy. Toronto, that's my hometown. Thank you, Sean. I appreciate it, buddy. I think Sean's referring to Guy Fries. I had an expert on a few weeks ago that was talking about what happened to the Malaysian airliner that went missing. This guy was an aeronautics expert and he came on and his name was Guy Fries and he kind of told us that what happened with the Malaysian airliner is it dipped too low over the ocean

and some dolphins that were jumping up in the air got sucked into the engine and it brought the jet down. And I think you're referring to crying at ET as I also did a podcast asking you guys and girls out there. What makes you cry as adults? Is there anything that makes you cry as adults? And Sean shared with us here that it looks like ET, the ending of ET gets them. Well, thank you for being honest, Sean. I think that's a good one. I think everybody chokes up at the end of ET. Unless you're not a fan of big bubble-faced freaks with glowing fingers and you're happy the thing dies. and then lastly our last letter why don't we uh why don't we end on our friend veronica Veronica uh always kind of uh you know she's she's like the official spell checker for the

harland highway she's she's always correcting me because i do make many many mistakes here on the highway um and uh i love it i love it that she's looking out for me so let's see what she has to say today. From Veronica, hey Harland, I remember Highway to Heaven and there was one episode where I cried. Oh, okay, here's some more responses to the crying question I asked.

She goes, it was the episode that had something to do with pollution. Michael Lannan was dressed up like a seagull or something. He was covered in oil. L.O.L. Again, I'm not sure if she's doing that or that's a tip of the hat

to my LOL podcast. So now whenever I see an oil spill with the birds covered in oil, I always think of that. Also, when little baby gophers get run over, it makes me cry, especially when they're half alive and they're trying to get back to their little homes. Oh, my God. Oh, Veronica. All right, well, yes, who wouldn't cry at Michael Landon dressed as a seagull covered in oil? and then, yes, those little baby gophers getting run over

and they're half alive. Oh, my God, what a visual. Just baby gopher crawling across the road with its front paws, the lower half of its body completely flat, its back legs unable to move, that's just pulling its dead stump across the road. That is sad. And now I'm going to cry for a little half-cophers.

Oh, my goodness, I'm so sad. All right. I'm going out on some tears here. Rod, let's close up the mailbag. Some great letters. Thank you, everybody, for writing in. You can write in at harlorewilums.com. And I love hearing from you guys.

Some hilarious letters, some great questions, some great comments, some nice compliments. Thank you, one and all. I think that's a great place to close up the show, too, right, Raj? All right, play the music, and let's get out of here. Another letter from our Mr. Day. All right, good stuff. Again, thank you for your letters. Love hearing from you guys.

Also, if you want to phone in and leave a voicemail, you're welcome to do that. If you go to Harlow Williams.com, the phone number for the voice machine is, right there on the homepage at harlem williams.com. Or if you just feel more comfortable writing me, you can do that at harlemwilms.com, as I said. You can also check out my web store while you're there

if you want to buy some merch or you want to see my stand-up comedy tour schedule. It's all there. Or you can even join my YouTube channel for free. No strings attached. Just whenever we put up a wacky video, you're the first to see it. You can also join my Twitter page

with the Facebook page, all that digital media stuff that we all love. So that's it, gang. Thanks for being here on the show. We will catch you on the next one. And until next time, Chicken, Chalming, baby.