The Harland Highway - 573 - SENIOR FUENTES visits, Hockey Night in Canada.

Episode Date: May 1, 2014

Harland's annoying gardener Senior Fuentes drops by, Hockey Night in Canada traditions, racist basketball. sink into a stink! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Greece is the word, greased. Why is Greece the word? Greece isn't the word. There's two words that are the word. The Harland. That's three words. The Harland Highway. Three words are the word, not Greece.

Sorry. Hey, welcome to the three words, the Harland Highway I'm referring to. I'm your host, whose name is made up of two words, Harlan Williams. And we are here today to entertain you. talk and tell stories and listen and fart and eat cabbage whatever it's all going down here today we're going to be talking about that horrible coach that horrible basketball not coach the owner of the la clippers uh we're going to be talking about his racist rants and the punishment that was dealt out to him and talk about the whole uh nonsense of uh people who make these

these horrible racial comments. And running on the sports theme, we're going to be talking about the NHL hockey playoffs. I don't know if you're a hockey fan, but we're going to talk about that a little bit. And more specifically, the Hockey Night in Canada theme song, which is a biggie. And then later on, I believe we have a special guest.

I think my gardener, Senor Fuentes, is dropping by. Not happy about that, but happy to have you here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you

Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well we had a choice, stay. Make fish? Yes, yes, I remember.

I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit amphitomey. That is thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quick, you get the wrong week.

Quish doesn't do. Here we go, here we go. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Or pavement pounders, as you may be known better by. Hey, so it's hockey season here in North. America. It's the NHL playoffs. And for those of you, they don't know what the NHL is, National Hockey League. And some of you are maybe not hockey fans. And some of you are. And you're the cool ones, by the way. Whoa, what? What was that? Nothing. Nothing. I didn't say anything.

But this topic's a little bit about hockey, but more it's about music and theme songs. because in Canada and Canadians are born and raised, we're corn-fed on hockey, okay? Hockey just runs through, you know, the fabric of society up in Canada from coast to coast. And so people really love their hockey. And when I was growing up, there was a show called Hockey Night in Canada.

And it's still on today. It's on the government-run television network called the CBC Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. And it's actually, I don't know why it still exists. It's like in communist Russia and communist China, they have television owned by the state, owned by the government. And for some reason in Canada, we still have our major TV station is run and owned. and the people employed our civil servants. It's run and owned by the government. It's a little odd in this day and age.

I mean, it's a decent station. The CBC, you know, does a lot of programming that revolves around Canadian culture and Canadian history, which I guess is good. Sometimes it's forced down your throat a little too much. But one of the things they do carry, which I'm grateful for that is a big part of Canadian culture is, you know, hockey and especially the hockey playoffs.

And many of the early teams in hockey, the original six, were Canadian teams and blah, blah, I don't want to get all into the history of hockey, but the theme song they had for Hockey Night in Canada was really, really cool. It's one of those kind of catchy, you know, kind of catchy tunes that was all music and came out of, I think it was, I don't know when it was created, but it's kind of old school. And when it gets in your head, you kind of can't forget it. It's like you'll always have it in your head and a lot of us kids grew up on it. And then one day they decided to just get rid of it and update it. And we're like, wait, what?

that some things you just shouldn't change so before i go any further let me play a part of the hockey night in canada theme song and uh you can hear how frigging cool it is man and how catchy it is see see if this little tune gets in your head There you go to There you go to There you got to There you got to admit it's pretty catchy, right? Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunn tan tan da da.

Every Canadian kid knew that song, man. That's the sound men making, Canada, when they orgasm. They don't even grunt. When they're about to do it, they're just, they're all sweaty, their eyes rolled back in their head, and they're like, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Oh my god, are you kidding?

It's such a cool tune. It's like the Hawaii 5-0 song, right? That... It's like, if you played Hawaii 5-0 backwards, you'd get the Hockey Night in Canada theme song. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. see what I mean? Yeah, you heard it.

You know you did. You heard the Hawaii 5-0 theme song in there backwards. Let's not say we didn't. But anyways, before I talk too much more, now I want you to hear the new updated song that they came up with to replace the old cool one. And before I comment on it, just let... I want you to hear it while the old one's still fresh in your head.

So here's the updated Hockey Night in Canada. theme song. Oh, God. Is anybody puking yet? Can you believe it? Forget about hockey night in Canada. How about puking up in Canada all night long after hearing that? I mean, come on, man.

That sounds like a coffee commercial or a car commercial. You ever see those commercials where there's like a Dodge neon winding through? some hills in northern California or speeding across the prairies or a you know a Chevy truck commercial where you see a truck driving up the side of a rocky hill for no reason because that's that's where you go when you get a truck you drive up rocky hills you go right off the road well I got a truck I better get off the road and get on that rocky hill with my truck because I got to get to the top of the Rocky Hill

I mean I'm sorry man you just don't do away with a classic tune like dun dun dun dun dun and then you put this thing in and it's got like the cheesy guitar solo like who wrote this thing a Rio speed wagon it's like the cheesy guitar solo you hear in the middle of every rock ballad from the 80s

Did you hear the guitar in there? Oh, God. Beem, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another, the hockey night in Canada theme song really blows. God, that's the type of thing you'd hear in an elevator. Or, you know, pushing a shopping car through Walmart. Bewee, we, we, we, we.

Oh, God. Some things you just don't change, especially when it's the fabric of your country, man. When it's so old and steeped in tradition, you just don't redo it. you know what i mean it's it's like sometimes you hear rock stars i've done podcasts on this before where where people redo classic rock tunes and it just doesn't work so for my money i want to stick i wish we could have stuck with this Instead of this.

And I know that somewhere there's some musicians who were paid to write this or create this. And no disrespect to the artists who came up with the new theme. But I'm sure they were under the heavy-handed guide of the government. the government television station. You will come up with the no theme song for the hockey and you will make it sound like elevator music or you will make it sound like the kind of music you would hear pushing a shopping cart down in the Walmart

and you will make guitar solo like ario speed wagon and you will say nothing about it. You will do as you're told. Yeah, but what about the old hockey theme? We'll be put in the incinerator and we'll never hear of it ever again. As far as we are concerned, it never existed. Yeah, but that was a good song. I don't shut your mouth or we will kill you.

Wait a minute. I said shut your mouth or we will kill you. Now, make us cheesy music, Walmart, cart pushing hockey song, quickly. Okay. So there you go, gang. There's the crux of that situation. And for those of you who like the new one and are listening to this and going, screw you, Williams,

I'm never listening to your show again. Well, it's just a matter of taste, I guess. But I'm always going to stand by the old one. This is Hockey Night in Canada. Okay, and speaking of sports, let's move on to something that's in the news. You can't get away from it. The owner of the L.A. Clippers, who went on the racially motivated rant and admitted to doing so, and he's been expelled from the NBA.

He's never allowed to enter the building. He's never allowed to interact with the fans or the players or the powers that be in the head office. He's just done. He's toast. And first of all, I want to commend the National Basketball Association for doing what they did. I mean, I was so worried that because everyone's so afraid of litigation and you know how it works in the state. Sometimes the perpetrators have more rights than the victims. So I was worried because this guy had money and status and power that, you know, he was going to be able to brush it away.

or he was going to be able to come on and say he didn't mean it or he had suffered from ADD or he was on pills at the time. You know, all the excuses you always hear from these people that pull these boneheaded moves. And they just came out and they just basically stripped this guy. They're going to try and force him to sell the team. They're just blacklisting them from everything to do with not just his team, the clippers, but that that guy won't be.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And before they made the announcement, before the press conference, I was sitting there going, Oh, God, how are they going to spin this so that the rich guy with all the power and the influence and the money is going to be able to worm his way out of it? I bet they give him a slap on the wrist or they kind of, you know, say he didn't mean it.

But the fact they just came out and ripped this guy down is the way it should be. And that should be the way it should be across the board when there's wrongdoing in America. They should just haul people out and point the finger and make them pay and be responsible for their stupidity and their crimes. Whether they be verbal crimes, whether they be physical crimes, you know, whatever type of crime it is, it's nice to see that people realize there's consequences. Now, that being said, this guy's a billionaire. He's been fined like $2.5 million. That ain't a lot to someone who's got billions.

That's like me or you getting a parking ticket for $40, and we've got, you know, $300,000 in our bank accounts. It doesn't hurt that much. But here's the main point I want to make. When does this stuff end? When does it freaking end? It's just, it's so, so nonstop in the United States. The comments about black people, the jokes about black people, the black face routine.

You know, every few years some idiot puts on the black face or somebody makes a joke or they tweet something. I don't know who walks around thinking about all this stuff. I don't walk around all day thinking, gee, when can I make an off-color joke about another race of human beings? When can I do the black joke? When can I do the Mexican joke? When can I do the Asian joke? I don't know. And when I say joke, they're not even jokes.

It's, it's, it's, uh, they're more like comments. They're like insults. They're like, uh, it's like people playing on old stereo. At what point do we just let go of all that stuff, man? Why are people always looking for that angle, that black thing? Just let it go. Frank, they're people. We're all just people.

We're white. We're black. We're Latino. I just don't get it. I really don't get it. It's very disheartening and confusing. But, you know, I hope if nothing else comes from this, that it really opens a lot of people,

especially in the younger generation, opens up their eyes as to how unnecessary and how unwanted and how unneeded that kind of mindset is. Now, the only thing I can say about this guy is that maybe, and I'm not defending them, and I don't know what's in his head, but I'm trying to think, well, where does this come from? Where does a guy like this get these ideas, get these notions, get these horrible thoughts?

And the only thing you can look back is I think it's fair to say that maybe older generations who grew up during the times of, you know, racial segregation might still have some of that stuff implanted in their head. I'm not saying they do, but I'm saying maybe they're. they do because they grew up in it. And sometimes when you grow up in something, sometimes things maybe shades of it linger around or you never really get through it because it's imprinted on you. And you learn to rise above it

and I think the majority of people do when they get around it. But maybe somewhere in the back of some people's heads, some old timers, maybe some of that stuff lingers in the subconscious or maybe it's just purposeful. Maybe it's still there very prevalent, but they suppress it because they know it's not correct.

But for any celebrity or anybody at all who thinks it's fun to tweet, kind of an off-color remark about someone's race or color or religion, can you just think before you do it? Can you just realize that we all bleed, we all cry, we all laugh, we're all the same, man? How many more of these incidents do we have to hear before everyone gets it? Just leave the racial comments, leave the racial stereotypes at the door, man. There's so many other things you could say or talk about. So I was really happy to see the commissioner of a basketball just step up to the microphones and just go.

This guy is a piece of junk and we are stripping him down and he is slammed. It is done. I mean, think of it. Okay, put yourself in the shoes of an African American basketball player. You're playing for a league, you're generating millions, if not trillions of dollars, at least billions of dollars in a decade for a sports organization, hundreds of thousands, millions of fans all over the world. You're talented, you're graceful, you're good at what you do, and little do you know you're working. For a boss who thinks you're less of a human being than he is because of your skin color, and that's your boss?

That's the guy that cuts your paycheck? I don't care if you make $3 million or $3. That takes you into the territory where you just want to rip your check up. You don't want to take money from the hand of a guy like that. it's just awful so anyways i'm not going to drone on about it because you guys i'm sure you've all seen it and uh who knows what your opinions are but i just i just in closing i just wish you know anyone out there listening just before you say anything dumb and hopefully these dumb things don't even enter into your head but before they do just stop yourself at the door and just don't

Let's progress as a society and I just don't want to hear any more These stupid idiots who make these horrible comments about other people Okay, there Done and done Raj, let's move on man Let's move on Oh, I admit I don't know too much about modern times The devil with people

I'm not concerned with people Have a really nice day today You deserve it. Please go away and leave me alone. Okay, Roger. What are we doing next? Hmm? Who's here? Who?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Roger. What is he doing here? I don't want him here. That's my gardener, for God's sakes. Oh, for crying out loud. What a... Oh, hello, senor. My name is Senor Fuentes.

I know who you are. Oh, what are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? That's Fuentes. That's what I said. You said Fuentes. Yes? It's pronounced Fuentes. I'm not dragging it out.

What are you doing here? I am in the middle of a podcast. Now, I told you, you're my gardener, okay? Yes, signor. You work at home. Yes, see? And? Yes.

You work in my garden. That's what I pay you for. I get paid to do a podcast. You get paid to work in the garden. See, Signor. It's kind of making me wonder about your earlier thing about talking about people making racial comment This is not a racial comment

What is your profession? I'm a gardener, signor. Okay. And what is your ethnicity? I am Mexican. So? What's racial about that? You're Mexican, you grew up,

you decided to be a gardener. I decided to do a podcast. Yes, but that's your problem, senor. Oh, so now you're saying, I'm a loser? Can you say that word again, Signor? What, loser? Yep, that's it, Signor. All right, what are you doing here, Fuentes?

That's, Signor, Fuentes. What are you doing here? I'm not feeling so good today, Signore. Well, why not? Well, remember you said I had a flu bug, Signore? Yes, it's going around. A lot of people have a flu bug. Well, senor, I drank a whole.

bottle of pesticide excuse me you know pesticide it kills bugs yes it kills bugs it kills mites and ticks and aphids and lady bugs and grasshoppers see seor okay well you said i had a flu bug yes so i drank a bottle of bug killer okay and now i feel worse than before I even talk to you, Signor. Listen, when I said you had a bug, see? I meant you had a flu bug.

Yes, but where I come from a bug is a bug is a bug, is a bug, signor. If I have a bug, I'm going to put bug killer on it, senor. Are you telling me that you went down in the garage, see? And you opened a bottle of bug killer. See? Because you had a flu bug.

See, senor. And you drank a whole bottle of bug killer. I believe the technical term is pesticide, signor. Oh, my God. Do you think it will affect my ovaries? What are you talking about? My ovaries, signor. I don't want to have deformed children.

You don't have ovaries, Fuentes. That's Fuentes. What are you doing? What can I do for you? I was wondering, Signor, if you could pump me. What? What? I wondered if you could pump me, Signore.

What do you mean, pump you? You know, pump me. I'm not going to pump you? What does that even mean? I mean, I brought the hose, Signore. You can pump me and help me get rid of my pesticides. I'm going to help you get rid of your pesticides with a garden hose. See, senor, you can pump my stomach.

Well, why didn't you say pump your stomach? Well, you didn't let me finish, Signor. I want you to pump my stomach. With a garden hose. See, senor, it's the only way to get the bug killer out of my system. After all, you're the one that said I had a flu bug. Oh, my God. Give me the hose.

If you could just stick your hose down my throat, signor. Pardon me? I'm saying, signor, in order to pump me. Yes. And stop saying pump me. It sounds wrong. Well, how about I say it in French, pump-mois. Since when do you know French, pump-mois?

That's what I said, signor. You know what it means? What? Pump me. What are we doing here? You're going to stick your hose down my throat, Signore, and pump me really hard. I'm going to stick my hose down your throat and pump you really hard. Is that it?

See, signor. Oh, God. Open your mouth. A little wider. Stick your hose down my throat, signor. I am. And stop talking about it. Here it comes.

What, signor? My hose. Okay, stuff it in, senor. Okay, senor. Stop pumping now that your hose is way down my throat. Don't tell me to pump because my hose is way down your throat. Okay, sir, sir. Hold on.

I'm holding on, sir. Here it comes. Oh, I feel much better, senor. Are you sure? Oh, yes, signor. Since you shoved your hose down my throat and pumped me so hard, I feel like a man again. Don't say it like that. Well, I do, senor.

feel a hundred percent better before I was sick I was feeling horrible I was dizzy I come in here you pump me with your hose and now I feel like a big strong man all over again get out I'm sorry get out of here you know I still feel a little dizzy maybe you can pump me one more time get out get keep going out roger I'm telling you, man, you keep letting my gardener in here, and it's ruined it. We probably lost about 500 listeners right there because of this. Now, keep them out, okay? I don't want them around here anymore.

Why not, senor, you give a really good pump job. Get them out! I give a really good pump job, do I? Yes, really deep. Get out! all right roger throw to a commercial or something i need to calm down god my throat's never felt better seor get out god i can feel my blood pressure going up i'm i got to end the show here i'm just too uh irritated thanks roger uh that's it folks uh hope you had a good time here today i did up until just now

where my gardener Senor Fuentes wanders in. Oh, God. So anyways, that's it. Please check out Harlan Williams.com if you want to write to me or leave a phone message. The number is there at the website on the home page. I also have the Harland Highway Merchandise Store there. If you want to buy some goodies, what else can I tell you? Click on the YouTube subscription button there.

You will be locked in on my crazy videos when and where I put them out. And listen to ATC.com, all things, comedy.com. A great podcast network where you can also find my show, amongst others. And what else? What else? That's it. You can check up my stand-up comedy calendar while you're on there. I don't have a lot of dates at the moment,

because I'm still shooting my little Canadian sitcom. But all else is good. That's it. Hope you have a good hockey season, the NHL playoffs. Be kind to each other. Treat each other with respect. And until next time, chicken, chameen, baby. It's a song to come.