The Harland Highway - 579 - Worlds worst BLOW JOB, Japanese band attack,

Episode Date: May 29, 2014

Believe it or not there is a BAD blowjob that exists, a popular Japanese pop band is attacked, calls from the Pavement Pounders. Harland plans a holiday in Europe. Slump Forest Gump!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

God save the queen. Da-na-na, she ain't no human being. We really mean it, my... Okay, easy, easy, easy punk rock, Willie. Good Lord, what got into me? Doing some sex pistols out of the gate. Yikes! Welcome to the show, everybody.

Good to have you here. What a show, what a show, what a show. We're going to be talking about some crazy stuff today. We're going to be talking about me going on some adventures in Europe, which is going to be really fun. We're going to be talking about the worst kind of blow jobs in the world. Yeah, I know. Wait do you hear about the worst kind of blow jobs in the world? We're going to be taking some of your phone calls here today.

Some of you pavement pounders are going to be calling in. And by the way, in case you don't know the number, it's 323-739-4330. You can always call in and leave a message. So you're going to be hearing from some of our listeners today. And also we're going to be talking about there was a crazy murder attempt. Just when you think crazy, freaky murder attempts only happen in the USA. Something went down in Japan that was pretty bizarre. Sounded American, but turned out to be Japanese.

Way to hear about this. It's crazy. It's crazy, crazy, crazy. That's because it's the crazy. Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you

You don't know what it's like to be me Out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week Quit Smoker I'm funny how I mean funny like I'm a clown I amuse you Like I took the wrong week Quit drinking

I make you laugh I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight. Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.

What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? Like, I picked the wrong week to quit in front of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quick, shness, do. Okay, let's start the show. Maybe a little raunchy. Why not? It's the 90s. Let's it out. This came to me out of nowhere, okay? I'm watching. I'm watching. I'm watching. I'm walking down the street the other day, and I see a girl come out of her apartment building out

onto the sidewalk, and her hair is all wet. She has long hair, and it's wet and long, and I guess she just got out of the bath or the shower, or maybe she has a giant fish tank in her living room, and she was swimming around with her poisonous Mediterranean gombo fish. I don't know why her hair was wet. It was. And I thought, okay, no problem. You run out, your hair's wet. You know, you let it dry naturally, you didn't have time to blow dry it, fine, nothing, no crime committed. But here's where the crime is committed, and this might get a little raunchy, but it reminded me of something that I thought I had to get off my chest, and I actually wish I could have got it off my chest. But ladies, one thing you can't do with wet, long hair, okay? Unless you're in a kneeling position.

And I think you know where this is going. And I don't want this to be crude, but it's just life. It's just life. If you don't like to hear about fallatio, then you better shut it off right now. I'll refer to it as a BJ, the old blowjob, okay? Ladies, you cannot give a dude a blowjob, a BJ, with long, wet hair. Okay, if a guy's laying on his back

in a nice, warm, cozy bed, you cannot jump up in the morning or come to bed at night just out of the shower with the hair all wet. Looks like you just swam across a lake. It's all stringy and soggy and damp. And then you decide to get frisky

and go downtown. down on your man and take them down BJ Street. It's just, it's wrong, it's, it's horrible. And what I want to do now is I got that in my head that day, and so that night I jumped up on stage at a local comedy club, and I thought I got to talk about this on stage. So let me play this for you. My rant about wet blow jobs, wet-haired blow,

jobs, and then we'll come back and discuss more in depth about how very wrong it is. Take a listen to me going off in front of a live crowd about the wet hair, BJ. You've got long hair. A lot of women with long hair, you've got yours up in a bun, but ladies, don't do this. You've had this guy. How about you're going to have it one day? Ladies, don't give your man a BJ with wet hair. That just don't feel right.

If you got long hair, dry that shit off, okay? You know what it feels like when we're laying on our back with nothing on, and your head's going up and down, and that wet hair? It feels like the tide's going in. It's like rotten seaweed washing up. washing up on our pelvic. Take that chip from the fucking ring crawled out of the way. Walk into the bedroom.

It's not good. Pleasure and cold fucking spaghetti on my chest. Doesn't do it. I always feel like when you finish it's going to be fiddler crabs and scallops in my fucking pears. Try your fucking hand. You'll find out one day, guys. Okay, so there it is. I told you it was going to be a little crude, a little rude, you know,

but that's okay. We're all human. None of this stuff comes from a sinful place. Most of you listening have either engaged in this type of activity or want to engage in it. And it happens. And this is just a humorous take on a very adult situation. But not really.

We're just all human. We do what we do. So I hope you enjoyed that. And now I want to talk to you about something that I bring up from time to time. And it's about taking time out in life. to smell the roses. And I guess I wanted to share with you because I'm going to tell you after the fact,

so I might as well tell you before the fact, I am going to take some time off and smell the roses. And here's what I'm doing. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I am going to go over to Ireland, and I'm going to do the Irish Festival in Kilkenny, Ireland. Cats Laugh Comedy Festival.

And that's going to be from, let's see, I'll be there May 29th until June 1st. And now what I'm going to do is I'm going to fly from Ireland to Paris, okay, by myself. Because sometimes I think doing things by yourself really clears up any confusion and having to deal with other people and other people's needs. Sometimes when you do things alone,

you have a very direct result. In other words, you don't have to factor anyone else in. There's no interference. Not that I don't like doing stuff with other people, but sometimes when you do stuff alone, there's a real purity to it. And you never second-guess where you're going or what you're going to do

or how spontaneous you want to be. Whereas when there's someone else with you, everything alters. So by myself, I'm flying to Paris. I'm renting a car, and I'm heading directly west, straight across to the west coast of France where I am going to find a little tiny town there is an old French movie called Mr. Hulow's Holiday which was done I think back in the 40s maybe the 50s

it's an old black and white movie by a very famous Parisian director named Jacques Tatte and it's a wonderful movie it's one of these movies that just takes you away I think I've mentioned it before on the podcast. I just love this thing. It's one of those few movies that just takes you out of your reality and sucks you in. And it's a very calming and peaceful and kind of charming movie that I found myself watching over and over again in life, which is something I don't do a lot with movies, is watch them over and over again.

But this gentleman who's quite famous in France, and this is probably his most famous movie, he shot his film in a little tiny town right on the coast of France. The movie is about, it's called Mr. Hulow's Holiday, and it's basically about this weird character named Mr. Hulow, who never talks the whole movie except to say his name, he goes, Ullo, Monsieur Ullo. And basically he breezes into town,

this little hotel right on the ocean shore by the beach, and it's just about the people that are staying at the resort and him and the activities on the beach and the dinners and the recreational activities. And it's just, I don't know, the music and the look and the ambiance of this movie, it just sucks you right in. And I saw this at a very early age when I was just a kid in my teens and it somehow just, I got attached to this movie.

And if, you know, if your adventures, I recommend you see it. It's probably not easy to find. You might have to order it on Amazon. I ordered a copy for like nine bucks they delivered to your house. Mr. Hulow's Holiday, H-U-L-O-T. And so what I'm doing is I'm going to the little town where he filmed this movie. Way back when. And apparently the hotel is still there on the beach,

and it's still very charming and small. and they even have a statue of him out on the pier. There's an old pier that goes out into the ocean that was featured in the movie, and apparently they've immortalized him and they've put a bronze statue of Mr. Hulow out on the end of the pier, and I'm like, you know what, I'm going.

This movie had an effect on me in my life, and I want to go and be in the place that I've seen so many times. So I'm very excited, and then from there, I'm going to let the adventure continue. I have the hotel booked at that little town, but outside of that, I have nothing booked. Renting a car, going to that little town for one or two nights. Then I'm going to stay on the coast. I'm going to head south on the coast of France, right along the water.

I'm going to find small fishing villages and bed and breakfasts and motorcycle gangs and bumper cars. Who knows what? It's just going to be a free-for-all. And then I'm going to hit the top of Spain. I'm going to motor along the top of Spain. And then once I reach the other side of Spain, I will be back on the coast on the south part of France. So I will now drive along the bottom of France along the coast.

Again, tapping into all the, you know, I'm not going to be a highway guy. I'm going to take all the little roads and little streets and roads that meander along the by the water. And then I'm going to hit Italy, and I'm going to hug the coast down the west shore of Italy and drive straight down to Rome, where I will end my trip in Rome and fly back to Los Angeles. And it's an open-ended ticket. I'm either going to be there 10 days or 12 days or 9 days. I don't know.

I'm just winging it. I'm enjoying life. I've talked to you guys about it before. I think I told you every year I try to do something like this. to see my planet, to see the world I live in, to experience life, to get out of my comfort zone, to taste other cultures and walk other geography. And so this is going to be a fun one. And, of course, I will tell you all about it when I'm back.

But I'm super excited. And it's something I always encourage you guys to do to get out and see your world, explore your world, enjoy your world. enjoy your world, and just don't look at it all through your television. And I know most of you probably do, but if you don't and you're hedging it, and you're fuzzing and you're worried and you're scared, well, I think you usually find once you're there, once you've made the step, it's fine. It's like snorkeling or scuba diving.

Like you look down in the water and you go, my God, there's sharks and there's electric eels and stingrays and jellyfish, and then you put your mask on, and you jump and you break through that plane where you go from air into water and suddenly you're underwater and this whole miraculous beautiful world opens up underwater and you're like, oh my God, and you realize it's gorgeous and enchanting and beautiful and yes, there's dangerous things there, but there's dangerous things everywhere and you just got to be on your toes and so there you go. And one of the things that's really charming about,

I'll go back to Mr. Hulow's Holiday for a minute, one of the things that's really charming about the movie is the soundtrack to the movie. There's this real catchy, kind of jazzy clip that kind of just, it's really the only soundtrack in the whole movie, and it just kind of keeps coming in and out at specific points in the movie, kind of the way the old Clint Eastwood movies,

when, you know, the only soundtrack was really, Remember those movies? And that would be the soundtrack that came in and out. But it really just became a part of the movie. I'm playing it for you now. It's kind of the underscore. And I actually recorded a little snippet of that from the movie. And I'm going to be playing it in my headphones as I walk the beach

in this enchanting little town. on the coast of France. So there you go, sharing a little bit of my path of summer mystery tourness, if you will. And I can't wait to let you know how it goes. I don't know. It's a great! I'm going to get it! Hello.

Hello? Hey, Harland. this is Roger from Tennessee and I just wanted to say that there's this new thing out called the isolation tank and it's great for meditating

and I just figured with you know all the talk about lintz in the past few podcasts I'll let you know about this little thing basically you get into a tub in a room that is completely black you can't see anything

it's also sound proof so there's no sound. So you go in here and you lie in kind of a tub, but the tub is full of lint. Get this. You lie down on the lint and the lint is so soft that, and the lint is also at a temperature that is the same temperature as your body. And so is the surrounding air in the room. So basically you lie down onto the lint and your body slowly relaxes and you can't tell the difference between the lint's touching your body and the air in the small room. So it literally feels like you are floating in the middle of space.

Great for meditation. Highly recommended. Chicken chal name, baby. Wow. Thank you, Roger. Boy, yeah, we talked about the amazing world of Lint a few months ago on some of the past podcasts. And boy, oh, boy.

know that there were lynchambers out there. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away.

That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy. or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I know you made it up. It's not real. But I'm going to pretend it is. Yeah, boy, oh boy, I love to lay down in a lint chamber. Okay, it's not real. But I know what you're talking about.

There are these chambers where they put in like salt and you can lay in them and they help you meditate and they help, you know, you kind of go into a dream state. There's a great movie that uses these salt chamber tank things. It's called Altered States. I know I talked about Mr. Hulow's Holiday, but this is another movie. I totally recommend you see.

It's very thought-provoking. It's called Altered States. And it's about this guy who goes into these salt tank chambers where you float. And in this movie, something extraordinary happens to this guy as he's kind of chasing the meaning of life. It's a very deep movie and moving. It's one of my favorite movies called Altered States. But back to your point about being Lynn Chambers,

Oh, my God. You could be on to something, dude. You might have to start a whole new industry where, yes, people can go into these tanks and lay down. And basically, it's like a human being laying down in a lint trap. I mean, could there be anything softer and smell more homely than laying in a giant lint trap? Get this. You lie down on the lint, and the lint is so soft. Oh, just stop right there.

You had me at lint low. Okay? I'm on board with this stuff. I mean, tell me again what it's like when you're laying in this incredible new contraption you've built, your limb trap. What's it feel like in there? You can't tell the difference between the lids touching your body and the air in the small room. So it literally feels like you are floating in the middle of space. Okay, Roger.

I'm a dude, but you're making me wet, dude, okay? I'm getting, I'm like, I'm like dripping right now, okay? I'm moist, and I'm, wait a minute. You know, maybe if men got wet too when they got excited, the way women did, wet hair, BJ wouldn't be a problem because everything would be wet. It would just be, yeah, anyways. Yes, I love, I love it. the idea. Thank you for the

lint chamber. Let me know when you build them. I will be there covered with static-free cling-free sheets and I will soak my body in Downey and I will get downy in your lint chamber. Thank you

Roger. Let's keep going. Hey, Arnold, this is Zach here. I just wanted to call and say a big fan. I actually just started listening to the podcast. I heard you mention it. when you were a guest on Doug Love's movies and decided to check out your podcast

and listen to the first couple of recent episodes you had on there and loved them and went back and it was like the very beginning that you have on iTunes and downloaded everything I could and I didn't listen to it every day since that work. It's awesome. It makes you laugh.

It's the day. It puts a huge smile on my face. And also your movies back in the day, hilarious, excellent job on it. I've been wanting to call for a while. I've listened to all your old podcast You've been talking about stuff saying to call in, and it's a way too late to call for those. But I just wanted to call and say I'm a huge fan, and keep on, keep it on, man.

Take it later and talk to you next time. Well, thank you, Zach. Listen to that. What a kind, nice, complimentary call. Thank you so much. I appreciate that kind of feedback. And, you know, it's always fun when I hear people like Zach who got to the party late. They didn't know I had a podcast.

And all of a sudden, they tune in, and they realize, like, we're already, like, four years down the line, and there's, like, 600 episodes. And they get to listen to, or good luck listening to all 600 episodes. That can't be easy. But thank you for your compliments. And this is my favorite part, because this is why I do it, gang. This is why I do the podcast, and I love to do it. Here it is right here.

Zach, put it best. Zach, listen to it every day since that works. It's awesome. It makes me laugh. It's the day. It puts a huge smile on my face. Bingo, right there. Thank you, Zach.

Appreciate the call. Keep your calls coming, folks. I love hearing from you guys. You know the number 323-739-43-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. You might get your call played on the Old Harland Highway. All right. Let's keep moving on. We've got stuff to cover here.

Come on. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay. You're ready for a headline you don't hear every day? How about this one?

You ready? All-girl Japanese band attacked with Saw. Oh, boy. We thought we had it bad here in the U.S. where people, you know, come at you with guns. How about this, Japan's hugely popular female pop group, AKB48? And doesn't that actually sound like some kind of military-issue rifle, an AKB-48? Yes, and then the boys, give them a couple of them AKB-48.

No, we're going to spray down that whole area, clean it up. So anyways, this all-female prop group canceled events Monday, after a saw-wielding man attacked the band, shocking the nation and raising questions over security. Two of the band members suffered hand-and-head injuries, or as I like to call them, saw marks. Oh, God. And also a male staffer who tried to stop the attack at a fan event in Japan.

Good Lord, this all happened in front of a huge, crowd and this is a huge band in Japan they're like teen idols over there um and i guess they were given like a little mini concert and they're doing a handshaking and cd ceremony and uh this guy this uh this guy stepped for it as soon as the handshaking started a man took a foldable saw from his jacket who has a foldable saw If you're a lumberjack That's probably sacrilege You're telling me what man

You got a foldable saw Oh hell no You get the hell out of my forest right now Because this is man's work We cut down trees with full on saws We don't cut down trees No foldable saw What is that a lawn chair or something

So he pulled out his foldable saw From his jacket And went after the two women Are standing You know at this event police arrested Satura Umeda, which is also the sushi restaurant I go to, strange, a 24-year-old unemployed man who is now on suspicion of attempted murder. Oh, boy.

He told the investigators that he was not an AKB48 fan and just wanted to commit random murder. Oh, God. I'm sure this guy's not American. This sounds suspiciously like an American. And I know that's a sorry statement on our society, but, I mean, when you hear these stories, don't you in your head go, wait a minute. Some guy just goes nuts and starts killing and running around and trying to. Come on, that's only Americans who do that.

And it kind of is. I mean, other people do it, but we got the record, man. It's sad. But I guess that's what happens in countries when you don't have guns. Like, at least with a gun, you pull it out, you shoot someone, it's over. How are you supposed to deal with a guy that comes at you with a saw? I mean, it's not like a bullet boom, you're down, you're dead, you're already on your way to heaven for margaritas.

You've got to lay there. Well, some guy holds you down and saws you like a log. Have you ever seen a log in half? It takes a while. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Well, there's my leg. Oh, you hold steel. I still got to chop your other leg off.

Okay, you got both my legs. Can I die now? No, I got to chop your arm off. Okay, you get... No, no, now I'm going to saw your head rate off. I mean, how long does it take to be sawed to death? Who is this guy the Japanese Frankenstein? Good Lord.

Or Frankenstein? So, yeah, pretty crazy. It's not the type of thing you hear about in Japan or even in America. I don't know, has there been someone who attacked somebody with a saw? You'd think maybe at one of these hillbilly festivals or a strawberry festival or a lumberjack event. I mean, somebody's probably gone ballistic at some point. I mean, if that happened in the States, it'd be like, can you mention this headline? Britney Spears attacked by a guy with folding saw.

No, no, no. That's not good enough for America, man. There ain't no saws here. That's low rent. That's low rent murder. Not in America. You don't get that. So, hey, outside of kind of the goofiness of it, I certainly hope the girls are all right.

It sounds like nobody died. And shame on the friggin' moron who did it. Now, this is a case where, you know how in the old days when people went to jail, they had to do forced labor, they had to grow out on a chain gang and cut grass and pick garbage and paint city streets. This guy would be ideal for that, forced labor, right? Can you imagine the parkland he could clear? Can you imagine the firewood he could provide?

All right, time to get up, hoochishama. Time to do your sawing. How many cords of wood you can come up with with a life sentence for saw murder? So there you go. That's it. And, hey, that actually brings us to the end of the show. We got to end on kind of a creepy note. But there you go.

So what do we got? Before we go, let's talk about a few things. As I mentioned earlier in the show, I am going to be in Ireland at the Kilkenny Cats Laugh comedy festival, Thursday, May 29th, through to Sunday, June 1st. Now, I don't know how many of you listen over in Ireland or the UK, but if you do, come up and see me, damn it. Don't be such a, don't be such a pent-to-a-star.

Come up and see me. I certainly hope I don't bump into crink. Mickey McRingles over there. Remember, you know that goofy leprechaun that stops in at my show here and there? I better not run into that guy. But, or if you're, if you're a tourist and you happen to be motoring around in Ireland, drop in and see the old man at the Kilkenny. Kilkenny is the name of the town.

Cats Laugh Comedy Festival. And also check out Harlan Williams.com. Go to our store. You can buy merchandise. You can join my YouTube channel And you can see all my latest wacky videos for free And if you want to write to me, I'm at harlornwilliams.com You can click on the link at my homepage

Or if you want to call and leave a message like these other pavement pounders did 323-739-4330 That's 323-739 43-30 So check us out Check out all things comedy, which is also a podcast network with some real funny guys that you can find my show on as well. Bill Burr and Al Magigal are on that site. A lot of other funny people.

So check it out. And that's it. I'm off to Splash in the Sea on the coast of France. What are you doing? Until next time. Chicken. Chao-Me. Baby!

Here, the commandant. Always very much. Partine, come to see this sky, blue. Look, look. Magnific, you're all right? Hi there! Ho! Are you here?

Are you here? He doesn't speak! It doesn't speak! What's here? Oh my Godiard! Get here! Do you have driven? Oh, give me back.

What's that? What's that you're doing? What's that? What's that? What's that? What that? Marie? Marie?

Audrey? Madam? As soon. H-U-L-O-T, U-L-O-T, U-L-T, U-L-T, U-L-O-T. Emery? Hurry? Hurry up! Just meep!

I'm sorry! Please! Please! Please! Hello. Hello. Hello. Ah, see.

Thank you. Thank you.