The Harland Highway - 580 - Harland appears on Pete Holmes podcast, You Made It Weird PART 1

Episode Date: June 2, 2014

Harland was a guest on another podcast and shares the first part of the interview. Bless my Bilbo Baggins!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did it do, da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-da-ha-ha-ha. Woo! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo! Okay, this isn't this 1980s cop show. I tried to sing some kind of cop-show theme.

Didn't work. Loser. Fail. Giant fail. So, anyways, welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. although after today's show, you're going to be wondering, is it really the Harland Highway? Let me explain. Have you heard of hijackings? Like, people get on a plane and they hijack it or they come and deer it. They take over. Well, in this episode of the Harlan Highway, it's really not the Harland Highway.

I was a guest on another person's podcast. I won't tell you who until we get to the other side of the intro here. and we had a really fun time, a really great time, and I thought, you know, for those of you that missed this interview with this other podcast gentlemen, I think it would be only fair to let you in on the fun and the conversation and the talk. We had some really good laughs. We had some really good in-depth conversations,

and maybe it gives you a chance to see a little bit of a different side of me. Let's do it. This is the impostered Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week, Chris Moore

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice, steak

Fish? Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. If you get the wrong week, question if you do. Or is it the Harland Highway, technically? Uh-oh. Wait, what does that mean? Okay, so check it out. Today's show is a special show, and you're listening to the Harlan Highway, but you're not listening to the Harland Highway.

And let me explain from time to time I get invited on to other podcasts with different podcast hosts and formats and yada yada. And I get asked to sit down and I go through the interview or the

questioning or whatever's going on there. And, you know, I don't really ever mention them because I don't ever really know when they're going up on the air, you know, a lot of podcasts they record, but then they don't post things till a week later or three weeks later, whatever. So I never really find out about them. And so a lot of them I've never even heard. In fact, I think all of them I've never even

heard. But there's one in particular that I did with Pete Holmes, who's a very funny comedian who has, I think he has a show that comes on after Conan now. He's a talk show on. Um, on TBS and he asked me to come on his show called You Made It Weird and I guess it resonated with a lot of people because a lot of people have written to me here at the Harlan Highway and said, oh my gosh, I really loved you on Pete Holmes podcast. And I thought, well, really, it's just a reverse interview. You know, when I have guests on my show, I interview them. And in this instance, the interview gets turned around and I'm the one getting interviewed.

And so I thought, why not hijack that podcast, since I'm the guest, and I'm 50% of the podcast that day. It's Pete interviewing me and me answering Pete. And I thought, and I don't think he'd mind. It's probably free publicity for Pete, and I'm sure he's proud of his work, and I've heard nothing but great things about this interview. So it's a win-win, and I'm hijacking Pete Holmes podcast for you guys here today, so that if you didn't hear it out there in the podcast universe,

you can hear it here. And you can see what it sounds like for me to be, you know, wearing the shoes on the other feet. That didn't make sense. If I... You can hear what it sounds like for me to be on the other side of the microphone.

How's that? And, you know, it's a different type of show than mine. You know, you know my show. You listen to my show. this one's more of a straightforward interview. Pete did a good job. Like I said, people really enjoyed it. And so I thought, why not do something a little different today

and let you guys hear your host, me, Harlem Williams, being interviewed on another podcast. So it was quite a long podcast. It was two hours long. So what I've done is I've broken it up into four segments. And I won't play them all back to back, but what I'll do is I'll kind of dole them out over the next week or so, and sprinkle them in, and you can hear me and Pete talking on You Made It Weird.

So when you hear the intro to another podcast within this podcast, don't get freaked out. Don't think you're going insane. It's just a little cut and paste, and this is yours truly being interviewed on Pete Holmes podcast. You Made It Weird. And, uh, you know, I hope you guys, uh, you guys enjoy it. Here we go. Take it away. Pete Holmes.

Now entering nerdist.com. You made weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird.

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's up, weirdos? I, I'm thrilled that Harlan Williams came in. and made it weird. And I honestly can't think of a more ideal guest, somebody that was just incredibly willing and ready to just dive right in. And this is somebody that I only know from the stand-up scene. We do shows together, you know, maybe once a month I'll see him.

And he came into the studio, and he was just exactly what we want out of the show, just ready to go, open, honest, and very, very funny. So let's not waste any time. All right, Harlan Williams, everybody. is there a smell in here it's becoming like my house i don't think well that's the thing is i don't think there's a thing is i don't think there's a smell oh no there's no smell no it reeks of old comic books that's that's a good smell that musty yeah it's a like in uh fahrenheit 451 where they're burning all those books,

and then he writes about how good a book smells. Yeah. I don't know any humans that didn't smell their copy of Fahrenheit for if you want in that moment. That's right. You have to sniff it. You do have to sniff it. But I am with Dave Rath. You know Dave Rath?

Oh, yeah. I love Dave. I almost texted him to see what, I don't know. I didn't want to get any. I feel like you're not the kind of person I need to get a scoop on. No, just the only scoop you need on Dave is that he's funny. He's really that funny one. Oh, yeah, but I was going to use him to get a scoop on you.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, well. Isn't that weird, though, what you said about Dave? Is that, um, I think that's why, in fact, I know that's why he's my manager. I don't know, I don't understand how you can have an unfuny comedy man, like a manager, yeah. Yeah, no, it helps when they're funnier. It's almost hard when they're funnier. Like, he's funnier than me.

That's why I couldn't have him, because anything I went out for, he would end up getting. you went out for funny people yeah it was just a waste of my time like every sitcom I went out for that he set up he got the part he got the movie roll I had to sue him to get the role and dumb and dumber that was him and he wasn't even managing me

so that's even weirder damn you D.R David Rapp D.R. Troublemaker Send him to the Dominican Republic Yeah that's the DR yeah thank you Thank you.

Comedy courtesy. What was I going to... He just made me think of something. Who's your manager? Chris, Chris Fenton. I don't know anybody. I don't know why he asked. Yeah, I know.

I don't even know him. We met through a website. He's like a Russian... He's a Russian manager. No. Yeah, we've never met. We've been emailing. And he wants to marry me to.

He wants to move over here. He can't. Oh, my God. Because of the papers. Unabomber. Most of the people that work at the comic workshop look like they're scheming some sort of plot. It leaves a box at the door and runs away. That's never...

Who's that for? Son of a bitch. I like getting gifts. You do? Yeah. Do you like getting gifts? I love it. Did you...

Anything today or... Do I have anything for you? Yeah. Oh, you're searching the park. You got my car. A car. Wow. Well, let's see.

What kind is it before I accept this? It's a golf. you know I always did like walking my doctor says the more I walk the better your boy needs plentiful fresh air so there will be blood

reference have you seen that movie there will be blood yeah I will drink your milkshake yeah I I think Baskin Robbins missed a cross over yeah yeah I will drink your milk shake yeah Baskin Robbins

I will make you a milkshake with, you know, and you're spittling and... It's H.W. Plain. It's vanilla. Yeah. That's his name. H.W. Plainview. Oh, his name is Daniel Plainview. Oh, was it in the movie? Yeah, Daniel Plainview.

Oh, my God. That was an intense movie. It's my favorite movie. Do you... Oh, it is. You're... Isn't that weird? Because it's an intense kind of darker movie. But you're like a goof. You know, give me your goddamn car.

I'm going to take it and just leave it in the driveway and never drive. But you're going to walk everywhere. I haven't been called a goof since yesterday. How dare you? I just mean you're a goop. That's part A. Part B is, do you have a taste for darker things? Like, because you're goofy.

Yeah. So we have a surplus. We have those silos filled with goof. Yeah, yeah. So we're not wanting for silliness or fun. Yeah. We do it quite a bit. I mean, we can always use some more.

Of course. But then when you get home, are you unwinding with, you know, the departed or something? Um, you know, I'll watch me a good, uh, The Walking Dead. Okay. Again, because I like to walk everywhere, so I can relate. If you look closely, you can see me driving by in a golf. Yeah. Oh my God, you're the only car driving outside of them.

I wondered who that was. I said, there goes one smart zombie, but it turns out it's you. Just doing donuts, burning fuel. I got plenty. Wow. You got lots. You got lots. Do you love zombie?

Uh, because it's Pat and Oswald. I think, right? That had the great question, which was, if you like zombie fantasies, if you fantasize about being in a zombie scenario, you tend to be more community-minded, whereas if you fantasize that you're in a post-apocalyptic world, you're more of a loner. I'm more of the loner. So do you like the apocalyptic stuff as well? Oh, yeah, love it.

Yes? I love it. I do, too. And zombies mystify me, because I would think that the suicide rate in zombies would be a lot higher than it is. I mean, basically you wake up every day and you go, oh, man, I got nothing to live for. I'm dead. I'm going to kill myself.

And then you try and you can't. You sit in a garage with your car running. And after about 12 hours, you're like, holy shit, did I just run out of gas? What the hell? Oh, man. You have to blow yourself up. You got to do something. It's tough to

kill yourself when you're dead. Poor little zombies. I just want to hug them and cover them with cinnamon. It wouldn't stick. Yeah, and it would probably smell better, too. Would you mind just sprinkling a little cinnamon on there, Gorgar? The Stefan Urcal of the zombie world just splashing his face with cinnamon. He's like, have some respect.

Yeah. Some self-respect. If you're going to die, die nicely stinky. I believe the Egyptians used to sprinkle their dead with cinnamon. Oh, is that right? No. Doesn't it sound real, though? It does.

That's got to be real. I know they used to find mummies with watermelon seeds in them. No. Yeah, which I always found odd because usually they're out in the middle of the desert, and I've never seen a nice ripe watermelon. What were they eating? Well, he goes, watermelon. They're very thin people.

That's where that watermelon diet started with the pharaohs. Are you kidding? There's a watermelon diet? Yeah, and what they do is they climb to the top of the pyramids, cracked the watermelon, and it would evenly cut it four quarters. would slide down each side. Perfect. All the slaves waiting at the bottom.

It's worth it for the watermelon. A beautiful wedge just slid right into their callous stone-moving hands. Are you okay? I'm not okay. It's like the SARS is with us on the interview today. There's like four microphone, me, you, and SARS, waiting for this one to fill in with Kenomi or something. Good night.

I don't know what happened. When I laughed for them, I cough, I don't know why. Wow. It could be SARS. It could be. Egypt was such a, was such a flourishing land. I feel like there's nothing you could tell me about Egypt and I wouldn't believe it. You know what I mean?

Oh, really? Because it's always like, did you know they had plumbing? And you're like, oh. Or did you like they had. Well, they did. I know. They had irrigation systems. Because aliens taught them how to do it.

Well, that's, like you said, you'll believe anything. So you can convince yourself if you want. I won't say it. You seem like the sort of person. You're a real goof. You seem like the kind of person that would believe, like, I'm open to it. Yeah. Okay.

I forget who explained it this way, but I'm sure it was an online video without, you know, sources cited. Yeah. But some guy was talking about we're just a bunch of Neanderthals and we're idiots. And then, like, kind of in the blink of an evolutionary eye, suddenly we're growing crops and architecture and irrigation and all that sort of stuff. Right. So if you watch shows like ancient aliens, they'll be like, that's when. You know, they'll write about God's coming and teaching them things and manipulating their DNA and stuff. I don't know why I feel like that would be up your alley.

It's up my alley. No, it's way up my alley. Real deep. Real deep in the crevasse, yeah. No, I'm open to that stuff, too. I find it interesting that I believe in evolution. Sure. But I also, you know, go from the leap where they say, you know, primates, chimps, gorillas are our closest relatives.

Right. and on a good day they can shove a twig down a termite mound and we've got the internet you know what i mean it's like there's a huge leap there i think i'm with you like someone came down and and fucking shaved us and taught us science you know what i mean something happened something it's a good day when you get the stick in the termite oh like that's a good the rest of the day they're pulling grapes out of their purple ass cheeks. You know, it's ridiculous. That's a story for them.

The day the twig went in. Yeah, oh, yeah. Remember that day? But they can't talk because they're fucking dummies. And we have the internet that's so perfectly put. Well, we have so, we are so far beyond our nearest relative. And it's like, you know, you got to figure the chimps and the gorillas were around when, you know, Neanderthal man was around. homo erectus and all that stuff.

Right. And they've been grooving along right beside us, living in the jungles, but yet they still got the twig and they still got the termites. You think one of them would have at least come up with a calculator, you know, something, some basic form of... The calculator watch? Yes, something.

I mean, it ain't the internet, but... They should be in the 80s. They should be... Right, they're like our retarded sisters who are a little bit behind. they should be watching like a chimpanzee back to the future right something slap bracelets something they got hypercolor shirts something they're doing the same shit they're doing the same shit yet we went from when i was born we were watching black and white tv and now we're uh you know we can watch tv on our cell phones right yes so why haven't the chimps upgraded what have they done

yeah well they ain't done nothing and you know and it's like every comedian making fun of Amish people or deaf people or whatever. It's like, don't worry, they can't hear us. They can't do shit, these w chimps. Well, even if you want to go to that denomination, not denominator, what's the word? Are we talking about fractions because then it is denominator? Denominator, yeah. Somehow I'm thinking Arnold Schwarzenegger in a dress.

The denominator. But, you know, even if you go to the Amish, I mean, those bearded sons, the bitches can put up a barn in half a day. A chimps still, just the twig and some lima bugs. You know what I mean? The Amish are, like, so super evolved with the least evolved things. Exactly. They're kicking some ass.

Right. They have the internet version of wood. Yeah, thank you. And stoves. Stoves. They got a stove like that, man. They can boil a turnip. And grow their own turnip, and they can trim their beards so that they're square

shaped the way they are. I mean, it's unbelievable. They got shears somewhere. I heard, and it kind of broke my heart, that Amish people, there's some Amish people that, like, secretly, like, watch the Super Bowl and the barn and stuff, like, have little technology areas. There has to be. But I want to believe that they're doing it. Like, it makes me sad to think that they're not doing that.

But in a way, it makes me sad if they are doing it, because it's, like, it'd be nice to have, like, a pure part of society that's not tainted by all the kind of crap and noise that we deal with. Right. Like, when you think of it, the Super Bowl. just a bunch of goons. Oh, see, I was agreeing with you. I think it's sad that they are watching the Super Bowl. Yeah, I'm misinterpreted. I want them to be churning butter.

I really do. If you want to watch the Super Bowl, and here's where a worst comedian would say Jebeda or whatever, insert homage name. But if you want to leave the township, I'm assuming it's a township. Because you're right. We're suffocating in noise. Somebody tweeted, it was Kat Dennings, because I find her very attractive, and she has an Instagram and she Instagram someone at the Grammy's holding up a thing that says the lust industry

earns billions polluting your soul or something like that. I was like, yeah. Yeah, it does. Yes, they do. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fucking hey, man. I mean, like, I look, I'm the worst defender. We're doing a podcast that I guess you could, I'm sure some people would say this is contributing to the problem. I'd like to think it's something. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better. sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Better than that. But then like toddlers and tiaras or some garbage show or whatever. I don't even though we're both in show business, you see all this noise, you see the society and we're just like, what are we doing? Yeah. It's just, it's all a bunch of fudge spinning around in the fudge machine, you know?

There's a centrifuge You just fainted such a perfect picture of a shit-shaped fudge piece Really spinning It comes down to It's like we're part of this parasitical You know species called humans And it's like you can reject it And go live in the woods

And hate people Or you can go, you know what I didn't choose this fate I was born into this My parents got it on at the motel 6 one night here I am. If I have to be a human, if I have to blend into the $7 billion, I might as well do something with it.

I might as well contribute based on the parameters of the society we've created. And it's all an illusion. I mean, it's all buildings and Internet. It's all crap that, you know, I always say that any other species on the planet would step over 10 bricks of gold to, you know, get to a pile of carrion. Yes, yes, yes. We're the only ones that put value on all this. crowd right it's all it's all make-believe it's all make-believe it's all an illusion date yeah

ego yeah I'm Peter your Harlan yeah it's all fake yeah it's all fake yeah it's all fake it's like it's like it's like I think it's like your bank account like people work their whole life to build up their bank account but think about it what is your bank account it's nothing it's someone's telling you that you've got six digits you've got six numbers yes you've got you've got two hundred thousand dollars you never see it You never touch it. Right. They just tell you it's in, you go, oh, it's there.

Yes. If I go in that building, I've got 200,000 things in there. Just a high score in a video game that's going to get unplugged. Right. And the day the lights go out, man, you know, I'm going to, I shouldn't have been mocking the monkeys with the sticks, but I better learn that trick because the day the lights go out. Oh, you mean the apocalypse. Well, whether it's the apocalypse or just the power goes out because some guy working there,

pulls a Homer Simpson and drops his clog in the system. Yes, yes. You will see humans revert back to their primal state of being, like, almost within a week. Well, isn't that what all this is about is rejecting our primal state of being? Like, a three-piece suit makes it really difficult to fuck somebody at work. You know what you mean? There's more to remove. Not if you have a fly.

Have you ever worked in an office guy? I mean, good Lord, you just zip down your fly, bend them over the Xerox. It's real easy. Wow. Wow, dead end. We just hit a dead end right there. No, no, no. Do you wear, like, flyless pants?

What kind of trousers do you wear, like, matri-D shorts or something? You've got to have a cumber bun that slipped down and you can't get it out. I have a Chastity belt of metal underwear. God bless you. Wow. Okay, let's just say pants then. Underpants are one step removed from fucking somebody. then pants are two steps now we got fly and and you're you're leaving out the very difficult

moving the underwear down to you snap it under well they have a flap in them underpants have opening never use the flap on my underwear never not once you dude are you a virgin just tell what's what are you trying to tell me look not all of us have sex through two flies yeah the underwear fly is a joke fly the flap is too overlaid have you never seen a glory hole some people have sex through a wall, a brick or plaster wall. I have seen them in film. Okay, so pants are not

a problem. There are cultures that do it through a sheet. I think there's a sect of the Jewish religion where they have to cut a hole in a sheet. It looks like a, like, they're getting having sex through a ghost. It's like, it's crazy. With similar noises.

It's like a ghost with one eye. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Woo. And chains. Sometimes there's chains. Sometimes there's chains. Yeah, and if you do it harder,

sometimes there's a Halloween treat on the sheets when you're done. I don't know what that means. You shoot a milky way. Yeah, someone's got a bowel problem. God. Good Lord. I don't know. I don't know. Dude, ghost shit.

What are marshmallows? I don't know. What are the marshmallows? That would be such a funny ghost hunters. They find a file of marshmallows. There's a scared ghost nearby. Yeah. This is ghost shit.

And then they roast them and eat them. That's what we've been doing. That's the big joke of the ghost community is playing on us. This ghost shit's real good if you brown it up a little. Make it more like ours. Oh, God. My point was, we were talking about how this is all bullshit, which I'm very interested in. The bank account thing is very interesting.

But I was trying to say, let's not go back to clothes. I'm just saying even clothes are just kind of like bullshit. Yeah. Job is bullshit. Day of the week is bullshit. It's all bullshit. But we're so afraid, I think. That's why we don't like things, like, looking at, like, National Geographic or, like,

primal peoples who are, not our closest ancestors, who are us. Yeah. If you look at, like, the few remaining tribes of, like, Bushman sort of style stuff, it's uncomfortable to people, like, thinking about us with our fancy souls and, like, our advanced brains, living in the jungle. You know what I mean? But we were doing that. See, on the opposite, I think it's beautiful.

Really? I love. When you're talking about the Bushmen that do the clicking noises, even their language is primal. Right, right. And the Aboriginal people in Australia that are, you know, there's very few pure ones that still exist. But you're talking about cultures that see life and see a soul in everything, from a rock to a twig to everything has me. They're very spiritual. Those are real humans with me. To me, they're part of the ecosystem. Beautiful, yes. So to me, I love those people. I'm jealous of those people, but I wasn't born into that,

and we've been spoiled by all the easy things we have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think, you know, I'm with you when I look at it. Certainly, I do see the discomfort, and I understand the homogenizing that we've done with putting up a huge sky, Times Square. I'm thinking of Times Square. Yeah.

In Times Square, I'm not in the jungle. You know, it's a concrete jungle. Yeah. I'm just saying, wow. What was that character you used to do? That was you. Hating the joke that my brain wanted me. to do it. I told him no, but we

compromise. I'll say it in a stupid voice and he said, okay. By the way, just can I interject for a sec? Just for fans out there, Tim Allen's concrete jungle just came out on Blu-ray yesterday. So anyways, back to you. Is that real? No.

Like I'd know about a Tim Allen movie. Good night Nulli Frittato. I'm with you. In fact, no, I'd like to say, one better, is that you convinced me because I like what you're saying better than what I was saying. I was saying

I see Bushman. That sounds like a slur, but no, that's pure. They live in the bush and they're a man. See, that's how sensitive people are nowadays. That's what they are. They're Bushmen. Right, but China man. Well, they live in China and they're man. I've gotten in trouble

before. You have. Now I'm teasing but that's a slurge. Is it really? Chinaman? China man is a slur? He's two Chinamen. Yeah, sure. You know what I find funny is when whenever you do anything Chinese now, like if I talk like this, like a China man, I'm going to get in trouble.

But if I talk like a British man and I do his accent, I'm not going to get in any trouble at all. Can I tell you something? I can't believe you're saying this. I have a bit. It's a new bit where I go I know it's a stereotype, but at some point recently a French person has gone

ah ha ha ha, right? Of course. That's what I do. And I play with that for a little bit. Yeah. Second part, I go, and a Japanese person recently has gone, Oh, soul. Yeah. Never laugh. They laugh.

Really. And then the bit has now become me being like, you won't laugh. I knew you weren't going to laugh at the Japanese. Ah, so means I see. It's Japanese. Yeah. It does happen. Right.

It's a stereotype. And it's a stereotype because a lot of Japanese people were saying that. And for some reason, that's what we picked up on. And it became a negative thing or whatever. But it is happening. But because, I think it's because I don't have straight black hair. I'm not Asian looking. You know what I mean?

Like, if I looked even half Asian, I think it would be okay. You look like you could be British, but you don't look like you could be Chinese. Yeah, yeah. It's weird. I did a movie called Rocket Man back in like the mid-90s, and there's a scene where I'm on live TV from my spaceship reporting back to Earth. Yes. And there's a scene where I go into a song where I'm singing,

I got the whole world in my hands, and I can see the planet down there, and I start going into all these accents. I go into like a Dutch accent, a British accent, a French accent, a German accent. And when I did the Chinese voice, the executives say, oh, you can't do that one. And I said, why not? And they go, well, it's probably racist. And I said, no, what's the difference between me doing a Chinese voice and not doing a redneck from down south? It's just, and so I fought them on it, and they left it in the movie.

But it was amazing that they singled the Chinese thing out. I don't get it. Right. Yeah. Is it because back in the day, I'm getting this from the movie Dragon, the Bruce Lee story, where at the beginning of the movie they would show like white guys with like buck teeth and big straw hats acting like there was a, there's like a history of being like, oh, well, yeah, well, if you throw that costume on, that's like going into blackface, you know, like I can sit here and do like a black man boy, like hell no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but if I go into blackface, then that's, that's insulting.

there should be no difference between me doing a black accent and a black guy, like, talking like a white guy, you know, they often do this voice for some reason. Sir, turn down your hip-hop, please. Yeah, it's like, so I don't know what the hang-up is with the Chinese. I'd like to ask them and see if they're insulted, you know? I bet they're not. I bet they're like, yeah, that's our accent when we talk English. Right.

It's actually kind of interesting because I think it's, there's two things that are true. I agree with what you're saying. And also, I've noticed that Asians, I know there are lots of different types of Asian. I'm talking Japanese, Chinese, the big superpowers of the Asian stereotypes. Are the only people that you can kind of make fun of still? Like you can make, in comedy, you can make a joke about it's hack, but you could do ninjas, you could talk about math, you could talk about violins and stuff. You know, that stuff seems to be a little bit more okay. The voice, though, not okay.

Really? I disregard that. I'm going to do that voice every chance I get. Can we talk about, you said something interesting about the voice is great. Aborigine is seeing a soul in everything. Yeah. And I think that's where they're definitely winning. When we do see a soul in a rock or a twig or a bird and in you, and I see you, and we're both being present.

and we're doing a lot of things that are very present. We're hunting, and we're not thinking about tomorrow. We're just thinking about that food that we're going to eat today. So the needle is really on the record, whereas we, I think, live in a culture where everything is soulless. So let's put ourselves in Times Square, and we're looking at all these, their advertisements, basically, which puts us into the future. You go, I would like some Skittles later. You know what I mean?

Or like, I'd like the new Britney Spears album comes out November 15th or whatever. So it's taking us out of the moment sort of stuff. we're not in that place. And I think there is something beautiful and spiritual about what they're doing. Yeah. That we lose. That we gain from, like, you know, mushrooms. Wow, nice.

Yeah. The shrooms. Well, let me ask you this. Maybe, and this is a possibility, maybe people have shifted their focus from, you know, I don't think people on a daily basis think about rocks and twigs, but maybe people have injected a little bit of their souls into their cell phones. And the computers because all these things become very personal now. Yes.

You know, I've literally, you know, I've literally gone out to lunch with my cell phone instead of calling a friend because I want to be with my cell phone. I want to read USA Today. I want to play a game. I want to spend time with my cell phone. So maybe inadvertently we've shifted some of our soul into these belongings. But it's sad because they're not real. They're not part of the earth. that's it's uh it's a synthetic yeah thank you yeah it's we're doing we're getting we're mainlining

a fake type of social but it's better in a lot it feels better like a drug like a synthetic drug it feels better than actually conversing with somebody because you can control it yeah it's a little bit more private you read your your tweets you read your you look at your instagram you look at your Facebook you play a game you read your email it's all very controlled yeah that's true when when i'm talking to you i could offend you i could you know what i mean So, you mean with the word goof in the first minute? No, I'm not offended. I love that word.

No, no, no. I don't think for a word. I love that. That would not at all. Not at all. But you can offend me. I won't care. But like, here's the deal is, like, when I'm talking to you, there's a billion things happening

right now. Like when I said billion, you pulled your head back a little bit and your eyes widen. Babies, when we're babies can read all these different expressions and faces. It's one of the things we're born with. It's really incredible. They know what angry and scared and happy and all these different things look like. That's why it's good to laugh at babies. So I'm reading your face.

Yeah. And every, every, I'm looking at your, I don't want to make you self-conscious, but like, you're holding your water cap bottle. And I'm like, does he have enough water? And is he comfortable? What's the temperature? And how's he most importantly, how does he feel about me? How am I coming across? When I'm on my phone, I don't think about any of that.

Oh, right. There's more control. Got it, got it. I think. So now you have to deal with these reciprocal feelings and emotions and emotions and vibrations. It's intense. By the way, you just, I'll get back to that, but you just sparked an idea.

You know, the billions of dollars we've been spending since 9-11 with this face recognition technology at airports, I think we should, after you said about babies detecting expressions, we should just hang them up on poles and airports and have

them scan the crowd, look for faces. Do any of these babies, are they making the terror face? Yeah. I mean, honestly. Cry if they are. They're all crying. There's terrorists everywhere. Terrorists everywhere.

Lockedown. El Quedas or whatever the hell they're called. Alquitas. Isn't that a new cereal? El Quedas. It's so funny. This guy named Jeff Sienna, who I don't think does comedy anymore, I started with it. We lost him.

He had this joke right around 9-11 where he was like Al-Qaeda sounds like a brand of barbecue sauce. Oh, wow. It's so funny. He's like, delicious al-Qaeda barbecue chips. Oh, yeah. I was like, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't you hate it.

mouth is watering right now. Want me a bag of those. The zesty taste of infidelity. Do they have the ruffled ones? Oh, yeah. Because it cuts up the mouth of the infidel. Oh, God, I love it. Like the teeth of a baleen whale.

Okay, there it is. I'm leaving it hanging at um. Um, because I said Pete's, my interview with Pete was over two hours long. And I just, you know, you guys are used to, me doing i usually do about half an hour to 40 minutes every now and then i'll do an hour but uh i don't want to break you guys out of your attention span because uh you know my my podcast moves kind of quick and fast and and so what we'll do is we'll pick up the conversation uh you

know we'll jump forward a few and uh we'll uh we'll pick up the rest of this interview with pete holmes on you made it weird so i hope you enjoyed it i hope it intrigued you and And if you like Pete's style, Pete's way of podcasting, by all means, go over and subscribe to Pete Holmes' podcast as well, man. This is a kind of a neat experiment for me to let you hear another side of me in the podcast world, but also it's a great way to cross-promote. And who knows, you might dig Pete too. So there you go, gang. I'm going to leave it there.

We'll put some more up coming up in a little bit. A couple episodes from now. We'll finish it off and I hope you dug it. Check out harlornwilliams.com. And you can write me at harlornwilms.com Or you can phone me and leave me a voicemail at 323-739, 433. And you might get your voicemail put on the air. What else?

You can check my stand-up comedy schedule. I've got a lot of gigs coming up in the fall. I might be coming to your town or city, so be there or be the square root of pie. Don't even know what that works out to, but it should be good. And there you go. I hope you enjoyed it,

and tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. And until next time, you know the drill. Chicken. Chaumain, baby? Thank you.