The Harland Highway - 581 - GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in. Nature taking over the city.

Episode Date: June 5, 2014

Pop star, GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in to talk about summer. Is nature taking over the city, and holding your breath can be lethal. Burn a worm!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy, what a show, ladies and gentlemen. Step right up, step right up. Yeah, step right up. Or if you're sitting in your chair at your office or wherever, if you've got wheels on your chair, just roll right up. Welcome to the show. I'm Harlan Williams, your host of the Harlan Highway. I hope you're enjoying summer.

We're just getting going with summer here. Everything's warm and people are swimming and tanning. We are going to be talking. about some crazy stuff today. We're going to be talking about the invasion of animals, animals moving into the cities and seeming to lose their fear of living amongst us now. I think they've figured it out that they can adapt

and they're muscling in on our action. I have a particular story where I kind of tried to use some primitive technology to displace some critters on my property. And wait to you hear that wacky story. Also, I think Roger said somebody's phoning in today to talk about summer, the beginning of summer and all the summer festivities. I'm not sure what he's talking about.

I'll get into it later. And also a wacky story where some idiot held his breath so long. He almost killed people and caused an accident, which is what you might do right now, because this is the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you

It's like I picked the wrong week, Chris Moore I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, quit drink I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight?

Well, we had a choice, steak Fish? Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me.

She's got a thought for Samantha thing to sign. Welcome to the Harland Highway. If you get the wrong week, quick sniff and do. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff.

Okay, here it is. I thought, why not start the show with a crazy? news story. This one made me laugh, man. I think you guys will dig this one. Here's the headline. Teen Holding Breath causes three-car crash in Oregon Tunnel. Okay. I think you're putting the pieces together on your own here. Here it is. A 19-year-old kid told investigators he caused a three-car crash when he fainted while holding his breath as he drove through a tunnel. in Portland, Oregon. Daniel J. Calhoun of Snow Homish, or Snohomish,

which is, I think, where all the characters from Dr. Seuss live in Snow Homish. This kid lived in Snow Homish, Washington. Yeah, right, wink, wink, told investigators he fainted Sunday afternoon while holding his breath in the Highway 26th tunnel near the community of Manning. His car, a 1990 Toyota Camry, drifted across the center line and crashed head on with a Ford Explorer. Both vehicles struck the tunnel walls before a pickup hit the Camry.

Oh, boy. So it looks like nobody was killed, but four people were taken to the hospital. and this kid was cited for reckless driving, three counts of reckless endangerment, and fourth degree assault. Aren't you glad you held your breath? Now you better hold your breath when you see your legal fees, dude. The police say he's not sure why Calhoun was holding his breath,

but some people hold their breath in tunnels as part of a game or superstition. some people do the same when they drive past cemeteries what i've never heard of this have you guys heard of this holding your breath through a tunnel what you don't you don't want to breathe in any uh mole particles um you you're holding your breath past a graveyard why because it stinks or you just don't want to breathe in your relatives um So anyways, this tunnel, it's about 775 feet long. And it looks like a car traveling at the posted speed of 55 miles an hour we would get through the tunnel in about 10 seconds.

And who drives 55? Nobody. So you've got to figure this kid was probably going 60 or maybe faster. Who can't hold their breath for 10 seconds? Watch, I'm going to do it right now. Ready? You're not going to hear anything. for 10 seconds. Ready, here we go.

Boom. I'm not even out of breath. And some of you are probably going, boy, that was the best part of your podcast we've ever heard. And I'm like, don't go there, sister child. Don't do that to me. You know, Harlan, we love your podcast, but we really, really, really, really. really love the part the most when you hold your breath and don't say a damn word that's excellent we really that's our favorite part to listen to actually could you do it again could you pretend your whole podcast is in an underground tunnel and you never say a fucking word don't do that to me i'm here for you so ten seconds you don't even get dizzy you can hold you could have driven back

and forth through that tunnel for half an hour. It's ridiculous. So I wonder what really happened with this kid. Maybe he fell asleep or something after that or, you know, in the tunnel. But anyways, there you go. Guy causes a giant accident holding his breath. I wonder if he farted in his car. I bet that's what it was.

He farted in his car just to. as he's going in the tunnel, he held his breath, and between holding his breath and the toxic fumes from his cabbage roll fart, it knocked him out, and he swerved all over the place. I don't know. I'm grasping it. I know. I'm going to do it. Hold your breath again, Harland.

Here we go. I was it more? Oh, you sons of bitches. Okay, I'm not doing that anymore. If you don't want to listen, just switch the knob. Like you have a knob. Um, Oh, Harlan.

So there you, what? It's Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. What do you mean someone's calling? Who is it? Sorry, I can't hear you. What? Your headphones are something wrong with your mic.

Who is it? Yeah. George Michael. Who? George Michael. Oh, God. Put him on. He says it's important.

Hello. Hello, Arl. And how are you? It's George Michael calling for the United Kingdom of England. The United Kingdom of England, huh? That's what I said, Arles. How are you today? All right, you sound a little lit up, Michael.

It's George Michael, okay? It's not George, and it's. It's not Michael, it's George Michael. All right, I got it. What do you want? You sound drunk. Oh, you know, I want to get it, summer started off, right. You want to what?

I want to get summer started off. What do you mean you want to get it started off? It's the beginning of summer, Ireland. Okay. And I'm having a barbecue, and I want you to come to the United England. United England. You are hammered, Michael. It's George.

Michael. Okay, you got it. You got a wax of your ears over there in the United America. In the what? The United States of America. The United States of America? That's what I said, Howard. The United States of America.

What do you want? I want you to come to my barbecue, Ireland. I'm not coming to your barbecue. I want you to throw another... I want you to throw a weenie on the barbie. A what? I want you to throw a weenie on the Barbie island. What is that?

It's Australian. It's like... It's what Crocodone. Dundee said, he said, I wanted to throw a weenie on the Barbie. Are you saying weenie on the bobby? That's what I said, all right? It's from straight out of crocodile Dundee's mouth. No, it's not. He said throw another shrimp on the Barbie. Yeah, well, at my barbecue, we throw another weenie on the Barbie.

What does that even mean? Well, I've got a friend here named Barbie. Right, right? Did you just slip into an explicit accent, Arlen? No, I didn't. I had a... I've got a cold. Oh, well, anyways, throw a weenie on the bobby. It's what I do at my barbecues, Arland.

You throw a weenie on the bobby. Yes, I got a friend. Right, you said that. And his name is Bobby. Okay. And we throw a weenie on him, if you know what I mean. What are you talking about? Well, I've got a lot of men friends here at me, Barbecue, Arlen.

Okay, that doesn't surprise me. Oh, what's that? You got homophobic, have you? Homophobic, Arlen, you've gone home-or-hobic. No, I haven't gone homophobic, but everyone knows your... Oh, I'm what, Arlen? Go ahead and say it then. Everyone knows you're a homosexual man. Okay, what, you're homophobic?

I'm not homophobic. Sounds to me like you're over, over, Ireland, and the United... I'm not OmaObec in the United... America. Now you got me saying it. Feels good, doesn't it, Arland? No! Well, anyways, I've got a lot of men here, and we're all going to...

to throw a weenie on the barbie, Arland, and we like you to come and throw a nice weenie on the Barbie. I'm not throwing a weenie on the bobby. I'm not coming to your friggin barbecue, George. It's George Farting, Michael,

okay? Why don't you go down to your local farting grocery store, grab a big, fucking cucumber, and shove it up your dirty little fuck? All right, enough. I wasn't finished darling with the cucumber

You're finished I'm not coming to your barbecue To throw a weenie on the bobby Oh what's the matter You can have a little fun You gotta sit Sitting there behind your little microphone Having your little podcast

Everyone else is outside In the sunshine all Are they having a little weenie on the bobby Don't say it like that It's disgusting Having a little weenie on the Bobbi Island. Stop it! Well, look at you or Oma Obeck.

I'm not Oma Obeck. In the United A.O.O.L.N. Williams. Omer Obeck in the United... I'm not... Are we done here? Ohlin, listen. It's summertime. Can't come to the barbecue?

Can we arrange to meet down at the beach and maybe play some voly-boly? Some what? Voli-boly-bole-boly. Voli-boly? Voli? Yes? Bolly. Yes.

Voli-bole. Are you trying to say volleyball? That's what I said, all it. I say it fancy with L-Y on the end. Volley-Bolly. That's what I said. What you got is fighting birdsnest in your fucking ears. You ever heard of fighting Q-tips?

Hey, Arland? In the United States, I'm a matter. They're fighting little sticks. They've got little fucking balls of cotton on you, and you stick them in your fighting ears, and you clean out your fucking birds' nest, Arland. Would you relax, George? It's George fighting, Michael.

Then why don't you go fighting, put on a center-cloth suit? climb up on a fucking roof and stuff your raspberry red ass down a fucking dirty chimney you stupid motherfucker cut it out sorry old and I got carried away

you're damn right this is one of the most vile calls you've ever made oh well excuse me should I put a fucking dress on and do a curtsy for her majesty the fucking queen all right we're done Roger get rid of

I'm not done, Ireland. I want to do a weenie on the Barbie. I want to do a volleyball. You're not doing any of it. Get on, get lost. Look at you, raining on my parade. Raining all over my fat, fucking juicy, fat fuck of a parade. That's what it is. I didn't ask you to call here and invite me to your stuff. Oh, look at you.

Like a botting gray rain cloud blowing. over the fucking horizon line, all full of fucking moisture, raining all over me, fat, fucking chubby ass parade. It's not a fat, fucking chubby ass parade. Nobody says that. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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They say it's raining on my parade. They don't add in the old fat, fucking chubby, cellulite, fucking flubber. All right, goodbye, George. It's George, Michael. I'm going to come over there with a Chinese roasted chicken factory, and I'm going to fucking crinkle it up on your crabgrass, crack, crinkle, crunk funk. Get rid of him. He's fucking

drunk i'm not drunk i'm just about to throw a weedy on the barbie holland hello get him out get him get him off get him off get him off hang up good lord unbelievable that guy needs some serious help okay that's all i'm going to say roger i don't i don't even know what to say to you i've asked you over and over over not to let him call here you keep doing it i just don't know what to do or say let's move along let's move along i think my summer might be ruined already great happens to murgatroyd okay who wants to hear a nature meets technology story this happened to me that this this This involves me and my technology. Check it out.

So up at my house, there's a species of bird that flies around. It's the California state bird, I believe. It's called the mockingbird. And of course, you know, California, Hollywood. Of course, our national bird or our state bird would be, you know, a bird that does impressions. Okay? So it's like the dawn rickles of birds. Of course, even the birds in California are in the entertainment industry.

So mockingbirds are called mockingbirds because what they do is they listen to all the other birds in their environment and they emulate them. They copy them. And so you'll get a mockingbird who can do robin sounds and Blue Jays sounds and Starling sounds. It's got a whole, it's like going to see Don Ruff. Rickles or Frank Calliando do a show. It's just, it's impersonations. And they're very territorial, and they're one of the few birds that likes to get going at about three in the morning. I've talked about this on my podcast way back when, and they get chirpy late at night, and they'll wake you up, and they want to do a late night, early morning

show for you. Hey, how about this for us? How about this for us? really like that one how about this one it's like shut up it's like the performer that won't quit right so uh you know every now and then they fly around and they decide to maybe build a nest on my property and i'm always kind of watching for them because i'm like oh if i ever see those guys build a nest i'm going to it sounds mean but i'm going to destroy the nest before they lay the eggs so you know A bird can go build a new nest. I'm not killing the bird.

But what I am trying to do is stop it from laying eggs so that now there's like, instead of two, you know, impersonators on my property, I got like a flock. It's like I'm at a Vegas at an impersonation convention. Okay? So one day I'm sitting around and all of a sudden I see this, a mockingbird sneak out from behind some. bushes like this big cactus bush and i'm like oh boy i think i know where his nest is and it's low to the ground like this cactus bush is growing out of the ground it's probably about six feet high and this thing i see it crawl right out of the middle i'm like what is a bird doing in the

middle of the cactus bush and i went wait a minute and this bush is like five feet from my house from my living room and i'm like uh oh i think i just found i think you gave yourself away there Mockingbird. Shut up. Shut up. So I go outside. I kind of get up to the bush. I look and sure enough, there's a nest.

This guy is built a nest. And I'm like, yes, there's no eggs in it. There's nothing. It's springtime. It's early summer. I'm going to shut this guy down. There will be no babies. There will be no flock of flocking mocking birds

all over my property keeping me up all night. So I go for the nearest thing to interrupt the flow, and I look over there's my barbecue, and there's like a big fat flipper, you know, a burger flipper, right? So I go, well, that should do the job. So I go over, I grab the burger flipper, okay? I stick it in the nest, like the flippers right in the middle of the nest. This big metal flipper with the handle sticking out.

Like, okay, the bird's going to see that. and go, oh, my God, what is this thing? Is that a giant flipper in my house? Like, imagine if a giant stabbed a hamburger flipper through your roof into your living room. Wouldn't you be like, oh, I think it's time to move. Better load the car. There's a giant with a burger flipper.

He just smashed it through our house. So I put the burger flipper gently in the thing. Like I said, there was no birds in it at the time. There was no babies. There's no eggs. And then I go off back to Vancouver to finish working on my TV show. This was during a hiatus. I had one week off.

And I come back like a month later. And I see the birds like still kind of flying around this cactus. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. There's a flipper in there. And I think, oh, maybe someone took the flipper out. So I go and look. There's my burger flipper. still sticking out of the nest and sitting on top of the burger flipper part,

the flat part, four baby mockingbirds. Just looking at me like, yeah, nice try, asshole. Really nice try with the flipper. It's not going to do it, okay? Maybe a blender or, you know, like a pipe bomb or something, but you think we're going to move because of a burger flipper? asshole. So here's these birds sitting here. The parents are flying around my head waiting to dive bomb me because now there's like an invader at the nest. And now I can't even

pull the flipper back because I'm afraid, hey, I'll disturb the little babies or I'm going to get SARS or something. I mean a bird flu all over my burgers. So now I'm out of burger flipper, and I've got myself a flock of friggin impersonators. Shut up. So that, the technology, it's a simple technology. A burger flippers are simple technology, but it failed. It failed to scare away. You know, that's the thing.

Animals are getting real used to being around. people now. I think the war between nature and society and civilization as kind of like come to an end. I think animals are like, okay, we get it. You know, you pushed us to the edge of our boundary. We got to the perimeter. We got to the tree line and we looked back and we went, you know, we could probably find a lot of hiding spots in that big giant concrete jungle. And there's a lot of parks and you guys made the mistake of planting a lot of trees and bushes in amongst your dwellings you know take away the dwellings and just leave the trees and bushes this looks a lot like the forest to me so i think a lot of critters have just thrown in the towel and they're

like screw it if people can live there's how can we i don't mind the noise and face it there's a lot of birds in cities, right? There's pigeons everywhere. There's mice. There's rats. There's probably a lot of food around for animals. There's cats. There's kittens. There's puppies. I've got like five or six coyotes that run around on my front lawn. I'm in the middle of Hollywood. Guess what they're eating. People's pets. There's a big long menu of pets. What do you want tonight? The Chihuahua, the poodle, the Persian, the Siamese. I mean, there's a lot, there's all kinds of birds. There's cats.

I got a bobcat living out in my front yard. I'm not even joking. I've had herds of deer on my lawn. I had six deer on my lawn this year, including like two baby fawns. They've just thrown in the towel. They're like, wait a minute. Where are the hunters? The hunters are out in the bushes.

The hunters are out in the woods. Guess who lives in the city? The people with the social conscience. The people who are nosy and want to start a movement for everything. The people that want to preserve the rain puddles and save the bushes and eliminate the cigarettes and start to adopt the flowers and adopt the trees. and we're safe in the city. You're not allowed to shoot a gun in the city.

As long as we don't move into the gang neighborhoods. We can live it up out here. What the hell am I slugging it out in the forest for with the wolves and the mountain lions? Hell, oh, hell no. I'll just wander around on people's front yards and eat their... You know what? The grass in the forest is coarse and thick.

and wild it's covered with ticks forest fires guess what the grass here in the city this is like eating off a golf course everyone cuts their lawns and waters it this grass is green and juicy and delicious i don't need i don't need me no forest grass and how about when those forest fires happen oh my god billions of acres how many children have i lost in the forest fire say the

animals you smell you smell the slightest bit of smoke in the city you get 900 fire trucks they got that thing out in three seconds i've decided as an animal it's easier to live in the city thanks people so there you go man i don't know if you have critters around you but i was up at my parents place the other day oh they live in Toronto, just outside of Toronto, and they're in a little gated community where kind of old people live, and I drive in past the guard gate. There's a red fox sitting there. And then my little sister came in from a walk.

She goes, yeah, we just saw a fox and her three cubs laying on the grass by the driveway. I mean, foxes are sly little reclusive, timid creatures. Foxes are nocturnal critters that hunt in the night and wait till there's no movement and break into your chicken coop and eat everything. They don't sit around and lay at the side of the road and watch you drive by with their babies? Bears and mountain lions showing up, deer, bobcats,

raccoons, skunks, possums, I'm telling you, man, the animals are getting wise. They're like, you know what, if these stupid humans are going to come camping in our forests, if I see one more tent, I'm moving my family onto that crescent. This is a family of wolves, okay? Very effeminate wolves, it sounds like. If I see one more family camping in my forest, I swear to God I'm moving my whole family.

down on to 42nd Street right by the Starbucks. There's a nice sewer pipe there. So there you go. It's all changing. The nature's adapting. The critters are adapting. Ooh, scary stuff.

And we have to adapt to the time. Oh, my God, I've been rambling. We're out of time here. Gergel Blurgens and Flurgledurgens. So that's it for today's show. Hey, make sure you check out Harlan Williams.com. Check out our little store there for merchandise. You can write me at Harlan Williams.com, or if you want a phone and leave me a voicemail message,

323-739, 4330, that's 323-739, 43330, any message you want. Join my YouTube channel while you're at the site. Check out my stand-up comedy schedule, and you can't go wrong. I've got a show coming up in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on June 27th. That's a Friday night. It's a one-night only show at the Comedy Festival there in Pittsburgh. You can check out all the particulars on my web page, harlornwilliams.com. Click on the stand-up link and you will be tuned in, man.

Check out all things,com. That is the podcast network where you can find. my show also tell your friends about the harland highway thanks for being here everybody you freaking rock watch out for critters and most of all watch out for george michael uh that's it we got to go until next time chicken chowmaine baby