The Harland Highway - 582 - AUNT RUTHIE at Drive Thru. Harland sings TECHNO

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

Aunt Ruthie calls in during her first trip to a drive thru, Harland sings a crazy raver song with his band the Cousins, the new Google car, and cute phone cases. Sailor the wailor!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I said it four times real quick. Hope I don't turn into Beetlejuice or into God. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, Harlan Williams, the first. There is no second, third, or fourth, so it's Harlan Williams the first. Glad you're here. What a show today.

Oh, my God. It is crazy. Today, I'm going to be unleashing a techno club mix dance song that I record. with my cousin. First time ever been heard. It's out of control. It's, it's offensive. It's not offensive. It's who knows what it is. It's ambiguous. I'm going to be playing that for you later in this show. We're going to be talking about a new type of car. Google is getting ready to unleash a new type of car on the world, which is pretty damn cool. I'm going to be talking about my charming little phone case that attracts a lot of a tax. maybe a little creepy even. And then lastly, I think there's a voicemail. Roger's telling me from my Aunt Ruthie from Rochester, New York. She's 85.

She's always getting lost in her car. I dread listening to her messages because I feel so helpless. She's always in trouble. Oh, I hope she's okay. But we're going to listen to her phone message at the end of the show. So put your seatbelts on. It's going to be wild. But then again, it always is because this is the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week, Chris Moore I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you

You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice, steak Fish? Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.

What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to sign. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quit sniff and blue. Well, I had an interesting sighting the other day.

I was booed around and I saw one of these Google cars that drive around and I guess do all the mapping of the roadway. and it was this kind of it looked like a Lexus or something and it was painted white and it had the Google logo on it and then on the roof there was all these like round things and satellites and laser guns and rocket launchers and Hubble telescopes there's all this stuff sticking off and things were spinning around and radar and you know deep cleaning electric toothbrushes

I don't know what was on this thing. But it's pretty cool. I was like, okay, so this is how they do it. You know, I didn't think they put helmets on people and had them run around with go-pros on their heads. But interesting stuff that Google does, their whole incentive into the automobile world. You know, they're getting ready to,

it looks like launched these. electric-powered self-driving cars that they're going to start testing by the end of the year. And they want to test these compact two-seat vehicles and see how they do. Google's kind of got this mission where they want to re-engineer transportation. And Google, an executive at Google, says, what I'm excited about is how we could change transportation today. If you look at people who are too old, too young or disabled and can't get around, that's a big challenge for them.

Google plans to build 100 to 200 prototypes of this electric driverless car. Cars don't have a steering wheel, brakes, or gas pedal, become equipped with sensors and software designed to help them steer clear of accidents. The driver has a button here. she can push to stop the car in case of emergency, the cars can't go any faster than 25 miles an hour. We took a look from the ground up of what a self-driving car would look like, and I'm a little nervous after reading that, okay?

I mean, folks, we already have a problem with old ladies driving really slow on the road. Do we want them floating around in cars that only go 25 miles an hour? Good Lord, can you imagine? That's like watching a hair clog slowly plug up a drain. A little bit of water trickles through it first, and then it's just clog. Wow. And I don't know. That's a little scary, too.

There's no break. It's just like a stop button. you know it's kind of like uh it's like you're floating around and it's like you ever been on a treadmill and you're on the treadmill and then there's that that big red stop button you're running at the gym and all of a sudden bang you hit it and everything just stops is that what we want 87 year old old ladies going 25 miles an hour oh my goodness there's a chipmunk stop I don't know. I don't know, Google. It's unclear, they say, if Google plans to manufacture the cars themselves

or if it will decide instead to supply the technology to existing car makers. This guy from Google is hopeful regulators will agree that the cars can operate safely without a driver. so far the cars have operated without incident brin said they have two feet of foam on the front and use glass instead of plastic so i don't know you know it's uh it it's probably a smart thing you know at the end of the day when you think of all the people every year that are killed wives husbands children uh and not just people in car accidents but people people walking on sidewalks and innocent bystanders where a car someone falls asleep at the wheel or someone's old and they get mixed up and they drive down a farmer's market and their cars covered with celery, pumpkin, squash,

lettuce, and human carcasses. How often have we heard that story? So maybe just maybe having these cars where, you know, kids aren't racing, people aren't driving drunk, people aren't making miscalculations, people aren't texting and being distracted, people aren't falling asleep at the wheel, all the things that cause many, many deaths, take people out of the prime of their lives.

Maybe this is the way to go. I don't know if you ever saw this movie that Tom Cruise did. It was a Spielberg movie, about, I don't know, eight, nine years ago, called Minority Report. And in that world, it was a futuristic look at the world, and basically there was just these tracks. They looked like freeways that kind of woven and out of the city. But these cars were just kind of,

these driverless cars were just kind of float around on these things. And everything had sensors, so nobody ever bumped into each other. And whenever you needed a car, it just pulled up and you jumped in. No, it didn't seem like anyone really owned a car. It's almost like a ride at a carnival where these cars just are constantly in motion. And you can summon one at any time, and it takes you where you want. The only problem with that is, though, you know, does that spell the end of the road for the road trip?

That road trip where you just want to get off the beaten track and just go do your own thing? Maybe. So we'll keep our eye on this. the driverless car let's hope we segue into pilotless airplanes, because we all want that, right?

Excuse me, stewardess. Could I talk to the pilot for a minute? I'm sorry, there is no pilot. Is there anything I can help you with? Yes, I was wondering, why have we been flying upside down for the last half an hour?

And why are we only eight feet off the ground? Okay There you go Oh I admit I don't know too much about modern times All right let's shift gears here Like summer's swinging into full gear Um

And god I almost hate to do this Okay here's the backstory okay Oh About a year ago Well not even a year ago Probably about eight months ago I was up in Canada at my cousin's studio, okay? He has a music studio.

He's a musician. He's the keyboard player for the bare naked ladies, my cousin Kevin. And we were up at his studio, and I was like, you know, we've always done these great little cheesy love songs together. You've heard them on the podcast from time to time. And I just said to him, I said, dude, hit record i'm going in the studio and he's like what are you doing what are you doing i said i'm i want to do a techno dance song he's like what i said you heard me man i want to try a techno dance

song i got this this beat in my head i got this sound in my head this just turn on the microphone and let me go and uh so he did and uh for some reason i had this lyric in my head called um I want to power pound your face. That's right. I'll say it again. I want to power pound your face. I didn't know what it meant. It just popped into my head.

And I went in the little studio and then I laid down some lyrics and then we came out and we started layering in the music and, you know, we started adding ideas and, oh, man, we had fun. And so sure as hell at the end. to the whole thing. We had this techno song that nobody's heard. We haven't played it to anybody, except like three or four people in my family who were there up there milling about when we did it.

And I'm going to lay it down for you right now. This is my, you know, me and my cousin have a little hobby band called The Cousins. And every now and then we, We do a song, and I play it for you guys. But I've never played a song like this. I want to power pound your face. And it is out there, and it's like you're either going to love it or hate it, but it's probably a good summer song to play out by the barbecue.

Because it'll get the party going, man. But I'll play this song for you now, and then we can talk about it some more at the other side. So put your seatbelt on. and get ready to be power pounded right in the face. You are now under control of the power pound police. I need you to step back, I need you to step away, I need you to step back, so I can power pound your face. Cowlown,

cowlough, cowlown, cowlown, cowlough down, yeah, I'm going to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to down.

I need to step back. I want to prod it. I want to part it. I want to prod it on your face. Trace. Trace. Grace. Grace.

Race. Grace. Race. Grace. Grace. Grace. Race. Power pound

On your face Power pound Power pound Power pound Frase I need you to assume the position, assume the position, assume, assume, assume, assume the position, assume, assume the position, power bound. I want to power pound on your face

I want to power in your face. Back it up your face. I want to power, power, power. To the side, take it down, bring your track on your place, power on your face, power on your face, so position, I want to hold it, I want to hold it, I want to Hey, party on your face, party on your face. Party on your face. Party.

On your race. Party. On your race. Party. On your race. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Wow. Okay, there it is. Power pound your face. I want a party on your face. I'd tell you, man, we had so much fun making this tune. I mean, this was way out of my cousins, like, Wheelhouse. He'd never put a tune like this together before, neither at I.

And we were up all night. I mean, we were up till two, three in the morning, just layering and all the stuff in there. Just like screams and, and, FYI, that girl doing the moaning. I'm not going to say where it came from, who it came from but that's actually a clip of somebody pleasuring themselves um oh god it's all in there and then right at the end for some reason i said brady bunch i don't even know why the engineer and my cousin were like well what's with the brady bunch thing i said i don't know it just felt right

and we left it in and so like I said I don't know what it means it comes across as really sexual and like you know the people that I've heard of which is very few have all said the same thing they well I'm not even going to say

because then you'll get an image in your head and I don't want to do that so I'll let you interpret it the way you will but the people that did hear it were kind of Like, dude, that's like totally sexual, man. And I'm like, when I came up with it, I just, I, that wasn't in my head. I don't know what power pounding is. Power pounding in someone's face, it's ambiguous to me.

I didn't necessarily make it as a sexual thing, although it sounds and feels sexual. But it really, it's not in the dictionary. It's not in any type of written languages. It's a new, unexplainable phenomenon. So there you go. If you enjoyed the song, you know, crank it up at your barbecue or what have you, and dance to that thing and power pound your face, because I want to party on your face.

Brady Bunch, Brady Bunch, Bunch, Bunch, all right, let's move on. I want to get back to something a little simple. here no more partying on your face i want to talk about phone cell phone accessories um now you can buy a lot of cases for your cell phone and i was in a mall one day and uh i saw this goofy little good lord i just power pounded in my face um i found this goofy little phone cover that's it's kind of rubbery it's black but when you flip it over and look at the back of my phone, it's no longer just a phone, but it's a rubber-faced killer whale with big round cartoon eyes

and a big goofy smile and a big pointy nose. Well, it's a round nose and a little pink flower in its hair. And it's the goofiest thing, and I just got it as a goof. I thought, well, what would kind of weird people out? if they saw this thing, you know, a full-grown man walking around with this thing. And believe me, it works, man. I get more comments on this little phone covering I have. I get abused.

I get made fun of. I get, oh, it's so cute. Or I get, what the hell is that? Or I just get, dude, what are you thinking? So the amount of pleasure I've gotten out of this goofy phone case Because I did get it because I knew that it would it would just people would be mystified by it And ask questions and kind of be off put by this goofy phone covering And so I tell people they go, what is that thing?

And I go, it's a killer whale. I said, I don't walk around with a gun, but I need protection. I need something to intimidate people with bad intentions. So I carry Corky. They're like, who's Corky? I go Corky the Killer Whale. That's my phone case. Oh my God, Corky.

That's your phone case has a name? That's his name, Corky? Yes, it's Corky the Killer Whale. Oh, boy, Corky the Killer Whale phone case. I love it. So it's just kind of a goofy thing. it doesn't really fit with, like I said, what a full-grown man would carry around.

And I love it. It just kind of, it's one of those odd little things that breaks up the day, and it kind of like, you know, it's that little unexpected twist as you're going through your day. Everything's kind of black and white, and then you see a full-grown man

with a rubber, quirky, the killer whale phone case. And it becomes a little conversation, piece and a little bit of a mystery, a human mystery. And people who thought I was a numb scholar or a freak already think I'm even more so. So there you go. A little touch of humanity with corky, the killer whale case. And speaking of phones, I don't want to do this, but Roger told me that I have a phone message. that my aunt ruthie called in i don't know where she is if i know her she's probably left me a

really long-winded message that i don't really want to play roger because she's always in trouble she's always stranded she's a little bit rude and but she's very loving and if i don't play her messages she gets very upset and you know we all have an aunt that that's so loving and nice that You just want to make them happy and they're old. So, Roger, let's do it. Let's play. I have no idea how long this is going to be. Let's play Aunt Ruthie's voicemail and get it over with, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

A message on my voicemail from my beloved Aunt Ruthie. Hi, this is Harland. I'm not available right now, so please leave me a message and I will get right back to you. Thanks. Hello. Hello. Hello, Holland. It's your Aunt Ruthie calling, Love. How are you today? It's Aunt Ruthie. I'm calling from Rochester, New York. How are you, Dahl? Listen, I won't talk for very long because I know the long distance calls. It don't cost a fortune. They cost an arm and a leg. And when I say arm and a leg, I'm not talking about your uncle Daniel who was blown up in the war. he did with an arm of the leg, but God bless his little legless soul. Anyways, Angel, I know you're out in the world there in Hollywood, making the movies and the televisions and the dentine commercials and all that stuff that Aunt Ruth is so proud of you for, little Angel. Anyhow, I need you help, Angel.

I've never been to one of these, I think they're called drive-throughs. It's like a drive-thru that they actually let you pull. your car right up into the restaurant. I almost drove right through the restaurant and the lady came out screaming and yelling at me. She's like, you go around, go around. And I started to, I pulled right up to the front door. The grill of my car was right up against the window. And she says, go around. You don't drive through the restaurant. You go through the drive-thru at the side. Well, how was I supposed to know? I'm an 85-year-old lady. I've got my psoriasis acting. I'm and my Verico's Vangel, they look like a fucking octopus is crawling up my leg angel.

So I'm, here I am, oh my goodness, I'm pulling into the side hall, and I'm pulling up to a drive-thru. I'm in the drive-tube the first time ever. Oh, my goodness, I'm pulling up. It looks like there's a menu. It's all lit up. It's a menu. Oh, wait a minute. There's someone talking to me.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh my goodness, Angel, someone's talking to me and I don't see them. Oh my God, it looks like the sign's talking to me. Hello, order to see.

Yes, I'd... Hello, I'd like to order some food, please. Yes, I'd like... Can I get some... I'd like to get a cheeseburger, please? Please. What? I'm sorry.

What are you saying? I don't know. Oh my God, Holland. It sounds like I'm talking to a Chinese person. It sounds like I'm talking to a Chinese person, one of those Chinese Chinamen. Oh my God. What is she saying? I'm so confused.

I'm sorry, what? Can you speak a little clearer, please? I'm 85 years old. I've got fucking hair in my ears. And I know it's the same. not lady like to talk about it, but I've got like a fucking bird's nest in my ears. I'm 85. Hello? Oh my goodness, Holland. I feel like, I hate to say this, honey. But do you remember your little

friend, Michael Stubbs? Do you remember Michael Stubbs from down the street wall? And I know people don't like to use this word, but he was a retard. Do you remember the little retard, Michael Stubbs down the street? His eyes were all separated. like a hammerhead shark. You remember, and his teeth hung out like a fucking gopher or something? I swear that kid shoot through wood at night. I could hear it down the street. Well, remember he couldn't talk so well, Holland?

I think this might be. Hello, Michael Stubb, is that you in there? Hello? What? Okay, I hate to say, but you sound like a retrod. I don't think she understood. I'm just going to order something. I see the menu hollered.

Okay, get a... Can I get a cheeseburger, please? I'm sorry? You can't eat my wife, right, super biggie? Oh, my God. Could you fucking speak American? Is that okay? Are you fucking...

Where are you from? Portugal or something? Christ on a Christmas bun. Can I get someone who's not a fucking illegal immigrant on the fucking the speaker here? Can you hear this bullshit, Holland? And I'm sorry, and Ruthie doesn't like to swear, I'm so sorry. But I'm getting angry.

I'm not sure I know how to do the... Oh, boy, now someone's honking behind me. Excuse me, why I stick my head out the window, Holland. Excuse me? I'm an 85-year-old lady. I'm trying to order a fucking cheeseburger. If you wouldn't mind, thank you, my fucking Barraco's veins look like a fucking... Fucking barks of dewworm spilled out on and crawling up my legs, right to my old dusty, you know what, what?

Oh, stop honking at me. Pervate. Excuse me, could I get French fries? Hello? Hello? I'm sorry, what are you saying? Are you? Have you got a fucking brick in your head?

I want a fucking cheese. burger and I want some fucking french fries double cheese okay i don't is that what did you say double cheese what oh christ allan can you hear this it's like i'm in some kind of like like i got on a plane and I crashed in Greenland for Christ's sake and I can't speak the the fucking Greenlandia lingo or whatever the hell it's called oh my god I'm getting a thyroid pump my thyroid are pulsing like a fucking when you cut a fish open and the heart's still beating my fucking thyroid's right in my groin oh my god my vericose veins i just pulled my dress up a little all under my verico's veins are all puffed up oh my god oh my god it looks like somebody dropped a plate

of marineris spaghetti all over my legs oh my vera it scares it stop walking at me i'm trying to order a Let milkshake over here. I'm 85 years old. Go eat a pile of cow shit, okay? Unbelievable, Holland. And then Ruth is getting upset. Pardon me? I said, please, but drive-thru? I thought I was already in the drive-thru.

I said, too. Please, stupid old shock. Drive-old shock. Are you swearing at me to Don't you swear at me. Stupid old, fuck. Yeah, well, fuck you and your stupid fucking cheeseburger, you're fucking dirty whore.

I'm sorry, y'alland. I didn't mean that. And, hold on. Someone gets... You're just fucking Kai. You do the fucking die to. Fuck it! Oh, is that right?

I said, well, why don't you take your onion rings and step them up your Grecian formula crack haul? I'm an 85-year-old lady. old lady and suck your fucking milkshake okay kneel down and suck your fucking chocolate milkshake yeah you heard me get down on your knees like the drive-through horrid you are and suck a chocolate milkshake and you know what i mean by that missy and stop honking at me i'm an old man son of a bitch all and i'm just driving right out of here i don't i don't even want the fucking food anymore

I'm sorry, what? Oh, I think he said drive-thru, please. Okay, I'll be right there. Hello, I'll be right there. Okay, Holland, it looks like I did it. Oh, my goodness, it's kind of exciting. Oh, my goodness, I think I did it, Holland. Okay, I'm...

Aunt Ruthie's going to run. I've got to go pick up my delicious food. I'm so excited, Holland. I'm sorry I used up so much of your cellular data plans or whatever they are. I'll call you soon, honey. I'm real proud of you. Me and Uncle Harry

will be watching on the television for you, even though you haven't done anything in years. Okay? All right, Angel. We love you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What?

That's a shocking. What's the stupid old? Okay, I'm driving through. Hold your fucking horses. What are you, a fucking dairy farmer? Okay, Angel. Bye, Aunt Ruthie loves you. Stop honking at me. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Roger, I knew... Poor Aunt Ruthie. I apologize for the language, some of the off-color remarks. She's old. She's not politically correct. It's just wrong. Oh, my God. I got a caller. I got to call her. I got in. the show, folks. I've got to call my Aunt Ruthie back. Who knows where she is. Thanks for listening. Don't forget,

check out my website, harlornwilliams.com, where you can write me, harlomwilms.com, or you can leave me a voicemail like Aunt Ruthie did. Oh, God. 323-739, 433.3.3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. I'm so scared.

Check out our web store while you're there. my stand-up comedy schedule. Check out the YouTube channel. You can click on a button there and subscribe for free. All kinds of fun stuff. And don't forget, I am going to be in Pittsburgh doing the comedy festival there on June 27th, Friday, June 27th. That's a one-night-only deal. Go to Harlowyms.com, click on the stand-up link, and you can track it down. It's going to be a blast man um and that's it uh we got to go i got to go find him ruthie uh thanks for being here tell your friends to get on the harland highway until next time chicken chalmy baby