The Harland Highway - 584 - Harland does STAND UP in IRELAND, The future of Iraq.

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

Harland does live stand up in IRELAND at an Irish comedy festival. Also, a war expert phones in to discuss the declining state of affairs in Iraq. Slily old bean machine!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, gang, it's Harlem Williams. This isn't techno-tarsen. No. It's Harlem Williams. How are you? Welcome to the highway, the Harland Highway. This is my podcast, and thank you for being here. What a show we have today.

My goodness, really cool guest on the show today. We're going to be talking to a military figure. We have a call-in from a serious military personnel ranking member of the United States military is going to help us put this whole Iraq thing into perspective. As you know, the country of Iraq is starting to collapse all the good work or bad work, depending on how you look at it, that was done over there to try and help those people live a life of freedom and democracy, is starting to cave in. We're going to get some perspective from someone who was on the ground

in the war arena over there, the theater of war. Also, I'm going to tell you about my trip to Europe, some fun times, Ireland, France, Paris, Rome, and I'm going to play some live stand-up comedy of me from when I was in another country. It's a little different. But then again, so is. this podcast, the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week to quit smoke. I'm funny how. I mean, funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you.

Like I took the wrong week, quit drink. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar. What was it? for dinner tonight well we had a choice steak fish yes yes i remember i had lasagna what do you mean funny funny how am i funny like i picked the wrong week when i'm fit of me she's got a thought for

samantha thing to say welcome to the harland highway get the wrong week question of blue sweet mother of mitra oh what uh what a treat i got to tell you about my road trip out into Europe and boy oh boy what a what a treat what a treat i told you guys uh i guess a few weeks back that i was heading over to the other side of the pond as they call it although i don't really know why they call the uh the vast deep turbulent ocean a pond i mean i get i get it's kind of a catchphrase but it's anything but a pond okay when you have giant whales and sharks living in your liquid environment that ain't no pond now the ocean was full of coy fish okay even giant ones pond but it ain't no pond um so i fly over and uh i land in uh ireland i landed dublin and uh i

end up doing this comedy festival there and uh what a what a great little uh town it's called kill kenny and there's all kinds of comedians there from all over the world and uh it's one of those kind of kind of uh what do you what do you want to call it more of a gorilla style comedy festival like there's no real big giant ballroom it's it's like one day you're doing a show in a hotel ballroom the other day you're doing a show in a you know a little coffee shop then you're doing one in a tent then you're doing one at a bar so there's no big giant theater so to speak but just all these little spots and the festival moves around night by night to different spots and it's a lot of fun man and it's it's difficult because you're adjusting to a different culture the reference points

are not the same. You know, you have to drop out a bunch of your material because they won't get the references, or, you know, your references may be more vague over there. And so what I would try to do, too, is write fresh material just for being in Ireland. So what I thought I would do is, while I was over there, I'd record one of my sets

and bring it back, let you guys hear it. And here it is. You know, the first, like, a little bit of this whole set is all, like, kind of Irish references. And, you know, I was commenting on everything from the, well, I'll let you listen to it. And you can judge for yourself. So here's me going on stage under the name Sarah Silverman, because, you know, I told you that's what I do.

I like to go up by goofy names. So I get introduced to Sarah Silverman from New York. And here's kind of some of my Irish material. What a great, great, wonderful continent it is to be a lot of New York City, Sarah Silverman. What a great, great, wonderful continent it is to be. here on the green green grasses of Ireland here just a wonderful continent that we have and let me tell you how it started for me gang I landed in Dublin over here just to the east you go down I think it's the 78 and whip around past a

Donny Google up the 92 is it to the just past McGuble Jingle, around on the 178, you get pulled right into Dublin there. And I get out off, at the airport, I get off of this Air Conalingis thing. And I'm sitting right near the front of the plane right by the clip on Air Conollinger's. And I decided I'm going to rent a car guy. Never rent a car, sir? Okay. I decided to rent a car instead of taking a cab out here to kill Kearney here

so what I do is I go to the rental place and I said, I'd like to rent a car and the guy says, Oh, Jesus, bye, we only have one car up here, don't you know, by it? And I said, well, if there's one left, I'll take it, you know, it's not like I wanted to rent a few, you know? So I goes, okay, if I had some spotts. ain't over there by, don't you know, thereof I. Grimuth, don't give me a chance

and make a shit during my show. Did nobody go shit today? So I go out to spot 75, and there she is. The last car in the rental church. And I'm like, oh boy, this is exciting. As luck would have it, luck of the non-Irish right here, Sarah Silverman gets the car that's broken, okay? And this is, I know you've rented cars before, sir, I can see it in your tortured eyes. And I get the broken car, sure as hell.

Isn't that always our fear, man? You get the last car, gee, gee, why scratch, scratch your huffed-up temple? Why did I get the last car? Surprise, it's broken. Okay, ma'am? I look in the damn window, some fucking asshole at the manufacturer put the steering wheel on the wrong side. And now my neck's all fucked up because I'm like, I don't want to be a road hazard. So I drive from Dublin all the way to Kilp County here in reverse.

And what an outing it was. I passed through fields of glory, dairy areas, wonderful butter churning communities. And I'm a city girl. I'm from New York. Well, I didn't come here to engage with a pervert, sir. I came here to give the gang, the Chilkarnie gang, if you chuckles.

If you were envisioning me, you know, putting a thing a sandpaper in my hand and jacking you off later that ain't happening, tough God. This guy over here makes to get masturbated with sandpaper. This guy over here. Fucking whistling Jim O'Reilly

over here. Man, if you could sit down, but hope there's no breakfast. Whoops, the daisy, somebody brought a little something back with them. I hope y'all like cauliflower on a rainy Sunday evening, everybody. Because you're all about to get hit by a giant wall of cauliflower stack. So I'm driving backwards from Kielgubloom down to Kvlarney there.

Will Clareney here. And I see things I've never seen as a city girl. I've never seen country folk stuff. And I see cows for the first time in my life, Apple, crisp hair, Willie. I see these cows. I see these other smaller things. And I found out later, man, that they're called sheep. But what I thought they were there, and I thought they were like midget cows of afros. And then God bless each and every one of them. And then God bless each and every one of the a $20 shallelie stick. I'd roll into this magical kingdom here. They call Kill Carney.

And I'm, as an American, I've never felt more at home because the first part of your town has the word kill in it. And I'm thinking, yeah, this stills real American here. Kill? Okay, when someone kills, you don't know what kill is. Wow, I'm just going to move right on and pretend I didn't hear that giant wall of silence happen. So I get into Kilcarnie.

What a magical place, buddy. Castles, rivers, sir. Bridges, man, over here on the side here, bridges. It's just one of the most magical places I've ever seen. I swear yesterday in the moonlight, just in the right moonlight, sir, moonlight, sir. I was walking home, I looked down an alley, and sure as hell, I saw Shrek taking it dumb. Uh, hurlers everywhere you look. I love the hurlers. Everywhere you look, there's a hurler. I saw one in front of the pub right out here last night. There's another guy hurling in the alleyway over here. in the church steps.

What a treat with all the vomit everywhere. It's such a pleasure. You don't have to walk home at night. You can literally take your top off, get a good run going, get down on your stomach, you just slide like an honor. You just slide like an otter all the way to your hotel, gang. The metric system,

not working for me, gang. You know, I'm used to pounds and miles, quarts. I don't know the metric system. I went into a

grocery store yesterday and bought nine kilometers of milk. I did the math yesterday. I walked 7,329,000 millimeters yesterday. I just had my legs amputated.

Who walks that far? This was from here back to my hotel, okay? I'm glad you're not laughing because leg amputation isn't funny. And then lastly, folks, and then I'm going to break into my routine. The plugs, okay, when you plug something to the wall, gang. I mean, these are the biggest goddamn plugs I've ever seen in my life. I had to call a contractor just to plug in the hairdryer.

I needed a permit to plug this giant tree-pronged fucking Freddie Kruger hair dryer into the wall. I was afraid. I pictured I turned on the hairdryer and it was drawing so much power that Paris just went, and everyone was like, Sakai Bluff, Buenessori! Okay, folks, this is a festival. You're supposed to be laughing.

I don't know. You've never been to a festival before. How are you, guy, you're having fun? Well, here's a flu. You might want to fucking laugh. It's a comedy festival, not a... I'm depressed, I'm going to jump off the Kildangy Bridge over here. I went to KFC up here.

You ever been up to KFC, buddy, when you're not busy up in the fields rolling around with fucking lemon oil and hazelnuts all over your fucking twat, huh? This guy right here rolls around in fields covered in hazelnut and on lemon oil. Fucking crazy. I come to do a festival on the other side. I get this fucking knock. I want to know if there's any single guys here tonight.

Any single dudes? Because love seems to be not really working here tonight. Single dudes? Are you single, buddy? How long you've been single, kid? Six months. Six months? How come?

Bad breakup? Yes. What happened, guy? Can you share with the friends? I broke up with him. You broke up with him. her? Liar.

What's the dude? She's three rows behind you. By the way, thanks for being here. I just got the biggest laugh at the night before you. How dare all of you for that? What's that way? That way? Any jokes?

You want some jokes? I'm not here to do jokes. This is a comedy festival, not a joke festival. If I wanted to do jokes, I'd whip out your cock. Okay, so there it is. There it is. There's me. doing the comedy festival thing, and, um, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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Conditions apply. You know, one of the things I tried to do is for the folks there is do some local references and let them know that I'm not just coming over and doing my act that I have in a can. I mean, I shorten this clip down. You know, after this last joke I did, I ended up going into my more, you know, traditional stuff to give them more of a rounded show. But it was kind of a gesture to say, hey, I'm in your town. This is a festival, you know, I'm not just going to do the same old stuff I've been doing.

I'm going to make the effort and write some stuff for you locals, you know. and, you know, it's scary. I mean, that was literally the stuff you heard there was like the first time you, you know, I ever did it. And that's probably why the pacing's a little bit slow. But you know what? I made the effort for the folks. And, you know, it didn't kill, but I had fun doing it.

And it was like kind of a gesture to them to say, hey, I'm acknowledging your town, your culture, your country, your heritage, you know, all this stuff. And I don't know if you caught. I did one joke about hurling. I like the hurling everywhere. Well, hurling is a sport over there. They have a stick.

It looks like a field hockey stick. And they hit what looks like a hardball, an American hardball around. And it's a hugely popular sport. And it's called hurling. And you see tons of the kids walking all over the town in the city with their hurling stick. So I kind of did a spin on hurling the sport versus hurling, people vomiting. and one of the jokes I made was that, you know, there's vomit everywhere and you can slide home on your belly like an otter, which is true.

The streets at night were crazy. I'll play you a clip of that in a future show. But I recorded myself walking home one night, and the streets are filled with drunks. The Irish loved to drink, especially in a small town when there's only like three roads. And everyone's out on a Saturday night getting hammered, and people are puking on the sidewalk, and, oh, it's messy. But it seems good nature.

They have fun. And then right at the end of this clip, there was some guys, some older guy in the front row off to my right, wearing like a cranberry sweater. And he made a comment at the end. He goes, well, I'm waiting for your jokes. And, you know, he tried to heckle me, and I pulled the old, well, if I wanted to do jokes, I'd pull out your cock.

You know, I got a little dirty there. you know when you're when you're up there alone against a room you got a you got to think of anything to be in charge right so i humiliated that guy i shut him down pretty good as you can hear from the crowd and i think he was kind of doing it and fun it didn't sound it didn't look like he was trying to be malicious but uh if he was it's like come on dude i'm i'm doing a set for you you know like i said i took the extra effort to write brand new material for for your town, for your city, and, you know, it's fun for me, too, because it's an experiment, it's hard, it's tense,

it's hard to come up with a lot of brand new jokes like that quickly. And so I felt good about it. You know, like I said, it wasn't killer, but it's kind of a fun exercise in forcing yourself to, you know, stand up in front of a room and be fresh. And as you can hear, I did it right out of the gate. I didn't wait to layer the new material in. I did it like right out of the blocks,

and there were a few horrible quiet patches, but that's the horror, that's the pain of being vulnerable when you do stand-up comedy. So hope you enjoyed that. And, uh, Rod, just play a commercial, and let's get on with some more of the show here. Okay, Mom, which hand has the newest idea on duchess? Wrong.

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douche with no additives. I've always trusted Massengill. Extra mild for me. I choose extra cleansing. Trust Massengill, the leader for 73 years. Okay, well, I've been informed that we have a very special guest on the line today, Roger.

Roger's holding up, yeah, we've got them on line four? Fantastic. Okay, this is important, folks. Very recently in the last days here, the last weeks, the situation in Iraq has been dissolving, all the hard work that was done over 11 years. The whole Iraq war to stabilize that country. The tapestry's coming undone.

The things unfolding at the seams. and it's a bit tragic. It's a bit hard to watch. Terrorist groups are moving in and taking over the country that we worked so hard to try and stabilize. And I guess to give us some perspective, we have a man from the military.

This is a man who's made a career out of being in the military, has had a firsthand look, boots on the ground, a man who's been in the action, in the theater of war, as they say. And let's get to them right now. This should be fascinating to get a look at what's happening in Iraq, and more importantly, where is it all going to go? Okay, so I guess we have Major Tom Dowdy here from Camp Pendlington in Southern California. and let's see if he can give us some perspective on these new developments in Iraq, which are, you know, very unfortunate.

Hello, Major Tom. Yeah, hello. Yeah, now this is Harlan Williams. I'm sorry, sir. Harlan Williams at the Harlan Highway? Affirmative, got that. Thank you, sir. Now, Major Tom.

If I could correct you, it's Lieutenant Colonel, Major. Tom Dowdy. Lieutenant Colonel Major Tom Dowdy? Yes, sir. Admiral, Lieutenant Colonel Major Tom

Dowdy. Lieutenant Colonel Major Tom Downey. Yeah, that's a corporal, Lieutenant, Sergeant Major, you know, you fill in the blank.

Okay. Sir. Well, I don't think this is a laughing. matter, sir, if I may be blunt right out of the gate. Absolutely, Lieutenant Colonel, Captain, Majorette. I'm sorry? Sir, can we just jump right to the problem at hand here?

Well, I don't know why you're... Sir, are you okay? Sir? Hello? Sir, are you laughing? sir no i'm not laughing sir okay i'm clear in my throat i have napal okay i've napalmong i was in vietnam in uh 1961 uh well i was i suffered from napal gas in my uh lung system i'm sorry to hear that sir so if i tap out for a few minutes uh that's just me trying to catch my breath

there sir understood uh corporal thank you sir now let's get to Iraq. Yes, please. Let's get to Iraq. I mean, this is a total collapse of the infrastructure of this Middle Eastern country, is it not? Absolutely, sir. You hit the nail on the head. It is a 100% collapse. It is a 100% reversal of all the U.S. military efforts in that region over the last 11, 12 years. a, let me say it again, sir, a total collapse. It really is. I mean, you know, it looked like there's a little stability in the region. Obama pulls out the last remaining troops.

A giant error, sir. Oh, so you don't agree with President Obama's decision to remove the final troops out of Iraq? Absolutely. That was like pulling the plug in the bottom of a boat in the water. just slowly starts coming in. Can you feel it? I just pulled the plug. Can you feel the water coming in?

You feel that water coming in and rushing over your feet. Here comes the water. Sir, are you okay? Quiet, please. I'm doing it. The water's coming in. Okay, sir, you sound like Darth Vader. I'm sorry, sir. Sir, why is this happening in Iraq? I think our listeners want to know

why the insurgents, the terrorists are coming back into the streets and to the towns and reclaiming this territory. Well, you see, this thing was wrong, wrong, wrong, right out of the gate. Okay, we went into a culture where this culture is defined by a deep, deep history of religion and customs. And we went in there and tried to shake that system up. We try to impose a democratic-American-ized style of life of day-to-day living with a culture that is so entrenched in their methodology, in their way of life, that it was doomed right out of the gate, sir. it was like trying to line up a moose

and the scope your rifle pull the trigger and that bullet just goes right through the moose's head sir are you having some of that napalm breathing stuff yes I am sir I told you I have some issues of my lungs I was in Vietnam

Now, if you want to talk about a war, okay, now that was a war. Well, I think we better just stick with what's happening in Iraq. So we got it that the culture, the culture that they have versus the culture we have, they're just never going to be married together. That's right. They're never, ever going to work, okay? We could go in there a hundred more times and do exactly what we did and give up all kinds of American blood and treasure.

And I'll tell you what, it's just a matter of days, months, weeks, years, before those people get right back to business and falling into line. Okay, you hear me, sir, falling into line. I said, do you hear me, sir? Yes, I, what are you saying? I said, falling into line. Are you saying falling into line? That's what I said. These people falling into line.

Hello? Yes, yes, I hear you saying falling into line. Okay, well, you need to acknowledge me when I say something I need to hear. See, part of being in the military is about communication, okay? And if people don't communicate, that's when a soldier gets hurt, okay? That's when an IUD blows a leg so high into the air that a fucking crow could slam into it in the middle of a cloud. Are you hearing me? Sir, I'd appreciate you not to use the blue language.

I do apologize. Now, let's get back to Iraq. Yeah, what is the solution here now? Because Obama said that he's not going to send in new troops. He's not going to put soldiers on the ground. How does this thing resolve itself? That's where I'm getting at, and this is a tragedy. Okay, this is a real tragedy.

This thing doesn't resolve itself, okay? Mr. Williams, is that your name? Yes, Harlan Williams. Mr. Holland Williams, this thing is like a carousel at a carnival. Have you ever been on one of them there, Merry Go Round. Uh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, the horses? And they go round and round in a circle.

They've got this contraption there. They're called a Merry Go Round. Um, yes. You know what I'm talking about? And around and around she goes. Yes, I excuse me, sir, that you're sounding a little creepy. I told you, I've got napon long, okay? Now, if I need to take a few deep breath...

I know, but it sounds like maybe you're doing it a bit longer on purpose, and it's a little eerie. It's creeping me out, if I may be honest, sir. Well, excuse me for serving my country in Vietnam, sir. Excuse me for wandering through the jungles of napalp, where I got gooks shooting at me one side. I got army ants crawling up my goddamn legs, and I got fucking rice paper bombs going on

under my platoons fucking feet. Now, I'm sorry if I'm breathing a little hard for trying to stand up for your goddamn liberty, son. Okay, look, I'm sorry. Can we just keep moving on with Iraq? Absolutely. How does this thing end? What's the exit strategy?

What's the end game? There is no end game. That's what I'm trying to tell you this thing. keeps going around and around like a merry-go-round, okay? You're going to go around in a circle, and even when that motor burns out

on that merry-go-round, the wind's going to get behind the asses of some of them fucking horses and some of them fucking panda bears and some of them fucking plastic elephants, all them fucking crazy critters that make up a

merry-go-round. And somewhere, somehow, a wind's going to blow out of the east or the west or the north of the south. And that wind's going to get right up the old little furry critters' assholes and start blowing them. And when the wind blows the critter's asses that merry-go-round, starts moving incrementally, very slowly. But then it starts picking up speed, and when the wind starts blowing harder.

That motherfucker. Okay, sir! Okay, I think this is really creeping me out. I'm sorry. You know how many nights I laid awake in the jungle? Okay, with poison scorpions crawling over my chest. And I have to hold my breath, because I can hear seven gooks. crawling through the underbrush, not more than 30 feet away from me.

And I had to paint my face with fucking animal feces, just to blend into the dark earth on the jungle floor. And you're going to give me some lip because you've got some kind of goddamn stupid-ass podcast. Is that what you're telling me? Well, I'll tell you what, citizen. Okay, sir, I think we're done here. I want to thank you for your time. I want to thank you for your service, above and beyond everything else.

And hopefully as this situation in Iraq progresses, maybe we can have you back for more of your very, very unique and interesting perspective. Absolutely. That would be my pleasure. My name's Major Tom, Captain, Lieutenant Corporal, Tom Dowdy, and I am here standing on guard for your country and your liberty, sir. well uh thank you uh major uh corporal lieutenant colonel tom dowdy uh and we wish you all the best and uh we hope to talk to you again sir thank you sir uh god bless america thank you sir

Roger, if you can hang up. Roger, hang up! Good Lord. Do we never get a guest that can just carry on a normal conversation, Roger? Where do you book these people? There's always some kind of demented twist to it. It's very frustrating for me to be the host of a podcast and try to get some kind of serious dialogue going,

and it seems like everyone we tap into is a little bit off. God, I apologize to the pavement pounders, my listeners. I mean, that's a serious topic, this whole Iraq debacle thing. And not to discredit corporal major, staff lieutenant sergeant dowdy but just you know whatever i'm going to leave it there but let's let's let's end the show on that i'm a little flustered hey aye okay well i hope you had a good time folks uh i'm going to give you more updates on my trip to europe i have a lot more stories to tell that was kind of the opening leg that I kind of introduced you to, the Irish angle there.

And then from there I ended up going down to France and Paris and got into some rental car problems that I think you'll find amusing and so on and so forth. So there you go. Let's close the highway up here. Let's put up the roadblocks. shut her down. Let's do a few announcements before I go. If you want to see me do stand-up, it's one of my few summer appearances. I'm going to be at the Pittsburgh Comedy Festival in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on one night only.

It's Friday, June 27th. And what a show we're going to have. It's Brian Callum and a bunch of great comics doing this one big theater show. Just go to Harlan Williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule. you'll see it and get your tickets because from what I hear they are pretty near sold out or getting close and it's still a few weeks out so get in there and grab your tickets if you want to be part of this amazing stand-up show okay okay drugs are bad okay um and then what else uh check out the store harloweems.com merch store we have t-shirts DVDs books artwork work you

name it, it's all stuffed in there. Please go to my YouTube channel. You can subscribe to it for free right at the website at harlan-Williams.com. And every time I put out a new video, you get to see it. You're the first in line.

I just put a new one out last week for my 60-second talk show where I interviewed one of those old-style big-screen televisions. And I believe I believe I have one up there now too an interview with a chocolate bar wrapper which is just very compelling

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323-739 43-30 that's 3-2-3-7-3-9 40-3-30 so there you go man good times thanks for being here tell your friends to get on the highway and until next

time everybody chicken chau-main baby Thank you.