The Harland Highway - 587 - Dead JULIA CHILDS, Listener MAIL BAG, wheatgrass.

Episode Date: June 26, 2014

Dead Julia Childs drops by with a delicious new dish, people who drive with stuff on the roof of their car, listener mail bag, letters from you guys, and experiments with wheatgrass. Muddle my puddle!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Start spreading the news. I'm leaving today. No, I'm not leaving. I'm just getting started. This is the Harlan Highway podcast. Why would I leave, man? We're just getting going, man. Welcome, everybody.

I am Harlan Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway. And what a show we have today. Oh, my God. Dead dude, Julia Childs is coming by to share a fantastic food recipe with us. She'll be by to share with us coming straight out of the graveyard into the studio.

We're going to be talking about driving with stuff on your roof. Let's leave it there, okay? Not on the roof of your house, on the roof of your car. I got a funny story I want to tell you about that. Also, I'm going to be smoking some grass today on the show, okay? Yeah, that's right. I said it. It might be illegal.

I'm smoking some damn grass on the show live. And let's see what happens there. And then also I ask you guys to write into me at harlwilms.com. You have responded. And today we are going to get to some of your letters in the Harland Highway mailbag. And just read some of your letters out loud and I'll answer them the best that I can because I'm not very smart. But then who is? This is the Harland Highway.

You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week, Chris Moogh I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, quit drinking I make you laugh, I'm here to fucking amuse you

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? We had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha Pintasai.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. I picked the wrong week. Quit shniff and do. Oh, boy. This is a bit of a sad but friggin hilarious story to me. I feel bad, but you got to laugh. I don't know if you guys have ever experienced. this but i was i was driving home the other day i you know i went out to grab something to eat or i was uh you know i was doing something went to get some gas in the car i was hunting antelope you know and uh i'm driving uh up the hill towards my house and i see a car coming down the hill

towards me and i noticed some kind of deviation on the car on the roof something's like sticking up and I'm like that's a weird thing and as the car gets closer I see on the roof a pair of like really nice black leather high heel shoes and it took a second for it to register because it's like you know the car's moving and you certainly don't see shoes on the roof of a car ever and by the time it kind of clicked this this car was going like right by me so there was no time to like honk and go hey your shoes your shoes are on your roof hey you you know so i was like oh well they'll probably you know think of it any second or they'll pull over or someone else they'll flash their lights or whatever and i thought man what a bummer you know because i know women's high-heel shoes

can often be very expensive and these ones looked really nice so you know in the brief moment i saw them but we passed each other relatively slow because we were on a hill, a windy hill, and then the person was gone. And then I guess later that day, like more towards the evening, I'm driving back down and I have to go down the same hill and go to the light and make a turn.

As I'm making the turn, bless their hearts. There they were in the middle of the road. just mangled these beautiful black leather pumps just one of them was like literally right in the middle of the road just like crooked and the heel was sticking up and the just crunched and then the other one was like over at the curb like a dead squirrel just flattened like just flattened I felt so bad for the girl, but I just also, it was just something funny about it. So I wonder if you guys, you pavement pounders, have ever left something on the roof of your vehicle and you'd care to share. I'm trying to think, you know, sometimes I do it as a goof.

There's been times when I've left like, you know, I'm finished with something or I don't want something, like a bag of chips or a bag of chips or a bag. big like you know sometimes you go to a fast food joint you'll you'll get a drink and it's like way too huge and uh you know there's been times when i've just left stuff on the roof on purpose and just taking off just to watch it fly all over the place i know strange behavior but hey it's me hello um but i can't remember i don't think i've left anything of any importance on the roof of my car but it's a freaky thing and you know

let me know if you guys have any real-time stories I want to hear it I want to put them on the podcast here if you have any memories of leaving something on the roof of your car and driving away and what the outcome was

hopefully it wasn't too dead high-heel shoes deceased in the middle of the road Hey, Harlan, this is Snow from Seattle, a long time, no-see. I just wanted to go ahead and let you know that had an interesting thought, and I didn't want this thought to go away, and wanted to see if you had a similar thought about this, too. So they used to call marijuana grass.

Now, my generation doesn't call a grass. They call it weed. But I live in an area where a wheat grass is pretty common to live. And I just thought it might be kind of funny. Has anybody actually ever smoked wheat grass and gotten high? Just a thought. No, nobody has smoked wheat grass. grass. Why would anybody smoke wheat grass? That's like a health food thing. If you've ever been

in a health food store, it's actually, a lot of places they actually have it growing there. They've got little containers, little flat little pallets of this grass growing. It's called wheat grass. And to me, it's just confused. Look, are you wheat or are you grass? Okay. It's not like you go in the forest and you see a tree rock or you don't go fishing in a river lake okay you don't date a person who's half man half girl

well okay maybe that happens yeah that I think that happens but wheat grass is a big confusing it's I think I think the health food guys do it and what they do is they take the wheat grass You go and say, yes, listen, I need to do it cleanse. Would you mind if I just, could you give me a shot of wheat grass, please? And basically, they grab this grass and they pick it and they throw it in a blender

and whip it up and people like do it as a shot and a little paper shot glass. And they think they're going to cheat death by another 20 years. Well, I had my shot of wheat grass. I guess I'll be living to 140 now. Tomorrow I'll have another shot. I'll crank it up to 145. Too bad all these other idiots don't know about wheatgrass. Well, I don't know.

But look, I don't want to leave you hanging snow. So, Roger, have you done that? Okay, Roger has just finished rolling me a joint. A doobie of wheatgrass. So let's crank it up. Yeah, hit me the lighter, Raj. Okay, so I am, I'm lighting up a wheatgrass reefer right now. Absolutely nothing will happen.

Hang on. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, okay. It's kind of smooth. I got to give it that. Hang on. Oh, yeah, that's not bad. I don't think anything's happening. I've got to tell you, it's smooth.

It's really... Arlund, it's Roger in the control room. What? What do you want, Roger? No, I'm not... Want me to call security? Why would you call security? Arland.

What is wrong with you, Roger? Absolutely nothing has happened to me. It's weak. grass, nothing at... Look, I'm telling you... Do you want me to call security? No, I don't want security up here. I'm absolutely 100% fine.

I have no effects at all from the... Okay, Harland. Like my taint. One cheeseburger with everything coming up! Letters, oh, we get letters, we get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today. Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters.

Let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy. Mailman. Mayol today. Excuse me. Wow. Oh, my God. My throat is, uh, we took a little break in there.

Uh, that wheatgrass was a little. Thanks a lot, Roger. Um, anyways, let's, uh, let's get to some of your letters. I'm, I got a, whew, clear my head a little. Let's, we get letters sent in from you guys at Harlan Williams.com from the pavement pounders. And, you know, the mailbag fills up and I like to read a few of them. So we can clean it out and keep moving. So let's go to the first letter here.

This is from Corky. Hey, what are you stealing my name there, buddy? Corky says, hello, Harland. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? or comedians of all time. Be honest. Wow, uh, corky. Um, oh my gosh. Well, there was a guy in Montreal that was a friend of mine named Sean Keene. Uh, a bit of an obscure guy. Never really rose to notoriety because he was very reclusive and didn't really have a handle on the business aspect of, of the entertainment industry. So, um, on the rare occasion, he would get out and do his

shows. I just found his writing to be very intelligent and funny and unexpected. He did a whole character with the routine. I think if you snoop around on YouTube, you might see some clips of him. But to see him on YouTube or on television does him a disservice. He was really one of these guys you needed to be in the room live and feel his energy and watch his flow. But But just he was real quirky and funny. So a guy named Sean Keene out of Montreal, Canada. I was always a fan of Stephen Wright just because his jokes were so clever.

They were so kind of out of left field and unexpected. I mean, I found with Stephen Wright, after you listen to him for about 15 minutes, you could almost start to figure out the punchlines a little bit. But that being said, that first 12, 15 minutes, I really enjoyed it because it was so kind of, of inventive and clever um who else um there was a guy out of the uk named chris lyman many years ago who was a very visual kind of like a charlie chaplainesque stand-up comedian who did some real

edgy stuff and i don't know what happened to him i don't know if you can see him on the internet but chris lyman this is a guy that used to end his stand-up comedy routine by walking out on stage naked and put a Roman candle, one of these fireworks, sticking out of his butt, and would light it and stand there naked. And while the fireworks were blown out of his butt, he would lip sync to Ethel Merman singing, Hooray for Hollywood, da-na-na-na-na-na-na, you know, this type of thing. So really funny, man. I don't know.

I like guys that are a little different, a little, a little off-eastern. the beat and track. I like guys that kind of push the stand-up art form, you know, to a different level or kind of take it around a bend where we haven't seen it before. Which isn't to say there ain't a lot of really good stand-up comedians out there. So those are a few of mine. My favorite of all time, oh boy. I just, I'm not sure I can have one favorite of all

time because it's like it's like going out to sushi dinner and you order a whole bunch of little pieces to make up your meal and I think I'd have to stick with that as far as comedians go I like little bits and pieces of a whole bunch so and I guess lastly more of a guy you might know is a guy named Nick DePaolo he's a comedian out of New York who I always always liked because he's very edgy and very real and cranky and kind of not afraid to speak his mind and stuff like that. So I hope that answers your question. And there you go.

So let's go to the next letter here. This one comes from Bob Turner. Bob. Bob says Harland. Just listen to Aunt Ruthie at the drive-thru. Now, I listen to a lot of podcasts, and you have raised the comedy bar. I can't remember hearing such an all-round, top-quality piece of podcast history.

Wow! I only wish I could be as innovative and funny as you on my own podcast. I am not worthy. Bob Turner. Well, don't say that, Bob. Everybody's worthy in their own right. I bring characters like Aunt Ruthie to life, and I'm sure on your show you bring other things to life

that have value and meaning to people. But I'm so happy you enjoyed Aunt Ruthie. I've heard rumblings that she might be visiting that drive-thru again because she was so frustrated that it went so bad the first time. So let's see what happens, man. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. that's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item.

It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harlan. so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. All right. Let's go to another letter here. What do we have? What do we have? Okay. Let's see. This is from Chris. Harlan, got to give you props, man. You just keep on pumping the podcast episodes out. Thank you so much.

We pavement pounders know it can be tough when you're busy elsewhere, and we really appreciate that. Also, as a professional musician, I've got to say the music you put out on that album with your cousin was very, in capital letters, very good, indeed. Ah, he says, feel free to play some more on the show sometime. And then he says, missed your show a while back in Moncton, which is in Canada, but heard it was a little. Great. You may have heard about the tragedy here in Moncton this week. We had three RCMP officers killed and two more wounded by a gunman. Oh, my God. Very sad. Not to be a downer, but I thought you might want to say a few words about this. And please pray for the families. Thanks for everything you do. Well, first of all, let me talk about the podcast. Thank you for your compliments. I'm glad you like the music. We kind of do it as a hobby, but we figure, hey, if somebody gets something out of it, that's cool, too. I think I'm going to have a new song coming up for you guys in the next little while from me and the cousins.

Well, just me and my cousin. There's only two of us. And thank you for your kind words, and then let's address this shooting in Moncton, Canada, which is on the East Coast of the Marantimes of Canada. And for those of you in the States, RCMP officers are Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Okay?

And let's just put it this way. Shootings like this are not common in Canada. So it's not only that it's shocking that it happened, but it's also shocking that it happened in Canada where people, for the most part, are not allowed to have guns. There's very few murders every year. There's very little gun violence. And so for some nutbag to take out some police officers,

uh it's very tragic i do pray for their families and uh it's just such a such a waste that it seems to me a lot of these people uh committing gun crimes going on these rampages nowadays it's got nothing to do it seems with frustration or anger or it almost seems like a lot of these people to me if i can analyze it are living kind of humdrum lives and maybe feel they're not getting anywhere or going anywhere. And they're like, you know, I just want those few moments of glory. I want to crave, I want some attention. I want to be in the limelight.

I want to be respected. I want to be a threat. I want to be dangerous. All these things must be happening in these people's minds. And it's very sad and upsetting. And, you know, at the end of the day, most police officers are very good people, and most police officers, you know, got in the line of work to put themselves between the public and danger to the public. And, you know, for someone to dedicate their career to protecting and trying to stand up for the rights of the average citizen to be taken out in a senseless rampage is quite devastating.

and yes, we feel for the families, we feel for the whole community, and we feel for each other as a society. It's a tragedy, and, you know, I think I'm going to start a running list, not to be morbid, but I've been noticing that it's almost a daily occurrence in the United States. Almost daily, and definitely pretty much weekly now, that somebody somewhere goes on a rampage at a school, at a restaurant, at a factory, at a bar, out in the streets. I mean, it is becoming, it's almost becoming like a comic book

where, you know, the more it happens, the more the fabric breaks down, and the more and more people just see it as an everyday thing, and the more and more it's going to keep growing. And I really, personally, I'm in a place now where when I go out, in public, I think I've talked about this before, but even more so now, I'm very perceptive about who's around me, what's around me. I find myself looking for exits. I plan exit strategies when I go out. I'm a lot more leery of, let's say, you know, homeless people and stuff because

a lot of this violence you've seen has come from people that are mentally unstable and Oh, it's just getting real ugly. So hopefully society can turn this all around and more and more innocent people don't have to die. So thanks for your letter. And we appreciate that one. Thank you. And RIP to the poor officers that lost their lives

and our sympathies to the families. All right, let's do one last letter. That one was a little heavy, but, you know, that's the mailbag. You know, people write in about all kinds of different things. Let's see what we have here. This is from Carlos Diabreya. That's a fancy name. D-Apostrophe Abrea.

Carlos Diabreya. Harland, hello, I am an Australian fan and wannabe pavement pounder. Well, you don't have to be a wannabe pavement pounder. If you're listening, you are a pavement poundered. mate, you're not wrong if you're listening. You are a pavement founder, even if you're in Oz. I listen to the Harland Highway and you on Carolla. Yeah, I've been on Adam Carolla's podcast a few times.

I'm a big fan of Jacques Tatee, especially Mon An Col. He was a comic genius. I'm in France in early June. Would love to buy you a beer. I'm not weird. I'm a doctor in Australia. Cheers. Carlos. Carlos Diabrella.

Hey, you could be weird. Just because you're a doctor doesn't mean you're not weird, dude. You could be, you know, there's Dr. Mengela, there's Dr. Cavorkian, there's Dr. Giggles. There's Dr. Seuss. There's Dr. Pepper. I mean, there's a lot of crazy doctors out there, sir. Oh, but with reference to your Jacques Tattee, that goes back. to my vacation I just took.

I took a wonderful road trip to the location of a Jacques Tati film called Mr. Hulow's Holiday, which was filmed at a small little resort on the shores of Western France, right on the ocean. And my road trip took me there. And I'm going to tell you more about that on a future podcast.

But I'm glad you're a fan of Jacques Tati. You referenced Mon An Col, which was one of Jacques. out to these other famous movies, and I don't like it as much as I like Mr. Hulow's Holiday, but I'm glad you're a fan, and I'm glad you're also a fan of the Harlan Highway. So thank you for writing in, and, well, you know what?

Let's do one more. Why not? Should we do one more? I think we should do one more. Why not, huh? Here we go. Last one, Josephine Caldwell. Well, we've got to get the girls in here, man.

Okay? Oh, there's that weak grass again. Josephine says, hi, I just wanted to say how much my mom loves you. Oh. She has Alzheimer's, and we watch Comedy Network every day. She loves it when just for laughs comes on, and your character, Elmore, Fudge, comes on. It's hard to keep her focused on anything,

and it's a joy watching her lap. So again, thank. P.S. I was born in O'Donnell. Maybe we're related. Mother? Well, hey, first of all, I hope your mother's doing okay. And second of all, what a treat. Because when you have Alzheimer's, you know, the mind starts to go. And there's certain things that, you know, sadly just kind of go blank.

And I think there's trigger things that bring people with Alzheimer's kind of back to life, so to speak. and to know that maybe my comedy and my characters help your mother kind of turn the light on again and give her a little sparkle in the eye, and that's a real joy to hear. And I'm glad that my lunacy can provide that for her. As far as Elmore P. Fudge goes, if you really want to give her a treat, you can go to Amazon.com, and I made a whole movie of Elmore P. Fudge. called Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face. You saw them in little snippets on Just for Laughs,

which is a stand-up comedy show on television. But if you want the full hour and a half movie of Elmore P. Fudge, please get Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face. You can rent it on Amazon.com. I think it's like four or five box or eight box. Or if you want a hard copy, you can order a copy at my website here at Harle Williams. And as far as being an O'Donnell, yes, my mother's maiden name was O'Donnell, so I'm part O'Donnell somewhere deep down inside, and maybe we are related.

And, you know, I think at the end of the day, everyone on this planet is related. So, thanks for writing in, sis. By the way, can I borrow the car tonight? I got a hot date with one of your girlfriends. Hello! All right, that's it. I think we covered the mailbag for now. Thanks again for sending in all your letters,

all you pavement pounders. And if you want to get a letter in here, you can do that. Harlow Williams.com, or if you just want to call and leave a voicemail, if you're too lazy to write, 323-739-43-30. That's 323-739-43-43-43.

Rodgers, it's close. the mailbag, and keep motoring along here. Another letter from our last birthday. Well, there it is the mailbag. Thank you so much for Roger. What is that music? What, she's here? Julia Child, dead Julia Child.

Send her in. Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen, I see her in the booth with Roger. Dead Julia Child, she's a major, when she was alive, she was an incredible chef, cook, whatever you want to call her, and world famous for her dishes or cooking techniques. Here she is. She's coming through the door. Oh, my God, it's dead Julia Childs. Hello, everybody.

It's so great to be here. Dead Julia Childs, how are you? Well, look at me. My flesh is rotting. The skin's falling off my bow. and my eyes are hanging down by my tits. How good do you think I am? I'm dead.

Well, we sure enjoy having you here, dead Julia Childs. Thank you very, very much. I've got an exciting snack that everyone can enjoy. Oh, great, we all love snacks. Like, what is it? Well, I'm sure everyone likes chicken wings. Yes, yes, I love chicken wings. I'm sure my listeners like chicken wings.

Well, I've got the most delicious hot wings you've ever tried in your life. Oh, boy, hot wings. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Keep talking. All right, quit acting like an excited school girl. No, I'm just excited that you're here. Well, just tone it down a bit, Nacho. Okay, my name's not Nacho.

Well, I'm dead and I'll call you whatever I want, pussy fart. Okay, you don't need to call me that. So here's what you do. incredibly hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot wings. Okay, these sound really, really hot. How does it work? Well, you know how you marinate chicken wings in hot sauce? Yes? Well, what I do is I marinated my chicken wings in diesel gasoline. Diesel gasoline mixed with some unleaded gasoline, okay, and some hot Cajun peppers. What was that last one you said, some very hot Cajun peppers.

It sounds like there's something in your throat there, dead Julia Childs. No, I'm simply putting emphasis on the word hot by going, oh, wait a second. Oh, a piece of my throat actually just fell out of my neck. Hang on a sec. Oh, there we go. It's not easy being a corpse, you know. Absolutely dead Juliet Childs.

Now, how do we do this recipe? You marinate the chicken wings in diesel, unleaded gasoline, and hot sauce. Okay. And you let them marinade in the gasoline. You can get it from any gas station down at the corner or what have you. Absolutely. And what you do, let those chicken wings marinate overnight in the gasoline. Okay, overnight.

And then let your friends start eating them. Okay. I don't know that gasoline's really super hot. It is when they've eaten about five or six, and then you offer them a cigarette. I'm sorry? Off of them a cigarette when they light it, boom!

They blow their fucking faces off. Okay, let's settle down. Don't tell me to settle down. I've already been down. Six feet down. Underground. Oh my God, there's maggots on my leg. Okay.

Julian Child sounds delicious. Yes, and then you're down. get a flamethrower and burn their bodies while their heads are on fire. Well, the hottest chicken wings in town. Okay, thank you, dead Julia Childs. Ladies and gentlemen, wonderful to have her here. You heard her. Get your recipe going.

Uh, super hot chicken wings. Burn the house down, bitches. Okay, thank you, dead Julia Childs. Well, I must get back to the graveyard. I think some of the other stiffies are having an orgy tonight. and I want to make sure I get boned, if you know what I mean. Okay, dead Julia Childs. There she goes.

What a treat to have her drop by, delicious, smoking hot, super extra hot chicken wings. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich. Well, there you go. There she goes. Dead Julia Childs. Haven't had her on the show for a while, Roger. It's nice to see her get up out of the grave and walk around and know that she's still.

cooking and stuff although that dish sounds a little deadly but what have you so let's hang it up right there let's end the show on that delicious note just to remember

reminder you guys that tomorrow night Friday night June 27th you can catch me in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania at the DVE Comedy Festival at the At the theater there, I think it's called the Bayam Theater.

Yeah, it's the Bayam Theater at the DVE Comedy Festival. It's one night only, and it's tomorrow night, Friday, June 27th. It's going to be great. Like, I got to tell you, if you don't like me, go just to see Brian Callum, who's, you know, it's funny. I talked earlier about favorite comedians, you know, and this guy slipped my memory. so I'm glad I brought him up again. Brian Callum, very, very funny stand-up comedian. I love watching this guy, and I'm going to be doing a show with them, and we're going to have a blast.

So make sure you get your tickets. Go to Harlowyms.com, and you can get on my stand-up comedy link and go right to the website through that and purchase your tickets. I think they might be sold out by now, but you never know. Get in there and check us out. Also, while you're on the site, please check out the store, the Harlow Williams.com web store. Got all kinds of books and CDs and movies and clothing

and fun stuff for you to purchase. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel where I put up all my crazy YouTube videos and there's no gimmicks, no attachments, no fees, It's completely free entertainment like this podcast. Once you hit the subscribe button on my website, as soon as I post a new vid, it will come straight through to you,

and you can hopefully have some chuckles. And what else can I tell you, man? That's probably about it. Tell your friends to get on the damn Harland Highway. If people in Australia can bloody well do it, if people in Australia can be pavement pass. Then I'll don't see why you can't be pavement bounders. I probably just lost all my Australian listeners right there with that horrific accent.

But at any rate, tell your friends, get on board. We want everyone to laugh. As we said in the letter section, life is hard, life is challenging. You never know when the next guy is going to walk through the door and start spraying bullets. So let's all have a laugh while we can. Great to have you here. We'll see you next time. Until then, everybody, chicken chag.

Oh, my God. Rod, get me some wheat grass. Hurry. I need some wheat grass. Until next time, chicken chalmaine, baby. Roger. Oh, here we go. Oh, that's hitting the old spous.

Oh, oh.