The Harland Highway - 590 - Harland is involved in a MURDER & REVENGE scenario, More news from Iraq.

Episode Date: July 7, 2014

Harland finds himself in the middle of a very strange murder and revenge scenario, verrry scary stuff. Also, Major Tom Dowdy returns to brief us on the escalating crisis in Iraq. A Pavement Pounder clarifies YouTube ads. Slip on my slope! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, little sister shotgun. Oh, yeah! Okay, okay, you're not Billy Idol. Who are you? Harlem Williams. That's right. Who? Hallin Williams.

That's right, you're Harlem Williams. And what do you do? The Holland Highway Podcast. Say it clearer. The Holland Highway Podcast. Yes, that's right. Now say it right. Hi, this is Harlan Williams,

and you are listening to the Harland Highway Podcast. Welcome. A little fumbling there at the beginning. But what a show. Oh, my God. Do you like stories about murder and suspense and intrigue and revenge? Oh, my God. Yours truly, Harlow Williams, was dropped right in the middle of such a story.

Murder, revenge. Oh, my God. It's just, it's crazy. So you got to stick around for this story at the end of the show. I'm lucky to be alive. Unbelievable. Also, Iraq's still heating up. We're bringing back Major Tom Dowdy from Camp Pendlington. He's going to fill us in on the latest crazy antics in Iraq and Syria.

Hopefully clear it all up for us. He'll be calling in. And also, one of the pavement pounders calls in with an interesting observation here on the harlot. Highway You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me

Out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week We're smooth I'm funny how I mean funny like I'm a clown I amuse you Like I took the wrong week Quit drinking

I make you laugh I'm here to fucking amuse you You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I'd buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember I had lasagna.

What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week. When I'm fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. If you get the wrong week, quit, sniff, do. Hello? Hello? Hey, all, this is Zachary.

Just listened to your podcast. You were talking about YouTube ads and skipping them and whatnot. I always skip the ads. Sometimes you get the ones you can't skip, like 30 seconds long. I'll just back out and find a different video to watch, not even watch those, can't stand those. But I did a quick Google search, and according to the Google Facts on YouTube,

30% of its users actually sit through and watch all the ads while the other 70% typically always skip them, which is pretty interesting. I don't know why anything if they want to watch those, but it's their own. Until next time, man. Chicken chow maim, baby. All right, there you go. Zach, thank you for doing the research for us.

How did you figure all that stuff out? Well, I did a quick Google search. Well, good. I'm glad you did because I was asking about that, and that's an amazing ratio. I'm surprised even 30% watch the ads. I mean, that's still a lot. Like, who has the time in their day?

what's the 30% group that has the time in their day to sit and watch an ad before they watch a YouTube video? Makes no sense. Maybe they're not even watching the videos. Maybe they just tune in to watch the ads, and then when the video comes on, they like click the video off.

And they're like, oh, dude, like the commercials over. Now there's this stupid video Screw that I'm gonna get I'm gonna I'm gonna click on another video So I can get another ad And I'll watch the ad And I'll look at this

Another stupid video I mean why isn't it just a video Full of commercials Because I just really like the commercials I mean who do I talk to How do I change all this crap But I did a quick Google search And what? Like, who the hell are you, man?

This is Zachary. Who? Zachary. Okay, but how do you, like, know so much about, like, YouTube ads, man? But I did a quick Google search. Oh, cool. So anyways, thanks to Zachary for giving us a little more info on who watches the stupid YouTube ads. Because that had been a Harland Highway question of the day.

on a previous podcast. So thanks for calling in and clearing that up. If you want to clear anything up with us, the numbers 323-739-433. And who knows, maybe you'll give us some of your old-fashioned learnings as well. Cool. Now, let's switch gears to Iraq,

and that situation just keeps worsening over there. Now the terrorist groups, I think there's a new name, Bye al-Qaeda or Al-Qaeda or whatever they are, and goodbye Taliban. Now there's like a new terrorist group. They've rebranded. They're called like Inex, or Brand X or Xbox or something with an X in it. I don't even know what it is.

But apparently they're like, they're even scaring the Al-Qaeda's away. and now that they want to like rename the country they want to make Iraq a whole new country holy crap it's just like all the wasted blood and treasure over there it's like we spent 10 years trying to open the door to opportunity to liberate them and look at them

it's like when you build a sandcastle and then the water the waves start to hit and then the water just starts to fill in the hole and let's look about it. So anyways, obviously, I don't know what I'm talking about. But we had a gentleman on here who's a career military guy a few weeks ago when this thing started to erupt. A guy named Major Tom Dowdy from Camp Pendlington in Southern California.

He's here on the line, Roger, do we got him? Okay, we're going to patch him through. And we're going to get him to explain just what in the hell is going on down there in Iraq, and what are we going to do about it all? All right, patch him through, Raj. Hello. Yes, hello. Yes, hello, sir.

Yeah, is this Major Tom Dowdy? Come again, sir. Yeah, is this Major Tom Dowdy? That's an affirmative, sir. You have Major Tom Dowdy on the line. Who am I talking to, sir? This is Harland Williams. I'm sorry, come again.

This is Harlan Williams, Major Tom. I'm the host of the Harland Highway podcast. That is an affirmative. I have you scheduled in. I am good to go. Roger down. Okay. Thank you, Major Tom.

Actually, it's Colonel Lieutenant Major Tom Dowdy. Yes, sir. Out of Fort Pendlington, Southern California. Okay. Well, listen, a lot has happened, a lot has transpired. since the last time we had you on the show as a guest, Colonel Lieutenant Tom Brady. That's right. A lot has happened, and I'm afraid that the country of Iraq is spiraling out of control, sir.

Spiraling way out of control, just like I'm not sure if you flushed the toilet in the morning, and it's like watching that big old log of shit twirling around. Just circling around and around and around and around. Uh, sir? Just circling around. Every now and then it bumps the side, leaves a little shit mark on the side, a little tiny little skid mark, and that thing keeps swirling and swirling. Major Tom, if you...

I'm not finished, sir. That little shit just swirls around and around and around, and finally that turd gets sucked right down that hole, and that's where our raft's going. Wow That's right Wow W-O-W

Not to be confused with P-O-W You know what a P-O-W is, sir I'm sorry I asked you if you knew What a P-O-W was Well, yes, sir That's a prisoner of war That's right

And I was a P-O-W Sir? Yeah, I was a P-O-W in Vietnam. I got napalm long to prove it. Okay, sir, we really can't have the long breathing moments because it's a little offsetting. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I laid down in the rice paddies of Vietnam.

in the middle of the night with insects laying their eggs in the open sores on my fucking flesh. I wake up in the morning, I got larvae, I got maggots, I got larvae, I got maggots crawling around, eating my flesh, and you're going to tell me that I can't breathe because I got napalm lung. Okay, sir, I'm apologizing, but if we could just get it, get on track and focus on this new terrorist group in excess or whatever they are? I believe that's incorrect, sir. Well, I know I'm not saying it right, but am I correct in saying there's a new terrorist group that has emerged and taken control of hundreds of miles of Iraq?

That is accurate, sir. The name of this new terrorist group is called ISIS, ISA, I, S, S, S. Okay, and this is a dangerous terrorist force organization that's risen up from the ashes of the alquidas and the Taliban's, okay? So you're pronouncing it right, right? I said the alquitas and the talibans. Sir, are you having one of your Agent Orange Lung? That's right, that's right. Just let it ride out, let it ride out.

Okay, sir, you have an inhaler or something? Oh, well, excuse me. Excuse me, civilian. We're trudging knee-deep in the fucking muds of the Erojima in the middle of Vietnam, okay? I'm walking through swamp water up to my fucking tits. I got water moccasins, fucking snow spiders, fucking army ants crawling all over my raw flesh, and you're going to tell me,

because you've got a fancy, wancy podcast. Okay, if we could focus, sir, major... That's commander, French lieutenant, Colonel Tom Brady. I thought it was dowdy. That's what I meant to say. I was just testing your soldier. I'm not a soldier, sir. Now, what was your question?

What is going to happen with this new terrorist organization, ISIS? Well, what do they want? What are they doing? Well, the aim of ISIS is these hooligans, these ne'er-do-wells, they want to create an Islamic state across the Sunni areas of Iraq and Syria. Did you hear me?

They want to create an Islamic state. You understand? Do you know what a llama is? Excuse me, sir? I said, do you know what a llama is? Yes, it's like a camel

without the hump? That's right. That's absolutely right. And these people want to create an Islamic state. You know what that is civilian? Is it religious?

No. That means these people want hundreds, if not thousands, of lamas roaming around within the borders of Iraq and Syria. You know what that's... Sir, I think you're confusing Islam, is Islamic, with the mammal llama. Are you mixed up? Oh, now you're going to tell me about the theater of war, are you, Pussy Lips? Sir, there's no need to be graphically rude. Listen here, Pussy Lips.

I rolled around underneath the palm fronds of Vietnam, okay? I was covered in camouflage. Sir! I was covered in camouflage, and poisonous fucking mushrooms. I got fungus hanging down from the tree branches. I got fucking fire ants crawling in the hole on the cockhead. I'm sorry, sir?

You know the little hole in the cockhead? What are you talking about? I think if you look at the fucking top of your cock, civilian, you'll see a little hole in there. Okay, this is getting way off track I laid in the fucking palm fronds of Vietnam and had fire ants crawling in the hole of my cockhead and you're going to sit here and tell me that I can't breathe

when I gave life and limb so you could go to fucking tennis school I didn't go to tennis school what the hell are you talking about Are you raising your voice to me civilian? No, no I'm not, Lieutenant Colonel officer and a gentleman Tom Brady?

That's Dowdy, sir. Dowdy? Can we get back on track? I feel like you kind of keep drifting off, sir, to these flashbacks of Vietnam, and we respect your service. We appreciate your service to the country. But I think you're mudding the waters here

between what's happening today and what happened to you back in the day. day when you were... When I was in Vietnam, and I had napalm dropping all around me. I had aging orange dust clouds swirling around my head, going down into my lungs

and causing me to have trouble breathing. I got a king cobra crawling up my pant leg trying to nibble on my ball sack. Okay, sir, can we get... I'm running out of time here. What is the end game for this new terrorist group, ISIS, and what is their agenda here? Basically, ISIS wants to seize.

They want to seize Iraq, and they want to create a brand new society. They want to create a brand new country, and they want to govern this uh... Are you all right, sir? I just stumbled on the words there. I got a little bit of Agent Orange stuck in my throat. Oh my God, are you okay? Sir, are you okay?

Just give me a minute. It's almost up. There we go. I think I got it. Oh, my God. That was a big one. Well, I think we're at a time here, Lieutenant Dan, Major Tom, Inspector Cluso. Well, it's been a pleasure talking to you. I hope I've been able to illuminate the situation, and God bless America.

Well, sir, thank you. I'm not sure we did really figure out what's going on over there, but again, we do appreciate your service and your time with us today. You are the expert here. That's right, I am. Thank you very much. and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, Lieutenant Colonel Tom.

You're very welcome. God bless America. Yeah, you said that, sir. And I'll say it again, civilian. I'll say it again. And you're going to fucking sit there. You're going to sit there in your little fucking easy chair that only exists because I fought for your freedom of Vietnam.

Oh, okay. I'm going to say it again. I'm going to say it. real fucking sexy. Sir? Shut the fucking pie hole. I'm gonna say this real fucking sexy so you and your fucking pussy whip generation

get it through your fucking entitlement little filled fucking heads, okay? Sir, this is... Shut it. Say it again, real. sexy God bless

America Christ here comes another one Roger let's hang up hang up Roger this is too much Holy God, with all due respect, with all due respect to the colonel, major court lieutenant Tom Dowdy and then to the military and to the United States of America, with all due respect, holy smokes.

I appreciate the trauma of war and the sacrifice, but, I don't know. Roger, is there no one else we can get to discuss this stuff? I feel like we learned a little bit, but then it kept going off. Well, I hope at any rate, folks, you're a little caught up to date on what's happening over there. Not only is what's happening over there disturbing, but unfortunately talking to Tom Dowdy, Major Tom Dowdy was a little disturbing. I don't know what that we want him back, Roger. Meanwhile, let's switch gears here. Roger, let's get reassembled.

Let's throw to a commercial, and when we come back, we'll have more. Holy jumping. Does he need, like, some recalow or something? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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Today, the United States is engaged in a gigantic effort to send men to the moon. For this effort, Pillsbury has developed many special foods. Here is the first one to be made available to the public, Space Food Sticks. To meet the demands of a long spaceflight, space food sticks had to be a compact, nutritious, high-energy food. That's why they make the perfect between-meal energy snack. Energy for hard play. Energy for hard work. Lasting energy to feel alive.

If that sounds better than some of the things your family fills up on between meals, you should try space food sticks for good nutrition and lasting energy in a chewy, tasty snack food. Chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter. About 44 calories. At your grocers next to the instant breakfast section. Space food sticks, the energy snack from U.S. Aerospace Research and Pillsbury. Okay, let's switch gears to a, this is like a kind of a life, death, murder, revenge story that I don't like, but I'm going to tell it because it happened to me. I was involved in this life, death, murder, revenge story, and it was kind of scary.

Here's what happened I was up at the cottage You know we got the summer going on Everyone's going up to their cottage And I go into the tool shed I hadn't been in there for a few months Because I hadn't been up to the cottage And

Oh my God I opened the door The tool shed door It smells like You ever go in a stairwell Or an underground garage And the homeless guy Has done us all

A little favor And peed in the corner and there's just this overwhelming stench of underground stairwell elevator shaft urine in the air it's very unique

it just hits you in the face like walking into the house to Mum's homemade soup Wham! Oh boy what's that? Some delicious fresh stairwell urine Woo! Can I give me a bowl? So I open the

toolshed doors, wham! I get it with a wall of this urine stink, and I look on the ground, and there's a mouse droppings, and shreds of grass, and it isn't long until I realize, okay, there's mice in the tool shed. Whoopi-doo, you know, it's not like it's uncommon, right? But the thing is, mice cause a lot of damage, okay? Mice chew through cords, they chew through life jackets, they chew through a lot of stuff, I got an outboard motor in there. They could chew through the wiring.

They can do a lot of damage. On top of that, it's unsanitary. You know, the mice, feces, and urine can carry the hunter virus. It's just not a good situation. I love mice. I love critters. I love animals. But when they're in a certain spot, you don't love them.

Okay? It's like if you get a cockroach in your house, you kill it. If you see a cockroach outside, you're like, whatever. it's a cockroach, okay? So I started moving stuff around. I was like, I got to empty all this stuff out. I got to spray down the

tool shed. I got to wash away all the stink. And I moved this one box and out pops a little fella. Out pops a little gray mouse. He just sticks half his body out. And you know when you see mice, even though they're not scary,

somehow they panic people. And so I a knee-jerk reaction where I just, I was like, oh man, there's the mouse, and I kicked the box pretty hard. And lo and behold, the mouse went flying. And let's face it, there's a lot of force and a human kick. Oh, the mouse went flying, kind of hit the wall. And sadly, he hit the ground and it looked like he was stunned and maybe had some internal damage. And believe me, I love critters. I don't like hurting animals. I don't like, I don't even like kill them bugs. You're talking to a guy who saves hornets and bees from the swimming pool when he sees them

swimming around in circles. But when there's a critter invading your home or your property that can cause a lot of damage and isn't good, I shift gears a little, okay? If I see a cockroach in the house, they kill it. Okay? If I see ants in the house, I kill them. If I see a mouse, in my house or in the tool shed. I want to get rid of it. In this case, I kicked the box. The poor little mouse is kind of dead, and it sucked.

But as I was looking at the mouse dying, which broke my heart, I don't like to kill things, another mouse came running out and ran out the back of the tool shed where I could see there was a hole, and I'm like, aha! So one of them lived, one of them died,

and I'm like, okay, that's the end of it. I cleaned out the whole tool shed, blah, blah, blah. The next day, I'm getting ready to go home from the cottage. I opened the door of the rental SUV, and I go, what the hell? And I look, and there's mouse droppings on the seat, on the dashboard, and the cup holder. I'm like, are those mouse turds? Did some mouse drop a bunch of nuggets all over my car?

and then I look on my car seat, and there's a French fry, an old McDonald's French fry that's got all these bites out of it, so the mouse has been in here eating fries on my seat. I'm like, damn it, it must be the mouse that got away. And I have to get to the airport. I got to return the SUV to the rental place. I got to catch a plane back home, blah, blah, blah. And so now I'm driving, and I'm driving.

I'm like, uh-oh, I think there's a mouse in here. And I'm thinking, oh, great, watch this. I'm going to be driving along. Mouse is going to run up my pant leg where it's down by the, you know, the brake pedal and the gas pedal. And I'm going to have a horrible accident, and the mouse is going to get revenge for me, killing his little buddy. And, you know, it's an eye for an eye. It's like the mafia, you know, you'd think that one of my guys, I'd take that one of your guys. you got me you show louie in the back i hit lennie in the neck with an ice pick you hear capish right so now we got that kind of scenario running through my head so i'm driving along do do do do do do all of a sudden sure enough i feel the mouse on my foot he starts making a play to go up my pant leg i'm like whoa i shake my leg it was my left leg fortunately so it wasn't the one on the gas pad

but nonetheless I shook it and sure enough the car swerved all over the place and luckily there was no traffic there's a guy coming in the distance but he was still about maybe a quarter of a mile away on the opposite lane and I'm like man it's just like I thought this mouse is out to kill me

so then I started thinking well what do I do I got to get to the airport I can't miss my plane I can't get out and take the time to fight the mouse. It's too small. It can run and hide all over the place. Oh. So now what do I do? I reach down when I get to a stoplight and I stick my pant legs into my socks. I tuck my pants into my socks because I don't want a mouse running up my leg. And now I look like one of those sword fighters in the Olympics. You know, the guys with the masks on and they get the white suits and I got my dark pants tucked in.

of my white gym socks. I'm like some kind of cavalier swordsman driving down the road. There's a wild animal loose in my vehicle. Oh, is he attacking me, but he's shitting everywhere. He's eating fries. He's a wild shitting, fry-eating animal. Trying to run up my leg.

Holy God. So I've got a good, like, hour and a half drive into the airport. I'm like sitting there gripping the wheel. I'm white knuckling it. I'm like, what's that thing's next move? When does it jump on my forehead? When does it attack my eyes?

And it's morning. So, of course, I stopped into McDonald's at the drive-thru, and I get a big egg McMuffin and the hash prounds. Now I'm sitting in the front seat, driving. Sox, pants tucked in my socks. I've got a delicious egg. McMuffin and now I'm thinking oh man this this mouse has already shown he's got an appetite for McDonald's he already ate a fry or half a fry what am I an idiot what

what was I thinking having an egg McMuffin now I'm just asking to be murdered that's like paying a target on my back I bite into the egg McMuffin mouse jumps through the air lands on the egg McMuffin to take a bite I swerve the truck into an 18 wheeler I roll it crush I'm dead truck my SUVs upside down blood's dripping down my face and the mouse crawls out runs into the forest and lives happily ever after revenge murder call it what you will high drama for me this summer in cottage country Oh, boy. Oh, keep it away.

Keep it away. Anyways, I'm going to end the show there. You're just lucky I'm alive, ladies and gentlemen. I was almost taken down by a little mouse. Anyways, that brings us to the end of the show. A few quick announcements. Like our friend Zachary at the beginning of the show, If you're a pavement pounder and you want to leave me a voice message, you can do so.

323-739-43330. That's 323-739-43330. And you don't have to talk to anyone. It's just like leaving a message on a voicemail. Nobody picks up. You're free to say whatever you want, unencumbered, uncensored, go for it, man. and if I like your message, guess what? I'll put you on the show.

Who doesn't want to hear themselves on the Harlan Highway? Are you nuts? But anyways, aside from that, I love hearing from you guys. If you don't have the courage to leave a voicemail, you can always write me at Harlan Williams.com. And while you're there, you can check out everything going on in Harland World. You can check out my stand-up comedy schedule. It's filling up for the fall, starting in some.

September there's going to be the floodgates are going to be open I may be in a town or city near you going all out with tours everywhere and what else will you there click on my YouTube channel subscription button that way you can join that for free and every time I put up a wacky video you get to see it first also go to our store at harloweems.com you can buy merchandise, funny shirts, books, CDs, DVDs, movies, music. It's all there. Kids books. I do it all. And that's it. So also check out all thingscom.com or you can hear other funny podcasts from Jake Johansson and Bill Burr, people like that. And there you go.

And if you're shopping and you want to go to Amazon, please click through at harlo-Williams.com. We get a little tiny kickback. Everything helps. You know, keeping the highway paved, filling in all the potholes. So that's it. Watch out for mice, everybody. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Chicken chowmaine, baby.