The Harland Highway - 593 - Do a WALKABOUT in drunk Ireland with Harland, crazy new diet!

Episode Date: July 17, 2014

Walk through the streets of Ireland with Harland as he runs the gamet past drunks, musicians and fans, Also, a disturbing new diet that might make u sick. Burned out and turned out!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a night, sweet September. Yeah, what a night indeed. I'll tell you why in a second. But first of all, this is Harlem Williams, and you were riding down the Harlan Highway. Welcome everybody to the show. Great to have you here, as always. And the reason I sang, oh, what a night,

is because on today's show, we're going to go on a walk together. Okay? I'm going to take you on a walk through the streets of Ireland. in the middle of the night with a lot of drunkies around and we're going to step out of your reality for a little bit and just go on a little walkabout. So I look forward to you coming with me on that little adventure. And then later on in the show, it gets a little weird.

We're going to cover a news story where a lady has decided to start a very interesting day, diet eating some very interesting foods. I think you'll be quite surprised, maybe a little appalled, a little shocked, maybe a little sick, but we'll have to wait and see. So it's going to be a great show. We're going for a moonlight walk through the streets of Ireland and all the things we're going to encounter

and also some crazy diet stuff that might turn your stomach right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week, quit smoking. I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you. Like I picked the wrong week, quit drink. I make you laugh.

I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice, steak. Fish? Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.

What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit. I'm fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to sign. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week.

The question of blue. Well, well, well, well, well. I don't know what you were planning to do today. What your schedule is, what your curriculum is. But right now, how would you like to go to hire you? That's right. Ireland, how would you like to go with me on a walk through the streets of Ireland right now? I think it would be fun and interesting. And what I'm going to do is I was recently over in Ireland doing a comedy festival in a little town called Kilkenny, picturesque town with the cobblestone streets and the bridge over the river and the castle and the, oh my God, just quintessential Irish.

And the streets are tight, and there's only like three or four main streets. That's it, man. And they all joined together, and it's really tight, and all the shops are right beside each other. There's no little alleyways or spaces really between the buildings. It's just building, building, building, not even buildings, like storefront, storefront, and half the storefronts are pubs. Okay, the Irish love their pubs. they love to drink and on the weekends man like these people are out they are out and about they are

they are in the streets they're in the pubs that they're half hanging in the pub they're half hanging in the street and in this town i don't i can't speak for all of ireland but i think it might be pretty close to the same a lot of people a lot of irish people drink to the point of obliteration. A lot of them drink to the point of being like that really like drunk, drunk inebriation where, you know, you have trouble talking, you're kind of wobbling, your eyes are kind of moving in two different directions like a chameleon. You ever seen those lizards where their eyes articulate at separate times

because the Irish are so drunk, their eyes are kind of rolling all over their faces. and they're singing and they're celebrating and they're falling over and there's a lot of puking okay because there's only these few main streets and there's no real alleyways there's a lot of people puking on the streets it's it's not like how you see it here in the good old u.s of a people tend to get drunk in a bar they get carried away they get kicked out by a bouncer here it's like forget the bouncer everyone's just like stand there and around oh how you doing everybody have another pint there will you Sean how are you lad so I decided I'm you know I did a couple of gigs uh I went to like an after party

where all the comedians and people from the from a festival and and you know fans of the shows and customers and and it was just a real festive thing And I walk home to the hotel by myself at three in the morning. This is three in the morning. And I decided to record my little walk. And so here we go. I'm going to take you guys wherever you are, whether you're working or you're cleaning a pool or whatever you're doing.

Right now I'm going to take you away. And you're going to walk with me through the streets of Kilkenny, Ireland, and you're going to hear the sights and sounds and the songs and the music and the puking and the talking with all the local folks. And I'll kind of walk you through it as we go along. So let's go. Here we go. I'm hitting the magic button and poof like that.

It's three in the morning. And we're walking through the cobblestone streets of Kilkenny, Ireland. So, as you can see, or here, it actually sounds like we're inside. There's so many people in the streets. Sounds like we're inside a building. We're outside. Walking home through the streets of Ireland. Drunk people everywhere.

Clogging the streets, drunk. Three in the morning. And there were all kinds. I mean, there were couples out. There were couples standing in doorways, like having those, you know, those long, deep talks where they're either saying, I fucking hate you, I'm breaking up. Or they're like, I love you so much. I can't live without you.

Or some of them were doing it at the same time, you know. having that conversation at the same time. And people, they seem, you know, generally happy, you know, they were having a good time. Considering all the debauchery, I didn't see any like fistfights, breakout. I'm sure they do. But, you know, everyone seemed pretty much in that good old Irish cheer. And it was fun. I didn't feel scared.

I didn't feel like I was going to lose control. I mean, not only were there people standing around, but there were a lot of people like walking around me. You know, at 3 in the morning, it was like people on both sides of the street going over the little bridge. over the river and a very safe atmosphere. But you're kind of on your, you're on your toes because, you know, you never know.

When people are really obliterated, when people are really hammered, you've got to be ready for anything. So. I think I encountered a guy playing some violin on a bridge. How are you, man? Got some coins for it, right there? Boy, what are you seeing? He gave them a little, some euros, some Irish euros. Hi.

Hi. Some potty, giving me the high. Should have followed up on that one, maybe. Hi, where are you going? I'm just like, hi. But it was warm, you know, it was still June, but it was nice warm weather. I'm falling into Ireland. And I had a wind breaker on, but it was a nice spring sense in the air.

Here, I have some spacey reaction. Eaves dropping on people, trying to listen to their conversations. Oh, yeah, fuck I dear, but I got it for you. Don't get rid of that, it goes out. It goes out. there's no limit of swearing with the irish they love to swearing with the irish they love to swear i'll tell you they're like oh the fucking guy there eh the fucking guy and they love the c word okay i don't i don't like to be rude here but the c word is a common word with them the irish they're like

Oh, you stupid concha. Listen to listen to them out of the street. This is three in the morning. Sorry, man. Sir, that. Do you want some breakfast? I don't, no, sorry. I try, man.

How are you, buddy? Sorry, they're killing Hill on Thursday. Very good. Oh, thanks, man. What's your name? Steve, you're in, um, some of Mary. That's right, yeah.

Have a good time? Great night. Thanks, Steve. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, man. Cheers. Just heading home. Get some sleep.

Oh, thanks, Steve. Appreciate it, man. Cheers. Thank you. It's a lot. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Absolutely. That sounds like a fucking blind. Cheers. No, ring us if there's all. If you don't get married. No, no, we will. Thanks.

Yeah, too. See later. Bye. Go, go. See later. So that was nice. Some guy recognized. me in the street

knew my movies I guess he'd been at one of my shows and was very complimentary so that was nice you know so people were pretty friendly there's another musician

there you go not 100 40 or he's in now he's in now he's not playing for the good of his head he's not giving your horn better to anything he's giving everyone Look, you get a fiddle and play in the cobblestone streets of Ireland.

I'll make you rich, man. I tell you. How are you doing? I'm good. Are you? Where are you just wandering now? I'm waiting for a cat because I'm going to. Because you're drunk or just because you're tired.

Because my feet are tired. I'm tired from below the ankles. Yeah, me too. My feet really hurt. Yeah. I've been standing up like crazy. Yeah, way too much. Watch out behind you.

There's like meat. Oh. It's like bangers of mash. It's like a giant puddle of pew. You almost stepped in it. I saved your life. I saved your shoes. Are those new?

They remain so now. Are you enjoying your return to keep getting? Yeah, it's been a blast, man. It's been really cool. Yeah. Yeah, thanks for having me. You're a rockin gig last night. Yeah, yeah, last night was a good night.

You were gig in tonight. Tonight I did two tonight, yeah. So good time. You're working your heart. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Thank you. All right, I hope you get a cab. We'll see ya. See you.

Cheers. Yeah. So there you go. There's a shirt up. There's a big puddle of puke. I saved a couple of people from slopping through it. And there was many of those. A lot of puke.

I did a joke in one of my acts where I said the good thing about Till Kenny is that at night when you have to go home, you don't have to get a cab. You can just take your shirt off, run and slide on the ground like an, water sliding down a snowbank here's some more drunks going at it so here that was a bit of you're better to be in calper safe and not be in the dog so here that was a bunch of guys that I guess they had a friend named Terry and he was barely able to walk and they were like like we all do they were burning on they're like Terry Terry they're egging them on they're hammered so there you go just a little slice of me walking through the streets of Ireland on a drunk Saturday night I thought

I thought it might be interesting you know nothing too dramatic happened but just the the sounds and the you know the the the festivity in the air and and and And the people were really, really friendly. As you can see, I mean, I, you know, I don't know if in the States you really get away with walking down the street and chatting with drunks and kind of everyone being friendly and putting their arm around your shoulder and stuff. You know, in the States, you see a drunk, you're like, oh, man, crossed the road. That guy's probably got a gun. He's probably in a gang. He's probably going to rob me.

He's probably going to stab me. Oh, my God. Like, there's just this fear factor. But in Europe, at least in Ireland, where I was, it was just kind of like a jolly, like, kind of festive, you know, party atmosphere, where you kind of get the feeling that everyone's kind of like your friend. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off.

one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out and it's too bad we don't have more of that here i'm not saying it doesn't exist i'm not saying everywhere you go in the united states it's like i mean actually there's some great places in the states where that stuff exists but but in ireland i guess it's just uh i don't know it it it's like

every every weekend this stuff goes on So just a fun little romp, a little tour down the street in the middle of the night with yours truly, fiddlers, fans, fornicators, froth mouths, all kinds of stuff. And I had a great time there and, yeah, let's keep moving on here. Let's keep moving on The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff

Okay You ready for a weird story Yeah How's your diet going What are you eating What are you into health food You're into organics You're a vegetarian

You're vegan You're on a raw diet How about this chick who decided she really loves the taste of animal food? Yeah, I'm talking dog food and cat food, et cetera. Have a listen to this winner. Of course, now when I share with the dogs, it's not like I'm feeding them table scraps. That's one way Dorothy Hunter can look at her menu this month. She owns Paw's Natural Pet Emporium, where her endeavor started while stocking shells.

I didn't have time to go get a snack, so I grabbed a bag of treats off the counter, and I was like, wow, you know, these read better than normal people treats. So I started eating the treats, and I was like, you know, I could do this for 30 days. Now she's a week in, eating things like flakes of salmon and freeze-dried chicken. I've also been doing our oven-baked blueberry treats, as well as freeze-dried green beans, carrots. I even doing some canned cat food. This one is a succulent chicken, and it actually tastes. really good. So I'm pretty happy with that one. I don't do raw bones or meat products like that or the frozen because I'm just not into raw. Come here. You ever eat kibble? Even her employees

have joined in. Looks a little dry. It's better than I thought. Yeah. I was skeptical until Dorothy convinced me to dig in. Okay, this one you have to try. And it turns out there are dog treats here that are actually pretty good. And I'm not the only one who agrees. Those are good, aren't they? But this experiment isn't just about taste. Dorothy has a bigger message. Learn about what you're eating and what you're feeding your pets.

I think if we can get the awareness out of reading the ingredients and really understanding what is in the pet food, that that will actually carry over. If you're feeding your pet healthy, that maybe you'll start reading the ingredients of your own foods and maybe you can start eating healthy too. When we compared these two breakfast bars, I couldn't pronounce the ingredients and the one made for humans. So now read this one.

But the pet bar was a different story. I have lost 2.5 pounds, which I'm not going to complain about that. I'm not doing this to promote eating dog food or to lose ways. But at the same token, I want to, you know, show that I do believe in our products. Yeah, this is my snack today. Taking care of yourself and taking care of your pets. In Richland, Washington, I'm Claire Graham, NBC News. Wow, okay, munch and crunch.

I'm a little worried. I hate to say this, but I think we're all thinking the same thing. Does she have a litter box at home? Is Madam Pet Detective taking dumps in a box of gravel? You know, I eat the pet food, and it just tastes so good, and it goes through my system so well, and I thought, wait a minute, if the animals are eating like this

and it feels good to me and the animals shit this out, well, then I should shit it out the way the animals do. And that's why half an hour ago, I was out in the park where the kids were playing and I was having a walk

and I just felt something coming on. I felt some doggy treats going, right through me and I just whipped down my pants and I squatting on the grass and I just dropped a giant giant golden retriever bomb on the grass

God holy smokes I don't know where do you stop man I mean is this chick sitting up on the weekends watching a yard for squirrels squirrel squirrel squirrel

She goes tearing across her lawn, grabs a squirrel by the neck. You know, is this chick walking along fences at night like a cat? Meow! Meow! I ain't cat food today. Is she in an alleyway with a tom cat or her boyfriend named Tom? and they're having that late night, horrible cat sex that you hear? I don't know, man.

Where does it end? This is Bob Smith, Channel 5 News. The fire department is here in the neighborhood of Smithon County. We have a woman trapped up in a tree. I repeat, the fire department is attempting to retrieve a woman trapped up in a tree. She's been there for seven hours. Wait, hang on a second. It looks like she's giving birth.

Oh, my God, 12 kittens just flew out of her snatch. What, what, what? I mean, wow. That is wacky and weird. But what's even kind of weirder is that, did you hear her talking about some of the the products they have in the pet food store, carrots, and blueberry treats, and frozen peas, and what are our pets getting these days? It's like they got Starbucks in there or something.

It's like, does anyone here know a dog or a cat that goes, you know, I really love some frozen blueberries today. Meow. Could I get some carrots and, uh, from? I don't know, man. Now, you got to ask yourself, okay, she might have a point. It might be okay. Maybe the food does taste good. It's organic, it's fish, it's chicken, it's blah, blah, blah.

That's fair. But then you have to ask the question, if they're preparing it for dogs and cats, is there a lot of TLC being put into it? Are they really selecting the meat? eat carefully. You know, they say hot dogs are full of lips and assholes. And that's human food. Okay, so if they're giving us lips and assholes,

what's in a can of cat food or dog food? I mean, that's got to be like, I don't know, the inside of nostrils, it's got to be, you know, colones. It's got to be the meat in between the hoof. It's got to be, you know, ear meat. I mean, what kind of meat? Are they putting in pet food? It seems to me anything goes as if they care what a dog or a cat eat.

You know, crushed up fish lips and fish fins and tails and eyes. Who knows, man? Because, you know, as far as the ingredients go, all they got to say is, oh, it's fish, it's beef. And you're thinking, yeah, what about McDonald's? They do the same thing. Well, I don't have any proof of that. Taco Bell maybe, but McDonald's, no way. But the thing that I think was very interesting about the piece is when they compared breakfast bars, okay?

The reporter had a breakfast bar for humans, and the lady who worked and ate at the pet store had a breakfast bar for animals. When we compared to these two breakfast bars, I couldn't pronounce the ingredients in the one made for humans. But the pet bar was a different story. It's kind of true, right? You know, you pick up any food product made for humans, and it's like may contain ethanol, conglacteric, mocclixiride, agent orange, red dye colored B-12, mononixylate, sodium, sulfurate, Maude, dilapidonis, Glorcasaurus, Mixalocaloc. I mean, we don't know what we're eating.

But if you look at a breakfast bar, and by the way, a breakfast bar for a friggin' great dane, good morning, master. What a wonderful night of sleep I had. By the way, is my breakfast bar prepared yet, master? what you haven't prepared my breakfast bar well i shall take a big great dine dump all over your living room master i mean good lord but anyways it's an interesting point that that that you know why are the ingredients on a a pet food product so simple uh breakfast bar for dog chicken and oats period you know they're kind of in the same packaging i don't know man it's it's an

interesting question but you know before you get too freaked out about this lady eating like doggy bagels and kibble and doggy sausage and just remember that the only reason the human body the human body doesn't ingest a lot of other things like bugs and scorpions and crickets and who knows what else is because we're human beings and we get squeamish. But if you ever watch that old show, the fear factor, I mean, the human stomach doesn't care what we put in it. It's just fuel. You can eat cow eyes and your stomach would absorb the nutrition from that.

You could eat caterpillars. You could eat ants. You know, you can crack the bone open on a cow and suck the marrow out. And to us, it's unthinkable. It's like, oh, my God, no, oh, God. But that's because our brain's telling us that it's gross. But our stomach, our bodies, they don't care. It's fuel.

It's mass. It's got, it's got nutrients in it. Feed me, feed me, feed me. I don't care what it is. as long as it's sustenance. So really, as kind of gross as this seems, this chick who eats dog food and cat food, it's really not that horrible, unless you're her boyfriend.

And she's like, hi, honey, I'm home from work. Kiss me. Oh, Christ, honey, your mouth smells like friggin' milkbone. That's not milk bone It's duck liver Kibble Do you mind if I puke in your mouth I don't know how many calories does it have

Oh God So there you go man Enjoy your dinner, enjoy your lunch What have you Yeah I think I'd rather Eat off the sidewalks of Kill Kenny Ireland

Thank you very much One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Yeah, coming up, all right. Yeah, coming right up and all over the sidewalk. Anyways, we're going to end the show there today. Food for thought or food for your dog, whatever you want to call it. But, yeah, thanks for being here, everybody. And make sure you check out Harlow Williams.

Go to our store. buy some merchandise at harloweems.com. If you want to phone in and leave a voicemail, you might get on the show. 323-739-43330. That's 323-739-433. Or you can write me at harloughwilms.com, and you might have your letter read when we do the listener mailbag. Check out my stand-up comedy schedule at harlomwilms.com.

Big tour starting in September. Actually, right at the end of August. So make sure you get tuned into that. I'm going to be hitting a lot of great cities. We're going to be having a great time. So check that out. Also, join my YouTube channel. Just hit the subscription button at harloweems.com.

No gimmicks, no catch. You just get my videos when they come out. My wacky videos, you'll be the first to see them when they hit the airwaves. So there you go. we are done for today thank you for being here tell your friends to get on the harland highway will you tell them about the fun we're having here and uh that's it until next time kibbles and bits no no sorry wait until next time chicken chowmaine baby