The Harland Highway - 596 - Dr. Debbie Thymer LIFE COACH. A giant bundle of teeth, and The Question of the Day

Episode Date: July 31, 2014

Dr. Debbie Thymer LIFE COACH talks to a misinformed teen about her little brother. A giant bundle of teeth are discovered, and The Question of the Day regarding soft drinks. Plunge into grunge!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't you dare tell me what to do. Don't you dare. I'm a vampire. You can't force me to listen to the Harland Highway. Or maybe you can. I feel like I'm on it already. But it's the middle of the day. Hey, everybody.

It's the Harland Highway. For some reason, there's a vampire here. Yes, thank you very much. Shut up. What a show today. Dr. Debbie Timer is here. She's going to be taking some calls, dishing out some of her life coaching experience.

It's always very helpful, helping people mend and heal and put together their lives in a more orderly way so they can function better. Great to have her here. We're going to have the Harland Highway Question of the Day, where we're going to be talking about pop machines. Yeah, you know, you think you know where that's going. Also, a crazy, crazy news story. Wait do you hear this one. Let's just put it this way. It involves teeth.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of teeth. Yeah, this one is out of control. So it's a good show. We got a lot of things going on. And we thank you for being here. Also, I'm going to announce my brand new fall comedy tour. At the end of the show, I'm going to tell you all about it, get to the dates for it.

And it's awesome stuff. So sit back, put on your helmets. Here we go. the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway I am out here for you You don't know what it's like to be me

Out here for you It's like I picked the wrong week We smoke I'm funny how I mean funny like I'm a clown I amuse you Like I took the wrong week, good drink I make you laugh I'm here to fucking amuse you

You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams I buy that for a dollar What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny?

Funny how? How am I funny? It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. She's got a thought for Samantha thing to say. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Get the wrong week, quick. You get the wrong week, quick. It's good.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Wow. Wow, this is strange stuff, okay? Check out, check out this headline.

Good Lord. 232. Think of that number. 232, big number, big, big number. I mean, think if you had 232 cars, 232 pairs of shoes, 232 meat pies, okay? Here it is, 232 teeth removed from Indian boy's head. What? Holy crap!

Ah, that ain't no Indian boy, that's, you have a shark on your hands, folks. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Gingerbar? Yes, I'm sorry to inform you, but your son is a great, white hammerhead shark. Yes, I know he's been living at home and going to school and playing on the soccer team, but we looked inside his mouth. He has 322 teeth. It turns out your boy as a man-eating shark, and it might be time to kick him out of the house.

Maybe go on a trip to the beach, and both of you pick him up by the tail and swirl him around and throw him in the ocean. What is your son's name? Igabal. Okay. How about this? Free Igabal. I'm sure you've heard of free willie?

Well, now I'm asking you to free Igabal. Throw that boy in the ocean and let him eat schools of fish. Let him play with the other sharks. Let your boy. What are you crazy? Are you nuts living with a fucking man eating shark? Oh my God. Doctors in India opened up a tumor in this poor teenager's lower jaw,

and something unexpected happened. Little pearl-like teeth started coming out one by one. Initially, we were collecting them. They were really like small white pearls, but then we started to get tired. We counted 232 teeth. This 17-year-old kid, oh my God. At one point, they also took a chisel and a hammer to remove fragments of a marble-like structure in the boy's jaw. What is this guy, a statue?

Who has marble, a chisel and a ham? Why didn't they just, like, carve him a new mouth while he was in there? This poor guy, the surgery took seven hours and a four-person medical team and the cast and crew from the deadliest catch. Okay, I added that part But the deadliest catch guy Should have been there, I think, supervising Turns out this kid from a village in Western India Had a complex composite O'Don Tama

I don't know, that sounds like a car part to me Basically a benign tumor It usually forms in the upper jaw Causes the gums to make lots of teeth And it could have damaged the boy's jawbone Well, it sounds like it did I think when you're in there with a chisel and a hammer, you know, working on a boy's mouth,

I think the damage might be evident. I mean, did you use a dentist drill? Did you use a plaque scraper? Did you use those little, those delicate tools that dentists clean your teeth with? No, you went in with a chisel and a hammer. This boy's sag had been. become a cancer scare for his parents who took him to Mumbai when the village doctors couldn't figure out it was causing swelling on the right side of his jaw. Look, I'm not sure what might be going

on, but I'm going to send your boy to Mumbai because I think maybe he has 375 teeth. But that's just a guess. Yes, your boy is a land shark. Yes, you've heard of land shark? He is a land shark. Now that the boy has been worked on, he's getting back to the normal 28 teeth that he's supposed to have. But they said he's not out of the woods yet. Well, he should be out of the woods right into the ocean. Maybe that's the problem. They got the poor kid in the woods.

Where is our boy? It's playing in the woods again. Somebody put him in the ocean with the other... Send him to school. Not regular school. Send him to school. school of sharks. Let him swim around in the school of sharks,

learn to eat jellyfish like the other children. They say the condition could come back, especially if a tooth fragment was left behind. Now, here's where it gets weird. The kid's case may be a record. The most teeth taking out of a tumor was previously 37.

Doctor says, next stop, they will apply for a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Geez. Okay, way to make a spectacle of the guy. Hey, listen, kid, I know you're scarred for life.

You've got 972 teeth. The children think you're a shark. No one will play with you because basically you eat children. And even though you're vulnerable and you've got this very, very rare affliction, Would it be cool if we put you in the Guinness Book of World Records and took a picture beside you? But don't worry, I'll all be wearing shock repellent.

I mean, come on, man. Let's give the kid a break. You just took 342 teeth out of his head with a hammer and a chisel, man. Can you cut the kid some slack? Maybe a little privacy? Can you give them some listerine and some... salt water and send them home

to gargle or something? Jeez! So there you go. We're kicking off the show with a really weird story. Geez, I wonder if that kid drinks Coke. I'm sorry to tell you, Vindegar,

but you have 228 cavities today. You could have had 332, but you only have 200 cavities today, so that's not a bad for you. Ow! Why did you bite my hand off? There you go.

Make sure you go to your dentist, get your yearly checkup, and whatever you do, stay out of the water, man. There's Indian boys swimming around. Mickey Free Igama! Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Well, hello everybody, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and welcome to... my show today where we're going to be discussing all the matters that concern the ins and outs of every day life and living and how we cope and get along and we'll be taking your calls from all

over the country and I'll see if I can assist you in helping to patch together problem areas of your life. I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer and why don't we go to our first call right now in Dallas, Texas. Hello, Dallas. You're on the air. I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer. I'm your life coach. Um, hello? Hello, child. Um, hello, Dr. Debbie Timer? That's right. I'm your life coach. And how can I have a child?

help you today, child? Um, well, Dr. Debbie, um... Yes? Um... Um... Okay. Are you a little bit nervous, child? Yes.

It's my first time ever on the television. Well, you're not on a television, my child. You're... This is the radio. Oh, thank you, Dr. Debbie, I, uh, okay, let's stop the giggling. And did you have something you wanted to discuss with me today? Yes, Dr. Debbie, I, I had a question for you. Okay, before we get started, let's act like human beings and get to know each other. What's your name? My name is Samantha Stevenson,

and I'm from Dallas, Texas. Okay, excellent. And what is your question? today, Samantha Stevenson. Well, I wanted to know about my brother. Okay, and how old is your brother? Um, he's seven years old, Dr. Debbie. Excellent, and what would you like to know about your brother? Um, I want to know when my brother, Perry. Is that his name, Perry?

Yes, Perry. Seven years old, Perry. And what would you like to know about little Perry? Um, I would like to know when my little brother. will become retarded. I'm sorry? I want to know when Terry? Yes.

We'll become mentally retarded. Okay, child. Is your, first of all, let me clarify. We don't use the word retarded, or the words, plural, mentally retarded. Well, I just used them and it seemed okay. Yes, child, but those are called politically. incorrect terms. So what we like to say is mentally challenged. Well, I like mentally retarded. Yes, I know what you like, my child, but let...

When will my brother be retarded, Dr. Debbie? Well, let me clear something up. Before we get back to the politically correct terms, you can't become mentally retarded. You just said mentally retarded, too. I'm quoting you, my child. Okay, but if you say mentally retarded and I say mentally retarded, doesn't mean everything's mentally retarded. Okay, stop the laughing. Okay. I've stopped it.

Now what? Now listen to me. Your child... What's the... Are you giggling, Dr. Debbie? No, child. I'm clearing my throat because you're getting, you're making me irritated. Well, it sounds like you're giggling, Dr. Debbie Timer.

I'm not giggling, child. I'm getting upset. Well, just because I want a retarded brother. You're not going to have a retarded brother, quote unquote, because children are born mentally challenged. They don't become retarded brother. Well, that's, that's, I don't know about that, Dr. Debbie, because I've been spraying my brother for 12 weeks. Excuse me, child? When my brother goes to sleep, I spray him, and he should be retarded by now. Okay, what do you mean you spray your little brother when he's a sleep, child?

Well, my dad has this stuff in the garage. Yes. And it says on the bottle. Yes. Retardant? What do you mean, child? Well, it says fire retardant. So your father has a jar of fire retardant?

I said a bottle. He has a bottle of fire retardant. Yes, it says retardant, right on it. Okay. So at night, when my brother's asleep, because we share the same bedroom. Okay. I spray retardant all over my brother, and I hope soon he's retarded.

Okay, why would you want a retarded brother, my child? Because I like the way they do stuff. What do you mean? I like the way retarded children play with apples and sticks. Okay, you know what? Mentally challenged children don't play with apples and sticks. Well, I've seen them in the park playing with sticks. and rocks, and sometimes they play with ants and put them on their foreheads.

Stop the fucking laughing, child. Oh, that was swelling. Your brother will not become mentally challenged. Retarded? Mentally challenged. Mentally retarded. Mentally challenged, child. Stop.

Are she yelling, Dr. Debbie? You're scaring me. Your brother will not become mentally challenged by you spraying retarded on him while he's asleep. Well, I've been spraying him for about 10 minutes for 12 weeks late at night when he's asleep. Okay, first of all, that's lethally dangerous, and second of all, spraying retardant on a person does not make them retarded. You are a fucking idiot. I don't like that talk. I'm going to tell my dad.

You tell your dad that you are a fucking idiot and you don't get a retarded child by spraying retardant on him. I'm going to hang up, and I'm going to tell my dad on you, Dr. Debbie Timer. I called you for help so I could have a mentally retarded brother and you're swearing at me. Stop the fucking laughing, you fucking idiot.

I'm hanging up, prick. Don't you call me... Hello? Hello. Okay, well, she hung up. She hung up and she couldn't have hung up soon enough. I want to apologize to all my listeners. That child, Samantha, is completely misinformed. What she's attempting to do is not logical.

It's not practical. And she's clearly not a well-educated child. And I'm just, as a specialist, as a life coach, I get so many calls in here from people who are dysfunctional and confused and mixed up. I don't think I've ever had anyone call in and say anything quite as disturbing and inappropriate, and I want to apologize. Well, she needs help. and I'm glad we've got her off the line totally misinformed I need to talk to my producer

who screens the calls and we'll be back shortly let's take a break who was that fucking idiot who was that who let that fucking idiot on the line

what do you mean we're still on disconnect me we're going to it we'll be back I'm doctor Debbie timer Oh boy Yikes What happened there, Roger? Where's timer?

She's gone to the ladies' room? I know, I've never heard of that upset. I don't blame her. That kid was like totally misinformed. Well, fire retardant is like It's like some kind of foamy spray that's used to suppress flames and reduce heat, and they use it as a, you know, a component to fight fires

and prevent fires from spreading and stuff like that. And this kid thought if you sprayed retardant on her little brother, he would become, pardon the term here, folks, but I'm just going from what I heard on the show, that her brother would become retarded? Oh, man. And why would the kid want to... I know.

It sounded like she wanted like a little play. She thinks mentally challenged kids are cute and thought it was like a play thing. Or that's just... I don't know who's raising that kid, but... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, well, let's go to some other stuff and we can get Dr. Debbie back later, I guess. She's up for it. She seemed very upset. And I don't blame her, man. That is inappropriate.

What is wrong with people? Aye, aye, aye, aye. Let's move on. to something uh something else let's let's uh let's test your uh i don't know if it's your honesty or if it's your uh frugleness or your cheapness or your uh your greediness i don't know what the term here is maybe it's all of them rolled into one maybe it's like a uh like a grinaola bar one of those health food food bars maybe it's all the things i mentioned rolled into one and more When you go to a fast food joint like Chipotle or Burger King or McDonald's or wherever you go, Taco Bell,

and you order your food and you say, oh, I'd like a medium drink or a large drink, like a soda or a pop, as I call it. They give you the glass and while you're waiting for your food, you go over to the pop machine and you fill it up with ice and then you fill it up with ice and then you fill it up with pop and you always want to get into it right away because you're thirsty and it tastes good so you start drinking it and you stick your straw in there

and you have a few gulps or maybe you're one of these people that do this before you put the lid on, you put the cup up to your mouth and take a few deep gulps. And why do you do it? Because you know that while you're standing there waiting, you're going to take a bunch of gulps and then stick your glass under and fill it up again.

That's right. You know you do it in. Some places it doesn't matter because it's all you can drink. But maybe there's some places where it's not all you can drink. But how many of you do it? How many do you think you're cheating the system or you're getting that extra thing? Or I ordered a medium, but I drank a medium and a half.

I ordered a medium, but I drank a large. and the largest are 28 cents extra. I just drank an extra 28 cents a pop. How smart am I? Right? And then you drink as much as you can while you're waiting for your food to come up and they're like 98, your food's ready, 98.

So you go over, you get your food, and what do you do? You walk back to the thing and top your drink off and go out the door. I'm not saying it's illegal. I'm not saying it's stealing. Some places maybe it is. Maybe some places don't allow refills, free refills.

But if they do, then who cares? But I guess it's more, it's not about trying to cheat the system in any way. It's just saying more about who are you? What are you thinking? How much pop can you ingest? How thirsty are you? Are you a camel? Are you a giant endless canvas water bag that needs to be filled up

while you cross the desert? Do you have an insatiable sweet tooth that you just need more, more, more liquid sugar, more, more. It looks like a hummingbird sucking nectar out of an endless flower. I don't know. Look, hey, I'm guilty.

You're looking at the guy who does it, man. I do it. You know what I love to do it, too, is when I just finish playing sports. Because sometimes what I'll do is I'll play sports. I go to the gym or play racquetball. And as I'm driving home between the gym and my house, guess what I do? I pull into a place.

I order some food. And my mouth is parched. I've been playing like four games of racquetball. I've sweated like eight pounds. I can barely breathe. My clothes are still drenched in sweat. Yeah, that's right. I don't shower at the gym.

I don't want to be a bunting round of. a bunch of strange men, especially in this day and age where there's perves everywhere. So I just get my car sweaty. You know, I'm only like 10 minutes from the gym, so I don't mind sitting in my car. It's a little uncomfortable. And I'm not going to let a little sweat. I'm one of those guys. I don't know about you, but when I sweat, I don't have the stink.

Some people sweat and they have the B.O. And it's like, whoa, I have a nice clean sweat. You could lick me after I sweat You wouldn't taste it You wouldn't smell it So anyways I roll into the fast food joints And well I'm waiting for my food Oh my God

You're looking at a guy that just burned 8 pounds of body liquid So I'm like I'm surprised I just don't stick my head Under the faucet there And just let the pop Just roll down my throat but I don't know. Is it bad? Is it good? Does it mean you're cheap? Does it mean you're greedy?

Does it mean your, who knows what it means? But it's an interesting thought. Maybe it should have been the question of the day. I don't know. Is it too late for that to be the question of the day, Raj? Okay, let's do it. We're going to put the bumper on the end. That was, are you a popmonger, is the Harlan Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway. Question of the day. What, he's on the line? Okay, I don't mind to put him on.

I'd like to talk to him. Hello. Hello, Debbie Tymer. Yes, this is Dr. Debbie Thimer, and I am, your life coach. No, what you are, ma'am, is about five seconds away from a harassment lawsuit. I'm sorry? Ah, this is, uh, this is, uh, Dale Stevenson. Yes, Mr. Stevenson.

And I believe you were just on the phone with my daughter, Samantha, or Sam, as I like to call her. Yes, Mr. Stevenson. And can I just tell you that your daughter was completely out of line when she... No, let me tell you who's out of line, okay, fuckface. It's you. Okay, how dare you? How dare you? Get on. the line and preach to a young child about how or how not she can have a little retard okay you see right there the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree I think we know where this child got her attitude towards the mentally challenged I don't know who you think you are thimer but my little girl when she wants something she gets it well I'm sorry sir you do not

Not call, first of all, you can't spray someone and make them mentally challenged. I believe it's called retarded. Now listen, when my little girl Samantha wanted an iPad, I sure she got her an iPad. Sir, can you watch your language, please? Fuck you, ass Wad. Okay, you know what? You heard me, fuck you, when my little girl wanted a fucking iPad, I got her an iPad. When my little girl wanted a red bicycle, I got her a goddamn red bicycle.

When my little girl wanted pink fucking curtains on her fucking bedroom window, I got her something fucking curtains, okay? Sir, you need to watch your language. And you need to shut your fucking crooked face timer, okay? Now, if my little girl, if my little Sammy wants a retarded brother, I'm going to get her a retarded. Brother, and if we have to spray that little bastard for four or five months, this retardant stuff, I'm goddamn, I'm going to make this work, okay? Sir, spraying a human being with fire retardant does not make them retarded. Says you, asshole. Now, if it doesn't work, I'm going back to Home Depot, and I got myself a bunch of receipts, okay? I got myself about $700

worth of the retardant receipts. And if I don't get my little Sammy a little retard brother in time for Christmas, well, I'm going back to Home Depot and I'm getting my money back for every fucking can I bought and there might be a lawsuit.

Sir, there's no lawsuit you cannot spray another human being with retardant and turn them into quote unquote a retard. Well, I'd like to spray a can of lugging retarding right down your throat lady because you sound like... Okay, you know what?

You have psychologically damaged your child. You've led her down a road where there may not be any recovery. Her perception of the mentally challenged is so skewed, so twisted that she may never... She may never, what, Thimer? How dare you? Have you ever sprayed a child? with retardant? Of course not.

Then how is a professional in the mental health care industry? How can you say without any hands-on goddamn experience that if you spray a human child with retardant for months, maybe even years, that they won't go retarded? Can you tell me unequivocally that that is a scientific medical fact? I haven't done any research. Exactly. You haven't done the research. You haven't taken the time to spray a child in its sleep like my daughter has.

Well, my little Terry, my little five-year-old son, sleeps soundly in his bed. My little Sammy wakes up and tiptoes across the room at two in the morning and sprays that child. She deuces that child with retardant in hopes that she can have a hand. happy little friendly friend to play with apples and sticks in the park. Is there anything wrong with that? Can you hear yourself, sir? Are you a fucking idiot? Okay, you know what?

I don't have to stay on the line and take this shit. What I'm doing is not illegal. What I'm doing is not... You know what, fuck you, I'm hanging up, you big-mouth fucking pumpkin bitch. I hope you have a retort... Hang up on him. Hang up. You smell like coalslaw.

You dirty. okay hang up on this fucking idiot oh my god you know what i need to go back to the ladies restroom i'm very upset i'm why aren't you screening these calls unacceptable oh my god i've got to go take a piss wow oh my god oh my god roger i've never dr devie just stormed the hell out of here i've never seen her so upset that was intense man you you know i thought the a kid was a bit off at the beginning of the show when he made that, or she made that crazy request

and then the father, you know, Dr. Debbie made an excellent remark. She goes, I think she said the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree and she couldn't be more right. I mean, it sounds like this father has no parenting skills at all and is actually endorsing, encouraging the child to spray her little brother with retardant at night. Just unbelievable, the people lurking in the suburbs and cities and towns of these across America.

And again, ladies and gentlemen, we apologize here at the show for such a sensitive topic and having those inappropriate people calling in and demeaning the mentally challenged and treating them like objects, like plush toys. you could buy it a Toys R Us or something. Completely insensitive and unacceptable. Thank God we have people like Dr. Debbie Timer in the world to set the record straight at least. I can't even begin to touch this sensitive topic.

Wow. Anyways, pretty dramatic way to end the show. And we will end it there because I just don't think anyone will be able to be able to be able to concentrate after that fiasco. Let's do some announcements. This is exciting, ladies and gentlemen. This is my first announcement of this.

I think you're going to like it. I am kicking off starting September 23rd. I will be kicking off my Comzilla stand-up comedy tour. Harland Williams Comzilla, destroying a city near you with laughter. How about that for a little? logo or catchphrase or whatever the hell it is. That's right.

It's going to be a stand-up comedy tour across Western Canada, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan. We're going to be doing theaters. We're going to be doing the Calgary Comedy Festival. The Calgary Comedy Festival is October 4th. Gorgeous theater. We're going to be doing other wonderful theaters and dates. throughout British Columbia and Alberta starting on September 23rd for two weeks straight through until October 4th.

Go to Harlan Williams.com right now, and all the venues have been posted. There actually might be a couple more coming, but the majority of them all have been posted. Dates, times you can pre-order your tickets right now on the Internet. All the links are up on my website. Get your tickets while you can. And you don't want to be disappointed. This happens all the time. People come out, oh, I wanted to go, and I waited too long, and it was sold out.

And I'm like, well, yeah, you waited too long. So I'm just encouraging you to get your tickets. Now it is going to be amazing. We're going to have some other comedians on the show, myself. It's going to be a blowout. It's going to be a blast. So check it out. Also, while you're there, check out the harlo-Williams.

com merchandise store where you can pick up movies and artwork and music and books and t-shirts and all kinds of fun stuff at my web store subscribe to my link, my YouTube link

where I post lots of wacky videos and if you subscribe you get a notification that I've put something new up and you get to see it before everyone else catches on A lot of fun stuff. And what else?

Feel free to call me. The phone number's there at the website. 323-739-43-43-30. You can call me and leave your insult, your praise, your love, your hate, whatever you want. Just you can call me up and tell me your nose is running if you want. I don't care. If we like your message, we put it on the show. How's that?

Or if you don't have the courage to leave a voicemail, you can write me at harlough williams.com and we encourage the ladies to start phoning the voicemail more. We seem to get 99% men phoning our voicemail, which is great, but, you know, we'd like to hear the women's point of view, a women's perspective on the show, and hear just, you know, hear from the ladies. We like to hear your sweet voices. I want to put more women up on the podcast, so don't be bashful, ladies. And listen to ATC, all things comedy, all things comedy.com, which is a podcast network where you can also find my show.

And, yeah, great stuff. Also, if you're at my site and you want to shop on Amazon, click on the Amazon link right there. Instead of going to Amazon.com, if you click on the link at my site, you still get right to Amazon. But we get a little tiny kickback here at the Harland Highway. And remember, I'm pretty much doing this show for free. And, you know, a little kickback helps us a little bit. So you'll be doing us a little favor as we continue to bring you this content at no charge. So we appreciate that if you have the wherewithal and can remember to do that.

And that is it, gang. Thank you for being here. And until next time, don't spray retardant on anybody. Just spray it right in. to your big bowl of chicken chameen baby you smell like coleslaw you dirty pit