The Harland Highway - 598 - DEAD JULIA CHILDS, Phone calls from listeners, brainwashing music.

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

Our favorite chef Dead Julia Childs drops by with BBQ advice. Phone calls from the Pavement Pounders, and a little diddy that is sure to stay in your head. Pump your lump!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You ready, Steve? Andy? Mick? Okay. All right, fellas. Let's come! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You ready, Steve?

Yeah. Ready, Mick? Yeah. That guy was a little fruity. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Harlan Williams, your host. And what a show we have today, man. We're going to be taking a lot of calls from you, the pavement pounders today.

Kind of clear out the voicemail box a little bit. We're also going to be talking to an incredible chef with some summer barbecue treats. Dead Julia Childs will be dropping by. to aid us with our barbecuing this summer. And also, I'm going to brainwash you with a little ditty that I think you'll be singing for the next few days. So, yeah, it's all about mind control here at the Harland Highway. Not bad mind control.

We just want you to laugh and have a good time because that's our M.O. here, the Harland Highway. So sit back, put some spaghetti on your head. This is the Harland Highway. Highway. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. I am out here for you.

You don't know what it's like to be me out here for you. It's like I picked the wrong week. We're smoot. I'm funny how. I mean funny like I'm a clown. I amuse you. Like what's in the wrong week. Quit drinking.

I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. I'd buy that for a dollar. What was it we had for dinner tonight? Well, we had a choice. Steak, fish. Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

It's like I picked the wrong week to quit am fit of me. It's not a thought for Samantha thing to sign. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I picked the wrong week. Quit shniff and brew. Well, guess what, everybody. If I told you I could read the future. If I could read your future, would you believe me? Probably not, but you should.

Because I'm about to tell you something that's going to happen in your future that you haven't done yet, but I'm almost 100% sure you're going to do it. And here it is. You are going to listen to this little musical riff, and somewhere in the next 24 hours, you are going to catch yourself singing it or humming it to yourself. You know Never believe it's not so

It's magic You know Never believe it's not so Now am I an evil wizard Am I some kind of sorcerer? Am I a witch that needs to be burned at the stake? Maybe How do I know these things?

I don't know. I just do. I think over the next 24 hours, you will catch yourself humming that little ditty. That's all I'm going to say. So let's move on with the show, whatever, so I can read the future. Whoopi do. Should I go buy a lottery ticket? Yeah, maybe. Maybe I will.

Maybe I'll be a millionaire tomorrow. I do what I want. I'm a soothsayer. I'm a witch. He he he. I'm a witch. See? I just did witch stuff.

So there. Just thought you'd know. But for now it is summertime. And I think, you know, we were talking last podcast about barbecuing and whatnot. And what a great time of year to get the barbecue out and eat. And there's probably no better chef in the world. a connoisseur, a gourmet chef who knows more about cooking and preparing food than dead Julia Child. So let's bring her in here.

Dead Julia Childs giving us some barbecue treats. Oh my, what a treat to be here and up out of the grave. Hello, Julia. Hello, Harlan. Great to have you here. Thanks for coming by the podcast. anything to crawl out of that hole in the ground and scrape the maggots off my face.

Okay, let's not go there. Well, it's a little late for me to not go there. I've been dead for 14 years. Okay, Julie, well, listen, it's barbecue season. I'll tell you where it's barbecue season. Down in hell. There's always flame. Okay, can we just focus, please?

Well, you don't have to get snippy with me, Dildo face. Okay, Julia, let's get to a dish. What have you got for? Something that people can enjoy in the summertime, maybe throw on the barbecue. Excellent, excellent suggestion, Ireland. Okay, what is it? Well, have you ever heard of a pulled pork sandwich? A pulled pork sandwich?

Yes, I do believe I have. Well, that's something that's very popular. Down in the south. Yes, down in the south, they have a liking for the pulled pork sandwich. Is that what you're going to tell us how to prepare today? Well, something like that, Harland. It's not exactly the pulled pork sandwich. Okay, well, what is it?

I call it the pulled dork sandwich. The pulled dork sandwich. Yes, it's absolutely wonderful. What you do is you invite your friends over for a barbecue. Okay. When everyone's standing around the barbecue, you look for the biggest loser in the group. All right.

I don't know if I like where this is going. Well, you better like it because it's going to be delicious. All right, how do you make the pulled dork sandwich? Well, you look for the biggest loser in the group, walk up, whip his pants down, grab his dork, stretch it across the barbecue grill, and hammer it with a sledgehammer. Oh, my God, Julia, that's what I said when I tasted it.

Oh, my God, this pulled dark sandwich is nothing short of Spentacular. Spentacular. That's what I said. What have you got bone marrow in your ears? Well, I know you don't have any bone marrow. Hey, let's not get personal here. All right, so you stretch their dork across the barbecue, and you smash it with a sledge,

or a stick or even an oar from a boat. Oh my God. That sounds harmful, dangerous, and darn near fatal. Well, who cares? Nothing beats a delicious pulled dark sandwich in the middle of this summer. Oh, my God. My leg just fell off. Uh-oh, Julia. That's a clear sign. I better get back to the graveyard. All right, Julia, well, thanks for your tip. Enjoy your pulled dork sandwich, Harlan. Thank you, Julia, dead Julia Childs. There she goes. Pull it.

Yes, thank you, Julia. A pulled dork sandwich. I don't think anybody's going to try that, but... Oh, I think you should. It's very magical. It's very what? Magical. Uh-oh.

You know Never believe it's not so It's magic You know Never believe it's not so Hello Harlan Thank you so much for having campfire

To me back on the podcast That was one of the funniest things things I've ever heard in my life, I was literally crying in my cubicle and people were coming up and they thought they could console me, but I could not be consoled. And that was awesome. Thank you so much, dude. You're the best. Bye. Well, I'm glad you're happy. Look, that's our job here to, you know, have the podcast and hopefully you guys are happy, but I'm not happy. As much as you may like that bratty kid, I hate his, I'm going to use the F word, okay?

I don't use it that often as you guys know. I'm going to use it. I hate that fucking kid Timmy. Campfire Timmy. I wish he'd go canoeing and a fucking giant fucking northern pike jumps through the bottom of his canoe and puts a hole in it. And that kid gets eaten alive by pike and leeches suck his blood out. and minnows eat his skin and crabs. Freshwater crabs feast on his fat, freckly face.

I hate that fucking Timmy. Thank you so much for having Camp Fire Timmy back on the podcast. Well, I hate to sound like a dick, but you're not welcome, okay? I don't want him here. I have to put him on. He's the nephew or the son or somebody of my freaking boss, Mr. Featherstone. and the kid can't sing. He doesn't know songs.

He's just a giant, chubby, freckle-faced knob. And I don't mean to sound aggressive with my listeners, with the pavement founders. I thank you for calling in, but I can't be on the same page with you with this one. I ho Timmy gets a hole in his boat and burns straight all the way to hell and his fat blubber sizzles like a, fat piece of fat on a barbecue dripping through the grill and sizzling on the coals

and his fat fucking freckles sizzle all over the fucking fat fucking barbecue so I can spray some fat fucking lighter fluid all over that fucking chubby fucked up fucking campfire fuck thank you at least at least your call prompted me to get all that inner turmoil out Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh. Hello? Hello. Hi, this is I'm from Newport Beach. not a pavement powder, more a follower of the asphalt nation contingencies. So I want to thank you for the last, except when you talk about politics.

I'm sorry, this is who? Hi, this is Hiram from Newport Beach. Who? Haram. Har? No, say it again. I'm not getting it. Hi, it is harm from Newport Beach.

Higharm? Haram. Harm? Harm? Harm. Okay, I'm not getting it. Say your message again because I got. hung up on your name, harm, high arm, ha.

Maybe you got to enunciate a little more, but say your message again, because I've forgotten it already. Do you want to thank you for the last, except when you talk about politics? See, now that sounded like your name there, more drawn out. Well, see, this is a quandary for me, and high arm, harum, harem, I'm sorry I can't get your name. name. You said it too fast. I don't like talking about politics because politics is so

subjective and there's no right or wrong answer. And I've listened to people talk about politics on the radio and on podcasts and stuff. And I never like it because more often than not, all you get is the one point of view from the person that's talking about it. And there's no one else on my show to debate it with. So you've got to sometimes, unfortunately, suffer through it comes down to just my opinion and uh and sometimes i just can't stop it i don't want to talk about politics i want to just do funny crazy stuff and have a laugh but every now and then i guess i'm a socially aware socially conscious guy and sometimes stuff just gets in my head and i start talking on my podcast and it's like it's it's bursting to come out it's like it's like

fighting to come out just like your name is fighting to come out and I'll be totally honest high arm every time I do a segment that involves me spouting off about politics I get to the end of the show and I go oh god should I erase it why did I do that why did I you know half of what I said is probably wrong or misinformed or uneducated or very opinionated or one-sided and I go Oh, why did I put it on? But then something in me goes, you know what? This podcast is about me doing the best I can to get my opinions and messages and ideas and thoughts and ideas across.

And so I go, you know what, maybe I'm going to come off as an idiot. Maybe I'm going to come off as uneducated. Maybe I'm going to come off as wrong. But I got to represent me. The podcast has to represent me, and so I leave the stuff in, and whenever I talk about politics, and I've said this a million times before, so I won't go long on it, I try to make it more about offering ideas and suggestions than I do going, well, the Democrats are crap, or the Republicans are crap, or abortion's wrong, or same-sex marriage is right, or, you know, I try not to go rate down. one side but I try to offer up kind of both sides because like I said I don't have

anyone here to debate with and I don't know that I want to debate with anyone sometimes it feels good just to get it all out you know what I mean high arm exactly so I hope that throughout my my rare rants about politics because it is part of my fabric and this podcast is part of my fabric I hope that within you having to suffer through them. Maybe there's something in there that sticks with you, or maybe there's something in there that inspires an idea or a change of thought or an agreement of thought. I don't know. And just when I think I shouldn't put anything political in, I get phone calls from people that are the opposite of you that are like, oh, my God, I never thought of that. And oh, my God,

what a great point. And so I feel like I can't win. And I don't win. can't lose doing it and i hear what you're saying buddy and i i try to limit it but uh i hope i hope even when you're hating it maybe there's something in it that that that inspires a thought or an idea or something so there you go i'll try and keep an eye on it my friend and uh you know let's let's let's move on shall we because i don't know if i'm good at at it or bad at it, but I just try. I try to get it out there. So come on, let's take another call. Maybe someone else likes my talk about politics. Last point, I don't try to be political. As you said, I like to talk about politics, but I don't try to be like, if you watch Bill Maher,

he's kind of one-sided and just talks about politics through the prism of what he wants in the world and what he thinks is right. And he's very one-sided. We all know he's very liberal and democratic, and I try not to lean either way, just so I can have my listeners, like, kind of make up their own decisions, and I just throw ideas at the wall. All right, I'm moving on. I got you. Hello? Hello. Hello, Harlan, my good earbug friend. I listen to you, and I love you to death.

I can't help but like you tremendously. all your vittles and vitals. But I was calling to a comment about the thing he said about minimum wage was so struck a nerve. Six, seven, eight dollars an hour translates to $16,000 a year before taxes, blah, blah, blah. But pittance, pure pittance. And the thing that you hit upon that no one else does is that raising that amount, to a livable amount, it doesn't necessarily mean

that Burger Kings and Wendy's and McDonald's have bought a business in their spreadsheets might suffer a little tad, and that doesn't mean Jack, you know? I watched, you know, Bill Maher, I like shows that

kind of question the idea of moving the minimum wage up and all the Republican response. and the rich people's responses, that's going to create, you know, that's going to kill jobs, create, you know, unemployment and whatnot. And you, now, the only thing that no one else ever says,

and I used to scream at my TV for Bill Maher to say, why don't you ask these people, why can't the billion-dollar companies make less profit? And you nailed it on the head. You said, instead of making $40 million billion dollars, Burger King or Walmart can make $30 billion, you know, they can pay their employees a livable wage. So no one to ever answer that question in my estimation. And see, there's an example of, and by the way, that caller, for whatever reason, their phone call got cut off. I don't know if they had too much of a silent spot or something,

and then the answering machine disconnected or whatever happened, but that's kind of, they got cut off there, so I apologize about that. But there's an example when I did that whole rant a few weeks ago about minimum wage. I was kind of like, I'm speaking from the heart. I'm talking about how I feel about it, but maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe I should I put it in there?

I actually thought about going in and deleting. it and I thought, no, I'm going to leave it. And like I said earlier, High Arm, sorry, that some people love it, some people hate it, so you can never win, so I just got to do it. And there you go, but I don't do it a lot. So to you, my friend. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Harlan, this is Zachary from the great city of Indianapolis. I just call and let you know it's called multiple times Anyways for the past Like three or four months or so I've been I've been listening to all the old episodes

Getting caught up to present day When new ones released I go ahead and listen to those ones Because they're awesome Anyways I only have like Six more episodes then I'm just caught up And only can listen to them Like twice a week when release them Really sucks because you're awesome

So I am and I'm sure most of the pavement ponderers would greatly appreciate if maybe you could kick that up to three shows a week. If you could do that, that'd be great. Until next time, Chalmane, baby. Oh, Zachary, Zachary, Zachary, Zachary, thank you, first of all, for your kind words. Very, very wonderful of you to say those things.

And, you know, Zachary, there was a long time. In fact, there was many years. I think I've been doing this for about five years, and I think the first two and a half years, I did do three shows a week. And, oh, my gosh, it was a lot, a lot of work. And it's just too, too much for me to go back to three. I actually regretfully had to cut down to two

just because these shows take a lot of time and a lot of work. And, you know, it's not like I'm making a penny off of these. darn things and so i just have to i have to do them when i can do them and uh boy i you know i've said to friends before i said man if i could just stop everything i'm doing and make the podcast my daily job where i came in and put in eight nine ten hours a day and did the podcast every day or even three times a week and i could put so much time into it oh my god i would be in heaven believe me the new characters i would create the new the new situations i would come up with it would be i would be in i would be in fantasy playland heaven believe me uh but yes there was a long

time when i did three shows a week it's just too grueling for me my friend um but uh hopefully maybe one day as uh you know things uh go one way or another maybe this becomes my uh my full-time job or something, I don't know. So, but for now, for me, uh, two seems to be the magic number. Wait a minute. Did I just say what I think I said? Did I just say two was the magic number? Oh, whoa, ho.

It's magic. You know, never believe it's not so. It's magic. Never believe it's not so Hey Harland I was just listening to your show It's Dr. Debbie Timer And I think I'm on the same page with her

On the word retard I never understand it If you just tart it right the first time You won't have to retard anything Love the show Chicken Chowman, baby Wait a minute, what was that If you

If you just tart it first the right time? You never have to retard anything. What, whoa, whoa, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what was that? If you just tarred it right the first time, you won't have to retard anything. Wait, just the first time? The first time. Wait, wait, wait. Do what the first time? Tart it right the first time. Okay, and then I what?

You won't have to retard anything. Really? I won't have to tard nothing. Anything. Wow, that's amazing, dude. You won't have to retard anything. How did I not know that? Wow. Hello.

Hello. Well, then, it's your old buddy Stevie. Now, I say old buddy, even though we haven't met. That's because I love everything that you do on your show. You're a funny man. You're a thoughtful man. You're an intelligent man. You have a wonderful, crazy wit.

And to me, you're at your funniest when you're cracking. yourself up. I just had to turn off Dr. Debbie Timer to call you because I was laughing my nuts off because you were laughing at yourself. It was great. Thanks. Keep it up. Well, thank you so much. You know, and I got to say

it is, you know, I don't write these skits out. You know, I don't know what other podcasts do. I don't know if they have writers. I don't know if these guys who do skits or comedy bits sit down and write them out on a computer or print them up. I literally make them up as I go. I jump back and forth from voice to voice. I just go, man.

And that's why sometimes some of them are good. Sometimes some of them suck. But what's always funny to me is I never know what the hell I'm going to say now. And so sometimes one of the characters in my head jumps out with some line or some saying or some noise or some sound. I had no idea it was coming. And I end up cracking myself up because it just comes out of the gate. It comes out of nowhere, man. And so when I start laughing during my bits, it's because I really caught myself off guard with my own.

retarded material. You won't have to retard anything. So it makes me feel so good to know that that gives you a kick. Because the reality is it's a bit of a mistake. It's a bit of a screw-up. You're not supposed to be laughing through your own bits, right? So the fact that it makes you guys laugh is even more fun. So, you know, I try to contain myself, but sometimes it just happens.

And to be honest, those moments, they're a little bit rare, but, you know, when they do happen, I got to say they're really kind of magical. Uh-oh. Oh, no. They're really kind of what? Oh. Oh, ho, ho, it's magic. You know, never believe it's not so. It's magic.

You know, never believe it's not so. Never believe it's not so. And that gets us to the end of the magical show. And as I predicted, well, as I predict, you will be saying our singing, little ditty and uh you can phone me and let me know if i if it got to you if you were brainwashed by it 323 739 4330 and as you can see we dedicated most of today's show to your phone calls so they do get through i don't play them all i play the ones that uh you know i kind of like or the ones that are funny or who knows it's random don't phone me and try and figure out what i like and

don't like it's it's just it's just harems scare them it's it's all over the place i love hearing from you guys i i never know what you're going to say i never know what you're going to do and uh it's really awesome getting your phone calls again i'm going to encourage the lady listeners to phone in i'm i'm starting to wonder if i have lady listeners i mean every now and then i get a lady listener calling in but it's it's like 95% men calling in and five percent women Maybe one of you guys has to call in and do a girl's voice or something, because I'm, I'm starting to worry here. I mean, we all like the ladies.

We want to hear from the ladies. Hello, ladies. So, get on it. It's 3-2-3-739-4330. Love getting your calls. Love it that you're digging the show. And like I said, like that one listener said, don't be afraid to, uh, haul me out on the stuff you don't like either.

Because I can handle it, man. I can handle it. I can handle it. You can't say nothing that makes me upset. Nothing. I can handle it. Okay, enough. Anyways, that's our show for today.

Thank you for being here, gang. Tell your friends to get on the highway, will you? They're missing out on all this. fun all the fun we have here and they're missing out on all my politics let me tell you the way the country should be run now abortion no wait same section no wait um the war in iraic no anyways um but tell your friends to get on the highway uh also you can write to me at harlem williams dot com if you have any comments if you're afraid to leave a voicemail just go to harlewilms dot com and you'll see the contact us icon at the top of the home page.

You'll also see my stand-up comedy tour schedule doing a huge tour called Comzilla, destroying your city with laughter. The Harlow Williams Comzilla comedy tour going through Saskatchewan, Alberta, and British Columbia, starting the end of September, early October. Please go on the website and get your tickets, It's all the dates have internet links to them. You can reserve your tickets. They're already selling fast, so get on it.

We're like a month and a half away. So join in the Comzilla comedy tour. Also, you can check out the Harland Williams merchandise store there at the website. And also click on the YouTube icon where you've become a subscription. to my YouTube videos, there's no hook, there's no catch, there's no fees, it's just whenever I put up a wacky video, you get to be the first to see it. And hopefully, you know, brightens up your day, gives you a little laughter in your life. That's what we're doing here, gang.

One, I'm not talking politics, of course. So there you go. Thanks again for being here. Keep those calls coming. Keep those letters coming. And until next time, everybody, I'm Harlan Williams and chicken. Chalmy, baby. Thanks.

Keep it up.