The Harland Highway - 605 - Flaming birds, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, titty wrinkles!

Episode Date: September 1, 2014

Birds are lighting up in flames over the skies, why? Do you really know your friends and what they do? Let's talk about lube and butter. Unplug my rug!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Under the B-5, under the B-5, that is a bingo. Not possible. It's the first letter I called. What is wrong with me? I don't know. Welcome, everybody. It's the Harland Highway. I am your host, Harlan Williams, on this wacky podcast. Cookey show today, we are going to be talking about things that you might not believe. about your own friends. Do you really know everything your friends do, your acquaintances? Do you really know where they work, where they sleep, where they play? I had an eye-opening encounter with one of my friends,

and you'll hear all about it on the show today. Also, we're going to be talking about birds that literally light on fire in mid-air. You're not going to believe this story. It's sad, but it's true. and it's so ridiculous, it's laughable. So stick around for that. Also, we have a call from a pavement ponder who, I guess, likes to use lube and likes to stick his tallywacker into strange things.

That's all I'm going to say about that right now. You'll have to listen to the show to see what he has to say. So here we go. Put your lube on. It's the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan. Funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff.

Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience. Intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't let me do it. I'll do it, I swear to God.

Don't be such a fucking pussy. They're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Harland, it's Shady Dog again, man. Hey, listen, I love your news stories. I think they are awesome

So I was thinking Because your show Is the best So it makes it even better When you tell us a crazy news story So you should have every show Just a suggestion I hope you're doing okay man

Later bro Don't be such a fucking pussy The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird Wow That's strange stuff Okay this story

Is both crazy And funny and funny and sad at the same time. Oh, my, gaggaggagg, god, da. I mean, we all love nature, right? We all love the little critters out there in the world, right? Right, right, right, gang? And we're all part of the Green Movement.

We all want to save the planet, right, right, right, right, right, right, gang. But what happens when the Green Movement crosses wires with the critters and, well, just go ahead and listen to this crazy news story. Solar energy is celebrated, of course, within the green movement, but this latest cutting-edge technology in solar power plants has some environmentalists raising red flags, with new fears that the concentrated rays of light are igniting some birds midair.

It's an engineering marvel in the Mojave, one of the world's biggest solar power plants, producing enough energy for 140,000 homes. But Ivanpaw, as it's called, near the California-N-Nevada border, is also producing an unintended consequence, with its reflected rays, singeing birds melting their feathers and causing them to drop from the sky. They're often referred to as streamers for the plume of smoke they leave behind. Rising out of the California desert is a project that's really going to be a marvel of the modern age. This 2013 video promotes Ivanpaw's state-of-the-art solar technology, where 300,000 garage-door-sized mirrors focus the sun's rays. on giant towers in the desert.

Federal wildlife officials say the $2.2 billion plant may act as a mega trap for wildlife, with a reflected light attracting bugs that in turn attract birds that fly to their death in the rays intense heat. Like a kid might use a magnifying glass on the sidewalk to superheat an ant. When birds fly near the tower,

they can experience temperatures of up to 900 degrees Fahrenheit. The same problem does not exist at traditional solar plants where the heat heat is less concentrated. How many birds have died remains unclear. Ivan Paw reported a total of 321 bird deaths in the first six months of this year, but an environmental expert estimates the numbers likely much higher, up to 28,000 a year. Federal wildlife officials want to know just how big the problem is. In a statement to NBC News, N Archie Energy, one of Ivan Paw's owners says it takes this issue very seriously, adding the company's gone to great lengths to investigate and minimize

wildlife impacts. Still, with major companies looking to build more massive solar power plants in the same region, environmentalists are urging caution. We should wait until we actually have enough data from the one project that is operating to see exactly what the impacts are, how many birds we're talking about, and if there's anything we can actually do about it. You know, a lot of times it feels like these giant solar power fields they may pass driving through the desert or in the middle of nowhere, but environmentalists are worried that they're being built right alongside national parks and wildlife preserves where birds and other species may be threatened. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, everybody? Happy Thanksgiving is what I'm thinking, okay?

Release flocks of wild turkeys, have them fly over Solar City and let the folks stand on the other side with. fishing nets. Are you kidding me? You can bag a rotisserie turkey right out of the air. Come Thanksgiving. Blu-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-h-h-h-h-h-h. I got a 17-pounder, Mabel. Yeah!

Oh, my God. I'll tell you what, if I was a fox or a raccoon or something or a lion? I'd just be wandering around through the solar panels, eating up barbecued treats. I mean, it's not often in nature. Predators get their food cooked. They're always eating raw birds and raw zebras and blood squirting everywhere. What a treat to have a finely rotisserie sparrow fly down into your mouth. You see some of these animals getting picky.

Oh, excuse me, this blue jay isn't done quite enough. I'm going to throw it back up into the sky and let it sizzle. Holy smokes. And I guess I shouldn't laugh. I mean, I love birds. I love nature, but you got to feel for the bird because it doesn't know. At what point, at what point does it know it's on fire? It's been flying around its whole life.

Now my mother told me as long as I don't get close to the sun, I'll be fine. I can fly anywhere I want, just don't fly too close to the sun. So here's a flock of seagulls flying, you know, 200 feet off the ground. Fried, sizzle, freshly cooked. I don't know, man, maybe a solar panel field should be. be sponsored like Kenny Rogers Roasters or KFC should get into the solar panel business, man. KFC could just put solar panels on the roof of all their restaurants and have a flume or some kind of a big duct or a shoot.

And these damn birds come flying over the city, though, those pigeons that we all hate. They go flying over the KFC. see. Sizzle. They hit the roof. They slide into the flume right down through the roof, plop, right onto the trays. Your meal, sir? Excellent. Would you like coalslaw, sir?

Yes, please. I mean, this could be a windfall for the poultry industry. Chick-fil-A? Hello. Excuse me, waiter. Yes? I'm sorry, but this is

Chick-fil-A, right? Yes. I'm sorry, this, this... I got a number one, which is a chicken breasty and a bun with a pickle. Yes? Well, I'm sorry, this tastes a lot like a fresh loon, sir.

So? well now that you put it that way it's kind of delicious do you have any ostrich yes how about blue heron yes do you say anything else but yes no um so there you go man and look at you know me i'm a nature guy but uh you know there's something a little goofy and funny about the birds flying along and I like that thing where they start smoking first. Just flying along.

Hey, Harry, do you smell smoke, man? Yeah, man, now that you mention it, I do. Yeah, now that you mention it, my ass feels kind of hot. Do you have any sunscreen? Ah! Sizzle! Now, forget about the birds, gang. What about us, us human beings?

It ever occurred to anyone when you've got, I don't know if you've seen these solar fields they have, but they are, think of the biggest cornfield you've ever seen in your life, or a giant field of wheat. Okay, it goes on for acres and acres and acres. Huge. Well, now they've got these giant fields out in the middle of the desert because there's nothing there filled with solar panels. These things go on for as far as the eye can see. all these reflective panels and I'm thinking wait a minute what if we get so many that even though we're absorbing the heat from the sun we're also reflecting so what if we're like beaming back the sun's heat right at it

and it causes the sun to overheat and blows up are you kidding me man I mean, do we want the world to end just so we can stay a little warmer on a crispy fall night? Speaking of crispy, would you mind passing those crispy cardinal legs, please? Yes, and those sandpiper wings look delicious. Are those freshly cooked? Oh, poor little birds. Well, I don't know, folks. Be careful out there. If it's a nice sunny day, wear a helmet. carry a baseball glove, and don't worry about making lunch reservations.

Ra! Friva made you feel right. But I must admit you've got the best of me. Getting down, so deep to put it down. I can't get back the way I used to be. Hello? Hello? Hey, Holland.

This is Brent from the mountains. I just listened to one of your older episodes about wingwangs going in unique areas. And I had a story related. I had a date with an almost supermodel type chick. And we needed some lube. And I used butter and was really big in this chick in more ways than one. And the next day she had to go to the doctor for kidney stones. And I'm wondering if the butter has something to do with it.

it or not. And I think she was kind of superstitious and thought that it was a sign that she got kidney stones or something similar and thought that that was a sign that we shouldn't see each other anymore because I ever heard back from her after that. And I can't believe it's not butter. And I can't believe it's not butter or I can't believe it was better. I don't I can't believe it's not bothered Thanks Tell me I can't believe it's no bother

Oh god Geez man That that's always weird The whole lube thing's a weird Proposition to me It's just odd You know they make Lubricants to

You know They make lubricants to Lube up You know Airplane wheels and engine parts And elevator doors And escalators And rocket ships

It's just a little weird that you would use a lubricant on a human body. But I guess it's done. I guess people do it. You know. And I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, dude. You know, she never saw you again. She got kidney stones. Wow.

Wow, wow, wow. You know, that is super stitches. I guess if you lubes someone up and do them, To the point where they have a physical ailment the next morning, it might be time to move on. It's like, hi, Janice, how was that last night for you? Oh, it's pretty good, David. I think I have SARS.

Yeah, that sounds like something I do. I make love so hard, I give you SARS. Yeah. So why do I sound like? the dude and you sound like the girl. I don't know. I guess I got it backwards. Maybe I made love so hard. I slapped the genders out of us. Yeah, I guess so. Whoops. Sorry, guys. I got my voices fixed up there. I can't believe it's not bother. I can't believe it's not bottom. Speaking of lubes and all that, I saw this guy, Fabio, recently. Okay, remember he, he was big in the

80s. I think he did the, I can believe it's not barter. In the 80s, I think. Maybe he carried through the 90s. And he's the big tall dude, the Swedish-looking dude with the long hair, the Farah Fawcett hair. And I'm telling you, man, I saw this guy about, I don't know, six, seven months ago at a restaurant in Hollywood. And he's still sporting the same deal, man. He had the jean shirt. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, with the top five buttons undone so you can see his cleavage, he still had the blonde, long hair going. I mean, I was at a restaurant, and I was just tempted to, you know, take a roll out of the bread basket and butter this bun and just wait till he looked over at me and then bite into the buttered roll.

And after about my third bite, just look at Fabio and go, I can't believe it's not butter. I can't believe it's not butter. What a strange obsession of all the things, you know, people struggle with believing in God, believing in the afterlife, believing in marriage, believing in gay marriage, believing in interracial marriage, believing in this, believing in that, believing there's a heaven, believing there's a hell, and this long-haired Swedish freak, all he's worried about, all he can't figure out if he believes that it's butter or not. I can't believe it's not butter. Jeez, man. He's like the butter terminator. I can't believe it's not barter. Get down.

Get down. Asta la vista, baby. I can't believe it's not butter. I'll be back for more barter. Get down. I must terminate your butter. What the hell? He should be the next Terminator, man.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's too old. Let's get Fabio as the new Terminator. Just before he kills everybody, I've come from another dimension to take care of you. I can't believe you're not barter. I can't believe it's not barter. Get down. Get down. I can't believe it's no bother.

I can't believe it's no bother. I can't believe it's not bother. These were taken at the West Highland Police Station, 1984. You were there. Same bottle. I can't believe it's no bother. These were taken today. You have to let me see my son.

He's in great danger. I can't believe it's not bother. New mission. I can't believe it's not bother. Once, he was programmed to destroy the future. I don't know what it's like to try to kill one of these things. I can't believe it's no battle. His mission is to protect it.

Mom! Come with me if you want to live. I can't believe it's not bother. You're really real. His loyalty is to a child. Who sent you? You did. 35 years from now.

And he's enemy. He's a terminator like you, right? Not like me. It's the deadliest machine ever built. Can I have been? Can I be destroyed? Unknown. This time, there are two.

Terminator 2. I can't believe it's not bothered. You just can't go around killing people. Why? If you thought you had seen it all. I can't believe it's not bothered. Look again. I can't believe it's no bother.

Stay down. Go now! I can't believe it's no bother. I can't believe it's not bottom. I can't believe it's no bottom. Trivenator 2, Judgment Day. This time he's back. We're good.

Trust me. I can't believe it's not bottom. Yeah, I can't believe I just did that segment. How annoying is that? Sometimes it's hard to know what to believe, though, isn't it, pavement pounders? Here's an interesting story that happened to me, to moi, if you're French. Moi is me in French, thank you very much. And sometimes it's hard to believe you don't know things about people you hang around with,

or sometimes it's hard to believe when you find out things about people you hang around with. Case and point, I have a close buddy, and he's very social. He has lots of friends in his inner circle, and I'm a little bit the opposite. I have kind of a small, select group of friends, but one of my best friends has a big social net. He has a big group of people that he hangs around with. And so subsequently, I hang around with his close buddies from time to time. And as a result, over the years, I've gotten closer to these good folks. And I've become friends to them as well, and vice versa.

I'm probably not as close as my buddy who's the direct contact to them. But nonetheless, we end up, it seems, a few times. a year, socializing, having fun, going to concerts, you know, pool parties. And, you know, as you get to hang around with people, you get to know them more and little tidbits about their lives and their occupations and their habits and their personalities start to leak through. And there's this one couple in particular, a really nice couple that is a friend I would call them a friend of mine now

but initially a friend of my main buddy there and over the years I've known them probably man I must be going on 10 years maybe more maybe 12 and over the years I've gotten to know little bits and pieces about them and their life and their relationships and what they do for a living and stuff like that and I knew they kind of like dabbled in the real estate world,

and I knew that they kind of sold stuff over the internet, but I was never really totally informed. I just kind of had little snippets here and there. And so recently I was kind of in a position where we were all hanging out, and I thought, you know, I'm going to ask them what they do, like full out. I'm curious about their lives. I'm curious about them, and I'm like, I want to know what it is they do exactly, because we hang around and I'm not entirely sure.

So it turns out, yes, they work in the real estate field. They bought up like a bunch of houses, and they rent them over, you know, on the east coast of the United States. They make money renting these homes, legitimate business, Bing, Bang, Boom. And then they said, yeah, and we also sell beauty products on the United States. internet and i was like oh that's interesting you know there's this kind of uh regular folks nice folks uh making a living hanging out having fun having a beer telling jokes laughing and i got the whole uh husband and wife doing the real estate thing but then when i heard the beauty

product thing that threw me a little bit and i thought okay well maybe the wife but the hubby's running the beauty thing, the beauty product thing. And so I got inquisitive. I said, well, how does it work? He says, well, we found this beauty product, and it's quite unique. And we basically sell it on Amazon and sell it on a website, and it does really well for us. And it's a great product. And I go, oh, what is this product?

And I'm starting to realize, you know, there's stuff about these folks that I've been mingling with that I don't know. and here's what they sell. It's a beauty product that basically prevents titty wrinkles. Yeah, I know. Take a deep breath. It's a beauty product that goes, you ladies will probably know what I'm talking about immediately. And guys, you probably seem,

but on the older, as women get older, the area on their chest just above the cleavage, not in the cleavage, but just above, right on your chest where your chest plate is. You know, but beneath your Adam's apple and before your cleavage, there's that flat chest area and then just kind of going just down into the top of the cleavage, women can very often get wrinkles in there.

And you've all seen. them, you know, the little wrinkles. It looks like a dry desert river bed or something. It's nothing hideous, but it's something that happens as women get older. And I guess one of the causes from it is when women sleep sideways in bad. It causes all the skin to kind of fold over each other, like a Sharpay or something. And it causes wrinkles. And so when they're going about their day, they just, you know, if they've got their

They've got a low, uh, low cut dress or shirt or whatever it is. You can see these, these kind of crevasses, just kind of tapering down into the cleavage area on the, on the chest plate. And, uh, I guess they're not really titty wrinkles. They're like, they're like chest wrinkles, but, um, you know, obviously nobody wants big wrinkles. They're, they're unattractive. So these, these, uh, people that I know, these friends of mine, They sell these things called silk skin decollet pads. Never heard the word decollet before.

It sounds like a delicious French pastry. Excuse me, monsieur, a three decolette, if you please. Yes, yes. It's good with a grande titi wrinkle. Yes. 5 decolette Now Le Grand Titty Rinkle

If you please Merci, Monsieur Thank you very So it's this pad That you put on your chest It's reusable for up to 30 days So I guess you can put it on your chest For 30 days

And eliminate your titty wrinkles Or whatever you want to call them And here's what these pads do it says this is what our pads do our silk skin decollette pads are designed to present chest wrinkles caused by sleeping on your side by aging and from sun damaged prolonged use of our decollect pads will help return chest skin to a more youthful and supple appearance it's a solution so simple to use you can use it while you sleep and then they have a picture on the the old before and after picture.

And the before picture on the left shows it. It looks like, you know, sometimes you see those pictures from Mars. You know, they show the pictures from up above from the satellites. And if you look down on Mars, you can see all the dry riverbeds, and clearly there was water on the red planet at one point in time. Well, that's what this chest looks like. It looks like a bunch of dry riverbeds, tapering right down in between her melons.

And then in the after picture, they're almost obliterated. I mean, look, this chest looks smoother than a baby's ass cheek. So I was quite fascinated. I was fascinated that something like this existed, first of all. I can't believe it's not bother. Well, easy. And, you know, I can believe that something like this existed that was like a, you know, a titty wrinkle remover.

And second of all, I was completely shocked that this is kind of what these friends of mine that I hung around with did for part of their living. They make their income off it. And I told them when they told me, I said, I need you to give me one. I said, I want to talk about that on my podcast. So I'm not endorsing it.

I'm not like doing a commercial for my friends. but in a way I am doing a commercial for them because I just wanted to tell you about it is something that I'd never seen and it's something I can't really believe I can't believe it's not barra but now I do believe

so there it is man and so just so you can see what I'm talking about they have a website it's www. beautifulchest.com Or maybe it's beautiful chest pad.com. The pen that they wrote on here with got all blurry, and I can't make it out. So it's beautifulchest.com or beautiful chestpad.com.

You know what? Let me pull this up right now. Roger, let's pull this up. Yeah, let's type this in, Raj. Beautiful I better not go to a... This better not bring me to a porno site. Beautifulchest.com

Uh-huh, there it is. Okay. Beautifulchest.com and there's actually, wow, it is kind of provocative. There's some hot looking girls in underpants with, uh, with their, you know, their, their titty wrinkles showing. I'm going to put Beautifulchestpad.com and see what I get.

That could be, see where this goes. Beautifulchestpad.com. Okay, there's nothing at beautiful chest pad. So just beautifulchest.com. It takes you to the, uh, takes you to the silk skin. website and you can see the pictures I'm talking about the before and after

pictures and and so in a way if you girls, if there's any girls listening by all means I'm going to give my friends a little plug here. I think this thing looks pretty damn cool. If I was a girl with

the Mars rover tired treadmarks all over my cleavage, I'd definitely get myself a decalette pad um so go and check it out but but the main um catalyst for me doing this uh this segment was i was just so surprised like i said i couldn't believe people that i knew that this is what they were doing and i think that's kind of fascinating so there you go maybe you better you know with your friends your family the people around you get the information man find out

what they're really doing. And I think it's great. These guys are very industrious, and they're making money off of a product that looks like it actually works, and who knows, you might want to try it out yourself. So I guess it's a bit of a payoff. My friends gave me a cool, weird topic to talk about, and in return I'm spreading the news about their decollette pads.

It's hard to believe. isn't it? I can't believe it's no bother. Okay, enough of that. So there you go. Interesting stuff. I thought it was interesting. You know, check it out.

So I think we'll end the show right there on a little crazy, crazy nutty notion. And I guess we'll do a few announcements before we take off here. I mean, come on, man. Let's see. What do we got going on, man? Oh, yeah, please check out my stand-up show coming up in Phoenix, Arizona, September 11th through the 14th. It's going to be awesome. It's a brand-new comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona, called The House of Comedy.

I'm doing the opening weekend, kicking it off. It is going to be wickedly awesome. So go online to harlo-Williams.com. Reserve your tickets because it's going to be packed out, man. It's a brand-new club. I would love to see you there. Also September and in September coming up, September 12th, if you're Canadian,

you can tune in to my second season of my sitcom package deal, which plays on City TV across the country. Check your local TV guide for the Times. But it is premiering the second season, Friday evening, September 12th. and we had another amazing year the cast the crew everybody involved we just had a blast and uh certainly hope all you canadian folks tune in and watch i'm hoping we get it down here in the states eventually fingers crossed i will keep you notified uh so you can check out package

deal starting september 12th and then uh september 19th to the 20th i will be in uh in utah Salt Lake City at Wise Guys. Awesome, awesome venue. Get your tickets for that at Harlan Williams.com. Click on my stand-up comedy schedule. And then September 23rd, we start the Comzilla Comedy Tour. That's Western Canada, Victoria, Vancouver, Calgary, Saskatoon, Regina, Regina, all these great Western cities up in,

in Canada there. So, yeah, lots to see, lots to do. Please go to my website, harloweems.com. While you're there, check out the store. You can buy some fun merchandise. Also, click on my YouTube channel subscription button. And you, you, ladies and gentlemen, will be the first to get any of my wacky videos, free, no charge,

just more stupid entertainment to amuse you. And check out all things, Comedy.com. That is a podcast network where you can also find my podcast, along with many other funny comedians podcasts. Really cool stuff. And that's it, man. That's it. Be good to each other. Keep on smiling and watch out for freshly cooked birds falling out of the sky. Until next time, chicken. Chau me, baby. is Nevada.