The Harland Highway - 606 - ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE (sort of) with my boss Mr. Featherstone.

Episode Date: September 11, 2014

Harland's boss Mr. Featherstone forces him to do a charity prank. Also, personal grooming for men and women, and a call about titty wrinkles. Rica a roni on a pony!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? Or don't tell me your name. I'll still love you. Ew. Hey, everybody, it's Harlan Williams. Lots of love happening here at the Harland Highway podcast. Thank you for being here. Love to have you here. We have a great show today.

We're going to be doing, have you heard of this ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? Well, apparently my boss, Mr. Featherstone, has something lined up where I think I'm doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge today or something. So this will be great, a big charity thing today on the show. I'm all for that type of stuff. Also, we're going to be talking about grooming, especially for men, but we will touch on women just a little bit in a sacred kind of way. But we're mostly going to be talking about men and our grooming habits.

Are you a good groomer, gentlemen? because I'm going to be telling you about areas to groom that you might not have groomed before and I'm also going to tell you about a fancy little device that will help you groom. So there you go. Also, we're going to be taking a phone call from a pavement ponder

regarding titty wrinkles. Oh, boy. Yes, those nasty, nasty titty wrinkles. So there you go. We got a lot planned today. It's going to be fun. Put your face brace on. Ladies and gentlemen, This is the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications.

He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Don't let me do it. I'll do it, I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. Remember around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. The Rotten Luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

You're probably asking why am I feeling so good? Why the singing, the chirpiness in my voice, the upbeat tempo to my whole demeanor. Charles, Nelson, oh, oh, oh. Well, how about this? Does this answer your question, boys and girls? Yeah, you hear that? That's a man-groomer, okay? Yeah, I'm not even kidding.

That's an electrical shaving device called a man-groomer. And just prior to sitting down to do the podcast, I man-groomed myself. Now, what that means is this thing, it has an adjustable thing on it, like an adjustable head, so you can, like, cut your hair. hair, which I did.

I cut my own hair with this thing. And then I went down and did the armpits. That's right. How many of you dudes have shaved your armpits in the last 50 years?

I bet a lot of you don't even think about that. Shaving the old pit hair. Well, let me tell you, it feels good. Yeah. Just get in there with the mangrover and you just slide it up and down and get the old pit hairs falling down. Ooh, there's the Brad Pitt hair.

That's always the longest one, the Brad Pitt hair. And you can use the mangroomer to even go deeper, if you like, down to the, you know, the... Oh, oh, Charles Nelson Riley. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know, if you want to shake. the old Charles Nelson Riley. It does that too. But I didn't stop there, boys and girls,

Lurtles and Flanardel Blogdons. I clipped my fingernails. I shaved. I mean, holy smokes. It's like a new me. La la la la la la la la. La. Excuse me, I'm trying to talk on the phone.

Oh, my God, I'm Charles Nelson, Peewey. Oh, oh, Herman. Made you look. Ha, ha, ha. No, oh, oh, oh. All right, are you getting annoyed yet? I think I am. Good Lord.

Um, so, you know, you guys, seriously, how many of you guys shave your armpits? And I'm not saying you have to, but it's, it might be something you'd never considered. I don't think I did it until I was in my, like, late 30s or maybe even my mid-40s. I was like, oh, I think I'll try this mangrover thing on my armpits. And it kind of freed them up a little. I didn't have like that seaweed hanging down. I didn't have, I didn't have, like, crickets living in my armpits. my armpits.

You know, so I don't know what what your grooming habits are, gents, but maybe something to, something new to try, something to consider. It kind of feels nice. It's kind of like, you know, it's kind of like you ever see these birds that get in the oil slicks when the, when the, when the, there's big oil spills in the ocean, and you see. these birds called gooey and their feathers are all covered with oil and they can't fly. When you shave your armpits out, guys, it feels like you got wings. You don't need red bull.

It's like all that heavy, those mounds of hair under your arms. You can flap your arms and feel free and you can, if you're out laying in the deck chair, you can put your arms behind your head and stretch out and you don't have to work. worry about big greasy underarm beards slapping people in the face. I cut my fingernails. How many of you guys have grown your fingernails long? Every now and then you see guys with long fingernails. You see it a lot on guitar player dudes, too.

A lot of the guitar player dudes, instead of like using a pick, they grow their index fingers or they grow their fingernails long. And it's kind of gross. I'm guilty. I had like four long fingernails, and your thumbnails are a whole different thing. And one of the things that hangs you up, you know, your nails are long. When you go to shake someone's hand, and your nail digs into their skin, it's like, hi, I'm Harland. Hi, I'm John.

Ow, you son of my bitch. Sorry, man. You slashed me, dude. Dude, what'd I do? It's like your nails go right into the flesh or you nick someone or, you know, and I don't think the girls like the long nails on the guys. I think if you took a poll and the ladies that are listening, back me up on this, you guys do not like the long nails on the boys.

You don't like the Freddie Krueger's. You don't like the Grizzly Adams fingers. And, you know, guys aren't as prissy. Most guys aren't as prissy as girls. So what happens to me is I get all kinds of fungus under my nails and chocolate. You know, like dust and motorcycle grease and, you know, Chipotle. I'll have like a piece of pork with some sour cream under my nails. You'll get like sesame seeds from a Big Mac stuck under your nails.

I think my wallet got stuck. I lost my wallet and car keys under my nails once it. It's ugly. And then you put your fingers in your mouth, and who knows what buffet of bacteria's gestating under your long Freddie Kruger nails, your Cruella DeVille's. You got like this bacteria hot tub under your nails, and you're like touching your face.

and putting your fingers in your mouth. I mean, God only knows if you start touching your girlfriend. Can you imagine the hours she's going to spend in the clinic? You know, Mrs. Johnson, I've seen yeast infections and I've seen vaginal infections, but what you've got is akin to the Holocaust. I mean, this is just unbelievable. So it's just a horror show, man. So guys, cut your nails, please.

If you're a guitar player, I'll give you a little slack, I guess. But let me just call you a creepy guitar player. How about that? Play me a Spanish melody and then give me a back scratch. Will you there, Caesar Romero or whatever your name is? Oh, but here's the thing. After I did all that, I gave my face a shave, okay? And I also used the man-groomer on my beard.

You can set the adjuster on it to five or two or one. So however close you want it, it levels off at that point. And then however you rub it on your beard, your beard will stay consistent. So you could have a short-trimed beard, you could have a long-trimed beard, whatever you want it all kind of stays in place you know so it's like you can't mess it up because there's like this big plastic guard and this grate you just get in there and it no matter what you do you can't go any deeper than the grate on the end of the man trimmer and so uh your face comes out even but but then i went under the beard and got the razor

and shaved my face and this you know there's stuff on my neck And then I got the old after shave out, man. I got the after shave. I splashed it on. Oh, you just feel so fresh like a daisy. Oh, you just feel like a kangaroo hopping around. Hoping around in a field full of petunias. Oh, it's wonderful.

Oh, oh, oh, all right, I got to get out of this. This is one last question, though, because that aftershave does. feel good it stings a little bit but it's kind of refreshing and this might be going too far this might be getting too personal but I got to ask the ladies ladies when you do your shaving and you know where I'm talking about the Bermuda triangle when you trim up the Bermuda triangle or shave you know the one-eyed cyclops or whatever I don't know what you girls call it. Do you put some kind of after shave on there?

Do you put like, you know, after pussy? I mean, that's just wrong to say, but do you put after vulva cream on or after landing strip lotion? I don't know. I don't know the wording because I don't know the answer. And I know this might be a bit vulgar and I do apologize. God. but do you put like something on there?

Do you put high karate on the JJ after you balled it up or trim it up? And if you do, does it sting the way it does? Remember that scene in Home Alone with a little boy put the McCulley Calkin slapped the after shave on his face for the first time? And he just, like, his eyes popped open like an apple. he's like ah

I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap including all my major crevices including in between my toes and me my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed I wash my hair with the don't form of the shampoo and these cream weights for that just wash on I can't seem to find my toothbrush so I'll pick one up when I go out today other than that I'm in good shape

Do you girls do that after you shaved down there in the Bermuda Triangle? Do you slap the Vajajee after Vajay sauce on? Your eyes just pop open like giant squids and your tentacles go flat. I'm just asking, crucify me for being naive. How dare you? How dare all of you turn this around on me? We just want to know, the more us. men know about you ladies, the better we can serve you, the better we can understand you.

The better we can accommodate you and bow down to your every need and desire and understand you. Yeah, right. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any idea. plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and

free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and EVE.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code, Harland, so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

So anyways, I'm going to leave it there because it's getting uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Raj, let's move on. Play a commercial and let's let's just move on. Shall we? Wow, what's that aftershave you're wearing?

Do high karate after shave is so powerful. It drives women right out of their minds. That's why we have to put instructions on self-defense in every package. Hi, Karate, the brisk splash on after-shave that smooths and soothes and cools. Hi, Karate, after shave, cologne, and gift sets. Hi, Karate. Be careful how you use it.

Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is a female fan from Ohio. Just got done, my name's Lyndon. I just got done listening to your podcast. And you were talking about titty wrinkles. And now I just have to say thank you for another thing I've got to worry about.

As I get older, I never thought about titty wrinkles until I listen to your podcast. I mean, looking down my blouse. So thanks, and I'll keep listening to the show. Keep with good work. Bye. Oh, there you go. There's another girly thing. I talked about this on a podcast recently that some friends of mine had created a pad that

women can wear at night. So when they're laying on their sides, their chest, the skin on their chest above their cleavage kind of folds over and causes wrinkles. And I dubbed them titty wrinkles. And my friends invented this pad that you slap on your chest at night, and it gets rid of the titty wrinkles. So if you want to hear that podcast, you can go and listen to it. The titty wrinkles

Pads are available at Beautifulchest.com For you ladies that want to get rid of those titty wrinkles And I'm sorry that I opened your eyes to it But maybe in a good way I opened your eyes to it And maybe you have a nice youthful-looking cleavage Right into your 90s

So thank you for for calling and great to hear from you and you ladies out there keep the calls coming in i don't get enough calls from you ladies i love hearing from you ladies and you know whatever you want titty wrinkles or uh you know lepracons coconuts anything you want uh what no no no i don't want to go up and see him i'm in the middle of the podcast okay Roger just signaled me through the sound booth. Are you sure about this? Oh, God.

All right, well, I was having a great podcast right in the middle of it. It turns out my boss, Mr. Featherstone, wants me up in his office pronto. You know what, Rod, leave me wired up. I want my listeners. I want the pavement pounders to hear this because if I just tell them what he says, they won't believe me. Because this guy is off as rocker, and I don't care if he's. hears that or not.

All right, I'm heading up. I've got to go up and I'm stopping the podcast. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, flirt old noggins and bledingle dangles. I have to go up right now and see my boss on the 12th floor. Mr. Featherstone. God. He could have done this later, Raj?

Yes, I'm going. I don't know. It was dark. I couldn't see anything. Well, here I am up on the 12th floor. I'm about to go into my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone, and as you know, he interrupted my podcast. There's his reception.

Betty, hello, Betty. Hello? Hello, Betty, nothing. You never want to acknowledge I'm even alive, do you? Okay, she motions me in, and now I'm going in the door. And there he is. sitting at his desk. Hello, sir, Mr. Featherstone.

Who? Mr. Featherstone, sir. Who, what, where, when, and how? I'm sorry, sir. Who, what, where, when, and how? Um, I'm not sure what that means, sir. Well, if you're going to come into my office, completely unannounced, a stranger I've never seen before, you better have some answers for.

me, and I'm talking last Christmas. Sir, I'm not... Who, what, where, and how? Uh, I'm Harland Williams, sir. I'm in your office. Uh, what for? Because you called me and how I took the elevator. All right, now sit down.

See? How hard was that? Patty cake, Patty Cake. Patti cake. 542? Um, I'm sorry, sir. What do you want here? What's your name? Sir, it's Harlan Williams. Every time I come up here, you act like you've never met me before. Well, look at you. I wish I hadn't.

Sir, that's not very nice. Well, oh, wait a minute, you're that prod-tast guy, aren't you? Sir, again, another thing you always get. It's a podcast. Whatever. Well, that, you know, that doesn't make me feel like you're very supportive. You know what's supportive? What, sir? My wife's bra, that's what, the one that hangs on her chest with a giant watermelon.

That's what's supportive. If you want some support, you go cry between my wife's milk jugs. Sir? Yeah, you probably wouldn't like milk jugs because you're always down at your funny little bars there on Saturday night. Sir, what funny bars? You know the ones downtown? Sir, I, what are you talking about? Oh, come on.

You're that Saturday night down at that funny little bar, the glazed ham? The glazed ham? Ah! What? Ah! Sir, I don't hang out at funny bar. What is this all about, please? I'll tell you what it's all about.

Have you heard about this ice bucket challenge deal? Yes, sir. where people get the ice bucket poured over them for the uh yeah for the ISIS for the ISIS yeah the ISIS ice bucket challenge no ISIS is a terrorist group sir I think you mean ALS don't tell me what I think I know I don't know I should know what I don't know excuse me sir I'm a little mixed up sir before I go any for let me ask you sir something. Yes, sir? Have you ever farted? Oh, here we go. Hey, I'm talking to you. You're going to open your eyes and close your pink hole. My pink hole? Yeah.

Sir, what? Have you ever farted? Oh, God. Have you ever farted in a veggie stir fry? Sir, I have never farted in a veggie stir fry. Why would I do that? Why wouldn't you? Okay, sir, I'm very busy. I'm doing a podcast. Cod, crap? A podcast, sir. Don't raise your boys of me, John Cougar Mellon Camp, Sr. What? What is this thing about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge?

It's old news, kind of like your face. Excuse me, sir? It's old news. Everybody's done it. It's old news, kind of like your face. Well, that's not very nice, sir. Yeah, I could have said a lot worse. Like what?

Like your greasy, prune-wrinkled dumpled dupel-dink face. Dumple-dank? You heard me, dumpledink. Sir, what is it you're getting at here? Let me ask you this. You ever fought in a pirate eye? A pirate eye? You ever seen someone with a...

They got a patch over their eye? Yes, sir. I see them at hospitals. I mean, sometimes people lose an eye They have to wear an eye patch That's right, but they still got one good eye, right? Yes Will you ever walk up and fart in the good eye?

Sir! You don't fart in people's eyes And I don't think they're called pirate eyes. They'll be called what I want to call them in my office, Dumple-Dink. Stop calling me Dumpel-Dink. Now listen, you're going to do the ISIS challenge it's the ILS challenge sir well that's old and you're gonna do it but I've changed it

what are you talking about sir this whole dump in the ice bucket on your head it's old everyone's done it it's tired kind of like your ass cheeks sir now we got a whole new thing for you what is it sir oh I'm sure you know what it is It's probably something you already done down at your funny little bars on Saturday night.

What? Funny little bars. Oh, I don't know. Why don't we just start with this one? The ripe rainbow? The ripe rainbow, sir. Right downtown at 4th and 95th. Never heard of it, sir.

Sorry. Well, I want you to go and look out my window on the 12th floor. There you go. Get up. Get your little pixie stick. walking you're looking out the window yes sir what do you see down there i don't know a bunch of cars and people uh-huh trees what else uh there's a truck down there that's right what kind of truck i it looks like a cement mixer sir that's right and well instead of this boring shingadding how do you do

ALS ice bucket thing. That's for pansies. Sir, it's for a very good cause. You shouldn't make fun of it. I'm not making fun of it. I'm just saying I've seen little goyles do it. I've seen old men's do it.

I've seen ladies and I've seen the goyles do it. Sir? The goyles do it. Sir? The goyles do it. Sir! And what I think is anyone can do it. So I

I got a new one for you. Oh, boy, I can't wait to hear this. Before I bring that up, have you ever farted down a gopher hole? Sir, I don't fart on things. It's unbelievable. You remember that movie Caddy Shack where he threw the dynamite down the gopahole? Yes, sir. It's a classic.

Well, you should try squatting over a gopahole with your bare glazed ham and crack a bolt of thunder right down the gopahole. You know what, sir, I think I'm going to leave. No, what you're going to go is downstairs, and we're replacing the LAS, LIS, CSI, Miami bucket challenge. Sir, listen to me now, Hyman Wai, Venus, Snitchell. What? I said, listen to me, you're going to start a new trend.

Okay, what? You're going to go downstairs, you're going to go outside, you're going to put your head on the ground, and that cement mix is going to roll over your head. How about that? Okay, you know what, sir? I am not putting my life in danger. How would you like this to be your very last plodplast?

Are you threatening me, sir? No, I'm telling you, you're going to be fired if you don't do the new cement mixer challenge. Oh, boy. And all you got to do is lay down on the floor on the street. You get a cement mixer, it rolls over your head, you make money for a good cause. And then you stand up, and that night you can go downtown to your funny little bar,

the salty photocopier. The salty photocopier, sir. That's right. What does that even mean? You know how people like to bend over the photocopier, don't you? No? Well, there's a bar downtown called the salty photocopia. It's all full of your guy friends.

Sir, I don't... Uh-huh. What, sir? A-ha! Why do you always do that? Do what? The aha-a-ha thing. Why do you go to your funny little bars?

I don't go to funny bars. There, you just started it. Ah! Stop it! You... Oh, hey, there goes my phone. I got to take this call. You get downstairs and stick your head under that cement mixer.

Hurry up. No, sir, I'm not... You're going to do it or you're fired. Oh, brother. Hurry up, I got to take this call. Get out of here. Move your sweet turtle snake hook us. Sir, get out.

Jeez, what an asswad. I'm not doing this cement mixer thing. Are you crazy? That can permanently damage me. I'm going back to the office. Thank you, Betty. Nice to see you. Oh, the middle finger again.

Great. Thank you. Thanks so much. If Mr. Featherstone wants me, I'll be in my studio. I'm not going outside to put my head under a cement mixer truck. See you back in the studio. Now to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate. What?

Yes, I can hear you. Yes, I'm down in the street. I tried to come back in the studio. Security put me down in the street, and he's watching from his window. I can see him on the tree. He's waving at me. Hello, sir. Hello, Mr. Featherstone.

Ow! Something just hit me. I think he spit on me. What the hell's wrong with you? Okay, now he's pointing, lay down. Okay, here I go. I'm doing the cement mixer challenge. I don't even know what charity it's for.

I'm putting my head down on the concrete. I don't think this is going to go well, Roger. still hear me? Yeah, I'm laying down. Here comes the truck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's not stopping. I didn't think it was... Oh, my face. Oh. It's hurting my face. It's crushing my face. It's crushing my face. It's crissing. She's like, get it off! Get it off! Get it up. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. And you do it, it will make sure you get his whole fat. Thanks. There you go. One more time. By George, I think he's. He's got it.

Okay, so that didn't go well. Obviously, there's been some time between that charity event that I did and now I had to take some time out in the hospital to have skull surgery and some brain surgery and, you know, just some restructuring on my face and whatnot. But, hey, it was for charity. So, you know, if at the end of the day we can help. whatever. So here we go. We're at the end of the show. Great way to go out with my head getting crushed by a cement mixer.

Thank you very much, Mr. Featherstone. Let's do some announcements. Oh, my God, big night tonight and big weekend. I'm in Phoenix, Arizona tonight at the House of Comedy Club. It's a brand new comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona. and great room. This is the big grand opening. I'm opening the club,

and you've got to come out and check out this. It's like a modern state-of-the-art comedy club, unlike any club you've ever seen. It's going to be fantastic. Go to Harlanwilms.com for your tickets, the House of Comedy, in Scottsdale, Arizona. Also, the following week I'll be at Wise Guys in Utah, incredible club, Salt Lakes City, Utah, Wise Guys Comedy Club,

all your tickets at Harlan Williams.com. And then the following week, ladies and gentlemen, yes, my stand-up comedy tour begins of Western Canada, the Comzilla Comedy Tour. Again, go to Harlan Williams.com for all the dates, times, Vancouver, Victoria, Porto Bernie, and Nimo, Saskatoon, Regina, ending the run at the Calgary Comedy Festival in Calgary. It's going to be awesome.

Comzilla Comedy Tour. It's all there at Harlow Williams.com. You can order your tickets. Do it before these venues sell out because we're getting close, I'll tell you. And also, big news, the second season of my sitcom package deal, my Canadian sitcom package deal. That airs Friday night, September 12th, which is tomorrow night, September 12th at 9 o'clock p.m. City TV right across Canada. Please check it out.

We're very proud of our second season of Package Deal. So a lot of cool stuff there. Also, if you want to write to me, harloweems.wilms.com. If you want to call me, you can call me if you're afraid to write. and you just want to leave me a voicemail. 323-739-4-3-3-0. The number's also at the website if you want it. And check out all thingscom.com,

which is a podcast network that you can also find my show, along with other very funny comedians on there. And don't forget the merchandise store at Harlowyms.com where you can pick up t-shirts, videos, music, artwork, books, all kinds of fun stuff there. And that is it. So I look forward to seeing you guys out on the road as my fall touring season gets underway.

Bringing the laughter to y'all. And until next time, everybody, chicken chau-man, baby. Ow, that hurt. My skull's still. out of line. Ooh.