The Harland Highway - 608 - Mysteries of money, drunk cows, burnt face.

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

Today we unveil the mysteries of money, follow the story of a cow that got away from the slaughter house, and burning your damn face. Splash my cash!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, here we go. Come on, let's do this. Boom. The Harlan Highway. Welcome, everybody. It's me. Harlan Williams. Oh, Charles Nelson, Ryan.

Uncalled for. Totally uncalled for. What a show we have today. What a treat. We're going to be taking some of your phone calls. ladies and gentlemen. Some emotional phone calls, some very important, deep probing phone calls.

We're also going to be discussing something that could hurt your face, something that could actually physically damage your face. Yeah, we're going to be getting into that. And I'm not joking. This is real. This could happen to you, okay? So this will be like a. public service announcement to help you save your big, fat, greasy face.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. Too soon. Also, we will be covering a wacky news story. Oh, my God. This, oh, my God. This story involves cattle, alcohol, Germans, and partying. Let's get this party started, shall we? No more talking. This is the Harland Highway.

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication.

He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense.

mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't let me do it. I'll do it, I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're never around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. The Rotten Luck.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Summertime, and the living is easy. Yeah, but my face isn't easy. Yeah, summer's kind of gone. I know, it's sad. But the remnants of summer live on, and when I say the remnants, I'm talking about the sun. The sun, we equate to summer, the heat.

But the sun's always there. It's always summer on the sun. There's no seasons on the sun. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons. on the sun. No, no, no, no. Thank you, Terry Jacks. There's no seasons on the sun.

It's always high heat. It's always the middle of summer on the sun. And I know where you may be, maybe things are starting to cool down, which blows. But where I live in California, A, the sun's always, I might as well be living on the sun.

I might as well be living on the sun with malls and drive-bys. That's California, I, A. But one thing that still can get you, and I don't know if this has happened to you, but the heat in your car, especially in the summer. Oh, my God, you go to the mall, you go into Applebee's, you go to get your nails done, you go to get your bikini waxing, whatever you don't.

you'll leave your car out in the driveway you'll leave your car out in the parking lot and it's like you might as well hang rotisserie chicken in your car forget putting that that little tinfoil shield up on your dashboard just put about eight chickens on your dashboard and let them spin man

it is hot and one of the things that heats up the most if you're dumb enough to leave them out is your sunglasses. Ah, you ever do this? You leave your sunglasses sitting on your console or on the dash, even on your seat. And somehow they're getting direct sunlight right through the window. And you jump in your car, you turn on the AC. You're like, oh, my God, it's bright in here.

I need to cover my eyes. Where's my sunglasses? You grab them hastily. You put them on your face, and you're like, They just, it's like you might as well have a, like a cowboy get in your car and say, you're all ready to be branded now? Yeah, we got all the cattle, you're the last one. Pull down your pants, we go brand you.

Because those sunglasses feel like a branding iron, don't they? They just burn onto your face, the bridge of your nose, your eyebrows, your cheekbones. Ah! It's like they might as, it feels like someone's welding them onto your face. Oh my God! I think you ever burn a poor boiling hot water on your hand or something?

Well, it feels like your sunglasses are boiling onto your face. Man, and it hurts like hell. And if, if they're hot enough, you kind of, you risk having, like, raccoon face. You got the, the sunglasses. The shape of the sunglasses is burned into your flesh. You look like you just got back from, you know, that guy out in the desert who gets on the, you know, is trying to set the land speed record on a motorcycle, a rigged up motorcycle and put the goggles on.

And blew across the salt flats at 300 miles an hour. And what he got done, you know, his hair's all blown back. is his skin's all red but he's got like an outline of a friggin' pair of sunglasses or goggles on his face that's what you look like nerd alert and you don't want to burn your face how often does anyone burn their face maybe a sunburn maybe the odd girl with a curling iron who isn't good with it and misses her hair and burns her face but really you don't burn your face that often it's it's it's these sunglasses in the car so be warned what bring an ice pack for your face and be careful sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy sunshine

In my eyes can make me cry. Hello. Hello. Harlan, how you doing there, pal? You know, I love your show, because I've told you before. That's how you know it. You know, and I love that song you wrote today. I was listening to one of my favorite things about walking, you know,

every couple days a week when I hear the Holland Highway is the fact that I laugh out loud on the street and people actually gather up their children and say, stay away from that man. it's a lot of fun but for fuck sake you had to make a grown man cry with that beautiful song of yours

besides the fact that your voice you have a fairly sweet singing voice harland and the song was heartbreaking and um suicide and depression is heartbreaking so keep it up and thank you for

for making a laugh Carl. Bye. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. You know, that pavement pounder did not leave his name, but what a wonderful message. I want to thank you for calling in. And as you folks could hear at the end, there was some raw motion on display during that call, which was very touching. And the caller was referring to, you know, I did a segment of, you know, I did a segment of, about Robin Williams and depression and suicide and the fact that, you know, during my career, it's been a bit of a common theme. I've had some fellow comedians take their own lives. Some of them I was very close to. Some of them not as close, but friends. And, you know, the stand-up comedy circle isn't huge.

So when somebody does that, it really resonates. and so I did a whole segment about Robin and comedians that take their own lives and I played a song that I wrote that called The Clown that plays in to that whole sad theme and you know it wasn't the cheeriest of topics but I thought it was worth something that we should talk about on the show considering I'm a comedian and you know these deaths I don't want to be presumptuous, but maybe hit comedians a little harder than regular folk

just because we're so close to that. And the song and the segment obviously affected this listener, and it sounded like he got a little emotional, possibly a little choked up at the end there. And, you know, that moves me. That moves me that, you know, somebody got emotional over. over something that I put out there and that the song moved them because it is a powerful song.

And so I just want to say thank you for opening up. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing. And mostly thank you for your kind words about the podcast and the laughter that it brings ironically. And I'm not laughing at it, but ironically, as you said, thank you for the laughter it sounded like you were crying and uh and uh that that's that touched me

i thought that was uh that was a big of you to be able to call in and uh and share your true feelings and and uh and thank you thank you for the heartfelt call and uh and it's it's a tough topic it's hard not to get emotional uh not just when comedians uh take their eyes but I've had people in my life who weren't comedians take their own life. And in a way, that might be even tougher because, you know, the entertainment industry is a very tough industry. And sometimes you can almost see why people get pushed over the edge. There's so much rejection and humiliation and so on and so forth.

And the entertainment industry as an actor, as a comedian, you're like a product. And you can be rejected. and you can be accepted, and it's very tough. But to see someone just in a normal life and a normal kind of 9 to 5 existence take their life is maybe a bit harder because you don't expect it. But I don't want to get on to this topic again. I think we covered it, but thank you so much for that call.

I really appreciate your candidness. and your kind words and most of all sharing your emotion with us. Let's take another call, see if we got someone else out there wanted to lay down some thoughts. Or true heartfelt, strong emotion. I'm sure there's other pavement pounders out there who have deep moving things that they want to say or want to talk about or want to know about.

Let's see. Hey, man. What's up? Hey, I was just wondering. I've never lost anything brand new, probably because I can't afford anything brand new. But I was wondering what the dollar bill, back of the dollar bill, there's a pyramid. What's with the pyramid, man? What's an eyeball?

Who's eyeball is that? what is it uh hell be out man okay okay this this won't be entirely easy but I do have the answer for you

guys guys pay attention guys I'll be out man I'm attempting to if you'll just settle down guys do you want to hear the explanation or not do you? Do you?

I'll be out, man. Okay, here it is. Oh, God. The great pyramid on the $1 bill is, as you can see, a giant triangle, okay? And then at the top, you see an eye inside the triangle. Now, let's examine. What on this planet has triangle eyes? Well, we know for a fact that the only organism with triangle eyes are pumpkins.

But in this scenario, we have a triangle eye, technically a pumpkin eye, with a large human eye inside of a pumpkin eye. Which is you just don't. don't see it. An eye within an eye can only mean that it is a great force. It is a great thing. So it must be the eye of the great pumpkin from Charlie Brown. So there is your answer. That is not a pyramid. That's the eye of a pumpkin. But not just any pumpkin. You see at the bottom, it says underneath the circle where the dollar on the pyramid

is, it says the Great Seal. Seal being code for pumpkin. So therefore, this is the eye of the great pumpkin. And I think the only person who can really explain

the Great Pumpkin, better than I can, is Linus from Charlie Brown. So, Linus? That'll be out, man. In Halloween night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air of this bag of toys for all the children. Okay, see, so there you go. The Great Pumpkin is obviously a force to be reckoned with.

I mean, he comes every Halloween, flies through the air with his whatever he has and brings gifts for the kids. I mean, that's important stuff, and that needs to be on the dollar bill. but there's a bunch of Latin stuff there. So there's a bit of secrecy surrounding the grape pumpkin. Linus, can you enlighten us a little more on this whole great pumpkin thing? There are three things they have learned never to discuss with people. Religion, politics, and the great pumpkin. Okay, so there you go, guys.

That's all we're getting out of Linus, and he's the expert on the great pumpkin. Did that help clear up why there's a pyramid and an eye on the point? back of the dollar bill what is it hello uh oh boy well that's all i can do guys i i'm if you don't get it on your own i i i don't know what to tell you uh i mean i went to all that trouble to explain it to you and i feel like you you're just not getting it what is it okay what about the other dude dude did you did you get any of this okay that's it i'm done Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, we know you probably hit play to escape your business banking, not think about it. But what if we told you there was a way to skip over

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That's strange stuff Okay, here we go Crazy story Crazy news story Here's the headline, you ready? Cow flees slaughterhouse Gors Jogger Heads do October Fest

What? All right, this story fascinates me We're talking about Germany Okay, we're in Germany A cow escaped from a slaughterhouse And headed for the grounds of Munich's October Fest Tuesday triggering a high-speed police pursuit

Oh my God, this is like the German version of cops You know, the Germans are so like regimented and orderly You can never shoot a show like cops in Germany So you got to do it with cows So this guy, now this cow's on a high, high speed chase. And don't forget, in Germany they have the Autobahn, man. The Autobot, but there's no speed limit. You can just drive as fast as you want.

So if you're a cow, you can run as fast as you want down to the Autobahn. It does not matter. You cannot be pulled over and get a ticket for moving down to Autobahn. Um, the bovine, which I guess is another word for cow. That's always been an odd word to me, bovine. I don't know. Bovine sounds like, it sounds like a massage parlor or some kind of wrestling move or something. There we go.

That's Jimmy Smith from North Korea. That's the bovine to win the mat. Yeah, Jimmy Smith from North Korea. That's right. The bovine, which fled after a word. worker mistakenly left a gate open and isn't that always the way it's always some dummy leaves the gate open at the zoo and the lion gets out or the suddenly there's a draft running through a mall because some dummy left a gate how hard is it to close a gate you're dealing with animals

close the gate after the gate was left open the bovine ran through the southern germany city of maines a 28 year old woman who was out jogging was injured by the cow. Oh, my God. The animal stabbed its horns into the woman's back. She had to be brought to a hospital with massive injuries, said the police. Good Lord. See, that's what you get for trying to be healthy.

I hear of more injuries and deaths from people out jogging and riding bikes. You know, go to the gym, get on the treadmill, get on the treadmill, get on the stationary bike you're not going to get hit by a car you're not going to get attacked by a dog you're not going to get stabbed by a cow you're not going to get assaulted by a homeless guy just stop running in the streets there's too much danger tree ain't going to fall on you on the treadmill good lord so this lady's out trying to get all healthy and uh you know you really don't expect a cow to stab me in the back. Maybe your best friend, but not a cow.

So here we go. The 1,200-pound animal ran to the Octoberfest field where workers were setting up the tents for the beer festival. So this guy's like,

hey dudes, you know, I'm getting a bad vibe about this warehouse we're all headed to. Did any of you not read up about the hall of Holocaust, man. I mean, I don't like the smell coming from there. I've seen a lot of my bros, like, go into that warehouse and, like, never come back. Like, have any of you ever seen Ted or Alan? Have any of you seen? Well, those are, those are guy names. I'm a cow. I'm a girl, so have any of you seen Charlize or Linda? No, they go into that big warehouse, giant

smokestacks, never come out. I'm out of here. dude's fuck no I'm going to get a fucking frosty dude I'm going to get a frosty and a fucking pretzel man you guys want to go into that fucking

warehouse have at her dude why am I doing a California like surf dude we're in Germany I will not be going into that warehouse did you not see what Hitler did

I will go and get the the wagon browser Unz de pretzel I will have an heffin brow Unsen pretzel moo So these guys were in the field setting up tents for the beer festival

And the cow went in and tried to attack Some more people At the October Fest But the cops had to block The cow with their vehicle And the cow rammed the vehicle which got damaged Now apparently here's the tragic edding

The cow could not be subdued Officers eventually had to kill it With two shots from a rifle Officials at the slaughterhouse Confirmed that the meat would be disposed of And would not end up on Octoberfest grills Well Thank you very much but kind of a waste

But at least this cow went out in a ball of fury man he didn't he didn't just line up and head into the slaughterhouse he wasn't just butchered at least this cow you know had a little fun and frolic and tried to get his

drink on before he uh you know this guy tried to party this guy's like I am heading to the October fast I will not be killed I will not be made into sausages and hamburger and vina schnitchell i will have i will have the brawfer the halfenbrowns the pretzel

moo moo so there you go uh kind of a sad story a woman got stabbed a police car got wrecked a cow tried to get its party on and got shot oh boy not not easy being a damn Cam Cow should have stayed on the Audubon and just kept on going. Okay, let's switch gears and go to the movies. Yeah, that's right, the movies. We've all been to the

movies, right? You guys go to the movies. We love going to the movies. I mean, I won't be here if it wasn't for the movies. So, you know, we go to the movies. Traditionally, we go to, the movie theater, right? We go to the mall, we go to the movie theater down the street, wherever it is, and you buy your tickets, you go in, you scramble for, well, first you go

probably to the snack bar, you buy your snacks, you buy your popcorn, your soft drink, your hot dog, whatever, and then you meander down the hallway, you look for your theater, you go in, you try to get through the door with your popcorn and your giant pop in your hand, and you kind of do the juggling act, trying to hold the door open, and then you walk into the big theater, and you look around at all the seats. There's hundreds of seats, and you pick a place, and you climb up there like Sir Edmund Hillary going up Everest,

and you got your supplies and your food rations, and you're anticipating getting a good seat, and you snuggle in, and people start snuggling in around you, and you hear the murmur and the talking and the excitement in the air and if the theater's full, it's just kind of this kind of group thing. Suddenly you're involved in this activity

with hundreds of complete strangers. And the movie starts and you sit there in the dark and you all scream together and you all laugh together and you all cry together and you, oh my gosh. It's one of the rare things in life where we all just kind of come together as strangers and participate in a sensory experience,

our emotions, our hearing, our vision, our balance, I don't know, you know, our smells, if you factor in all the theater food and stuff. But it's quite a unique experience, and it's fun, and it's kind of interesting to be rubbing shoulders with complete strangers and interacting to a degree and, you know, it's part of the charm of going to the movies, okay? So I just love that. I love the whole tradition of getting there a bit

early, wait, watching people filter in. I love watching the trailers. So it's kind of like a ritual for me. So a friend of mine has been bugging me for a long time to go. to this newfangled movie theater it's called i pick which i first of all i hate the name i pick it sounds it sounds like you're picking those golden crusts out of the corner of your eyes the the big yellow nuggets that are there when you wake up yeah i pick i do you want to go to the movies yeah let me do an i pick first what do you mean well i've got some nuggets in my eye sockets i just want to clear the out so i could actually see the movie no the name of the theater's the i pick oh well i've still got these crunchy okay so the the i pick is that it's kind of

many of you have probably been to this type of theater um because they're kind of popping up all over the country but this is now a chain and basically they're the luxury theaters so you you go into the theater and there's no lobby it's more like a bar restaurant with wood and marble and and, you know, dining and seating and a bartender and mood lighting and ambiance and, you know, it's got all the trappings of like a steakhouse or something. And then once you move through that area, you go into the theater and kind of a waiter slash hostess takes you in. into the theater and you go in the theater and they're not very big and there's only about like 2530 chairs and the chairs look like I don't know if you ever sat in first class in an airplane

but they're like they're like great big airplane seats they're leather and they recline and they go up and they have a foot rest and they put blankets down for you on a pillow and there's like a tray in front of you where you can put your food and there's an iPad that comes out from under the tray and you can scroll through a menu and they have sushi and gourmet burgers and

fried chicken, flat breads, pizzas, gourmet popcorn, sodas for $5 for a soda, but you can refill it as much as you want. Like you're going to drink 30 friggin sodas.

salads, eggplant. I'm not joking. This is all real stuff. I went through the whole menu. Eggplant, chocolate volcano cakes, biscuits and gravy. I mean, it was just, it was like a, you know, it was like a fancy restaurant. And they have pictures of each item, you know,

they've got a professional photographer to take a, picture of each item of food and all its glory and decadence. And then prior to the trailers playing, they show commercial. They show the chef. I just don't make the connection. A movie theater and a chef. They show the chef preparing food, flat bread pizzas, and they had a lobster roll of all things.

They had this bartender making these fancy drinks. It took longer to make these drinks and to roast a pork. I think this guy was chopping onions and apples and limes and shaking stuff and stirring. I was like, good Lord. Can I just get a beer? I don't need Martha Stewart to make me a cocktail, thank you. And I kind of started thinking about all this kind of gourmet food and the concept of a chef.

being back there, I thought, no, no, they're not hiring a chef to make this stuff. This is the same pimply-faced kid with the braces on his teeth and the grease in his hair that you see at the popcorn stand at the regular movie theater, but now they've trained them out a whip a pizza and a lobster roll together. Yeah, that's what I want. I want to watch Chucky Part 4 and have some lobster thermidor, please. Yeah, I'm about to watch a werewolf movie. Can you bring me a sizzling salmon steak, please?

Huh? Yeah, can I get a Caesar salad with my stoner movie, please? What the hell? So it's quite decadent, and as I said, there's hardly any people in the theater because they got to, you know, it's a luxury. You're paying for your space. It's like first class in the airplane.

They said, so you got these big seats that are huge and you've got blankets and you can recline and you're not really near anyone else. So now you're at the movies and they've taken away that whole group ambiance thing where you're shoulder to shoulder with people. They've kind of taken away the simple traditional menu of like, you know, goobers, popcorn, hot dog, and a Coke. Now you've got people beside you Some guys like a Galapagos tortoise chomping down on an eggplant Caesar salad You got a guy behind you who's got a Mediterranean flat brand That smells like a taxi driver's socks It's just

You can hear people chewing and it's smelly And then when you order like we ordered French fries, pretzels Gourmet popcorn You know, all this stuff And then there it was on the tray All piled up in front of us And I couldn't see the movie I had to move the crap off the tray

And put it in the aisle beside me Beside my big leather Delta Airlines chair And of course they served drinks and booze And all this stuff And you know, it was indeed It was decadent It was a much more a luxurious setting to watch a movie.

I mean, you can lay right back. My friend laid right back, put blankets on. You know, drinking beer, eating French fries and stuff. I mean, look, I'm going to be honest. It's a fun novelty. I did not love it as far as the movie-going experience goes. And it was kind of a bummer because she loved it. She was so excited about it.

And I can see why it's a level up, but it's like taking the fun out of going to the movies to me. It'd be like, you know, if you decided to go on a road trip, instead of getting in your dusty old pickup truck and driving through the desert, you'd decide to get on the luxury train line and just roll through the desert on your luxury train line and look out the window. You don't get dirty, you don't get dusty, you don't stop, you don't kind of feel the grit, you know. You don't really get to share in the environment. And I said even though people can be annoying in a real movie theater,

sometimes you get the chatty ones or the cell phone ones or the people kicking your seat or somebody farts, there's something to be said about sitting in that big group and sharing a communal experience at the moon. movies. And this new fancy I-pick thing, as good as it is, and I would do it again as a novelty, it just took me out of the movie. I felt like I was on an airplane. I felt like I was in my living room. I like the arena of the traditional movie theater.

I like the ambiance. I like all the stuff that happens in there. I like the sounds, the smells, the seats, the feeling, the people, the size. the amount of people. It's just, to me, it's much more fun. So there you go. And not only that, but look, let's look at the economics, which I don't really care about that much.

But, you know, when you're ordering fancy designer drinks and, you know, chefs cooking food and you're paying for a first-class airline, see, you're talking about it. You're talking like a hundred bucks to go out and see a movie. And you could argue that, well, you know what? It's almost $100 to go to the damn movies at the mall. Well, it's not that much, but it's getting expensive.

But this was literally, I think, you know, you have a waiter that waits on you at the I-pick. So then you have to factor in a tip. So it was about $50 just for the food and the drinks. And then the movie tickets are like, you know, $40, $50, $60. I think they're like 30 bucks each or 28 bucks each. So you're talking 100 bucks for two people to go watch a movie that probably isn't worth five bucks. So I'd say, here's my review. To use I pick as a treat now and then, but if you're a real true blue movie theater, movie lover,

I think at the end of the day, you're going to dig just go into the good old fashion movies. And I'll leave it right there. I'll let you decide. Good. Let's move on to the end of the show here. Let's do some announcements, ladies and gurgle blurgens. Where am I this weekend? Oh, oh, oh, I am in Utah, Salt Lake City at Wise Guys Comedy Club.

What's up, players? Get on the Audubon and move your way down to Wise Guys. I'll be there September 19th and 20th. It's Friday and Saturday. It's going to be a great show. Tons of fun. And then the following week, starting on September 23rd, right through to October 4th.

I go to Western Canada and begin the Comzilla comedy tour. Oh, my God. We're starting in Victoria, British Columbia. at Heckler's, September 23rd. Then we go to Port Albarnie to the Capitol Theater, September 24th. We're in DeNimo, the Port Theater, September 25th. Campbell River at the Tidemark Theater, September 26. We're in Vancouver on Sunday night at the comedy mix.

September 28th. We're in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan at the Moose Jaw Cultural Center. That's right, Moose Jaw. And this coming from a guy that has no chin. That's September 30th, October 1st, we're in the city of Saskatoon at the Broadway Theater. October 2nd in Regina, Saskatchewan. That's right, I said Regina, at the University Theater. October 3rd, Prince Albert, at the E.A. Rawlinson Theater.

And then lastly, on October the 4th, I will be at the Calgary Comedy Festival. and you can look all this up on my website, harlunwilms.com. It's the Comzilla Comedy Tour of Western Canada. Hope we see you there. Get your tickets now because they are gone fast. We don't want anyone to be disappointed. So hope we see you at those great, great shows.

Also, while you're at my website, check out the Harland Highway Merchandise Store. Lots of fun items for you to purchase. Also click on my YouTube channel You can subscribe for free And you will see my wacky videos As I post them If you want to write me, harlomwilms.com

Or if you just want to call me And leave a voice message And ask me really important questions Like, you know Why is Why is there a pyramid and an eyeball On the back of the $1 bill In the United States?

Well, you got the answer oh so fun so thanks everybody for listening in great to have you here if you want the phone number to call into the show it's at my website harlo williams.com and that's it that's all we got for today until next time watch out for drunk cows and until next time chicken chaube baby Oh, oh, y'all, y'alladio, oh, y'alladio,

y'alli, oh, y'allio, Yo, yo, yo, yo, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yo, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.