The Harland Highway - 609 - Liutenant TOM DOWDY on ISIS, strange sea creatures, dancing machines.

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

Liutenant Tom Dowdy updates us on ISIS activity, Human dancing machines, and crazy sea creatures. Sand my hand!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, here we go, everybody. Yes, indeedy doodle. And when I say doodle, I'm not talking about that breed of dog, the Laberdoodle. No, this is just doodle, and I'm not talking about drawing a funny little picture. It's just yes indeedy doodle. Can you not accept it at face value? Thank you. Why am I ragging on you right out of the gate?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams, and you are on the Harland Highway podcast. And what a show today. Um, we are going to be talking about a very unusual sea creature that yours truly caught. Yes, I know I've been talking about pulling in giant marlins, but I caught another little fishy that is a very unique and strange, uh, creature that you have to hear about. Also, uh, I'm going to be talking about, uh, human beings and our primal urges, our primal instincts. This is pretty fascinating stuff that I kind of started to look at. And it's about you and me and how we're wired and where things come from.

Also, horrible news in the Middle East. ISIS, the terrorist group, has been ramping up and doing more horrible things. And we're going to get a military update from Lieutenant Tom Dowdy from down in Camp Pendlington in California. He's going to fill us in on what's going on. Here we go. It's time to get started. It's the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications.

He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Don't that's be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. They're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. We're rocking luck.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Okay, do you hear that? You hear that sound? That is music. That's music. You hear the beat, you hear the drum, you feel it. Do you feel your body going? Do you feel a visceral reaction?

Do you feel your toes tapping? Did you? Did it get you going? Did it get your blood moving? to kind of get everything amped up a little. And that's what I want to talk about here this morning, this afternoon, this evening, whatever part of the day you're in. Here's where this came from.

And what I want to talk about is how primal we are as human beings. And this was something that put a huge smile on my face. I was out in Virginia. Okay? I was over in Virginia. a few weeks ago, and I was doing a show. And I walked through one of these outdoor mall centers, okay? And I went up on the balcony, and there was a place where I could kind of watch and look down and people watch.

And I was looking right down over a courtyard with a fountain. And I guess the people who run the complex hired a band to get up in the open air and play. It was a whole bunch of guys with saxophones and, you know, trombones, and it was really cool. They were really doing a good job. And, you know, the parents were all sitting around eating their cold stone and their Panda Express and smoking and doing all that stuff. But what was interesting to me, which fascinated me, was the kids. There were little babies. There were kids that could barely walk, kids that had just learned to stand.

There were kids that were two years old, three years old, five years old, six years old. And in each and every one of them, I witnessed their little cartilage-filled knees start to bop up and down, and they started spinning around in circles, and they started bobbing their heads and flapping their arms. It's like that movie, March of the Penguins. They were all just like wobbling around and, you know, just about to fall over and then they'd catch their balance. And it really got me thinking about, you know,

nobody prompted these little kids to dance. Nobody prompted their rhythm to kick in. Nobody prompted them to start kind of bouncing up and down and moving and grooving. And it started me thinking about just, you know, how primal we are on that level that music and rhythm and the beats of things just are born within us. They're part of our DNA, part of our constitution. And it was just fascinating.

So then I started looking for the parents with the kids. And sure enough, like each parent that arrived with a baby or a young little kid, same deal. The kid just started going. It's like somebody flicked a switch and the kid just went off, man. And then what was really cool is some of the kids would just seek each other out and start dancing together. They'd run up to each other and start twirling around. And it was really neat.

It was just, it kind of reminded me of the basic wiring of human beings that we kind of sometimes as we get older, maybe we take music for granted, dare I say, rhythm for granted. You know, not that we need rhythm every day, but it just kind of brought me back to, even though I was at a modern mall with a cheesecake factory, you know, and Coldstones and a Panda Express, I almost started looking at all the people down there through the prism of the Neanderthal, of the caveman. And I thought, man, this isn't probably that much different from how we were. were wired long, long, long, long ago. You know, there was probably times when the Anderthal man would start banging on a log with a stick or clapping or humming or, but everyone started going. And it was great because this show of kids, this show of children, it was white kids,

it was black kids, it was Asian kids. It didn't matter what their race was that they were all performing. the same function, doing the same dance. And it was fun because, you know, when adults dance, they kind of try to put on a show and they kind of gyrate their hips and they, you know, you try to be sexy when you're dancing or you try to imitate some kind of dance you've seen somewhere or you've been taught to dance a certain way. But with the young ins with the little babies, these guys just go off and they don't follow

any rules. They just kind of go bonkers. And not to sound mean, but they almost look like an autistic kid like twirling around in a living room or something. They're just like but yet at the end of all their erratic actions

somehow their bodies, the bending of the knees and the bopping of the heads, it somehow follows in sync with the beats of the music, with the notes of the music. with the tempo, the tempo, man, of the music.

And it was just a really cool reminder about how human beings are put together, how we're wired, how so many things are instilled in us. Right, right at a very basic age at the very beginning of our lives where our bodies are attuned to receiving stimuli and reacting to it and having reactions to it. It was kind of fascinating. I'd kind of forgotten, you know, how we were kind of put together that way.

And it also kind of reminded me of how music is such a communal voice, how music is, it goes above and beyond any type of language, any type of politics or social strata. music just is. It flows without borders. It flows without inhibition. It flows without prejudice. And seeing this collection of multicultural children,

little babies and toddlers, just spinning around and laughing and interacting. It was like a little tribe of little youngans. And, you know, nothing groundshadowed. with this topic, but I just thought I'd share it with you. Maybe somewhere deep within you, it reminds you. It reconnects you to the power and the beauty and perhaps the innocence of music. So there you go.

I'd like to keep talking about it, but as Tom Jones so eloquently once said, I think I better dance now Yeah, look at me go Ooh, yeah Oh yeah, look at that Oh, bop it, drop it, stop What? Who?

Why is he calling him? Well, I was just dancing here. I was enjoying myself. Okay, all right, he's on the line. Sounds like Roger just let me know Major Tom Dowdy from Camp Pendlington, California is on the line. As we all know, this ISIS or ISIL thing is heating up even more in the Middle East. And I guess, what, this came from upstairs?

Okay, well, in an effort to keep you guys up to date on the news and informed, I guess my boss feels it pertinent that we have. experts on the show here he is are you there major tom uh major tom uh yes sir go ahead uh yes sir uh thank you for calling in uh from camp pendlington i believe sir yes sir that's right that is a go we are a go uh and you are we're located uh right on the uh shores of uh southern galifornia sir uh just uh south of uh Los Angeles, and just north of San Diego. Okay, and let's jump right into it, Major Commander, Lieutenant Dowdy.

This whole ISIL, is it ISIS, or is it ISIL? I've decided just to compelment to and call them icicle. You're changing the name of the terrorist group, Yes, sir. Last thing you want to do is be confused about who your enemy is. Okay. We do not want to be confused about who it is we're trying to kill. So if we're coming up with a variation of names on these perpetrators, ISIS, isyl, isotherm, isometric, you know, it just a list could go on and on until your ass cheeks turns. silver uh sir so what i've done is i've just taken the names have tapered them together fused them together and uh believe me uh i've been out in the field and i fused things before what does that mean sir well you can be out in the field with a tank or some got a military vehicle and you have to get a welding torch and fuse pieces together to keep rolling okay so you've fused

Isol and ISIS together. And I've got icicle, okay? And I don't think it could be a more fitting word because we want to melt these sons of fox. Excuse me, sir? Pardon my language, sir. We want to melt this terrorist organization right to the ground. I want, I want this, I want these people to melt into the ground,

get absorbed into Mother Earth, become acclimated with the ground, water and I'll be goddamn if I don't want the water to come squirting up through a sprinkler valve on a golf course in Palm Springs and I walk all over that wet

shit with my fucking golf shoes all the little spikes going right into their heads those little fuck. Okay sir I feel like that's a little almost borderline fantastical well when you're dealing with an enemy like ISIS

sorry? Sorry? I thought you said ISIS and then Cole. Are you telling me, civilian, what I said? No, sir, but it sounded like... I said icicle, okay, now. Sir? Look, these guys are heating up, okay? If people think that icicle isn't a threat to the homeland,

if people don't think that they can get on a plane, and fly over to the United States of America from the sandpits or the playbox or whatever the hell they're doing over there, you are greatly misinformed, okay? Greatly, greatly misinformed. Well, sir, I get it that they are a terrorist threat and they're a mounting terrorist threat, but is it really practical to believe that these guys could collectively get on a plane and come over here and really inflict much damage. I mean, obviously they could probably blow something up

or kill a few people, but to technically take out a city or even a small town seems kind of implausible. Well, listen to you, civilian. Listen to you. You know, it's people like you that, I'll tell you what, when I was in Vietnam, okay, through the fucking jungle night after night

with no fire no food no purified drinking water you know what I had to do to start a fire civilian sir uh I think you're getting a little animated here do you know

what I had to do to start a fire civilian I don't know rub some sticks together good luck rub the sticks together in a tropical rainforest you uninformed piece of water buffalo shit. Now, sir, there's no need to get hostile. Here's what I had to use to start a fire, all right?

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Off a dead Vietnamese. North Vietnamese, that's right. North Vietnamese? I said North Vietnamese. Well, that's not what I heard. I got the legs off a North Vietnamese, and I ripped his tibias out, okay? And I rubbed his bone legs together until I got a spark. and that's how I started a fire.

Now, have you ever done that, civilian? No, I haven't cut the legs off a North Vietnamese soldier, ripped his tibias out, rub them together to get a fire. Well, welcome to... To what? Just, well, so have you ever been in the jungle, civilian, and had headlice so thick? And by the time you got to the other end of the jungle, you were balder than a Chinese tip mouse.

Sir, can we just stick with the ISIS threat? Sounds like you're having trouble talking now, too, civilian. What's the matter? Feeling a little intimidated? No, I just feel like this. We're trying to get information about the uprising of icicle. That's right. You got it. And you're going off about rubbing legs together and lice?

And you've read lice, eat your hair off in the middle of the jungle, and then get into your eyebrows and your eyelashes, and you walk out of the jungle, and you look balder than a Chinaman's ass. Okay, so you've got to stop making these Asian references. Well, look at you, look at you, sitting there on your high chair, eating your Gerber baby, Pablo. What?

Listen, when you get the lice in your eyebrows And you get the lice and your eyelashes And they eat that shit off Like fat people at the Golden Corral Sir, can we watch the language I'll tell you what When sweat starts rolling down your face There's nothing to stop it

Your eyebrows are gone Your goddamn eyelashes are gone And that sweat rolls right into your eyes You know what that stings like, civilian? No, what does it sting like, sir? It stings like you're at boys' camp, and the counselor wraps his towel up into a whip and snaps you right in your bare ball sack.

Okay, sir, can we not... Snap. Sir? Snap, snap, snap. Snap. Sir, can you stop snapping? Snap. Sir!

Ginger snap. Ginger snap. Ginger snap. Stop saying ginger snap. Snap. Sir. Okay, you know what? I don't think this is really helping us.

I don't think we're getting any information. I don't think we're resolving much. Okay? Oh, listen to you. Well, I serve my country. You have the audacity. to sit there and tell me that that I'm not a part of the...

I'm not a part of the... I'm not part of the solution. That I'm part of the problem. No, I'm not saying you're part of the problem, Commander, French lieutenant, left wing on the Chicago Blackhawks, Dowdy. Well, what are you saying, civilian? I'm saying some of this stuff is nonsensical,

and... Oh, well, look at you. Have you ever been running around? the Congo forest with Agent Orange going off. The Congo Forest, that's in Africa. All right, I was just testing you. Sir?

I'm talking about being in the Cambodian jungles. Okay, I'm talking about crawling through the killing fields with a human skull wedged in your fucking groin. I'm talking about crawling through corpses like a caterpillar crawls through cucumbers on a hot summer day in Missouri.

Okay, you know what, Roger, get them off. I'll tell you what. I gave up my left lung for this country, the United States of America. I can barely smoke a cigarette anymore, and I get real, real tired when I'm having sexual intercourse over at the whore house. Sir, what are you saying? That's right. I lost my wife.

my flashbacks. She couldn't take it anymore so now what made you tell him doubt he needs some sexual intercourse he goes over to the whore house. Why are you saying horro house? That's not even real

anymore. Why don't you tell that to Bambi? Who? Bamby. They call her Bamby because she looks like a little baby deer. And when she bends down to drink water, she sure

He does like to lick it. Excuse me, sir? You heard me, civilian, I said, lick it. Do not say that. It's very... Lick it, civilian. Don't say that and stop talking about Bambi. Oh, Bambi like to lick it.

Oh, Bambi like to lick my agent orange lung. That's what Bambi like to do. Oh, God. Okay, get him off, Roger. How dare you? This is Commander, French Lieutenant. I don't care who you are. You're getting perverse. Hang up on him. Bambi going to lick it.

Oh, yeah. Bamba, baby, that shit. Oh, lick it, baby. Just lick it, baby. Oh, that's good. Lillillillillillill Lick it. Oh, yeah. Lager.

Oh, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, Roger, are you hearing this? Oh, baby going to lick it. Babby going to look it. Oh, that they're going to lick it. Oh, my God. Hang up on him. Good Lord.

Unbelievable. That was sick. What is wrong with that guy? What is wrong with him? Just crazy. Wow, Roger. You know what? Let's move on, man.

You know, something that relaxes. That guy just got me wound up. Let's go to something that relaxes me. Fishing. Okay? As you know, I've been telling some fishing stories over the summer. I'm going to tell one last one. Last week I went fishing down in Florida,

and I cut a very unusual fish. It surprised me. I never thought I'd catch one, but I did. It's called a Ramora. And these are incredible fish. You've seen them before. You ever watch Shark Week? Or you ever see underwater footage of large fish swimming around,

and there's always these fish that are like stuck to the side of the bigger fish, hitching a ride. Yeah, those are called Ramora fish. And they're pretty fascinating. I mean, the thing that struck me the most when I pulled this thing up out of the water, and it was about the length of my forearm, beautiful markings, striped markings, and, you know, really smooth, not a scaly fish,

very slick, almost like an eel. But the thing that really caught my attention is this fish has a suction cup on the top of its head. Okay, it's got a flat head with a very large suction cup. The suction cup is about the size, of a rectangle like soup cracker.

It's like the size of an iPod. And it's unbelievable. Nature has given a creature a suction cup on its head. I mean, are you kidding me? I was just fascinated. I pulled this thing up and it had a suction cup.

And what it does is this, This fish, it's very ingenious. It swims and sucks onto the side of large fish, therefore getting a free ride through the ocean. It's kind of like that movement a couple of summers ago where all the guys camped out in Central Park in New York and wanted a free ride on the economy. Remember those guys?

why don't we just call them the Ramoras? And the Ramoros, they stick on the side, they get a free ride, and then they wait for the scraps to come their way when the sharks start ripping a fish apart. So basically the Ramoras don't have to work for anything. They ride for free. They don't have to expend any energy. And then they don't have to hunt because they just wait for the bigger fish

to kind of throw them scraps. So, yeah. A lot like those guys are camped out in New York. But I digress. Let's get back to the fish. This isn't a social issue. This is a fish. But just a fascinating thing to look at.

And the fact that God or whoever you believe made everything, by engineer, by design, by natural selection, whatever term or thing you want to attach to it, this is an animal with a suction cup on its head, and it actually swims up and it affixes itself onto the skin of the shark or the bigger host fish. and it kind of slides backwards, and the more it slides backwards with its head, the tighter the seal. Now, it's not like a lamprey.

It doesn't puncture the animal's skin. It doesn't start sucking the flesh out like a lamprey does. But it, in essence, just sticks there as long as it wants, and it can let go whenever it wants and swim away. It's pretty ingenious. In fact, you know, this didn't go, This didn't go undiscovered by fishermen back in the day, and it might even still be done today.

Spanish fishermen and various people who fished over the decades and centuries before the dawn of, you know, giant gill nets and motorized motorboats and all that. Ingenious fishermen, what they would do is when they caught a remora, they would tie a line around its tail and throw the remora back in the ocean if they saw a sea turtle nearby. And the remora instinctively, because that's what they do,

they stick to fish and turtles and large sea creatures, the remora would instinctively swim right to the sea turtle, stick to the sea turtle shell. And I guess the suction was so secure that these ingenious fishermen would just pull their fishing line in and pull in a giant sea turtle and back in the day before it was illegal

they would catch a sea turtle and eat the meat and harvest the eggs and make soup and whatever else you do with a sea turtle. But they were using a live fish to catch other creatures using the suction cup. You know, it just fascinates me. If you go on

Google images and type in Ramora, you will see this incredible looking fish and it's a very fascinating creature unlike anything else out there and how many living things do you know that have a suction cup on their head you know except maybe if you have a husband or wife who's cheap and doesn't do any work and makes you do everything around the house think they're called gold diggers but maybe we can start calling them Ramora's, because they just suck.

But I also started thinking, you know, my little sister's about to have another baby, and I thought, gee, that would be kind of a cool name. Ramora. If you take the fish element off it, Ramora could be a boy's name or a girl's name. It's very unique. It's kind of flowy. It's kind of different. It's Ramora.

Hey, what's your name, man? I'm Ramora. step back i need you to step back from the romara hi my name's romara i'll be serving you today i don't know cool name so you know just thought i'd share that with you kind of an unusual oddity i think maybe certain flies have little mini suction cups i think lizards certain lizards like geckos have suction cups on their feet a suction cup, to have a suction cup on your head, to have the wherewithal to realize you can save energy and ride for free on the side of another host fish and eat the other fish's prey. I mean, wow. Pretty good. Pretty, pretty good. So there you go. That's my little

fishing. I had to do something to get out of it. away from the the obscenity of Dr. Major Tom Doughty, whatever his name is. He just freaked me out with that Bambi stuff on the whorehouse and everything. So I wanted to end on something a little more just neutral, I guess. Okay, so we are at the end of the show. Thank you for being here, everyone. Tell your friends to get their ass over on the Harlan Highway, will you?

Good Lord, man. I want to remind everyone that this week, starting tomorrow, tomorrow I will be on breakfast television in, or actually today I'll be on breakfast television in Vancouver, Monday the 22nd of September, and then tomorrow the Comzilla Comedy Tour starts across Western Canada, Victoria, Nanaimo, Prince Rupert, Saskatoon, Calgary, Regina,

Vancouver. Check it out. Go to harlandwilliams.com. The Western Comzilla stand-up comedy tour goes for just about two weeks. From the 23rd of September to the 4th of October. And it is going to be fun, man. Get your tickets. All the links are at my stand-up comedy link at Harlanwilms.com. Please get your tickets now because they are selling super fast. and we don't want you to be disappointed.

Okay. And hopefully we see you there. Also check out my other dates. I have dates coming up in Denver, Colorado in October, October 10th. Then I'll be up in Edmonton, Alberta on October 16th. And it just keeps going and going. Tampa Bay in Florida, November 6. So keep checking my stand-up comedy schedule.

It's going to be all. Awesome. Also, while you're there, check out the Harlem Williams merchandise store right there at the website. Also, there's a phone number there if you want to phone me and leave a message. Feel free to do so, or you can write me. There's a link right there, harlomwilms.com. Also check out ATC, All Things Comedy.com, which is a podcast network, which I'm featured on with many other funny podcasts and comedians.

Got to check that out. And please, when you're on my website, website subscribe to my YouTube channel all you do is click it and you're done you're it's free every time I put up a wacky video you're in the loop so a lot of free entertainment for y'all y'all and that's it man that's all we have time for today I'm going to go and rinse my head under the sink so I can get the sound of major tom french Caesar salad lieutenant dowdy out of my head and until next time ladies and fertile noggins. Chicken.

Chalmy, baby? Oh, baby going to lick it. Baby going to live it. Oh, baby going to lick it.