The Harland Highway - 611- RAINBOWS, EARS, AND CHICKENS!

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

Harland finds a rainbow. Some chickens are murdered, and the trouble with ears getting old. Also, calls from Pavement Pounders, and COMZILLA. Tackle my Snapple!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? Hello, everybody, I'll tell you my name, Harland Williams, and this is the Harland Highway podcast you are listening to. Thank you for tuning in and turning on. Are you turned on, or are you just tuned in? That's your own personal secret. I don't need to know. We're going to be covering a lot of ground today.

I was away for a little bit. I was doing the Comzilla comedy tour through Western Canada. We're going to touch on that just a little bit. Such an amazing time, some amazing shows. So we'll be talking about that. We're going to be talking about rainbows. I saw a rainbow, ladies and gentlemen, and guess what I did when I saw the rainbow?

Well, I'm not going to tell you now. You'll have to listen to the podcast, okay? It was pretty dramatic and pretty weird. We've got a crazy news story coming up for you. somebody did something wacky to some poultry and I figured out who did it it's a bit of a mystery and then we're also going to be talking about something

I don't like that I found growing out of my body yeah creepy and sick and I'm not happy with myself for letting myself grow this weird thing out of my body I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it but I'm going to because you know I keep it open and this is, ladies and gentlemen, the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications.

He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on. I'm tired. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't let me do it. I'll do it, I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. The Rock and Luck.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hello, Mr. Williams. This is. Charles from Dallas. I wanted to call and say thank you for your whimsical highway. And always love hearing you. Love your brother. Have a good one.

Aw, what a great way to start the podcast. Yes, I will have a good one with a wonderful message like that coming out of the gate. Thank you, Dallas. You know that? I think we should listen to one more nice call just to start the show off, get another nice calling, get everyone in a good mood, and then we'll get into the meat of the show. Roger, you got any more messages from the pavement pounders in there?

Let's have another juicy one. Yeah. Harlem Highway. Hall of Highway, motherfucker. Holland Highway. Huh? Harley Highway. What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

Mother highway. Mother highway. Pullin' fuck. Mother highway. Oh. Oh, you get down. Yeah. Har.

Land. High. Way. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. On the highway. Um,

um, um, uh, okay. Uh, uh, you know what? No more calls for now,

Raj. That, uh, that, uh, that'll suffice. That'll do for now. I think we got two nice ones in there.

Let's just hang tight on the, uh, messages from the pavement pounders, just for a bet. Uh, first of all, out of the gate, gang,

I just got back. As you know, the last two episodes were flashback shows. I was away. I was on the Harland Williams Comzilla comedy tour. And, man, oh, man, I want to say thank you to everyone who came out to catch Comzilla. Oh, my God, we had an incredible time. Oh, yeah, we were playing in theaters. We were going all over.

over Western Canada. Okay, Godzilla. We were in Victoria, B.C., where you're in, we were in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, we were in Regina. We were in Saskatoon. Okay. We were in, excuse me, we were, we were in Vancouver. We were in, we were in, uh, all over. over the place, man.

Calgary, it was unreal. We had some standing ovations at a few places. We have places that were packed. We had a couple of places that weren't so packed, but we still had an incredible time. And I just want to thank everybody listening who came out for Comzilla. Thank you so much for supporting and sharing the laughter,

having a great time. ComZilla. And for those of you that missed it, you know, hopefully we'll be doing it again next year and be sure to get on the Comzilla comedy tour because it was phenomenal. It was phenomenal. It was phenomenal. It's so many great people, you know, the shows were so fun. It's a lot different doing shows in a theater than it is in a comedy club just because it's bigger.

It's more grandiose. And it was just a blast. So from bottom of my heart, thank you, everybody. Hope we see you next time at the next Comzilla comedy tour. All right. Now, let's get into the show, shall we? Well, one of the things that happened to me on my Comzilla tour is, you know, it took us through Western Canada, as I said,

and we went through a lot of mountainous regions. And, you know, out there by the ocean and small towns we had to pass through. And there was one town in particular we stopped in, and it rains a lot in the west. You get a lot of rain because of the mountains and all the trees and the forests and the ocean and everything combining together. And we stopped in this one little town, and I wandered down to the donut shop because, you know, that's what Canadians do. They eat their donuts there. Hey, don't you know, we got to have our donuts. Yeah, we got to, if we don't have our donuts, we're going to go.

go fucking crazy there, don't you know, hey? Mother fuck up. So we got to have our donuts there, don't you know? Hey, there, got to have the donuts. So I go get a hot chocolate, because we got to have our hot chocolate, too, don't you know? Got to have our hot chocolate, eh? Motherfucker. So I get my hot chocolate and my donut, and, you know, I'm walking back to the hotel.

And I'm going up the sidewalk. It's on the main street, not a big town. but this is where we're stopping over on the tour and I notice as I'm walking up the street there's a rainbow there's a beautiful rainbow arcing right over the street right over the little city the little town whatever the hell it was

and I was like holy smokes and you know it was one of those things where the sky was like half sunny and half like cloudy it's weird like that you know and rainbows always seem to come out and I just thought, what a beautiful thing, and it kind of got my insides going. I'm like, oh, a rainbow, it's so magical and mythical,

and what am I supposed to do? And then I realized I'm probably supposed to skip and whistle, right? I thought, you know, you're going up the sidewalk, the sun's peeking out. I should probably skip and whistle under the rainbow because I was going right under it. And so no word of a lie. I got my donut in one hand.

I got my hot chocolate in the other. And I thought, I'm going to whistle and skip. It'll make me feel good. So I start the whistling. I'm like, and then I go to skip. And I realized I haven't skipped probably since I was a little boy. Who the hell skips anymore? And I realize skipping is like kind of a day.

dance move. It's kind of like this, there's a particular methodology to skipping. There's a certain way you do it. There's a certain way you raise one leg and slide the foot on the other leg and then bring the foot that's up down and you slide the other foot and move. And I realized I didn't really remember how to skip. And it took me a few little skips to really be skipping. And I found that amusing, and I found it interesting that skipping takes a whole different mindset. It involves probably all different muscles in your legs that you're not used to using. It's like when you go to a gym and all of a sudden you're doing like the butterfly press or you're doing leg squats or you're doing the ab cruncher. You're working muscles that you've never worked or you don't normally work.

So it's like it feels weird because you're like, you're not used to work on those muscles. So my first skipping, the first skips of my skipping were kind of spazzy. I looked, I kind of looked like Gumby when he was drunk. Remember Gumby, that little green clay guy used to slide around on one foot? I looked like Gumby on Crystal Meth or something. Prickle, it's me, Gumby. I'm busy. But Prickle, that's.

It's just a game people play on their birthday. And so here I go. I'm skipping up the road, and I'm feeling muscles in my skipping muscles coming alive. And I'm whistling, and I'm balancing a hot chocolate, and I've got a donut, and I don't care who the hell sees me. I'm skipping and whistling under a rainbow, damn it. Is that so wrong? Is that so wrong, ladies and gentlemen? And people were driving by, and I didn't know if they could, if they noticed me or if they were horrified, nobody crashed.

But I mean, when a rainbow arcs itself right over you, you got to do something. You can't just, like, ignore it. It's so beautiful. I wonder now if I'm officially gay. Did I just out myself? Did I just, let's see, skipping and winning. Whistling, well, skipping and whistling under a rainbow. Uh-huh.

Quite possibly. It's possible. But no, it's not possible. I am not gay for skipping and whistling under a rainbow. It's maybe not the most masculine thing I've ever done, but it was kind of innocent. I felt like my little pony or a smurf. I smell like I felt like an elf

Something kind of magical Lord of the Ringsie I don't know But whether you want to skip under a rainbow Or not skip under a rainbow I'm asking all of you to go out there This is your homework You can do it in the privacy of your own home You can do it in front of a crowd

I want you to go out on your deck On your sidewalk on your driveway and skip. You don't have to whistle. You don't have to wait for a rainbow. But I want to see if you guys remember how to skip. It's a very foreign thing when you haven't done it since you're a little kid. And I bet most of you listening haven't.

I bet most of you haven't skipped in 20 years. Try it and tell me if you don't think the first few skips are a little awkward. You're kind of seeing if you can remember how to do it. almost wait wait how do where does my leg go away i the the right foot leads the let wait do i leave one foot on the ground well the other one where do i push off the how do i what oh oh oh i'll skip to malum and oh darling oh oh oh charles oh nelson i mean it was crazy Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So get out there, be a Gumby, do some skipping. And if you have the Cajonies, To call in or write to me, I want to hear how it went for you and see if you had difficulty skipping.

At least I was man enough to do it under a rainbow. Yeah, skipping under a rainbow and whistling doesn't make you gay. It makes you a real man. A real man! Damn it! Go to me! He was once a little green slab of slam. No, me!

But you should see what you. God we can't do today Somebody We can't walk into any foot With his tiny pal, pokey too If you've had a hard And that's a part of you Yeah

Olive Buzz The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird Wow, that's strange stuff On the morning of September 20th, detectives say Foster Farms employees discovered a bloody mess inside the chicken sheds. About 920 chickens killed, beaten with golf clubs. Antonio Puentes has worked with the company several years.

He says he couldn't believe what had happened. It's crazy that someone would break into the chicken shed to kill them. It's just crazy. Detectives believe more than one person broke into the sheds by pulling back some of the fence. Deputy Chris Curtis with the Fresno County Sheriff's Office says everyone should be alarmed by the cruel nature of this crime. Psychopathic behavior, it's sick behavior, and people that will do this, it can definitely lead to other things. A spokesperson for Foster Farms released a statement that calls the crime an unconscionable act of animal cruelty and reads in part, this appears to be a random act of violence. It is the express policy of Foster Farms to treat its birds humanely and with compassion.

Any intentional act to the contrary is unacceptable. Foster Farms estimates the loss at about $5,000, but it's the larger crime of cruelty that alarms the company and detectives. You can't do that much damage to animals and not have blood on your clothing. And it's just we want to find out who they are and get them off the street. Okay, 100 chickens, beaten a death with a golf club. three words Tiger Woods wife

Okay do we need to look any further That Eglong Norgland or whatever her name is That Swedish nut that went ballistic on Tiger Woods Remember that story in the middle of the night Chasing him with a giant nine iron Or a putter or something or a driver Eglong Florgens Schluggen was chasing her husband, Tiger Woods, after he got caught, messing around cheating on her.

Eglong, Fuluggen, Slauggen, Ikea, Varfin Flugan, or whatever her name is. Yeah, that's what happened. Probably the word came up somewhere. She's at a social event, and, you know, someone mentioned her husband's name in one conversation. and then someone else probably said something about there were a lot of nice chicks at the party and she associated Tiger Woods with chicks meaning baby chickens and ran to her car where I'm sure she keeps her drivers and her weapons of choice and drove over to Foster Farms and had to get out all her pent-up aggression at her ex-husband Tiger Woods

and smash the shit. Out of a bunch of chickens. There. Mystery solved. Thank you very much. Okay, enough with the crazy news story. So how about a personal story? Can I tell you something that happened to me that kind of weirded me out?

I was looking in the mirror and, you know, my ears stick out a little bit. It's no secret. Everyone knows I'm a jug-eared freak. hello and I'm looking in the mirror and I see like this hair sticking out from behind my ear and I'm like oh man I guess when I got my haircut they missed a hair and it's like sticking out from behind my ear so I go to grab it and it's like I realize it's a single hair growing out of the top of my ear and this isn't a little hair this thing's it's like very fine it's like almost like an invisible thread but I could see it in the

mirror like it was kind of silhouetted in the light and i don't know i'd say it was about an inch an inch and a half long like sticking up and i was appalled i'm like what the hell of what am i precious precious one of my golem from lord of the rings precious must have heavy ears I was just like horrified. Like, how does a guy get a giant hair growing on his ear and not know about it until it's like an inch and a half long? Looked like dental floss coming out of my ear. It was right at the top.

I was like a lynx. You ever see a picture of a lynx? It's like a bobcat, but it's a bigger version of a bobcat. And lynxes have tufts of hair growing right out of the top of their ears. Suddenly, I'm the human lynx. I'm like a new Marvel superhero. I'm like Wolverine's play toy. Hey, why don't you come over here, Lynx?

Excuse me? You heard me, why don't you come over here? We'll roll around in the forest for a while. I'm sorry, who are you? I'm Wolverine. So? So I like the hair sticking out of your ears there, lynx. I'm not a lynx. I'm a man.

I skip under rainbows. I'll have you know when I whistle. See? That only turns me on all the more. Get over here. Wolverine wants some links. God. I mean, what, you know,

why does getting older have to be so humiliating? Why does it have to be so defaming and so, oh, so cruel? What, just because we're outliving father time. You've got to punish us punish us by giving us weird hairs everywhere and

making us start to droop and sag and get bad posture and go gray and bald and wrinkly and thanks a lot. Jeez. So now I'm all of a sudden my links. I'm like crawling around my house on my

all fours looking for mice. Now in the mornings when I wake up I sit by the window and I watch for birds to fly around and I watch them, you know, jump from branch to branch. And you ever see a house cat inside of a house staring out at the birds? They go berserk. They just, they don't even meow. They're like, they start making these guttural throat noises where they're so in ecstasy and in bloodlust watching these birds jump around in front of them.

They forget how to meow. Their jaws start quivering. They're just like, and the birds have no idea. They're just jumping around doing their things, and the cats are going aped crap. It's like, dudes, how about you dudes that you remember the first time you ever went to a strip joint?

Your very, very first time, you're like 17, and you sat in the front row, and here's these full-grown, figure-esque, big bosomed, beautiful women like 10 out of tens just parading in front of you to ACDC songs and Bon Jovi Yeah that's what it's like you were sitting there It's like look look look but don't touch

Yeah so that's what I do in the morning Because I'm now that I'm a lynx I'm an old lynx with tufts of hair green throwing out of my ears. I sit in the window and watch the chickadees jump around. Wouldn't it be nice if a couple of strippers started jumping around in my tree? I'd probably have a stroke.

God. There's a dead lynx over here. Can someone pick that up, please? Yeah, I'll get it. Not you, Wolverine. Oh, I don't mind. I've had my eye on that hairy ear-tuffed and freak for a while. So there you go.

No nobility in getting old. None at all. Okay, and before we go, can we talk about that swear word? There's a lot of swear words. Okay, we all know them, the F-bomb, the shit bomb, the F-U bomb. There's a lot of them. But who came up with the, the, M-O-1 or the M-F one the motherfucker

That one's pretty pretty vile when you break it down Like you know Fucking your own mother I'm sorry but I'm just I'm breaking down this word It's just not a good one it's one it's one I think should not be used And then you know if you say it to a woman Then you have to picture the woman like strapping on like a dildo or something something and doing their money it's just vile i know i know it's horrible i don't even want to talk about it but but i have to because somebody called in and the pavement pounder called in

and forced me to talk about it and you know it's just a crazy word and then think about it before you use it okay i don't want anyone to be out there if you use a more clinical term for that word, it's sexual intercourse with your mother. And we don't want that. Although I wonder if in some of the hillbilly places in the world

it's used as a term of endearment. Oh, you're so wonderful. Thanks for the Christmas present, motherfucker. You're just, oh, you're just a wonderful, wonderful motherfucker. I couldn't have been, oh, I

couldn't be luckier to have such a motherfucker like you. Oh, my son, my son, my motherfucking son. And daughter. And what about me? And the Wolverine. And what about me? The lynx. And the links, too.

So let's not use that one, okay? Flirtle-Nergons and blablerga-blaggans. Let's stay away from the M-F word. Me no likey. Me no likey. And that's a question you, do you swear a lot?

Are you a swearer? Do you think maybe you should cut back on your swearing and your cussing and your bad words and your blueness? I don't know. I find that I have certain friends where I feel more inclined to be pottymouthed with and other friends that I don't. But I try to keep it pretty civil. I try to keep it polite. Rarely do I use cuss words around a lady, around a woman. Don't like to do that.

That's not gentlemanly. And I am a gentleman, after all, I do skip and whistle underneath rainbows. Oh, ho! I don't like that. Sorry, uh, sorry there, Wolverine. That's okay, Lynx. I'm just glad you're back from the dead. Well, no, I'm not.

I'm not. I'm still dead. Don't touch me. Stop it. Wolverine, stop it. So anyways, try if you can to be civil. Try not to swear

and use the motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker, motherfucker, fucker word. Okay? And I'll leave it there. Just a little, a little slice of verbal hygiene advice.

And there, I'll leave it there. Thanks again to everyone for coming out to the Comzilla comedy tour. My God, it was so exciting. I know I already went on about it, but I really genuinely was thrilled. We had such a good time. Thank you, everybody, in Western Canada, and hope we see you again.

But let's move on to present and future things. You can see me this weekend, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. 10th and 11th, I will be in Denver, Colorado, the land of legalized dope. Should I get high and record it? Should I get stone to go on stage and record it for you, people? I don't know. Should I?

I don't know. But I will be at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Two shows Friday night, October 10th. Two shows Saturday night, October 11th. And then the following week, October 16th through the 19th, you can catch me back up in Western Canada in Edmonton, Edmonton, Canada, at the comic strip, Rick Bronson's comic strip. That's in the West Edmonton Mall. And I'm going to tell you, last year, we sold out every show and had to add two shows and sold those out. So you better get your tickets for the Edmonton show.

Coming up in November, November 6th through 9th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida. And then November 13th through the 16th, excuse me, just swallowed a tuft of my own ear hair. I like the sound of that. Shut up, Wolverine. November 13th through 16th, I will be in San Jose, California, California at the improv. What a great club that is, too.

So that's some upcoming stuff. Remember, you can write me at harlornwilms.com. You can phone me. The phone number is on my website at harlornwilms.com. Also, please press the subscribe button to my YouTube channel so you can get all my latest wacky videos and so on and so forth. Don't forget the Harland Highway merchandise store is there as well.

And you can pick up some fun. merch over there so that's it for now ladies and gentlemen thank you for tuning in thanks again everyone who came to comzilla and until next time chicken chalman baby motherfucker