The Harland Highway - 614 - RABIES zoo. The Harland Highway HOO HAW!

Episode Date: October 16, 2014

Tired of old zoo's? Try the new Rabie zoo! Harland talks about a HOO HAW! SCAMS and SPAMS. Blunt my flunt!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yo, hey man, what's up, man. How you doing? How you doing, man? Welcome to the Highland Highway, man. I guarantee. We're going to have a good time today. Oh, that's right. I guarantee that, man. Hey, it's Harlan Williams, trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

Which is weird for this podcast. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I will be your host, as always. Yay, he's good. I really like him. Yeah, he sucks. What? But today we're going to be talking about some interesting stuff.

We're going to be talking about a very interesting spam email that I got where someone really wanted to help me. Some stranger just really wanted to help me for a hidden fee. Hello. And then this is interesting. Apparently there was a Harland Highway convention somewhere. and I missed it. Of all the people that should be at a Harland Highway convention,

I should have been there as the grand master of the whole ceremony. So wait, you hear this, I feel horrible. God. And then if you've been to the zoo lately, oh, God. I am just so over the zoo thing, man. The zoo, the zoo, the zoo, the poo, the poo. They need to do something about the zoos. I think I have the answer, but I always do on the Harland Highway.

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication.

He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on. sometime the harland highway you're all going to experience intense mental physical strength all right hold tight on the harland highway show don't let me do it i'm doing i swear to god don't be such a

fucking pussy you're new around here ain't you what's your name you're listening to harland williams welcome to the harland highway Make a trip to the zoo. We're going to the zoo. How about you? Yep. Let's go to the zoo, kids. Yeah, let's go to the zoo and let's see the animals in the zoo, kids.

Let's see the animals sleeping in the zoo, kids. Let's see the animals laying on the ground doing nothing, kids. Let's go to the zoo and watch the slumber party. Have you been to the zoo lately? Have you ever been to the zoo? Ah, it can be disappointing. You got all these exotic animals from all over the world, and you spend hours in there, and it's like, oh, there's a gorilla.

I saw him rub his ass on a log. I stood in front of the lions for an hour and a half. I think I saw the tip of his tail flicker. There's a monkey sitting up in a branch. It looks like he's, you know, the orangutang. Looks like an old homeless guy hunched over in an alleyway, just slumped. He's sleeping off a hangover. Elephants just standing there rocking back and forth,

maybe a little straw in their trunk, just wiggling it around. I mean, geez, these animals. I think maybe they come alive at night or something. It's almost like, do you ever go to the museum? And instead of live animals, they got like a bunch of stuffed animals behind the glass. They got taxidermine polar bears and elk, alligators. I don't know if there's that much difference between looking at those, the stuffies, and the livies, at the zoo. It's like, okay, kids, let's go see the rhinoceros.

It's brought all the way in from Africa. And there he is, way in the back, laying down. I think, oh, wait, that's a rock. Yeah, the rhino's in his hut. It's too hot. But let's pretend that big gray rock is the rhino. Come on. You know what?

I'm proposing a new zoo. I propose a news. You know what I propose a rabies zoo? That's right, I said it. Rabies. Let's get all those damn animals crawling with rabies. Let's have them going berserk. I want to see gorillas headbutting cement walls.

I want to see silverback gorillas punching through cement walls. I want to see lions jumping over the wall into the panda cage and eating baby pandas. that's right I want to see koalas throwing handfuls of shit at people I want to see I want to see

kangaroos jumping up and drop kicking people with the ninja kicks with those bouncy beat I want to see people standing on the wall at the draft enclosure looking in the draft starts swinging his head around like a heavy metal guy and uses it like a

a ball and chain and just swings his head and knocks people off the wall. I want to see Ryan Atten. Ryan Oswis is stabbing each other. I want to see the anteater, man. I want to see the anteater. I want it to be crawling with rabies. It looks like possessed by Satan. Anteaters have those long tongues. I want that tongue coming out like Linda Blair and the Exorcist.

Remember that scene when Linda Blair's tongue is flicking out of her face? I want to see the ante. I want to see the anteater. Just puking green vomit on people. I want to see moose having a fight. I want to see them smashing their heads together like you see on the nature shows. I want to see the Rams like running at each other and slamming their brains. together until they're dazed.

I want to see tigers attacking elephants. Something. Give those damn animals some rabies. Get them to life, man. Enough with the, you know, the camp Noah's Ark where everything just. Oh, great. There's a pride of lions. Let's see a lion fight, man.

Come on. Rabies, rabies, rabies. I want to see a skunk spray a fucking grizzly bear right in the face. I want to see a... to see a mountain line attack its own tail. Just eat it. So there you go. That should be the new zoo.

Hi kids. Let's go to the rabies zoo. Hi kids. Let's make a trip to the rabies. Zoo. Hello? Hi, what's up, Holland? It's Vince again.

Listen, bro, I'm not sure why you ain't here at this International Holland Highway fan club meeting yet, but listen, bro, I got someone here wants to talk to you. Just put some words in your ear. Here you go, buddy. Is Horan? No, man, no man. This is Holland's voicemail. Horan voicemail. Hi. It's Pink. I head of Horan Highway bankrupt. Let's come all the way out here to L.A. for you. I hope

you come soon. All right? Hi, boy. I, uh, listen, man. I'm gonna give you call back, but I hope you call me first. Aye. Peace, son. Um, oh boy. Uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, listen, man, I'm gonna give you call back, but I'm gonna give you call me first. I, please, sir. Um, oh boy. Uh, I did not, I was not aware of the Harland Highway fan club. Oh, boy. Sorry, guys. I was not made aware of this. I think this was done under the radar. Uh, if you guys put together a convention or a Harland Highway fan club party or something, I, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I'm not there.

Hey, maybe next year, okay? But thanks, guys. I really apologize. Ting, you know, the head of the fan club, I appellate came all the way from Japan. God. Got to love the Orient. Hey, and speaking of Asian persuasion,

I want to read an email I got to you guys. apparently from China, okay? This was a good one. This was a good, like, kind of scammie, con artist, like, spammy. I don't know what this one is. It's almost pretty good. It's almost intriguing. It's almost, like, tempting.

But at the end of the day, there's some things in it that are a little iffy, and it sounds like somebody's fishing to try and get some money out of a suss. sucker. So let me read this email that came in to me and see what you think of it. Okay, so I'm going to read it to you. Here it is. It comes in. I don't know how they got my email. This is to my personal email. So it's very strange. It comes in from some guy, strange name, genteel Shantz. I've never heard the name Gentile, and I've never heard the name Shantz.

and together it's even more improbable. So here we go, Gentile Shantz. Here's his email. Hi, Harlan. My name is, oh, now it's Paul Shantz. All right, that seems a little more. I'm a Canadian who lives in China with my Chinese wife, Gentile. Okay, here we go.

Chinese name, and he pronounces it. All right, all right. So that clears that up. And it's a Canadian guy, and I'm Canadian. So already I've got a connection with the guy. And he says, We run our own language service center in Hangzhou, China. And my wife is looking to get into the translation business.

Specifically, she's looking to translate very interesting books in brackets like yours into Chinese. Now, as you know, I've written a book called The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know. and I've written like nine children's books. So I find it interesting they don't name the book. It just says, very interesting books in brackets like yours into Chinese. We've been looking around the internet for a good project to start her off with, and after finding your book, my wife asked me to reach out to you. Again, they don't name the book, which I find peculiar.

We both seem to think that there would be a big demand for, your book in China. And there are several sites where you can put up your book for sale. Now, I don't know if you've read my book. The things you don't know, you don't know. But it's very twisted. It's a little bizarre. Most of the references probably refer to, you know,

North American references. And I think a Chinese person would read it and just be like mystified. Here they go. Also, Amazon has a Chinese mirror site that many Chinese people use to buy books. My wife has a lot of translation experience. She has done all the translation for our own language center. All the course materials, legal payables, leases.

She is an avid reader and wants to start translating books. Since this would be her first book, not sure about that. And here it comes. We would be quite flexible on the rate. Oh, so let's see. I'm doing you a favor because your wife wants practice translating a book and all of a sudden you're going to charge me for doing you a favor?

As the main purpose is to get her some experience. Okay, you want experience? Go ahead and translate my book. I ain't paying you. Here we go. It continues. We would just ask that you be a little flexible on the timeline since it might take her a little longer to get over the first-time hurdles. We can guarantee a very quality product once it's finished, but it may take us a little longer to get there. So, in other words, give us your money.

We're going to disappear. You don't contact us for a while. And by the time you do, we'll vanish. After the translation, if you would like, we can put the book on Chinese sites for sale as a free service and a way to say thank you for letting us translate. We also have some connections with agents and publishers in China and could make introductions for you if you wish. If you're interested, we would love to hear you. I can be reached at dot, dot, dot, dot the email. We could set up a time to chat over Skype so you could get to know us a little bit.

Take care, and hopefully hear from you, Paul. and on behalf of Gentile a Shantz. You know, I don't know. What do you guys think? Is it a scam? Is it real? How did this complete stranger from China get my email? And by the way, I don't think I haven't thought about it

that maybe by opening the email, these guys could be impostors. Because all you hear about nowadays is how China is infiltrating everybody's email. I don't know. I guess I just ran the risk. But I'm just not buying the whole they want to translate my book and put it into China. Why me? And why not name the book? Why not tell me parts of the book that you liked?

Why charge me a fee if I'm helping you get experience? So none of it makes sense. I hate to sound skeptical and pessimistic. I don't like to be that guy. but I also don't like to be the guy that got scammed. So maybe I'm sitting a little bit in the middle here, but I'd like to hear what you guys think. Sounds a little fishy to me.

So I'm not going to do it. If you are the guy that wrote and you had nothing but good intentions, I apologize. But you can blame the scammers on the Internet for making me skeptical and making me leery of your generous offer of translating my book. and asking me to pay you to do it. So I'll leave it there.

Pretty interesting. And, Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Don't throw your back out. Oh, we got another call, Roj. All right, let's listen to another phone call. Haren, it's PING. Harrison, man, and you don't show up. We start in Nuwanda. A lot of people rest. All other members of Haren Highway Vancrub from Japan already rest, but PING still bereaved.

I stay. Vince said, Vince go home. I call you back Rader. I know you coming, so I see you soon. Uh-oh. Um, yeah. Don't know that I'm going to make it there, fellas. Ting.

But, uh, hey, I, maybe I see you raider. Maybe I don't see you raider. But, uh, you know, wow, I don't know what to say. Let's move on. Um, question, gang. Question. question of the day The Harland Highway

Question of the day What is a CD What is a VHS I know I know if you said that 10 years ago You'd be like What are you an idiot dude Like hello a CD is like where all your music is

And like VHSs are like Your movies and stuff and whatnot Well Let me ask you this. How many of you, when was the last time you bought a DVD? And surely when was the last time you bought a VHS? And why don't, while I'm at it, throw in CDs. Maybe CDs are the ones that are hanging on a little bit,

but their days are numbered. Their days are numbered. And it's so weird because I still have CDs sitting around my house. I don't have VHS's about, I'd say about five years ago, I put those in a box and put them in the garage. Why I didn't throw them out? I don't know, maybe because they cost a fortune way back then, and I collected all my favorite movies,

and I thought, oh, wow, I'll have all my favorite movies forever, man. And then once I bought them, I never looked at them once. I just needed to possess. I needed to own my own movie that I loved. oh man i'm gonna buy star wars man i'm gonna i'm gonna put it on the shelf and one day i'm gonna watch it did never watched it once uh you know all your movies you never watched hardly and the cds now they're they're like kind of they're still sitting on a shelf but i never play them anymore i haven't played a cd in years and and cars and trucks

the new ones don't have cd players anymore most of them don't 95% don't. And so CDs are just gonzo. Like, they don't even have the CD slot in the sides of new computers now. So it's like, holy smokes. So why do we have them? How long do they got is the big question? We've got to get back to the future, Marty.

Yeah, we do. And I still have a lot of good stuff store. on CDs, man, and DVDs. Like, I got some of my favorite tunes. I got some of my favorite movie clips. Now I've got to go through them all and download them into digital and blah, blah, blah. And then by the time I do that, digital won't even exist. Everything will be a hologram or some kind of lightsaber.

I want you to watch your family movies, Luke. I want to see a raisin brand commercial Luke I don't know Now I don't know what I'm talking about So I guess that's my It's a couple of questions of the day Do you have CDs still And if so what do you do with them?

I don't know Maybe dig a hole in the backyard Buy a gravestone And just carving it here lies my old friend cd yeah cd completely dead the harland highway question of the day hello hello yo harlowe's up it's uh Vince calling you again uh listen man uh we was all uh pretty upset that you didn't come to stop by there and night uh just

being honest with you, man. But anyway, I thought I should tell you firsthand, things got a little out of hand the other night, towards the end of the night. Listen, man, I don't know how to tell you this, but your biggest fan ping, I think he offed himself, son. He went and he offed himself with a cocktail weenie. So I'm sorry to bring the bad news to you, man.

I'm not saying it's your fault or anything. Just saying you didn't show up. So, anyway, I'd say least you could do is show up to Ping's funeral. It's going to be this Saturday. All right, man. I'll see you at the funeral. I, peace. Um, a cocktail weenie.

He killed himself with a cocktail weenie. Okay. Well, I guess I better figure out where the funeral is for Ping. Ping! Not too soon, too soon. Ping, ping, ping, too soon. No, no, no, not. I don't know.

Ping! Way too soon. Sorry, Ping. Sorry, ping! Too soon. Wow, I really blew it, man. You know, I didn't know that I had a convention or a fan party or whatever. Maybe that's a good idea.

Maybe that's something we should do. We should do a yearly Harland Highway party. and, you know, get a hotel. Maybe we do it like right in the middle, like right in the middle of the country so the people can come in from all coasts. Because if I do it on the West Coast, then no one from the East will come.

And if I do it from the East Coast, if I do it on the East Coast, no one from the West is too far. So if we do it right in the middle like St. Louis or Oklahoma or something like that, just get a crummy hotel. I like to share it in or something and rent a ballroom

and bring some of my comedy friends and we do a night of stand-up comedy and we could even do some live Harland Highway podcasts and we could have characters, people could dress up as some of the characters from the show, maybe we could bring ping back from the dead.

I don't know, you guys might be on to something here, man. There might be something. Maybe I need to hear from you guys and see if this is a good idea. And it can't be like three of you. Like if three really hyper Harland Highway pavement pounders go,

yeah, man, do it, do it. That's not enough. I mean, the money's got to go into this. I've got to rent a ballroom. I've got to fly comedians out. I've got to, there's a lot of planning. But If I get a lot of emails and a lot of phone calls, who knows?

Maybe this could be the beginning of something. We've been doing this podcast. I think this is the fifth or sixth year. I've lost track, man. Maybe we all deserve a Harland Highway. I don't know, what would we call it? The Harland Highway Hacienda? Now, that's sleeping, isn't it?

No, what is that? I don't speak Portuguese. A Harland Highway. hoo-ha? I don't know, man. You tell me, this is just an idea. I'm not saying it's going to happen, but it sounds like it could be fun.

You can write me at harlandwilions.com, or you can pho me at 323-739, 433.30. That's 3-2-3-739, 433. 30. Throw some ideas around. It would be fun, though. Imagine the Harland Highway bringing strangers together who share a common bond.

And what would really get me gone, which would be really cool, is you know that at something like this, a man and a woman will meet. Or a couple of men and women will meet. And wouldn't that be amazing if it led to a wedding and children and a family? All because of this redonculus podcast. I would instantly, the only rule would be I would instantly have to be an honorary godfather. If any, if any pavement pounders met and had families, I just instantly, that's part of the deal.

I don't become the godfather. I become an honorary godfather. Oh, man, I could, I'm choking up. I'm getting emotional. I could have hundreds of kids all over the country. Or then there's the other side of this whole fiasco where maybe I only have nine listeners. I don't know how many listeners I have. I'll share a little secret with you.

The tracking devices for podcasts are ridiculous. Okay? I go from like having 43,000 listeners one week to having, you know, 700 the next week. Okay? I know guys who have podcasts who are at best opening act comedians or, you know, have done amateur night or don't even, aren't even stand-ups or don't have any credits. And you don't need them. But I'll go visit with guys or I'll hear guys tell me, oh, yeah, I got a podcast, man. I'm like, good for you, dude.

Yeah, we have about, you know, 10, 20, 30,000 listeners per show. I'm like, really? Oh, yeah, you know, it's just rough. You know, it's probably more, but yeah, every week we get like 30, 40,000. Oh, good for you. I ain't buying it. Because if I can't even figure out my own and most guys I talk to can't really get a real number on it. You know, I might have a ballpark number.

I don't even know. So who knows if this thing would work? But it could be fun. And it wouldn't be just about the podcast. It would be building stuff around it. Like I said, doing a comedy show, blah, blah, blah. Maybe some sketches, some, who knows? I need feedback from you people.

We'll see. And now I've been blabbering on about you. You can thank these guys who were at the convention, the first guys at the convention, the Harlan Highway hoo-ha. I think that might be it. I think I'm liking that. I did it as a joke. It was the first thing that popped into my head.

Well, Hacienda was the first thing, and I still don't know what that means. It means house or hat or sleeping. But the Harland Highway Hoo-Ha, or hoo-ha. See, I don't even know. Forget it. All right, something to think about. In the meantime, let's get to some announcement.

What? no there's not one more call it's over well there's one more call Roger says there's one more call it's oh my god now what um hello mr williams uh this is uh this is the head of sales and uh events here at the hilton

uh hilton garden inn um i'm just calling i'm afraid we're having a kid's party come in and your banners from your convention are still up uh it appears that no one else is around i've attempted to call you because, yeah, the children are coming in, and we're going to have to clean this place out. Anyway, I'm ever so sorry to bother you and waste your time. I just wanted to get in touch with you and let you know that you have a mess that need

to be cleaned out there. Thank you very much. Okay, I'll be right over because you guys don't hire janitors. Is that it? I had nothing to do with it. I had nothing to do with the unauthorized, illegal Harland Highway hoo-ha. But in the future, we might have one. Who knows?

Stay tuned, pavement pounders. Silly pavement pounders. Let's move on. We're at the end of the show. I got so caught up in this guy's fantasy of wanting a Harland Highway hoo-ha that I used up so much time. All right. Well, anyways, let's move on. to real things that are happening in my life right now, currently.

Tonight, yes, tonight. I will be in Edmonton, Alberta at the Comic Strip Comedy Club in the West Edmonton Mall. And it'll be Thursday through Sunday. That's October 16th through the 19th. And we are going to have a blast. Please come out and enjoy the fun. And then I'm kind of done until November. So November 6th through the 9th.

You can catch me in Tampa, Florida at the Improv, which is a great club. And then a club that's just as great as the Improv in San Jose, which is going to be November 13th to November 16th. So some really good improv dates coming up right there. Hope you can make it, man. Like I said, if you want to write to me, I'm at harlomwilliams.com. If you want to call, 323-739, 43330. And while you're at the website, check out the store, the merchandise source,

some new t-shirts up there, hand-drawn t-shirts. If they're not sold out already, they never seem to last very long. Music, CDs, books, you name it, all kinds of fun things. And while you're there, click on my YouTube icon So you can get my YouTube videos sent to you And that's it, join me at Harlan Williams That's my Twitter handle, at Harlan Williams I'm there on Facebook, oh, I'm everywhere

I'm everywhere but at the Sheridan Gardens For my own convention Oh, ping, ping, ping, ping. Oh, well, we'll see you up at the grave, And until next time, everybody, chicken chowmaine, baby. Hi, it's Ping. I head of Horan Highway bankrupt. And I come all the way out here to L.A. for you.

I hope you come soon. All right? Ping!