The Harland Highway - 615 - The HERMIT in the woods. What is a Monkey Wrench?

Episode Date: October 20, 2014

A strange story about a man living in the woods for decades. Let's call the hardware store for a monkey wrench. How do u like your chicken? Sand blast my sassafrass!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All the leaves are brown, leaves are brown, and the skies are gray. Horrible, horrible way to start the podcast. I do apologize. That song was in my head, and obviously not much else. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I am Harlan Williams. And great to have you here, gang. What a tasty treat!

Today we are We're going to be doing a crank phone call We're going to be calling a hardware store And looking for something fun So stick around for that We're going to be talking I'm going to be reading a story A crazy news story about

It's insane This crazy hermit Some man decided to walk away from society and go and live in the woods in Maine, in the state of Maine. And way to you hear his journey and how it started and how he survived and how he got caught. Pretty fascinating stuff. And then also we're going to have the Harland Highway question of the day.

Very, very important question today involves poultry of all things. Oh, yes. poultry. So there you go. Hang on to your drumstone. This is the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan. Funny stuff, bro.

Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God.

Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're never around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. We're rocking luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. The Harlan Highway. Crazy news story.

That's weird. That's strange stuff. I'm going to crazy. Okay, so this lead story here on today's podcast, this is the lead story. Come in, come in. Is this that crazy or isn't it? I don't know. I'm maybe a little mixed on this one.

Apparently, there was a hermit living in the woods for 27 years. years in Maine, the state of Maine. Police say a hermit stole to survive for 27 years in the woods, living a life of solitude and larceny. A guy named Christopher Knight told police he had lived undetected in the woods for 27 years spoken to only one person in that time and not made a single purchase since them in 1980s. I don't know. Is that crazy or is that fantastic? Knight knew out of steel authority said, and how to stay hidden, even though his tent lay within 600 yards of the nearest cabin. Such is the singular world of the man dubbed

the North Pond Hermit by the long spooked residence here. So I guess this guy had been living in the woods and he's kind of like a big or a cuba chabra or whatever those are called cupa chabra i don't know what i don't speak spanish i don't speak spanish i can't say chukapabra nelli frittato i don't know um but this guy was like kind of a whisper through the trees people claimed they'd seen them people had talked about it became a legend for like 27 years holy smokes um it said that he's spooked the residents and said to have committed more than 1,000 burglaries for food, fuel, tools, and clothing since he left a computer technician job and retreated to the forest. How bad was that place to work at?

I wonder how they're feeling right now. You know, we probably should have supplied a bathroom and maybe paid our employees and maybe let them go home at night. Hey, where's Christopher? So now this guy, the hermit, it's like a Lord of the Rings guy living up there in Maine. 47-year-old guy is living in the county correctional facility facing burglary and theft charges. It's pretty amazing.

Apparently people are like, how did this guy survive for 27 winters in the open? Someone said it's ironic that someone who wanted to be completely anonymous is now the most famous citizen in Maine. Well, you know Stephen King lives up there, man. You know Stephen King's like probably already, like, writing the horror story, right? until night's arrest in April, police had been stymied time and time again in their quest to find this elusive hermit. I love that name, Hermit. It's kind of creepy, but it's kind of cool, too.

Searches had been conducted in the woods, and troopers slept overnight in the camps. Wildlife cameras were put up in the forest, where they caught fleeting images of a man who seemed too well-dressed to be a survivalist. They said the problem with this guy, he was a myth and a legend for years. No one knew if he was actually real. And then the guy got arrested at a camp for disabled children and adults, and they realized this guy is real. Geez, what the hell was he doing at that camp?

I am a hermit. I must come and help the disabled children and adults. I will rub pond mud on you and put leeches on your wounds. I will be your hermit. Mentally challenged children. I mean, what are the mentally challenged children thinking? Here's this hermit running around. I mean, mentally challenged people obviously have trouble just with everyday things.

You're throwing a hermit at the poor little kids? There's a hermit over here. Easy, Billy. There's nothing there. I saw a hermit. No, Billy. Billy, there's no hermit. He's running around in the woods.

And I thought a hermit. Billy, there's no hermit running around in the woods. I saw him. He put bug repellent on me. Billy? I thought the hermit. God. Um...

What's going on here? This is terrible. They say the hermit, though, never physically harmed anyone. But his unseen presence frightened children and unnerved adults for years. Yeah, I guess so, man. You don't want to be out playing in the woods or going for a hike knowing there's a hermit out there. The area was blanketed with a sense that someone was always watching. I mean, imagine you're out hiking and you've got to, like, go to the bathroom in the woods.

You got to take a pee or you got to sit over a log and let it go. You're grunting away, and all of a sudden you look over and there's a hermit watching you. Hi! Oh, my God! Who the hell are you? Hi, just a hermit. Continue taking a dump. Oh, my God!

You okay? you need some extra leaves. Oh, my God! I'm here if you need me. I'm the hermit. If you need me to wipe your bottom, just give me the thumbs up. Good Lord.

So Knight's Impact was one of absolute terror, they say. They say, They don't think he knew he was doing such emotional mental harm. As a result, locks were changed and windows replaced. Anxious youngsters were confronted with the thought that the hermit was simply a hungry man. Good God. Hey, children, don't go in the woods as a child eater.

Yeah, but what if I do it dump and he wipes my bottom? I said, don't go in there. Okay. Knight's alleged hall on the night of his arrest confirmed that he was wearing new jeans, a sporty outdoor jacket. He was found lugging a roll of Hormel bacon, 10 sweetheart sweet tarts, two tubs of Folgers coffee, craft marshmallows, and a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips. There was also an LLB backpack, Amatron Watch, Stearns Poncho, and a roll of electrical tape. Well, this guy certainly had a taste for designer clothes

for a guy of a hermit who's living in the mud. You know, this is a guy that sleeps in lily pads at night, and he suddenly's got, he's wearing an LLB in backpack and an Amatron watch, a Stern's poncho. Can you say fashion-conscious hermit? I love his eating habits too. Yeah, give me a ball of bacon, some potato chips. I'll need some marshmallows with that and some sweet tarts for dessert.

Good Lord. People in the area claim he burglarized their cottages. One guy says he feels like this guy robbed him like 50 times. he says we knew his pattern pretty good he'd hit us early in the spring and take like propane tanks coolers rain jackets food and he even took a battery operated five inch television well wait a minute why would the hermit who wants to cut himself off from society want to watch television

I am a hermit I must live in the woods and eat pine cones and watch Monday night football And then this guy got to the point He'd leave him a note He said, don't break in, just tell me what you need And I'll put it by the side of the road The hermit never took him up on the offer

So now they're negotiating with the hermit He said he was afraid of the guy he says, I'm a pretty good-sized guy, but, you know, he was still afraid of the guy. He said that Knight rarely took anything valuable and was careful not to cause any damage. It used to be a big joke, how many pairs of Pansdiav left?

Apparently Knight read voraciously. He kept up on current events through battery-powered radios. Anything he could steal to read, he'd steal. Including Vanity Fair magazines. Well, that's, I would explain his immaculate wardrobe. You know, guys dressing up in designer clothing to go sleep in the pussy willows in the swamp. Good Lord, man.

What else is going? This is a crazy story. Let's see. What else did he have? Anything he could steal to read, he'd steal. Including pirata, cosmopolitan, and Vanity Fair magazines. Some residents even left books for him to take. Knight did not know the name of the town where his camp was located.

But he did know about the celebrity Kardashian sisters. Okay, that's just sad. Okay? Of all the things for this hermit to know, this is a guy eating beetles and living in the woods, and somehow he knows about those morons, that's a reason for all of us to go into the woods. The guy had no identification when he was arrested

after a motion sensor detected him at Pine Tree Camp. There you go, I see him again. There we go. I'm telling you, there's a fucking man in the woods. What? Easy Billy. But I'm telling you. He declined to speak at first, but gradually opened up, even though Knight said he had learned from cheesy television shows

that he could speak with a lawyer first. Come on. Now I'm starting to wonder how much of a hermit this guy was. He admitted to approximately 40 burglaries. Why can't I say that word? Burglaries. Burglaries. Burglaries.

There it is. I keep over and nuncy. I'm like 40 burglaries. 40 burglaries in a year for the last 27 years. 40 a year for 27 years. Wow. Knight did not know if his parents were alive. He also told the police he'd never been sick

because that required human contact. Knight could not remember exactly when he left for the woods but said his decision coincided with the year. year of the Chernobyl nuclear accident in the Ukraine in 1986. Oh, my God. Hey, geography lesson here, dude. You know, Chernobyl's on the other side of the world, I think you'll be okay. And I don't think radiation clouds discriminate between going through the trees and going

through buildings. So, wow, that's pretty crazy. The cops said, are you happy? And he said, no, I'm content. They're two different things. Through trial and error, he learned how to live through the harsh Maine winters in a campsite, obscured by thick trees and ringed by large boulders. He stockpiled enough food in the fall to last until March,

deliberately put on extra weight for the winter, and traveled only at night. That's pretty smart. Residents are deeply skeptical that night lived outdoors in the bitter sub-zero conditions. Instead, they speculate he probably eased inside one of the dozens of cabins he had burglarized. Burglar... That makes sense, man. I mean, come on. I don't know if you've ever spent time in Canada or in the north when it's winter.

I mean, that is surviving that for 40 years or whatever this guy did, that's pretty crazy. But people who interview him are convinced he stayed outdoors year-round. There's no doubt in my mind they said that this man lived in the woods for 27 years. Wow. When Knight led the police to his home, a 50-minute walk from Pine Tree Camp, They saw a mattress mounted on a frame, a nylon tent covered by tarps, a closed line, and a bumper harvest of propane tanks for cooking.

A half dozen sleeping bags helped keep night warm and dry in the coldest conditions. Okay. All of this stuff had been stolen, night said. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Before the woods but came home, Knight grew up in a rural town near Waterville and wrote in his high school yearbook that he wanted to work with computers. The glasses he donned for his 1984 yearbook picture appeared to be the same glasses he wore on the night of his arrest.

Wow. Yeah, imagine if he broke his glasses. He'd have to... Listen, I'm a hermit, and I haven't talked to anyone in, you know, 40 years. But is this Lenscrafters? Yeah. Yeah, could you whip me up some new glasses,

so I can... I gotta get back to the woods before the dragonfly larva hatch. That's my dinner. Knight said he had no other possessions, no journal, no clothing. of his own, no identification, he did not have a criminal record before his arrest, and no missing person report had been filed.

At his mother's home, a two-story wooden farmer was near Lake Albion, an elderly woman waved away a reporter, and she quickly closed the door. When two of his brothers visited a night in jail, they said they had to introduce themselves. Wow. Knight expected to die in the wood. but he could not articulate why he decided to live there. He liked reading about hermits as a child. He told the trooper, but nothing traumatic happened in his life.

Well, there you go. Be careful what you give your kids. You know, you give them a book about hermits. Suddenly your kids living in the woods eating like tree bark. Now he's waiting a mental evaluation be held in a jail. And Knight is joking, putting it. on weight and looking healthier. The district attorney

says the case which carries a maximum sentence of 25 years is more than crime and punishment. She says, I'm looking at what I can do to protect the community and make sure that he's not a threat to the community and I'm also looking at what I can do make the victims whole.

That could include some restitution although night has not earned pay for 27 years. Hello. They said that could maybe come from future earnings. They said, despite getting the hermit out of the woods and being relieved, we'll be talking about the hermit for years and years around the campfire. Yeah, and he'll probably be watching you around the campfire.

So, you know, you've got to ask, given this guy jail time, it's like, okay, he broke in, but it seems like he was very harmless. and it wasn't like he was breaking in to take stuff down to the pawn shop and make a living off it. There wasn't like a criminal element to his break-ins. It was survival. He literally was breaking in just to stay alive. And I think for that reason, you know, you have to go light on the guy

because, you know, he didn't have criminal intent. he was almost like a really good homeless guy, you know? But he didn't have the advantage of being a homeless guy in the city where there's a lot of handouts and there's soup kitchens and there's this and that. He was a homeless guy just like toughing it out in Mother Nature. So pretty interesting, man. And a little add-on to that.

And I thought this was really some really good writing that this guy did. I guess he liked to read and he wrote a little something about his adventure as a hermit in the woods for 27 years. And I thought it was like pretty incredible the way he kind of worded it. And here it is. When they asked him what it was like living as a hermit in the woods, here he is, and this is a quote, Solitude did not increase my perception. But here's the tricky thing.

When I applied my increased perception to myself, I lost my identity. With no audience, no one to perform for, I was just there. There was no need to define myself. I became irrelevant. The moon was the minute hand, the seasons, the hour hand. I didn't even have a name. I never felt lonely.

To put it romantically, I was completely free. That's pretty deep, man. You know? I mean, for a guy living in the woods, it's pretty much cut off, except he knows the Kardashians. That's pretty deep. And that's that last sentence,

I was completely free. That's where you have to go. Was this guy demented and wrong? Or did this guy have it all figured out, man? Because part of you goes, this is a guy that shook all the trappings for the most part of the modern world. Although obviously, after reading all that,

he did, you know, somewhat get involved. but you have to look at the yin and the yang and you go my goodness was this guy right was he completely free stress free or the bad side is does he really exist because without anyone knowing he exists he doesn't exist

which is a good argument too but then you got to go well do you really do you really need the acknowledgement of everyone else in the world. Because in the end, aren't we just all alone anyhow? I don't know. Are we not? I don't know, but that's what I like about what this guy said.

It definitely opens up a big bag of concepts. And it's deep. It's deep stuff. So, you know, this guy should write a book, the way he worded things. I love the way he goes, the moon was the minute hand, the seasons, the hour hand. And I didn't have a name. I mean, that's almost like, God, that's almost like Steinbeck or something. That's pretty good. So anyways, that's the story.

I know it's a little long, but I thought it was pretty interesting. So there you go. If you're tired of your job, you're tired of your work, you're tired of your family. You know, go grab a Walmart sleeping bag and a battery-powered television and go watch the Kardashians in the forest for the next 30 years. Just don't be looking at me when I've got to go take a leak. Thank you very much. Hello?

Hello? It's a good day at Tuesday, Sardway. This is Tracy. Help me help you. Hi, how are you today? Well, yourself. Good. This is Darius, and do you sell wrenches? Sell them, yes. Because I have a bit of a, I guess it's a bathroom emergency.

My toilet's overflowing. Uh-huh. And I need, I think I need, and maybe you can help me with this. It's called a monkey wrench. Yeah. Hold on this moment, okay? Okay, thanks. Uh-huh.

It's a great day. It's Jose's hardware. This is Corey. How am I help you? Hi, Corey. This is Darius. I'm looking for, I think it's called a monkey wrench. Do you have...

Hello? Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a monkey wrench. A monkey wrench? I have my toilet's just, I don't know what happened. It's bubbling over, and I just, there's water coming out, and I need, someone told me I need a monkey wrench, and I don't have a clue. Okay, give me one second. Thank you.

Do you need a left or right-handed monkey wrench? Oh, my gosh. Um, you know what? Is it possible to get both? Both? Yeah, sure. A left and a right? Yeah. Okay. And, um, how do they work? Because I'm, I'm just, I don't know how to do this kind of thing, but I, I need to stop the water. You need to stop the water?

My toilet. Right. First thing, you should definitely come in and get one first. Okay. Are they heavy? No. Pardon? No, they're not heavy at all. Like how much do you think they weigh roughly? Give me one second. I'll go put it on a scale for you.

Okay, thank you so much. It weighs about two pounds. Oh, two pounds and any ounces or... No, just two pounds. Okay, and what color are they? They are silver. Oh, like a silver-back gorilla? Now, are the monkey wrench is hairy?

No, they're not. Okay, and do you sell bananas there, so if it gets hungry, I could feed it, or? No, we don't sell bananas. Sorry about that. Oh, my God. Do they bite? No. Okay, well, could you wrap up three for me? Sure, could I talk to Michael? Michael?

Yeah. No, this is Darius. This is Darius. Rucker? Well, how did you know? It was a lucky guess. You are an angel sent from hardware heaven. Thank you.

Well, I'm going to be down there in about half an hour. Look for the pink Volkswagen, okay? All righty. Thank you so much, Hardware Angel. All right. Let Michael know we miss him. Okay, bye-bye. Bye.

Ah, the good old monkey ranch. What would be we miss him? we do without it. So there you go. I never did get my monkey wrench, but I mean, why the hell are they called monkey wrenches anyhow? Maybe I should save that for the question

of the day. Speaking of which, I think we have a Harland Highway question of the day, don't we, Raj? Yeah, cue it, baby. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, this is a very, very, very, very important question. It is an interesting one. And the question is, it involves food. The question is, when you order chicken wings, okay,

which one, which part do you like better? Because they always bring you the drumstick. or the little flat piece, you know, the flat piece with the two bones in it. And you're always kind of stuck with this dilemma. Well, well, wait a minute, which ones do I eat first? Which ones kind of taste better? Which ones do I like better? And I got to tell you, I kind of like the flat ones.

I kind of like to put them in my teeth and then like strip the meat off of them. You know what I mean? you stick that flat chicken wing in the back of your mouth, you clamp your teeth down on the front, and you kind of pull it, you pull it out of your mouth, in essence, stripping the meat away as you pull it, as opposed to the drumstick that you kind of eat around it in a circle. You kind of twirl it like a cob of corn.

And I always find the meat in the drumstick a little bit tougher. The texture seems a little bit tougher and a little bit chewy. and there's always like kind of at the at the tip of the drumstick there's always that clump there's always like the kind of this grisly like leftover meat that sticks to the tip of the bone and you kind of can't pull it off you kind of tug on it with your teeth but it it kind of hangs onto the bone and there's like a little little nub of grizzle but the other ones you're like pull them off and you can kind of stick your tongue in between the bones and yeah the meat always seems a lot softer and and uh fleshier and and has a better texture you the skin seems a little

more supple subtle i'm having trouble talking to day god what was subble subtle subtle subtle oh now i can't now it's in my head i might as well just go back to burglaries Suptal. I can't do it. Oh, I hate when that happens. But anyways, the meat is, I find it more tender. And just as you do when you eat chicken wings, it's a technique. It's your mouth is doing a lot of work.

There's a technique to prying the meat off the bone. and I find with the with the the drumstick it's like down at the bottom you have hardly any meat and it kind of blossoms up and you got this big bulb of meat at the top and so it's inconsistent whereas the flat the flat chicken wings are consistent from top to bottom they're usually the same thickness the same you know dimension and so it's a more consistent meat-tearing process. God, I sound like a sophisticated hyena. The only advantage maybe the drumstick has is when you go to dip,

it's maybe a little easier and a little cleaner, because you're able to put your fingers on the bone at the end of the drumstick, which is dry, usually. And you can use that to grip your chicken wing and dip it into the blue cheese or the ranch or whatever you're dipping it into. Whereas with the flat ones, you've got to kind of, it's a little funkier. It's a little messier to dip, and you have to put your hands right on the skin and the meat. So you're getting sticky and gooey and getting sauce all over your fingers.

But at the end of the day, the question is, which piece do you like better? the drumstick or the flat part. That is the very important Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway question of the day. So there you go. Important, important topics to deal with and understand. And if you can't handle these topics,

go live in the woods, you hermit. And that brings us to the end of the show. man, I realized I spent a lot of time on that hermit story, but I thought it was pretty fascinating because I believe that each and every one of us, probably not all of us, but a lot of us at one point in our life, probably had that moment where you go, man, civilization is too much. Society is too overwhelming. I'm just going to go live in a cabin in the woods, man. That's what I'm going to do. And I think it's a question we've all pondered, and maybe some of us have even acted on to a degree

where maybe we've gone and lived somewhere away from everything for maybe weeks or months, but to commit to 27 or 30 years or whatever this guy did is unbelievable. So, you know, it was a very interesting story and, you know, something that kind of got me thinking and maybe we'll get you thinking too. And if you're thinking, if you're thinking, you're thinking you want

laugh, ladies and fertile noggins. I recommend you take a look at my stand-up comedy schedule and get ready to laugh in November with me. November 6th through the 9th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at the Improv, which is a great, great club. You'll love it. November 13th to the 16th, I'm going to be right there at the Improv in San Jose, California, IA, and then November 20 to 22nd, I will be just north up in Seattle at the

Parlor Live. So a good November, going to Seattle, going to San Jose, going to Tampa Bay, and that all rhymes. Going to Seattle, going to San Jose, going to Tampa Bay. Then I'm going to go live in the woods. NP on a tree Okay, that ended poorly So yeah Go to my stand-up comedy schedule

Get your tickets online You don't want to miss these shows It's going to be fantastic Also click on my YouTube Subscription button right there on the page What else can I tell you? Go to the store We got great stuff at the store

I got a few new hand-drawn t-shirts available Which go really fast Unfortunately because I draw them by hand they're one of a kind uh you buy it you have the only one in the world and it's it's like walking uh wearing a a piece of art because i i i meticulously sit down and draw right on the fabric of the shirt and uh they're a little more expensive but that's because of the time and effort put into them and you're getting a harland williams original what what what do you van go all of a sudden what are you salvage

Dolly, who the hell do you think you are? Well, you know, it takes me a long time to do them. So, you know, and I am a bit of an artist. So I hope you like them. Take a look if they're still even available. Like I said, they go quickly. If you want to write to me, you can write me at harlowewilms.com. I might read your email on the show.

Or I might put your voice on the show if you want to call me at 323-739. 433-3-3-739-4-3-3-0. The number is on the website if you can't remember it at harlandw Williams.com. Tell your friends to join the Harlan Highway. Get in on the fun, damn it. And it's great to have you here. You can follow me on Twitter at Harlan Williams, or you can go to my Facebook page, whatever you want. And that's it, man. We are done for today. I'm going to head out to the woods and get ready for the next podcast. And until then, chicken, chameen, baby.