The Harland Highway - 617 - Technology fight! The movie FURY should be called PUSSY!

Episode Date: October 23, 2014

Harland gets into a technology frucus with a Pavement Pounder. Why is everyone crying in the movie FURY? A prank call to a mattress store, and anew commercial from Charlie Lee. Tank some stank!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, howdy, howdy, howdy, ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome, welcome to the Harlem Highway. Just pull up a chair, pull yourself a lemonade, and grind a chocolate chip cookie right into your fat little face. Mmm, what? Sorry about that. What a vile way to start the show? Hey, gang, it's me, your host, Harlan Williams. You're on the Harlan Highway, and I don't know why my voice is going up and down. Um, hey, welcome to the show. show a great show today um i am going to get into a technology fight yeah with one of the pavement pounders called in and uh i don't know i think we might have a throw down over uh technology so stick around for that later in the show uh we're going to be making a phone call to a mattress

door because my fake son has a problem pissing in the sheets uh we're going to be doing that call Also, I'm going to be doing not a movie review, but I went to see this movie, Fury, the new Brad Pitt Tank movie, and I'm Fury Us at what a pussy fest it is. It should be renamed Pussy, not called Fury. You're going to hear why. You've heard me rang out about this before, but I can't hold it in. I got to talk about it. And also an old friend makes a quick visit back to the show.

Charlie Lee, this is the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough.

He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway.

You're all going to experience intense. mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't let me do it. I'll do it, I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're never around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams.

All the rotten luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hello? Hello? Thanks for calling the mattress room. Will you save money and sleep happy? This is Vincent. I'm sorry, who's this?

My name is Vincent. Oh, hi, Vincent. How are you, Dave Walker? How are you doing today? Good, thank you, sir. How about yourself? Well, I've had better days. I'll tell you that much.

Okay. Yeah, listen, I need a mattress. My boy, he's seven years old, and he got hold of the television, and he's been seeing this ISIS thing happening. Okay. And, well, he's been having the... bedwet and been happening for the last two, three weeks. And I need a mattress that, I don't know if you have some kind of urine protection or

a super absorbent mattress, but can you help me out? Well, we don't have any urine protected mattresses. We do carry a mattress protector that you can purchase with the bed because it sounds like the damage has been done to the existing bed. Well, that's why I need to get something new because this thing. all yellowed up and uh look i i i don't want to talk about it that much but it sure does smell and uh my boys uh you know he's i don't want them if you pardon my language i don't want my boy sleeping in his own piss you know i understand mr walker well what we can do what i would

suggest then until he gets past this is come in now what size fit do you need by the way well hang off i don't know if we're going to get past it because of this isis thing if i don't know how long this thing's going to go on have you seen this in the middle east he's uh these hoodlums, you know, shooting people up and everything on CNN? And as long as, as long as, uh, Cain and Abel set this thing in motion and brothers have been fighting against brothers and nations against nations from, from the first sin committed. So, but that's, so, so, I mean, I can't keep up with all of this. I mean, it's, there's always some unrest.

You just have to say grounded and just handle your household and take care of the people that you're responsible for. You know, I'm, I'm preaching. My apologies. No, I'd let you. This is music to my ears because I'm, been trying to figure out what the hell to say to my son, Daniel, and if you don't mind keep going with this, because I need something to help calm this kid down. He's just squirting

his urine all over the bed, and please continue. That was just basically it. I mean, we live in a society where we're not kind to one another. The only thing we can do as parents is we can take care of our own as best we can. Let that kindness, let it start at home. That's all I can tell you about that. Now, preaching a mattress, what I would suggest on mattresses for you, Mr. Walker, is simply get two mattress protectors because if he's wetting the bed constantly, you want to at least have a second mattress protector. And what I'll do, listen, I'll buy one, get one on the mattress protected for you. So you'll always have one that's watched ready to go on the bed.

Now, here's, depending on the severity of his bed wetting. Well, let me tell you, this kid, I don't know if you've ever seen a fountain out in a pocket. and I'm not trying to make light of it, but I don't know how much this kid drinks, but sometimes I walk in the room and now he's screaming, and there's urine coming out, and he looks like a water fountain, you know. Have you seen these things? It sounds like he's got a situation going, I'm sure that he's going to work through it, and I'm sure with the help of some families, maybe some just being patient with him.

I know that's the... I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. Believe me, thank you. Trust me. You said he's a seven-year-old. I've got, my boys are 23 and 25, so trust me. Oh, so you're through that window.

You've flown through the, the piss window. You're right through that. Yes, yes, I have. I can tell you. Oh, my God. I have my oldest one. He was a bedwetter until he was about 11, which was really an odd. There's nothing worse.

You wake up in the morning. Your boy comes to the breakfast table. He's all yellow and smells like a, you know, a trailer park outhouse, and I can't have that in my home. understand well all i can do is help you with your bed situation um do you know where i'm located i do know where you're located but what i need to get is uh if you could give me a price on the the the thing you described the protection uh the piss protector then i'm going to check in with my wife and i'm coming down there like today sure the mattress protect again um the on the

purchase of a bed the mattress protector is it a twin can we just look i don't mean to be crew but can we just call it not a mattress protector but a piss protector because that's really what's happening here, isn't it? Okay, okay. A protector against spills and stains and fluids. But that being said, if it's a twin, it's $79. That's it.

For a twin protector, sure. Now, what I was just, what I was getting to, it's only a five-sided protector, though. You may look, you may need something that's fully in case. We don't sell a fully in-case mattress protector, The way ours works when I say five sides, imagine if you will, it's something that covers the top, and it covers the four sides of the bed.

Wow. With the way this kid's shooting out the yellow lemonade, I would take one of those if you had it, but it doesn't sound like you do. I don't have a fully foam-en-case, or a full-foam-in-case, I'm sorry, a fully-en-case mattress protector where it... Well, a piss protector.

Look, I like to be real about stuff, So, you know, you're not going to hurt my feelings by the same piss protector. Come on now. Okay, Mr. Walker. So you might, I wish I could help you on that. We don't have the six-sided ones. Think of it as if you need a six-sided protector, and that's going to cover the top and the bottom.

That's two sides, and then the four sides. That makes it a sixth-sided protector. Wow. We only have five-sided. I'm going to take the five-sided. Let me check in with my wife. You said $76? No, $79 is what that is.

$29. Let me check in with my wife. And then what time you open until today? Tonight I'm here till 9 o'clock. And I'm, again, I'm right here in Warner Park, and just north of the Trader Joe's. Oh, this is music to my ears. My boy's going to sleep dry tonight. I'll tell you that. If I can get this past my wife, you know, to hell with ISIS and to hell with my son peeing all over the place. We're going to have a dry night tonight. I don't know about all of that again as a father I would just I would encourage you to just be patient with him he's going through something so yeah just be patient the only thing that you can do for him is show love and support and I and I get the feeling that you're going to do that anyhow you know I am you know I am God bless you out let me check in with the wife and then we're coming down there probably right after dinner all right mr. Walker you what's your name my friend my name my name name is Vincent. I'm the store manager. I'm here tonight. I'm going to ask for you when I come in. Thank you so much. All right, Mr. Walker. Take good care. All right, Vincent. Bye now. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. All right, so I'm going to talk about something that I've talked about before that gets under my skin, and you've heard it from me before, so I try to keep

it brief, but man, does it drive me insane? So I go to see that new Brad Pitt movie Guess what it's called? Fury. Okay? Fury. Do you know what the word fury means? Fury means mad and enraged and furious and angry and rah. And the movie was about a very, very tough subject. It was about the war, World War II, very, very tough part of history.

It was about a bunch of hard-ass men who made their home in a army tank and drove around the German countryside and basically got into altercations with other tanks and heavily armed German soldiers and yada yada yada and you know the way they made these guys up the way they had their hair cut though their attitudes they're you know the this was like a tightly knit unit of guys who had been through hell and back about 7,000 times.

And I'm thinking, here we go. Here's a movie where it's going to show the hard-edged guys doing the hard-edged work to win the war. Wrong. Guess what happened? And I think you know what's coming, because I've said this before. That's right.

And pardon my French, they pusified the male actors in the movie. That's right. A movie about guys in an army tank in World War II, somebody almost crying or actually crying in just about every second scene of the movie. And dare I say, actor Shaila Bow, who for whatever reason was cast in this movie, because the guy looks like he should be working in a cubicle at Merrill Lynch doing some accounting. Shaila Bow is somehow one of the quote-unquote tough guys in the movie

and when you go see the movie, if you go see the movie, this guy is crying or his eyes are so watery. His face looks like a plate with two severely undercooked Denny's fried eggs sitting on it. Okay? He's mastered the art and I've said it before, a lot of actors think this is the ultimate in acting. When you can get your eyes right to the point where there's a little ledge of water right on your lower eyelid,

but yet the tears aren't coming. It just kind of sits there and you can get your eyes to look like, you ever see those fountains on people's walls and there's water running down the wall, but there's no real fountain. It's just like somehow the wall looks wet and there's constant liquid running down. That's what's shy.

Shaila Bof, or whatever his name is, does with his eyes, and he does it the whole movie. I don't think there's one scene in the whole movie where he's not looking. You ever seen Ren and Stimpy when Stimpy cries? Little Stimpy. Oh, Wren, I don't want to. I just, I'm a run. And his eyes are watering. This is Shaila Bow, the whole movie.

And if Ziz aren't on the verge of tears and watering, he's actually crying. There's tears coming down his face. There's a scene in the movie where the six of them are sitting at a breakfast table, eating bacon and eggs. And for whatever reason, Shaila Bof has watery eyes and is crying the whole scene. A couple of the other guys start to get watery eyes. they start telling stories like they do in every American-made war movie

just like in Saving Private Ryan, which I thought was an incredible movie. They gave every single soldier his crying scene. And I'm sorry, I'm just sick of it. I respect that soldiers go through a lot, that there probably was crying. There's a lot of emotion. But the amount that they put it on the screen

for American movies nowadays is not just the war movies. I've talked about the latest Star Trek movie. I've talked about just about every movie you go to now. The male characters have a crying scene. And it's really just too much. You know, if I'm going to go see a movie about guys in a tank, rolling around shooting each other,

give me some tough guys. Does anyone want to do the story about the characters, the soldiers that exist? who were too proud to cry, who were too tough to cry, who didn't even know how to cry. You've got to remember, most people back in that era were not as emotional as we are today. Look at your parents. If your parents are 60 or 70 plus, most kids grew up with parents that weren't overly emotional. And for the father to cry was usually a sign of weakness or a sign of weakness or a

a sign of not being manly or being the man of the house. Not that they didn't possess those emotions, but it just wasn't common. And maybe men should cry more, but come on, man, these movies. There's another character in the movie where they, it's one of the guys from the Walking Dead, an ex-cast member who basically he looks like he walked out of the movie,

the deliverance he's got black teeth and crazy hair and he talks all like he's a hillbilly right out of the you know right out of the forest you wish virginia and you know this guy's trying so hard to do a character that instead of doing great acting it was to me it was crap acting it's like every time i looked at him i go oh there he is acting hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a

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to judge other actors? I'm nobody. But I am allowed to express an opinion. And I'm just so sick of these crybaby tough guy movies. Somebody give me a movie that shows guys it went through the war and kicked ass and didn't have an emotional breakdown every four minutes. Holy shit! It annoys me. Can you tell?

Can you hear it? My voice, stop pusifying all the men in movies. Go watch the old Clint Eastwood movies, the old westerns. Here's what Clint Eastwood did when he got into trouble. He spit on a guy's boot,

rubbed it in his boot with his own boot, blue smoke in his face from his tipperillo cigar and walked off into the sunset with a shit-eaten grin on his face now that's a tough guy probably punched a horse on the way out of town I mean man somebody go back and remember what you know war was tough men were tough American men were tough

that's like can you please show us those guys you want to rename Fury to Pussy You know on the shaft of the Of the gun on the Army tank They'd painted the word fury I think they misspelled it It should have just said pussy

It was like a rolling tank Of uh Of uh you know Beverly Hills housewives Or something It's like a rolling tank A cry babies Holy God

So there you go. I hope I didn't ruin the movie for it. And you may completely disagree. You might go to the movie and go, oh, my God, no, no, no. That movie, you know, war is deep, war is torturous. I mean, these guys, you can only imagine the psychological pain they went through. Of course, they're crying all the time and blah, blah, blah. You could take that approach.

But I'm telling you, psychologically, that approach probably doesn't match the psychological time. that men went to war in World War II. As I said, you know, men were kind of raised not to cry. Now, I wasn't there, so I don't know. But even if every guy in the war cried his eyes out, I don't care. If you're going to make a movie, a movie is embellished, it's fiction. Can someone make a movie where a bunch of hard-ass soldiers

roll through the battlefield and nobody fussed. I don't even care if it's if it's a war in an onion field. I don't know if I don't care if it's the war of the onions. I don't care if it's World War onion. And these guys are fighting in sliced open onions on an onion field. I don't want to see one effing tear, man. And the only guy, I got to stop because it just drives me nuts. That's all I'm saying, you be the judge, you go see the movie yourself.

you decide and I've said my piece I friggin hate it I hate that stuff and Shaila Bo go get some damn clean acts acting is not crying if there's a scene that requires crying

when you're acting then cry but don't try and trick people into thinking you're this intense incredible actor because you know how to turn on the waterworks Look, I'll tell you what, I've done a lot of movies, I've been there, I've seen actors do it. I've even called actors out on it while we were shooting.

I've been in the middle of comedies where I've seen actors use the crying game to become intense and try and set. After we've cut the scene, I've gone over and said, why were you crying in that scene? And I've actually heard them say, well, because it's good, it looks good on camera, watery eyes it's good acting it's intense and I go you know we're in a comedy right glad you're so emotional I bet the people watching are laughing their asses off it's a cheap acting trick and I can say that from experience at least and as a seasoned great actor should know when to turn on the tears and not that's all I'll leave it right there you be the judge go see it decide for yourselves

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I'm scared to I'm scared to Hello. Hey, Arlands. Hope you're having a good day today. Wish you very well. You have to mention on a previous podcast that it sounded like from at least your interpretation that CDs were kind of dead, as a dead media, and that CDs are kind of on a decline,

and sure enough, we're going to see you about going back to, like, analog days. I think that's kind of wrong, and CDs are definitely not dead, buddy. myself personally, along with my friends, where, you know, in the audio business, a lot of my friends are actually in radio, and we pass along CDs to each other in order to have data, so to speak, transfer from one media into another, either for conversion reasons or because of the fact that, you know, radio stations still have CD players, you know. You also mentioned, too, that a lot of these newer computers today don't have a CD or DVD ROM tray anymore. They do. The thing is, though, is that, you know, companies like Apple or, you know, the company that makes, you know, the Nexus or whatever, you know, they're coming out with these players or, you know, computerized boxes, so to speak, that have, you know, no drives in them. You know, they don't have this disk drive for you to put in a CD or, God forbid, floppy disk anymore. I mean, granted, we don't use those, but, you know, I'm pretty sure

you know what I'm getting at. You know, CDs and DVDs are still here. I don't believe they're really going to die. Is it a dying media? Well, not a lot of people are really buying CDs that much anymore. The real good thing that's basically on the rise is basically audio streaming services. So, figure to let you know. Right, have a good one. well I got one word for you buddy cassettes um that was an interesting call and I appreciate the feedback um but it feels like you almost like started the conversation the phone message talking about how much everything is still CD and DVD driven CDs are definitely not dead buddy um myself personally along with my friends where you know, in the audio business, a lot of my friends are actually in radio and we pass along CDs to each other in order to have data, so to speak, transfer from one media into another, either for conversion reasons or because of the fact that, you know, radio stations

still have CD players. Okay, good point, but you're talking about industry people. My point is out in the public, out in your homes, out in the street, out in the record stores. They don't even have CD stores anymore. Look around. They're gone. And I guess I can't argue with you since you and your buddies work in the radio industry, but I go to probably four to five radio stations a weekend to be interviewed almost every other weekend of the year

all over the country and I'm not seeing a lot of guys fiddling around with CDs everything's digital where I go so I don't know where you're working I don't know where you're from and that's not an insult but I'm just telling you what I see I think it's a dying thing it's a dying thing man

um you know if they're passing CDs back and forth at work. That's a little interesting to me because it's so much easier to just email stuff digitally as an MP3 or whatever. But what do I know? I'm not in the radio industry. Actually, I was in the radio industry for a while. And I did a whole year as a DJ sending all my stuff as MP3s and never touched a CD. So maybe I do know what I'm talking about. But later on in your in your message, you kind of, you kind of kicked yourself in your own ass with your own words, because then you kind of made it sound like CDs and DVDs are a dying thing.

You also mentioned, too, that a lot of these newer computers today don't have a CD or DVD rom tray anymore. They do. The thing is, though, is that, you know, companies like Apple or, you know, the company that makes, you know, the nexus or whatever, you know, they're coming out with these players or, you know, computerized boxing, so to speak, that have, you know, no drives in them, you know, they don't have this disc drive for you to put in a CD or a, God forbid, a floppy disk anymore. I mean, granted, we don't use those, but... Yeah, but guess what? We did use them for a long time, and then something better came along, and now floppy disks

are a joke and that's my point that's what's happening to DVDs and CDs and you mentioned that companies like Nexus and Apple and these modern companies don't even include the

port or the drive anymore that's my point too the modern companies that's where the technology is going that's where it already is it's not even going it's already there and so whatever

capacity you're holding on to the DVD and CD technology, it's old news. I recommend you, you go out and put it on the front lawn and put some barbecue starter fluid on it and let it go, man. But as I said, as you're kind of your argument went along, you almost kind of started to admit as you went along that you're speaking a losing argument. Here's the tail end of your own words. Not a lot of people are really buying CDs that much anymore. The real good thing that's basically on the rise is basically audio streaming services. So figure to let you know. All right.

Have a good one. But wasn't that my whole statement right out of the gate that nobody's buying CDs anymore and that audio and digital streaming is now the way of the future? That's where we're at now? Isn't that what I said? and wasn't that the whole thing you were counter-arguing for most of your message, but then at the end, oh, forget it. Anyways, listen, regardless of what the argument is or the debate, I think for what it's worth, it might be time for you to let it go. Okay, I think the tide has already turned.

I think the horse has already gone around the bend. I think the rock has already rolled down the hill. you may dabble in CDs and DVDs a little bit still. It's probably 10% today, when it used to be 100%, you know, 7, 8 years ago. And it's, you know, I think most people listening might be going, yeah, I can't remember the last time I handled a CD or DVD. And a CD for sure. Maybe a DVD is the most recent.

thing you've touched, but I'm betting most people haven't handled a CD in a long time. So there you go. It's an interesting debate. We'll see how it plays out. And, uh, you know, welcome to the 90s. CDs are definitely not dead, buddy. Hi, this is Charlie Lee. Come on down to Moongrove restaurant.

We have very delicious rib, chicken. ball, shrimp pad tie, and we got brand new, delicious Korean egg roll. So you come down to Charlie Lee Munglo Restaurant, exit 53. We're going to fix you up big time. Oh, hold on. Come here, you. Oh, okay, now we got fresh chicken. All you can eat buffet, see you with Charlie Lee, Mungro restaurant.

Oh, boy, looks like Charlie Lee's back advertising on the Harland Highway, which means, as a sponsor, I have to go down there and do live remotes from his restaurant. And it looks like we're going to be hearing from Charlie Lee from the Moonglow restaurant once again. Boy, oh boy, good Lord. good lord never had good experiences down there never had good food i'm probably not supposed to say that but that's part of my job when we have a high paying uh advertiser on the show and then it's my job to go down and give them air time and yada yada yada so you got that to look forward to down the road wow uh anyways that brings us to the end of our show um don't forget if you want to

have some incredible phone debates with me on the Harlan Highway. You can always call and leave a message at 323-739-4-330. You can debate me about old technology surviving into the 21st century. Sure. You're going to win that debate every time, right? Not.

You can leave me a phone message about anything you want. It doesn't even have to. be an argument it can be you can tell me how butter works you can tell me why flies buzz I don't know you can say whatever you want it's your forum

I just listen to them and decide which ones I want to put on 323-7394330 or if you're afraid to talk hey you can always just write me at harlandwiliams.com there's a

link there where you can can write to me and I might read your, uh, I might read your little, uh, your little email on the show. How's that, Sam? Um, I guess we got Halloween coming up. Hopefully, uh, you know, we'll program some Halloween stuff for the next few podcasts. Uh, as far as my touring schedule, you can catch me at the improv, November 6, November 6 through the 9th in Tampa, Florida, a great club. Uh, you got to get out to that show. We always pack it. Um, Tampa, November 6th. It's going to be awesome. And then November 13th to the 16th. I am in San Jose, California at the improv there. And then God love it. I'm off to Seattle,

Washington, November 20th to the 22nd at the parlor live. Oh, my God. What a busy November I'm having. But three great clubs. Go on to my website, harloweems.com. Click on the stand-up link. and yes, you can get your tickets early. While you're there, check out the web store. We've got great merchandise for sale there. Also, join my YouTube channel. Click the subscribe link, and you'll be privy to all my wacky videos as they come in.

And there you go. Also check out all thingscom. This is a podcast network, where my podcast is also featured alongside some other very fine comedic talent over there, Jake Johansson and Bill Burr Al Magigal, some real funny people. Check that out. And what else can I tell you? I think that's it.

I'm going to go make a pinocalada, lay outside, put on some CDs, listen to them. And maybe later tonight I'll open the DVDs. D player and throw on dances with wolves and I don't know lay back on my shag carpet pet my pet rock and do my Rubik's

Cube during the commercials until next time this is Harlem Williams tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway thanks for all your calls thanks for all your letters we'll see you next time here on the Harlan Highway until then Chicken Chalman

baby CDs are definitely not dead, buddy. Oh, okay. Now we got fresh chicken.