The Harland Highway - 621 - AUNT RUTHIE kills Superman. Maneating fish. Rabid bats!

Episode Date: November 6, 2014

A crank call to purchase a maneating fish from a pet store, attack of the rabies bat, AUNT RUTHIE calls in and has more car trouble, Harland reveals his Halloween adventure. Unspool my yule!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Umpa, Lumpa, Lumpa-Lumpa-D-D-Doo. I've got another podcast for you. Yes, I do. Welcome, it's the Harland Highway. I am your host, Harlan Williams. Good to have you here, friends. What a show we got for you today. I'm going to give you a rundown of how my Halloween went.

I promised I would. I had one really, really cool event happen. on Halloween. That is so Halloween, it can't be more Halloween. Wait, wait to you hear what happened to me. It was awesome. We're also going to be doing a crazy news story. Some guy got attacked by something while doing a campfire song. Oh, my God. Can you guess where this one's going? Also, I believe Aunt Ruthie called in and left another message. My crazy Aunt Ruthie from Rochester, New York. Oh, he's getting lost in her car.

Roger tells me that she called in, so we'll see what she's up to. And also, we're going to make a call to a pet shop and try and purchase some man-eating piranha fish or some kind of violent flesh-eating fish later on in the show. So hang around for that. Put your scuba gear on, everybody, because this is the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff.

Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience. Intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't that be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God.

Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. The Rock and Luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Well, I told you I would give you an update on my Halloween night. once I, you know, let it all settle.

And it was a blast. It was a blast. I did what I did last year. I went with, like, a whole group of friends, like 20 of us. We all met at one of my buddy's houses, and then we rented one of these party buses. And we all got in the party bus, and the music's blaring, and people are up dancing. There's a pole in the middle of. of the bus there's a it actually had hardwood floors the bus uh had a great sound system um everyone's

drinking everyone's smoking a little dope everybody's uh having a blast and uh it was great we went to the uh went to this night club that did a lot of 80s music billy idol and the cure and all that stuff and people were decked out dressed like bulls and devils and the grim reaper and wizards and spider woman and just all kinds of crazy stuff man so it was pretty damn fun um i got to tell you though the highlight of my Halloween and this was classic um on Halloween day i was uh i was driving home from the jam And I stopped in, I took this side street, stopped in to get some dinner, grab some fast food from a place near my house. And I grabbed my fast food and I come out on the street. And as fate would have it, this is the same street where they shot the movie Halloween.

This is the exact street with the same house as everything. right so I'm aware of that I'm driving up the street all the kids are trick-or-treating and it looked like right out of the movie Halloween the kids are trick-or-treating and then standing there in front of the real Halloween house is a guy I don't know if he does this as a tradition or he just has to do it because he loves the movie Halloween there's a guy standing in front of the house out on the sidewalk in full Michael Myers Halloween mode. He had the blue jumpsuit on that creepy mask and a knife in his hand. And I mean, it was identical, identical to the outfit the guy in the real movie had. And as I drove by, he just kind of looked at me through that blank stare on the face of that mask. And kind of like tilted his head as I went by. And I was like, oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. So cool. Because I just love that movie. I saw that movie when it first came out when I was a kid. And it was terrifying. And it kind of opened up the door for modern day horror films. It was like the next level up from Psycho. It was like the modern day psycho of its time.

And it was done really well. And that Michael Myers was such a mysterious, creepy evil character and to see this guy I mean he replicated it like perfectly and just to drive by

and see him there at the real Halloween house what a treat so a good Halloween lots of fun lots of laughs lots of goofiness and let's see if we do it all again next year baby

hello Hello Hi Harlan This is Debbie from Phoenix I had called you a little while ago I'm asking about Aunt Ruthie To have her on the show I love her so much

And I'm starting to get really worried Because she hasn't been on And I was wondering like Is she in jail after running over that kid Does she have Ebola What's going on I'm really really worried about her So well

Let her know I love her And I hope everything's okay And thanks for doing your show, I love you, you're the greatest. Bye, Harlan. Hello. Hello, Harland.

Are you there, honey? It's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York. Are you there? Oh, my God. I think I got your answering machine again. Hi, Angel, how are you? Aunt Ruthie misses you so much.

I haven't talked to you. so long. Big kiss, be, oh, Christ, there's something stuck

in my lip. Oh, God, I think it's, I think it's one of Uncle Harry's pubic hairs. The old bastard

got all fired up last night and wanted your Aunt Ruthie to do some fallacios. And, you know, at my age,

I'm a little angel, it's not easy for Aunt Ruthie to perform the fallacios the way I used to. You know, My knees are bad, and my ankles get swollen up, and my eyesight's not so good, Angel.

You know, sometimes I miss your old Uncle Harry's porpoise, and I bite him right in the belly button. Oh, God, this thing's long. Hang on, honey, let me pull Uncle Harry's shoe out of my teeth here. Oh, there it is. Anyways, let me roll down the window, and there we go. I just took... You're free. You're free.

Hey, one of Uncle Harry's pubs is floating in the sky, now it's free. Finally got out of his moldy underpants, little angel. And I don't mean to be mean to you of Uncle Harry, but he does it smells like a Boston soup kitchen down there and in between Uncle Harry's legs. Just a dirty, nasty, rotten smell like somebody left a piece of cheese inside of a fucking dumpster behind Denny's. Anyhow, Angel, listen, Aunt Ruthie's calling.

I'm in a bit of a predicament. I'm pulled over at the side of the road. I went out for Halloween, Holland. I didn't want to go out for Halloween, but Uncle Harry's stomach was acting up, and he wanted me to drive down to the pharmacy in my little car and go and get him some liniments or whatever they are to help his stomach, the poor old bastard.

You know, Uncle Harry, his stomach goes, and then he starts farting up the house like a fucking Arizona shitstorm, you know, Holland. So anyhow, love, listen, I was driving and I forgot that it was Halloween night, and I was driving through the streets, and all of a sudden out of nowhere comes fucking Superman and Spider-Man and Wonder Woman,

and I got scared, and I panicked Little Angel, and I smashed right through them. And I didn't think superheroes could scream and cry the way these little ones did. But, oh, my goodness, they flew off the hood. They bounced off the windshield. Superman did a cartwheel through the air and hit a fucking light pole. And I thought, oh, well, who cares? It's fucking Superman, right?

Turns out he's not as fucking strong as everyone thought, Little Angel. I think his back snapped in half. And then Spider-Man hit a fucking wall. and it looked like something splattered out of his stomach. And then Wonder Woman, she didn't even get airborne, for Christ's sake. She got trumpled under my wheels, and I could hear her fucking costume banging off my undercarriage, Holland. And I'm worried about damage, and then her hair got stuck on Uncle Harry's trailer hitch.

And I think I dragged Wonder Woman for about a mile and a half before that stupid idiot finally let go. I mean, my goodness. of the superheroes. Anyway, so listen, Angel, that was the start of it, and then I'm driving. I took a left over on 14th Street. Remember when you were a little boy, and we used to take you to the malt shop over on 14th Street, Little Angel,

and you would always get a Coca-Cola float, and all the Coke and the ice cream would foam up, and you would get it on your mouth, and you looked like an old man with a beard. Do you remember that, Angel? You looked like a little Benjamin Buttons. You were like nine years old, but you looked like Uncle Harry

after he woke up after All Might Whiskey Bender. Remember that little angel? Anyhow, I'm taking a left on 14th Street and fucking Shrek comes out of nowhere. Fucking green old Shrek, and then I think there was also Iron Man, the guy, I don't know how he moves around, all dressed up an iron.

I mean, how the hell can you be mobile and you're, if you're wearing ah, ah, oh God, there's another tube in there. Hang on, Holland. Oh, God, it's in the back, I think it's wrapped

around my epiglottis or whatever that fucking dingle bell that hangs at the back of your throat, Holland, you know, what's that thing, the uvula, some such fuck, I'm not sure, but it looks like a punching bag at the back of my throat oh my god hang on

it's one of uncle harry's gray pubes wrapped around there like a fucking boa constrictor around a baby rabbit or something hang on ruthie's got a stick of fingers right down at the back of a throat little angel

hang on oh hang on angel I've almost got it Hang on, hold on, someone's honking at me. I'm parked at the side of the road. I killed Wonder Woman and Hulk and fucking Shrek. Okay?

I've got one of my husband, 96-year-old husband's pubs wrapped around my ovula. Do you mind? I think someone could give an old lady. media break, Holland, unbelievable. Hang on, I've almost got it, Holland. It's halfway up. Oh, there it is. Hang on, let me roll down. You're free to go. Fly away, little pubic snake. Oh, my God, look at that thing, flowed around. Oh, a little sparrow just grabbed it out of the air, and now he's going to go make a mess out of your uncle Harry's dirty pew. Oh, my God. Isn't the world a funny place, Holland?

Anyways, last thing I want to say is I ran over the Hulk. Do you know this stupid fucking green guy that looks like Shrek's queer lover? Anyhow, I hit the fucking Hulk. He came out in nowhere, and his bag of candies flew up all over the fucking place. It was raining fucking Snickers bars and good and plenty and potato chips. All that shit landed in my windshield, Holland. And you ever run through a fucking hive of honey bees or some mosquitoes when you're driving and they splatter all over your window?

Oh, my God. I had Snickers bars and Ma's bars all over my fucking window. It looks like little children were shitting on my car or something full of peanuts. Oh, my God. Anyways, Angel, I don't want to use up all your answering machine, but Aunt Ruthie's okay. I just want you to know I'm wiped out most of the Marvel emblem. of the superheroes and I'm going to be fine

but I hope you will Angel I'm gonna go stop honking at me I'm talking to my nephew sons of bitches I'll run you over the way I ran over the fucking incredible Hulk

not so incredible now is he more like the incredible pile of green shit how about that unbelievable just an old lady from Rogers to New York and people honked

oh God I found another one, Holland. I better go. I think I might need tweezers for this one. I love you, Angel. Aunt Ruthie loves you, okay? Give us a call when you get the chance, Angel, little golden angel with your feckly little face. Bye, Angel. Oh, my God, it's a big, thick one. I don't even think this one's Uncle Harry's. Oh, God. What is wrong with my Aunt Ruthie? Thank you for calling in and asking about her.

I'm glad you're concerned. We went right into the voicemails, and sure enough, there she was. I don't know how she keeps missing me, but... Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, boy, you got killed a bunch of trick-or-treaters and you heard the rest. Boy, oh boy.

Well, let's move along to something more real, something more relevant. Let's get into the news. but let's not get into the normal everyday news. No, no, no, no, no. Let's get in to the crazy news. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

All right, let's do it. Let's do it. This one, wow, this one, I wish, and I know this sounds mean, but I wish this would happen to Campfire Timmy. the freak that comes on my show and plays campfire songs, listen what happened to this campfire singer. And a campfire song, one Oregon man won't soon forget. Take a look at this scary incident.

Okay, so this guy's playing, he's at the campfire, and a bat flies out of nowhere. Oh, it's a bat. Yes, that is a bat. Derek's go camping there with family and friends. He sees in the middle of that jam set. He was attacked by the bat. It tried apparently a couple times to attack him

until a friend finally shot it with the BB gun. Skow had the bat tested, and it indeed had the rabies. So he's been on medication ever since. That's my worst nightmare right there. Oh, my gosh. Scary, scary stuff. Oh, that's awful. And he did one extra strum after the bat bit him.

The bat was light leached on, and he... That's unbelievable. Oh, yeah, the guy just playing away, standing in the campfire. very good though. I mean, you heard the guy. It just clung, clung, clung, clung, it sounded a lot like Campfire Timmy. And I guess you can look for this video on the internet, but basically you see this bat. It's the middle of the day. It's not even nighttime. It's the middle of the day. Since when do bats come out during the day? Have you ever seen a bat during the day? No. So these dummies standing around playing guitar in the middle of the woods. should have got a clue you know you're playing outside in broad daylight and a bat

starts circling around you guess what something might be wrong there dummy and you know on top of that this guy was wearing shorts and he looked like a grill gomer and he's like jumping around playing an acoustic guitar and his buddy's playing a piece of wood You know, I get it. Sometimes people like to go organic and they get out camping and they go, let's kind of go real basic and primitive. And they try to be all like hippie-ish and they just come off as morons. And I think this bat was like, you know, I've got the rabies.

I've got a splitting headache. My eyes are dripping blood. I'm foaming at the mouth. I'm just trying to hang upside down and get through this rabies garbage. and now I got this guy in the Bermuda shorts making all kinds of noise. Well, I'm going to put an end to that bullshit. And this thing swoops down, and it does about three circles around the guy, and then lands where else, right on his throat.

You know, of course the bat's going to go for the throat. And the guy doesn't do much at first. He's still playing, and then all of a sudden, I guess it bit into him, and he, like, jumped back. And his buddy got a BB gun out and shot it. And they took it in, they put it in a bag, I guess, and took it to the hospital. How does that interaction go?

Hi, welcome to St. Mary's Hospital. How may we help you? Here, take a look of this. What in the name of hell is that? That's a dead bat with a BB through its face? Oh my God. Yeah, could you test it for rabies and maybe check its blood pressure and make sure it doesn't have any tumors and stuff while it's here.

Sir, it's dead. I know, but I really care about nature. So scary stuff, man. And this sounds mean, but God, I wish that would happen to Camp Fire Timmy. You know that idiot that shows up here and sings Campfire songs for me? And I have to because my boss, Mr. Featherstone, it's his nephew or something. Or his son. It's not really clear.

Oh, I would love a giant bat, a fruit bat, a vampire bat, anything just to fly out of the trees. How about a whole flock of bats, man? Just swoop down and eat Timmy's throat so he can't sing. Give him the rabies. I like how she says, the rabies. It's something you don't really think about anymore. You don't think about things getting rabies really anymore, you know. And all of a sudden, boom, you got a, you got, so word to the wise,

if you see a bat in the middle of the day, or you see a polar bear swim up on a tropical beach, anything that seems way out of sorts, that that's probably a sign that the critters got the rabies. And listen, if any of you bats are listening, let me send out some sonar. That was sonar for attack campfire Timmy. Ugh. Hello? Hello? Chicken chill, man.

Hey, brother. I used to love listening to that opening song. My name's Nathan. Back in 2010, I wish you would like, bring you back occasionally like just play the that one with the rock and roll intro where the the guy's singing about it that i got the chin and blah blah blah love it play that once in a while please thank you I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D, because you're the only girl that I want to see.

I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D. Williams, Williams, I want to go out with you to the movie show, or to the horseshoot tavern, you'll love it, I know. I want to be your H-A-R-L-L-L-L-A-L. A.M.D. Williams. Williams. $100 is a lot to pay for a pencil unless the pencil comes from Marlon Williams. I've got the sideburns. I've got the chin.

Come on, baby, pretty baby, let me in. Thank you. You've got the sideburns, I've got the chin, oh, yeah, because I'd want to be, H-A-R-L-A-N-D, and D-R-L-A-N-D, because I'd want to be, H-A-R-L-A-N-D. You wish. Yeah, baby, there it is. There it is, pavement pounders. That is a song that was, I played it on the podcast a few times before. That was a song by a band named Perry Grip.

And these guys do a lot of music. I think they did the theme for Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, that TV series, and all kinds of stuff. And the timing of your call is perfect because just this week, This is bizarre. I was in at Walt Disney Studios. I'm working on a show that I created over there that I'll be able to tell you about more down the road if it gets picked up. We're waiting to see if it gets picked up. But anyways, I was over there doing some music stuff, some soundtrack stuff.

And I walk out of the recording studio over at Disney. And there's a bunch of people waiting to go in and use the recording studio. One of the guys standing out there goes, oh, my God, Harlan Williams. And I go, hey, man, how are you doing? He goes, you don't know me, but my name's Perry Grip, and I did a song about you. And I was like, what? I was like, holy crap, it's the guy. This is the guy.

I said, dude, thank you so much. I mean, obviously, a lot of work went into that song. It sounds great. And, you know, how often is it you get a song? made about you. And so I thought he did a great job. I said, dude, I'm completely flattered and complimented. And he's like, well, I'm just such a fan.

And, you know, I just wanted to make a song. And I was like, hey, thank you, man. It totally caught me off guard. But thank you. So there it is. Perry Grip. Look him up on the internet. Buy his music and talented, talented guy.

And thanks for calling in and reminding us about the Harland Williams song. I'm having a little. Can you tell I'm having a little ego stroke right now? Can you tell? Oh, my God. Someone wrote a song about me. Oh, blessed.

The heavens must have opened up. But you got to admit it is kind of fun. So what the hell? I kind of like it, too. It's kind of a catchy tune. Well, hey, let's end the show here with something a little funny. This is me. and I made a crank call because I wanted to buy my imaginary son a man-eating fish.

Thank you for calling wet pets. This is Alan. Oh, hey, Alan. How are you today? I'm good, sir. How are you? I'm pretty good. Listen, my boy just, well, he had a bedwetting episode, and he kind of got through that. And as a reward, we promised them a fish. And for some, God-forsaken reason, he wanted one of these piranias. Do you got the... Piranhas are against the law in the state of Alabama.

You cannot own them. Oh. Well, see, I didn't know that. Well, do you have anything close to that, like anything that... I don't have anything that's going to look exactly like that. Something that eats other... Like, if we drop a... He likes to drop mice and...

rocks on mice and stuff so if we dropped a mouse in the water would do you have a fish that would eat that mouse up no sir but i have fish that will eat other fish oh that sounds good okay talk to me what are those i have some jack dempsey's uh i have some large tiger oscars oh what else i've got some green i got a green terra what size tank are you are we putting the fish in uh we got probably about a 15 gallon, which gives it a lot of room to move around. We could probably drop something a little bigger in there. Do you sell hamsters and stuff?

Yes, or the hamster. I mean, the fish is not going to eat that. Well, what if I had, did you have, if I bought, like, a school of fish, would they eat it all up? Like, just maybe. Yes, I have fish that, I have fish to sale that is food for other fish. But what, this, look, my boy. He had this bedwetting thing, and he loves to, like, drop rocks on mice and stuff. But if we threw a hamster in there, would they eat its legs so it couldn't swim and then sinks to the bottom?

That's right. And they could kind of pluck it apart. The hamster of the rat, or mouse would get out before that would happen. What if we, like, tied a rock around it or something? Would it sink down? And then, you know, the fish could just kind of slowly pluck at it, like they're at the Golden Corral type thing. no sir i don't think so the fish is the only thing that i've got that uh uh to feed the other fish to be honest with you oh god you know i don't know why my kid has this thing about you know

dropping rodents he drops rocks on him and uh he'd like they'd love to see a fish eat one up if he can help me out yes but i don't have any fish that wanted to do that all right well let's deal with fish eating fish. Well, you got, you got those goldfish with the big bubbly eyes? I do, but they don't eat fish. No, but if I bought one of the, you said the Oscar will eat another fish? Yes, with Oscar, we'll eat another fish, a smaller fish, or we'll pick on some, or we'll... That's what I want.

That's what I like when you say pick on, because I think my boy would love to see an Oscar, like, pop the eye, one of those bubbly, bubbly-eyed. I don't have the bubble eyes in stock right now. I have some other fish, but I don't have any bubble eyes. But if I did drop a bubble eye in there, would the Oscar pop its eyes, like a balloon type thing? Probably over, yes, sir. I can't guarantee that. I've never tried that before. You've never seen an Oscar pop the eye.

I never put the two together because the two don't live in the same habitat. You know what I'm saying? Right. But if they did, sounds to me what you're saying is the Oscar would pop their big, bubbly eyes out and eat them. to eat the big those big they look like balloon that's possible wow that what about this is this is kind of getting into a weirdsville but if like let's say the oscar was taken you know went after the bubbly odd goldfish right now did the bubble out goldfish have a penis no sir like could it eat would it eat its penis off if it was like pulling it out to go pee or

You're getting a little grotesque for me, sir. I can't continue this conversation. Well, I'm sorry, but this is for my boy. This is for my son. I understand that, but I tell them as pets, you know, mainly a knot. There are some fish for that, but, you know, not a goldfish. I wouldn't necessarily recommend doing that. Okay.

Well, you know, maybe I agree with you there. Maybe that is getting a little grotesque, and I think I need to talk to my boy. What kind of boy would want to see another fish? fish eat another fish's penis and pop its eyes out I don't think that I think you just kind of woke me up that I need to talk to my boy and I thank you for that you're welcome sir thank you so much and when when he gets his head right I'm going to come down there and just buy regular fish all right you're a good man thank you so much for this yes sir thank you bye bye now well there you go. If you want to reward your kid

for getting through his bed wedding phase, just, uh, you know, make sure you, uh, buy him some man-eating piranias. Holy jumping. Well, that's it. We'll end it. We'll end on that. How do you, how do you top that ladies and snorgo bluergens? You just don't. You don't, you don't top a man-eating bubble-eyed fish penis routine. Uh, but let's end on some announcements here. which are all to your benefit.

These are all, all to your benefit. Don't forget tonight, I am in Tampa, Florida, playing the improv. I'll be there tonight, November 6th through November 9th. Going to be a blast, I promise you. Great club, great shows. Also going to be in San Jose, November 13th to the 16th. Fantastic. At the improv in San Jose.

and then November 20 through 22nd, Thursday through Saturday, I will be at the Parlor Live in Seattle, Washington, another great club, three amazing clubs. And then in December I'll be in Kansas City and Indianapolis. I'll give you more details on that as we get closer. It's going to be a blast. Go to Harlowlyms.com. Click on the links for tickets, and we will see you there.

Also, we are at Harlowyms.com. join my YouTube channel. Just hit subscribe, click the button, and you're in. Visit our store for crazy merchandise. What else can I tell you? You can write me at harlomwilliams.com while you're there, or if you want to leave me a phone message, and, you know, you could ask about Aunt Ruthie,

or you could ask about the Harlan Williams song, whatever you want. You can ask whatever you want, say whatever you want. It's just an answering machine. You don't have to talk to anybody. 323 739 4330 3230 323739 4330 the number is at the site arlo-williams.com if you don't remember it but that's it gang check out all things comedy dot com the podcast network where you can also find my podcast with other funny comedians

and that's it we're going to go i got to get down to the pet shop pick up my eating piranias. And until next time, everybody, you know what I'm about to say. Chicken, Chalmayne, baby.