The Harland Highway - 622 - Corporal TOM DOWDY on Veterans Day events, crying, and a new APP.

Episode Date: November 13, 2014

Harland announces his NEW APP, Fallopio. When a stranger cries, and Commander Tom Dowdy calls in to discuss his charity event for Veterans Day. Toot till ur mute!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The coffin bangers were about to arrive with the vocal group. The Crypt Kikil Fah. Okay, why am I doing Monster Match? It's Halloween was like nine years ago. Duh. Hello, whatever. Like, Halloween was like nine years ago. Hello.

Okay, now I'm doing that. Okay, let's see. Here we are. Harlan Williams. Boy, the Harlan Highway podcast, welcome one and all. Who cares what time of year it is? We're here together having fun, aren't we? um oh my god great show today a couple of big announcements towards the end of the show two brand new things that i'm so excited to tell you about i think you're gonna really love them and uh we're gonna we're gonna drop those on you towards the end of the show um fun stuff also um we're gonna be talking about crying

Have you ever seen someone crying out in the public and you don't know how to react and it affects you? And, well, it happened to me and I'm going to tell you all about it. I'm going to try and compose myself and tell you all about it. And then Veterans Day was this week. We are going to be calling, talking to Corporal Lieutenant, Left Sergeant, Major Tom Dowdy is going to be calling it from Camp Pendlington. Apparently he's doing some kind of. charity thing, and we're going to get all over that for our veterans. So hold on.

Here we go. This is the Harlan Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job?

Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. the harland highway you're a groovy boy i'd like to strap you on sometime the harland highway you're all going to experience intense mental physical strength all right hold tight on the harland highway show don't let me do it i'll do what i swear to god don't be such a fucking

pussy remember around here ain't you what's your name you're listening to harland williams Welcome to the Harland Highway Crying over you Oh yes Crying Oh Crying is such a sad thing And one of the sad times to see it

is people you don't even know complete strangers crying have you ever had that encounter you're you're on the subway or you're at a restaurant or you're walking out of a restroom and someone else is walking in or you see a girl coming out of the restroom crying or or you could be anywhere in a park and it's such a strong emotion because when you see a stranger you don't know why they're crying and so you fill in the blanks and I think what you do is a lot of times you pour your own emotional history into those blanks because you you obviously have a strong emotional trigger by the fact that they're crying and it makes I don't know about you guys

but it makes me sad it makes me very upset and when I see someone else crying uncontrollably or just sobbing and the tears in their eyes coming down and it's someone I don't even know. My head goes, oh, my God, someone must have died, or somebody must have hurt them, or somebody must be breaking up, or I don't know, it's weird, because when you're with someone, you know when they're crying, you can fill in the blanks,

you go, oh, they're crying because somebody died, or they're crying because they lost their job, or somebody said something. And so they're still crying, but you can kind of deal with it a bit more because you can rationalize the crying. You know the trigger for the crying. But with a stranger that you don't know,

all you have is what your imagination can fill in and you always assume probably the worst. And so it's even harder to watch. And I'm not talking about watching someone cry on TV or cry in a movie. I'm talking about real life. real life case and point i was i was out eating with a friend i went to lunch with a friend of mine recently and we went to this place where you you know it's like a counter you go up and you order

your food and they put it on a tray and you go and sit down and so we go and sit down and my back to the wall and my friend's sitting across from me and over at the other table there's a young couple and they looked more like a brother and a sister than they did a boyfriend and girlfriend but again i don't don't know and they both sat down and they both had a tray full of food and the girl was facing me and the guy had his back to me but they're kind of to the side so I could see both their faces and the guy started eating and the girl just sat there and I noticed she was crying oh my god she was just crying and I thought oh she's probably just having a little sniffle you know you know when

you have that little crying fit you're in public and you're like okay I got to clean this up I can't be crying in public, man. I don't want anyone to see me crying. Well, they must have sat there about 20 minutes or more, and the guy ate, and the poor girl did not touch her food at all. It just sat there, and she just looked so sad, and she just kept crying. And it wasn't like blubbering, like, wha!

It was kind of like she was trying to contain it, but the tears kept coming, and she had such a hurt look in her eyes and of course my mind was going oh my god did her parents die did somebody die is this guy sitting with her is he her boyfriend

and did he say something are they breaking up is it one of those weird breakup lunches and he wasn't saying anything and I couldn't stop looking at her because in my heart and I think this is what's cool about being human I think this is what helps make us human

I just felt so much compassion for this complete stranger I felt so wounded and affected by her pain and I was fighting to not get up out of my seat and just go over and hug her like I wanted to just go over and hug her and go it's okay I don't know what you're going through but but it's okay and I just let it out like I just wanted to hug this girl And she was a young girl probably like, I don't know, 28, 29 or something, attractive.

And it was just so hard to watch. Oh. And I wanted to go buy her's dessert. I thought I should just go buy her a nice fancy dessert. Go here. I hope this makes you happy. People care. Whatever you're going through.

It's not the end of the world. But you're so helpless. because like I said, you fill in the blanks. And it drives me nuts. And then recently, again, I was on an airplane and I was getting off, and there was some real douchebag of a man who was in front of me getting off in front of a bunch of us. I was about four or five people back behind him.

But I guess he wasn't happy with the service. And so he laid into the, uh, the flight attendant and said, this is, this is shit, and you did this and you did that. And I could see the flight attendant, like her face filled up with shock. She was kind of a middle-aged, like, Asian lady, and she'd been so sweet to the rest of us. I don't know what transpired between them. I think she made him shift his bags around or something to help accommodate everyone, and that set him off.

And so when we landed, just as we're getting ready to open the doors, and leave, he decided to lay into her. And then, boom, just like that, he was gone. And all of a sudden, she kind of ducked behind the wall. And all of a sudden, we heard this crying. And as we all walked by, we can see she was bawling her eyes out. She was completely devastated. And I stopped.

I stopped. I said, ma'am, please, please, please, don't let that guy's bad energy. That guy's horribleness affect you. It doesn't mean anything in the long run. It just doesn't mean anything. He's just a douche. And she was like, oh, thank you so much. And her eyes are watering.

And she was so upset. And again, I just wanted to hug her and go, oh, you know, but it's like, oh, God. So I don't know if you guys get affected when you see someone out in public crying. But, oh, it's hard to watch. And I'm going to go back to my point about being human. I think it's fascinating. that we have this compassion in us.

I think we all experience it. We have this thing deep inside us where we want to be protective and nurturing and comforting and caring and sympathetic and we just want to go and take that person's pain away from them. And that's a real, real beautiful thing about being a human being. And it's tough because when someone's crying

and you don't know the story. That's a lot of business going on. That's probably a lot of deep business. And your trepidatious, should I get involved? Should I say anything? Is it my business? And it's real tough because the power of tears pulls at us. I mean, you guys and girls have all been in relationships

where you're having a fight or you're having an argument with your significant other. And, you know, you're holding your own and you're making your point and you think you're maybe, you know, win in the fight or you're at least in even keel with your partner with the disagreement, and suddenly they start crying, and you just go, oh, oh, yeah, I'm a douche, or, oh, maybe I should relent, or maybe I should give up a little here.

You know what I mean? And so, I don't know. It's an interesting thing, and, uh, You know, just I hope there's nothing out there that's making you cry. I hope you're happy, and, you know, if you do see someone crying, I don't know. Maybe give them a hug, maybe give them a slice of key lime pie. I don't know. Maybe just a smile or a sympathetic kind of nod of the head.

I don't know. What does one do? It's part of the human journey. And, wow, I'm getting emotional just talking about it, man. I'm, no, no, I'm okay. I'm okay, man. I'm turning into Charles Nelson Riling. Ah, oh, oh.

Not a good way to end that. I'm sorry. It was such a, you know, heartfelt segment, and I just go in, oh, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley, Ah, oh, stop it. Let's move on. Oh, good Lord. What is wrong with me?

God, now I'll sniffly from crying. I'm sorry. Let's move on. As you know, it was Veterans Day this week. And we wanted to get a veterans perspective on Veterans Day. And a lot of veterans do charity work and prepare for Veterans Day. and it's a big deal, and I think we all honor our veterans for their courage and for, you know, giving their time and in too many cases their lives.

We salute the veterans, and to get a hands-on perspective, we decided as a programming thing here to bring in a soldier that we know that sometimes calls the show. Lieutenant Tom Dowdy from Fort Pendlington, California, the military base down there. And apparently he's doing something for Veterans Day, which I think is a fantastic thing. And we want to help support that and get behind it. And so let's get him in here, Raj. Is he on the line? Okay, we got Lieutenant Commander,

Monkey Wrench, Lieutenant Tom Dowdy. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping. on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, Rodd, let's patch him in, Lieutenant Commander Tom Dowdy. Are you there, sir? Yeah, I'm here. Come back. How are you today, Lieutenant Tom Dowdy?

That's Corporal Lieutenant, Staff Sergeant Tom Dowdy, down here at Camp Pendlington. I'm just north of the great city of San Diego, California. Yes, sir, yes, sir. great to have you here, sir. That is a go. Now, as you know, we had Veterans Day earlier this week.

We remember the veterans and the sacrifice that they made. Yourself included, Lieutenant French Lieutenant Dowdy. Thank you, sir. I do appreciate the acknowledgement. I do appreciate the symbolic salute.

uh i i well i wasn't saluting i was just i think maybe you should put your hand to your forehead and salute well you wouldn't be able to know if i was doing it or not why don't you show a little respect and give me a salute civilian uh okay sir you're right you're right you deserve that here you go i didn't like that one well sir you you can't see it i'm asking you to do it again you know what i did for your country You know how I swamped it and airdropped it and napalmed it now. If I ask you to give me another salute, I think you can find it in your goddamn constitution to do so. Yes, yes, sir, here we go. That's much better. Thank you very much.

Now, you know, of course we give great thanks and respect to our veterans who sacrificed so much. for our freedom. Many, many veterans do awareness events for the veterans. Many do fundraisers. Is there anything you're going to be doing to kind of further that cause, Corporal Captain Dowdy? Well, as a matter of fact, I am planning to do a walk. I'm going to do a walk to raise money and raise awareness for the veterans, myself included, sir.

Well, that's a very, very noble cause, sir. And when you say a walk, are you talking about, you know, some of these veterans do a walk across the country, some walk across the state, some walk, you know, for hundreds and hundreds of miles? I plan to do a walk to the West Valley Central Mall. The West Valley Central Mall. Okay, and where is that on the other side of the country? According to Google Maps, it's about 16 and a half minutes from my front door.

I'm sorry, sir? About 16 and a half minutes from my front door, but if I walk briskly, if I walk aggressively, if I happen to get the green light at all the intersections, I'm confident I can get to the West End Valley Mall in 14.5 minutes, sir. Sir, I'm sorry, did you say you're walking over to the mall? Yes, sir. It's approximately just under half a mile.

I'm a little bit confused, corporate lieutenant, French chocolate Sunday, Doughty. What do you mean you're walking to the mall? mall, how do you raise awareness for veterans? Well, what I do is I let the community know that corporate lieutenant dumbed out is doing a walk for the veterans, all right? And I walk to the mall, and hopefully as I'm walking to the mall, people come out on the sidewalk and give me donations. I'll be carrying an old mayonnaise jar.

I'm sorry, sir? Helmonds. Helmonds mayonnaise. Do you use craft mayonnaise or helmonds? I believe Helmonds is a superior mayonnaise. That's exactly what I say, and that's why I'm carrying a mayonnaise jar from Helmonds. And people can just go ahead and drop coins, dollars, whatever they want. I'm going to raise some money for our veterans. Yes, sir, I am. Okay, so I'm assuming when you get to the mall, there's a reception, there's more of an event going on at the mall where people are gathered

and you give a talk, and there's other veterans, and then you've got more money-making outlets there to donate to the cause. Actually, I will be going to the food court. Excuse me, sir? I will be going to Baskin-Robbins after a vigorous walk of just under a half-half. a mile, I will be quite hot and quite sweaty. And I do like to sit in the food court and people watch. Sir, I'm a little confused here.

You're, you're trying to raise money and awareness for the veterans. That's a go. Okay, and you're walking, it sounds like you're just doing a regular old walk from your, from your house to the mall. Did you just say a regular old walk? Yes, sir I thought I told you I'm doing this for the veterans And I've got a Hellman's mayonnaise jar out

Okay Now that thing is Velcroat right to my abdomen People can walk up and drop money Into the Helmans Okay Yes, but then you're going to the food court sir And it sounds like you're going to be sitting down And having, did you say, Baskin Robbins

Mid chocolate chip, double scoop I like to have it in a cup I used to like to have it in a cone when I was a younger man but I don't know something's changed something's really changed inside me nowadays I go right to the cup

and they give you that little pink spoon have you seen this thing that little pink plastic spoon I mean I just I find with an ice cream cone you gotta kind of you gotta kind of lick it faster it starts melting all over the place

you know but when you get it in a cup Oh, my God, in heaven, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ, you can just take your time with that ice cream and lick it. Just lick it nice and slow. You can take your time. It's like foreplay. It's like a new cuddlingis on my fucking ice cream right there in the food court. Sir? Corporal left to the lieutenant engine number nine,

Dowdy. I'm sorry, listen, I'm trying to do something for the military. I'm trying to give back. I'm trying to do something for my country. Now, let me ask you something. It sounds like you're taking kind of an adversarial tone with me on this. Well, sir, I guess I'm just a little... skeptical of this whole thing.

I mean, it doesn't sound like it's going to be very productive, and it doesn't sound like you're going to make... It sounds, sir, I'm going to be blunt. It sounds like you're waking up and walking to the mall to sit in the food court and have some ice cream. Well, excuse me, civilian. What the hell are you doing for veteran today, huh? What in the name of sweet, hairy Jesus Christ did you do?

Sir, if you could just not with the Jesus Christ stuff... Oh, I'll do what I want because I'm a French lieutenant commander's fourth quadrant squadsman from the United States military. And if I want to say that Jesus Christ is all hairy, I will say sweet hairy, Jesus Christ, okay? I will say sweet hairy sauce squash ass Jesus Christ in heaven if I want to, okay, civilian. Sir, I need you to tone it back. And what are you going to do? all right did you serve this country

or do you just sit with your big blubbery ass in your podcast chair and just try to make people giggle well whoopty do how about you huh look at you circus clown you know I

I resent those words sir and I'm not trying to be adversarial here I'm just trying to get a handle on this whole this whole money raising veterans walk you're doing. It sounds a little, a little insincere. What did you say, civilian?

It sounds a little insincere, Commander Tom, Lieutenant French Crueler Downey. That's Dowdy. Okay, let's get it right. The name of my uniforms is Dowdy, not Downey. You know what Downey is? That's a cute name for a kid with Down syndrome. Hey, Downy, why don't you come over here and play with my socks? All right. Sir, that is very, very inappropriate, okay? Little Downes, children, you don't call them Downey. Oh, well, look at you.

Let me remind you something, civilian, okay? Well, you were riding your bicycle growing up and hanging out at the petting zoo and sucking on your mother's big fat aeroli. Come on now, sir. Well, did you have a big aerolai or didn't she? Well, now that you mention it. The size of a silver dollar pancake, right? Sir?

With a bump right in the middle, right. Sir, please. Am I right, civilian? Yes, you're right. Thank you very much. Well, you were sucking on your grandmothers. Not my grandmothers, my mother's. Well, you were sucking on your mother's hairy, hairy old eye.

It wasn't hairy. Jesus, Harry, Christ, it was. Well, there was a little bit of hair, I guess. I thought so. Well, you were so. Sucking on your mommy's arioli, her pancake-sized hairy areola. Sir! I was out in the jungles of Vietnam, all right?

I was wandering through swamps. I was wandering through rice fields. I was evading landmines. I was evading gooks jumping up from trapdoors in the middle of the jungle. And there were nights and days that went by where I didn't have nothing to eat. Not even a nibble, and I would dream, oh, I would dream of being in a food court at a mall. So don't you give me any of your sweet cabbage patch horse shit about going to the food court? Sir, okay, I get it.

You were in tough conditions, and you dreamt of being in a food court, but come on. Oh, come on you there, bingo bongle. All right. there were times when I went more than two weeks without a bite to eat you know what I had to do once in bin bin fu in Vietnam I had to cut my own leg off and eat it and then grow it back the next morning so I could get it off

and eat it again the next night and that's the way I survived I ate my own fucking leg okay I grew that fucking thing back like swamp thing and then i fucking ate that fucker again now let me ask you this civilian have you ever eaten your own leg no i haven't eaten my own leg don't you take a tone with me now boy sorry sir but that almost sounds preposterous yeah well i don't i show you the teeth marks just below my knee you know whatever sir i think this is getting a little

far-fetched, and I think we're going to end it right now. Are you going to donate to my cause? Am I going to see you on the sidewalk when I get out there, and I do my walk to the mall? You know, I don't think I am, with all due respect. I think I'll find another way to donate to veterans. I just don't really think I agree with what you're doing. Why don't you come over and join me for a nice couple?

basket romans you like rocky road you like you like french vanilla swirl maybe get you a cup of that get your tongue in there and just do some cuddlingus right there in the food court

just flicker your tongue like a little rattlesnake you ever see a rattlesnake flicker's tongue's a million all right this is getting a bit obscene You just flickering right into that fridge for the ice cream. Just get that cuddlingus basket robin's lingus. Stop it, sir!

Sweet, God! Don't you mean sweet? Harry, Jesus Christ. All right, that's it, Roger. Get them off. Get them off. Why don't you get your ice cream off with a nice long lick right between the almonds? in that Rocky Road basket

Just get your little rattlesnake tongue right up Between those Rocky Road almonds Hang up on him Good Lord! What the hell, Raj? You guys going to the mall To get ice cream? You know, I'm almost ashamed for veterans to hear that.

Is he gone? Good. Many, many apologies to our brave and courageous men in the United States service and all over the world. Good Lord. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if Corporal Lieutenant Tom Dowdy is suffering from symptoms, mental symptoms of being in the battlefield too long. I'm just not sure. I do commend him for his service. We respect him, but, God, sometimes he just goes off in weird directions. And I'm trying not to be critical or judgmental, but I don't know. So if you see him out there with his mayonnaise, Helman's mayonnaise jar,

you know, drop something in it. And I'm going to leave it right there. Raj, let's move on. There it is. Oh, I love that music. If you like that music, that is the exciting new music, and this is a big announcement here. This is the first time I've mentioned this.

It's here. My brand new app is here. And this is the music you'll hear in the app. It's a brand new app. It's called Philopio, and it was banned by Apple, of all things. It was too edgy for Apple, so you can only get it if you're on Android. We hope you check it out. It's a great app.

It's called Filopio. And basically, Filopio is a superhero who runs through fallopian tubes and shoots bad sperm, preventing it from getting to the egg, so that it could, so the bad people can not be made. people like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Screech and all the cast from Saved by the Bell. They will never, they will never, those characters will never come to life if Filopio has his way. But it's a super fun game. It's very intricate.

It's an action-packed game. Filopio is a little superhero and he's got a cannon for an arm and he shoots like rocket bullets. and he runs and he jumps and he dives and this game I'm telling you man it has been designed by these great game makers it's got like 23 levels

and it's got sub-levels and you run and you you shoot and you get birth control pills to give you more energy and you can ride on blood clots to slide through

the fallopian tube but it's insane. So I really hope you check it out. Filopio. It's on Android. And if you want to get a link, you can either search for it on Android. Just type in Philopio, F-A-L-L-I-P-O. Oh, wait, F-A-L-L-O-I-P-O-O-I-P-O.

There, I think I spelled it right. God, I'm not used to spelling. things with the word, kind of a subword of fallopian tomb. But anyways, or if you want to go to my website, harlowe Williams.com, there is a link right on the homepage. You can see some artwork from the app. You can click on it. You can go right in, and it'll take you right to the Android page if you have an Android phone.

And you can download that puppy. lots and lots of fun we're getting great reviews on it it just came out fresh off the app plate and I love to hear from you guys what you think if you download it and you're playing it I love to get your feedback on fallopio and get out there and shoot some sperm literally so let me know my number as you know is 323 739 4330. That's also on the website, harlo-williams.com, which, by the way, has been totally revamped. My website, that's another big announcement. My website is all new.

Oh, boy, is it ever cool? You can go in and you can go in and check it out. We've got all kinds of new features. It now offers video downloads so you can download my stand-up comedy. I'm going to be introducing some. really cool stuff very soon, some download audiobooks. Yes, I'm going to be reading stuff that I've written, and

you're going to be able to download that. We're working on putting together a best of Aunt Ruthie download. All your favorite Aunt Ruthie moments, plus some bonus stuff. I'll keep you posted on that, but the new website's very exciting because there's a lot more you can see and do and blah, blah, blah. So check it out your earliest convenience.

Download Philopio, tell your friends, and let me know what you think. You can write me at harlowewilums.com or like I said, call me 323-739-433. Leave me a voicemail. Give me your feedback. Or you can even write a review rate on the Philopio app site. So very fun and exciting stuff. Also I got some great comedy shows coming up. Oh, yes, oh yes.

San Jose. Where are you at San Jose? We start tonight at San Jose in California, at the improv. I'm going to be doing shows tonight, November 13th, right through the 16th of November. So really good stuff. And then the following weekend, I will be in Seattle at the Parlor Live in Bellevue.

So get your tickets. You can get them all online. Go to the new website, harlewilms.com. You can buy the tickets right at the site, just click the link, and it's going to be great. Also, coming up in December, I got the Kansas City Improv, and the last show of the year will be Crackers Broad Ripple and Indianapolis, and those are both in mid-December. So I'll give you the exact dates, but they are also featured on my website if you want to get an early jump on tickets. Also, we're working on putting the store back up in place, so the store,

is being refurbished, remodeled. We're offering new products, so can't get into the store just yet. But that should be up and running very, very soon. So write me, harlowewilums.com. Join our mailing list. That's a new feature on the website. You can join the mailing list. And we'll be able to shoot you an email if we're coming to your town or city to do stand-up comedy.

So a lot of cool interactive stuff. I urge you to check it out, join the YouTube channel, all that crazy stuff. oh boy so there you go folks uh again thanks to our veterans uh even major tom doughty even though he's a little bit left to center i would say um god bless you all for your service and uh that's it until next time don't cry just keep smiling and chicken chalmy baby yeah well i don't show you the teeth marks just Blomony.