The Harland Highway - 623 - BBQ EDDY, new iPhone, raffle tickets, pet fish, Fallopio.

Episode Date: November 17, 2014

BBQ Eddy makes a call looking for BBQ, Harland gets involved in a raffle, the new iPhone is discussed, calling for pet fish, and the NEW app, FALLOPIO! Blunch a skunk! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey there, Georgie Girl, walking down the street so fancy free. Welcome to the Harland Highway, and it is also free. I don't know if it's fancy, but it's free. I'm Harlan Williams. This is the Harland Highway podcast. Thanks for joining in all you pavement pounders and everyone else, freaks, geeks, and automobiles. Huh? What a show we have today.

I'm going to be calling a pet shop. looking for a pet fish. What's wrong with that? Is that so wrong? I'm also going to be discussing something I found in a mall that's super cheesy. And who knows, it could lead to something good. It's something you might have done in your lifetime that I'm kind of embarrassed about, but I did it, and I'm going to share it with you.

Barbecue Eddie is looking to get his barbecue on. He's going to be around. And then we're also going to be talking about food and the dangers of eating and the pressures and the guilt of eating right and stuff like that. And then also going to talk a little bit more about Fallopio, my new app, that just came out on Android, tons of fun. So we're getting into a lot of stuff today. It's going to be a treat, ladies and gentlemen, but it always is because this is the Harland Highway.

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication.

He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense.

Mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Speaking of rotten luck, here's something I did that involves a lot of luck.

You know, there's a lot of stuff in life that you can just make happen or you can say, oh, that guy's lucky or whatever, but there are some things in life that you really do need some luck. And case in point, I don't even know why I did this. It was just kind of goofy. But I was walking through a mall, okay, and in the middle of the mall, there was this incredibly gorgeous car. It was like a Ferrari 458 spider. They said it's valued at $377,000. Or basically you could drive a house around,

but that's probably tough to park. And I looked at this thing and I was like, God, that's a beautiful car, and I'm not that big into cars. And I saw people kind of looking around. I looked in and I was like, geez, what a nice car. And then I saw a sign of it. It says, oh, they're raffling the damn thing.

Eight tickets for 40 bucks. And I thought, oh, I'm not doing that. What am I a sucker? What am I some kind of sucker? Aw. And then I realized, you know what, 40 bucks, it's, you know, it went back to a story when I was a little kid. one day a big box showed up at my door

and it was a delivery guy and it was a my mom got it and she opened it up and put it in a kitchen and it was a great big old microwave oven and we were all like what the hell is a microwave oven and this was just when microwave started

just when they came out people were still scared of them they thought they caused like cancer and people thought they were like nuclear clear reactors, and people were afraid to cook stuff in them. And they were expensive back then when they first came out, and they're big. They're like bigger than an air conditioner. And my mom's like, oh, yeah, I signed up for a raffle at a grocery store. And sure enough, my mom wins a microwave.

I'd never even heard of a microwave. None of us had. It was like a new thing. and all of a sudden we got this microwave oven in our kitchen and we're heating up food in like three seconds they're like ooh ah woo it was so bloody bizarre and I thought how corny my mom signs up for a raffle

who signs up for a raffle who ask yourself any of you listening right now have you ever signed up for a raffle Even the words Ridiculous. Raffle. Sounds like a Muppet. Hi, I'm Raffled.

A Muppet. Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, gna, oh. Raffle. It's just a goofy word. It's almost embarrassing to even say you've signed up for a raffle. Or you, you know,

something cheesy about it. But my mom liked that stuff. And sure enough, my mom wins. My mom was kind of a lucky person I think. Out of all the people, she won the raffle and won a giant microwave. And it was hilarious. And we had that thing for like 30 years.

And so I saw this giant car, this beautiful black Ferrari 458 spider. Who knows what the number means? It does the number mean it? It's a Ferrari 458 spider. Well, what does 458 mean? Well, at least 458 people will see you when you drive it. Okay. And there's probably going to be 458 birds in the sky at any given time when you drive it.

Right. And the leaves on the trees, there's... There's at least 458 leaves on the trees. Okay, but what's this got to do with the car? I don't know, just buy the thing. So I get this Ferrari 458 Spirits in the middle of the mall. It's black, it's gorgeous, and I thought for 40, I can pay $37,000 for this car. Or for 40 bucks, I have eight chances that someone stick in their hand in a bowl

and pulling my name out. I'm like, the odds are crazy. But then I thought about my moment or magic of my microwave raffle. I thought, you know what? I've never done a raffle. So I'm going to do a raffle. So here I am.

You can hear them. These are the raffle tickets. I got like eight raffle tickets. And what I didn't know, I'll take eight raffle tickets, man. The lady's like, okay, fill the out and what I had to do is I had to fill out each one each one had to put my name my address my phone number was like Jesus this is kind of a pain in the asses raffle can't we do this any other way

so I stood there like a moron in front of the raffle thing in front of this beautiful car filling out all the raffle paperwork I'm getting a little raffled around the edges but so anyways I stuck them in the fish bowl, and I saw there was a bunch of other ones in there, and I thought, how do I get the edge on other people? And then I looked in and I saw some of the raffle tickets were folded. And I thought maybe that makes sense. When the guy puts his hand in, he's probably going to feel a folded raffle ticket quicker than he feels just a flat one.

I don't know. So now I'm trying to come up with some kind of strategy. for a hand and a raffle ball. God, I'm trying to. How do I get the edge on the other rafflers? Is that what they're called? Rafflers? Suddenly I'm a raffler.

Looking to out raffle the other raflers. Raffle. So anyways, goofy as hell. And so I bought these things, and you're probably going, oh, my God, he's about to tell us he won. No, it's not until January, fourth 2015 but i just kind of threw these tickets on the shelf and i go what if what if one day

some guy from a mall calls me ah this is david from the mall excuse me uh david from the mall what what are you talking about you just want a four hundred thousand dollar Ferrari from the mall so i thought what if one day my phone just rings and there's a guy who says i want a the $400,000 Ferrari. So it's one of those things I just throw it up on the shelf there. I just threw them back on the shelf. They're stapled together, a little pile. And let's see what it's actually, I guess some of the money goes to something,

goes to some educational institute. And it looks like the draw days January 4th. And they're going to do it in the mall. and it looks like there was 231,000 tickets printed. So there's my odds. What are the odds of some guy, the raffle master, sticking his hand in the raffle bowl, and pulling out my raffle ticket, 231,000,

and I've got eight chances at it. And then I guess I don't know if there's a problem. Maybe it's like gambling. People have addictions to raffling, but there's a number here, the Raffle Info Line. Jeez, that sounds pretty crazy. Maybe I should call it. Maybe I should call the Raffle Info Line.

Let's do that and see what they say. That could be fun. Let's call the Raffle Info Line right now. Thank you for calling the Universal Educational Institute of Canada Raffle Line. We are pleased to announce that we drew the winning ticket on Sunday, January 5th, for the Grand 2011 Ferrari, 458, Italia. Well, that's not the one I want. The winning number is 1-1-28-200.

No, no, no. The winner of the car is from Medicine Hat, Alberta, and they have claimed their prize. No, I want the black. We are excited to have another raffle in place. Tickets are again, one for 10, three for 20. I want the black, the black raffle. Oh, 5-8, Spider-Convertible. There it is.

Valued at $37,000. Ooh. Ooh. Pickets are available at our raffle desk in phase three of West Edmonton Mall. Ooh. Thank you for your past support of the Universal Educational Institute of Canada and the Canadian Digested. What, I don't get to talk to anyone?

What, that's it? If you have any additional questions, please wait for the beach. and leave your message. Thanks, and have a great time. Oh, I'm going to leave a message. I got to. Hi, I'm just excited that I'm in a raffle, and I can't wait for you to, for the raffle master,

to do the raffle, and I'm just, I hope I win the raffle. Oh, I've got raffle fever. Oh, my legs are on fire. Oh, man, was that wrong? too soon my legs are on fire that guy sounded like a pretty like laid back dude what's he gonna do when he hears that some someone's so nuts about raffling their legs are on fire so there you go it's legit i told you i'm unofficial raffler gang i don't know what you're doing with your crappy lives but uh this player's raffling player oh i've been raffling player i got me my raffle on

oh hey bitches i'll be raffling so there you go if you want to get cool like me you better look around your community and get your ass to the nearest raffle player Hello? Hi, how are you today? I'm okay, new. Is this Ed's? No, it's not. Oh, what's this?

This is the pet store? No, sir. They haven't had this number in about eight years. Oh, my God. I'm trying to find a, my kid wants a pet fish. Do you have anything or? This is a residence, I'm sorry. Do you have a fish tank or anything?

No, I don't, thank you. Because my boy wants, he wants to, get one of these piranias you ever hear of these they're like they live in the this is a personal residence it's not a pet store i know but i just i'm it's from my boy and he really wants one of these uh the piranias they eat the they live in the amazon i'm sorry i don't have anything well it's for a boy ma'am i mean if you don't have compassion in your heart for a boy who wants a pet fish i don't know what you have oh the good old paranya eating what it wants when it wants

you? What about you, pavement pounders? Do you eat what you want, when you want? Are you a parania? It's tough in this life because we're constantly being barraged with propaganda or scientific fact or medical fact that so many things are bad for you, that, you know, there's dyes in food, colored dyes, and there's, you know, there's, you know, there's, you know, Coca-Cola's got battery acid in it and coffee's got enzymes that will eat your pancreas and, you know, breakfast cereals are filled with iron filings and there's sheet metal and cheese slices and I mean, I'm exaggerating obviously, but, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, there's so many things that are thrown at us every day that kind of freak us out

and make us feel guilty about eating and scare us. And yet how many of you out there really alter your eating habits. It's like this is what we do. We watch a news story. Today the government reveals that hostas ho-hoes have arsenic and rubber in them. And you go, oh, mental note, mental note. Okay, arsenic and rubber in hostess ho-hoes. Okay, okay.

And then, you know, three months later, you buy a hostess-ho, and you go, wait a minute, that rubber, yeah, whatever. you know it's it's like we kind of make little mental notes of all this bad stuff and then we go ahead and do it anyways and it's weird it's disheartening and it's it's confusing and it's like why do we do that we're just we're just kind of like whatever you know and then at the end of the day you go you go are people dropping dead on the street are people are people in hospitals, are people going through long, prolonged deaths because of all this stuff? Is it really the reason we get cancers and diseases?

And I don't know. And I'm not discarding or disputing that that's the reason, but I really don't know. And I don't know if anybody knows. Because you look at all the people that get cancer or diseases, and you go, Oh, well, that guy, he drank a lot of whiskey when he was younger. Or, oh, that lady, oh, she used to eat grilled cheese sandwiches every day. No wonder she's got leukemia. But then you look at you, you offset the amount of people that get sick

against the billions of people that just live and die without any of that stuff. And you go, well, all those people are probably eating. eating the dyes and the metals and the rubbers and the thumbtacks and whatever else is in food. And you got to go, well, well, what's right? What's the answer here? And it just, it kind of like, it sucks because it makes you be trepidacious around food. It kind of scares you. It freaks you out.

And then if you, let's say you're driving somewhere. You've got a road trip up the highway. It's a two-hour drive. You're going to your Aunt Mabel's house for Thanksgiving. You've been driving for an hour, and you're like, I've got to pull into the gas station and get like a... I just want something to kind of nibble on. I think I'll get a little bottle of Coke and a glazed honey bun.

And I can't tell you the amount of trauma I go through when I do this. Just an enjoyable little sugary treat. But as I'm eating it, I'm thinking about the clip I saw on YouTube. I'm thinking about the story I heard on public radio. I'm thinking about the newscasters on CNN who did a big thing about how Coca-Cola and honey buns will put you in an early grave. I mean, it's just like, ah!

And at the end of the day, does it even matter? It's like it's humanity. It's the population base. It's like there's always going to be people that get sick and people that just ride it through. And I guess what I'm saying is do we need to be bombarded with everything? Do we need to have the stress of what we eat and don't eat? I think we all know if you eat too much of something,

you're going to get fat and it might not be healthy. But then again, maybe it isn't not healthy. Maybe it's just fine. Now, the fat thing's for sure. We know if you eat too much junk and food, you put on weight, okay? You're ingesting, you're putting stuff in your body. Where does it go? It's staking in your body.

You're going to get fat. But all the other stuff, I don't know. Is the brown dye and snapple going to put me in an early grave? Is the grape juice I drink with the artificial coloring going to trim four years off my life? Are those powdered donuts from 7-Eleven that make it look like you've been sucking on a bag of cocaine? The white-powdered donuts? Did I just miss my son's graduation because I ate a little bag of those donuts? I don't know.

But boy, the pressure on us, man. The stress, you know what? You know what they say really kills people is pressure and stress. They say, that's the killer. That's what. Oh, my God, I just did a donut. That's what's killing people. Stress.

So maybe it's the stress of eating all that junk. It's not the junk that's killing us. It's the stress of picking it up and buying it and putting it in our mouths. I'm like, oh, my God, I shouldn't be eating this. Oh, I really shouldn't be eating this glazed honey bun, but it's so good, and I'm driving to my Aunt Mabel's house for Thanksgiving. And I just need something to nibble on. I need some sustenance.

I don't want to crash into the side of the road over the stretch. Should I eat it? I just paid for it. Maybe I'll take a bite and throw it out the window. But it tastes so good. I think I'll finish it. Oh, give me the Coke to wash it down. Oh, I think I feel myself dying inside.

Oh, oh, the Coke just went into my arteries. Oh, my split. You know, it's like, come on. So it's a toughie, man. It is a real toughie. So I don't know the answer. I'm just throwing it out there, man. We just all be piranias and eat what we can and just be gluttons and just lose the stress, eat, and die.

I don't know. I'm just throwing it out there. I'll tell you one guy that knows what he likes to eat, though. That's our friend Eddie, barbecue Eddie. He likes to eat barbecued stuff, right, Eddie? This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up.

Oh, we're all time. How may help you? Hey, how's it going, man? Going well. How are you? Pretty good. It's, uh, Eddie. It is early. What can I do for you? No, it's not early. It's, uh, Eddie. Eddie, okay? Yeah, I was going to see if maybe wanted to grab a barbecue today.

Just, you know, crack out some ribs, maybe some salmon steaks or whatnot. Mm-hmm. Maybe, uh, slap around some corner. I would really appreciate if you stopped calling our place of business. We do have other customers that need to use this line. I just want to see if you have a bar. Hey, what the hell? What the hell?

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Speaking of hanging up, I don't know if you guys have stepped up to the new iPhone, but I have. I hung up my old iPhone and I bought the new big one. The big iPhone 6.50, Tosh, 0.50, whatever it is. And holy smokes.

It's pretty good. It's a little more clunky to hold because it's bigger. So it's like it doesn't just kind of hide in your hand. It's a little, I have a feeling that the odds of me dropping it are better because it's a little clunkier in the hand, but that being said, it's really nice looking at that big screen. I didn't even really think I would like it. And the reason I got it is like, I needed a new iPhone. I needed to update everything. And the new one is a little bit bigger. And I thought, well, if I'm going to go a little bit bigger, why not just go right to the big

one like why am i what's the point of upgrading like half an inch why not just upgrade like an inch and a half two inches or whatever the difference is it it seemed dumb to upgrade to such a small degree so i thought i'll just get the main the big new iPhone and um and now that i hold it up i'm holding it up against my other one right now and it's it just seems so tiny it seems like a little postage stamp and it's so light and it's it's amazing so i'm kind of happy with the new one it definitely helps when i look at video like if i'm on usa today and i look at a news story or even my font is obviously bigger when i'm looking at text messages and emails so it's not bad at all you know and i'm kind of digging it so uh you know and it's it's big enough that i can put uh you ever buy that pilsbury chocolate

chip cookie dough. I can, like, definitely get a log of that and put the cookie dough on my big new iPhone and put it in the oven and bake cookies on some great cookie sheet. I can do the small mini pizzas. I did a tuna casserole the other night on my new iPhone. Delicious is a meatloaf. So it's good for many, many things. If you're out in the snow, you can.

strap it onto your feet and use it as a snow shoes. You can snowboard on it. It's big enough to do that. I got mugged the other night and smashed a guy over the face. It's just like swinging a board. But no, seriously, I'm happy with it. It does a good job. There's a lot of neat new features.

And the size really hasn't been in effect. People, well, does it fit in your pocket? And it's like, yeah, it slides right into your back pocket. Obviously, it's a little bigger. but it slides into your pocket, your sweater, your back pocket, even your front pocket. It's not that big of a deal. In fact, it's actually about the size of your average pocket. If you look at the dimensions, you know, pockets are kind of big and deep.

When you think about your blue jeans or your pants, it's maybe for girls it's a bit different, but for dudes, it really is kind of the depth, the length, and the width of a standard pocket. So it's not that big a deal. So there you go. That's my little... I did it. I upgraded, man. I upgraded my hairy ass.

And I don't know why that's important to you, but I think you should know. I think you should know the size of my phone. Hey, man. Oh, yeah, I got a really big phone player. Uh-huh. That's right. Oh, yeah, it's 6.0.

That's right, ladies. Check out my phone. Uh-huh. That's right. Anyways, enough. And speaking of phones, I want to remind you, because I just announced this, the last show. Please check out the new app that I've created. It's called Philopio.

And it's an action-packed adventure game where you literally are, it's like Super Mario, except your Philopio, and you're running through fallopian tubes, shooting bad sperm cells before they can get to the egg and create horrible people like Saddam, Osama, Screech, anyone from Saved by the Bell, Richard Sim, and that type of thing, you know? So it's a really fun game. Check it out.

It's only on Android, banned from Apple. Apple was spooked that it took place in a fallopian tube because, you know, I don't know if you've been on any of Apple's apps and their social sites, but they have apps for, you know, adulterers and one-night stands and all kinds of sexual treats. They've got apps on Apple for it, but yet you, you know, I do a cartoon of a guy running through a fallopian tube

and I'm banned from Apple, but I had some really qualified great game builders build it. This isn't like a little hokey, hunky, chunky, little thing. This is a legit video game and an app. You are going to have a blast playing this thing. There's like 26 layers, and they get harder as you go, and it's a lot of fun. So go to Android if you got an Android. It's only 99 cents.

You'll love it. And we'd love to hear from you, see what you think. So check it out, Fallopio on Android. And that's it, man. Let's get into some juicy, hot and juicy announcements here. Check out my new website, harloweems.com. It's a bit of a work in progress, but a lot of cool stuff going on on the website, the new website.

And while you're there, go to the stand-up comedy page, and you can buy tickets to my upcoming show in Seattle, Washington, at Parlor Live. You can click on the link and get tickets. You can also flash forward to December. I'll be at the improv in Kansas City. I should mention the parlor live date, shouldn't I? In Washington, it's November 27th to the... Hold on, that is wrong.

It's November 20th to the 22nd. There we go. And then in December, I'm going to be at the Kansas City Improv, December 4th through the 7th, and then a Crackers Broad Ripple in Indianapolis, December 11th to the 13th. And then that'll be it. for the rest of the year.

So a lot of good stuff. Also, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel at the new site. You can write me at harlomwilliams.com. You can join our mailing list so you can get updates for things. And also, you can call me and leave a voicemail if you want. 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3. And there you go. So thanks for tuning in.

Tell your friends to get on, get the asses-on to hauling house. way and have some fun with us and that's it we're done until next time ladies and watch out for piranias and chicken show me baby maybe slap around some corn on the call i would really appreciate if you stopped calling our place of business we do have other customers that need to use this line i just want to see if you have a bar hey what the hell what the hell Thank you.