The Harland Highway - 625 - Get your ass in gear. DIRTY LIVE COMEDY.

Episode Date: November 24, 2014

The Question of the Day wonders if you have your ass in gear. Some live comedy with Harland and a dirty, dirty crowd. Nutty phone call from a listener. Slip a chip!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm a burning, burn and burn and hunk of love. Not really. I'm a burn and burn and hunk of podcast right now is what I am. And we have a burn and burn and hunk of podcast for you. It's fun. We're going to have fun today. I'm going to be playing a special clip of me doing some live stand-up comedy where I got into it with a person in the crowd.

And she started talking about her clitoris. and we started talking about conno lingus and fallatio, and it got pretty racy at the late show in Seattle, Washington, very recently. So buckle in for that. That's going to be some fun live stand-up comedy for you guys to listen to. Also, we're going to be talking about people that just kind of take their time in life, people that just kind of move along slowly. There's a word for it.

There's a specific word for what I'm talking about, but I'm not going to give it away just yet. But it's a very interesting word, and it might apply to you and your life, not just physically, but psychologically as well. So we're going to uncover that, explore that. Also, a very important phone call from one of the pavement pounders. Oh, it's going to be fun.

Buckle in. Here we go. This is the Harlan Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later.

How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy.

to strap you on some time. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. Remember around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams.

The Rock and Luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Highway. Question of the day. That's right. I'm starting right out of the gate with the question of the day. And it's an important one. It's an important one on a physical level and perhaps a psychological level. And here's my question. I hope you know the answer. Are you a meanderer? You heard me a meanderer. Do you meander around when you're walking through an airport or a mall or down the sidewalk? Do you just kind of meander?

In other words, are you one of those people that I get behind or you get behind and you don't lack direction? You just kind of wander along, shuffling around, almost as if you have no purpose in life. You have nowhere to be, nowhere to go, no agenda. You just meander. You're almost like a tumbleweed. You're just blowing down the sidewalk, meandering. And I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing to meander. Maybe to meander is to take it slow, to chill out, to lowers one,

one's blood pressure just to meander along like a leave falling out of a tree and falling into a river and just being pulled along by the current or are you like a salmon that swims against the current and has purpose and drive and are you swimming upstream and jumping over rocks and powering your way to your destination or are you just a leave bobbing and weaving bouncing down the river going nowhere quickly no real purpose just wherever the wind blows you

or do you need to get to the breeding grounds so you can spawn and procreate and perpetuate the species do you have a substantial purpose in your daily lives wow easy Williams

well here's Well, here's why I'm asking, because I am not a big fan of meanderers. Okay, if you're walking on a beach in your bare feet, in the sand, and the waves are coming in and washing over the top of your feet, and there's a purple sunset and seagulls and a tropical breeze and your shirts open and it's flapping and the winds in your hair, yes, yes, yes, meander. Meander down the beach for miles.

Okay, just wobble back and forth, blow around, you know, who cares? Walk about, you know, 300 feet in two hours, whatever, just meander. But if you're in a mall, if you're in an airport, if you're walking down the sidewalk, can you please have somewhere to fucking go? Holy God. Can you tell them a little agitated? I can't stand getting behind people that get off a plane or step off an escalator or get out of an elevator or just happen to get in front of you and they just meander. They're kind of not walking forward. They're kind of kind of weaving from side to side. they're kind of stopping, they're kind of pausing. It's just, there's no real clear direction.

There's no sense of environment. Meanderers have no sense that there's other people around them, that there's people that need to move around them because they're causing an obstruction with their meandering. They're slowing down the flow, if you will. meanderers. Oh, I'm scolding. I am scolding the meanderers.

And I guess it's okay to meander, okay? I'm not saying you should be executed. But you could meander and have a consciousness of what's around you. Okay? I don't mind if you wander around slowly and stuff. But when you're looking in that store, when you're staring into your cell phone, when you're staring at the spider web on the ceiling as you meander,

take a look behind you, look around, you just kind of see where everything is, where the crowd's going, and kind of meander your meandering ass out of the way. How about that? And it's weird. Sometimes when you're walking through an airport, the hallways are limited in their width.

or the escalators are limited in their width. And so you've got your bag and your little roly suitcase and you're trying to get to customs or get to the security line or whatever. You're trying to get out to the sidewalk just to get out of the damn airport. And the people that got off the plane in front of you are just, I love the airport. I think I'll beander around. Even though I'm leaving, my flight just landed.

and I should be going home, I'll just meander around the airport, and all these people behind me can just wait. And I also notice that sometimes when people drive, they meander, they just kind of roll along, no real purpose, no real sense of urgency to get anywhere, which again, maybe is good for your blood pressure, but guess what, it's not good for everybody else's. everyone else is like what are you doing move move your ass go some of us have places to be just because

you're following a butterfly down main street some of us have to be at meetings and you've seen the meanderers you ever go to the movies you go to the movie theater and your movie starting in six minutes and you go to the snack bar and you already know what you want before you even got in You're like, I'm going to have a small popcorn with butter and a medium coke and a hot dog. Boom. How much variety does a snack bar offer? It's pretty straightforward what you want. And then you got six minutes to get to your movie.

There's one couple in front of you or one little family or even one guy. And they just kind of meander up to the counter. you guys got you got like slushies yeah what kind of candy do you have oh it's right here in the glass booth oh i should look down through the glass and i can see for myself do you have hot dogs even though There's a big, giant picture of a fully dressed hot dog right there. And you guys have popcorn, right? Even though I can see a giant glass thing popping it, and the stink of popcorn is permeating everywhere.

Right? Right. Like, you guys serve snacks, right? And I see a Coca-Cola logo on a machine that looks a lot like a soda machine. Do you guys sell like Coke and stuff? Ah! Meanderer! So that's the physical part of meandering that I was talking about.

It slows us all down. It's annoying. And so my question is the second part, the psychological part of meandering, are you a meanderer in your life, in your mind, in your spirit, in your daily routine? Are you someone in life that just kind of drifts along aimlessly? Or do you have purpose?

Do you have goals? Do you have direction? Do you have bravado? And that's the question of the day that I've got to ask. Maybe you're meandering through life. Maybe you're just kind of shuffling along and unsure of where you want to go and what you want to be and what you want to do. And there's a way to get around that. You focus.

You get purpose. You move your feet. You move your body. You move your mind. You get a sense of direction. And I don't know. I'm not judging, but I'm just asking. the question of the day

are you meandering through life if you're meandering through the mall and down the sidewalk and through the airport and at the movie theater shame on you if you're meandering through life in general

well that's something that maybe you want to change or maybe you want to realize maybe you want to look in the mirror and acknowledge that wait a minute I am just kind of of meandering through life.

I am just a leaf floating down a river. I want to turn the tide around. I want to be a salmon swimming upstream with purpose and direction and conviction. I have goals and destinations to reach. And it's going to be hard and it's going to be fast, but it's going to be exciting. I'm going to be going to be going to be dodging grizzly bears and fishermen and all kinds of bald eagles swooping down. I'm going to take chances.

I'm going to jump waterfalls. I'm going to do it. I'm not just going to float away on the surface like a dead leaf. So there you go, man. That's the question of the day. Are you a meanderer? And do you want to be a meanderer? The choice is yours.

But while you're thinking about it, get the hell out of my way! I got to get up river and spawn, baby. Woo-hoo! The Harland Highway, question of the day. Please go away and leave me alone. Hey, Harlan. Okay. Just so I'm clear, sir, you wanted me to, what was your message? Okay. I'm blowing a lot of air there, guy, but thank you. Important message. Thank you for that.

wow um and speaking of blowing air um i want to play for you a clip i was up in seattle seattle washington doing uh some stand-up comedy recently and uh you know i was at the late show and sometimes on the late shows i i try to be a pretty clean comedian but every now and then i get a little naughty sometimes on the late shows i'll get a little dirtier and i was talking about, uh, pardon my French, getting a blow job. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I did a bit that I think, I've played on the show before I Oh, excuse me, I just swallowed a A swallowed a bug

Um, I did a bit where I was talking about how uncomfortable it is For men to get a blow job or a blowy as I call it From a girl with long, wet hair who just got out of the shower So I thought, ah, it's the late show. I'll do the, the wet hair, blowy routine and some girl in the back of the room got fired up about it and she decided to get into it with me and it kind of accelerated into this kind of pretty nasty, blue, dirty kind of exchange

but at the same time it was kind of fun and funny and the crowd had a great time with it. So take a listen and sharing the crowd fun while I discuss the pros and cons of getting a wet hair blowy. And we do appreciate the blowies, ladies. Oh, yes, we do. There ain't a man in this room

that doesn't like a good old-fashioned blow him, all right, gentlemen? Well, ladies, do us a favor. Don't do this. When you give us a blowing, don't do it if you got to. long hair and you just got out of the shower and you didn't try your goddamn hair, huh? Never stood at the side of the ocean and watched the waves come in and out and

because you put your fucking seaweed stuck there. That's what it feels like all over our stomach. When you finish, we got chiro cubes or scallops and thin the crowns. That wet hair, it feels like that chick from the ring, for a lady of fucking welcome to get some floating. Bally your fucking hair! What's that man? I said, are you complaining, Kim.

I have complaining, Jim. You do not get the gist in the whole bed? And I look fucking happy about the way, man. I'm trying to help you. man. Oh. Ask your buddy there. Sir, you like it when the hair's wet all over your stomach?

Does that feel fucking creepy? Be honest to do, take that little fucking Hens Christian Anderson's scarf from talking about. Maybe that's why you got a fucking scarf if you catch all the moisture from the wet hair. Listen, everybody, Honestly, man, that's a tip. That's a little helpful tip. I don't know if other guys like it. I don't like the wet hair all.

Because it's cold and it's damp and it's soggy. It's like swamp thing. Oh, good. He makes a blowjob. What's that man? Just take the blowjob. Just take the blowjob. If you exist.

Can I ask someone to tell you a toilet pole there? You don't even know that you aren't fucking up with that shit. What, what? You don't know that you're clouded with that shit. My mind's all clouded with that shit? Well, let me ask you this. Let me turn the tables there, Charlie. there, Charlene's Angel. Is there something that the men do, that's sexual,

that you kind of don't like if they do it the wrong way? Yeah. First of all, do you know what the Clint is? What's the question? Hold on. What can you say? What the fuck's a click? That's it?

If we're gonna talk, he gotta speak fucking English. But if you're gonna fucking make up with. fucking make up words, I can't win. Did you know that the male penis floats in the top of bathwater and bounce for air like a coy fish? Did you throw a fish trailer to be a glad to eat that got

the fish with? Did you know that clip, master? I was slam a clip in a car boy. Oh, I was swam that motherfucker. I'll put your foot to my wall like the glitz so tied an elephant head for a fucking sick and I will just slap like this move on. That clip will scream in my house. Anyone else want to fuck around? So you missed all that, we're going to do it again.

Man, I love you. You... What's that? I love you, but I'm being serious. I want you to just think real hard, because you have to be very good. But is there something like, I don't like a blower with wet hair. Is there something, man? That's not to be the man you're with right now. when you get you in trouble like this fucking guy.

Is there something Amanda does because maybe you're not comfortable with you all particular light? I'd say like, where they think it is it's not where it is. Like, it's probably three interests away from what you're saying. Oh, hold on. I hear what you say. Come on hear what you say.

So a man goes down on you. He thinks he got the clip. He'll keep you three inches away from the house. You never think about grabbing a motherfucker by the hair and pulling the floor. You know, in 15 years from now, I've got to pull my picnic table back. Why, I'm leaving it to want with a motherfuckin' hand. This is getting real fucking dirty. This is that real fucking word.

I like you. What you mean? Coy. Coy. Can I throw some tissue in? Too easy to fuck you guys. You want to come up here and try to do? You got a fucking uncomfortable I feel telling a glove to slam or flint with a hard door.

I think it's this fucking easy. I'm looking for it to fill a fucking block and shoot the fucking head off. Coy, I like you, what you do, Coy. Personal trainer. Personal trainer, there you go. So you got the muscle, man, you got the arms. Why do you just communicate your memory? You got to move to three inches.

I'm just saying, like, if they talk a good game, let's see what you got. Yeah. Well, you can't talk a good game, but they got a kid. if they got a kid in the mouth. Don't be afraid. Communicate. You're just telling. Say, hey, Jim, whatever his name is.

Jim, you're missing. Or maybe just put your finger on it and show him. I hate to imagine you lay in there for like half an hour, faking it, because he's licking you. licking you right to come in here. I'm like, oh yeah, oh, oh fuck my hip bottom, oh yeah. Oh, I'm gonna Trump, motherfucker. Keep going.

You've got sick to do to take it. There's no fake of it. What? There's no face. You've never faked an orgasm? I don't know what. Why that year? Well, I'm 21, I guess I get to drink alcohol and take an organ.

Just that a curiosity, just so I know the difference. Can you re-enact the same way out there? Let me do what it's mouth. Shh! Everyone begone. Let me do. I count the tree and I need you to go. Ready? Shh! Ready?

One, two, three. It sounds like all the other females that you've been with. Ah! Trina, Trita. They have a ribble to the valley button. That's right. What? What?

Just like a pussy in your car door. Not the whole pussy, right? Not the whole pussy, right? What, my fucking animal? Who slams the whole pussy? What are you? You're driving a fucking smoke bar? The gentleman would be slammer to click in the car,

not the whole pussy. Where the fuck you come from, bro? So I see you're looking away uncomfortable. in a way I'm comfortable with that. I don't be an example if you could sit down on the toilet. Release the Kraken! I didn't mean to get this dirty.

It's kind of fun, very, but normally I'm not just fucking raw, but Coy brought it out of me. Coy pulled me into the Coy pond and tried to trout me. All right. So there it is. A little hard to hear maybe at some points just because, you know, it just got so crazy. But basically this girl started going at me about telling me that men didn't know how to find the clit and didn't know how to please a woman and blah, blah, blah. So there's an example of the late show doing live stand-up comedy and just have.

having at her with the crowd having fun and just kind of that's the thing when you improvise with the crowd you know you just got to go with it and sometimes people talk about their puppies and you just improvise about puppies and sometimes people talk about dirty stuff and you got to improvise them but that's kind of the you know that's kind of one of the the cardinal rules of improvisation and comedy, you just kind of always have to go with what is presented to you. If you deny what's throwing at you or you put up a wall to what's throwing at you, then you kind of kill it. So I try to just roll with it no matter what they throw at me.

I go, okay, well, if she wants to talk about her clit, then I'm going to talk about her damn clit. and that's what we did we talked about her clit i think i talked about slamming in a car door and all kinds of crazy clitoris stuff um so and why is it they it's kind of well i guess i was just thinking in my head that the clitoris has like a nickname like you know how your buddy uh you know David might be called Dave or Barbara might be called Barb How come the clitoris gets to be called clit? It's like penis doesn't get to be called peen

Why the clit got to get a little cute little nickname Like clitoris is like the older like you know 1950s housewife with the bun in her hair on the horn-rimmed glasses. That's Clitoris. Clitoris, would you come down here and get dinner ready, please, darling? And Clit.

Clit, she'd be the sexy 21st century like Vios. Oh, I ain't fixing you dinner. You're taking me out for lobster, baby. I'm Clit. Oh, that's right. All right, wow, too much.

Too much. Now I'm just meandering. meandering down the halls of ridiculousness. And I kind of like it. Anyways, that kind of brings us to the end of the show. I thought I'd play you that special little bit just for fun. I hope you enjoyed it. And if you want to see me live doing stand-up comedy,

doing that kind of crazy stuff, I only have two shows left this year. My goodness, I've won in Kansas City. at the improv, December 4th to the 7th. And then the following week, December 11th to the 13th, I'm in Indianapolis at Crackers Broad Ripple. Crackers is the name of the club, and Broad Ripple is the little community that it's in.

Indianapolis, December 11th to 13th, and Kansas City, December 4th to December 7th. And then that's it for the holidays. I'm just having time off. I'm going to enjoy Christmas. So it's going to be fun. And also, if you want to hear more of me going out at live with the crowd, please check out my website.

Oh, my God. That's swallowed a bug. Please check out my website. We have put on my stand-up comedy tour page a digital download where my new album, my new album called Crowd Control 3 is an album that consists just of live crowd interactions, kind of like the one you just heard. It's me dealing with drunks and hecklers

and people yelling and all that stuff. And the whole album is just me going back and forth with audience members. It's a lot of fun. It's very spontaneous. None of it's like pre-planned. It just kind of comes out of nowhere, and that's what makes it enjoyable for me,

and I think you guys will like it too. The album's the digital downloads like an hour long, I think it's a buck 99 at harlowe Williams.com. And while you're in there, look around, redesign the whole website. There's all kinds of cool, fun stuff in there now. You can join my YouTube page, subscribe to that. You'll get my wacky videos. all kinds of there's new photos in there you can look at there's videos there's it's

it's just really cool totally redesign and like I said you can download uh crowd control volume 3 if you like this kind of uh crazy off the cuff stand-up comedy in front of a live audience so check it out and while you're there you can write me at harlewilums.com um or if you don't want to write me you can phone me and leave me important messages like this one yeah yeah um here's the phone number three two three seven three nine forty three thirty three thirty three thirty if you want to leave an important message like that also our web store is under construction but it might be up uh as we speak We are frantically working to get the web store up

so you can make some fun purchases for Christmas, T-shirts, CDs, artwork, crazy books, all kinds of stuff. So hopefully the Harlewilms.com merchandise store is up and running by the time you get to it. If not, it will be up very, very soon. I will keep you posted. Let's see, what else can I tell you?

It looks like we have our Thanksgiving podcast coming up later this week, which is always a treat. And that's it. I think that's all I got for now. Check out all thingscom, which is a podcast network where my show is also featured. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway and just keep on smiling. Try not to meander too much through love. enjoy yourself pick some objectives have some purpose go get them the world is your oyster

thanks for being here everybody and until next time don't slam your clit in the car door and chicken chalmy baby Thank you.