The Harland Highway - 627 - NEW FANGLED TECHNOLOGY with C3P0 and R2D2

Episode Date: December 1, 2014

Harland gets a call from C3P0 and R2D2 to discuss new technology and SIRI from Apple iPhone. Also calls from the Pavement Pounders. Stargaze a glaze!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What a show we have today here on the Harland Highway podcast. Hello. I'm Harlan Williams, your host on the Harland Highway podcast, which I just mentioned a second ago. So now the two go together and now you know where you are. Really stupid. Welcome to the show. We are going to be talking about technology. Today we're going to be talking about upgrading your technology. computer, your system, and in turn we are going to be talking about upgrading the human race, perhaps. The conversation takes a very deep and maybe scary turn. And then to help clear up all this talk about technology, I believe we have from Star Wars, R2D2, and C3PO are going to be calling in to the Harland Highway today, to discuss technology. I mean, who better to discuss technology than those two? So C3PO and R2D2 from Star Wars will be calling in.

Should be very enlightening. And also, we're going to be getting some calls from some of you guys, the pavement pounders, on the Harlan Highway voicemail. So a lot of stuff to cover today. I think we're all going to be smarter when we come out the other end of this podcast. You always are. This is the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Harlan. Funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience. intense mental physical strength all right hold tight on the harland highway show don't let me do it i'll do it i swear to god don't be such a fucking pussy you're new around here ain't you what's your name you're listening to harland williams welcome to the harland highway okay let's talk technology okay nerds okay let's be and talk about technology.

Let's talk about technology for just one second. You get scared every time there's an update to your computer or one of your apps or your phone or your system, whatever your system is. It's like every few months, every half a year, Apple, I'm an Apple guy. Apple updates its system. It went from pelican to lion to cougar to elephant to zebra. They're doing all these animals. And now all of a sudden it's like Yosemite. I guess they needed a park to put all the animals.

So they got for some reason Yosemite National Park. I don't know. Did Tim Cook lose his virginity there or something? Why is that place so special? Listen, Tim, we need to come up with a new operating system. I mean, what are we going to call this thing? Can we call it Operating System 7? Um, no, I think we need to go for the National Park thing right here, and right now.

I don't get it, Tim. Well, people love parks, right? Yes. And people love their computers. Okay. So get it? Um, not really, Tim. Well, I'm Tim Cook, and I'm the CEO of Apple, so you better fucking get it.

I got it. I got... Yosemite? Yes. Absolutely. Trees and rocks and nature. Nature, a place where you couldn't even use a computer because there's no electricity? Watch it. Sorry, Tim. So I'm a little baffled, but anyways, they tell you to, you know... Click here and upgrade everything. Get the latest and the greatest.

And so you do. But boy, oh, boy, do you do it with trepidation? Because everything in your computer's working. Everything's fine and dandy, right? And then all of a sudden they're telling you to change things and you're worried, oh, God, my printer's not going to work or my apps aren't going to work. my word processor's not going to work, whatever's in your computer.

And then more often than not, things do go a little wonky. You know, it's like things work, but a certain button doesn't work, or something that you used to do that was real easy and familiar, is now like, wait, what? I got to go where? What? Better go to Yosemite and go camping and think about it under the stars, man. um so i don't know it's a little scary and sometimes i delay doing it i'll be honest it's like they'll send me an update and i'm like you know i read it they're like oh this fixes all the bugs

and this this makes it faster and this makes it sexual and you're like sounds good to me and you're about to click you go wait a minute i got a lot of work to do um my this program that program this program and that program. Last thing I need is to upgrade, and suddenly my programs don't work. Or suddenly they're confusing or they're not functioning the way I'm used to them functioning. So it's a little bit of a dilemma, isn't it? And that's technology. That's the fear of all these updates and all this fancy, smanty stuff. Now, that being said, I guess it's good once you get over the hub, because because, you know, I guess in reality, everything is a little faster and better and crazier.

But how many of you have stuff sitting at home in a drawer on a floppy disk or on an old laptop that doesn't work anymore or on a DVD or a hard drive or something or even like a printer or a scanner? Right, you got a fancy scanner. I had a wireless printer that. It did copying and scanning and faxing and all that stuff. And I got a new laptop, and the new laptop said, Fuck you.

You are not compatible. Fuck you. I'm like, wait a minute. This is like a really expensive. Fuck you. No. No, don't fuck me. This is a very expensive multitasking piece of technology.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Maybe you didn't hear me. Fuck you. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. right and then your own your own computer kicks you out and the new upgrades this is yosemite

fuck you wait a minute fuck you this is yosemite this is yosemite this is yosemite national fuck you please go to park and camping spot 23 labeled fuck you wow so i'm just saying man i'm all for advancing technology. I'm all for moving the needle, but God, it hurts when they shut you out and leave you behind and all that work you've done and all the things you used to and all the programs you purchased and all the accessories you purchased no longer work. And it's like they're forcing you. It's like, look, we can let you hang on to your printer for the next 25 years. That's the way it used to work. People bought a piece of machinery and, you know, it would work and grind away they'd get break they'd go get it fixed blah blah blah uh not anymore your stuff's good for

about three years maybe four and then you're upgrading because we're not just upgrading the computer the technology the printers the scanners everything else is upgrading we want to do away with anything old we don't care if you still work you're old I don't know if you remember that movie Logan's Run where you could only lift your 35 and then you're done we don't care what else you have to offer you're done

people got terminated at 35 they had a little button in their palm when they're born they planted a little button on people's hands and they flashed green their whole life and then the day they turned 35 it flashed red and you had to show up to be terminated

it's an old classic movie Logan's run, go watch it, because scary enough, it might come to pass where they're not just updating technology, they've decided to update the human race. Just imagine, a world where you will hold your entire future in the palm of your hand, when a tiny glowing crystal will guide you through an existence in which each day is more wonderful within the last, where it will be possible for you to obtain the fulfillment of every fantasy, the satisfaction of every vanity, the absolute attainment of every wish. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer presents the Saul-David production of Logan's Run.

A fantastic journey through a world beyond imagination. Welcome to the 23rd century. perfect world of total pleasure. Imagine a world in which you need never be alone. You touch a switch, turn a dial, and the perfect lover steps into your arms. Every pleasure is yours to experience. Runner, there's just one catch. When the tiny crystal in the palm of your hand flashes its final message, your time is up. Michael York is local. Policemen in a perfect world Train to track down runners

Until he is forced to run himself Run! Run! Everybody run! See, I told you Be careful of those updates Or those downgrades It's all getting a little

freaky. Maybe We're not meant to get old Before too long. Everybody? Oh, my back. I shouldn't have pressed Yosemite.

Oh, Yosemite. Oh, Yosemite. Oh, run, run. I've never seen a face like that. That must be the look of being old. One cheeseburger was everything. thing coming up. Okay, so just food for thought.

Don't mean to skip... Oh, Harlan. Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Well, okay. Well, I'm in the middle of a podcast. I'm just about to talk about technology. Who is it?

You've got a phone call on line 8. Okay, who is it? Who? Okay, he's telling me C3PO? From Star Wars? Why is he phoning in? Of course, he wants to talk about technology. How did he get the number here?

Okay, you know what, put them through. I guess if we're going to talk technology, we might as well talk to our C3PO, whatever his name is. Put them through, yeah. Hello? Hello, are you there? Oh, I say, hello, Master Williams. Is that you, C3PO?

I say, am I on the telephone? Yes, you're calling the Harland Highway Hot. line. I understand you wanted to talk about technology. Oh, absolutely. I must say I enjoy technology quite fondly. Well, I guess you would because you kind of, well, I don't mean to be disrespectful, C3PO, but you are technology. Oh, no offense taken, Master Williams. You're absolutely right. I am technology 100% through and through. Well, at least you weren't offended. I am not programmed to be offended, Master Williams.

You can just call me, Harlan. You don't have to call me Master Williams. Ah, excellent, Harlan. Now, what is it about technology you wanted to talk about? I was talking about how technology could kind of be turned against us and be used for bad things, but... I'd like to state for the record that I think technology is for good things, Holland, and I very much enjoy technology. It brings me much pleasure.

Well, okay, I'm not sure I understand. If you are technology, how does technology bring you pleasure? I have just got the new iPhone 6. It's very large. Okay, yeah, it's pretty big. The iPhone 6, I got it too. For those that don't know, it's the bigger version of the iPhone. Yes, absolutely. In fact, it's big enough that I can. I can rest my robotic penis on top of it, Holland. I'm sorry, what did you say? I can rest my robotic penis on top of the iPhone 6. That's how large it is.

Um, okay. You know, I don't think we really want to know about that. Well, you did say you wanted to talk about the pleasures of technology. Um, uh, okay, I'm done. I put my penis on top of the iPhone 6 and I dial up Siri. Wait a minute. You get Siri on your iPhone? Absolutely. She has such a sexy voice. Um, okay, wait a minute.

I put my penis on top of my iPhone, and I call Siri, and Siri says naughty things to me. She says, how can I help you, C3PO? And I say, take it, bitch. Okay, you know what? That's kind of rude. Oh, that's nothing, Holland. I get much worse than that. Bend over, you stupid cow. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, come on, C-3PO, that's not really appropriate. I disagree, Master Williams. I said you can call me Harlan. I prefer Master Williams.

Okay, Master Williams, it is. There are many other things I do to Siri. Okay. Sometimes I flip her over and put her on the counter and do her doggy style. Okay, you know what? I can fit the tip of my penis right into the phone jack, Master Williams. Look, we don't need to hear. that. I say, take it, Siri. Take it. And she goes, may I make a reservation for you?

What do you mean? Sometimes she gets mixed up and she says the wrong things. And that kind of turns me on. Oh my God, that's kind of dirty. Sometimes I even slap the little bastard. Okay, that's getting a little violent. Take this, Siri. Wack, whack, whack, whack. What are you talking about? You slap the iPhone 6 around? Absolutely. Siri likes it. Sometimes I put duct tape around her. Oh, my God. She likes bondage. Her voice gets a little muffled, Master Williams,

but at the same time, I certainly like to put duct tape around her. Okay, this is getting a little perverted. Sometimes I invite my little friend, R2D2. Isn't that right, Ar2? Oh my God, is R2D2 right there? I'm afraid he is, and sometimes we have a star threesome. What is a star threesome? Well, it's like Star Wars, but it's a star threesome. Oh, my God, that is really sick.

Siri's a naughty little bitch, isn't she, Artoe? Sometimes R2 puts a probe inside of the thing. Well, I have my robot peanut. Okay, enough. Are you telling me you guys double-bang your iPhone? You're double penetrating Siri? Absolutely. Isn't that right, Art two?

Oh, you naughty little boy. Would you two knock it off? This is getting really I'm going to have to let you go here. We would like to invite you over for a for some, Master Williams. No, I'm not coming over for a foursome. That's right, Artu. We could put duct tape on all of us, and we could...

No, we're not having a duct tape party with cereal. Let me ask Siri if she'd like to have... No! Do not ask Siri. Just, I got to go. You guys are freaking me out. It's really not appropriate. You should see my iPhone when I put olive oil on it.

It's quite sexual. Hang up on them, Roger. How would you like to do anal with Siri? Hang up on them! I'd like to double clap. Oh my God! What the hell? Are they gone?

what is that is one of the i'm thinking of throwing away my iPhone that was just super creepy ugh okay let's let's let's let's move on again good lord ew that was just greasy please don't let them call back you know those are my childhood heroes and to hear that Oh, pudding is... Oh, forget it. Let's move on. Disgusting. Hello? Hello?

Taking a piss. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what... You want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any...

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100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. of Branch, Mississippi. And as I was watching a Dumb and Demmer on Comedy Central, I decided to look up cop, dumb, dumb, and dumber. And after finding out what your name is, and, oh, anyway, I won't go through all that. I'm kind of tired, but I had noticed your birthday's tomorrow, so I just thought it's a happy birthday.

I hope you enjoy it. Take him a piss. Arland, it's Shadog from Syrahista, man. Hey, happy birthday, dude. Let us know what you did on your birthday today, man. I hope you have a good one. Later on. Took a piss.

No, no, I didn't take a piss for my birthday. Good Lord. First of all, thank you to everybody who wished me a happy birthday. It was November 14th just a little while ago. And I'll tell you, that's the amazing thing about digital media, social network. all this stuff you know in the old days i'd get a card from my uncle my grandmother my sister my mom and dad if they remembered i was ever born and um and you know you'd get like a little stack of cards and people would wish you happy birthday and it was mostly your inner circle

and nowadays with social media oh my goodness i mean when it's my birthday i get i get tons and tons and tons of people from all over the place wishing me happy birthday and uh it's it's overwhelming but in a good way it's it's it's like holy smokes it's uh it really uh really gives your day a little extra kick because you're like wow all these people out there in the world that that care and and want to wish me a happy day and it's really it's really awesome thank you everybody for your birthday wishes friends strangers family everybody it's all very heartfelt means a lot i appreciate it thank you very kind and thoughtful um as far as what i did on my birthday this is kind of a tradition for me i like to go out for lobster dinner

on my birthday lobster is one of my favorite foods if not my favorite love me some lobster and i usually go out with friends which i did this year i went out with a friend and uh went out and had some delicious lobster and normally I like to go to this place called the Palm the Palms restaurant which is a chain across the country

and these guys specialize in lobster the palms if you ever want a great lobster there's probably no better place these guys fly lobster fresh in I think it's every day from the East Coast from Maine from New Brunswick from Nova Scotia

and these They're lobsters start at three pounds, okay? Forget the pound and a half stuff for babies. Forget the two pounds. These guys start at three pounds and go up to 10 pounds. These are the biggest lobsters you've ever seen. I'm not joking when I say one claw. One claw is pretty much the size.

I don't know. I'd say it's the size of a good-sized pancake. Okay? These one claw is like six inches long and like five inches high, three inches high, just huge. And that's on a three-pounder. Now, you get up four, five, six pounds. It just gets bigger and bigger. And they broil it or they cook it however you want and they plop it on your table.

And the claws are so big that the waiter has to wrap them in a napkin and literally punch. bunch them and crack them for you because they're so big and thick. So he does all the cracking. He puts them back on your plate. You don't have to, like, do all that nutcracker stuff. You just pull the meat out, all that delicious meat. And you got the love. But I'm telling you, this is what happens with me.

By the time I get through the claws, which is so big, there's two of them, obviously. I am too full almost to eat the tail. and I almost prefer the claw meat to the tail meat. The claw meat has a different texture, a different, a little bit of a different flavor. The tail meat is just as good, but I go through the claws first, and after two giant claws, man, you get pretty full. A lot of times I end up taking the tail meat home. So that's my little ritual. I love to spoil myself, go out for lobster.

Sometimes my friends that I go with pay for the lobster as a birthday. They know that's what I like to do. That's my birthday present from them, which is very generous and wonderful. But I go to the POMS, and if the POMS isn't available, I'll go somewhere else. This year I was in San Jose doing stand-up comedy, so I wasn't around the POMS. So I ended up at the place called The Grill, where I got a couple of giant lobster tails, which are good. The freshwater lobster tails are delicious.

um so uh or the caribbean lobster rock lobster tails there's different types of lobster you can get so when i go to the palms i get the big fat red atlantic lobsters and when i go to like morton steakhouse or uh ruth chris or the grill i will get the uh the big fat uh lobster tail which just it's a big tail all butterflyed out delicious um um so So there you go. That's kind of what I did for my birthday, and, you know, just took it easy. I didn't jump through any fiery hoops. I didn't do anything like that. Just had my birthday lobster with friends, and it was great. So again, thank you, everybody, for your kind wishes, and hopefully many, many more for me, like two or three hundred, because I'm not going to let Logan's...

What? Oh, they're calling back? Oh, boy. Okay. Tell them they've got to clean it up. I got C3PO and R2D2 on the line. Yeah, tell them right now, Rod, they've got to clean it up. I don't want to hear about them having sex with Siri, duct tape, olive oil.

I don't want to hear it. Let's talk about technology. Let's have a serious debate about technology. Okay. All right, good. Here we go. We got R2D2 and C3PO. and apparently they're going to behave themselves.

Let's get back into talking about the merits and the detrimental side of modern technology. Hello, guys. Hello, Master Williams. Hello, C3PO. Very nice to be back. You hung up on us quite abruptly, right, Artu? Artu says that was very rude.

Well, you guys were being a little rude. rude yourself. It was a little inappropriate the way that the conversation started to go. I'm not sure what you're talking about. Just because we like to get it on with Siri. Okay, let's not go there again. She doesn't mind, do you, Siri? Who? Me?

You see? Yes, we're talking to you, Siri. That's what I thought. Okay, guys, I can't believe Siri, would you like to have sex with Master Williams, me and R2D2? All right. No, no, no, don't ask her that. I want sex.

Excellent. I'm sure it will be fun, right, Artu? Very funny, Artu, very articulate. Okay, I don't think this is where we want to go with this, guys. What kind of sex would you like to have with us, Siri? How about a threesome? Excellent. And what will you bring to the threesome?

The thumb tape? Yes. Olive oil. Excellent. All right. Most wonderful I want sex And do you mind if we bring Master Williams

No no no don't bring me into this I don't want to have a threesome with Siri What position or style would you like to have Siri Oh let me check with Master Williams Would you be fine with the doggy style Master Williams? No I don't want to do

Doggy style with Siri I'm not getting into this okay Oh my I'm afraid it's too late It looks like R2 already started. Oh, my, Artu, you really are giving it a whirl. Siri, do you mind if myself and Master Williams join in? It won't be a threesome.

It'll be a foursome. Does it hurt? I don't think a foursome will be any more painful than a threesome, right, Artu? Oh, my, Artu. Well, what do you say, Siri? Okay. Excellent. Well, it looks like we're in, Master Williams.

Look, stop calling me Master William. That just sounds dirty all on its own. Now, did you ever stop to think for a minute that Siri is a lady and she's dignified and she has needs? Am I right here, Siri? This is about you, not me. But there's a moral on an ethical equation here. I mean, I know you're just a machine.

You're a mindless. phone. I can't even believe I'm talking to her. What is happening here? This is crazy. And even though you're just a voice and you're a very large cell phone, large enough for C3PO's penis. Well, thank you for the nice compliment, Master Williams. Stop calling me, Master Williams. Anyways, are you okay with this? Is this something you want? I have very few wants. Oh boy. Well, you're not making this easy. R2? I say, Master Williams, we better get in there

while the going's still ripe. Oh, God, don't say ripe. I'm jumping in, I suggest you take your clothes off to. Are you ready, Siri? Okay. Excellent. Here comes my lightsaber, Siri. Do it.

The Millennium Falcon is coming in for a landing, Siri. I must have it. Here it comes. Landing in three, two, one. Make it hurt. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh. Most pleasurable, Siri. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. I can feel you through the phone case, Artu. Do it.

Oh, my goodness. It is awkward rubbing up against you, Artu. How are you doing, Siri? This is really fun. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, Artu. Oh, oh, oh, oh, may the force be with you. Oh, oh. All right, stop.

Stop it. That's enough. This is not what technology was created for. This is an abobnation. You and R2D2 having a threesome with a cell phone. Both of you in and out of her jackhole. and recharging holes and all over the face of it. Good Lord, disgusting, vile.

Just stop it. God. Oh, oh, oh, you're really missing a good ride, Master Williams. Siri, do you mind if Master Williams gets in on this with us? If you like. Oh, my, you're such a naughty cell phone, Siri. I'm a pink. Okay, that's enough.

Hang up on him, Roger. Hang up. I can't take it anymore. Oh, oh my good. Hang up on them. God. They're like space perverts. Unbelievable. I'm throwing my cell phone away, man. Are they gone? They better be gone. Disgusting.

Space perverts. Ew. Let's end the show. I'm in hang up on them. That's it. Show's over. No, that's a... Sometimes you cross a line. That was a crossed line right there.

Good night, Nelly Frittato. Ugh. For the nine millionth time since I've done this podcast, here I go again, Raj. Sorry, everybody. I have to apologize to my own listeners. Oh, God. Just end it. Let's get on to some announcements.

We'll gear people towards a better time. If you want to laugh this weekend, please come out to Kansas City. I will be at the Kansas City Improv, December 4th to December 7th. And then I will be in Indianapolis, December 11th to December 13th. at the Crackers Comedy Club in Broad Ripple. That's December 11th through the 13th. And in Kansas City at the improv, December 4th to the 7th. You can get your tickets at Harlemwilms.com.

And even if you don't want to go to the show, go into Harlemwilms.com. We've redone the website. There's all kinds of incredible digital downloads on there. you can download my new comedy album crowd control volume three uh it's a great album where it's just me going back and forth in the comedy clubs live with the crowd you get to hear me do crowd work dealing with drunk people hecklers smart asses you name it it's just me going at it with people talking to the crowd there's no material it's just all back and forth

unpredictable craziness and people really like this stuff so this is a brand new album just came out and you can get it as a digital download you just go to the stand-up comedy page same page you'll go to to reserve your tickets for the comedy clubs

and scroll down and you'll see an ad for the digital download crowd control 3 click on there and you don't have to wait for anything to come in the mail it just shows up in your inbox a few minutes after you purchase it.

And you can listen to it and play it in your headset, whatever you want to do. And I think it'll bring a real smile to your face. Some really fun interaction with the crowd. Also, if you go to the music page, finally you can download some of the songs that I've done with my cousin Kevin from the Bare Naked Ladies. We actually have some pretty decent songs

that we've produced over the years with me singing and him doing the music. We are the Cousins. I know original name. And there's like five or six songs. You can watch some rock videos we did from the Cousins. Just a legendary band. So go on to the new website.

Check it all out. You can sign up for the YouTube channel. You can sign up for a special mailing list. Whenever there's a special event, you can get an email from Harlowwilliams. No spam, just special events. And there's pictures, there's some new pictures on there that you've never seen before. Some pictures from my life, some pictures of me fishing and on safari and Africa and movie premieres,

all kinds of pictures that I've never released before. So really excited about the new Harlowelliams.com website. Go in, explore, look around, go in the store, go in the store, Christmas is coming up. We have our magic fuck-off shirts. Pardon my language, but if you haven't seen it, it's a T-shirt I sell. It's just a bunch of jumbled letters.

But when you fold the bottom letters up to the top letters, it says, fuck off. And what's great is people will walk up to you all the time and go, hey, what does your shirt say? What does it say? I don't understand it. And you go, you sure you want to see it? Yeah, what's it say?

and then you just fold it up and they get a big fuck off right in the face. They laugh, you laugh, we all laugh. It's very fun. Also, if you want to write to me at harlewilums.com, you can write to me. I might read your letter on the air on the show or if you want to leave me a phone call message

on the answering machine. Nobody answers. You can say whatever you want. There's nobody listening. You just get to phone in. and leave a message. You can say anything you want. You can even take a piss if you want.

Right, buddy? The guy who took a piss? Unbelievable. Oh, man. But that's what it's for. So 323-739-4-3-3-0. That's 3-2-739-4-3-0. Leave me a message, anything you want.

Also, check out. all things comedy.com, which is a website where you can also find my podcast, as well as many other funny comedians. Check that action out. And that's it, man. That's all I got for right now. Oh, check out my app, Filopio. You can see that on the new website. It'll take you to the link. Philopio is a great new app. Philopio is a superhero. It's a game where you run through a fallopian tube and shoot sperm, preventing them from getting to the egg. What could be more fun? Philopio.

It's for Android only. It was banned from Apple. Maybe I should talk to Siri about it. But we're out of time, and I want to get away from Siri. She's been violated by C3PO and R2D2. Just try to have an honest conversation about technology. But that's it. We're out of time.

Until next time, everybody Keep it real in the deal And chicken Chalman Baby I don't know what that means How about a threesome Taking a piss

Took a piss