The Harland Highway - 630 - Mr FEATHERSTONE Xmas hijinx. Stupid human stuff.

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

Mr. Featherstone forces Harland into being a Secret Santa. The STUPID things we do. Another great Xmas song. Merry Jerry!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. Yeah, I bet Batman does smell. I mean, can you imagine jumping around in alleyways and on rooftops in black leather with a black leather cape and a black leather S&M mask? And it's going to get sweaty in there. He really does probably stink. Batman probably reeks like full-on ass. Anyways, I'm getting carried away. Let's get to the meat of the show.

This is, by the way, this show is the Harlan Highway podcast. I am he, Harlan Williams, and lots of fun stuff today. Thank you for being here. We're going to be talking about something really stupid that I did. Yes, I admit it. Even I do stupid things now and then. Way to you hear this one. If you've ever wanted to just laugh at me, blatantly laugh at me for being a dumbass.

Oh, this is it. uh also uh we're going to be playing our second christmas carol of the uh season this one's the office party christmas carol i think a lot of you work in offices this will be fun and speaking of offices i have to go upstairs to the 12 floor apparently my boss mr featherstone has some christmas stuff he wants me to do hopefully it's something good and not traumatizing because that's what this podcast is good it's the harland highway You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job?

Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime.

The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense. mental, physical strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy.

You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm a stupid dumbass. Oh, I'm a stupid dumbass. Oh, I'm a stupid dumbass. I'm a stupid dumbass.

Yes. I'm a dumb ass. When was the last time you did something really dumbass? And we all do it. Let's be honest. We all take the dumbass crown from time to time. And I'm not talking about walking into a door, tripping, or, you know, something minor like that. Listen to what I did the other night and laugh at me.

I'm inviting you to laugh at me because I laughed at me and my friend who I was with laughed at me. And you have to. When I tell you what I did, I'm still laughing. It just happened last night and I'm still, I've still got the giggles. And I probably shouldn't. But I do. And here's what happened.

And this plays into the newfangled technology we all have to deal with. Someone thought it would be a great idea to invent cars. where you don't need to put a key in the ignition, you just get in and press a button and it starts. But they still give you like the little keychain gizmo. So it's like you've got a gizmo. It's like an electric key, but it never has to go in a hole.

And you're used to putting the key in the hole, and when you leave a car, you turn the car off with the key, and you take the key and you put it in your pocket. But what I've discovered with this rental car, that I have with the keyless starting system, and I've still got this little black thing that unlocks the doors and unlocks the trunk,

I never have to insert it into the dashboard of the car. So therefore, I'm constantly forgetting. There's been times when I've left this little black thing on the car seat. I've left it in the cup holder. I've, you know, it's not common for, for me to take it with me because it's something I'm not used to. And because you don't have to shut the car off by removing a physical key,

you forget this little thing all the time. So it's kind of handy in one way to step in a car and just press a button, but is it really that much more effort to stick a key in a hole and turn it? I mean, how much time are we really saving with the button pushing deal? So anyways, I go to a movie last night, and I'm in Hollywood. I'm in L.A. I'm in, you know, downtown Hollywood. And I go to this theater, and it's one of these, like, multi-leveled parking garages.

So I swirl around, I swirl up, and it's like a 10.30 movie. And so the parking lot is pretty damn full. You know, all the levels. But when I got out of the movie, like two hours later, the parking lot's down to, you know, a quarter of the cars that were there when I pulled in. So we get out, we go to the movie, I press lock, I hear the little horn, beep, beep, I lock the car door. We go into the movie, we get our popcorn, we watch this long movie,

we come walking out. Now the garage is fairly empty, and it's a little quieter because there's no cars rolling around. And my car's sitting there, like, in between two other cars and then a lot of empty spaces all around. And as we're walking towards the rental car that I'm not obviously familiar with that well, we hear an engine running. And we both start looking around, like, is there a car running? And as we get closer, we go, I think there is a car running. And we get to my rental car, and my car's running.

My car's been running for over two hours. It's just been sitting there, and then I go to grab the door handle. I'm like, oh, my God, it's locked. And the first thing you think of is because you're used to a key in the ignition to start a motor, I think, oh, my God, my keys are locked in my car, and my motor's running. But then I go, wait, how could the motor be running? if I took the car keys and locked the thing and I heard the little honk

and I'm like, oh, wait a minute, I got the keyless thing in my pocket. Boop, boop. I opened the door. And the only good thing is we got in the car and I didn't have to press the button and use all that energy to start the motor because it was already running.

And we laughed, man. It was so dumb. Just to hear the motor running. And the windows are uptight. and it's locked. And my friend goes, the look on your face. And I know, what kind of look can you have? You look like a stupid cat.

You ever seen a cat after it falls off a table or it walks into a screen door? It's got that look on its face. Like, I know what I just did. Don't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me. I'm tender right now. I'm emotional. I'm tender.

I know I screwed up. You didn't see that, right? Don't look at me. I probably had that look on my face. face. But that looked dissipated quickly and turned into laughter because I realized what a dumbass I was. And if you can't laugh at your own dumbass, whose ass can you laugh at, dumbbo ass? So there it was, man. It was pretty classic. I mean, it might not be as funny to you guys, but it sure was funny to me. And I hope you guys have some dumbass stories you want to share with me.

so I'm not out here all in the cold feeling like a dumbass all by myself, okay? Do you think maybe you could share your dumbass stories with me? So I'm not the only dumbass. I would really appreciate that, okay? Yeah, seriously, call in 323739-4330. And if you have a funny, dumb-ass story, please share because I want to stop laughing at me, and I want to get to the important stuff and start.

laughing at you. Hello. Hello. Harlan, Dr. Feel Good. How are you? Listen, I'm calling from the Finger Lakes region of New York. I know you're a Tarantonian, and hopefully and are maybe aware of this area.

It's one of our last probably beautiful blue sky days. I just saw a turkey vulture circling pretty. lowly around my backyard area looking for some furry mammal yum yum, I'm sure. Oh, and speaking of that, you mentioned your

Harlan Highway, uh-huh. My idea is a cruise to nowhere, with yourself, of course, and George Michael and Barbecue Eddie and me of course

and probably thousands of your fans enough to fill a big boat and so that's my idea I think it could happen I so enjoy your work you think you're amazingly intelligent

and witty and I love your characters and I think a little road show or an ocean show would be ideal. So run that by Mr. Frederickstone

and hopefully we'll see you and see you. I'm going to run up now and get my shots. Peace. Wow. Okay. Thank you, Dr. Feel Good. Some very kind words and some

really good ideas on top of that. I talked about on a previous his podcast about doing an event called the Harland Highway hoo-ha, which sounds like something Dr. Seuss came up with, but I assure you, he did not. And what we were talking about is getting a location right in the middle of the country, somewhere in probably Omaha or something, because that's kind of the center of the United States, and booking a banquet room for a...

weekend at a hotel and just having a Harland Highway weekend where we did all kinds of events and had did some live podcasting and had some drinks and dinners and just had fun and and it's something that boy I hope one day we can do it but I wanted to do it in the middle of the country so that way nobody felt like oh it's on the East Coast, I can't do it, or it's on the West Coast. It's too far. I thought if we did it in the middle of the country, everyone would have to come the same distance no matter what coast they were on. And then no one could kind of like feel like they were getting, you know, kind of, getting kind of like scorched by having it somewhere else.

So at this point, I think, you know, I need to build up the listenership for this to become a I don't actually have the hard statistics on how many listeners we have on the highway, but that's something I'll look into. And if I feel like there's enough people out there listening to the show, then maybe in the next year or two we can actually have a Harland Highway Hooha and make it a yearly event or something. And maybe even one day a boat cruise. I don't know, but that was a cool idea, some cool ideas.

And you know what? Just to get the seeds planted, I like what you said about my boss, Mr. Featherstone, because Roger told me that he wanted me to go up there after work today. Anyhow that Featherstone wanted to talk to me about some Christmas stuff. And so I'm just going to expedite it. And why don't I go up there right now to my boss, Mr. Featherstone, and just throw your proposal at them about doing the Harland Highway hoo-ha

like as soon as possible. So, Raj, keep me wired up. I'm going to go up there and let's see what my boss, Mr. Featherstone, has to say about the Harland Highway Hujah. And also it sounds like he wants to talk about Christmas. So here we go.

Play something, Roger. and I'll make my way up in the elevator. Okay, thanks for the call, Dr. Feel Good. And here we go up to Mr. Featherstone's office. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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French chassehapot. Good. In Spanish, you're a gato and a sombrero. In German, you're a catza in an hud. I also know. You're a gulka in a bunk of funky and eskimo. By George, I think he's got it. Now, if you will allow me, sir, but please don't think I'm pushing.

I think that I can tell you what you are in, in, in Russian. What? Shabka. Shlapa. You're a shabka in a shlappa. Hey! Well, here I am. I'm upstairs just outside my boss's office on the 12th floor, Mr. Featherstone.

I'm in the lobby. There's Betty, Mr. Featherstone secretary. Hi, Betty. How are you today? Betty, right here yelling, calling to you. Nothing. I get nothing. Oh, there's your middle finger.

Okay. Always nice to see you, Betty. so I'm waiting to oh hang on the door here we go she's ushering me in here we go uh let's go in to see my boss uh hello sir mr featherstone sir hello uh yes sir uh harland williams here sir oh uh harland williams sir from i'm downstairs i do the podcast the what cast The podcast Plod trust Sir

Boy, oh boy I bet boy oh boy Excuse me sir Uh huh What what Uh No sir I meant boy oh boy I know what you meant boy oh boy

Uh Is that your idea of a deli sandwich Over at those funny little Bodge you go to on Saturday night Okay You know what, sir? I don't know, I don't know what, because I don't go into those funny little bars.

What funny little bars, sir? Oh, well, why don't we just take the upside-down sawfish, for example? The upside-down sawfish, sir. Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Sir, I do not go to the funny little bars. Well, how about that one over on 49th and 20?

Street. Which one, sir? The salt and pepper shaker. The salt and pepper shaker. That's right, where the bar stools are upside down. Okay, you know what, sir? I think you might be insulting some of our listeners. Yeah, like you have any listeners.

Sir, listen, I came up here to ask you about the Harlan Highway hoo-ha. Yeah, well, I don't care about what you came up here for. I requested you come up here because I got some Christmas business. Well, okay, sir, but if we could just... No, we can't just. Well, you didn't let me finish. I'm not going to let you finish, because you're what I call a wisencracker time and waster.

A what? A wisencracker time and wester. A wisencracker time and wester. That's right. You'll take my time and waste it because you're a wise crack. And I'll tell you something else. What, sir? You ever hear this saying Jimmy Crackhorn, and I don't care?

Yes, sir? Well, how about Jimmy Crackhorn, sit down and shut your fucking pie hall? Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir. Why don't you save your whoa, whoa, whoa, for your guy friends when you get too carried away with the peanut oil? Excuse me, sir? Yeah, I'll bet. What? Uh-uh.

Sir. Ah. Okay, you know what? I'll tell you what, sit your greasy, bumblebee ass down, and make some honey. What, sir? You heard me sit your ass down in that chair and listen to me for Christmas. For Christmas sake. You do believe in Christmas, don't you?

What's your name? Harlan, sir. How's... Harlan, sir. Don't you raise your voice at me. cripple crab cripple crab sir that's right that's what we used to call

kids that were demented back in high school boy oh boy what is this Christmas thing you want me to do sir have you ever heard of this thing secret santi secret secret santa claus yeah secret sandy claus that's what I'm talking about

yes sir everyone knows secret sanny clause Yeah, well this one's going to be for my wife Um, I don't understand You know my wife Azalia, right? Yes, sir, I've met her at some functions Well, you know that she likes to drink a little And she's got an adventurous spirit

Well, I don't know her that well, sir Well, let me tell you This broad is half tits to 1972 Um, uh, uh, what? Ah. Okay, I'm not following... Well, let me explain, Dimbleblatt. I'm not a Dimbleblatt, sir. Quiet.

Yes, sir. Now, my Dimbat wife, okay? She likes this secret Sandy Claus, and you're going to be Sandy. Do you mean Santa, sir? That's what I said. Sandy Claus. Okay. Yes, I'm sorry.

Sandy Claus. And you've heard a secret Sandy Claus, right? Yes, sir. Well, for Christmas, my Dimblatt wife, who said, I gotta say it again, she's very adventurous. Yes, sir, you've established that. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and I think it's my job to keep the wife happy, would you agree? Well, they say that's one of the stipulations of marriage, sir. Exactly, although you'll never know, because Wendy's... you ever get married to a guy? Sir, you know what?

You're a little behind the times, okay? Gay marriage is legal in almost every state. Oh, I bet it is. And I bet you've got a fucking AAA con. You've traveled to every state and had a powwow. Okay, sir, this is getting very insulting and homophobic. Oh, it is, is it? Yes, sir.

Well, how about situation? your ass down and shut your honeyholeophobic. Sir! Now here's what you're going to do. You're going to be secret, Sandy, but my adventurous wife has always wanted to be with another woman. Okay. And I'm not about to let her become a lesbian.

A what? A lesbian, sir. A lesbian, sir? That's what I said. What, do you got cauliflower in your ears? Yes, sir. You're not going to let her become a lesbian. lesbian. So what I'm going to do is you're going to be, you're going to be Secret Sandy.

You've said that, sir. But you're going to be Victoria's Secret Sandy. What? Have you heard of Victoria's Secret? Yes, of course. And you've heard of Secret Sandy? Yes, sir. Well, I'm putting them together. You're going to be Victoria's Secret Sandy. What is this... Where is this going, sir?

My wife wants to be with a lesbian. A lesbian? And you're going to be the lesbian. What? That's right. I don't want my wife with another broad. So you're going to wear some victorious secret lingerie over to the house,

and I'm going to give you the key, and you're going to sneak in when my broad dingleblat wife is drunk, and you're going to power sander, if you know what I mean, dressed up in Victoria's Secrets, lingeries and belt straps and fairy wings or whatever the hell they do. Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir. Wait, let me get this straight. Your wife wants to get it on with another woman. Yeah. But you don't want her to be with another woman.

Correct. So you're going to make me dress up in lingerie, Victoria's Secret lingerie. You're going to give me the key to your... house. I'm going to go in and do what? Power blast. What's that mean, sir? Well, look at you, fairy pants. It's when a man and a woman have sexual intercourse, okay? Oh, my God. And you want me to go in your house, and she's going to be so drunk, I'm going to be wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. She's going to think she's making out with a woman. That's right. Why would you want me to do that, sir. Because you're about the least threatening asexual

doornaub I've ever slammed into. Whoa, sir. You know, that's very, very insulting. Can't be any worse than the names you guy friends call you when you bent over the bar stool down at the fluffy flagpole. What is the fluffy flagpole, sir? That's that wacky bar you probably go to down at 95th and 4th on Saturday night. What? Ah Sir, wait a Ah

Okay, you know what? Before we go any further Let me ask you this What? Have you ever farted In a Christmas stocking? Sir! I'm telling you there's nothing like it

Your kid goes down Christmas morning Think he's gonna get chocolates And little trinkets In his stocking Yes He puts his hand in there And pulls out a fart cloud

Okay, you know what, sir, I got to get back to my show No First, I need the okay from you that you're gonna dress up in victorious secret clothes Sneak into my house when my wife's all lick it up And give her a good old almond ham a baking soda What the hell is that? It's something I straight people do, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir

I am not gonna have sex with your wife Well, then how would you like to have dinner at the soup kitchen with a pink slip? Are you telling me you're going to fire me if I don't arm and hammer baking powder your wife? That's exactly right, slippery teeth. Whoa! Now, you're going to sneak in the back door. Here's the key. Take it off my desk.

You're going to sneak in the back door on Thursday night, 6 p.m. Well, I'm out with my buddies having drinks. And you're going to get the old blackened deck of jigsaw And cut some drywall into my wife I don't know what that means, sir Yeah, well you learn Sir, I better get going Well, just be there on time

Victoria's secret Sandy Claus Oh God Now get out of here, I got a call coming in Sir, I don't, what about the Harlan Highway Hoo-ha? don't care about that you just make sure you grilled cheese sandwich my wife really good with lots of extra ketchup ew that's what she said oh god get out of here i got to make a phone call but sir get out of here great this is unbelievable are you i got to dress up like victorious secret

and don't forget to put the angel wings on you son of a bitch oh my god betty did you are you hearing this betty do you mind not giving me the middle finger at christmas oh so now you're giving me two great well worst of the season to you betty I'm going back downstairs

I'll be see you back in the studio god catch hat in French chatechabou in Spanish El Gatto in a sombrero and I'll tell you something more

now you listen to me good In German I'm a catza and that is my huts Is that not a catter huts? Yeah, that is a catterhunt casser hood. Catterhut

yeah, that is a catter hurt. Oh God, Roger. That was traumatizing, man. God, just What decade is that guy from where he can get off being so politically incorrect? And I hate to label people, but I'm seriously thinking that guy's got some homophobic issues because he's always going off about these funny bars and men and doing things. And then on top of that, his wife wants these secret crazy desire.

What a mess. Why can I just have a normal boss? Office politics. Let's switch gears to something more cheers. Speaking of office politics, how about we do a Christmas carol from my buddy Toby Huss, who we played one of his Christmas songs on the last podcast,

and he has a really funny Christmas carol about office politics. It's called Office Christmas Party. And I think we should play that one in keeping with the Christmas holidays here coming up. So let's switch gears. We get away from Mr. Featherstone and all that creepy stuff. And let's get into my buddy Toby Huss as Rudy Carsoni. And you can get this CD online at Rudy Carsoni Snowballs is the name of the CD. It's full of great Christmas tunes.

Here it is, Office Christmas Party. The pretty lights are blinking, you're getting pretty stinking at the office Christmas party on the nog. Called the boss to suck it merrily and kissed your secretarily. She slapped your face and left the room a gog. A pick to fight with tart from shipping. Then you started stripping off your pants down to your red and green g-string. You barfed in your new briefcase on the client database. You're really cruising now.

The party's in full swing, because this is your night. Sir, you've worked hard all year. It's your American right to drink up your Christmas cheer. You set the Christmas tree on fire. You really had to admire when you pissed it out that really showed some clouds. Staggered to the copy room Huffed on some tone of fumes That made xeroxes of your pimply ass

Because this is your night Sir, you've worked hard all year It's your American ride To drink up your Christmas cheer You stuck a postet on your balls Which set decked the halls Then you painted white out snowflakes on your cock Passed out in the elevator

I walked sometime later Getting cranked off by Jim from the loading dock Because this is your night Oh brother You worked hard hard All goddamn year It's your right baby To drink up your Christmas cheer

I'm going to be able to be. Well, if you've ever, I'll keep whistling. If you ever worked in an office, you will probably get some humor out of that song, man. I think most of us at one point or another have worked in an office somewhere or passed through an office and got the dynamics. So there you go. Toby Huss as Rudy Carsoni, and you can get his Christmas CD, Snowball. online, just type in Rudy Carsoni snowballs,

and it'll take you to the appropriate links. And speaking of Christmas, don't forget, this is your last chance because the next podcast, ladies and gentlemen, oh yes, yes, yes, you've been warned. The next podcast, we will be playing calls from your children, okay? from your children who have left messages on the Harland Highway hotline,

we will be plugging them into Wally the Elf. Wally the Christmas Elf, he's Santa Claus's number one elf in the workshop. And if you have kids 15 and under, get them on the phone, dial the number for them if you have to. It's just a voicemail. You won't be talking anyone. You'll be leaving a message for Wally the Elf. and you need to tell them your name and what state you live in and what you want for Christmas

and anything else you want to say to Wally or Santa or anything Christmassy. And we need those calls in before the next podcast because after that it's too late. Wally is going to be calling in next podcast and he's going to be chit-chatting and answering as much. many of the phone calls as he can. So please, please, please, before it's too late, call in to 323-739-4-330, get your kids on the phone, and give them a shot. Wally will take the children's toy request straight to the boss,

Santa Claus, and can't promise any results, but we'll try his best to persuade Santa to, bring you and your kids the presents that you have on your list. So hopefully it all goes in your favor, but don't waste any more time. Get the kids on there immediately. 323-739, 4330, so we can play their message to Wally the Christmas Elf. And it's going to be a lot of fun.

Also, what else have we got going on here while I'm at it? um boy oh boy let's see um i think that's it as far as the announcements i like i said i don't have any more stand-up comedy gigs this year but uh i will be um excuse me wow i will be kicking off uh january with some really fun shows uh i will be in corona at the m15 bar and concert uh concert bar and grill in Corona, California. That's Saturday, January 10th. It's going to be a great show. We're going to be doing stand-up comedy and sketch comedy.

Go to Harlewilms.com and get your tickets. Go to the link in the stand-up tour page. Also, January 16th and 17th, I'll be at Flappers. Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. And January 22nd and 24th, I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia at the improv doing some stand-up there. So January is going to be a lot of fun. Also going to be doing a thing called Sketchfest.

At the end of January, I'll give you the exact dates on that as we move along, but I'll be doing some shows at Sketchfest in San Francisco, where we will be recording the first ever live in front of an audience, Harland Highway Podcast. So this is going to be fun. This will be a first, and I'll give you more details as we get further down the road on that. So a lot of fun.

All you pavement pounders in San Francisco, be aware we want you to come out and support and have fun and be part of the live Harland Highway podcast event coming up at Sketch Fest at the end of January and San Francisco, the rice around you treat. Oh, oh, oh. And then what else? Check out the new website.

Harlow Williams.com has been redesigned. Join our membership form. You can write me. There's a contact form there at harlilowwilms.com. You can write to me. Or if you want to call me outside of your kids for Wally the Elf, if you just want to call yourself and leave a message, 323, 739, 433.30.

The number is right there on the website, if you forget it. And we love to hear from you. Check out the new store with all kinds of great products, and now we have digital downloads. So much going on. My new app for your Android phone called Philopio. It's a great game where fallopio runs through fallopian tubes and zap sperm before they can make it to the egg.

What can be more fun than that? Oh, so much cool stuff. But that's it for today, gang. Hope you had a good time here. As I've been saying, happy holidays, no matter what you celebrate, whatever your religion or your denomination or whatever you are. Whatever planet you're from, I don't care.

This is a time of year where I feel people kind of come together and it doesn't really matter who or what you are. It's just a happy time. So happy holidays. and don't forget to call Wally the Elf 323-739-4-330, and that's it. Until next time, ladies and blurgle-bluggins, chicken. Chau-Main, baby. I'm going to be able to be.

I'm going to be. I'm going to be able to be.