The Harland Highway - 631 - GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in. Cell phone courage.

Episode Date: December 15, 2014

Pop star GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in to discuss Christmas. Cell phone courage. Calls from the Pounders, and a fun Xmas song from Toby Huss. Silent wife, holy wife!!! ! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ho, ho, ho, this is Santa Claus. No, it's not. It's Harland Clause. Yes, is there a Harlan Clause? I don't know. I think the Clause is I'm supposed to shut up and do my podcast. Okay, sorry. Hey, everybody.

Welcome, happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Getting so excited. I'm getting so excited for the festive holidays. Welcome to the podcast. I am Harland Williams here, and we have a wacky wild show today. We're going to be taking some phone calls from the pavement pounders. That's you guys listening.

We're going to be talking about something a little bit serious. We're going to be talking about kind of guns and the criminal element and people using their cell phones as a badge of courage and how annoying that's becoming to me in particular I think I've heard that George Michael might be calling in from Wham which I always dread because at this time of year during the holidays he's usually seven tits to the wind drunk and we're going to be playing a Christmas carol

from my buddy Toby Haas as Rudy Carsoni one of his great funny Christmas carols all kinds of festive stuff. It's right here. Put on your helmet. It's to Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro.

Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime The Harland Highway You're all going to experience intense mental, physical

strength All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show Don't let me do it I'll do it, I swear to God Don't be such a fucking pussy You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name?

You're listening to Harlan Williams On the Rotten Luckin' Welcome to the Harland Highway Hello? Hello? Hi! This is Jeffrey. I can't wait to see you.

I'm Saturday, guys. Ah! You're freaking ass up! You're the best. Can't wait to see you Saturday night. Oh, my God. I'm looking forward to it, man. You rock.

And thank you for being awesome. I'll see you Saturday. Salman, man. Oh, yeah, oh yeah. That's the kind of enthusiasm. I was met with in Indianapolis just this past weekend. I want to give a big shout out to everyone in Indy who came out to see me at Crackers,

and a lot of people, a lot of pavement pounders were there. After every show, various pavement pounders came up and said hello and let me know they listen to the podcast and they liked it and my oh my, it was such a treat to meet you guys and gals. You know, I'm hidden here in the studio, and I don't get to see the faces of the pavement pounders that listen. And it was just a real treat to meet you guys. And thank you for coming out to the shows.

Thank you for the enthusiasm. And I'm so glad you enjoy what we do here at the Harland Highway. I also want to go back another week to Kansas City, Missouri. I was in Kansas City the week before Indianapolis on that weekend. And same deal. People, fans of the podcast came out and we're watching the stand-up comedy and we all had a blast. So thank you, Kansas City. Thank you all you guys and gals in Indianapolis.

And you rock. I really appreciate you coming out to see the stand-up shows. And just so you know, I'm kind of starting a new thing in 2015 where I'm going to try and do it when I come to a new city that during the day, I'm going to record the Harland Highway live at the comedy clubs so you can come see the podcast during the afternoon and then come back at night and catch the live stand-up show if you're so inclined. So that'll be a cool new experiment for the kid. We're going to do the first one in

I think Atlanta or San Francisco in January so keep your eyes and ears posted for that. Some live recordings of the Harlan Highway. This will be a first. So there you go. Thanks again and

what? He's calling in? Does he have to call in now? Oh boy. Okay, well according to Rogers who's in the booth there. Oh, we got George Michael calling in from,

where is he in London? He's over in London, England. Oh, God. Talk about a holiday damper. Yeah, put him through. I always worry this guy's going to jump off a bridge if I don't talk to him. So here we go.

George Michael from the United Kingdom. Hello? Hello. Roger, is he there? Hello? Hello? Oh, hello? Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. Do we need the singing? Hello. Hello, Arlen, how are you? Hello, George. It's George Michael, Alan. Not just George, it's George, it's George Michael. Okay, already I can tell you're lit up.

Lit up like a Christmas tree, Harlan. Oh, boy. What's going on, George? George Michael. I'm going to hang you like a stalking from my chimney and fill you up with fucking oranges. Okay, what do you want? I want it to have my Christmas cheer with you, Holland. Oh, boy.

Wow. Lucky me. Oh, don't be like that, Holland. It's the most happiest time of the year. I've got some eggnog happening. Yeah, I can tell you got eggnog happening. What's in it? Well, I got eggnog.

Yes. And two bottles of tequila. Yeah, I thought so, George. It's George Michael, Jingle Bell fuck. Okay. Okay, don't start swearing and adding in Christmas carols. Silent night, holy fuck, fuck off. Okay, stop it immediately.

Oh, then I wanted to use a Christmas song. Yeah, I can hear your Christmas song playing in the background. What are you doing? You at home decorating or something? Yes, all right. I've got to put the decorations She's on the Christmas tree, Ireland. Okay, and?

Well, I've hung lots of nice, colorful balls. Yeah, I bet you have. What's that mean, eh? I bet you've got balls hanging all over the place. That's right. I've got balls hanging on the tree. I got balls hanging on the mantel piece. I've got balls hanging in me fucking underpants, Ireland.

All right. God. Well, you asked about my balls, and if you're wondering, they're all shiny and purple. Okay! Now, are you decorating your tree? Yes, Arlid. You know how people get the popcorn, and they... Yeah, the popcorn.

They put needles and thread through it? Yes, they put a needle in a thread through the popcorn, and they make popcorn strands, around the tree, Ireland. We do that here in the United Kingdom. I'm not sure if you do it in the United America. What?

I'm not sure if you do popcorn stringers in the United States of America. The United States of America. That's what I said. What you got, fucking pine needles in your fucking ears.

Yeah, and what else do you do? Well, I don't put popcorn on the stringer, Arlen. I do it a little different. I use a different kind of food. What are you talking about? Well, instead of putting popcorn on the stringer, I put lasagna on the fucking...

I put a needle in thread through the lasagna. What? What? I put a needle and thread through the lasagna, and I wrap the lasagna around the tree, Arland. Oh, God. And then when the lights get on, the lasagna, it heats it up. Okay.

And then my house smells like a fucking golden corral buffet, all right? Oh, gross. It smells like lasagna in my house. Oh, my God. If you come in my house, it smells like an old fat, fucking Italian ladies cooking fucking lasagna. in my fucking kitchen. Can you cut the language, guy? Holy God.

Oh, do you hear my song playing in the background? Yes, I hear it. Last Christmas I gave you my heart. And it's a part in the song, when my voice gets very low, and I whisper, can I play it for you? Do you have to? It's a piece of the part in the song

where I go, Merry Christmas. I just, I whisper it real nice. I know, I've heard the song, you whisper Merry Christmas. Yes, I'll, can I play it for you? Stop whispering. Can I play it for you, you fucking gnaggle-niggle? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell is a gongle-niggle? I don't know, but if there's one in the world, it's you. All right, play me your stupid thing from your soul. song. Okay, here it is, Holland, the whispering part. Ready? Here it comes. Did you like it, Holland? Yes, I liked it. Can you whisper it to me, Holland? What do you mean, whisper it to me?

Well, I was whispering to you, Holland. Merry Christmas. Can you whisper Merry Christmas. Can you whisper Merry Christmas back to me, Holland? No. No, I'm not going to whisper Merry Christmas. That sounded creepy. Sounded like a child purve. Merry Christmas, Holland. Ew. Merry Christmas, precious. Oh, you sound like that freak from the Lord of the Rings, GOLM or whatever. Merry Christmas, precious.

Stop it. Oh, creepy. Stop it! Stop it! Stop whispering, Michael. It's George, Michael! You know what, if I have to fucking tell you one more time, I'm gonna bake a fucking Christmas fruit cake

and shove it up your fruit eat. All right. I didn't finish yet. I don't want to hear the rest of that sentence. gross oh do you like Christmas plums what Christmas plums it's a tradition

in my house oh boy here we go the delicious holiday nice and soft and purple and yummy uh huh and how do you serve up the Christmas plums George

it's George Michael you fucking mental case osper prognosis paracep that made no sense at all dealing is your wife

okay you know what how do you serve the plums oh my face how do you think all it oh god stop it very Christmas press off

listen to it Holland here it comes Oh, God, I've had enough. Roger, hang up on him. Merry Christmas. Stop it. Merry Christmas, Christmas. All right, now you sound like you're possessed by Satan.

Merry Christmas, precious. Merry Christmas, holly. Stop. Hang up on him. Merry Christmas. I want a boy. I want to talk your mother cocky now. I want a man.

I don't know. Play mother sucks and hell, Merry Christmas. Hang up on him. Oh, my God. What in the name of sweet baby Christmas is that? What was that? Guy turned into like Linda Blair at the end from the Exorcist. Is he gone?

Good riddance. never going to listen to that song again that guy ruins my Christmas oh man good lord stop it roger enough hello

hello I do you want to say the harlot highway is amazing my family loves you I love you please keep it up thank you for the hard work Merry Christmas. Roger, you're pushing it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Don't throw your back out. Merry Christmas to you, too. Thank you. Merry Christmas to everyone. And speaking of Christmas and families, don't forget, gang, if you've got little kids at home, this is your last few days to call in to the Harland Highway phone number and let your little children leave a message

because on Thursday, the next podcast, we are getting a call from Wally, Santa's head Christmas elf. and he's going to talk to your kids. He's going to listen to their messages live on the air. He's going to talk about the presence they want. He's going to discuss the children. So by all means, we've got a few good calls already from the young ins. So if you want your youngen to get heard on the podcast

and have a chance to, you know, have a dialogue with Wally the Head Elf up in the North Pole, it's probably your kid's best chance at getting through to Santa and getting the present that they want. So I'm just saying. 323739-4-330. 3-2-739-4-3-3-0.

Now I want to switch gears to something a little more serious and it kind of pertains to all this this civil unrest and the uprisings and Ferguson. and the tragedy of all the rioting and the deaths of people and, oh, it's just a mess. But in all this mess, I've been observing something that's really starting to irritate me. And I think is a dangerous precedent.

Do you remember in the days of old, back in ye 14th century, when there were nights in shining armor and they carried shields and they rode horses and they carried big spears out in front of them. This was their line of defense. This is their way of walking through the crowds and striking fear into the heart of their opponents. Do you remember that? Did you read your history books?

And I don't know if it's exactly the 14th century. I just honestly just picked a century. But let's say it's somewhere around this. there. But, you know, these noble warriors, these people that put their lives on the lines would, you know, the only way they really had to defend themselves was to put on the suit of armor and approach the enemy and have a shield to block themselves and hold a spear, a sword, and push their way through the crowds, the enemy lines.

They had to confront their opponents. And what I'm seeing now, as it pertains to what I just mentioned, all the civil unrest, I'm noticing that people are becoming very, very, very provocative with their cell phones. I've noticed that people in these crowds during the riots and even on YouTube, if you go on YouTube, there's a plethora of people who are starting to use. their cell phones as their armor. In other words, they're walking up into situations, up towards authority figures, up to other human beings, into danger.

And I think a lot of people believe that their cell phones empower them and make them impervious to any harm. And they walk around with their cell phone out in front of them Like it's a magic shield It's like what do you do man I'm recording this I'm recording you better you better step back I'm watching you man that this is all being recorded

What my red light's not on? Oh shit I didn't record any of it punch out But I'm finding the people are getting this false sense of security that they can just walk into any scenario, whether it's a bank robbery or a hostage-taking or a police riot or a military coup or even a battle zone in the Middle East or in the Ukraine or wherever turmoil is churning up in the world.

Even Mother Nature. Hey, man, there's a tornado coming. Oh, we better get in the basement. No, don't worry, man. I got my cell phone. We can walk right into it, man. What? Yeah, my cell phone can record it all,

and everything fears the recording cell phone. And in particular, I'm finding that people are starting to feel empowered and becoming brazen and becoming rude, and suddenly feeling that because they have, they can videotape something with their phone, it gives them the right to be brash and get into people's faces.

And I'll be honest, I've seen one too many videos where these people are walking up to cops and provoking them. They're like pushing the cops' buttons. The cops are trying to do their job. And sure, there's some scenarios where people catch cops not doing their job properly, but there's far too many where you really get the sense that these idiots have their phones out in front of them. It's like, what are you doing,

officer? I have every, no, I have every right in the world to be here. No, the law says I can stand here naked, swinging a machete around, and as long as I'm on the sidewalk, I can have a loaded gun and point at people as long as they don't pull the trigger. What are you going to do about it? What's your badge number? Huh? What, what precinct are you with? Talk into my phone. I'm recording. Fuck you. I'm... I'm... I'm a night and shining armor. I can do anything I want as long as I record it. Sue, your battery just died.

Oh, shit, punch. Ah! You know, I mean, show some respect, people. You know, I just find that people are wandering around through the streets, like holding, you know, the way a cop would hold out his badge or an FBI. agent will whip out his bed, Joe Morgan, FBI. You know, you pull that badge out, and everyone kind of stops. Like, oh, oh, oh, it's a cop. He just showed us his badge.

Everyone frees. I think a lot of average Joe's nowadays think that their phone gives them some kind of superpower or something. That it's like Superman's belt. That they pull it out and hold it up, and the whole world has to bow to their every, desire. I've got my cell phone. I'm recording. You two over there. Move. I need to take 12 steps to the left, and one of you climb that tree, and the other one, eat that umbrella. Because I'm recording, that's why. You do what you want when my phone's on. I'm watching you. Oh, I'm watching. This is going on YouTube. But it's a really in-your-face approach, and I think it's going to have a negative

effect because, you know, it's one thing for cops to have to wear body cameras, which is probably a good idea on both sides of the law. It protects the cops. It protects the citizens because there can be no really dispute of what the facts are. But when people go running around in the streets going out of their way to get in people's faces and kind of push the police, and the reason I'm saying this. As I said, I've seen quite a number of videos where these guys with the phones are definitely pushing the police's buttons. And they know they can do it because they're recording. And, you know, it's just what it's going to do is it's going to break down the will of the police force. Someday you're really going to need these guys to step in and get between you and a flood.

buying bullet or a guy with a knife or someone going insane and the cop's going to be trepidacious about doing his job because he doesn't want to be filmed or he doesn't want to be phone harassed because in the heat of the moment he might do something wrong in the heat of dealing with violence and chaos and aggression, maybe he makes a wrong move and breaks protocol. Now, there's a difference between breaking protocol and, you know, going too far, but there's also the breaking of protocol when your mind is in a panic and you're in a dangerous situation and you're trying to protect the public

and maybe you don't do everything by the book because in that moment, if you did, your protective services would fail. Sometimes you just got to lash out and kick out and who knows. And for all the naysayers going, yeah, right, you can't do that. Why don't you try being a cop? Why don't you try driving through gangland? Why don't you try apprehending drunk people out of control?

I think people forget how taxing it is to be a copy. You know, they just, people take one incident and go, oh, what the hell did that cop do? But if you're a cop, you've got to break down the psychology of you're talking about people that have careers that go out every day for 25 years and deal with the, a lot of times, the scum of society.

They've got to deal with people lying and cheating and stealing. And if you don't believe me, this is a strange example, but I think it works. Go back and watch like 10 episodes of cops. And you will see that nine out of ten times, whenever a cop on that show pulls a guy over without his shirt on, pulls a guy doing something in front of a liquor store, pulls a chick over with a crack pipe, and the cop asked them questions, who are you, where are you from, what were you doing, what's going on,

do you have any contraband, do you have any weapons? Nine out of ten times, these people lie. Because they're criminals. There's a criminal element. Criminals are manipulators. They work outside of the rules. And to save their hides, they cheat and they lie and they manipulate. And so stack a cop up, you know, I don't know how many hours a day they work.

Some of them work eight. Some of them have to go into overtime. If you sat down with any cop over coffee and said, how often do people tell you the truth? I bet that the ratio is very low for people that just come completely clean when they're confronted by a police officer. Go watch cops, man. they all lie oh this is my uncle's car stolen car this isn't my crack pipe yes it's your crack pipe

I wasn't over there at that guy's house where all the blood is why is there a bloody knife in your back pocket I didn't know there was a gun under the dashboard uh this car is registered to you sir you know it's it's just it's just endless so cops begin to work on a level where they they are very pessimistic and they're very doubtful of the average person's explanation and cops have to deal with all kinds of BS and bullshit and lying and often this can lead to violence this can this can lead to physical violence it can lead to confusion it can it can lead to so many things and when you compound that on all the years and hours that a cop works that adds up psychological So I don't want people to think that cops just go out there and every day is a fresh new day.

It's a brand new start. Fresh as a daisy. No, no, no, no, no. Think of it like a thermometer. When you're a brand new cop, the red level of your thermometer is down at your ankles. Okay? And every day you're pounding the street, protecting the public. The level of bullshit and deceit and con artistry and lying and criminality and violence and abuse, all that stuff, the red in the cop's legs starts to rise, like a thermometer getting hotter,

like a thermostat getting hotter, okay? And so these cops walk around with this psychological picture of how the dress. edges of society really work and operate, and they have to live in that world. And all those people sitting in the nice neighborhoods, on the nice couches from the pottery barn with the big flat screen, we just sit there and judge. Oh, those cops are so... What's wrong with that guy? You know?

And again, I'm not... I'm not... I'm not for excessive or unnecessary police violence. Hell no. They have to, the police surely have to, you know, stand up to what they've been trained to do. They surely have to be accountable for their actions, but holy smokes, we don't see what they deal with every day. They deal with the, I used to work for the cops. I used to work for the police.

I've seen little girl's bodies rolled in the back door of where I worked. The 12-year-old girls molested and murdered. I've seen people laying on the autopsy table with ropes around their neck where they jumped off of apartment buildings and the rope snapped when they were trying to kill themselves. I've seen graphic pictures of people who put rifles. in their mouths and splatter their heads all over walls. This is the daily stuff.

I've seen a little boy in half a foot of water in a lake bent over because his father put a cinder block on the back of his head and drowned him and tied his arms behind his back. And these are the things that police have to deal with. and these are psychological monsters. I still, from what I saw in my short tenure working with the police, I still vividly remember, and I'm shocked and startled psychologically by the imagery and the things that I was exposed to.

I stepped into a world when I worked for the police where I went for the first time of my life. Oh, my God, I didn't know. No, human beings could do this stuff to other human beings. I was appalled, amazed, shocked, startled, dare I say, traumatized. It was, it's unbelievable. Most of us don't have any idea the real shit that people do to each other, the bad people do. And you, it's different to see it on the news, because on the news it's presented, it's packaged. There's a beautiful anchorwoman or a handsome anchorman presenting it,

and there's people giving professional opinions. They're really kind of taking it outside of the world where it really happened. You and I, we don't walk into the dirty old squalid apartment and smell the smells and see the stains of the guy who blew his head off. we aren't there when there's the screaming and when the knife goes in and the blood spurts out and all these graphic details we don't know and policemen make a life of this it's like a stack of pancakes each horrible event that they have to get involved in is a pancake and then the next day there may be one or two or three stack them up

And then the next day there might be none. But then the next day there might be four. Stack them up. Stack them up. And these are all being stacked up in their head. And they get used to a pattern of activity because they deal with the criminal element. And they know the criminal element can be shifty and shady and unpredictable.

And a lot of the criminal element will do whatever it can to survive. A lot of the criminal element doesn't want to be caught and put behind bars and sometimes that means being defiant and dangerous and going after cops and i know you're all going well he's talking about the ferguson thing now no i'm not it's lumped into the whole thing i wasn't there i can't defend or deny what happened there i don't know that has to settle out on its own but i do i do feel that we need to have an honest talk about the mountain of stuff that police have to go through. And yes, they're psychologically trained.

And yes, they go through training and all kinds of stuff. But let me ask you, how much training prepares you for scooping up the body of a nine-year-old girl that's been molested and raped and murdered and is laying in a field? with a brick on her head. And I'm sorry for getting so graphic, but I guess I'm trying to drive home the point that this isn't easy. The police work isn't easy. And so to go out with a phone and waggle it in their face

and just assume that cops are just, you know, putting parking tickets on people's windows and pulling us over for speeding tickets, but in the meantime, they thought they'd be an asshole to this guy or that guy. it's not fair and it's a very complex occupation

it's probably got to be one of the most difficult psychological professions there is most of you I know have not seen how deep how very deep and dark

the human spirit the human being can get and become I've seen it firsthand and it is it is frightening it is horrific and so these are just things to think about and consider in this topsy-turvy world and before you go out and harass a cop who may be doing things in a way because he's had to deal with certain patterns of human behavior then I think, you know, we have to maybe walk in their shoes before we go up and stuff our stupid cell phones in their face

and try to judge them and condemn them and blasphemy them and paint them as demons. Because trust me, well, one night when you're laying in bed and you hear your window breaking and someone's crawling through your broken glass door and they've got a knife or a gun, Who are you calling? I know you're not calling your cell phone service.

Oh, yeah, AT&T, listen, let's get my phone up and running. There's a murderer coming through the door. How good's your phone then, ass munch? Guess who you're calling 911. You're calling the police. And guess what? That cop's going to show up. And those cops will walk into the line of fire for you.

They will put their life on the line. the line for you. So let's just, you know, let's all be careful here. We certainly want to protect our citizens. We certainly don't want there to be bad police. But as we go through these tumultuous times, let's take a deeper look at the depth of what law enforcement has to live with and deal with. They have to deal with us.

They have to deal with we, the people. people. And then at the end of the day, go home and just pretend everything's normal. Like I said, I have imagery in my head from 25 years ago that still burns in there. And I only work for the cops for like a year and a half, two years. Imagine these guys that are career law enforcement. Good Lord. So let's watch the checks and balances. Let's remember to walk in everyone's shoes Before we get too emotionally carried away

With judging and condemning And harassing with our fucking little cell phones There I'm going to leave it there Wow very Christmassy Harland Very Christmassy topic But I don't know I've seen a lot of it And as I said is not particularly

all to the Ferguson thing. I've seen people in those crowds doing it provoking with their cell phones, but I've seen it in all kinds of arenas that I said earlier in this commentary. So let's just, whoa, take it down a notch, okay? Let's think about the cause and effect of things before we just become cell phone pests.

Okay, now back to Christmas. How about a fun little Christmas? carol to get us in the mood i think so i think i think we uh we should play one more of my uh my buddy toby husses um christmas songs um yeah and don't forget he's having a uh toby's having a uh a christmas show Rudy Carsoni, he's doing a Christmas bash here in Hollywood. I think it's on the 17th at the Steve Allen Theater. Check it out online. It's December 17th or 18th.

I think it's the 17th, the Wednesday night. But double check it online. Rudy Carsoni at the Steve Allen Theater. It's comedy, it's a variety show, and he's going to be out there singing. It's in Hollywood, California. Great way to spend the holidays. And let's shift gears. We'll get off the serious stuff.

Sorry about that, gang. And just, you know, I like to stick up for people when I see them getting a bit beat down. So here we go. Here's another song off of Rudy Carsoni's album Snowballs, which you can also find online. That's S-A-n-O-Snowballs. And the artist, Toby Huss, my actor buddy. from Down Periscope, a movie I did. Here we go.

Let's play one of his awesome, funny, catchy little Christmas songs. It's a cold December. It's a cold December, 10 feet of snowfall. Spent six hours. fighting crowds at the mall I get back home you say now trim the tree but under those branches there's no trim for me ho ho ho ho ho ho oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh i said a chill baby my ass is a block of ice i'm gonna be crapping cubes and that's putting it nice my nuts flew north to get warm in my chest hope you didn't it me another

Christmas Fest. The only present I want muffin is you by the fire. Huffin and husband are giving me some of your Christmas stuffing. It's an old family recipe. Meena Reiki potatoes. I had to fight abroad over your new mink coat Before they wrapped it up the broad punched me in a throat For all of my work, why do I get back Couple new neckties for last year's tie rack How about next year you shop

And I stay home, you grow brave the crowds. the crowds I'll wait here and moat I'll put on a dress and some nice lipstick when you get back guess what you ain't a getting dick the only present I want muffin is you by the fire huffet and puffin are giving me some of your own rudy Christmas stuffing Foopa, foo, foo, foo. There it is. Now that one's called Christmas stuffing. God, I love.

He's so funny. You can get the Rudy Carsoni's Snowballs, SNO balls. Check it out online. and he's going to be live in concert in Hollywood, California. It is going to be, let's see, it is going to be, I think this Wednesday, the 17th by golly, at the Steve Allen Theater. I think that's on Hollywood Boulevard. Tickets are only $10, and he's got all kinds of variety acts and singers.

And if you want to get his CD, you can track it down on eBay or YouTube or wherever. I'm sure you can just type it in online and it can be all yours. And I think we'll end it there on a happy note. God, we had such a strange show. George Michael called in. We got into a big talk about violence and phones. Got some phone calls from some friendly folks, some pavement pounders. And we talked about.

But Wally, please, please, please have your children. Get on the phone with your kids because Thursday's the day. After Wednesday, today's Monday, you got today, you got Tuesday, you got Wednesday, and then Thursday we got to close up the phone lines because we got to get these phone calls up to Wally, Santa's head elf, so he can respond to your children's Christmas wishes and hopefully pass the news. right on to Sant himself. So 323-739-4-3-3-0. That's the number.

You can dial it and then hand the phone to your little ones, you know, 16 and under. And they can say whatever they want to Wally. They can be mean, they can be rude, they can be polite, they can be sweet, they can blow them a kiss, they can cry, whatever. Just tell Wally what you want for Christmas. say hello, and we're going to put your little kid on the Harland Highway.

So it's going to be a lot of fun. We'll never know what Wally the Elf's going to say. And as far as what I have to say, let's see. I guess I should tell you about a few upcoming things, for gosh sakes, as we start to head into the new year. Let's see. Why don't we start with this one? January 10th.

I'm going to be in Corona, at the M-16 concert hall and grill. That's a one-night-only show. It's January 10th. It's a Saturday night. One show, if you don't have anything to do, come out to Corona, California. And it's going to be three great comics and me. And then after the stand-up portion of the show is finished, we're going to come back out and do improv comedy.

Like, whose line is it anyway? type of stuff and it is going to be a blast man we don't we don't get to do that kind of stuff enough mix up the comedy genres so please get your tickets uh order now they're going fast go online you can go to harlow williams dot com and put in your reservation okay and get your seats uh and then early in the year i'm going to be on adam carola's podcast i don't know if you guys listen to that but tune into adam carola's podcast i think i think I'm going to be on possibly the 7th, the first week of January. I'm going to be on Adam Carolla's podcast with Adam.

We always have a great time. And then I'm going to be in Burbank, California. My God, great club in Burbank called Flappers. That'll be January 16th and 17th. Two nights only. Going to have a blast. And then at the end of the month, January 22nd to 24th, I will be in Atlanta, Georgia at the improv.

Oh, that's a nice club. So go to Harlow Williams.com, click on the stand-up comedy tour schedule, and you can see where I'm going to be. You can order your tickets there, and I can't wait to see you out there, you guys. Remember, call Wally the Elf, or if you just want to call, if the adults want to call and leave a message, maybe you want to say something to Wally the Elf. I don't know how he'll take it, but you're welcome to leave a message for Wally, if you want.

He's a bit of a character. 3237394330. And while you're at Harlanwilms.com, go to the contact page, and you can write an email, leave a comment in our email. Sometimes we put those up on the show. And also, be sure to visit the store, man. People are going crazy for the magic. fuck-off t-shirt. Here's how it works, okay? It's a t-shirt, and it's got two lines of

random letters. And people, when you wear the shirt, people walk up to you and go, what the hell? What the hell does your shirt say? It's just, it's just two lines of random letters. And you go, do you really want to know what it says? And they're like, yes, what does it mean? And basically, you grab the bottom letters, which are right around your nipples, and you pull the fabric up, and you fold it onto the top letters and the two rows of letters combined spell the words fuck off. So it's quite, it's a fun, fun gift.

It's guaranteed to either make people laugh or offend them. But I tell you what, every time somebody asks and you get to see their face when you do the fold, it's priceless. They're like 20 bucks, two bucks shipping and handling.

We'll send them out. you go to harlorn williams.com and you can order them there or if you want an audio gift harle williams crowd control is on the stand-up page volume three and this is a digital download and it's just a full hour of me going at it live with with customers in comedy clubs across the country hecklers drunks crazy people it's all spontaneous none of it's scripted It's all in the moment, and you will have a riot listening to me deal with the general public when they get out of hand at my comedy show. So that's a digital download. You just pay for it, and it gets sent right to you, and you can listen to it right away.

Lots of good stuff on the website. So check it out, and that's it. I'm going to leave it right there. Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy holidays, whatever you celebrate. let's try to be good to each other. Let's try to be understanding and patient and loving and all those good things that Christmas talks about

and tries to teach us. So there you go. And until next time, chicken chalmaine, baby. saying i love you i meant it now i know what a fool i've been but if you kissed me now i know you'd fool me again last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you're giving away