The Harland Highway - 634 - CHRISTMAS EPISODE - Samuel E. Quoke, singing animals.

Episode Date: December 25, 2014

In today show we enjoy Christmas with  Samuel E. Quoke reading his romantic letters. Also some singing animals from the San Diego Zoo. Santa's HO HO HO. HArland opens presents from his family and also sings a carol. Merry Christmas everyone!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have a holly jolly Christmas, and in case you don't smell. Wait, no. Merry Christmas, everybody. Holy smokes. Today is the day. It's Christmas. I hope you're doing great, sitting around the fire, opening presents, laughing, enjoying. Feeling all warm and mushy inside. What a show we have for you today. Samuel E. Quoak is going to be here to hopefully read some wonderful, warm, romantic Christmas letters that will fill the spirit with the spirit of Christmas. We also were going to the San Diego Zoo, a very special event happening.

I guess apparently there is an animal down at the zoo that has learned to imitate human sounds and we'll be singing a Christmas carol to us. I don't know. We've got to hear it to believe it, but that's happening. We're going to get a call from one of the employees down at the zoo. Also, the question of the day. We've got a big question about Santa Claus.

And also maybe later in the show, I'm going to sing a Christmas carol to you. And I'm going to open some of my Christmas presents live on the air with you guys. How about that? So get ready. It's the Harlan Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication.

He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to. to strap you on some time. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't let me do it. I'll do it. I swear to God.

Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. The Rotten Luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry, Merry Christmas.

Oh, my Tim. My tiny Tim. God bless us, everyone. Oh, my tiny Tim. So tiny, I can stuff you in a rat hole and kick your gimpy leg. No, no, no, no. Don't start like that. I think we're going to start.

ought to start Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. We got a little late start on the podcast due to all the Christmas activities. But today's the day, the big Christmas day if you celebrate the birth of the Lord, Savior Jesus Christ, that's what it's all about. And if you're a atheist or you're from another religion or a denomination or a tribe or a cult, whatever you're you're from, have a great celebratory day. I think outside of it being a huge day for Christians, it's just a day in general where I think humanity recognizes it's a moment, it's a reprieve, it's a little beaten time,

where everyone just kind of puts it all aside and shares goodwill towards one another. I think there's a feeling of peacefulness and happiness and brotherly love throughout the world today. So there you go. And I think the best way to kick it off is, if you'll indulge us here, we got patched through to the San Diego Zoo. And I think we're going to have a koala sing Silent Night for us for some reason. This is what we have planned today.

So let's take it away. We're going to go down to the San Diego Zoo, and Karen Lipton, the animal handler, is there. Karen, are you there? Hi, Harlan. Merry Christmas. Well, hello, Karen. How are you today? Merry Christmas.

Thank you so much. It's sunny and warm down here at the San Diego Zoo. Well, I bet it is. And I guess you've got to be in with the animals on Christmas Day, right? Well, that's right. animals don't take a break. They need to be fed. They need to be cleaned.

And unfortunately, they don't celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. Well, I guess, you know, they are animals. So it's very gracious of you to, A, take time to be with the animals on this busy holiday. And B, take time to call us with your singing koala. Oh, yes, Sparky is just an angel. People come from all over the world to hear Sparky sing Christmas carols. We don't know where he picked up this habit. Sometimes we play Christmas carols on the loudspeakers throughout the zoo during this time here.

And we think just in the way that a parrot or a mite a bird would imitate or mimic sound, Sparky so now learned how to sing Christmas carols. Well, this is amazing. I mean, that's, you know, nature never ceases. to surprise, does it? Absolutely not. I mean, you know, these are animals that come from Australia, as you know,

they're marsupials. They live most of their lives in the trees. They come down from the trees to take a shit on the forest floor. Oh, oh, whoops. I'm sorry. Did I... Whoops, a daisy. Did they go down to the forest floor to go to the bathroom? Okay, wow.

Sorry, Harlan. We're used to... It's the way we talk behind the doors in the whole areas at the zoo. I understand. No, no foul, no, uh, thank you. Thank you for understanding. So I think Sparky's ready to go. Great, great. And, um, what will Sparky be singing today? What Christmas Carol? What of the classics, Arland, one of the all-time classics. Silent Night, Oh, boy. What a, what a treat. I think, I don't think there's a person listening that doesn't like that old standby. That's right. Just a wonderful Christmassy time. So if you're ready, I think Sparky's ready. Okay?

Okay. Do we need to do anything? Nothing at all. Just sit back and enjoy. We're going to cue the music. Cue the music, Ed. And just enjoy Sparky. Sparky the koalas singing Silent Night. And Merry Christmas. Thank you so much, Karen. Oh, boy, this is going to be good. Oh, here he goes. Okay, here we go. Go ahead, sing, Sparky. Sing. Shake. Shake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um... Uh, Karen? Shut the fuck up. Sparky is singing. Whoa! Whoa, Karen, can you, I don't know if this... Would you shut the fuck up?

The fucking koala is fucking singing. Silent fucking night shows of fucking respect. Whoa! Okay, Karen, I don't know if this is going to work. Shut the fuck up. The fucking Marsupial is singing. These fucking drunk-gun fucking eucalyptus have been wiping his fucking Australian head For seven fucking years

You think I like this shit Okay, hang up on her Hang up And I don't mean that to be a The Harland Highway Question of the day Well earlier in the show I said

Ho-ho-ho-ho And I don't mean that to be a rhyme Yo, early in the show, I said, Ho, ho, ho, ho, yo. It's just, the question of the day is, why does Santa say that? How did Santa come up with Ho, Ho, Ho. Three times in a row.

I just rhymed again. It's impossible not to rhyme when you say, ho, ho, ho, don't you know? You know, who came up with it? Why, ho, ho, ho. Why not? Ha ha, or hoo-hoo-hoo, or, you know, ka-ca-ca-ca-ha, you know.

Why, ho-ho? Does anyone really laugh like that? Like, don't most people laugh like ha-ha-ha-ha? Or he-he-he. Have you ever heard anyone laugh and go, Oh, ha, oh, maybe. Maybe. Maybe. It's fringe.

It's possible. but ho, ho, ho. Or maybe it's not a laugh. Maybe it's just kind of like a guttural release of merriment. Ho, ho, ho. Ho. Oh, ho. Maybe it was a little bit of awe and surprise.

Santa was caught off guard. Ho, ho. Oh, ho. Maybe we've got the inflection wrong. ho ho ho or what if he's angry ho ho oh oh i don't know but why ho ho ho it works i mean it's very palatable

ho ho ho is somehow it's very soft to the ears it's a great catchphrase i mean it's lasted it's endured people like to say it it's fun to write Ho, ho, ho. There's something easy and comforting and fitting about ho, ho, ho. I think if it was, ha, ha, ha.

It would be too mocking. It would be too abrasive, maybe. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha. Merry Christmas. No. He, he, he, he, he. Merry Christmas.

He, he, he. No, that's, like, annoying. That sounds like a past. He-he-he-he! Merry Christmas! He-he-he-he! Now, how about? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha.

Now, so I don't know. I don't know where Ho-Ho-ho came from. I don't know who started it. I don't know if that's Santa's, if he's branded it, If he's trademarked it, if it's his natural laugh, if someone gave him the idea, I don't know about ho, ho, ho. And that's why it is the Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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So be sure to use this code Harland So you get your discount And 100% free shipping Code Harland Have fun Don't throw your back out Well it is Christmas And I think it's fitting

That maybe I open presents from friends and family While we're on the air with you guys Share in the Fun Fest of Moment Raj maybe a little background Christmas music Ah that's nice okay. So let's get to it. I got a little stack of presents here. Let's open this one from my little sister Barbara. She was on the show once. I don't know if you remember. She co-hosted

the show with me once way back a year or so ago. And boy, oh boy, did we have fun. So let's see what she got me. I'm opening it up. Oh, a nail file. It looks like a general nail file from a drug store it even says Walgreens on it and there's the price tag the first thing you do is you take the price tag off of stuff

okay let me see 89 cents good lord all right well let me read the card here's the card dear dear brother here is a nail file will you please scrape the black shit from under your nails

It looks like you've been digging a grave in the graveyard with your hands. And every time we touch or shake hands, I feel like I smell because you touched me. You know what? Come on, man. Are you kidding me? Oh, brother. All right, let's move on.

Here's a, let's open a present from my dad. My dad, oh, this is a, I like presents that are a cool shape. This is round. I got a round-shaped present here from my dad. Let me open this up and... What the hell? An onion? What is it?

It's a big white onion, like a Spanish... I don't think it's like a... I don't know what color. It's white. It's like it's bigger than a grapefruit. This is one of the biggest onions I've ever seen. Let's read the card. Dear son, during this very...

special time of year we think of love joy happiness and togetherness now go sucking onion you freak okay you know what what the hell is that hey harlan you know what what what's roger what's someone on line three okay we got a call coming in hang out put it through no no no no no I want him gone, Roger. Get him off. Walk. The dumbest thing we've ever done on this show, I should have known the minute it came across my day. A singing koala, a Christmas carol singing koala. Are you out of your mind? Now put the, now I'm getting irritated. Put the Christmas music back on and let me, I got a couple more presents here.

Although now I'm starting to get irritated at these things. These aren't exactly the nicest presents I've ever seen, but let's hope there's a good one in here. Put the Christmas music on. God. Okay, now here's a present. This is from my Aunt Sue. Now, she's like probably the sweetest woman on the planet.

I grew up with her. She's like my second mother. It's my mother's sister. Sue. Let's see what she got me. Hold on. Now, this ought to be good, at least, coming from her. What the hell is this? A glow-in-the-dark butt plug from Sexy Harry's Sex Emporium? What? What? Let me read this card. To my dearest nephew, please enjoy this glow-in-the-dark butt-plug. please make sure every day when you wake up you shove it in your mouth so we can see you coming even in the dark asshole okay you know what what what yeah there's someone on the hotline who is it but it's my sister okay well that's good okay put her through at least someone from my family is calling in to wish me a merry christmas

No! No! Turn it off! Get them out of there! Holy crap! What in the name of Nelly Frittato's fucking bra pads is going on here! God! This is just insanity! Can we just... move on here please do something a little more

Christmasy than deal with all this good Lord hello what what who let you in hello I'm here to read some romantic letters for Christmas morning

what do you Roger what is Samuel E. Quok doing here I'm here to read some of romantic letters. Do you mind, sir? I didn't authorize this. Do you mind if I read, sir? You know what?

You know what? I'd rather have you reading your romantic letters than hearing that stupid koala. Thank you very much. Do you mind? Okay, go ahead. Samuel E. Quowke, he's a word smith. He comes in from time to time. He reads his romantic musings, his romantic penmanship.

Um, and, and, you know, Guy, I got to tell you, sometimes your romantic trists seem to go off in a weird direction. I'm sorry that you don't have any romance in your heart, but I'm sure your listeners do. Do you mind if I start reading, please? Okay, don't, don't give me an attitude. Do you mind, please, sir? Okay, go ahead. Wow. Thank you very much.

My dearest Sarah I'll never forget our Christmas together last year as we took the sled out into the countryside and made our way through the billowy mounds of snow into the pine forest searching for just the perfect Christmas tree to chop down and put up in the house for the festive season I remember I pulled you on the toboggan I looked back and I could see your pearly teeth

and your rosy cheeks your black flowing hair juxtaposed against the whiteness of the pure snow there was such a charm in your laugh such a childlike enthusiasm in your giggle and we had so much romance filling the air as we wound through the pine forest the scent of pine needles

wafting up our nostrils a light romantic snow began to fall I'll never forget the silence in the woods as we weaved in and out of the trees looking for the perfect specimen to cut down so we can take it back and

Christmas our home with a wonderful fresh live pine tree and then at last there it was a beautiful nine-foot dutch pine standing there in a beam of sunlight that somehow poked through the clouds up above in the midst of the snowstorm. I remember you jumped up from the toboggin and I asked you to hand me the axe so I could chop the tree. You ran over playful a little gate in your step bounding through the

snow with your white fur coat like a little snow rabbit. My heart was filled with glee and wonderment. I asked you to step back as I started to swing the axe. One chop, two chop, three chops, four. And then something strange happened, the axe felt different in my hand. I realized on my fifth chop, the head of the axe, and somehow come loose and flown off the handle. The thick metal blade,

flew through the air and caught you right in the throat. You tried to scream to me, but all I could hear was just gurgling, and I looked over appalled as your blood spurted out of your neck and sprayed all over the pure white ivory snow. Somehow it almost looked artistic, and as you tried... Wait a minute, wait a minute! Do you mind, sir? What, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

chopping down the tree, that's correct, sir. And somehow the head of the axe flies off and goes through the air and hits, what's her name? Sarah. Hits her in the throat. Do you mind if I finish

my story, sir? Okay, see, this is what I mean. It just took a really weird turn. It was real nice. The toboggan, the snow, I could almost smell the pine trees, and you start chopping. up and down the tree, and the head of the axe flies off?

Do you mind, sir, I've covered that ground already. May I finish? Wow, go ahead, Guy, Mr. Romance. Thank you very much. I remember you tried to call out to me, but there was an axe blade embedded in your windpipe. You made little gurgling sounds of bubbles of blood came up out of your mouth,

like a coy fish when it sticks its mouth out of a point. and bubbles for air. Your blood bubbles were bubbling around like bubbly, bubbly bubbly, bubbly, bubble. Stop it! What is this bubble stuff, dude? Do you mind, sir? I'm telling a story.

Get home. I want this thing over. Hurry up. Thank you very much. As I started to run towards you to assist you as the axe blade wedged in your throat and the blood stuff, I started spraying all over the snow. I got about halfway to you and suddenly I heard a sickening creek.

I had realized that it was coming from the large tree that I had started to cut into. Finally the weight of the wedge I had cut into the trunk began to take its toll on the tree. The tree started to tremble and slowly lean in your direction. At last, as I almost got to you, the tree slowly fell through the air, all 23 feet of it, crashing right into your face and knocking your fragile little body deep into the snow. Wait a minute! Whoa! 23-foot tree! I thought you said it was nine feet! I might have miscalculated. Wait a minute, you chopped a 23-foot high pine tree. and this thing lands on your girl?

Well, she's got the head of an axe in her throat? Do you mind, sir, when I finish my romantic story? Real romantic. I'm falling in love, just hearing it, Guy. Do you mind, sir? Go ahead, Guy. Thank you very much. I'll never forget is the massive pine.

tree crashed into your body I could hear your bones crunching underneath the weight of the massive tree. I remember as some of the branches pierced your eye sockets and pinned your skull to the ground your eye juice bubbling

okay whoa I'm sorry I'm trying to read you're not reading anything guy this is about as romantic as a razor blade in the face.

That's not a bad I... Stop it! Do you mind if I finish, sir? Yeah, I mind. You're done. I'll never forget as the sticks poked through your face and eyes and I tried to reach you, but as I tried to get underneath the giant tree

and pull your stabbed body, a family of screech owls came out of the branches and started peeling the flesh off your... face, eating it hungrily as it feeding it to the chicks, strips of your flesh being fed to the baby owlets like strips of bacon. I'll remember that... No, no, no. Do you mind, sir? Stop it. Owls feeding strips of meat to the baby owls? The owls peeled your flesh with their curved beaks

stripping it and dropping it into the mouths of the screeching baby owls as they hungrily gobbled your flesh your epidermal layers stop it! Get them out! This is about as romantic it's not even, it's yet sickening.

You need to be institutionalized, dude. Do you mind? Get out! Guy! I'm not finished. You're finished. Out, out, out, out, out. I'll never forget as some pine beetles crawled out of the bark

and started eating through your eardrumbs. Get out of here! Get them out! I'd rather have that singing koala back on here right about now. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean that. Stop it. Stop it!

It's over! That's it! The Christmas show is over! This is insanity, singing koalas, pine trees in people's bodies, horrible presents from my family. But it's not going to squish my Christmas spirit. No, no, no.

In fact, I'm going to sing out of this show. That's what I'm going to. do. I'm going to put on my best singing voice and sing everyone a Merry Christmas, a Christmas Carol. All is right, round your virgin, mother and child. Holy, if it's so tender and wide, sleep in happy. There you go. That's the best I can do.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Sincerely hope you have a great one with friends and family. Remember, carry that spirit throughout the year. Warmth and friendliness. Goodwill and love towards your fellow humans. women, men, children, do the best you can. Be kind, be generous, be caring and loving. Carry that spirit inside you every day of the year. And I think the world might just be a better place. I won't do any announcements today. I'm just going to leave it right there.

I'm wishing you and yours all the best from me to you Harlem Williams Merry Christmas