The Harland Highway - 635 - CRYING & LAUGHING let's discuss

Episode Date: December 29, 2014

Today we talk about people who exploit crying and people who sound great laughing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

New York, New York. Why am I singing New York? This isn't New York. This is a podcast. This is the Harland Highway podcast. What is wrong with me? Hey, welcome, everybody, to the show. Thanks for being here.

We are getting close to the end of 2014. I'm so sad. It's so weird. We're all getting older. I don't like it. But this is the second last. Well, sort of the last, kind of not the last show of the year. I'll tell, explain later in the show.

But we are going to be taking some of your phone calls. We got some gigglers, man. We got some people laughing their way through their phone calls, and it is great. This is infectious, and it's the reason I do this show. So we're going to be playing those. I'm going to be talking about something that pisses me off. It's an important cause.

It needs attention. It needs the public to be aware of it. But it's the way they went about it. It's the way they presented this noble cause that has my hairs up. And I'm going to rant about it a little right at the start of the show. Also, I'm going to talk about something that I do. That's not very manly. But I love to do it.

Maybe you love to do it too, but I do it. I do it in my bed. I'm not going to tell you what. You've got to listen to the show. You got to listen to the Harlan Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff.

Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't that be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy.

You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Sheesh. Oh, listen, I got to start the show with a bit of. of a beef. I got a fresh grilled slice of beef. Um, if you've been watching

TV lately, football games, uh, TV shows, cop shows, whatever. Ah, the good folks that we have to find a cause dot org. And that's not a real website. I'm making it up.

Um, I've put out another series of commercials. designed to be a buzzkill, designed to bring awareness and all that good stuff. And here's what it is. It's some kind of, it's a series of commercials where I think it's for abuse, sexual abuse, or domestic abuse, or something like that,

which, yes, is a horrible thing. Nobody should tolerate it. Nobody should perpetuate it. Nobody should be involved in any kind of domestic abuse, sexual, psychological, physical, whatever. So they decided to throw these commercials on in the middle of football games, in the middle of other shows, where the message is to show that we should, should not tolerate or put up with abuse of any kind. The campaign of the commercials is they got a bunch of actors,

okay, a bunch of famous actors, and they shot them in black and white, because, you know, that's artsy. You do something in black and white, oh, that's art. And the whole gist of the commercial is to film the actors standing there, crying. Once again, the crying thing, okay? Manipulating people's emotions. You know, anything you do where there's crying is, oh, you got me, people are crying, you got me. Hi, this is mortgagerhouse.com. Why don't you let us take your house off your

hands and we'll, you know, people cry, you'll get just about anything. So anyways, I'm not knocking the cause, first of all. Let me just say that. I'm not knocking the concept of wanting to do something to prevent abuse. Okay? But there's an effective way to do it, and there's just a kind of downright, pretentious, insulting way to do it. And I don't know what you feel.

You might love it. Personally, personally, I'm insulted by it. it because I think it's manipulative, it's pretentious. You got these goofy actors, okay? And by the way, I'm tired of actors, you know, spouting off and pretending to the moral compass of the world and they know everything and everything they do is right and all the rest of us grovel at their feet. Listen to me talking.

I'm an actor, but I've never been one to do that kind of. pretentious crap you know i try to keep it real man i try to keep it real man um and here's where it bothers me okay they're actors they're crying they're actors guess what actors do they act like they're crying i mean Hillary swank is this is a girl Hillary swank's one of the girls You remember her from a billion-dollar baby and boys on the side or whatever it's called? The crying game. I don't know what she was in. One where she looked like a boy.

This is a two-time Oscar-winning actress. Crying! They're actors. They can cry for any of you can do a commercial. Okay, Hillary. Now, we're really upset that the roast beef got. cold. Okay, three, two, one, cry. Ah, ah, the roast beef is cold. Okay, now let's do one for domestic violence. Okay, we hate domestic violence, Hillary. Okay, now we hate domestic violence. Okay,

now we hate one because there's court on the cob. I hate court on the cop. You know, come on. It's just so annoying to watch. It's almost like they couldn't give a flying crap about the cause they're just happy to be on TV and showing their acting chops because as I've said before to a lot of actors they think crying is the key to brilliant acting you've heard me you know ream all these guys in these war movies the last movie uh whatever that one was uh with with Brad Pitt and the army tanks. Everyone was crying. All the grown men were crying.

That should be your commercial right there. Just wheel those guys out. So don't come on and start pretending you care about a cause and start crying when you're an actor. How do we know if you really give a crap? To what? You're probably just acting crying. You're acting.

acting sad. You're acting distraught. Don't, don't, oh, God. It's just annoying. And like I said, the manipulation of the crying. It's like, you know, I'm a grown-up, man. Sit down and have someone just talk to me. Have a guy in a suit or a woman in a suit. You know, domestic violence is very bad. We should all do our part to stop it. You know, I'm mature enough to the... I don't need to see acting class 507. And on top of that, in the middle of a football game or... And I don't know if this is like, oh, this is the Ray Rice thing.

There's better ways to handle it, man. I don't want to be watching a movie or a show with... If I had kids. Or I'm just trying to, like, turn off the world. I think that's why a lot of us watch entertainment television to turn off all the crap and get away for a little while

so what am I watching like Herbie the Lovebug from Disney and in between commercials I got to watch Hillary Swank crying over you know domestic abuse Buzzkill no thanks

and again I'm going to say it because there's people going oh how incompassionate are you I'm not incompassioning I believe in these causes. I believe these causes need to be put out there. But don't do them in a way that's so pretentious and artsy-fartsy. Oh, my God, that's some clip. There's some guy from a cop show, NYPD Blue or something.

He's one of those guys you see him on every time you turn on the TV, but you'll never know his name. And he's just like standing and he's like, give me a moment. give me a moment like crying i just i just don't buy it man it's just so frigging give me give me something more real to get my head around actors they could be crying for because they stubbed their toe they can be uh they're trained actors forget about that's all i'm gonna say about as you can tell What a pain.

What a dirty pain. Hello. Hello. Hi, Heartland. This is Anna from Florida. I was just listening to your most recent podcast that worked today and, of course, loved it. I took note of your mention of how much you have Christmas and wanted to offer you an invitation to come down the Bush Gardens here in Tampa.

Where I work, we have a pretty cool Christmas thing happening with lights and Santa Claus and elves and fake snow and all that good stuff. I'm a zookeeper there. Well, my actual title is Senior Animal Care Specialist if that isn't pretentious at all. So I'm a zookeeper there, and I'd love to introduce you to some animal friends of mine if you'd like to maybe pop a melon to a hippo

or meet a lemur or, I don't know, an arvark. I can arrange that. So, yeah, I hope if you can't make it before Christmas, you could maybe visit one day. I'm a huge fan. It would be awesome to have you. Do you like roller coasters? At least they know.

Also, second thing, I have been on a jury twice. Once for a drunk driving case, we found him not guilty because the police officer's stories did not match. Second was earlier this year, and it was for a guy accused of molesting his kids and forcing them to have sex with their dead pets that he tortured in front of them. I'm not even joking. Their mom was also on trial for the same thing. he did this for years and has only found out after raising one of his daughter's friends

and he eventually took a plea deal and so that was one of the worst times of my life just knowing that evil like that exists in this world and not just in the movie so yeah wow mood killer there anyway thanks for keeping me laughing bye whoa whoa whoa whoa that that was a bit of a that was like a seesaw phone call there we went from i was going to be cuddling little uh you know bunny rabbits and and lemurs and petting baby giraffes and cuddling a a pigmy hippo to uh some guy supervising dead animal rapes with his children yikes wow now i now i don't want to do jury duty I'm scared. I don't want to hear and see that stuff.

So let's put that behind us. I'm sorry you had to sit through that, but that probably goes back to... I did a podcast recently, and this might be the one you're referring to where I talked about how bad the police have it and the stuff that the police have to deal with on a daily basis.

They have to confront the bottom rung of society and come face to face with scumbags like the people you just described. So that's not fun. And, you know, I was also talking on a recent podcast about I got called for jury duty, which is, you know, I guess coming up in the new year for me, I'll keep you posted on that. But I've never done it before. So I was asking you guys, if you done it and tell me about it,

and it sounds like you've had some doozies. Wow. Dear sweet Anna from Florida has to had to go through that. Uh, so that was the, that was kind of the dark side of your phone message, but the upside. Oh my God. Are you kidding? Would I, would I like to come and visit the animals at the zoo with you? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes. I would love that. Um, now, I don't know when I'm going to be down that way. Um, but. But if you keep listening to the podcast, Anna, I always announce my comedy dates. And hopefully, if you're listening, you can hear what I'm going to be in Florida. Or you can even go on my website, Harlan Williams.com, look at my stand-up comedy schedule, see what I'm going to be down that way.

And you can phone me again and say, hey, let's do this. Unfortunately, I missed the Christmas session. of visiting the little critters. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

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I love animals. I love the little critters. I think we had a koala on the show with a different zookeeper. I think just the last show, we had a koala on the show singing Silent Night. So maybe you and I could bring my recording device and we can record some excellent animal noises. So there you go. Thank you for calling.

And as I said, keep me posted. when you see that I'm going to be down in Florida and hit me back and I will definitely do my best to get out and visit you and go behind the scenes at the zoo. And speaking of animals, oh my God, do you do this? This is a little awkward. I'm a little embarrassed as a full-grown man to admit this. But this is what I do.

I expose myself for you, people. I tear down the walls of my own dignity. And I let you know the things that I do that just make me human, but also probably embarrass the crap out of me. But I got to share, do you do this? Do you turn into a little animal when you're in your bed in the morning or at night? I do this sometimes. I wake up in the morning and it's cold and I'm laying in bed and I'm under my blankie.

and I've got my head on my pilly-poo. And I feel like a little mouse in a mouse nest. I feel like a squirrel all curled up in a squirrel nest. And I like, I get all comfy and cozy under my blankets, and I get into the fetal position, and I just kind of revel in the warmth and the coziness of being under my blanket, blankets in my own bed and I kind of wiggle around and rustle around and pretend I'm like a little

rodent. I'm a little rodent. I'm a little rodent all snuggled into my own fur. And I'm getting warm and I got that like warm and I'm like, oh, this is so cozy and nice and I'm all warm. Oh, I'm cozy in my little rat's nest. Oh, oh, Charles, Nelson, Riley. No, I don't do that part. I don't do the Charles Nelson Riley part. But the rest of it, man, I'm just all cuddly and squishy. And I'm a full-grown man. And now it's my turn to cry.

Can we please stop cuddling and squishing up like a mouse when we're full-grown, man. Please. Yeah, I know. I'm humiliated. But, God, it feels good. It feels nice. It kind of makes you feel like a kid again.

It kind of, it makes you feel all warm inside, especially if you don't sleep with anybody. If you're not married or you don't have a girlfriend and you don't snuggle up to anyone, sometimes you just got to snuggle up to yourself. You got to snuggle right up to yourself is what you got to. do. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and jogged on it, people like me. Hello? Hello?

Hey, Harlan. This is Celine Diana. I realize that's a girl's name, but I just called to say I love the show. I put it on. I put it on every time I need to take a crap. Take care of, and keep up the good work. Wow, okay. Wow, I'll keep up the good work. You keep crapping. How's that?

Good Lord. Oh, man. I love that. This is why I do the show. Do you hear that guy laughing? This is what keeps my motor running, man. Listen to this guy. I put it on every time I need to take a crap.

Wow. I love it. I love, you know, I got to tell you, one of the funnest things about my job is hearing people laugh like that. I put a thing on a few about a month ago where some little girl and her father were talking on the phone. and they just were out of control laughing. You know what? I'm going to put another one.

A guy just phoned me. I was talking about the singing koala earlier. A guy just left me a message yesterday about the singing koala, and this guy said he was driving and was laughing so already had to pull over. Roger, put that call through. That crazy phone, you could kill me with this koala. I'm fucking driving. I'm normally a piece.

even pounder, but I'm on the East Coast visiting family. Oh, that's your old pal Stevie, by the way. It's fucking... I don't know. This girl is killing me. I'm tired. What the best thing you ever. I love you, buddy.

Happy Christmas. Happy fucking everything. And thanks a lot. Hey, wait a minute. Thank you. Thank you. It's your laughter that keeps me going, man. Don't you get it?

We feed each other. We're like engines and gasoline. It's like when I hear you guys laughing, that just makes me want to work harder to make you laugh more. In fact, I love it that you two guys. I think you should meet. Stevie, I want you to say hello to the guy that likes to take a crap. Take a crap guy. Are you there?

I need to take a crap. There he is. Take a crap guy. I want you to take a crap guy. I want you to say hello to Stevie. Stevie, can you say hi to take a crap guy? Awesome, awesome. Now, I want you guys to just talk, okay?

Sit and talk. Go ahead. there it is god good good talk really good time glad you i'm glad you guys connected seriously that is just to bring people together is it's so much fun but seriously if i could be all as a comedian and all seriousness um one of my favorite things when i'm doing my stand-up shows is every now and then I'll just get somebody who can't contain themselves.

You know, you always get the laughter at the punchlines at the jokes. Like, oh, ha ha! Clever, funny, ha, great punchline. But then you get the people that for whatever reason you get under their skin and they just start giggling and they get out of control,

kind of like these guys. And boy, oh boy, is that fun. I live for that, man. So both you guys, Thanks for calling in. Thanks for laughing. Keep on laughing as we go into the new year. And that's what the show is all about.

Right, gang? My, George, I think he's got it. Hold on, hold on. I just got the wave from Rodge. And it sounds like we just got one more call. Now, this call is, Roger says it's more giggling people, which is what we want. Put it on, Rod.

Harland. It's just the devil talking to you. I don't even... Why? Why would you leave that message? Here. He needs... Are we still walking? Yeah. This guy needs girls to talk to him. So say something. Be like...

I'm a unicorn. She eats corn. Oh, God. Lord of mercy. What do you... Anyways. Hang it up. I don't want to see where this goes.

It could get interesting. Coo-Coo-C-C-C-oo. All right. It's kind of awkward. I got to hang this up now. Fuck. Okay, wait a minute. Is it just me or did that guy...

sound a lot like take take a crap guy it sounded that that laugh and that voice was very similar so i i if it is him i have to assume he finished taking a crap walked out to the living room found his kid who got and then he started giggling it was became a family giggle fest and this is this is what i'm talking about did you hear them giggling like nuts? I mean, I got to pull him into the social circle now. I mean, take a crap guy. Say hello to the laughing family.

Stevie, can you say hello to, please? Okay, now everyone together. go. There you go. There you go. See? Now everyone's, it's just, it's a community of laughing. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it wonderful? Versus the crying we talked about at the beginning of the show. That horrible crying. Why don't they do a show where people are laughing? Why don't they do a promo commercial where people are domestic violence? Ah, ha ha ha. No, no, wait a minute. Whoa.

No, that wouldn't work. That's just wrong. But keep on laughing. We're going into the new year. I want to remind you folks that next podcast, oh my God, is our last podcast of the year. In fact, technically this one is. but next year's comes out, the next podcast comes out at midnight, and we're going to be doing the Thanksgiving, not the Thanksgiving,

the New Year's Eve countdown at midnight. So if you don't have New Year's plans, gather around your speakers, and I hope this isn't true, but I've heard whispers that Mr. Featherstone, my boss, wants to do another New Year's Eve countdown where we do the 2015 guy drop. And last year, if you remember, it was horrible. He made me go out into the streets and look for someone committing suicide and get them to jump off the building at the stroke of midnight

and get the people to do a countdown. It was horrific. And I've heard a rumor that he might want it again this New Year's Eve. I'm not going to do it. I don't care what he says. So either way, we're going to be doing a countdown right at the stroke of midnight. That's when the podcast goes live. And that should be a ton of fun.

So I hope you can tune in for that. Let's do some quick announcements here and get the hell out of Dodge. I want to remind everyone that coming up in the new year, This will be a treat. I'm going to be doing Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. That's January 15th and 16th. Sorry, that'll be January 16th and 17th, Friday and Saturday. And then January 10th, the week before that, I don't know why I didn't do this in order.

I'll be in Corona at the M15 Concert Hall. It's going to be a great show. It's going to be stand-up comedy and some sketch comedy. So that's in Corona, California, just outside of L.A. If you're in the neighborhood, come on out. We're going to have a blast. We've got three great comedians on the show, some improv, the M-15, all this stuff's on my website.

At the end of the month, January 22nd to the 24th, I will be in Atlanta, Georgia doing the improv down there. Get your tickets. And at the end of the month, I told you this is the first time ever a live version of the Harlan Highway. Never before done, we're going to record live at the big theater in San Francisco. And the theater is posted on my website. Go to Harlow Williams.com, check on the stand-up comedy schedule, and you can order your tickets right there. So if you're in Sam Fran, oh my gosh, come on out.

It's going to be wild, baby, wild! And while you're at the site, click on my YouTube subscription button so you can get all my wacky videos. What else can I tell you? Check out the store. We've redone the store. There's all kinds of great stuff, shirts, digital downloads. You can download some of my comedy albums. You can download some of my songs.

All kinds of crazy stuff on there. Check it out. And tell your friends about the Harlan Highway so they can get in on the laughter as well. So that's it for now. Happy holidays. Happy New Year. We'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken.

Chao-Me. Baby, baby!